Mighty Med (2013) s01e09 Episode Script

They're installing a new high-tech security system for the hospital.
It's still in the testing phase, so Horace said no one should dare touch it.
Skylar, settle an argument for us.
Again? Your feet are equally attractive.
Now drop it already.
No, this argument is much more important.
Kaz says villains are born evil, and I say they become evil because they're mistreated and humiliated during their life.
What do you think? Well, not all villains are the same.
And sometimes it's impossible to tell someone's a villain until it's too late.
No, there's always signs.
For instance, if you cackle evilly while stroking a pet, you might be a villain.
Or if your favorite phrases are, "victory is mine," "you'll rue the day," "so, we meet again" You might be a villain.
My Uncle Horace didn't think I could ride a unicycle, but look at me.
I'm riding three of them at once! I did it! Victory is mine! He'll rue the day he doubted me! So, we meet again.
I think he might be a villain.
No, Alan may be annoying, but he's not a villain.
Now if Horace keeps putting him down all the time, you know what, I'm going to talk to Horace about treating Alan with more respect.
Don't.
You know what we do on my planet to people who butt into other people's business? - We take them to the circus.
- That doesn't sound so bad.
"Circus" is our word for "guillotine.
" Come, mittens! Evil cackle, check.
Stroking a pet, check.
Oh, he's a villain.
Not if I can help it.
Hey, Alan.
That's a cute cat.
It's not a cat.
Those are my earmuffs.
I call them mittens.
Come on, mittens.
Let's go work on our plan for world domination.
I forgot about that one.
If your hobbies include planning world domination, you might be a villain.
Mighty med so I talked to Horace about Alan, and it went very well.
- I should give you a hug.
- Ok, great.
Let me guess, that's a hug on your planet? No, this is a hug on my planet.
Why did you talk to Horace? I specifically told you not to butt in.
Don't worry.
It's all good.
Horace agreed to give Alan more opportunities at the hospital, to help build his self-esteem.
Excuse me, fellow co-workers, my Uncle Horace is at a medical conference on Neptune today, and he's put me in charge while he's gone.
I look forward to working with each and every one of you and promise to do my best.
Another villain prevented.
You're welcome, world.
Nice job.
I should give you a hug.
- Please don't.
Anyway, carry on, and don't worry, nothing is going to change.
Now listen up, drones! From now on, everything's going to change! Starting with no more calling me "Alan.
" Call me "chief executive senior prime minister international supreme overlord of mighty med.
" See what you did? Come on, it'll be good for Alan.
It's one afternoon.
How bad could it be? You two.
Reflexor is recuperating upstairs, and he needs some organic milk.
- Easy.
No problem.
Fresh organic milk.
Fine.
Fresh organic whale milk.
Killer whale milk.
Serial killer whale milk.
Yes! I just topped your high score on "asteroid assassin!" Read it and weep, qtpie15! I'm not qtpie15.
I don't play alien shooting games.
They are way too violent.
I'm more into alien strangling games.
If you're not qtpie15, then who is? You beat my high score? That was the most important thing in my life! More important than your brother? Who makes you soup? You are so ungrateful.
I can't believe I gave you my kidney bean soup.
Why do you always pause after you say kidney bean soup? Never mind.
I do it too.
Clyde, don't take it so hard.
Records are made to be broken.
And so are windows.
By the way, I broke your window.
Nobody beats qtpie15! I want a rematch! I dare you to play me, and if I win, you're banished from the store, forever! Ok, but if I win, I get one of every tecton collectible in the store.
For free.
- Even the tecton tech tongs? - Even the tecton tech tongs.
Deal.
Seven pm, tonight.
Be there, unless you're chicken noodle soup.
Why do I do that? Those are pretty high stakes.
Do you think you can beat him? No! I stink at this game! Then how'd you break the record? - I don't know! I was just in one of those zones, where you can do no wrong.
Like that time I remembered all of my siblings' names.
- All ten of them.
- You have eleven.
I don't get it.
If you're bad at the game, why did you agree to the rematch? Because I can't back down from a dare! I'm biologically incapable of it.
I never knew that.
Ok, I dare you to kiss that old lady on the cheek.
Dang it! She gave me her number.
She's a therapist.
That makes so much more sense.
You might want to hang onto that.
Good Alan to you.
Here at "Alan med," our doctors, who shall now be known as Alans, shall provide the Alan-est service to our patients, also now known as Alans.
Have an Alan day.
You had to talk to Horace.
Now Alan is mad with power, and he's making us do all the worst jobs, and it's all your fault.
Come on, our jobs aren't that bad.
Now let's get the weed whacker, we have go to trim gargantuan's nose hairs.
Alan Alan to you Alans.
I have good Alan: My Alan as Alan will continue Alan Alan.
Any Alans? I have an Alan.
What are you talking about? Fine.
My reign over this hospital will continue indefinitely.
What? But Horace is supposed to be back tonight.
He'll be back tonight.
But I tricked the great defender into slowing down Neptune's rotation.
So tonight, for my Uncle Horace, won't be for another 60 years.
That's it, I'm calling Horace.
It's not going through.
Neptune has the worst reception.
Don't worry.
I can save Alan before he turns into a full-fledged villain.
I just need to talk to him, treat him with kindness and respect, and everything will be fine.
So, how'd your talk go with Alan? Apparently, he doesn't like it when you think "outside the box.
" Game over wow, you are terrible at this.
You even signed in wrong.
You spelled your name with a percent sign.
I'm just nervous.
Ok, ok, settle down, k-percent-z.
You just gotta get back in the zone.
How? - Think of all your siblings' names.
Ok.
Katie, Kenny, Kevin, Kaylie, kasey, Kyle, Karen, kasey - wait.
You said kasey twice.
- Yeah, there's two kaseys.
After the seventh kid, my parents really just stopped caring.
My youngest sister's name is just the letter k.
So, kaz, I have a little riddle for you.
What do you and this herring Have in common? We both smell like herring now? No, tonight you're both going to get smoked! Herring is commonly served smoked I'm gonna go get a salmon and try it again.
I wouldn't be too cocky, because kaz is going to crush you! What? - Just go with it.
I have a plan.
I mean what! - You are going down! - Preach it, sister! He's so confident, he wants to double down on the stakes.
Testify! So if kaz loses, Oliver also gets banished from the domain! Amen-wait, what? You are so on! Now you better take your hide to a tanning salon because I'm going to tan your hide.
Yeah, that works.
That was your plan?! To get me and Oliver kicked out?! Why would you do that? I'm just testing ideas for a new video game I'm creating.
It's called "angry friends.
" Ok, I was wrong.
Alan was born evil.
And it's time we end his reign of tyranny! Wait.
First I have to try something.
Cool! Dimension zero has a zoom feature! Is anyone else in there? Me.
Me.
Still me.
Please stop.
Now turn me around, so I can rally the entire staff of mighty med to revolt! We have strength in numbers! Where is everyone? They all left.
Lizard man's the only one here because, well, where's he going to go? He's a lizard man.
So, you sniveling ingrates are trying to take me down! - How did you know that? - Wouldn't you like to know? - I would.
- I overheard.
I was right outside, getting a snack from the vending machine.
- What did you get? - Wouldn't you like to know? Again, yes, I would.
Trail mix.
I like salty/sweet.
Anyway, now I must punish you cowards for your acts of treason.
What can you possibly do to make things worse than they already are? Wouldn't you like to know? Seriously? Fine.
I'll show you.
You're right.
This is worse.
I don't know, it's not so bad.
Dude, you're wrecking it.
You have been found guilty of mutiny, and the punishment is to be hung! On the wall! You're going to hang us on the wall? What's so bad about that? I'm going to hang you slightly askew.
I hate Bridges! And now, to prevent future mutinies, I'm going to activate the new security system! But it hasn't been tested.
No one can touch it.
Horace specifically forbid it.
My Uncle Horace isn't in charge anymore, I am! Computer, activate the security system! You must enter the correct password.
- What?! - Password accepted.
Security bots, make sure these prisoners do not escape from dimension zero.
When my Uncle Horace gets back, he's going to kill me! You guys, you've got to help me! Never! You humiliated us and laughed at us and made us milk a serial killer whale! You made us suffer, and now I will watch Horace make you suffer! Yes, you will snivel and cower before him.
That was an evil cackle.
You're getting pleasure from his misfortune.
How dare you call me a villain?! Oh, you will rue the day you Dang it, I'm a villain! Well, it's not too late for me.
Alan, let us out, so we can help you! The domain - boom, a new high score! - Let's see you beat that, kaz.
Of course, that's just an expression.
Because this record is the most important thing in my life.
Hey! You own a business! Co-own! I don't own it unless you die.
Wow, that rolled off your tongue a little too easily.
Enjoy this moment because it's gonna be your last in this store forever! I should have known I could never beat him.
I've only wasted five years of my life on video games.
He's wasted like 50! I don't want to hear any negative talk out of you.
That's my thing.
So, if anyone's going to tell you you're going to get crushed like a bug, it's going to be me! Talk about tough love.
I like to think of it more as "soft hate.
" These things are everywhere! What are we going to do? Have a plan.
Member vanquisher, issue #217? I was in comic books.
I don't read comic books.
Well, the vanquisher was battling very similar robots.
They used thermal and motion sensors, so the vanquisher confused their targeting systems by creating false heat signatures and this is why I don't read comic books.
Here's the plan: You draw the bots' attention because you're so hot I mean, your body temperature is hotter than normo's.
I'll use this surgical laser and go all "asteroid assassin" on them.
You ever play that game? It's awesome.
I was in video games.
I don't play video games.
Oliver! Behind you! Kaz! Behind you! - What? - The old lady.
I dare you to kiss her again! - Wow.
Not bad for a normo.
- All in a day's work.
You just shot yourself, didn't you? No.
Well, it's over.
We won.
It's over! You lost! You got the second lowest score ever, right above someone named "k-percent-z.
" I looked so cool! I even did this! Yeah, well, now you're banished! Wait! How about a rematch? Against me this time.
If I win, kaz and Oliver aren't banished anymore.
And if you win, kaz gives you his pants.
What?! I love these pants! They are nice pants.
All right, it's a deal.
- You didn't even try, did you? - Nope.
You wear two pairs of pants? Yeah.
How many pairs do you wear? Nice job, Oliver.
You want a hug? Yes! No! Do I? I'm so confused! Where's Alan? Is it over? Thanks for helping me, guys.
No one's ever treated me this nicely before.
I better get all this cleaned up before my Uncle Horace gets back.
See, skylar? I was right.
You treat someone well, and you put them on the path to being a good person.
Wait! One of the bots is still alive! Mittens! No! You'll rue the day! And now I turned him back.
What's going on? And why are you wearing kaz's over-pants? I beat him and Jordan at "asteroid assassin"! And now you and kaz are banished from the store for life! Wait, we never said, are we banned for my life or yours? Because you're like, what, 80? How about a rematch, only against me this time.
And if I win, we're not banished.
And if you win Oliver gives you his pants.
What is with you and pants today? - It's a deal.
- Are you sure? Don't worry.
After what I've been through today I've got this.
Does everyone wear two pairs of pants around here? Yeah, for exactly this reason.
What's going on? Qtpie15 is once again the reigning champion.
And kaz and Oliver are banished from the store forever.
Now split pea soup.
I really have to see a doctor Hold on! Clyde, a word, please.
We can't banish kaz and Oliver! We need them around, so they can lead us to mighty med.
Oh, yeah.
I totally forgot.
I got so worked up, and these are really nice pants! - They are really nice pants.
- Right? They're like cotton-poly blend.
- They are.
Hang on.
Kids, kids, good news.
Clyde here just reconsidered, and you're no longer banished! No, that's ok.
We'll just buy our comics online.
No! You're our best customers, even though you never really buy anything.
We want you to stay.
Right, Clyde? Yes, please stay.
Ok, but we want our pants back.
- Fine.
And all the tecton collectibles.
- Fine.
What? Even the tecton Hong Kong ping pong! Even tecton Hong Kong ping pong.
I'll be back for the rest of this stuff after I get my tecton two-tone carry on.
How did I win and still end up losing? Those boys will rue the day! Yes, we will meet again, and victory will be ours! And we will battle every superhero in the world and take their lives! And their pants! Yeah, that goes without saying.