Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s01e09 Episode Script
The Ant, an Introduction
IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
SENORES, SENORAS Y SENORITAS, BUENAS NOCHES.
BUENAS NOCHES.
ESTA NOCHE PRESENTAMOS CON MUCHO GUSTO INFORMACION INTERESANTE ACERCA DE LA LLAMA.
LA LLAMA! AY-YA! AMAZONAS! PA-PA-PA! OLE! CUIDADO, LLAMAS! OLE! FINE.
OKAY.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: A MAN WITH A TAPE RECORDER UP HIS NOSE.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: THE OFFICE OF SIR GEORGE HEAD, O.
B.
E.
NEXT, PLEASE.
AH, ONE AT A TIME, PLEASE.
THERE IS ONLY ME, SIR.
SO THERE IS.
AH, TAKE A, UM SEAT? SEAT, SEAT TAKE A SEAT.
SO, YOU WANT TO JOIN MY MOUNTAINEERING EXPEDITION, DO YOU? ME, SIR? YES.
YES, I'D VERY MUCH LIKE TO, SIR.
JOLLY GOOD, JOLLY GOOD.
AND HOW ABOUT YOU? THERE IS ONLY ME, SIR.
WELL, BANG GOES HIS APPLICATION THEN.
NOW, LET ME FILL YOU IN.
I'M LEADING THIS EXPEDITION AND WE'RE GOING TO CLIMB BOTH PEAKS OF MOUNT KILIMAN JARO.
I THOUGHT THERE WAS ONLY ONE PEAK, SIR.
WELL, THAT'LL SAVE A BIT OF TIME.
WELL, THEN.
NOW, THE OBJECT OF THIS EXPEDITION IS TO SEE IF WE CAN FIND ANY TRACES OF LAS YEAR'S EXPEDITION.
LAST YEAR'S EXPEDITION? YES, MY BROTHER WAS LEADING THAT.
THEY WERE GOING TO BUILD A BRIDGE BETWEEN THE TWO PEAKS.
MY IDEA, I'M AFRAID.
NOW, I OUGH TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE PRACTICALLY EVERYONE THAT I NEED FOR THIS EXPEDITION.
SO WHAT SPECIAL QUALIFICATIONS DO YOU HAVE? WELL, SIR YES, YOU FIRST.
THERE IS ONLY ME, SIR.
I WASN' TALKING TO YOU.
CARRY ON.
WELL, I'M A FULLY QUALIFIED MOUNTAINEER.
MOUNTAINEER? MOUNTAINEER? MOUND MOUNTAIN TWO MEN SKILLED IN CLIMBING MOUNTAINS.
JOLLY GOOD, WELL, YOU'RE IN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
BOTH OF YOU.
NOW, WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES? ARTHUR WILSON.
ARTHUR WILSON, RIGHT.
WELL, LOOK, I'LL CALL YOU ARTHUR WILSON ONE AND YOU ARTHUR WILSON TWO JUST TO AVOID CONFUSION.
ARE YOU ACTUALLY LEADING THIS EXPEDITION, SIR? YES, WE ARE LEADING THIS EXPEDITION TO AFRICA.
AND WHAT ROUTES WILL YOU BOTH BE TAKING? GOOD QUESTIONS.
SHALL I? FINE.
WELL, WE'LL BE LEAVING ON JANUARY 22 AND TAKING THE FOLLOWING ROUTES: THE A23s THROUGH PURLEYS DOWN ONTO THE MAIN ROADS NEAR PURBRIGHTS AVOIDING LEATHERHEADS AND THEN TAKING THE A231s ENTERING ROTTINGDEANS FROM THE NORTH.
FROM ROTTINGDEANS, WE GO THROUGH AFRICA TO NAIROBIS.
WE TAKE THE SOUTH ROAD OUT OF NAIROBIS FOR ABOUT 12 MILES AND THEN ASK.
DOES ANYONE SPEAK SWAHILI, SIR? OH, YES, I THINK MOS OF THEM DO DOWN THERE.
DOES ANYONE IN OUR PARTY SPEAK SWAHILI, SIR? WELL, MATRON'S GOT A SMATTERING.
APART FROM THE TWO MATRONS GOOD GOD, I FORGOT ABOUT HER.
APART FROM THEM, WHO ELSE IS COMING ON THE EXPEDITION, SIR? WELL, WE'VE GO THE ARTHUR BROWN TWINS TWO BOTANISTS CALLED MACHIN THE WILLIAM JOHNSTON BROTHERS TWO OF THEM.
NO, FOUR OF THEM PAIR OF IDENTICAL TWINS.
AND A COUPLE OF THE KEN SPINOZA QUADS.
THE OTHER TWO PULLED OUT.
AND, OF COURSE, YOU TWO.
AND NONE OF THESE ARE MOUNTAINEERS? WELL, YOU TWO ARE.
AND WE'VE GO A BRACE OF GUIDES CALLED JIMMY BLENKINSOP BECAUSE KILIMAN JARO'S A PRETTY TRICKY CLIMB, YOU KNOW.
MOST OF IT'S UP TILL YOU REACH THE VERY, VERY TOP AND THEN IT TENDS TO SLOPE AWAY RATHER SHARPLY.
BUT JIMMY'S PU HIS HEADS TOGETHER AND WORKED OU A WAY UP JIMMY? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET.
JIMMY BLENKINSOP, ARTHUR WILSON.
ARTHUR WILSON, JIMMY BLENKINSOP.
ARTHUR WILSON TWO, JIMMY BLENKINSOP ONE.
JIMMY BLENKINSOP ONE, ARTHUR WILSON TWO.
CARRY ON, JIMMYS.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE, UH WE'LL GET HIM UP SOMEHOW.
NOW, THE APPROACH TO KILIMAN JARO IS, QUITE SIMPLY, OVER THE FOOTHILLS.
AND THEN WE GO ON AFTER THA UP TO SET A BASE CAMP SOMEWHERE IN THE REGION OF THE BOTTOM OF THE GLACIER WHEN AFTER THE GLACIER WE'LL FIND AND OF COURSE, WE HAVE THIS RATHER DIFFICULT CLIMB YOU'LL BE LEADING THE FIRST ASSAULT.
WELL, I'M AFRAID I SHAN'T BE COMING ON YOUR EXPEDITION, SIR AS I'VE ABSOLUTELY NO CONFIDENCE IN ANYONE INVOLVED IN IT.
OH DEAR.
WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU? WELL, I'M GAME, SIR.
SO ARE WE.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: A MAN WITH A TAPE RECORDER UP HIS BROTHER'S NOSE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THE ADVANTAGES OF OWNING A REALLY FINE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS? FOR ONLY TEN SHILLINGS.
GEORGE LOUISE, I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME AT THE OFFICE.
CONGRATULATIONS, SIR.
YOU'VE JUST ONE THIS LOVELY CUPIE DOLL.
GET OFF! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU PANSY! MORNING.
AH, MORNING SIR, MORNING, MORNING.
I'LL B-B-BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
OH, FINE, FINE.
UM, HOW HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, SIR? JUST SHORT BACK AND SIDES, PLEASE.
HOW DO YOU DO THAT? JUST ORDINARY SHOR BACK AND SIDES.
IT'S NOT A, UM, A RAZOR CUT RAZOR RAZOR RAZOR RAZOR CUT! BLOOD SPURT ARTERY MURDER! OH, THANK GOD, THANK GOD.
IT'S JUST, UH SCISSORS.
YES, YES.
YOU WOULDN'T RATHER HAVE I JUST COMBED, WOULD YOU, SIR? I BEG YOUR PARDON? YOU WOULDN'T RATHER FORGET ALL ABOUT IT? NO, NO, NO, I WANT IT CUT.
CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT! BLOOD SPURT ARTERY MURDER! HITCHCOCK PSYCHO BLOOD DAMN IT! RIGHT, SO I'LL GE E-E-EVERYTHING READY.
IN THE MEANTIME PERHAPS YOU'D FILL IN ONE OF THESE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE, YES.
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT? WHERE IT SAYS "NEXT OF KIN" SHOULD I PUT "MOTHER"? YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.
THERE WE ARE.
THANK YOU.
RIGHT.
HA HA.
HA HA.
THERE.
FINISHED.
I FINISHED CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING YOUR HAIR.
IT'S ALL DONE.
YOU HAVEN' STARTED CUTTING IT.
I HAVE.
I DID IT VERY QUICKLY, YOUR HONOR SIR SIR, SIR, SIR.
LOOK HERE, OLD FELLOW.
I KNOW WHEN A CHAP'S CUT MY HAIR AND WHEN HE HASN' SO WILL YOU PLEASE STOP FOOLING AROUND AND GET ON WITH IT? YES YES, I WILL, SIR.
I'M GOING TO CU YOUR HAIR, SIR.
I'M GOING TO STAR CUTTING YOUR HAIR, SIR.
START CUTTING NOW.
Nice day, sir.
YES, FLOWERS COULD DO WITH A DROP OF RAIN THERE.
You see the match last night, sir? YEAH, GOOD GAME, I THOUGHT.
I thought Hurst played well, sir.
BEG YOUR PARDON? I thought Hurst played well.
OH, YES, ONLY ONE WHO DID, THOUGH.
Can you put your head down a little, sir? OH, SORRY.
I prefer to watch Palace nowadays.
Oh, sorry, was that your ear? NO, NO, DIDN' FEEL A THING.
HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON? Yes, it is a nice sport, isn't it? IT LOOKS VERY NICE, SIR.
IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHEN I FIRST CAME IN.
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT, I CONFESS I HAVEN'T CU YOUR HAIR.
I HATE CUTTING HAIR.
I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE UN-UN-UN-UNCONTROLLABLE FEAR WHENEVER I SEE HAIR.
WHEN I WAS A KID I USED TO HATE THE SIGH OF HAIR BEING CUT.
MY MOTHER SAID I WAS A FOOL.
SHE SAID THE ONLY WAY TO CURE I WAS BECOME A BARBER.
SO I SPENT FIVE GHASTLY YEARS IN THE HAIRDRESSER'S TRAINING CENTER AT TOTNES.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT'S LIKE CUTTING THE SAME HEAD FOR FIVE YEARS!? I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A BARBER ANYWAY.
I WANTED TO BE A LUMBERJACK.
LEAPING FROM TREE TO TREE AS THEY FLOAT DOWN THE MIGHTY RIVERS OF BRITISH COLUMBIA.
THE GIANT REDWOOD, THE LARCH, THE FIR, THE MIGHTY SCOTS PINE.
THE SMELL OF FRESH-CUT TIMBER! THE CRASH OF MIGHTY TREES! WITH MY BEST GIRLIE BY MY SIDE.
WE'D SING SING SING! A BRA! OH, BEVIS! AND I THOUGH YOU WERE SO RUGGED.
"DEAR SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN IN THE STRONGEST POSSIBLE TERMS "ABOUT THE SONG WHICH YOU HAVE JUST BROADCAS "ABOUT THE LUMBERJACK WHO WEARS WOMEN'S CLOTHES.
"MANY OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE LUMBERJACKS AND ONLY A FEW OF THEM ARE TRANSVESTITES.
" "YOURS FAITHFULLY BRIGADIER SIR CHARLES ARTHUR STRONG.
" P.
S.
I HAVE NEVER KISSED THE EDITOR OF THE RADIO TIMES.
WELL, I OBJECT TO ALL THIS SEX ON THE TELEVISION.
I MEAN, I KEEP FALLING OFF.
WELL, I THINK TELEVISION'S KILLED REAL ENTERTAINMENT.
IN THE OLD DAYS, WE USED TO MAKE OUR OWN FUN.
AT CHRISTMAS PARTIES I USED TO STRIKE MYSELF ON THE HEAD REPEATEDLY WITH BLUNT INSTRUMENTS, WHILE CROONING.
OH! OW! GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND WELCOME TO THE REFRESHMEN ROOM HERE AT BLETCHLEY.
MY NAME IS KENNY LUST AND I'M YOUR COMPERE FOR TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW, ONCE IN A WHILE, I IS MY PLEASURE AND MY PRIVILEGE TO WELCOME HERE AT THE REFRESHMENT ROOM SOME OF THE TRULY GREA INTERNATIONAL ARTISTS OF OUR TIME.
AND TONIGHT WE HAVE ONE SUCH ARTIST.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN SOMEONE WHOM I'VE ALWAYS PERSONALLY ADMIRED PERHAPS MORE DEEPLY, MORE STRONGLY MORE ABJECTLY THAN ANY OTHER PERFORMER A MAN WELL, MORE THAN A MAN, A GOD A GREAT GOD WHOSE PERSONALITY IS SO TOTALLY AND UTTERLY WONDERFUL THAT MY FEEBLE WORDS OF WELCOME SOUND WRETCHEDLY AND PATHETICALLY INADEQUATE.
SOMEONE WHOSE BOOTS I WOULD GLADLY LICK CLEAN UNTIL HOLES WORE THROUGH MY TONGUE.
A MAN WHO IS SO TOTALLY AND UTTERLY WONDERFUL THAT I WOULD RATHER BE SEALED IN A PIT OF MY OWN FILTH THAN DARE TREAD ON THE SAME STAGE WITH HIM.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE INCOMPARABLY SUPERIOR HUMAN BEING, HARRY FINK.
HE CAN'T COME.
NEVER MIND.
HE'S NOT ALL HE'S CRACKED UP TO BE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE GIVE YOU KEN BUDDHA AND HIS INFLATABLE KNEES.
KEN BUDDHA, A SMILE, TWO BANGS AND A RELIGION.
NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR YOUR FURTHER ENTERTAINMEN BRIAN ISLAM AND BRUCIE.
SO, ANYWAY, I BECAME A BARBER.
OH, POOR CHAP.
YES, PITY, REALLY.
I ALWAYS PREFERRED THE OUTDOOR LIFE HUNTING, SHOOTING, FISHING GETTING OUT THERE WITH A GUN SLAUGHTERING A FEW OF GOD'S CREATURES.
THAT WAS THE LIFE.
CHARGING ABOU THE MOORLAND BLASTING THEIR HEADS OFF.
I'M SORRY, WE DON' NEED YOU THIS WEEK.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
WOULD YOU WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF IF I HELD YOUR HAND? OH! OH, NO, NOT AT ALL.
OH, IRIS, YOU'RE SO VERY BEAUTIFUL.
OH! OH, DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT? I DO, I DO, I DO.
I THINK I'M BEGINNING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
OH, VICTOR! HUH! SILLY, ISN'T IT? NO! NO, NOT AT ALL DEAR, SWEET VICTOR.
NO, I DIDN' MEAN THAT.
ONLY JUST US BEING SO CLOSE TOGETHER FOR SO MANY MONTHS IN THE SOFT-TOY DEPARTMEN AND YE NEVER DARING TO OH! OH, VICTOR! OH, IRIS! WHO CAN THAT BE? OH, WELL, YOU TRY AND GET RID OF THEM.
YES, I WILL, I WILL, YES.
WON'T BE A MOMENT.
I'LL GET RID OF THEM.
HELLO! HELLO? REMEMBER ME? OH, NO, I'M IN THE PUB THE TALL, THIN ONE WITH THE MUSTACHE, REMEMBER? NO, I'M AFRAID ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO.
NO, I DON'T, I'M AFRAID.
OH, BLIMEY, IT'S DARK IN HERE.
THAT'S BETTER.
ONLY YOU SAID WE MUST HAVE A DRINK TOGETHER SOMETIME SO I THOUGHT I'D TAKE YOU UP ON I AS THE FILM SOCIETY MEETING WAS CANCELED THIS EVENING.
YES, BUT, LOOK, TO BE FRANK IT IS A LITTLE AWKWARD THIS EVENING.
HELLO, I'M ARTHUR, ARTHUR NAME.
NAME BY NAME BUT NOT BY NATURE.
I ALWAYS SAY THAT, DON'T I, VICKY BOY? REALLY? IS THAT YOUR WIFE? UH, NO, ACTUALLY, BUT OH, I GET THE PICTURE.
EH? WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, VICKY BOY.
I KNOW ALL ABOU ONE-NIGHT STANDS.
I BEG YOUR PARDON! MIND IF I CHANGE THE RECORD? NO, LOOK, LOOK, WE PUT THAT ON.
OH, HERE'S A GOOD ONE.
I HEARD IT IN A PUB.
WHAT'S BROWN WHAT'S BROWN AND SOUNDS LIKE A BELL? I BEG YOUR PARDON? WHAT'S BROWN AND SOUNDS LIKE A BELL? THAT'S A GOOD ONE, THAT ONE.
I LIKE THAT ONE.
THERE, I WON' KEEP YOU LONG.
OH, THAT'S BETTER.
NOW, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'LL WAIT HERE TILL YOU'VE FINISHED.
WHO THE HELL IS THAT? OH, I'LL GET IT.
IT'LL BE FRIENDS OF MINE.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF INVITING THEM ALONG.
LOOK, WE WERE HOPING TO HAVE A QUIET EVENING ON OUR OWN.
OH, THEY WON'T MIND.
THEY'RE VERY BROAD-MINDED.
HELLO! GOOD EVENING.
OH, GOOD EVENING.
MY NAME IS EQUATOR, BRIAN EQUATOR.
LIKE ROUND THE MIDDLE OF THE EARTH ONLY WITH AN "L.
" THIS IS MY WIFE, AUDREY.
SHE SMELLS A BIT, BU SHE HAS A HEART OF GOLD.
WELL, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDING BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE OH, WHO'S THAT THEN? WHAT? WHO'S THE BIRD? WELL, I MEAN YOU GOT A NICE PAIR THERE, HAVEN'T YOU, LOVE? COME ON, GIVE US A KISS.
SHUT UP, YOU SILLY BITCH, IT WAS ONLY A BIT OF FUN.
NOW, LOOK HERE.
BIG GIN, PLEASE.
I'LL GET IT! LOOK, LEAVE THOSE DRINKS ALONE.
AND THREE TINS OF BEANS FOR ME, PLEASE.
I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF THE BEANS, YOU WHORE! I ONLY WANT THREE CANS! BUTTON YOUR LIP, YOU RAT-BAG! IT WAS RATHER WITTY, WASN'T IT? WHERE'S MY GIN? WHO THE HELL'S THAT? OH, WHY, UH, I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF INVITING AN OLD FRIEND ALONG AS HIS WIFE HAS JUST PASSED AWAY AND HE'S SOMEWHAT DISTRAUGH POOR CHAP.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
OH, MY GOD, WHA A SIMPLY GHASTLY PLACE! IT'S NOT TOO GOOD, IS IT? A PINT OF CREME DE MENTHE FOR MY FRIEND.
WELL, HOW ARE YOU, YOU GREAT POOF? BIT LUMPY.
AH, NO WONDER, I WAS SITTING ON THE CAT.
I BROUGHT ALONG THIS SIMPLY GORGEOUS LITTLE MAN I PICKED UP AT THE ODEON.
IS HE SEXY, THEN? I HAD TO BRING THE GOA AND HE'S NOT WELL.
I ONLY HOPE HE DON' GO ON THE CARPET.
COME ON, THEN, LOVE, DROP THEM.
BLIMEY, SHE DON' GO MUCH, DO SHE? OH! I WET THEM.
THE GOAT'S GOAT'S DONE A BUNDLE.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
LOOK, GET OUT, ALL OF YOU.
GO ON, GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! I BEG YOUR PARDON? I'M TURNING YOU ALL OUT.
I'M NOT HAVING MY HOUSE FILLED WITH FILTHY PERVERTS.
NOW, LOOK, I'M GIVING JUST HALF A MINUTE.
THEN I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE, SO GET OUT.
I DON'T MUCH LIKE THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE.
RIGHT, LET'S HAVE A DING DONG.
CUIDA CUIDADO LLAMAS!
U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
SENORES, SENORAS Y SENORITAS, BUENAS NOCHES.
BUENAS NOCHES.
ESTA NOCHE PRESENTAMOS CON MUCHO GUSTO INFORMACION INTERESANTE ACERCA DE LA LLAMA.
LA LLAMA! AY-YA! AMAZONAS! PA-PA-PA! OLE! CUIDADO, LLAMAS! OLE! FINE.
OKAY.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: A MAN WITH A TAPE RECORDER UP HIS NOSE.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: THE OFFICE OF SIR GEORGE HEAD, O.
B.
E.
NEXT, PLEASE.
AH, ONE AT A TIME, PLEASE.
THERE IS ONLY ME, SIR.
SO THERE IS.
AH, TAKE A, UM SEAT? SEAT, SEAT TAKE A SEAT.
SO, YOU WANT TO JOIN MY MOUNTAINEERING EXPEDITION, DO YOU? ME, SIR? YES.
YES, I'D VERY MUCH LIKE TO, SIR.
JOLLY GOOD, JOLLY GOOD.
AND HOW ABOUT YOU? THERE IS ONLY ME, SIR.
WELL, BANG GOES HIS APPLICATION THEN.
NOW, LET ME FILL YOU IN.
I'M LEADING THIS EXPEDITION AND WE'RE GOING TO CLIMB BOTH PEAKS OF MOUNT KILIMAN JARO.
I THOUGHT THERE WAS ONLY ONE PEAK, SIR.
WELL, THAT'LL SAVE A BIT OF TIME.
WELL, THEN.
NOW, THE OBJECT OF THIS EXPEDITION IS TO SEE IF WE CAN FIND ANY TRACES OF LAS YEAR'S EXPEDITION.
LAST YEAR'S EXPEDITION? YES, MY BROTHER WAS LEADING THAT.
THEY WERE GOING TO BUILD A BRIDGE BETWEEN THE TWO PEAKS.
MY IDEA, I'M AFRAID.
NOW, I OUGH TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE PRACTICALLY EVERYONE THAT I NEED FOR THIS EXPEDITION.
SO WHAT SPECIAL QUALIFICATIONS DO YOU HAVE? WELL, SIR YES, YOU FIRST.
THERE IS ONLY ME, SIR.
I WASN' TALKING TO YOU.
CARRY ON.
WELL, I'M A FULLY QUALIFIED MOUNTAINEER.
MOUNTAINEER? MOUNTAINEER? MOUND MOUNTAIN TWO MEN SKILLED IN CLIMBING MOUNTAINS.
JOLLY GOOD, WELL, YOU'RE IN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
BOTH OF YOU.
NOW, WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES? ARTHUR WILSON.
ARTHUR WILSON, RIGHT.
WELL, LOOK, I'LL CALL YOU ARTHUR WILSON ONE AND YOU ARTHUR WILSON TWO JUST TO AVOID CONFUSION.
ARE YOU ACTUALLY LEADING THIS EXPEDITION, SIR? YES, WE ARE LEADING THIS EXPEDITION TO AFRICA.
AND WHAT ROUTES WILL YOU BOTH BE TAKING? GOOD QUESTIONS.
SHALL I? FINE.
WELL, WE'LL BE LEAVING ON JANUARY 22 AND TAKING THE FOLLOWING ROUTES: THE A23s THROUGH PURLEYS DOWN ONTO THE MAIN ROADS NEAR PURBRIGHTS AVOIDING LEATHERHEADS AND THEN TAKING THE A231s ENTERING ROTTINGDEANS FROM THE NORTH.
FROM ROTTINGDEANS, WE GO THROUGH AFRICA TO NAIROBIS.
WE TAKE THE SOUTH ROAD OUT OF NAIROBIS FOR ABOUT 12 MILES AND THEN ASK.
DOES ANYONE SPEAK SWAHILI, SIR? OH, YES, I THINK MOS OF THEM DO DOWN THERE.
DOES ANYONE IN OUR PARTY SPEAK SWAHILI, SIR? WELL, MATRON'S GOT A SMATTERING.
APART FROM THE TWO MATRONS GOOD GOD, I FORGOT ABOUT HER.
APART FROM THEM, WHO ELSE IS COMING ON THE EXPEDITION, SIR? WELL, WE'VE GO THE ARTHUR BROWN TWINS TWO BOTANISTS CALLED MACHIN THE WILLIAM JOHNSTON BROTHERS TWO OF THEM.
NO, FOUR OF THEM PAIR OF IDENTICAL TWINS.
AND A COUPLE OF THE KEN SPINOZA QUADS.
THE OTHER TWO PULLED OUT.
AND, OF COURSE, YOU TWO.
AND NONE OF THESE ARE MOUNTAINEERS? WELL, YOU TWO ARE.
AND WE'VE GO A BRACE OF GUIDES CALLED JIMMY BLENKINSOP BECAUSE KILIMAN JARO'S A PRETTY TRICKY CLIMB, YOU KNOW.
MOST OF IT'S UP TILL YOU REACH THE VERY, VERY TOP AND THEN IT TENDS TO SLOPE AWAY RATHER SHARPLY.
BUT JIMMY'S PU HIS HEADS TOGETHER AND WORKED OU A WAY UP JIMMY? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET.
JIMMY BLENKINSOP, ARTHUR WILSON.
ARTHUR WILSON, JIMMY BLENKINSOP.
ARTHUR WILSON TWO, JIMMY BLENKINSOP ONE.
JIMMY BLENKINSOP ONE, ARTHUR WILSON TWO.
CARRY ON, JIMMYS.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE, UH WE'LL GET HIM UP SOMEHOW.
NOW, THE APPROACH TO KILIMAN JARO IS, QUITE SIMPLY, OVER THE FOOTHILLS.
AND THEN WE GO ON AFTER THA UP TO SET A BASE CAMP SOMEWHERE IN THE REGION OF THE BOTTOM OF THE GLACIER WHEN AFTER THE GLACIER WE'LL FIND AND OF COURSE, WE HAVE THIS RATHER DIFFICULT CLIMB YOU'LL BE LEADING THE FIRST ASSAULT.
WELL, I'M AFRAID I SHAN'T BE COMING ON YOUR EXPEDITION, SIR AS I'VE ABSOLUTELY NO CONFIDENCE IN ANYONE INVOLVED IN IT.
OH DEAR.
WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU? WELL, I'M GAME, SIR.
SO ARE WE.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: A MAN WITH A TAPE RECORDER UP HIS BROTHER'S NOSE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THE ADVANTAGES OF OWNING A REALLY FINE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS? FOR ONLY TEN SHILLINGS.
GEORGE LOUISE, I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME AT THE OFFICE.
CONGRATULATIONS, SIR.
YOU'VE JUST ONE THIS LOVELY CUPIE DOLL.
GET OFF! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU PANSY! MORNING.
AH, MORNING SIR, MORNING, MORNING.
I'LL B-B-BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
OH, FINE, FINE.
UM, HOW HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, SIR? JUST SHORT BACK AND SIDES, PLEASE.
HOW DO YOU DO THAT? JUST ORDINARY SHOR BACK AND SIDES.
IT'S NOT A, UM, A RAZOR CUT RAZOR RAZOR RAZOR RAZOR CUT! BLOOD SPURT ARTERY MURDER! OH, THANK GOD, THANK GOD.
IT'S JUST, UH SCISSORS.
YES, YES.
YOU WOULDN'T RATHER HAVE I JUST COMBED, WOULD YOU, SIR? I BEG YOUR PARDON? YOU WOULDN'T RATHER FORGET ALL ABOUT IT? NO, NO, NO, I WANT IT CUT.
CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT! BLOOD SPURT ARTERY MURDER! HITCHCOCK PSYCHO BLOOD DAMN IT! RIGHT, SO I'LL GE E-E-EVERYTHING READY.
IN THE MEANTIME PERHAPS YOU'D FILL IN ONE OF THESE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE, YES.
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT? WHERE IT SAYS "NEXT OF KIN" SHOULD I PUT "MOTHER"? YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.
THERE WE ARE.
THANK YOU.
RIGHT.
HA HA.
HA HA.
THERE.
FINISHED.
I FINISHED CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING YOUR HAIR.
IT'S ALL DONE.
YOU HAVEN' STARTED CUTTING IT.
I HAVE.
I DID IT VERY QUICKLY, YOUR HONOR SIR SIR, SIR, SIR.
LOOK HERE, OLD FELLOW.
I KNOW WHEN A CHAP'S CUT MY HAIR AND WHEN HE HASN' SO WILL YOU PLEASE STOP FOOLING AROUND AND GET ON WITH IT? YES YES, I WILL, SIR.
I'M GOING TO CU YOUR HAIR, SIR.
I'M GOING TO STAR CUTTING YOUR HAIR, SIR.
START CUTTING NOW.
Nice day, sir.
YES, FLOWERS COULD DO WITH A DROP OF RAIN THERE.
You see the match last night, sir? YEAH, GOOD GAME, I THOUGHT.
I thought Hurst played well, sir.
BEG YOUR PARDON? I thought Hurst played well.
OH, YES, ONLY ONE WHO DID, THOUGH.
Can you put your head down a little, sir? OH, SORRY.
I prefer to watch Palace nowadays.
Oh, sorry, was that your ear? NO, NO, DIDN' FEEL A THING.
HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON? Yes, it is a nice sport, isn't it? IT LOOKS VERY NICE, SIR.
IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHEN I FIRST CAME IN.
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT, I CONFESS I HAVEN'T CU YOUR HAIR.
I HATE CUTTING HAIR.
I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE UN-UN-UN-UNCONTROLLABLE FEAR WHENEVER I SEE HAIR.
WHEN I WAS A KID I USED TO HATE THE SIGH OF HAIR BEING CUT.
MY MOTHER SAID I WAS A FOOL.
SHE SAID THE ONLY WAY TO CURE I WAS BECOME A BARBER.
SO I SPENT FIVE GHASTLY YEARS IN THE HAIRDRESSER'S TRAINING CENTER AT TOTNES.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT'S LIKE CUTTING THE SAME HEAD FOR FIVE YEARS!? I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A BARBER ANYWAY.
I WANTED TO BE A LUMBERJACK.
LEAPING FROM TREE TO TREE AS THEY FLOAT DOWN THE MIGHTY RIVERS OF BRITISH COLUMBIA.
THE GIANT REDWOOD, THE LARCH, THE FIR, THE MIGHTY SCOTS PINE.
THE SMELL OF FRESH-CUT TIMBER! THE CRASH OF MIGHTY TREES! WITH MY BEST GIRLIE BY MY SIDE.
WE'D SING SING SING! A BRA! OH, BEVIS! AND I THOUGH YOU WERE SO RUGGED.
"DEAR SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN IN THE STRONGEST POSSIBLE TERMS "ABOUT THE SONG WHICH YOU HAVE JUST BROADCAS "ABOUT THE LUMBERJACK WHO WEARS WOMEN'S CLOTHES.
"MANY OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE LUMBERJACKS AND ONLY A FEW OF THEM ARE TRANSVESTITES.
" "YOURS FAITHFULLY BRIGADIER SIR CHARLES ARTHUR STRONG.
" P.
S.
I HAVE NEVER KISSED THE EDITOR OF THE RADIO TIMES.
WELL, I OBJECT TO ALL THIS SEX ON THE TELEVISION.
I MEAN, I KEEP FALLING OFF.
WELL, I THINK TELEVISION'S KILLED REAL ENTERTAINMENT.
IN THE OLD DAYS, WE USED TO MAKE OUR OWN FUN.
AT CHRISTMAS PARTIES I USED TO STRIKE MYSELF ON THE HEAD REPEATEDLY WITH BLUNT INSTRUMENTS, WHILE CROONING.
OH! OW! GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND WELCOME TO THE REFRESHMEN ROOM HERE AT BLETCHLEY.
MY NAME IS KENNY LUST AND I'M YOUR COMPERE FOR TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW, ONCE IN A WHILE, I IS MY PLEASURE AND MY PRIVILEGE TO WELCOME HERE AT THE REFRESHMENT ROOM SOME OF THE TRULY GREA INTERNATIONAL ARTISTS OF OUR TIME.
AND TONIGHT WE HAVE ONE SUCH ARTIST.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN SOMEONE WHOM I'VE ALWAYS PERSONALLY ADMIRED PERHAPS MORE DEEPLY, MORE STRONGLY MORE ABJECTLY THAN ANY OTHER PERFORMER A MAN WELL, MORE THAN A MAN, A GOD A GREAT GOD WHOSE PERSONALITY IS SO TOTALLY AND UTTERLY WONDERFUL THAT MY FEEBLE WORDS OF WELCOME SOUND WRETCHEDLY AND PATHETICALLY INADEQUATE.
SOMEONE WHOSE BOOTS I WOULD GLADLY LICK CLEAN UNTIL HOLES WORE THROUGH MY TONGUE.
A MAN WHO IS SO TOTALLY AND UTTERLY WONDERFUL THAT I WOULD RATHER BE SEALED IN A PIT OF MY OWN FILTH THAN DARE TREAD ON THE SAME STAGE WITH HIM.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE INCOMPARABLY SUPERIOR HUMAN BEING, HARRY FINK.
HE CAN'T COME.
NEVER MIND.
HE'S NOT ALL HE'S CRACKED UP TO BE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE GIVE YOU KEN BUDDHA AND HIS INFLATABLE KNEES.
KEN BUDDHA, A SMILE, TWO BANGS AND A RELIGION.
NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR YOUR FURTHER ENTERTAINMEN BRIAN ISLAM AND BRUCIE.
SO, ANYWAY, I BECAME A BARBER.
OH, POOR CHAP.
YES, PITY, REALLY.
I ALWAYS PREFERRED THE OUTDOOR LIFE HUNTING, SHOOTING, FISHING GETTING OUT THERE WITH A GUN SLAUGHTERING A FEW OF GOD'S CREATURES.
THAT WAS THE LIFE.
CHARGING ABOU THE MOORLAND BLASTING THEIR HEADS OFF.
I'M SORRY, WE DON' NEED YOU THIS WEEK.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
WOULD YOU WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF IF I HELD YOUR HAND? OH! OH, NO, NOT AT ALL.
OH, IRIS, YOU'RE SO VERY BEAUTIFUL.
OH! OH, DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT? I DO, I DO, I DO.
I THINK I'M BEGINNING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
OH, VICTOR! HUH! SILLY, ISN'T IT? NO! NO, NOT AT ALL DEAR, SWEET VICTOR.
NO, I DIDN' MEAN THAT.
ONLY JUST US BEING SO CLOSE TOGETHER FOR SO MANY MONTHS IN THE SOFT-TOY DEPARTMEN AND YE NEVER DARING TO OH! OH, VICTOR! OH, IRIS! WHO CAN THAT BE? OH, WELL, YOU TRY AND GET RID OF THEM.
YES, I WILL, I WILL, YES.
WON'T BE A MOMENT.
I'LL GET RID OF THEM.
HELLO! HELLO? REMEMBER ME? OH, NO, I'M IN THE PUB THE TALL, THIN ONE WITH THE MUSTACHE, REMEMBER? NO, I'M AFRAID ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO.
NO, I DON'T, I'M AFRAID.
OH, BLIMEY, IT'S DARK IN HERE.
THAT'S BETTER.
ONLY YOU SAID WE MUST HAVE A DRINK TOGETHER SOMETIME SO I THOUGHT I'D TAKE YOU UP ON I AS THE FILM SOCIETY MEETING WAS CANCELED THIS EVENING.
YES, BUT, LOOK, TO BE FRANK IT IS A LITTLE AWKWARD THIS EVENING.
HELLO, I'M ARTHUR, ARTHUR NAME.
NAME BY NAME BUT NOT BY NATURE.
I ALWAYS SAY THAT, DON'T I, VICKY BOY? REALLY? IS THAT YOUR WIFE? UH, NO, ACTUALLY, BUT OH, I GET THE PICTURE.
EH? WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, VICKY BOY.
I KNOW ALL ABOU ONE-NIGHT STANDS.
I BEG YOUR PARDON! MIND IF I CHANGE THE RECORD? NO, LOOK, LOOK, WE PUT THAT ON.
OH, HERE'S A GOOD ONE.
I HEARD IT IN A PUB.
WHAT'S BROWN WHAT'S BROWN AND SOUNDS LIKE A BELL? I BEG YOUR PARDON? WHAT'S BROWN AND SOUNDS LIKE A BELL? THAT'S A GOOD ONE, THAT ONE.
I LIKE THAT ONE.
THERE, I WON' KEEP YOU LONG.
OH, THAT'S BETTER.
NOW, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'LL WAIT HERE TILL YOU'VE FINISHED.
WHO THE HELL IS THAT? OH, I'LL GET IT.
IT'LL BE FRIENDS OF MINE.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF INVITING THEM ALONG.
LOOK, WE WERE HOPING TO HAVE A QUIET EVENING ON OUR OWN.
OH, THEY WON'T MIND.
THEY'RE VERY BROAD-MINDED.
HELLO! GOOD EVENING.
OH, GOOD EVENING.
MY NAME IS EQUATOR, BRIAN EQUATOR.
LIKE ROUND THE MIDDLE OF THE EARTH ONLY WITH AN "L.
" THIS IS MY WIFE, AUDREY.
SHE SMELLS A BIT, BU SHE HAS A HEART OF GOLD.
WELL, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDING BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE OH, WHO'S THAT THEN? WHAT? WHO'S THE BIRD? WELL, I MEAN YOU GOT A NICE PAIR THERE, HAVEN'T YOU, LOVE? COME ON, GIVE US A KISS.
SHUT UP, YOU SILLY BITCH, IT WAS ONLY A BIT OF FUN.
NOW, LOOK HERE.
BIG GIN, PLEASE.
I'LL GET IT! LOOK, LEAVE THOSE DRINKS ALONE.
AND THREE TINS OF BEANS FOR ME, PLEASE.
I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF THE BEANS, YOU WHORE! I ONLY WANT THREE CANS! BUTTON YOUR LIP, YOU RAT-BAG! IT WAS RATHER WITTY, WASN'T IT? WHERE'S MY GIN? WHO THE HELL'S THAT? OH, WHY, UH, I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF INVITING AN OLD FRIEND ALONG AS HIS WIFE HAS JUST PASSED AWAY AND HE'S SOMEWHAT DISTRAUGH POOR CHAP.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
OH, MY GOD, WHA A SIMPLY GHASTLY PLACE! IT'S NOT TOO GOOD, IS IT? A PINT OF CREME DE MENTHE FOR MY FRIEND.
WELL, HOW ARE YOU, YOU GREAT POOF? BIT LUMPY.
AH, NO WONDER, I WAS SITTING ON THE CAT.
I BROUGHT ALONG THIS SIMPLY GORGEOUS LITTLE MAN I PICKED UP AT THE ODEON.
IS HE SEXY, THEN? I HAD TO BRING THE GOA AND HE'S NOT WELL.
I ONLY HOPE HE DON' GO ON THE CARPET.
COME ON, THEN, LOVE, DROP THEM.
BLIMEY, SHE DON' GO MUCH, DO SHE? OH! I WET THEM.
THE GOAT'S GOAT'S DONE A BUNDLE.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
LOOK, GET OUT, ALL OF YOU.
GO ON, GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! I BEG YOUR PARDON? I'M TURNING YOU ALL OUT.
I'M NOT HAVING MY HOUSE FILLED WITH FILTHY PERVERTS.
NOW, LOOK, I'M GIVING JUST HALF A MINUTE.
THEN I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE, SO GET OUT.
I DON'T MUCH LIKE THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE.
RIGHT, LET'S HAVE A DING DONG.
CUIDA CUIDADO LLAMAS!