Mr. Iglesias (2019) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Man, it's so good to be back.
You know, the strike was worth it.
We got most of what we were asking for.
But not everything.
We didn't get 10:00 a.
m.
start time.
You were the only one asking for that.
You know, a strike is like a colonoscopy.
Can I take your word for it? With a colonoscopy Nope, he's off and running.
See, it's unpleasant while it's happening, but when it's over, you know you did the right thing.
Well, thank God it's over the strike and that analogy.
Hey, good morning, Abby.
Hey, guys.
Isn't it great to be back with our kids? I got a standing ovation.
That's awesome.
Tony's kids didn't even notice he was gone.
Not true.
I know because they were clearly upset when I came back.
Well, I'm glad it was only a week.
Gotta go organize the student college tours.
Whitney Carson from my honors class is ready to roll.
Her itinerary is laminated.
Big deal, so is my Chipotle card.
- Good morning, gang.
- Hey.
Paula and I had a little girls' night last night.
She continues to generously enlighten me in the ways of the world.
I don't know how much I enlightened you.
Every time guys would try to holler at us, you'd start talking about your ex, Danny.
Is that bad? It's not good.
It's up there with "I'm saving myself for marriage" and "my kids are gonna love you.
" Danny, the college football star.
Danny, the rescue-dog adopter.
Danny, who pays his taxes.
Every time the men would go to get our drinks, they'd never return.
They went to go find Danny.
College football star? Is there even a college in South Dakota? And rescue dog just means he got a free dog.
As long as you keep fixating on Danny, no man will ever measure up.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, who am I kidding? I saw that sext message.
No man will ever measure up.
You know, the iPhone distorts images, especially if you zoom.
Zoom? You could see that thing from outer space! But it's about the motion in the ocean, right? Sure, skipper, keep telling yourself that.
Hey, Abby, I thought you were over Danny.
Yeah, haven't we all moved on? I know I have.
- Morning, sports fans.
- Hey, Coach.
I think I could move on if Danny stopped sending me flowers and poems and naming stars after me.
All the stars should be named after you.
Pump your brakes, Little Dipper.
Hmm.
Hey, Ms.
Spencer, you got some man problems? I got some man solutions.
Well, it's just that I'm ready to move on, but Danny isn't.
I'll call the jerk.
Threaten to break his neck, and he'll never bother you again, capiche? Oh, that is such a sweet offer, Coach Dixon, but I think he just needs a little more time.
Well, let me know when you wanna speed things up.
Bingo and Bango are locked [INHALES SHARPLY.]
and loaded.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, toodles noodles.
See you in the soup.
Okay.
Hey, football season's been over for a month now.
Poor Coach is getting a little nutty.
Yeah, he's proof that they don't drug test here.
Yeah.
You know, actually, having a third party tell Danny it's time to move on isn't a crazy idea.
It's not? Well, name two crazier ones.
Ice fishing and the Gathering of the Juggalos.
I'm sorry, bro, but hip-hop clowns making it rain Faygo doesn't sound crazy to me.
What's Faygo? That's white people Fanta.
Gabe, you could convince anybody of anything.
You could sell sawdust to a lumber mill.
Will you please call Danny? [SIGHS.]
You know, calling a lumber mill would be a lot less awkward than calling some guy I've never met who cheated on my friend.
[TONY.]
Come on, Gabe, you gotta help Abby move on.
It's the right thing to do for all of us.
Here's Danny's number.
Thanks, Gaber.
Toodles noodles.
See you in the menudo.
- So what are you gonna do? - Well, I'm gonna call Danny.
And if it doesn't work out, I'm gonna give this to my sister.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias So, you'll all need to sell ten boxes of candy bars to help cover the cost of the college tours.
Moving weight on the streets.
Big Red gon' get paid.
Oh, Mr.
Hayward, if my parents buy 20 boxes, can I have an empty seat next to me on the plane? Hm.
And can I visit whatever colleges Whitney isn't visiting? Don't worry, I'm not visiting any of my safety schools.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.]
My safety school is Bunker Hill Community College.
Nothing safer than a school in a bunker.
Right? [SCOFFS.]
Yes, Lorenzo.
Some of you will see community colleges, others will look at state schools like UCLA, UC Irvine - I always wanted to go to UCLA.
- Mm-hmm? Until their football program went down the toilet! Thanks, Chip Kelly! All right, Walt, I'm deputizing you.
You're in charge of logistics and planning.
Oh, nope, that plan is not logical.
Come on, I got this.
Yo, who needs some sugar? I got that good nougat.
Yo, I saw The Wire.
You gotta give 'em a taste for free, and then they'll buy the whole box.
Yeah.
You know, maybe it was a mistake inviting sophomores to participate this year.
Well, I've already decided on my dream school: Long Beach State.
I don't even need a tour.
I drive by it on the way home from two of my three jobs.
Long Beach State sounds good to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
But even I know, Long Beach? [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Not a state.
Mm-hmm.
With your grades, Marisol, you should aim higher.
Think Berkeley, Stanford.
I know you can handle a school with that kind of rigor.
What's "rigor" mean? It means you should be focusing on junior colleges there, Mikey.
Oh, my God, Gabe! Danny called me right after you talked to him.
You're a miracle worker! Hey.
Just call me La Virgen de Guadalupe.
You never know, one day maybe a cholo will tattoo me on his neck.
What's a cholo? Remember when we went to the Dodger game? - Uh-huh.
- And, um, there was that one guy with the hickeys and the girlfriend - that kept hitting on you? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, the guy that beat him up.
Oh! That's a cholo.
I thought a cholo was a Mexican pastry.
- That's a churro.
- [ABBY.]
Ooh! Those are awesome.
Yeah, okay.
Well, anyway.
When I talked to Danny, he sounded like a completely different person.
Like he was ready to make a fresh start, which means I can make a fresh start.
Yeah, Abby, it's about time you moved on from that mutant inbred piglet with cloven hooves from South Dakota.
No offense.
Yeah, "no offense" makes it all better.
Shortcake.
- Danny? - [DANNY.]
Hi.
What are you doing here? Danny? He's beautiful.
I just listened to your friend, Gabe.
[GASPS.]
You must be Gabe! - Do I have to be? - [DANNY GRUNTS.]
[SILENTLY MOUTHING.]
When Abby said you're probably the greatest person she ever met, she did not do you justice, my man.
Oh.
Yeah, well, Abby never mentioned what a great hugger you are.
[CHUCKLES.]
Is it weird that I wanted that to last a little bit longer? You know, in the Bible, the archangel Gabriel appeared to Daniel to explain his vision.
I'm Daniel, you're Gabriel.
And do you know who you are, Abby? The vision.
Aww! [CHUCKLES.]
Still not clear on why you're here.
Yo, Spencer, you solve your little pest problem? Hey, Coach.
Actually, this is Danny.
[YELPS.]
You still wanna introduce him to Bingo and Bango? No, I do not.
You never told me he was from Krypton.
Coach out.
You know, Danny, when I said it was time to move on, you must've heard it was time to move on to an airplane? [CHUCKLES.]
No, I heard what you were really saying: "Get your butt out to Long Beach and make things right with the most perfect gal in the world.
" Huh.
You know, something definitely got lost in translation there.
On the bright side, Abby, you are no longer the tallest person in the room.
[SILENTLY MOUTHING.]
How you doing, girl? I'm okay.
Still a little surprised, angry, happy to see him, vengeful, still in love, full of rage, flattered, you know, the uszh.
Yeah, and who says women are complicated? So, what are you gonna do? Just feels like I have to break up with him all over again.
It's so much harder in person.
When I look into his eyes [SIGHS.]
I'm helpless.
Hm.
I haven't even made it up to his eyes.
But I don't trust him.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Paula's right.
I know guys like this.
You are "guys like this.
" That's fair.
All right, drinks for everyone who looked after Abby.
Well, this should be the first of several rounds.
Oh, it is.
And here's an Appletini for the world's greatest boss.
- Oh! - And a second Appletini for the world's most fun boss.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, now I'm starting to see that eye thing.
And Tony, I know you said you wanted the house whiskey, but you are a top-shelf guy in my book, so here's Johnnie! - Johnnie Walker? - Mm-hmm.
Ooh.
- From the magazines? - [DANNY.]
Mm-hmm.
Thanks, Danny! Hey, I put a maraschino cherry in your ginger ale, Gabe.
It's my favorite mocktail.
You know, fun fact about mocktails is the the whole world is mocking you for being in recovery.
And a lemon drop for my lemon drop.
Oh, boy, Danny.
Shortcake, I messed up, and I will never stop being sorry for hurting you, and you can say anything you need to to me and I will stand here and take it.
Aw You are so sweet and such a jerk.
And so handsome, and so terrible.
Mmm, Paula, I need the little girls' room.
Okay, separate stalls.
We not there yet.
Abby told me so much about you guys and how much you helped her, that I come bearing gifts.
[BOTH.]
Presents! Now, Abby was telling me that you love wrestling as much as I do? Only if you love it more than anything in the world.
Well, I love Abby more than anything in the world.
But wrestling is a close second.
What? Oh, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Ric Flair? Whoo! This is like the Holy Trinity.
Thank you, Danny.
No, thank you, Gabe.
And Tony, I don't want you to think we left you out, but Abby left something out.
Really? What? How handsome you are.
- Oh! - [DANNY.]
I mean, look at you.
You could cut diamonds with those cheekbones.
Anyway Uh - I heard you like games of chance? - He sure does.
He rolls the dice at last call every night.
Well, I got you some scratchers, lotto tickets, and an NFL five team parlay.
Nice! This killjoy tried to get me to go to Gamblers Anonymous.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, you guys are like the brothers I never had.
And I had brothers.
Ooh! Oh, Tony, you need a refill.
Looks like Johnnie Walker walked right into your tum-tum, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Tum-tum.
[IN LOW VOICE.]
Tum-tum.
I call BS.
No dude is that nice.
I'm that nice.
Yeah, there's no way there could be two of you.
Hey, Katie.
Do us a favor.
We need to find out if Danny's still a creep.
The 40% tipper? Heh.
I got no problem with him.
Hey, just because you tip a lot doesn't mean you're a good person.
Hey, pump your brakes, Little Tipper.
Fine, I got this.
- Here, Tony.
- Ooh! You target these delts, or is that all natural? Uh I don't know how they do it in Long Beach, but that tip in no way was to suggest anything untoward.
I love Abby.
And yes, I have been known to target these delts.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Hey, back off, homewrecker.
He's taken.
Sucia.
Oh, I bet Paula would like a fresh one waiting for her - when she gets back, am I right? - Oh.
He really seems to get Paula.
Gabe, Abby and I came up with a plan.
And yes, we were in the same stall.
You gotta convince Danny to go home.
What? He just gave us presents, and they're awesome.
You do it.
I can't do it.
When I look him in the eye, I go all wobbly.
I know, right? There you go.
Oh, my Lord.
Six foot four and a heavy pour I can see how he would grow on you.
Yeah, Danny's pretty special.
Hmm.
- [GABE.]
Hey! Um - [STAMMERS.]
Captain Morgan, would you like to sit down and, uh ? Yeah.
Oh, check it out, Mr.
Hayward.
I got junior colleges here, state colleges over there, and Whitney wanted to be all by herself.
In life, you'll find the Whitneys of the world march to their own drum in a parade you're not invited to.
Mr.
Hayward, I've updated my transcript with my class' academic decathlon victory.
Seems a little premature.
The decathlon's not till next week.
Yeah, Mr.
Iglesias is drilling us.
We could totally beat you honors kids.
[LAUGHING.]
That is hilarious.
Oh, then why are you the only one laughing? Hey, hey, hey, how's it going over here? Uh, great.
Did you know Long Beach State's baseball team is called the Dirtbags? No way.
That place sounds awesome! [LAUGHS.]
Look at this.
Look at this.
"Dirtbags" is pretty funny especially to dirtbags.
Only to dirtbags.
Let's talk about Stanford.
Look I'm gonna be the first person in my family to go to college at all, so Long Beach State is a huge win for me.
I get it.
Long Beach is a great school.
Yeah, man.
It's even got the word "beach" right in the name.
And "long"! And "state.
" Are you sure you wanna be sitting next to these knuckleheads for the next four to six years? I know I'm not getting through to you, so I called your mom.
[CHUCKLES.]
And how did that talk go? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, it went pretty well.
It might've gone even better - if I understood a lick of Spanish.
- Ah.
Like, I know Danny and I are supposed to be rivals, but I just can't be mad at the guy.
He's too nice.
Yeah, you guys are rivals like the Lakers and Clippers are rivals.
One has 16 championships, and the other has zero.
Which am I? I don't know, Little Clipper.
Watch out, your friend Thor: Ragnarok is in there.
He just changed the bottle on the water cooler, the big one, solo.
Hey, go easy on Danny, bro.
He's a big guy, but he's tender.
Dude, I wrote the book on big, tender guys.
I got this, for Abby.
Danny's going home tonight.
- Hey, Danny.
- Hey, I got your text and your fritter.
Pietris Bakery? Oh, my God, these This is my favorite.
How did you know? Oh, Abby mentioned it 11 months ago.
Wow, you are a great listener.
Sometimes.
Well, I need you to listen to this.
Abby is ready to move on.
Oh, boy, is she really? Yeah, she told me.
That's why I called you.
Of course.
It was a warning.
No, just an update.
Right.
Gabriel, my own personal archangel, deciphering yet another vision.
I'm not deciphering anything, dude.
I'm just repeating what Abby told me yesterday.
You gotta go home.
Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the pipes are calling I have a lot of white friends.
But you're right, Gabe, you're right.
Home, South Dakota, I get it.
Thank God.
No, thank Gabe.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi, guys.
Hi.
Damn, Pietris Bakery.
Oh! I picked a bad year to be off carbs.
So, did you guys have a good talk? Yeah, one of our best.
Yeah, when Gabe lays things out for me, no matter how confused I was before, he clears it all up.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- So Abigail Myrtle Spencer What's happening? I know, "Myrtle"? Look, Tony, now you guys are the same height.
I don't suppose you're just showing your support of the NFL protestors.
I wanted to do this someplace more romantic.
Oh, Tony, are these lights on a dimmer? No.
Will you come home to South Dakota and marry me? - [GASPS.]
- Not what we talked about, bro.
Oh, Danny, this is all a little overwhelming.
[WHISPERS.]
Don't look in his eyes.
How could she not? Yes! Yes! For the second and hopefully last time, yes, I'll marry you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, my work is done.
[GRUNTS.]
Good luck, you guys.
I did not see that coming.
Uh-uh.
I can't believe I'm going to lose one of my best teachers.
I can't believe I'm gonna lose my new best friend.
No offense.
Still don't think you get the "no offense" thing.
Look, I know Abby's been all over the map with Danny, like Carmen Sandiego on a weekend getaway, but if she's happy, we should be happy for her.
Gabe, you know how you always think of everybody else instead of yourself? - Mm-hmm.
- It's weird.
We've all been thinking it.
I'm glad somebody finally told you.
Well, as weird as it may sound, I'm just thinking about my friend.
Something's going on.
I'mma find out what it is.
Hey, Cupid.
Hey, mind if I join you? Yeah, sure.
Abby Abby Abby Abby I am so confused.
You know, when you told me to tell Danny to go home, I had no idea you wanted to go with him.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I didn't at first, but then he did that thing with his eyes.
What thing? Opening them? "Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
" Luke 6:37.
"Luke, I am your father.
" Darth Vader, 1980.
Yeah.
Look, are you sure this is what you want? I mean, I'm I'm pretty sure.
I keep trying to convince myself that what I want is to meet a cool guy and have adventures here in California.
Have you considered California Adventure? It's right in the name.
When I meet a guy out here, I just know he's not gonna spend six months holding hands, getting to know me.
That's what Danny did.
Wow.
Man, I grew up here in Long Beach, and [CHUCKLES.]
you are correct.
Six months.
Está pendeja.
- Gabe.
- Yes.
The real reason I couldn't move on is because Danny is the only man I've ever been with.
- Ah, okay.
- You know, in that way? Yeah, I I get it.
- You know, biblically-wise.
- Ah! The [STAMMERS.]
Hey.
We're good.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, you got it.
Okay.
Yo, I need five more boxes.
Grandma loves chocolate more than her doctor's orders.
You're light, Lorenzo.
He had one bar, man.
You gotta take a taste to know what you're selling.
Five-oh, five-oh.
[STAMMERS.]
Hey, check it out, Mr.
Hayward.
My itinerary for our trip up north.
Huh.
"Walter Dobbs at Cal"? At Stanford? - [LAUGHING.]
That is hilarious.
- Hmm.
- You know, you're as funny as Lorenzo.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yo, what is this white B talking about? Hey, you ever been in a fight before? You know, Whitney's mean, but she ain't wrong.
These schools might be a reach, Walt.
Oh, I don't wanna enroll, I just wanna visit "Berserkley.
" Hey [CHUCKLES.]
You know, Haight-Ashbury, the place where the freak show began.
Summer of Love.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I was there.
What was it like? I have no recollection.
Marisol, you need to sell ten boxes to get to Stanford.
Nah, my bus fare to Long Beach State should only cost half a Twix.
Twix? Mm-hmm.
I knew you were gonna be stubborn, so I brought in the big guns.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Do I smell chocolate bars in bulk? Yeah, I I called your mom again.
Yeah, and then you handed me the phone.
I see where you get your toughness.
Did she tease you for not being married and not having kids? There was some verbal abuse in that area.
Mm-hmm.
But she also made it clear that it would break her heart to stand in the way of your education.
Or as she put it: [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Yup, you definitely had the right number.
Are you mad? A little.
At myself.
Oh.
If you're gonna invest this much effort into my future, I guess I have to invest in myself too.
There you go.
Well, I'm gonna invest in ten boxes of chocolate.
Bill me.
I'm gonna take one right now and make sure they're good.
If you need me, I'll be in my car, passed out.
It's been a crazy couple of days, huh? Oh, not really.
I called a guy I've never met who ignored everything I said, and now you're gonna marry him.
Boring.
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS.]
He's pretty great, isn't he? Yeah, for South Dakota.
North Dakota, South America, North America.
Yeah, I'm not gay, but you know, if we were locked up Yeah.
He is pretty great.
You know who else is great? You.
Aw, Gaber.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't know about that.
Sometimes, I just feel like such a big chicken.
Are you kidding? Who moves from a cow pasture to a big city by themselves? A brave person, that's who.
Huh.
I never really thought of myself as brave.
Talented, smart, warm, kind, funny, crafty, sure but never brave.
Well, you should, because you're one of the bravest people I know.
Hmm.
- Danny? - Shortcake? You know, I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you, and you'll always hold a special place in my heart.
Uh My My eyes are up here.
[WHISPERS.]
Don't fall for it, girl.
Look away.
[SIGHS.]
No, I'm brave.
I can do this.
Danny, I can't move back home with you.
What? Why not? It's always been you and me, Red.
Uh, speaking of red, have you guys read the new chimichanga flavors they have? They even have pictures.
I can't move back home with you, Danny, because I am home.
And whoever I marry, even you, handsome, has gotta earn my trust by holding hands with me for six months in Long Beach before they even get into the batter's box.
Good to know.
I'm sorry, Danny, but those are my terms.
Hey, tough break, bro.
But you think we could be Facebook friends? I sent you a request, no pressure.
Facebook? We're gonna be roommates.
I'm gonna need a place to stay.
I'm heading back to Sioux Falls, finishing my contract, and I'm moving here to win Abby back.
Long Beach, most livable city in America.
Champagne? I have never seen anyone take rejection so well.
He's even good at that.
To our brave girl, Abby.
To Danny.
To Gaber.
Yeah, to the guy who has to drive you drunk-asses home.
[GROUP CHUCKLES.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]