Mulligan (2023) s01e09 Episode Script

1
[dramatic music playing]
[narrator] Previously on Mulligan
[Matty] No, I do that.
Previously on Mulligan
[lasers zapping]
Sir, we gotta get you out of here!
- Oh, thank God.
- [loud thud]
This way, President Chadman!
[in alien language] 400 skorplons
for vent covers?
Come on, Axatrax!
[in English] My English isn't great,
but diarrhea throat explosion!
I do solemnly swear
to kick ass as president
till death do I stop.
[crowd cheering]
[clicks]
[hisses]
Drinkable tap water!
[all] Yay!
No more Dasani!
- [Simon gasps]
- Meadowlark Lemon?
[grunting] Guys,
we're not calling it "Chimptopia."
[screeching] Point of order!
[in English] Let me explain.
President Brad Chadman may be alive
in there.
[all gasp]
[theme music playing]
Well, this here's
the secret alien-proof bunker
that Jimmy Carter built
after watching Close Encounters
with a couple of wines in him.
Oh, LaMarr. What's up, buddy?
Sorry, I didn't recognize you
outside the office.
Bradford Chadman might be alive,
and you're just telling us now?
I just learned about the bunker, Doctor,
thanks to the president's book of secrets.
- It's real?
- It's real!
- I knew it!
- Come on!
Last time I saw President Chadman,
he made no mention of a secret bunker.
No mention at all.
[humans screaming]
Mr. President, we got about
as much time to waste here
as a pill bug
what rolled under a rocking chair,
so I will cut with my verbal saber
directly to the metaphorical quick.
What, I say what is the plan?
Oh yeah, the, uh [clears throat]
The cabinet and I
are all headed down to the Situation Room.
We'll We'll be safe there.
It is gonna be crowded,
but I'll bring Old Lappy.
Uh-huh. Great. Yeah, see you down there.
- [rumbling]
- [Chadman coughs]
I assumed that they'd been vapo-morized,
but it turns out Chadman and his cabinet
might be behind this rootin' tootin' door.
So what are we waiting for?
Oh, are you sure
you've thought this through, sir?
I know I haven't.
See, we already have a president,
but if Chadman comes out of there
Then he'd be president,
and I'd be an ex-president. Ah!
I don't wanna build a library! I won't!
Seriously? Farrah, stand up to them.
Wait, so the choice is between
Matty and Brad Chadman?
Which is why I'm proposing
a system of handmaids
to support our nation's hardworking wives.
I mean, didn't we say we were only
gonna keep the good stuff?
'Cause that guy is "the bad stuff."
He called the Dalai Lama the N-word.
And he was mean to people
who thought they were his friend.
I would actually
rather have Matty as president.
What do you mean "actually"?
Chadman did lose the popular vote
by 160 million votes,
but Matty was just elected
by people clapping.
- And going "woo."
- [Dr. Braun] Mmm.
Well, well, well,
as I live, technically,
and breathe, sometimes,
this is a conundrum.
No, a whole bushel of conundra.
Mr. President, what do you think?
Should you stay president?
Well, we know how that plays out.
But let the record show
I said maybe we shouldn't commit treason
and leave our duly-elected president
to rot in a hole.
[whooshing]
Take one for the team, Mulligan.
[mascot] Bunt, cocksucka!
Where's the crapper?
Letting him out is the right thing to do
for the team.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [lock screeches]
[grunts]
- Come on.
- I believe it's "pull."
Obviously, I was stretching!
[grunts]
[suspenseful music playing]
[dramatic music plays]
You are now behind the paywall.
Get it?
No. But I do have water in my ear.
Instead of you biking around
shouting the news,
people will come to us
for exclusive content,
like our Page 3 girl.
First look's free!
But if people are gonna give us
their hard-earned gizmos,
thingamabobs, and dinglehoppers,
we need more.
So we've gotta jump
on King Jeremy's hot tip.
[Grimes] That's what she said! I'm her!
Go talk to the first couple,
and see what you can sniff out.
Okay, bye.
Why are you taking that?
You know we can't develop pictures, man.
Not with that attitude, we can't.
[suspenseful music playing]
Huh, I guess President Chadman
never even made it to the bunker.
- [thuds]
- [panting]
[dramatic sting]
Sweet and sour Jesus!
[wails]
Holy crap, is that the president?
He looks good with a beard.
Should I grow a beard? [yelps]
Die, aliens!
- No, no, no, we're humans!
- [Dr. Braun] Humans!
- [both grunt]
- [yells]
Dude, we're here to rescue you.
Oh.
Oh, thank God.
I thought the aliens
had come to finish me off.
That's what she said.
And LaMarr, you survived.
Yes, sir, it's me.
But where, may I ask, is your cabinet?
[ethereal music playing]
- [squelch]
- [yelps]
A bug. They're in the bunker.
You haven't slept in days, Mr. President.
Maybe take a nap,
and let us hold the nuclear football.
Why? So you can use
our own nukes against us?
You're one of them.
They stole your skin to trick me.
No, no, no, no, there's no aliens here.
You're safe. We've got food and water.
[woman] Even Halloween costumes.
Look, I'm A Bug's Life. [chuckles]
- Jesus, Carol.
- [Chadman yells]
[Chadman panting] No, no, no, no!
- [man] No!
- [screams]
They're dead.
The aliens got them,
but I got the aliens.
What a tragedy.
I'm smiling about a joke I heard earlier.
So you don't have a vice president?
Let's get you home, Mr. President.
Has someone been working out?
- [Matty scoffs]
- Wow, you actually opened the door.
To quote me when I briefly taught
at a public high school
Yo, yo, yo, George Washington be all,
"Peace out, homies."
What are you doing? Stay back!
I know that wasn't easy,
but you did good back there.
- That's what she said.
- Sure.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [dogs barking]
[scoffs] Ah, they must've seen a bunny.
Banjo, Willie, Pipit, Myrna, heel!
Bad limo.
[dogs continue barking]
So they made you president, huh?
Cause I saved Earth.
I'm good at throwing,
and there was a vent.
Well, that makes sense.
It sure seemed like we were just about
to win when I went in the bunker.
Uh-huh. Huh. Okay.
[Matty] Uh
Finally. I hope you got something good.
I've been stuck running
lame celebrity news.
So that was the first time I tried sushi
and last.
Well, what's going on at the White House?
An affair? Someone's gay?
Everyone's gay?
Nobody's gay?
Which would be weird these days.
There's a spectrum.
Oh, I know.
And I went and talked to the first couple,
like you said.
Oh, sorry, Matty's not here.
Okay, bye!
[Lucy] Bye!
So there's no story, 'cause she said
the president and everybody is missing,
and no one even knows where they are.
Okay, bye!
[groans] You dum-dum, that's the story.
Where are you pointing? At that rock?
Is that rock the story?
Let's go, babe.
I'm not paying for this crap.
But don't you wanna hear stories
about the making of the movie UHF?
Fran Drescher was
a consummate professional.
I want my old life back.
I want a house
with way more bathrooms than bedrooms.
Like, way more.
Think of a number and double it.
Four bathrooms?
Go bring me something
people will pay for. [grunts]
[dramatic music plays]
Well, shoot, the place looks great.
The White House,
the human faces and bodies, everything.
I did my best to hold down the fort.
I put my knee square on its back,
and I said,
"You stay right where you are, fort."
You know what I wish I'd done more
when I had the chance, Cartwright?
Tugged on that face of yours.
Well, be my guest, sir.
I am here to serve,
and you are in need
of a vice president, so
Sure! It's all yours.
You took my axe,
so what choice do I have, right?
[laughing hysterically]
[laughs]
Oh, that's funny. I Well, I [chuckles]
Farrah, am I not First Lady anymore?
Yeah, but don't worry,
you still look like that.
You'll be fine.
No, I mean, I was worried
people would be mad at me
if I wasn't, you know, America's Mommy.
Is that what you think First
But now it's not up to me.
I can't be First Lady.
So I guess I can go be queen.
Oh my God, so this worked out for you too.
You're like a hot, grown-up
Baby's Day Out.
I can't wait to see the dress
the mice and birds
make for your wedding to King J
And we sing the loud song
'Cause it's loud singing time! ♪
It starts out loud
And it just gets louder! ♪
- This is the singing loudly song! ♪
- This is the singing loudly song! ♪
Hey, so do you guys think maybe something
is kind of off about this Chadman dude?
Your face is so realistic.
Why, thank you.
Maybe we shouldn't, you know,
rush to make him president again.
Hey, I don't like the guy.
I voted for the Green Party candidate.
- Mmm, brave.
- So brave.
But someone said letting him out
was the right thing to do.
Yeah, let it go.
I know you like all the perks,
having a roof and your own plane
Oh, I go to Air Force One to poop.
I call it Air Force Two. It's pretty full.
But this is the best thing for everyone.
Is wittle Matty's footsies
getting coldsies?
Did he lose his socksies
'cause he's a naughty kitty?
I just think
that Chadman guy's being weird.
You know,
like how that Yankovic guy used to be?
No, President Chadman is simply a new man.
He appreciates what
we did for this country.
So now it's time to put on our lederhosen,
stand on the stairs and salute,
'cause Daddy's home.
Don't you mess this up, son.
- [Matty groans]
- [dramatic music plays]
Mr. Barry, I'm so glad you're here.
Enough small talk! Where is everybody?
Including you!
Oh, I'm right here. We all are.
Oh, great! Okay, bye!
Oh, not so fast there, Vance.
Okay.
I have an exclusive scoop for you.
President Chadman is alive.
Holy moly!
The important thing is that I
will be continuing on as vice president.
Folks need to know
the real president is back in the saddle,
but that I'm right next to him
on my own horse
named, um, oh, I don't know,
just off the top my head,
Fire Dancer.
She sounds tall.
But how do I know Chadman's really alive?
I am a constant victim of elder scams.
How'd you like a picture?
- Mr. President.
- [Chadman] Huh?
Oh, well
Cheese!
[yelps] Oh dear!
Oh, it was just a camera. [chuckles]
Of course. [clears throat]
I'm from news!
I know.
You've got the bike helmet and everything.
Very human.
Oh. [yawns] Excuse me.
Boy, I forgot how exhausting
these press scrums can be.
I think I'll take a nap.
And as you both know,
humans like to be alone for sleep.
And how!
- [Vance chuckles]
- Oh, I beg to differ.
I can't sleep a wink without Mama
staring at me from her rocking chair.
Just staring and knittin' baby clothes.
[Vance] Now, what is that combination?
I know it had a zero or a six in it.
Something with curves.
Those bugs messed
with the wrong president.
This one!
Oh, dear God.
[TOD-209] Hmm?
So this is what those monsters did
with all the real humans.
Are there others like you?
[dramatic music playing]
[electronic whirring]
[mechanical whirring]
[TOD-209] There were others.
So why the hell
haven't they taken my brain?
What do they want?
Mr. President, hi.
Look, I know you were never
a big fan of science
No one's worried
about your global warming now.
Right. But I couldn't help but notice
you still had the nuclear football.
The cores of those missiles
could be a power source.
So that's your game, you space witch!
That's what those bunker bugs
wanted too. [grunts]
- [Dr. Braun] Why?
- [Chadman grunts]
[TOD-209] Others.
Oh, hello, Doctor.
What are you doing down there?
Aha!
Zero-zero-zero-one.
I should have gone in order.
It's scoop time, Johnny!
I'm not just trying
to stay president, Simon.
I am telling you,
he grabbed my face weird.
Oh, right.
I forgot about the Eleventieth Amendment
barring facial gratification.
This is pathetic, sir.
[LaMarr] Oh, by the by, sir,
it is customary for an outgoing president
to write the new president a letter.
What? Like one letter
or a bunch of letters forming words?
[dramatic music plays]
Mom, no!
Sorry, that's just my reaction
when I see a lady with a suitcase.
What are you doing?
Um, well, I mean,
we don't live here anymore, right?
Oh, yeah, right.
God, this is just like
that Hallmark movie,
From President to Pauper
with Beau Bridges and Meghan Markle.
Vancouver as D.C.? No, thank you.
You can always tell.
Anyhow, you probably ought to get packing
your own self
- Suck death, you sons of bug-bitches!
- [guns clicking]
Wow, I'm now very glad
that guy shot the Buchanan chandelier,
- despite its histori [grunts]
- [Chadman grunts]
[Chadman straining]
- [Matty yells]
- [Chadman grunts]
I'm not afraid of you!
I killed the aliens
who impersonated my cabinet,
and I will kill all of you! [grunts]
- Get off me!
- Great Little Caesar's tiny ghost!
I told you he was crazy.
You don't work at a RadioShack
for three summers and not know crazy.
Okay, he's nuts. This was a mistake.
No one can know he's alive.
Oh, Vance Barry.
Oh, excuse me, one Moesha.
Look at the way he runs.
He's obviously an alien.
All the boys in my county run like this
on account of
our gym teacher was a ostrich.
Mr. Sir, no one here is an alien.
Hey-o! I used the last tea bag
Oh, I'm sorry. I did not realize
you were having an orgy. Carry on.
- [Chadman screams, straining]
- No, no, no, that alien is our prisoner.
Hey, you know what?
That makes sense. I believe you now.
You can let me go and give me my axe back.
[continues straining, grunting]
You've gotta hear this story, Johnny.
It's gonna be big.
Is what I'm gonna say to my friend
and business partner, Johnny Zhao.
But not a word until then.
Come on, please.
Just whisper it into my butt.
But your hands are your ears.
You're no fun.
[pants] Mr. Barry, there you are.
The president wants to give you
an exclusive interview,
so just wait here, and he'll be right in.
Oh boy!
[menacing music plays]
[LaMarr grunts]
- [groans]
- [continues grunting]
[groans]
[panting]
[squelching]
What are you doing?
Uh, I'm making sure he doesn't have
a paper clip under his tongue
he can spit out
and pick the lock with. Ow!
You taste like bug.
Look who knows what bugs taste like!
President Chadman, I assure you,
we are all human beings here.
Oh yeah? Prove it.
- [scats]
- [Chadman] What?
- Are you human?
- Fine, you dance.
Nobody has to dance!
If you're human, then I am your president,
and I'm ordering you
to let me go and give me an axe.
- That is a catch-22.
- He's got us there.
It's like a brainteaser!
Yeah, I saw
right through you space chodes.
That human suit
looks nothing like Hank Scarpaccio.
He was an old Italian guy.
This guy's crazy. Let's shoot him.
- We are not assassinating anyone.
- [chuckles]
- Ass-ass.
- Ass-ass.
I mean, sure, he's a little cuckoo,
but he's the president,
and I packed already.
[whimsical music plays]
I know you're talking about me
with your alien telepathy. Rude.
President Chadman,
you've been through a terrible trauma.
And I know you're not Cartwright LaMarr.
There's no way that billion-year-old
scarecrow with a fake heart survived.
And even he wasn't stupid enough
to make that idiot president.
Which idiot? Me idiot?
[TOD-209] Sorry to interrupt.
Are we still doing cake
for Kirsten birthday?
So go ahead and scoop out my brain too.
America doesn't negotiate with terrorists,
unless you have oil,
or you want to, like, buy planes.
[TOD-209] TOD's brain scooped out of what?
[Axatrax] Hello, fellow humans.
It is me, the human, Glen.
I put that handsome prisoner
in his cell. Wink!
- Not cool, Axatrax.
- Come on, man.
You better just kill me.
'Cause if I ever get out of here,
I'm gonna nuke this whole planet
and piss in your glowing skulls.
[Dr. Braun] Oh my God.
- [Matty] Whoa!
- [Axatrax] Yikes.
Okay, I don't want to get nucleared.
It's nuculeared.
But I thought we were all gonna,
like, move on.
I think we should kill Chadman.
No one else knows he is alive, right?
Actually, it's a funny story.
We sing the loud song
'Cause it's loud singing time! ♪
It starts out loud
And it just gets louder! ♪
[all groan]
I only told him
'cause he was getting frigid toesies.
He's probably gonna do some Matty thing
and ruin the whole deal.
I was. I was gonna start a fire.
Chadman liked me this time.
He said I could be his vice president.
That's why you told. You weasel!
An animal as cute as it is fearless.
But I didn't know
he was loony as a Canadian dollar.
So let's kill Vance Barry too.
I am fine with killing humans, FYI.
We're not killing anyone!
I'd say we should invoke
the 25th Amendment
And then whoever Chadman named
vice president would become president.
Let's do that one.
But we can't because the cabinet,
that Chadman chopped into pieces,
would have to deliver a physical letter
to the Speaker of the House,
who melted, and then
Thousand-tentacled space Jesus!
That is how your government works?
Dagnabbit!
Nab it straight to heck.
You should've just left him in that bunker
like we all told you to.
Wait, you let Chadman out?
Yeah. You're always like,
"Do the right thing, Matty."
"You're so awesome."
"You should have been the first
one-man team on The Amazing Race."
Even though I wasn't there to make you,
you did the right thing.
Look, we can't just let
President Cuckoo Bird in there nuke us.
DARPA was working on
a Men In Black mind-eraser device,
but it just made Will Smith, like, weird?
Wait, why'd you test it on
I say we leave Mr. Chadman to die
like a Cartwright in a Situation Room.
Let's put that no-account
back in the bunker where we found him,
before our brave, wise,
true president let him out.
- Jesus, you are a piece of work.
- I like this guy. He's a straight shooter.
No, we can't just imprison him.
Not without a trial in the House,
followed by a two-thirds vote
This country is so dumb.
But what if going back in the bunker
was Chadman's idea?
Okay, I've got a plan,
but we gotta shut Vance Barry up,
and we can't kill him.
'Cause of his helmet, yes.
But I might know a way
to kill that story dead.
Farrah, do you still have
Axatrax's old exoskeletons?
- They're back at my lab. Why?
- Weirdo.
Your arms still grow back, right?
Yes, but why would
No time!
[mechanical whirring]
[clapping]
Congratulations.
We underestimated your human brain.
As you surmised, we are all indeed aliens.
[Matty] Gack-gack-ook!
[Lucy] Skree-googly-skree!
That is offensive.
I'll die before I give up our nukes.
[laughs]
- Yes, that's exactly what you'll do.
- [dramatic music playing]
Human robo-slave,
bring our prisoner to the Torture Room
for the brain removaning procedure.
[Matty] Grook-ook-snooky-snook.
[Dr. Braun] Ack-ack-skwa!
[Simon in alien language]
I am learning Cardibean.
Do my verb am correct?
[dramatic music continues]
- [TOD-209 in English] Die, alien.
- [Axatrax yells]
Damn it! That's why he asked.
[Chadman gasps]
[TOD-109] TOD instructed
to bring you to resistance.
You mean there are other humans
like us out there?
[TOD-209] Yes, humans like us.
I was human.
[Axatrax groans]
[chuckles] Look at his little arms.
They're like baby arms.
Ow. Hey. Stop that! Ow! Don't!
Then just move away from him.
- [dramatic music plays]
- [gasps]
Welcome to the human resistance,
Mr. President.
You can call me Buzzsaw.
This is Eight Ball,
that's Nine Ball,
and this is Ten Ball.
Thank God, I'm among humans again.
Those skin suits of theirs
were pretty convincing.
Well, if you're worried we're aliens,
cut him open and see.
Mmm, no, no, I don't need to do that.
But it means a lot that you offered.
President, you are too important
to the cause.
We need to keep you safe until we defeat
the aliens?
Sir, do you know any place
that has food and electricity?
Maybe the last place
the aliens would think to look
because maybe
they already looked for you there?
Oh, stupid, aliens.
I know the perfect place.
- [heroic music playing]
- [Matty gasps]
This was here the whole time
in a dumb seed place?
Wha This?
Like, crazy, man.
You okay, Ten Ball?
That's not how you usually talk.
I don't think that's accurate.
So you'll come get me
when you've defeated the aliens?
- Sure thing, chief.
- Definitely! Bye!
Boy, if I've learned anything from this,
it's that TOD's got a bunch
of different arm things.
- Well, well, well.
- [Lucy gasps]
- Another snake!
- Stop doing that!
You'll be safe down here, sir.
And the nuclear football?
[Dr. Braun] Ack-ack-skwa!
[Dr. Braun] While TOD distracted Chadman,
we switched the football with Lucy's bag.
- [Matty] My plan! This is Matty!
- [music crescendos]
I don't understand why
I couldn't take my underwear out first.
For the weight. Duh.
Well then, all our loose ends are tied.
I killed the story,
thank you very much, you are welcome.
[Zhao] Mm-hmm.
This story's a doozy, folks!
President Chadman is still alive!
That's your big story?
That's the same thing
the nut job out there's been yelling
for the past half-hour!
Hey, President Chadman
is alive, everybody.
Vice President LaMarr told me himself.
What?
I don't know what LaMarr's game is,
but we got played, VB.
I wish there were still managers.
He ruined my paywall.
Now I'm never gonna get my mansion
or my human chess set
or my human checker set,
which is basically the same,
except they're all short and fat
but good at jumping.
But I can prove Chadman's alive, Johnny.
I got pictures!
Why though? We can't develop them!
Whoa, wait. You got pictures?
[suspenseful music playing]
- [LaMarr sighs]
- [Lucy sighs]
Congratulations on sealing
your rightful leader
in an underground prison.
Very Cardibean of you.
Well, tricking Chadman isn't nearly as bad
as the flat-out treason
this country was founded on.
And he was way crazier than George III.
George Foreman's granddaughter?
I waited on her once. She was nice.
But Chadman was definitely crazy
to say that stuff about you, Matty.
- You're a way better president than him.
- I'll drink to that.
I mean, I was already drinking,
and I would've continued drinking,
but, hey!
Hear, hear.
And now, let's never speak of this again.
To our little secret.
- Cheers.
- [Axatrax] Hear, hear.
[Simon] Salud.
[TOD-209] TOD drank too much?
This is like
I Know What You Did Last Summer,
but Lucy's Jennifer Love Hewitt
and Sarah Michelle Gellar,
and I'm Freddie Prinze Jr.
and Ryan Phillippe.
The rest of you are all Galecki.
Axatrax, you're raincoat guy.
[whimsical music plays]
[suspenseful music playing]
I've been developing
my own photos for years.
The deep state at Walgreens would love
to get their hands on the stuff I've got.
Thanks for helping me
use up the roll, guys.
[Zhao grunts]
How are you so bad at this?
What's that? Benghazi at night?
Well, it's supposed
to be President Chadman.
That lens cap and me
do not get along. [chuckles]
[Zhao grunts]
Huh.
Oh hell yeah, player.
But that's from Easter, and the flower
I was taking a picture of is all blurry.
But the background isn't.
[dramatic music playing]
Now that's a story.
[whimsical music playing]
[music ends]