Murphy Brown s01e09 Episode Script

If there were any way I could help get you in, I would but the Inaugural Ball is the hottest event in town.
Come in.
I'm sorry, but what can I do.
I'm your average gal on the A list.
Every guy in Washington wants to go with me.
You know you can't play favorites in this town.
Thanks for understanding, and nice talking to you again, President Nixon.
Give my regards to Pat.
The man is a groundhog.
Every February, he's back.
- Can I help you? - I just want to introduce myself.
I'm Katherine Tracy, your new secretary.
Right.
New day, new secretary.
Well, maybe you can start by transcribing this interview.
Where in England are you from? Oh, I'm not from England.
I'm from Brooklyn.
Born and raised there, I was.
Brooklyn, as in the bridge? Right you are.
I'm an actress, see working on Eliza Doolittle in class.
My teacher says the best way to get comfortable with a character is to be her all day.
I'll get right to this.
Morning, slugger.
I have good news.
The network asked me to anchor the Inaugural Parade.
Jim, that's great.
What an honor.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
It's going to be me and Valerie Bertinelli.
She's really matured, don't you think? Jim, did you get your ticket to the Inaugural Ball yet? Yes, last week.
This is really strange.
I didn't get my invitation yet.
I wonder if Earl in the mailroom did something with it.
He's been distant since I refused to contribute to the "Send Earl to Graceland Fund.
" I'd check with the inauguration committee.
They may have to send you another ticket.
Hi, Murph.
How's it going? Oh, not bad.
Say, Frank did you get your ticket to the Inaugural Ball? Yeah, I did.
But I can't decide if I'm going or not.
The guys I play poker with are making their annual trek to Vegas.
- Oh, that.
- Oh, come on, it's great.
We get rooms at Caesar's Palace gamble all night, take some raw meat to the Siegfried and Roy show.
I didn't get my ticket yet.
Did you check with Earl? He hates you, you know.
Miss Brown, it's your dressmaker about your fitting for the Inaugural Ball.
Don't ask.
Frank, I need to talk to you about something.
It's personal.
Oh, Corky, can we do it another time? I'm supposed to be out on location and l You can spare five little minutes, Frank.
This is very important to me.
You got an invitation to the ball, didn't you? Well, yes, I guess so, in a manner of speaking.
- Did you or didn't you? - Yes, I did.
Well, I didn't.
I've been excluded, Frank.
It's humiliating.
You got an invitation.
I want you to take me.
- Gee, take you.
There's an interesting idea.
- Frank, I'm offering you the opportunity to escort me to the biggest social event in Washington.
What exactly is your problem? I haven't decided if I'm going or not.
And even if I am, there are other women in my life.
Like Brenda? You'd go to the ball with a woman who looks like she's got a flotation device strapped to her chest? You disgust me, Frank.
Frank, do you have a minute? I need to talk to you.
It's kind of personal.
Miles, I'm really late.
I'm supposed to be on location This is the situation.
There's somebody I've been thinking about asking to the ball.
Who is it? Jackie.
Jackie who, Miles? Jackie Collins? Jackie Bisset? Jackie Mason? - Jackie from the Art Department.
- Oh, that Jackie.
Yeah, that Jackie.
There's been an attraction kind of thing going on for a few weeks.
You know how it is.
You brush hands in the elevator, make a lot of eye contact.
Last week, she sat at my table at the commissary.
I asked her to pass me the salt.
She did.
Great.
So, what's the problem, Miles? Well, there are some differences.
- Political? - No.
- Religious? - No.
What else is there? She's taller than I am.
- So? - So Do you know what it feels like to stand next to a woman and have to look up? It's not pleasant, Frank.
Your neck is exposed.
That's a very vulnerable feeling.
In the animal kingdom, it's a sign of submission.
If it bothers you, then why ask her out? I'm bothered by being bothered about the height.
- So ask her out.
- I can't.
She's taller.
- Don't ask.
- You're not getting this.
I don't have time to get it! Frank, wait up.
I need to talk to you about something.
It's personal.
- Oh, man.
- I just spoke with the inaugural committee.
They said I'm not on the list.
- You're on the list.
You're always on the list.
- I'm not.
That's what they said.
Do you think it's a mistake, or do you think I'm not on the list? - A mistake.
- That's what I think.
How could I not be on the list? Not possible.
I'm always on the list.
Everybody knows that.
- Come on! - Call them back, Murph.
Right, I'll call them back.
Thanks, Frank.
- Do you think that if l? - Call them! Right.
Brown.
Murphy Brown.
No, not Murray.
Do I sound like a Murray to you? Let me speak to Bob Prescott.
Prescott.
He's the chairman of the inaugural committee.
How did you people ever win the election? Hold on, I'll be with you in a minute.
Hi, Bob, it's Murphy Brown.
I hate to bother you, but some bozo on your committee erased my name from the Inaugural Ball list.
I know, accidents happen.
It's okay.
Of course I'll hold.
What can I do for you, Miles? I wanted to ask your opinion about something.
It's not work-related.
Well, in a way it is.
Technically, it's more of a personal situation.
Miles, if you wanna ask Jackie out, just ask her.
- You knew? - We all know.
Don't ever tell Frank anything.
Jeez.
Ask her, Miles.
She'll probably say yes.
I just don't wanna look foolish.
It's my first Inaugural Ball.
What will people say? What would you say if you saw a tall woman with a short man? Good evening, Dr.
And Mrs.
Kissinger.
I'm just afraid she's gonna laugh.
She isn't going to laugh at you.
You've got a lot to offer.
You're bright and funny, you know all the state capitals although I wouldn't lead off with that.
Hi, Bob.
What do you mean I'm not on the list? I've been on the list since Lincoln.
Well, then, the computer's wrong.
Oh, come on, you can pull a few strings.
Okay, fine.
But next time that fat kid of yours wants to meet Maria Shriver, forget it.
Wow, this is amazing.
I can't believe it.
You must feel awful.
- Give it a rest.
- What's going on? - What's the matter? - Murphy wasn't invited to the Inaugural Ball.
I mean, I could understand if I hadn't been invited, but you.
Oh, Murphy.
I know why I'm not going.
I'm not on the A list yet.
But to have been there and fallen.
Oh, this is just too sad.
Will you knock it off? I'm telling you, this is a mistake.
Maybe not.
Could be you ruffled too many feathers.
There was your story on Iran-Contra.
Yeah, and your piece on Bush's tenure at the CIA.
Let's not forget your interview with the girl Dan Quayle paid to take to his senior prom.
I hate to say this, but it looks like the handwriting is on the wall.
Don't you worry, Murphy.
We don't need that stupid ball.
We can spend the whole evening together.
We'll eat slice-and-bake cookie dough right out of the freezer.
Then we'll watch the ball on TV and pick who we want to marry.
Ms.
Brown your dressmaker called.
She said your gown for the Inaugural Ball is ready.
What happened to Eliza Doolittle? She's dead! I'm Maggie.
Maggie the Cat.
Oh, Brick, if you hadn't broken your silly leg, we could be going to that ball.
I wanna dance! Dance with me, Big Daddy.
Now, just hold it right there, young lady.
Yes, I am young and vital and ready! And fired.
Yeah, this is Murphy Brown for Congressman Kemp.
Could you get him out of the meeting? This is important.
I need a ticket to the Inaugural Ball.
Hello? Yeah, this is Murphy Brown, I'm on hold for Senator Dole.
Okay.
So if you hear of any available tickets, you'll let me know? Yes, I know you know what it feels like.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Goodbye, President Nixon.
Oh, Miles, hi.
Jackie, hi.
You beat me here.
I hope I didn't keep you waiting.
Obviously, I kept you waiting.
Hope it wasn't long.
No, I just got here a minute ago.
Great.
Great.
So I forgot to tell you earlier, but you look great.
- I love that dress.
- Thank you.
And the shoes.
Real nice.
Although I bet low heels are a lot more comfortable than those high ones.
I never understood how women could walk in those things.
- Shall we sit down? - Okay.
Okay.
So So I guess you're wondering why I asked you to meet me.
Well, yes.
I wanted to talk to you, and I didn't feel comfortable doing it in the office.
This is harder than I thought it was gonna be.
The only thing to do is to be direct.
I'm being fired, aren't I? - What? - I can't believe this.
Everything was going so well.
I liked the people.
I liked the work.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
I'm not firing you.
I'm asking you to the Inaugural Ball.
You are? But if you don't wanna go, I understand completely.
Of course I wanna go.
Why wouldn't I? I was hoping you'd ask me out, but this is more than I expected.
Well, great.
Really great.
- Would you like to have some dinner? - No.
I mean, I can't.
You gave me that deadline on the art cards for this week's show.
- Lf I don't get back to the office: - Right.
Forgot about that one.
But call me later, okay? Better not break her heart, Miles.
Looks like she could beat the hell out of you.
Phil.
- Murphy.
- I need to ask you something.
I have no idea why you're not going to the ball.
Of course you do.
You know everything.
Now, spill it, Phil.
I can take it.
It's an enemies list.
I'm on an enemies list.
I swear, kid, I haven't heard a thing about an enemies list.
And if I haven't heard, there isn't one.
Then why wasn't I invited? Oh, God.
You don't think I'm on my way out, do you? I've seen this happen before.
First, you don't get the invitation.
Then they don't return phone calls.
Next thing you know, you're doing one of those afternoon shows with Regis Philbin.
Come on, Murphy, you're not out.
I would have heard something.
Unless I'm out too.
What am I talking about? I'm Phil.
I've gotta get to that ball.
Hey, Phil.
Hi, Murph.
Hi, Frank.
How's my best friend? My old buddy, my pal.
I can't watch this.
Look, Murph, I decided to go to the ball, but I already asked somebody.
You asked somebody? Who did you ask? Mary Hart.
Mary Hart? You invited Mary Hart to the Inaugural Ball? She's going and I'm not? Murph, I love her.
- Hi, Miles.
- Hey, Murphy.
Miles, you know, I've been thinking if you really wanna make an impression at the ball you've gotta be seen with somebody important, somebody famous.
- Me.
- Gee, Murphy I already asked Jackie, and thanks to you, she said yes.
Miles, the woman is six feet tall.
Do the words "Mutt and Jeff" mean anything to you? - This is not an attractive side of you.
- Oh, shut up.
Murphy, I have to talk to you about something.
Look, Corky.
Let's try not to be so depressed.
Okay, our pride is hurt, but it's only one night.
That's such a healthy attitude.
Let's not even watch the thing on TV.
Let's go out, do something fun.
- Maybe go bowling or - Murphy, I'm going to the ball.
- What? - Ken Dolan asked me the White House caterer.
I'll be spending a lot of the evening alone, but at least I'll get served first.
I hope you're not mad at me, Murphy.
No, I'm glad you're going.
It'll give me a chance to break into your apartment and set your clothes on fire.
Oh, Murphy, you didn't mean that.
Yes, I did.
I really did.
Sorry, kid.
Isn't life crazy? Four years ago, I was at the top.
Seated between George Schultz and Tom Selleck.
This year, I'll be watching the whole thing here with you.
Afraid not.
Phyllis and I are going to the ball.
You can't.
You've been a Democrat since Roosevelt.
I don't wanna go.
I have to.
Bush wants to thank me for that "thousand points of light" idea.
Hell, Murph, it was a joke.
I didn't think it would get him elected.
Hey, Jim, great job on the Inaugural Parade.
- Way to go, Jim.
- Thanks.
It was quite an experience.
But when that little baton-twirler lost control my whole life flashed in front of me.
I am so excited about the ball tonight.
This is going to be the most amazing evening.
You said it.
Stylish, elegant, grand.
I've been to eight and I never get tired of them.
Do you believe those Bullets? What a basketball team.
Oh, yeah, great.
Give me a little credit.
Nobody talks about the Bullets.
It's okay, guys.
I've been thinking, and I realized something.
The press shouldn't go as guests.
We're supposed to be objective.
How can we do that if we let ourselves get co-opted? I'm proud I'm not going to that ball.
And if you consider yourselves true journalists, you won't go either.
- No way.
- I'm going.
Come on, guys, I'm gonna be all alone! This is so sad.
Now I'm torn.
I'm still going, but I'm torn.
I was leading a charmed life.
I was at the top, and I didn't appreciate it.
That's why I'm being punished.
Learn from this, everyone.
Boy, this is so ironic.
You can't get a ticket, and Murray, the guy who owns the concession stand, is going.
Wait a minute.
Murray is going? Murray Brown? Yeah.
He was just closing up to go home and get ready.
Am I the only one here who notices something strange about this? Murray Brown.
Murphy Brown.
You know all that humble stuff I said before: Flush it.
Somebody get me Murray's phone number, address and a cab driver with a lead foot.
I'm back.
- Hi, Murray.
- Miss Brown.
- Please come in.
- Thank you.
I was so surprised when you called.
All these years seeing you in the lobby and suddenly you wanted to come over and visit.
And for the life of me, I couldn't imagine why.
And then Lillian, she figured it out.
She did? And you're not upset? Upset? I'm thrilled! Not only are we going to the Inaugural Ball but Murphy Brown wants to interview us.
- Listen l l - Lillian! Lillian! Come meet Murphy Brown.
I was just fixing a little something in case our guest was hungry.
Oh, Miss Brown.
Oh, what a pleasure.
I never miss you on the TV.
Oh, thank you.
But, really, you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble Trouble? Don't be silly.
I would offer you some sherry, but I read about your problem.
Lillian, please.
Murray, it's the '80s! We can talk about these things.
Mrs.
Phelan in 4D, her son is gay.
So what? Will you let the woman talk? - As you were saying, Miss Brown - Right.
Now, when you got your ticket and I assume it came to you at the office.
Absolutely.
January 2nd, at 10 a.
m.
I'll never forget it.
Didn't you think it was odd that you'd been invited? Odd? They practically had to pick me up off the floor.
We only met the man once.
- You met President Bush? - At Dulles Airport.
We were saying bye to one of our grandchildren.
Nancy.
She's a junior at Brandeis majoring in communications.
Maybe she could meet you.
And if there happens to be an opening Lillian.
Lillian, who's telling this? Anyway, he was coming home from a campaign tour.
We were trying to get out of the terminal, and the next thing I know he's shaking my hand.
Who would have thought he remembered us? Right.
Right.
He meets you for only a minute at a very crowded airport and then you, Murray Brown get an invitation to the ball an event that only the rich and powerful and television personalities like myself Murphy Brown, usually attend.
What a country this is that we could be invited to the Inaugural Ball.
Nothing like this has ever happened to us in our lives.
You know, for 20 years, I worked in that building with all those important people and I was just the guy who sold the newspapers.
And now, look at me I'm taking my wife to the Inaugural Ball.
- I'm so proud.
- Look at him.
- Isn't he handsome? - Oh, stop it.
Oh, I'm sorry, we've been doing all the talking.
What did you wanna say to us? I just wanted to say that I didn't come here to interview you.
I came here to congratulate you.
You've a very lovely couple and you really deserve to be going tonight.
Also, a word of advice: If you have a choice, take the beef.
The chicken tends to be a little dry.
Hurry up.
You're gonna miss the whole ball.
Whoa, Eldin! I know what you're thinking.
It is a crime for one man to look this good.
I haven't worn this since my cousin Stanley's wedding.
Now, the bride was checking me out so hard, the priest had to repeat the question.
And even then, she had to think about it.
- Come on, the ball's already started.
- Allow me.
Chicken a la king or linguini with clam sauce? A dilemma.
I think I'll go the linguini.
Sometimes that chicken is still frozen in the middle.
Okay, here we go.
Yep, all the usual suspects.
Nice job on the makeup.
What'd you use, a spray gun? Check this one out.
Could your dress be any tighter? You look like a knackwurst.
Do you eat with that mouth? I can't believe I wanted to go to this.
What was I thinking? I got a better idea.
Come on, I'll get your coat.
- Why? - Why? Because we look too good for this.
I know a joint that's got the best chili dogs in town and a jukebox that still takes nickels.
- All right.
Sounds like my kind of evening.
- Great.
- Let's travel.
- Great.
- After we eat, we can drive by the ball.
- Oh, will you grow up? Come on, Eldin.
We can yell out the window.
I'll lie down in back.
- They'll never know who it was.
- Listen to yourself.
Listen to yourself.
You should be embarrassed.
Okay, you're right.
It's no way for a grown woman to behave.
Hey, Eldin, have you ever mooned anyone? Jeez.