S#*! My Dad Says s01e09 Episode Script

I can't believe you watch that show.
I think is funny.
I like the orange guy.
I told you dad, that is Snooky.
He is funny.
Tim, you wanna watch these idiots on Jersey Shore? I'd love to, but I'm about to hand scrub your delicates.
So I've got my own situation.
Do you want more money? Wish for it.
Do you want love? Wish for it.
- Do you want a better job? - Wish for it.
- Who the hell is this? - I'm guessing it's life coach and best-selling author Charlotte Ann Robinson.
Hi.
I'm life coach and best-selling author Charlotte Ann Robinson.
But I could be wrong.
All this can be yours by using my wish method W-i-s-h.
Want it see it happen.
Wish! I want to see The Guidos Fight! Join me for my amazing seminar at the San Diego Airport suites hotel.
This Friday through Monday.
I guarantee your lives will be changed forever.
I wish to see you there.
- What a bunch of garbage.
- I know! Whant it.
See it.
Happen.
She dropped an "I".
It's not wish.
It's wisih.
It's stupid.
You want something, you work for it.
You don't wisih for it.
What mindless rubes would fall for such an obvious scam? Oh, my God, we just came back from the Wish seminar, and it was amazing.
Our lives were changed forever.
And all we had to do was Wish.
Well, wish and quit our jobs.
Wait what? Why did you guys quit your jobs? Because our wish is to start our own business.
Well, do you have anything else lined up? Nope.
Nothing but a wish.
I wish I'd remembered to lock the door.
- Pop, before you judge us - You are titanic idiots! I said before.
Ed, we hated working for that company.
We always wanted to sell real estate on our own.
- So before you yell at us - This is the dumbest thing you've ever done.
You are titanic idiots! I don't think he knows what before means.
You don't quit a paying job selling real estate To take an unpaying job selling real estate! You have no idea how horrible it was to work at that company.
Our boss Katie she was a monster.
What was that, uh, that terrible name she used to call you? It was, uh it was Titanic idiot.
Yes.
Yes, that was it.
Do you have idea what it's like to work for a despicable taskmaster who insults you all day long? I do! Zip it, Hazel.
I got a toilet ring with your name on it.
Look, dad, we've always wanted to start our own company.
We just never had the courage to go ahead and do it.
Charlotte's wish seminar gave us that push that we needed.
I don't wanna look back 50 years from now and say I didn't take a chance, I didn't start a business with my husband.
And now it's too late.
He's dead.
Wai ho Hold on a second.
Why am I dead? Shark attack.
It was on the news.
You let some shyster talk you into quitting your jobs? No, no, Charlotte's the real deal, and she brought me up on-stage.
It was amazing.
Changed my life forever.
The only time I've ever heard of anybody having their life changed forever on-stage Was in Tijuana.
It involved a donkey and a ziploc baggie.
That was the worst family vacation ever.
You are too cynical, Ed.
Charlotte has made millions helping people just like us.
Hey, listen, I'm all for taking advantage of weak-minded people.
That's how I got laid in the fifties, but anyone who says, "just wish for it and it'll happen," they're full of crap.
Well, we believe it, and we think we're gonna be very successful.
Every idiot thinks they're gonna be successful.
That's why they're idiots! Vince! All right, all right.
Look, dad we're not like the other idiots.
Good one, honey.
I can't believe the two of you did this.
Look, pop, we just made a pretty major life decision.
It would be nice if you were a little bit supportive.
Yeah.
Could you say something positive? Of course.
I'm positive that this supernova of garbage will explode in your face.
You titanic idiots! Why do we keep getting this guy father's day gifts? Hey.
Can I interest you in a little T&A? Excuse me? Turkey and avocado sandwich.
I'm famous for them.
Ah.
T&a.
Turkey and avocado.
Mm-hmm.
Glad you didn't ask me if I wanted a baloney and jam.
- Well, do you want one or not? - I'm good.
I'm just doing some research for this article I'm writing.
Well, what do you know? A real job.
Who'd of thought you'd be the son I'd be proud of? Well, you only got two.
I figure I got a 50-50 shot.
What's the assignment? I pitched my editor a story on Charlotte Ann Robinson, You know, that wish lady who convinced Vince and Bonnie to quit their jobs? Yeah, well, if you wanna do a story on a woman who makes wishes come true, Go to the Cactus Club in Tijuana and ask for Conchita.
That's just a story about prostitutes.
I'd read it.
Guaranteed happy ending.
Thanks, dad.
Anyway my angle on the story is how these self-help gurus tend to do really well in difficult economic times.
In my day, we didn't call them self-help gurus.
We called them snake oil salesmen.
And we would tar and feather them And run them out of town on a rail.
Then you loaded up your musket and went out to fight them indians, right, pa? That's right.
You make sure when you write that article you talk about all the crap that woman peddles.
You know, this book is pretty interesting.
I'm gonna go check out her seminar today.
I'll save ya a trip.
Here's your story.
Give people what they want, and they'll pay ya for it.
It's also Conchita's book.
Here.
Listen to this.
She says that we're constantly putting wishes out there in the universe whether we're conscious of it or not.
And ultimately, they're all gonna be answered.
Really? I'll give it a try.
Universe I wish I lived alone.
Nope.
The kid's still here.
I'll wish harder.
Universe I really, really wished I lived alone.
Oh, my! - See ya later, dad.
- Yeah.
Where's Henry going? He's going down to the seminar where Vince and Bonnie were.
Huh.
And you're gonna let him do that? Well, what the hell do I care? He's just gonna write a story.
Well, Vince and Bonnie went to see that woman, and now they have no job.
Yeah.
But Henry's got a really strong will.
- Really? - He's got a pretty strong will.
- Really? - He's got quite a strong will.
Really? Well, he's got a willy.
And I am a living example of how wishes can come true.
I used to be just like many of you lost, confused, unemployed, brunette.
And now look at me! I'm a natural blonde multimillionaire on-stage at the San Fran Diego Airport suites hotel I'm telling you that you can be just like me.
Yes, you can! Can you believe how many people actually buy into this thing? I've been to seven of these seminars.
I've been to eight of these seminars.
Okay, and now it's time to put your wishes out into the universe.
Turn to the person next to you and share a wish.
My wish is to have the self-esteem to not sleep with the first guy who gives me a compliment.
Great wish.
So smart.
So pretty.
Thank you.
I wish I had a million dollars.
I wish you had a breath mint.
Where the hell is my son? And now it's time to change someone's life right here on this stage.
Who will it be? Henry! Henry, over here! You, sir, the handsome older fisherman.
Me? Yes! Time to make your wish come true.
- Bring him on up.
- Oh, crap.
- And what's your name, sir? - My name is Ed.
And why are you here? Well, I'm looking for a 27-year-old young man.
Dark hair, good-looking, 6 feet tall.
Kind of a geek.
Well, you know what you like.
All you have to do is wish for it.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm looking for my son.
I I want to take him home.
And why would you do that? Well, because I wanna be as respectful as possible, but you and all these people gathered here are crazy losers.
No, no, no.
We welcome skeptics here.
Remember what it says in my book about doubt? Doubt is a wish turned inside out.
Cheese and crackers.
It's like night of the living morons.
Ed, I think we should have a chat.
Esteban, can we get a microphone for Ed? Gracias, Esteban.
Oh, thank you, Esteban.
So, Ed, it sounds to me like you're not a big fan of the wish.
Well, wish, wish, wishes for girls with broken hearts and boys with broken condoms.
Well, here wish is an acronym that implies an act of will and visualization.
Want it see it happen! W-i-s-h.
Wishhhhhh.
That's not wish.
That's wisih.
You slipped an "it" in there.
I'm surprised you people don't see that.
This is all a scam.
One man's scam is another man's dream.
Well, I I don't even know what that means, "one man's scam is another " Listen, if you want help, hell, I'll help you.
For free! Then please, Ed.
Go right ahead.
Really? I will.
Uh, you, sir.
You look like you're here because you wanna lose 100 pounds.
You can't wish that away.
You have to eat sensibly, buy a treadmill, work out.
Otherwise, you won't be able to see your nuts without a hand mirror.
I just wanna get rid of my eczema.
Nobody's looking at your eczema.
- What about you? - I want to be a model.
No.
Ed, give me the microphone.
Now, look at me.
Meet my gaze.
Who those two guys? No.
I want you to look at me! - What do you want? - I have a wish for you.
Hey, listen, this mind game may work on these lemmings here, but the wishing business will not work on me.
- You don't think so? - No, I don't.
I didn't wish for that.
I know.
I did.
- Oh - Mm-hmm Now do you believe in the power of the wish? No, I believe in the power of old spice and a clean fishing vest.
Listen, there's nobody here.
You can tell me the truth.
This was not my first time.
What's your question? My question is don't you feel guilty ripping these people off? But I'm not.
I make people feel happy.
But my son and his wife quit their jobs because of you.
I bet if you ask them, they'd say they're happy.
I'm so unhappy! Our careers are over.
What are we gonna do? All right.
Bonnie one of us has to be the strong one here.
Well, who's it gonna be? Once, twice, three, shoot.
- Again.
- Once, twice, three, shoot.
- Stop doing rock.
- Okay.
- Once, twice, three, shoot.
- Aw, damn it.
- That's what you get For not listening.
All right.
We're gonna be okay.
You think so? I know so.
But what if we don't make it? I don't know! All right Look at me, look at me, look at me.
You still wanna do this, right? Absolutely.
Absolutely, honey.
But it takes money to run a business.
Well we do have one asset we could sell.
My body.
No.
No, honey.
I'm talking about the house.
Honey, you wanna sell our condo? That that's all we have.
Yeah, but if we sell it then we'll have a listing, and once we have a listing, We'll have one Bonnie and Vince realty sign out there for the world to see.
You know what? You're right.
And once there's one Vince and Bonnie realty sign out there it'll lead to another.
And before you know it, there'll be dozens of Bonnie and Vince realty signs.
Vince and Bonnie Realty.
Nice ring to it.
I agree.
Bonnie and Company of San Diego.
But honey, it's gonna take a while to sell this place.
What are we gonna do for money in the meantime? Well, we could rent this place.
The rental market's great.
I bet we'll have someone within a week! You know what, Bon-Bon? You're right.
We can do this.
We can totally do this.
- I feel good about this.
- Me too! - Wait.
Where are we gonna live? - I don't know! Oh, baby.
Well, I I say you can't.
And I'm telling you I have a surefire way to tell your exact age within one month.
I've got 25¢ that says you can't.
Okay, big spender.
Oh Canada What are you doing down there? Shh! You're going to be Hold on.
I will if you will.
I'm thinking.
I'll give you 17 guesses.
You'll be 73 next September.
That's amazing.
You got all that by poking around down there? No! I saw your driver's license earlier.
I love your technique.
That's what your book should be about.
You're so cynical.
If it's such a joke, why did you chase your son down here? Well, because I didn't want him getting sucked into all this.
He's finally got his life on track, and he's making good decisions.
Okay I'm ready.
I'm at your mercy, sexy pirate.
Do what you will.
Hold on.
I'm taking off my clothes and putting on my eye patch.
Hello! Hellooo! Oh, crap.
Not again.
Let's say you're right.
Let's say Henry's wish was to move back in with me to get to know me better.
Why would Vince wish to lose his job? Maybe it wasn't his wish.
Maybe it was your wish.
Why the hell would I wish that? I don't know.
Guess you'll have to wait for the universe to tell you.
I'll tell you what my wish is.
My wish is you try to guess my age again, only faster.
Why don't you try to guess my age, Mr.
Selfish? Well, that's easy.
You're 37.
You.
That's right.
You've still got it! You.
That's right.
You let a girl take your pants again! It's that word "again" that disturbs me the most.
The next time a chick asks me to take my pants off, I'm gonna say no.
That's a good idea.
That way, everybody wins.
Come and sit down beside me.
I went to the, uh, seminar today.
I was a little worried about you.
Why would you possibly worry about me? Ask the boy with no pants.
Right, right.
I didn't want you making any rash decisions like Vince and Bonnie.
Mm.
They told you they're selling their condo.
- What? - Oh.
No.
Yeah, they're selling their condo.
They're selling their condo? Well, where are they gonna stay? They're freaking out.
They said they're gonna look at studios in El Cajon.
El Cajon! That's the anus of San Diego! They can't stay there! Well, that's what they're gonna do.
Jeez! What? I wish I could do something for them.
Ah.
A wish.
Well, here's a wish.
Put on your pants.
The kumquat brothers are making a prison break.
Wake up.
Ed! Dad! - What are you doing here? - How'd you get in? Your door was open.
Hell of a watchdog.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
Here.
These are yours.
Th these are your house keys.
I heard you need a place to stay.
Pop, it's all right.
We're gonna rent a place.
No, no, no.
You need the money.
You can stay with me.
Ed, we d we don't want to be an inconvenience.
My dear, that ship has sailed.
All right, seriously, pop.
Don't do us any favors.
Not a favor.
Trust me.
You're gonna be plenty miserable there.
But maybe you'll save some money, and hopefully, your business will get off the ground.
Mostly I'm doing it for love.
Ed, that's so - For the dog.
- Okay.
Aw, yes, sweetheart.
We'll take it.
Dad, this is huge.
Is this what you really want? No! But apparently, the universe thinks I wished for it.
Come on, Root Beer.
Come on, Root Beer.
That's a boy.
And the ball is snapped.
The quarterback fakes a throw left Look at us! We're sitting around, watching tv after dinner.
This is kind of awesome.
It's like we're a normal family.
Yeah, dad, his two grown sons, one of their wives.
A maid with balls.
Somebody call Norman Rockwell.