Night Court (1984) s01e09 Episode Script

Emerson, please.
Figure it out for yourself.
It's just an omelet.
Well, just choose any kind you like.
Pick one.
Pick one.
- Okay.
Use Velveeta.
- Good choice.
I mean, from a melting standpoint.
Emerson, I've got to go.
I'll see you later.
How is your fiancé? Helpless.
But then, most men are.
Remember you're being interviewed by that reporter from the law journal during the lunch break.
Lana, are you okay? You look kind of - Peaked? - Yeah, and mealy.
- Mealy? - Kind of gamy.
Look, I'm sick, all right? For your information, it's just a virus.
My doctor gave me a prescription, and I'll be fine.
Well, good, then take your medicine, take the night off, go home and go to bed.
- Hi, everybody.
- I cannot do you any good in bed.
No man's gonna buy that.
Don't worry about me.
I can take care of myself.
He bought it.
- Hi, Liz.
- Hi, judge.
I just need a copy of the calendar, and I'll be trotting along.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Here it is.
Did he hit you? Look, I know I look awful, but it's just a little bug.
I'm under medication, and I'll be just fine.
- We're all set out there.
- Okay.
You lost someone close.
I'm sorry.
Lana is just feeling a little under the weather tonight, Bull.
I always choose natural fabrics.
Now, a good alpaca is a lifetime investment.
Oh, I must jot that down.
- Hello, everybody.
- Hi, Selma.
- Greetings.
- Hi, Dan.
Good God.
All right.
That's it.
I've had it.
Once again, for everybody's information I am sick with a virus.
I am under a doctor's care.
No matter how I look, I am well enough to perform my duties as a clerk of this court.
Do I make myself clear? - I understand her.
- I pity her.
I touched her.
Slow down.
I feel great.
Thanks.
Whatever the medication is, it seems to be working.
I don't feel so drained anymore.
You know, I feel vigorous like I could ride my bike around the park.
You know, my doctor made me get one of those exercise bicycles.
Does it have one of those machines on it that measures your blood pressure and pulse rate? Used to, but I took it off.
- Why? - Make room for the ashtray.
All set, Your Honor.
What's it look like tonight? The guy in the dress wants another strip search.
- What a sickie.
- Yeah.
I mean, gloves with a cocktail dress? First case, Emil Dutton, Your Honor.
- Well, you're looking good.
- I know.
In case you didn't.
Call Emil Dutton.
- Bring that clown in here.
- Bull! Let's not forget that everyone that comes before this court is due a certain amount of respect.
And I will not tolerate you referring to anyone as a clown.
Unless, of course, they are, in fact, a clown.
- Explanation? - Emil Dutton, Your Honor.
Alias, Mr.
Froufrou.
Charged with gambling, disorderly conduct, inciting a riot attempted assault, attacking an officer and resisting arrest.
What, no lewd behavior? I was too drunk.
Mr.
Prosecutor? Your Honor, several witnesses, assorted photographs.
The state rests.
Any defense, Miss Williams? - Tell them what we got, baby.
- Shut up.
You're disgusting, and I'm disgusted to have to defend you.
Check me later and I'll show you why all the world loves a clown.
Your Honor, if there were a reduction my client would consider pleading guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct.
May I submit that this man is more in need of our help than our punishment.
- Is that your best shot? - Stick it, Bozo.
Your Honor, the state does not feel compelled to bargain with this fallen idol of children everywhere.
Spare me.
If the little creeps want an idol, I won't disappoint them.
Let them suck on a George Washington or lvanhoe, somebody dead.
I find your attitude a little unbelievable.
I mean, according to your file, you've been a circus clown for 15 years.
It's a job.
A job? You call delighting children, inspiring glee and tickling young fancies a job? Who the hell is that? My court clerk.
Miss Wagner as a student of decorum, I'm sure you realize that your remarks were ill-timed and highly irregular.
Why, you're right.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I mean Please forgive me! - There's something wrong with her.
- No kidding.
My roommate in law school acted like that once.
Turned out to be rabies.
- Well, what happened to him? - He died.
He started chasing sports cars, and he was run over.
I'm kidding.
He died of the rabies.
Excuse me.
I hate to break up your little party but can we get on with this? I gotta sleep.
I got a seltzer seminar in the morning.
They got a new pump on the market.
Lets you hit a man in the face at 30 feet.
What a breakthrough.
Anything for a laugh.
Lana seems to be doing better.
Let's finish this one up.
Then we'll take a break, and I'll get her to lie down.
Miss Wagner, can I have the disposition reports, please? Sure.
Here.
- She's flipped out.
- Yeah.
I'll take her to my chambers.
Arrange for another clerk.
We'll pick up after lunch.
Got it.
Listen, are you sure you can handle her by yourself? Staple fight! She's gotta reload sooner or later.
That's lunch, everybody.
The place is a circus.
That's for sure.
Great seats, though.
What's going on? Your trial has been postponed till after lunch.
What happened to my right to a speedy trial? Dutton, if you're inconvenienced, I'm glad.
You have defiled the image of what a clown is supposed to be.
A symbol of childish innocence, simple spirit, ingenuous fun.
Is that what you had in mind? - Well, what is it? - I'm gonna call your doctor.
You are sick.
Sick? I'm feeling wonderful.
I'm having wonderful feelings.
"Barefoot in the park" feelings, "soaring on a swing" feelings "first time in my life" feelings.
That's sick.
- You're sweet, you know that? - Yeah, I know that.
- You're a humanist.
- Okay, I'm a sweet humanist.
- Let's call somebody.
- Like my fiancé, Emerson.
- Good choice.
- No, I'm too happy.
Happiness just worries Emerson.
It's only temporary.
He's gonna understand.
Oh, of course he'll understand.
Emerson understands everything.
Emerson understands computers, foreign policy the international money market.
He's not like you.
No, I took a beating in pesos.
Just kidding.
That's what's so great about you, you know.
You can kid.
You can joke.
You understand people.
Their wants, their needs their desires.
Well, how about that Middle East situation, huh? No.
Let me guess.
This isn't what it appears to be.
Oh, yes, it is! Yes, doctor, she took them about an hour ago.
Bizarre behavior? That would not be too strong a term, no.
Right.
Right.
Yeah, of course.
We will not let her operate any heavy machinery.
Right.
Okay.
All right, thank you, doctor.
Goodbye.
- Was it the medication? - Well, apparently so.
According to the doctor, in certain individuals it causes "insomnia, drowsiness, restlessness euphoria, depression or a change of libido.
" - What does it cure? - Apparently the fear of imitating an ape.
I can see the Chrysler Building from here.
Eventually, you're gonna be - Hello? - Company! Hi.
I'm looking for Judge Harold T.
Stone.
- I'm Judge Stone.
- Hi.
Steven Bostwick from the law review.
Stevie! Hi! Lana Wagner! Talked to you on the phone, remember.
Look, if I'm interrupting something, perhaps I could No, no, don't be silly.
We're just doing a little redecorating.
Let's get your opinion.
Don't you think she'd look better over the desk? - I beg your pardon.
- You're gonna have to excuse us.
We have a small medical problem on our hands.
Somebody sick? - Where do you want it? - Anywhere, please.
Lana, why don't you and I go get a cup of coffee and let the judge do his interview.
- No.
He said I could stay.
I deserve it.
I booked the appointment.
I rearranged the court schedule.
I brought in the soft drinks.
Orange or grape, Bostwick? - Lana.
- Well, what is it? Okay, you can stay.
The doctor said to keep her quiet for a couple of hours and it would wear off.
- You can all go to lunch.
We'll be okay.
- Lf you're sure.
Come on.
Harry knows best.
- Take care.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Shall we all have a seat? If this isn't a good time, I'd be more than happy to reschedule it.
He said, sit down! Miss Wagner, if you are going to stay, you have to sit there quietly and just sit there quietly.
That's what Emerson wants.
- Emerson? - Her fiancé.
"Sit there quietly.
" It's hard to sit quietly.
I mean, statistics show that right now I'm at my sexual peak.
- We're off the record here.
- You know I think that we all need a little adventure every now and then, don't you think so? Well, we're having one now, aren't we? You know, sometimes Emerson is very cooperative.
- Maybe I should - No, no.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
Emerson has his good points, you know.
He's practical.
He's dependable.
He's safe.
Emerson's a Volvo.
Perhaps this is something you should be talking to Emerson about.
I can't talk to Emerson, not after what you did to me.
- I didn't do anything to you.
- You kissed me.
- No, you kissed me.
- Sure, after you practically begged for it.
Lana, because of your condition, I am trying my best not to lose my temper.
- Well, what are we gonna do about it? - Do about what? - This thing that's happening.
- No thing is happening! You used me! Lana! A little afternoon delight with the help and then forget it, eh, Harry? Listen, I'm very sorry.
Why apologize to him? You should apologize to me.
I mean, I'm the one that got hurt.
You never liked me! - I like you, Lana! - Oh, you never did! I was just office equipment.
- I hate men! - Me too.
- Hi, Selma.
Nice suit.
- Thanks.
"Don't move to New York," my mother said.
"It's full of heartbreakers and degenerates.
" I haven't worn underwear since the late '60s.
I bet your lungs are disgusting too.
- Lana, hold up.
- Hey.
She threw my cigarette on the floor.
Probably one of these.
- I respected you, Harry Stone.
- I respect you too, Lana.
You would've been a good father.
I know I would've been a good mother.
I want children, lots of them.
My doctor says that I'm built to have children.
I envy you.
Get a shave.
Lana, please hold up.
I've got to talk to you.
Dacron, lightweight, easy care, good choice.
Thanks.
- Lana.
- I'll have to call you back.
Lana, stop.
Stop right there.
Now, listen to me.
Listen.
I know you don't understand this, but you're sick.
What happened back in the office between you and me was an illusion.
It was a drug-induced episode.
Someday we're gonna look back on it and we're gonna laugh.
Oh, look, it's Lana.
Lana.
Don't worry.
Harry's here.
Lana, please, talk to me! Here.
I'll give you a sandwich.
See, I told you it'd be fine.
You hurt me, and you try and bribe me with a sandwich? Hey, it could have worked.
Lana Did a really bad singer come by here? Bull, Lana! You're right.
Good work.
- Life is a cruel joke! - Tell me about it.
Thanks.
I was on the dean's list in college, and, of course, I edited the poetry magazine.
- Lana.
- And - Yes? - Are you all right? Well, yes, considering my emotional state, I'm I'm very Very Harry, how could you? Wonderful.
- I'm very sorry, Mr.
Bostwick.
- That's okay.
I understand.
- No, you don't.
- No, I don't.
Lana, darling, I know this is tough for you to understand but you have got to try.
You have had a very powerful reaction to a medication and everything just isn't what it seems to be right now.
Your emotions are heightened, and your sensitivities are heightened and your You're out like a light, aren't you? Have you ever seen anyone sleep like that? Not without candles at both ends.
I was just resting my eyes.
For five hours? - Oh, my God.
- She sounds better.
The guilt is coming back into her cheeks.
- Court? - Oh, it was over long ago, honey.
- Can we get you anything? - Over the counter.
No.
No, thank you.
You're all so nice to be concerned after what I must have done.
Don't worry about it, kid.
You're still young.
Big embarrassments are still ahead.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night, Selma.
- I'm going too.
Take care, Lana.
- Bye, Bull.
- Well, if my services aren't needed - Yeah, I guess I'll be running along too.
- Take care, honey.
- Thank you.
Thanks for everything.
Let's go ask Bull if he'll walk us down to the garage.
You must be furious.
- Forget it.
I'm just glad you're okay.
Seems like the cure was worse than the disease in this case, huh.
I - I meant how I embarrassed you before.
- No.
Bostwick understood all that.
- No, I meant before that.
- What you did in the court? No.
I meant after that.
The lip lock.
Was it that ridiculous? - No.
- Of course you know it was just the drugs.
Well, of course.
But there are those who say that drugs simply do away with one's inhibitions.
Meaning? Meaning that sometimes we act crazy and we do impulsive things because somewhere underneath we want to act crazy and do impulsive things.
- Are you implying I wanted to kiss you? - Oh, no, no.
Course not.
Well, good, because I would never imply that you enjoyed being kissed.
No matter what I'm pretty sure I felt coming back from you when it was happening.
Then we're even.
Right.
It's sort of funny thinking about you and me.
Yeah.
- That's funny.
- What's so funny about it? Well, Lana, if you weren't engaged, maybe Maybe Gil Hodges.
- What? - I was trying all day to think of the name of the guy who played first base for the Dodgers in '52.
Gil Hodges.
Well, you're busy, so I guess I better be going.
Lana, are you okay? Perfectly fine, thank you.
See you tomorrow? - I got nothing better to do.
- Great.
Well good night.
- Good night.
Lana? Yes? Good night.
Good night.
Harry? Are you all right? Well, I just wanted to say that Oh, well, never mind.
It's not important.
Well, see you tomorrow.
Are you sure you're all right? Good night.