No Tomorrow (2016) s01e09 Episode Script
No Truer Words
1 - Previously on No Tomorrow - Tyra DeNeil Fields is the most popular astrophysicist in the world.
And she's just the sort of person who could not only validate my theory, but alert the general public.
Can you toss this for me, please? CyberHugs does not yet have an animal rescue branch.
And I think someone with your experience should help us launch it.
My brother's trotting out his new fiancée.
This is Sofia.
It's a green card marriage.
I'm into you.
Sofia LetÃcia Fernandes.
Will you marry me? If you are with them, you are, by definition, against me.
You are therefore no longer my boyfriend.
MAN: What is your name? Stanley J.
Turkleton.
Lie.
What is your name? Harvey Stevens.
Sioux City, Iowa.
Lie.
What is your name? (Exhales) Hamish Stegner.
You did it! (Laughs) - All you got to do is, uh - think about something calm, like, um like light rain, or the infinite size of the universe, and your tiny little miniscule part in it.
Okay, got it.
What's your name? - Martha Waterbottom.
- Lie.
Where do you live? Buckingham Palace.
- Lie.
- Balls.
Why don't I ask the question, maybe it'll keep you more calm.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Um, do you like my new haircut? - Yes.
- Lie.
Evie.
(Exhales) Ugh.
Uh, do, uh, do you like, um, my French toast? - Yes.
- Lie.
Evie, come You ate four pieces of that yesterday.
You said it gave you a yumgasm.
Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
- Do you like any of my cooking? - Yes.
- Lie.
- (Gasps) You make good microwave popcorn.
- Lie.
- Reggie, you're killing me.
You're Okay.
Something else.
Um All right.
Do I satisfy you sexually? Yes.
Is there something that you want to do that we haven't tried yet? No.
Lie.
(Whispering indistinctly) Do you want to try that right now? Yes.
That is true.
Reggie, you're dismissed.
Right.
Screw the lie detector test.
I got to cross - a way better item off my lyst.
- I admitted something very personal to Xavier, and it paid off.
Three times.
Wake me when you do something that requires a safeword.
Oh! And this morning at the coffee shop, I got too much change back, so I told the barista and she gave me a free scone! - An honesty scone.
- (Groans) - You're like a human hangover.
- The universe rewards honesty.
And I'm gonna keep the rewards coming.
Hank's taking over for me in quality control, and I'm gonna give him the cold, hard truth about that job.
In the form of a color-coded, - fully comprehensive binder.
- Okay, can you keep this honesty mission to yourself? Some people are very content to live in a world of lies.
Radical honesty is very liberating.
Maybe you can apply it to that situation - with your with your brother? - Shh.
Oh! Hey, Rohan! Who needs a little happy sippy? Yay! So much joy.
- (Exhales) - Okay.
What's happening? (Closes drawer) Yeah.
He's not handling the breakup with Sofia well at all.
I told him he could come here and raid my mini-bottle stash.
You have to tell him you're engaged to his ex-fiancée.
Wha I'm going to, but first - I have to get him through the stages.
- Wh-what? With every breakup, he goes through five very specific stages of grief.
Stage one day drinking.
Two despondency over trivial things.
Three excessive self-love.
Four TRH: Totally Random Hookup.
And finally five obsession with physical fitness.
Once he gets through all of those, he'll be over her, and I can tell him the truth about everything, and not ruin our relationship.
Is that a llama? - (Whinnies) - FERN: An alpaca, actually.
You know, like the blankets? - It's animal therapy.
- (Laughs) It's part of a company-wide initiative to improve work conditions post-strike.
Yeah.
All this week, an animal therapy training center supported by CyberHugs is going to bring in their animals during lunch hour.
What do you think? Honestly I think it's fantastic.
Just be careful when you go over there.
I almost ruined my 'Gamos stepping in some alpaca caca.
Yeah, they are heavy defecators.
That's good to know.
I got to get back to work, but, um, enjoy therapy.
Wow.
This is quite the line.
Oh.
Yeah.
Sorry for the wait.
We only have the one alpaca today.
We hate to split up Brad and Angelina but it was inevitable.
We couldn't afford the double-wide.
Oh.
Didn't CyberHugs give you a sizable donation recently? Oh, yeah.
But that five percent processing fee really takes a chunk out of it.
Well, since when do we charge a processing fee? I don't know.
I mean, I'd be thrilled if it was a mistake.
We really could use a bigger trailer.
And the staff could use new boots.
(Whispers): Alpacas are heavy defecators.
Yeah.
I've heard that.
You know what? Let me get your name and contact info, and I'll look into the fee and then follow up.
Uh, my name and number is Sabrina - Mm-hmm - and it's 206.
Oh, gosh, what is the freaking hold up? (Whispering): I loved her.
And then she left, and you're my only friend.
I loved her so much.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Stage one complete.
Move this way.
Okay.
Don't judge.
We all cope with heartbreak in different ways.
Hey.
You doing okay? She's wearing purple.
That's my favorite color.
It's just mean.
Maybe you should pet the therapy alpaca.
I just don't get it.
I mean, we had this heat.
This flaming heat.
Then it fizzles out because of some work issue? Like, flames don't fizzle.
That's not how flames work.
Maybe it was just a fling.
It - definitely wasn't a fling - Yeah? Well, how would you know? Okay.
The truth is really working for me today, so I'm gonna lay some on you.
When Xavier nearly got me fired, the only way Deirdre would rehire me was if I helped her win your affections.
I was the subject of a conspiracy? She called it Operation Hanky Panky.
(Gasps) It had a codename? See? It wasn't a fling.
And if you want to be with her, tell her exactly how you feel.
You're right.
You're so friggin' right.
(Grunts) That a boy.
Go get that honesty scone.
Yeah.
Gonna get that scone! - Is that a sex thing? - Never mind.
- 'Cause I'm open to new ideas.
- No.
It's not a sex thing.
- It sounds like a sex thing.
- It's not a sex thing.
Okay, 'cause it is now.
- Hey! - Hey.
- What are you doing? - I am ordering supplies.
How cute is Cyber Marty? - What? - Cyber Marty.
He's our upselling tool.
You know, before you finalize your order, he suggests other items to buy based on your purchase.
- Oh, yeah.
- And the people who frequently order what Marty recommends are Cybermart's most valued customers.
- We call them The Suggestibles.
- Oh! (Laughing): He wants you to buy an electric can opener, because you bought a case of creamed corn? Yeah.
Well, I'm just getting provisions in case I need to hole up for a few days.
Well, why would you need to hole up? Because, according to my calculations, Tyra DeNeil Fields will be publishing her peer review of my theory in the next couple of days.
Why do you say that? Well, I figure she's had my research for a month.
It took me two weeks to double-check the math, but with her I.
Q.
, she could probably do that in half the time.
However, she had a two week conference in Toledo and a lecture to prepare for in Boston.
Add six days assuming she doesn't work weekends and a two day grace period, and the logical conclusion is that she's gonna go public in the next 48 hours.
And I do not want to be around during the ensuing chaos.
Oh, gosh.
Honesty scone.
- What? - I have to tell you something.
All right.
Tyra never read your theory.
The day you gave your research to her, she threw it away.
Wait, what? Well, I went back to grab my purse and I saw - her toss it.
- Right after I gave it to her? Yes.
A month ago? Yes.
Wait, you've been holding onto this for a month? - I'm sorry - Evie, that's a month I'm never gonna get back.
That's one of the only six we've got left! - Xavier - That's a month that countless people have wasted their lives, 'cause they don't know the world is ending.
Evie, time is the only thing that matters and You just stole a bloody month from me.
- Well, I just thought - No.
There's nothing you can say to make this better.
She stole from me.
I mean - Eh - No.
She stole from me.
A month, a whole month.
And it was one of the long ones.
She can't just give it back.
I know.
That's why I'm so upset.
Well, do something about it.
Graffiti a billboard or-or get on a talk show.
Actually, I tried that one sort of.
When we get back, we're gonna talk to my man Xavier about a big-ass asteroid.
How many people actually watch this show? Oh, like, easily in the dozens.
I can't believe Evie lied to me.
I didn't lie.
I just didn't tell him.
Like how you haven't told Rohan you're involved with Sofia.
Deflection.
Classic liar behavior.
I haven't told Rohan yet because I want to minimize the pain it causes when I do.
Yeah, and I didn't tell Xavier because I knew it would hurt him.
I wouldn't have been hurt.
I just would've found another way to get the message out.
Ah, yeah, I'm sure she'd love that.
Who wouldn't want to date the Grim Reaper? Oh.
That's why she didn't tell me the truth.
When I thought I'd passed off the responsibility of publicizing the asteroid to Tyra, I guess I didn't talk about it as much.
He stopped going on about her all the time.
And it was kind of nice to get a break from all that doom and gloom.
- Bring it home.
- But it was super selfish of me to try to stifle his message for my own comfort.
I have to make it up to him.
Okay, well, who else can get his message out? (Knocking) Evie.
- Oh.
Ah.
- Fern! I was just looking for Timothy.
- So sorry.
It's not a good time.
- No, no, I'm-I'm sorry, I don't normally answer another person's door naked.
I thought you were the Thai food delivery guy.
I-I can come back.
No, no, no, no.
Peanut? Um Evie's here.
Evie Uh, you know Fern.
- (Nervous chuckle) - And Fern, of course, you know Evie.
And I know both of you, so FERN: And I am going to go find my clothes.
If I can find them - 'cause they came off in a hurry.
- (Both chuckle) Okay.
I'm sorry.
I know you wanted to take a friendship breather, I just, I didn't know who else to go to.
No, i-it's totally fine, what's up? I screwed up big time with Xavier.
And I kind of need your help.
So you want me to help Xavier? Well, if it makes a difference, you're actually helping me help him.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um, so, Xavier has this theory.
Kind of like a Jade Helm thing like Hank? Well, this is actually a very well-researched scientific theory that maybe you could put a public voice to, or introduce him to someone who could.
Look, I-I know it's-it's super awkward for me to ask my ex-boyfriend to help my current boyfriend.
Then again, my ex-boyfriend moved on with my ex-best friend, so it's all kind of just, you know Sure.
And you and Xavier have bonded a bit, right? - Yeah, yeah, we're-we're cool.
- Yeah.
So maybe it's not too weird.
(Stammers) Sure.
Yeah, I'll-I'll hear him out.
Thank you.
HANK: There's still something here and we both know it.
Okay, still something here.
We can both feel it.
It's between us.
We know it and we feel it.
Here we go.
(Exhales) Hey! (Clears throat) (Voice cracking): Okay, we have a thing.
We got a Yeah.
Yeah.
We have a thing, okay? It's between me, you.
We got a thing.
Let's do the thing.
That was complete nonsense.
Okay, I have real feelings for you.
- I'm not ready for this to be over.
- Hank, allow me to be violently clear.
I do not wish to be involved with you any longer, as our toxic chemistry perverted my priorities.
I need to focus on my career and my responsibilities, and shirk any romantic entanglements.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting.
Pardon me, pal.
Awfully tight in here.
(Gasps) Oh! Hi, I'm Evie.
I work for CyberHugs.
- Are you new? - No, I'm not new, I'm swamped.
Department downsized by 75% in Q1 of 2016.
What's the action item? Okay, well, there's some mysterious fee getting deducted from every CyberHugs account.
No mystery.
CyberHugs accounts are all deducted 5%.
Paid out to Rosie Baxter & Associates.
It's not unusual for legal firms to charge for handling a charity's contracts and payroll.
Well, maybe I can talk them into a flat fee instead.
Can I get the contact info? You cost the company $10.
53 in overtime by interrupting me.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- $11.
06.
Yeah, I'll just see my way.
Out of your hole.
- Okay.
- $11.
72.
$12.
14.
AUTOMATED VOICE: We can't take your call right now, please leave a message.
Seems informal for a law firm.
You're talking to yourself again.
Code Purple.
Code Purple.
Huddle up, we got a Deirdre situation! (Panting) Okay, so, there's this this guy, and then, he came in with f (Sniffs) Oh.
Hey.
Here And then, he Okay.
(Kisses) - I think I got that last part.
- Use your words.
There was a guy in Deirdre's office, and he gave her flowers and then he kissed her on the cheek! (Whispering): That's my cheek! I kiss that cheek! That's my cheek! She told me no more romantic entanglements.
It's all about work.
So I hacked her calendar, and I found out she has an appointment at 7:30.
Tonight.
In blue.
- BOTH: What does that mean? - Work appointments are in Cybermart green, and personal appointments are in blue.
It's a blue! It's a personal! She's going on a date.
What do I do? - I think you have to kill him.
- Yes, that is good.
- How? - What? Wait, no, that's bad.
I can't, I can't do that.
You know she's gonna see him tonight, just get in there and do some date sabotage.
"Date sabotage.
" Trust me, I'm very good at destroying relationships.
ROHAN (crying): The vending machine is out of nacho chips.
- (Kareema sighs, bell dings) - (Sniffles) I did that to him.
Parking lot at 1900 hours.
We'll tail Deirdre when she leaves work.
Evie! - What? - Are you in? No, sorry, I have too many fires to put out.
Oh! And there you have it.
A rather graphic illustration of what awaits us and why it's critically important that we make sure that it's publicized.
What do you think? An asteroid making contact as a direct result of global warming? Clickability alone is But also bringing awareness to an ecological crisis.
Oh, there's a big story here.
2522 South Park.
Okay, Rosie Baxter & Associates, where are you? Three (Line ringing) KAREEMA: I'm not here right now.
Please leave a message.
Ha-ha.
Not falling for that again.
Hey, get this.
Remember that legal firm, Rosie Baxter? I think it's a shell and someone is swindling CyberHugs.
- Oh, yeah - Yeah, the address they provided is for a male strip club called Corndogs.
You know, I think that bizarro accountant is greasing his own palms.
Riveting stuff, Encyclopedia Blonde, but I'm in the middle of a date sabotage, so Okay, get off the phone.
We got to move.
Falcon out! (Crickets chirping) (Muttering indistinctly) WOMAN: All right, everyone.
Since we'll be seeing a lot of ballroom styles at the competition tomorrow, we're going to learn something a little different tonight.
It's called a Regency dance.
- Okay.
- Stand across from your partner.
- What? No - Put your right hand up.
(Whispering): Where are you going? I'm going undercover to do some date sabotage.
KAREEMA: But we don't have disguises.
Oh! We've been spotted.
KAREEMA: Yeah, because we don't have disguises.
- Okay, just act natural.
- Come in! Come in.
We don't bite.
I do.
At-at dancing.
That's why we're all here.
To learn dancing.
- Take it down a notch.
- Okay.
I mean, we'll have to-to vet the math, which could take some time, but, uh No one cares about the math, bro.
No? "Bro"? The math isn't your story.
This Xavier guy is.
"An Astronomical Delusion.
Inside the Mind of a Doomsday Tripper.
" - You get it.
- Ah Make it punchy, make it splashy.
S-S uh, so you just you just want a-a hit piece? Wh-What if his theory actually checks out? (Chuckles) Come on, bro.
The Mayans, Nostradamus, the Book of Revelations, Y2K.
When's the last time an apocalypse theory was right? Well, I mean, we're all still here.
So, uh, never.
That's not your story.
Xavier is.
- Here's the plan, - Okay, everyone I'm gonna test the waters with Deirdre.
You seduce the cowboy.
KAREEMA: Consider it done.
- Gentlemen over there.
- Okay, yes.
Gentleman on the other.
All right.
Very good.
(Indistinct chatter) And music.
(Regency music playing) KAREEMA: You certainly are light on your feet there, Tex.
Thank you, little lady.
Much obliged.
Did you follow me here? I thought you said you were done with romance.
Who's the cowboy? My dance partner.
MAN: I, uh, saw you earlier at Didi's workplace, didn't I? (Muttering gibberish) Did you? KAREEMA: You know, all this antiquated, sexually repressed dancing's really getting my motor revving.
My, you got more ten-dollar words than my Aunt Ruthie.
HANK: Dance partners don't usually kiss each other.
We have history.
What say you ditch your date and we go back to my place and test out those hog-tying skills.
Well, with all due respect, ma'am, uh, I think I'm gonna leave with the lady I came in with.
My wife's got me bit like a rattlesnake.
He called Deirdre his wife.
What the what? Deirdre's your wife? Uh, well, uh, if we're splitting hairs about it, she's my ex-wife.
Uh, the name is Re-Pete.
That's a nickname that Didi gave me on account of my name's Pete and she married me twice.
So I get dismissed after one disagreement, but this guy gets to marry you twice? It's complicated.
It's simple.
See, she, uh, takes a shine to me when we win these dance competitions.
We've won twice and she married twice.
She's the one that got away.
Twice.
I reckon you're a little sweet on my lady friend, friend.
Well, I reckon you need to get back to your cow patch, cowboy! Oh, I'm not going anywhere.
In fact, you might want to start calling me Three-Pete, 'cause, uh, we're gonna win that dance competition and Didi will be mine again.
Again.
(Stammering) We need to enter this dance-off.
We need to win! Oh, for Pete's sake.
EVIE: Fern? Hey, um, you know Anthony, the accountant? His office just looks like a big stack of boxes from the outside? You know (Imitating Anthony): "What's the action item" Oh, yeah.
(Imitating Anthony): "You just cost this company $1.
50.
" Yeah, that guy.
Well, I think he's (Cat meows) Oh, is that one of the therapy animals? No, Best Pals rescue.
(Grunts) Baxter.
He was rescued from a hurricane in Vanuatu.
Like Rosie.
Baxter.
Paid out to Rosie Baxter and Associates.
- (Cash register dings) - - (Cash register dings) - - (Cash register dings) - - (Cash register dings) - - (Cash register dings) - EVIE: It's you.
You're embezzling from CyberHugs.
Fernburglar.
Evie, "embezzling" is such a strong word.
Embezzling.
See? You're not denying it.
Look, money talks.
When I first started, I couldn't get anyone to listen to me.
Excuse me, ma'am, do you have three minutes to talk about black-footed ferrets? They're dying every day! But once I got some designer clothes and a fresh blow-out, people actually wanted to hear what I have to say.
Presentation matters.
It's a superficial world.
You should know that.
What, me? Being a "volleyball Barbie" got you into a different social circle.
It's how the game is played.
Well, you're playing it illegally.
That's a bit reductive.
Last year, I brought in $200,000 in donations to Best Pals.
What I do for this charity is essential.
Think about how it will affect the animals if you turn me in.
I'm not gonna turn you in.
Good.
I'm not gonna turn you in, because you're gonna do the right thing.
And I'm gonna do the kind thing the friend thing and give you time to make it right.
Give the money back by tomorrow or I go to Deirdre.
(Door closes) See, they all have some sort of big Dirty Dancing "wow" moment at the end.
I've never seen that movie.
Dirty Dancing? - Mm.
- Are you dead? Inside, yes.
And I like it that way.
My point is, is that we need some sort of lift or flourish to really give the judges that "wow".
Ooh, ooh, see.
(Stammers) Like this.
We can probably pull that one off.
Oh, that reminds me, I think Rohan's moved on to Stage 3.
(Whistling) - ROHARO (grunting): Come on.
- (Blowing) Oh, yes! Two more stages and I can break the news to him.
Ooh, see.
Ooh, ooh, look.
See that? (Scoffs) That's easy.
- We got this.
- We got that.
(Hank grunts) What? That's that's good! Thank you again for hearing Xavier out.
Yeah, that's that's why I wanted to meet, actually.
So, my editor wants to play a different angle on the story.
What kind of angle? Oh, you know, she really wants to hit the whole unhinged conspiracy theorist angle.
"Unhinged"? Stories sometimes shift.
But that's not a shift, that's an attack.
You-you can't write it.
Well, I can't just abandon it.
I've got real momentum right now.
Oh, my God.
You want to write the story.
- What? - Because you're jealous.
Seriously? You really think I'm that petty? Well, you can't wait to smear my boyfriend.
Honestly, I couldn't dig up enough on Xavier to do that if I wanted to.
There's nothing out there on him.
How well do you really know the guy? Well, how well do you know Fern? What does she have to do with it? Never mind.
No.
Now you're being petty.
You know what, you want to service your career and hurt me in the process, then I guess I just I don't know you as well as I thought I did.
Well, if you want to accuse me of being someone that would do something that would make me someone who you didn't think I was, you know, then maybe I don't know you that well, either.
Huh? N-Nothing.
I'm mad.
Good-bye.
I'm sorry.
I I wanted to make it up to you and I thought Timothy would help.
But he's just making it a hatchet job.
Well, that's all right.
Some people might read the article and think I'm crazy, but other people might be intrigued enough to investigate.
People can be very suggestible.
What? "Suggestible.
" I know how to get your message out.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you looking at? Stage 4.
Oh, gosh, Rohan.
Is that Peggy? Yes.
I need a favor.
You've come to the right place.
I've been putting out fires everywhere.
Most recently, the one in Peggy's loins.
I need access to The Suggestibles.
(Gasps) I thought you'd never ask.
- Come, come.
- Okay.
(Whirring) Is this legal? Well, they all clicked the little box approving third party spamming, so, yeah, it's it's totally legal.
Sad face.
I e-mail blasted them all suggesting they attend an "inspirational event" today that promises to "change their lives.
" Perfect.
We'll bring the masses to us.
Okay.
Get your globes and kerosene.
Uh no, I absolutely won't be doing that.
What? Why not? People deserve the truth.
- You've always said that.
- Yeah, but look what happened when I set fire to a globe with Timothy.
The takeaway was "unhinged conspiracy guy.
" And look at you.
You didn't tell me Tyra tossed my research, because you liked that I was backing off the whole "end is nigh" talk, didn't you? Yeah, it's, it's a lot to take.
And I get it, which is why I'm not gonna tell a bunch of strangers they're gonna be obliterated by a fiery ball of iron and silicate.
'Cause this whole thing isn't about doom and gloom.
It's about embracing life.
So, I'll tell them the truth.
I'm just gonna soften the blow with two little words.
TIMOTHY: What if I tried a reverse phone look-up? Hey, Peanut, I need to ask you something important.
Mm-hmm.
Theoretically if I had been dishonest, but I made up for it and did the right thing, would you still want to be with me? I-I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
I was just researching Evie's boyfriend.
It's a long story, but it's taken a bit of a disturbing turn.
You're probably never gonna get over her, are you? Yeah, it's really interesting.
'Cause I (Keyboard keys clicking rapidly) Academic journals.
Does he have a PhD? What was his dissertation? (Hitting keys loudly) Academic records.
Hey, do you know if student records are always sealed? Fernie? (Music ends) KAREEMA: I can't believe I'm wearing fringe.
What even is my life right now? - You think we're gonna win? - No.
- Do you? - Hell, yes! WOMAN: Contestants 109 are up next.
Oh, I can't even taste the vodka in this.
- Oh, let's go.
- Okay.
(Sighing) (Astaire-Rogers-style song plays) (Song ends) Yeah! We got a nine! Yes! We got a nine! Yeah, yeah.
It's out of 30.
- What? - Okay, let's Contestants 137, you're up.
Oh.
(Lively piano music plays) Showtime! Dear one The world Is waiting For the sunrise HANK: Here comes the Three-Pete.
And every rose I'm done for.
Is covered with dew - I have an idea.
- The thrush on high Kareema, where you going? Dear one - The world - (Explosion, music stops) (Sighs) Is waiting for the sunrise BOTH: Every little rosebud Oh, damn! Kareema, you made it even more romantic.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- I'm calling You.
(Applause) Thank you.
I don't even need to wait for our score.
With you by my side, I'm always winning.
Didi, you delicious glass of sweet tea will you make me the happiest man in the world for the third time, and re-marry me again? (Deirdre giggling) I accept your proposition.
(Laughter, applause) XAVIER: What if I told you the world was ending? What if I said that an asteroid was headed directly for Earth in six months time? What would you change about your lives? I know it sounds like a bizarre hypothetical, but what if what if it were true? What if you gave yourself permission to seize the day? What might your life look like? I would implore you to embrace that "what if.
" What are your wildest dreams? What are your deepest fears that you that you wish you could overcome? Be honest with yourself about what it is that you would change about your life.
When you have your "what if," grab a piece of chalk and write it down.
You're making a promise to yourself that you're gonna do it.
So go on, grab a piece of chalk.
What would you do if you only had six months left? There we go.
Well done, mate.
Somehow, some way, some day Somehow, some way, some day - Somehow, some way, some day - - Somehow, some way, some day - - Somehow, some way, some day - Somehow, some way, some day Somehow, some way, some day Somehow, some way, some day Somehow, some way, some day.
- "Tell my parents that I'm gay.
" - "Punch someone in the face" "Lick an hallucinogenic toad.
" - I didn't see that one.
- No? It was right there in, like, orange caps.
Oh.
You know, you were right to soften the truth for those people, but for us, from now on, let's just say complete and brutal honesty is our relationship policy.
Right.
I agree.
Full-time honesty scones.
Okay, here goes, I cheated on a second grade spelling test - and never told anyone about it.
- (Gasps) Scandalous! Well, what was the word? - Irreconcilable.
- "Irreconcilable"? Well, that's far too hard for second grade.
But I appreciate you sharing your shame with me.
Mm.
What about you? Any burning confessions to make? What, you mean, apart from my Gene Kelly fantasy? Oh, oh, oh! Whoa.
Bus station in the evening Bags around my knees Phone's ringin' at the end of the line And I'm finding it hard to breathe Left home with a dream The future at my feet If they could only see me standing Stranded in the pouring street You know I believe you now Couldn't leave you now I had a dream in this town But I'm leavin' now.
Where you headed? Uh, to find Fernberger.
Why? - Ah, stage 5.
- Uh-huh.
I got Rohan a Zap Strap.
Grief process complete.
I'm home-free.
I can come clean about Sofia without crushing him.
I'm glad.
For both of you.
- Yeah.
- Good luck.
Oh, hey, if you're heading to Fernburger, will you get me one of those doubles with facon and vegan cheese? No, it's a different different Fernberger.
Oh, and some radish fries.
Different Fernberger! FERN: Evie, you were right.
What I did was wrong, and I dressed it up as nobility.
If I were a stronger person, maybe I could stay and make it right.
But the truth is, I'm not ready to accept the consequences of my actions, and by the time you get this, I will be halfway to Uruguay to get back in touch with what I love saving kittens from floods.
Best, Fern.
P.
S.
Enjoy the alpaca scarf.
Don't worry, I used my own money.
DEIRDRE: She really pulled the wool over our eyes.
There are missing funds that we cannot account for.
And there is an accountant that we cannot account for.
He seems to have quit, too.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
And without Fern's skilled money-raising efforts, the program may be in jeopardy.
You are now manning a sinking ship.
Good luck.
You lied to me.
Said you only had room for work in your life.
So what's the truth? You just don't have feelings for me? We had powerful chemistry.
But during the strike, you didn't stand by me, and that hurt my my feelings more than I expected.
If I continued down a road with you into emotional territory, then it would be exponentially more painful if you rejected me.
So the possibility of rejection made you reject me? I exercise risk management in all aspects of life.
I think that's the stupidest thing you've ever said.
I appreciate your honesty, Hank.
Ooh Ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh.
EVIE: I'm so sorry about Fern.
Sounds like she wasn't who we thought she was.
No.
And you deserve better.
So do you.
Uh, which is why I wanted you to see this.
I won't publish this without your consent.
What are you talking about? I-I never intended to make Xavier look crazy.
I went looking for his credentials to legitimize him, but Uh, just read it.
He's not who he says he is.
His name isn't even Xavier Holliday.
Hamish Stegner.
Oh, my God.
Hey.
Who the hell are you?
And she's just the sort of person who could not only validate my theory, but alert the general public.
Can you toss this for me, please? CyberHugs does not yet have an animal rescue branch.
And I think someone with your experience should help us launch it.
My brother's trotting out his new fiancée.
This is Sofia.
It's a green card marriage.
I'm into you.
Sofia LetÃcia Fernandes.
Will you marry me? If you are with them, you are, by definition, against me.
You are therefore no longer my boyfriend.
MAN: What is your name? Stanley J.
Turkleton.
Lie.
What is your name? Harvey Stevens.
Sioux City, Iowa.
Lie.
What is your name? (Exhales) Hamish Stegner.
You did it! (Laughs) - All you got to do is, uh - think about something calm, like, um like light rain, or the infinite size of the universe, and your tiny little miniscule part in it.
Okay, got it.
What's your name? - Martha Waterbottom.
- Lie.
Where do you live? Buckingham Palace.
- Lie.
- Balls.
Why don't I ask the question, maybe it'll keep you more calm.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Um, do you like my new haircut? - Yes.
- Lie.
Evie.
(Exhales) Ugh.
Uh, do, uh, do you like, um, my French toast? - Yes.
- Lie.
Evie, come You ate four pieces of that yesterday.
You said it gave you a yumgasm.
Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
- Do you like any of my cooking? - Yes.
- Lie.
- (Gasps) You make good microwave popcorn.
- Lie.
- Reggie, you're killing me.
You're Okay.
Something else.
Um All right.
Do I satisfy you sexually? Yes.
Is there something that you want to do that we haven't tried yet? No.
Lie.
(Whispering indistinctly) Do you want to try that right now? Yes.
That is true.
Reggie, you're dismissed.
Right.
Screw the lie detector test.
I got to cross - a way better item off my lyst.
- I admitted something very personal to Xavier, and it paid off.
Three times.
Wake me when you do something that requires a safeword.
Oh! And this morning at the coffee shop, I got too much change back, so I told the barista and she gave me a free scone! - An honesty scone.
- (Groans) - You're like a human hangover.
- The universe rewards honesty.
And I'm gonna keep the rewards coming.
Hank's taking over for me in quality control, and I'm gonna give him the cold, hard truth about that job.
In the form of a color-coded, - fully comprehensive binder.
- Okay, can you keep this honesty mission to yourself? Some people are very content to live in a world of lies.
Radical honesty is very liberating.
Maybe you can apply it to that situation - with your with your brother? - Shh.
Oh! Hey, Rohan! Who needs a little happy sippy? Yay! So much joy.
- (Exhales) - Okay.
What's happening? (Closes drawer) Yeah.
He's not handling the breakup with Sofia well at all.
I told him he could come here and raid my mini-bottle stash.
You have to tell him you're engaged to his ex-fiancée.
Wha I'm going to, but first - I have to get him through the stages.
- Wh-what? With every breakup, he goes through five very specific stages of grief.
Stage one day drinking.
Two despondency over trivial things.
Three excessive self-love.
Four TRH: Totally Random Hookup.
And finally five obsession with physical fitness.
Once he gets through all of those, he'll be over her, and I can tell him the truth about everything, and not ruin our relationship.
Is that a llama? - (Whinnies) - FERN: An alpaca, actually.
You know, like the blankets? - It's animal therapy.
- (Laughs) It's part of a company-wide initiative to improve work conditions post-strike.
Yeah.
All this week, an animal therapy training center supported by CyberHugs is going to bring in their animals during lunch hour.
What do you think? Honestly I think it's fantastic.
Just be careful when you go over there.
I almost ruined my 'Gamos stepping in some alpaca caca.
Yeah, they are heavy defecators.
That's good to know.
I got to get back to work, but, um, enjoy therapy.
Wow.
This is quite the line.
Oh.
Yeah.
Sorry for the wait.
We only have the one alpaca today.
We hate to split up Brad and Angelina but it was inevitable.
We couldn't afford the double-wide.
Oh.
Didn't CyberHugs give you a sizable donation recently? Oh, yeah.
But that five percent processing fee really takes a chunk out of it.
Well, since when do we charge a processing fee? I don't know.
I mean, I'd be thrilled if it was a mistake.
We really could use a bigger trailer.
And the staff could use new boots.
(Whispers): Alpacas are heavy defecators.
Yeah.
I've heard that.
You know what? Let me get your name and contact info, and I'll look into the fee and then follow up.
Uh, my name and number is Sabrina - Mm-hmm - and it's 206.
Oh, gosh, what is the freaking hold up? (Whispering): I loved her.
And then she left, and you're my only friend.
I loved her so much.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Stage one complete.
Move this way.
Okay.
Don't judge.
We all cope with heartbreak in different ways.
Hey.
You doing okay? She's wearing purple.
That's my favorite color.
It's just mean.
Maybe you should pet the therapy alpaca.
I just don't get it.
I mean, we had this heat.
This flaming heat.
Then it fizzles out because of some work issue? Like, flames don't fizzle.
That's not how flames work.
Maybe it was just a fling.
It - definitely wasn't a fling - Yeah? Well, how would you know? Okay.
The truth is really working for me today, so I'm gonna lay some on you.
When Xavier nearly got me fired, the only way Deirdre would rehire me was if I helped her win your affections.
I was the subject of a conspiracy? She called it Operation Hanky Panky.
(Gasps) It had a codename? See? It wasn't a fling.
And if you want to be with her, tell her exactly how you feel.
You're right.
You're so friggin' right.
(Grunts) That a boy.
Go get that honesty scone.
Yeah.
Gonna get that scone! - Is that a sex thing? - Never mind.
- 'Cause I'm open to new ideas.
- No.
It's not a sex thing.
- It sounds like a sex thing.
- It's not a sex thing.
Okay, 'cause it is now.
- Hey! - Hey.
- What are you doing? - I am ordering supplies.
How cute is Cyber Marty? - What? - Cyber Marty.
He's our upselling tool.
You know, before you finalize your order, he suggests other items to buy based on your purchase.
- Oh, yeah.
- And the people who frequently order what Marty recommends are Cybermart's most valued customers.
- We call them The Suggestibles.
- Oh! (Laughing): He wants you to buy an electric can opener, because you bought a case of creamed corn? Yeah.
Well, I'm just getting provisions in case I need to hole up for a few days.
Well, why would you need to hole up? Because, according to my calculations, Tyra DeNeil Fields will be publishing her peer review of my theory in the next couple of days.
Why do you say that? Well, I figure she's had my research for a month.
It took me two weeks to double-check the math, but with her I.
Q.
, she could probably do that in half the time.
However, she had a two week conference in Toledo and a lecture to prepare for in Boston.
Add six days assuming she doesn't work weekends and a two day grace period, and the logical conclusion is that she's gonna go public in the next 48 hours.
And I do not want to be around during the ensuing chaos.
Oh, gosh.
Honesty scone.
- What? - I have to tell you something.
All right.
Tyra never read your theory.
The day you gave your research to her, she threw it away.
Wait, what? Well, I went back to grab my purse and I saw - her toss it.
- Right after I gave it to her? Yes.
A month ago? Yes.
Wait, you've been holding onto this for a month? - I'm sorry - Evie, that's a month I'm never gonna get back.
That's one of the only six we've got left! - Xavier - That's a month that countless people have wasted their lives, 'cause they don't know the world is ending.
Evie, time is the only thing that matters and You just stole a bloody month from me.
- Well, I just thought - No.
There's nothing you can say to make this better.
She stole from me.
I mean - Eh - No.
She stole from me.
A month, a whole month.
And it was one of the long ones.
She can't just give it back.
I know.
That's why I'm so upset.
Well, do something about it.
Graffiti a billboard or-or get on a talk show.
Actually, I tried that one sort of.
When we get back, we're gonna talk to my man Xavier about a big-ass asteroid.
How many people actually watch this show? Oh, like, easily in the dozens.
I can't believe Evie lied to me.
I didn't lie.
I just didn't tell him.
Like how you haven't told Rohan you're involved with Sofia.
Deflection.
Classic liar behavior.
I haven't told Rohan yet because I want to minimize the pain it causes when I do.
Yeah, and I didn't tell Xavier because I knew it would hurt him.
I wouldn't have been hurt.
I just would've found another way to get the message out.
Ah, yeah, I'm sure she'd love that.
Who wouldn't want to date the Grim Reaper? Oh.
That's why she didn't tell me the truth.
When I thought I'd passed off the responsibility of publicizing the asteroid to Tyra, I guess I didn't talk about it as much.
He stopped going on about her all the time.
And it was kind of nice to get a break from all that doom and gloom.
- Bring it home.
- But it was super selfish of me to try to stifle his message for my own comfort.
I have to make it up to him.
Okay, well, who else can get his message out? (Knocking) Evie.
- Oh.
Ah.
- Fern! I was just looking for Timothy.
- So sorry.
It's not a good time.
- No, no, I'm-I'm sorry, I don't normally answer another person's door naked.
I thought you were the Thai food delivery guy.
I-I can come back.
No, no, no, no.
Peanut? Um Evie's here.
Evie Uh, you know Fern.
- (Nervous chuckle) - And Fern, of course, you know Evie.
And I know both of you, so FERN: And I am going to go find my clothes.
If I can find them - 'cause they came off in a hurry.
- (Both chuckle) Okay.
I'm sorry.
I know you wanted to take a friendship breather, I just, I didn't know who else to go to.
No, i-it's totally fine, what's up? I screwed up big time with Xavier.
And I kind of need your help.
So you want me to help Xavier? Well, if it makes a difference, you're actually helping me help him.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um, so, Xavier has this theory.
Kind of like a Jade Helm thing like Hank? Well, this is actually a very well-researched scientific theory that maybe you could put a public voice to, or introduce him to someone who could.
Look, I-I know it's-it's super awkward for me to ask my ex-boyfriend to help my current boyfriend.
Then again, my ex-boyfriend moved on with my ex-best friend, so it's all kind of just, you know Sure.
And you and Xavier have bonded a bit, right? - Yeah, yeah, we're-we're cool.
- Yeah.
So maybe it's not too weird.
(Stammers) Sure.
Yeah, I'll-I'll hear him out.
Thank you.
HANK: There's still something here and we both know it.
Okay, still something here.
We can both feel it.
It's between us.
We know it and we feel it.
Here we go.
(Exhales) Hey! (Clears throat) (Voice cracking): Okay, we have a thing.
We got a Yeah.
Yeah.
We have a thing, okay? It's between me, you.
We got a thing.
Let's do the thing.
That was complete nonsense.
Okay, I have real feelings for you.
- I'm not ready for this to be over.
- Hank, allow me to be violently clear.
I do not wish to be involved with you any longer, as our toxic chemistry perverted my priorities.
I need to focus on my career and my responsibilities, and shirk any romantic entanglements.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting.
Pardon me, pal.
Awfully tight in here.
(Gasps) Oh! Hi, I'm Evie.
I work for CyberHugs.
- Are you new? - No, I'm not new, I'm swamped.
Department downsized by 75% in Q1 of 2016.
What's the action item? Okay, well, there's some mysterious fee getting deducted from every CyberHugs account.
No mystery.
CyberHugs accounts are all deducted 5%.
Paid out to Rosie Baxter & Associates.
It's not unusual for legal firms to charge for handling a charity's contracts and payroll.
Well, maybe I can talk them into a flat fee instead.
Can I get the contact info? You cost the company $10.
53 in overtime by interrupting me.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- $11.
06.
Yeah, I'll just see my way.
Out of your hole.
- Okay.
- $11.
72.
$12.
14.
AUTOMATED VOICE: We can't take your call right now, please leave a message.
Seems informal for a law firm.
You're talking to yourself again.
Code Purple.
Code Purple.
Huddle up, we got a Deirdre situation! (Panting) Okay, so, there's this this guy, and then, he came in with f (Sniffs) Oh.
Hey.
Here And then, he Okay.
(Kisses) - I think I got that last part.
- Use your words.
There was a guy in Deirdre's office, and he gave her flowers and then he kissed her on the cheek! (Whispering): That's my cheek! I kiss that cheek! That's my cheek! She told me no more romantic entanglements.
It's all about work.
So I hacked her calendar, and I found out she has an appointment at 7:30.
Tonight.
In blue.
- BOTH: What does that mean? - Work appointments are in Cybermart green, and personal appointments are in blue.
It's a blue! It's a personal! She's going on a date.
What do I do? - I think you have to kill him.
- Yes, that is good.
- How? - What? Wait, no, that's bad.
I can't, I can't do that.
You know she's gonna see him tonight, just get in there and do some date sabotage.
"Date sabotage.
" Trust me, I'm very good at destroying relationships.
ROHAN (crying): The vending machine is out of nacho chips.
- (Kareema sighs, bell dings) - (Sniffles) I did that to him.
Parking lot at 1900 hours.
We'll tail Deirdre when she leaves work.
Evie! - What? - Are you in? No, sorry, I have too many fires to put out.
Oh! And there you have it.
A rather graphic illustration of what awaits us and why it's critically important that we make sure that it's publicized.
What do you think? An asteroid making contact as a direct result of global warming? Clickability alone is But also bringing awareness to an ecological crisis.
Oh, there's a big story here.
2522 South Park.
Okay, Rosie Baxter & Associates, where are you? Three (Line ringing) KAREEMA: I'm not here right now.
Please leave a message.
Ha-ha.
Not falling for that again.
Hey, get this.
Remember that legal firm, Rosie Baxter? I think it's a shell and someone is swindling CyberHugs.
- Oh, yeah - Yeah, the address they provided is for a male strip club called Corndogs.
You know, I think that bizarro accountant is greasing his own palms.
Riveting stuff, Encyclopedia Blonde, but I'm in the middle of a date sabotage, so Okay, get off the phone.
We got to move.
Falcon out! (Crickets chirping) (Muttering indistinctly) WOMAN: All right, everyone.
Since we'll be seeing a lot of ballroom styles at the competition tomorrow, we're going to learn something a little different tonight.
It's called a Regency dance.
- Okay.
- Stand across from your partner.
- What? No - Put your right hand up.
(Whispering): Where are you going? I'm going undercover to do some date sabotage.
KAREEMA: But we don't have disguises.
Oh! We've been spotted.
KAREEMA: Yeah, because we don't have disguises.
- Okay, just act natural.
- Come in! Come in.
We don't bite.
I do.
At-at dancing.
That's why we're all here.
To learn dancing.
- Take it down a notch.
- Okay.
I mean, we'll have to-to vet the math, which could take some time, but, uh No one cares about the math, bro.
No? "Bro"? The math isn't your story.
This Xavier guy is.
"An Astronomical Delusion.
Inside the Mind of a Doomsday Tripper.
" - You get it.
- Ah Make it punchy, make it splashy.
S-S uh, so you just you just want a-a hit piece? Wh-What if his theory actually checks out? (Chuckles) Come on, bro.
The Mayans, Nostradamus, the Book of Revelations, Y2K.
When's the last time an apocalypse theory was right? Well, I mean, we're all still here.
So, uh, never.
That's not your story.
Xavier is.
- Here's the plan, - Okay, everyone I'm gonna test the waters with Deirdre.
You seduce the cowboy.
KAREEMA: Consider it done.
- Gentlemen over there.
- Okay, yes.
Gentleman on the other.
All right.
Very good.
(Indistinct chatter) And music.
(Regency music playing) KAREEMA: You certainly are light on your feet there, Tex.
Thank you, little lady.
Much obliged.
Did you follow me here? I thought you said you were done with romance.
Who's the cowboy? My dance partner.
MAN: I, uh, saw you earlier at Didi's workplace, didn't I? (Muttering gibberish) Did you? KAREEMA: You know, all this antiquated, sexually repressed dancing's really getting my motor revving.
My, you got more ten-dollar words than my Aunt Ruthie.
HANK: Dance partners don't usually kiss each other.
We have history.
What say you ditch your date and we go back to my place and test out those hog-tying skills.
Well, with all due respect, ma'am, uh, I think I'm gonna leave with the lady I came in with.
My wife's got me bit like a rattlesnake.
He called Deirdre his wife.
What the what? Deirdre's your wife? Uh, well, uh, if we're splitting hairs about it, she's my ex-wife.
Uh, the name is Re-Pete.
That's a nickname that Didi gave me on account of my name's Pete and she married me twice.
So I get dismissed after one disagreement, but this guy gets to marry you twice? It's complicated.
It's simple.
See, she, uh, takes a shine to me when we win these dance competitions.
We've won twice and she married twice.
She's the one that got away.
Twice.
I reckon you're a little sweet on my lady friend, friend.
Well, I reckon you need to get back to your cow patch, cowboy! Oh, I'm not going anywhere.
In fact, you might want to start calling me Three-Pete, 'cause, uh, we're gonna win that dance competition and Didi will be mine again.
Again.
(Stammering) We need to enter this dance-off.
We need to win! Oh, for Pete's sake.
EVIE: Fern? Hey, um, you know Anthony, the accountant? His office just looks like a big stack of boxes from the outside? You know (Imitating Anthony): "What's the action item" Oh, yeah.
(Imitating Anthony): "You just cost this company $1.
50.
" Yeah, that guy.
Well, I think he's (Cat meows) Oh, is that one of the therapy animals? No, Best Pals rescue.
(Grunts) Baxter.
He was rescued from a hurricane in Vanuatu.
Like Rosie.
Baxter.
Paid out to Rosie Baxter and Associates.
- (Cash register dings) - - (Cash register dings) - - (Cash register dings) - - (Cash register dings) - - (Cash register dings) - EVIE: It's you.
You're embezzling from CyberHugs.
Fernburglar.
Evie, "embezzling" is such a strong word.
Embezzling.
See? You're not denying it.
Look, money talks.
When I first started, I couldn't get anyone to listen to me.
Excuse me, ma'am, do you have three minutes to talk about black-footed ferrets? They're dying every day! But once I got some designer clothes and a fresh blow-out, people actually wanted to hear what I have to say.
Presentation matters.
It's a superficial world.
You should know that.
What, me? Being a "volleyball Barbie" got you into a different social circle.
It's how the game is played.
Well, you're playing it illegally.
That's a bit reductive.
Last year, I brought in $200,000 in donations to Best Pals.
What I do for this charity is essential.
Think about how it will affect the animals if you turn me in.
I'm not gonna turn you in.
Good.
I'm not gonna turn you in, because you're gonna do the right thing.
And I'm gonna do the kind thing the friend thing and give you time to make it right.
Give the money back by tomorrow or I go to Deirdre.
(Door closes) See, they all have some sort of big Dirty Dancing "wow" moment at the end.
I've never seen that movie.
Dirty Dancing? - Mm.
- Are you dead? Inside, yes.
And I like it that way.
My point is, is that we need some sort of lift or flourish to really give the judges that "wow".
Ooh, ooh, see.
(Stammers) Like this.
We can probably pull that one off.
Oh, that reminds me, I think Rohan's moved on to Stage 3.
(Whistling) - ROHARO (grunting): Come on.
- (Blowing) Oh, yes! Two more stages and I can break the news to him.
Ooh, see.
Ooh, ooh, look.
See that? (Scoffs) That's easy.
- We got this.
- We got that.
(Hank grunts) What? That's that's good! Thank you again for hearing Xavier out.
Yeah, that's that's why I wanted to meet, actually.
So, my editor wants to play a different angle on the story.
What kind of angle? Oh, you know, she really wants to hit the whole unhinged conspiracy theorist angle.
"Unhinged"? Stories sometimes shift.
But that's not a shift, that's an attack.
You-you can't write it.
Well, I can't just abandon it.
I've got real momentum right now.
Oh, my God.
You want to write the story.
- What? - Because you're jealous.
Seriously? You really think I'm that petty? Well, you can't wait to smear my boyfriend.
Honestly, I couldn't dig up enough on Xavier to do that if I wanted to.
There's nothing out there on him.
How well do you really know the guy? Well, how well do you know Fern? What does she have to do with it? Never mind.
No.
Now you're being petty.
You know what, you want to service your career and hurt me in the process, then I guess I just I don't know you as well as I thought I did.
Well, if you want to accuse me of being someone that would do something that would make me someone who you didn't think I was, you know, then maybe I don't know you that well, either.
Huh? N-Nothing.
I'm mad.
Good-bye.
I'm sorry.
I I wanted to make it up to you and I thought Timothy would help.
But he's just making it a hatchet job.
Well, that's all right.
Some people might read the article and think I'm crazy, but other people might be intrigued enough to investigate.
People can be very suggestible.
What? "Suggestible.
" I know how to get your message out.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you looking at? Stage 4.
Oh, gosh, Rohan.
Is that Peggy? Yes.
I need a favor.
You've come to the right place.
I've been putting out fires everywhere.
Most recently, the one in Peggy's loins.
I need access to The Suggestibles.
(Gasps) I thought you'd never ask.
- Come, come.
- Okay.
(Whirring) Is this legal? Well, they all clicked the little box approving third party spamming, so, yeah, it's it's totally legal.
Sad face.
I e-mail blasted them all suggesting they attend an "inspirational event" today that promises to "change their lives.
" Perfect.
We'll bring the masses to us.
Okay.
Get your globes and kerosene.
Uh no, I absolutely won't be doing that.
What? Why not? People deserve the truth.
- You've always said that.
- Yeah, but look what happened when I set fire to a globe with Timothy.
The takeaway was "unhinged conspiracy guy.
" And look at you.
You didn't tell me Tyra tossed my research, because you liked that I was backing off the whole "end is nigh" talk, didn't you? Yeah, it's, it's a lot to take.
And I get it, which is why I'm not gonna tell a bunch of strangers they're gonna be obliterated by a fiery ball of iron and silicate.
'Cause this whole thing isn't about doom and gloom.
It's about embracing life.
So, I'll tell them the truth.
I'm just gonna soften the blow with two little words.
TIMOTHY: What if I tried a reverse phone look-up? Hey, Peanut, I need to ask you something important.
Mm-hmm.
Theoretically if I had been dishonest, but I made up for it and did the right thing, would you still want to be with me? I-I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
I was just researching Evie's boyfriend.
It's a long story, but it's taken a bit of a disturbing turn.
You're probably never gonna get over her, are you? Yeah, it's really interesting.
'Cause I (Keyboard keys clicking rapidly) Academic journals.
Does he have a PhD? What was his dissertation? (Hitting keys loudly) Academic records.
Hey, do you know if student records are always sealed? Fernie? (Music ends) KAREEMA: I can't believe I'm wearing fringe.
What even is my life right now? - You think we're gonna win? - No.
- Do you? - Hell, yes! WOMAN: Contestants 109 are up next.
Oh, I can't even taste the vodka in this.
- Oh, let's go.
- Okay.
(Sighing) (Astaire-Rogers-style song plays) (Song ends) Yeah! We got a nine! Yes! We got a nine! Yeah, yeah.
It's out of 30.
- What? - Okay, let's Contestants 137, you're up.
Oh.
(Lively piano music plays) Showtime! Dear one The world Is waiting For the sunrise HANK: Here comes the Three-Pete.
And every rose I'm done for.
Is covered with dew - I have an idea.
- The thrush on high Kareema, where you going? Dear one - The world - (Explosion, music stops) (Sighs) Is waiting for the sunrise BOTH: Every little rosebud Oh, damn! Kareema, you made it even more romantic.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- I'm calling You.
(Applause) Thank you.
I don't even need to wait for our score.
With you by my side, I'm always winning.
Didi, you delicious glass of sweet tea will you make me the happiest man in the world for the third time, and re-marry me again? (Deirdre giggling) I accept your proposition.
(Laughter, applause) XAVIER: What if I told you the world was ending? What if I said that an asteroid was headed directly for Earth in six months time? What would you change about your lives? I know it sounds like a bizarre hypothetical, but what if what if it were true? What if you gave yourself permission to seize the day? What might your life look like? I would implore you to embrace that "what if.
" What are your wildest dreams? What are your deepest fears that you that you wish you could overcome? Be honest with yourself about what it is that you would change about your life.
When you have your "what if," grab a piece of chalk and write it down.
You're making a promise to yourself that you're gonna do it.
So go on, grab a piece of chalk.
What would you do if you only had six months left? There we go.
Well done, mate.
Somehow, some way, some day Somehow, some way, some day - Somehow, some way, some day - - Somehow, some way, some day - - Somehow, some way, some day - Somehow, some way, some day Somehow, some way, some day Somehow, some way, some day Somehow, some way, some day.
- "Tell my parents that I'm gay.
" - "Punch someone in the face" "Lick an hallucinogenic toad.
" - I didn't see that one.
- No? It was right there in, like, orange caps.
Oh.
You know, you were right to soften the truth for those people, but for us, from now on, let's just say complete and brutal honesty is our relationship policy.
Right.
I agree.
Full-time honesty scones.
Okay, here goes, I cheated on a second grade spelling test - and never told anyone about it.
- (Gasps) Scandalous! Well, what was the word? - Irreconcilable.
- "Irreconcilable"? Well, that's far too hard for second grade.
But I appreciate you sharing your shame with me.
Mm.
What about you? Any burning confessions to make? What, you mean, apart from my Gene Kelly fantasy? Oh, oh, oh! Whoa.
Bus station in the evening Bags around my knees Phone's ringin' at the end of the line And I'm finding it hard to breathe Left home with a dream The future at my feet If they could only see me standing Stranded in the pouring street You know I believe you now Couldn't leave you now I had a dream in this town But I'm leavin' now.
Where you headed? Uh, to find Fernberger.
Why? - Ah, stage 5.
- Uh-huh.
I got Rohan a Zap Strap.
Grief process complete.
I'm home-free.
I can come clean about Sofia without crushing him.
I'm glad.
For both of you.
- Yeah.
- Good luck.
Oh, hey, if you're heading to Fernburger, will you get me one of those doubles with facon and vegan cheese? No, it's a different different Fernberger.
Oh, and some radish fries.
Different Fernberger! FERN: Evie, you were right.
What I did was wrong, and I dressed it up as nobility.
If I were a stronger person, maybe I could stay and make it right.
But the truth is, I'm not ready to accept the consequences of my actions, and by the time you get this, I will be halfway to Uruguay to get back in touch with what I love saving kittens from floods.
Best, Fern.
P.
S.
Enjoy the alpaca scarf.
Don't worry, I used my own money.
DEIRDRE: She really pulled the wool over our eyes.
There are missing funds that we cannot account for.
And there is an accountant that we cannot account for.
He seems to have quit, too.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
And without Fern's skilled money-raising efforts, the program may be in jeopardy.
You are now manning a sinking ship.
Good luck.
You lied to me.
Said you only had room for work in your life.
So what's the truth? You just don't have feelings for me? We had powerful chemistry.
But during the strike, you didn't stand by me, and that hurt my my feelings more than I expected.
If I continued down a road with you into emotional territory, then it would be exponentially more painful if you rejected me.
So the possibility of rejection made you reject me? I exercise risk management in all aspects of life.
I think that's the stupidest thing you've ever said.
I appreciate your honesty, Hank.
Ooh Ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh.
EVIE: I'm so sorry about Fern.
Sounds like she wasn't who we thought she was.
No.
And you deserve better.
So do you.
Uh, which is why I wanted you to see this.
I won't publish this without your consent.
What are you talking about? I-I never intended to make Xavier look crazy.
I went looking for his credentials to legitimize him, but Uh, just read it.
He's not who he says he is.
His name isn't even Xavier Holliday.
Hamish Stegner.
Oh, my God.
Hey.
Who the hell are you?