Nobodies (2017) s01e09 Episode Script

1 - Hey.
- Hey.
(laughing) What's so funny? This script.
Come eat.
Or do you just want to live off the laughter of that hilarious script? Oh, is someone threatened by this hilarious script? Oh, yeah.
I am extremely threatened.
Then why don't you write one? What, when I'm not cooking dinner and putting it in to-go boxes, you want me to write scripts, too? There's not enough time in the day for that, woman.
Where did you get this? Why didn't you want me to see it? - It's so good.
- Wait.
Seriously, how did you get this? Larry sent it to me.
Larry? When are you talking to Larry? - What do you mean Larry sent it to me? - Okay, relax.
Are you that insecure that you didn't want me to read it? I I just I don't want to feel like I'm selling something to my girlfriend.
Stop it.
Am I your girlfriend? Are you my boyfriend? Are we going steady? Hmm? Listen.
I think this relationship can handle "Mr.
First Lady.
" I I'm telling you, you do not know the power of this thing.
It has left a lot of bodies in its wake.
What about this body? Where did you get her e-mail? I went on your computer and I got it.
Oh, my God, do you hear the words that come out of your mouth.
I wanted your car, so I stole it! Okay, what would you have said if I said, let's send her the script.
- Not to send it.
- Exactly.
So how does that give you a right to go on my computer and get her e-mail? So I'm just supposed to do nothing? Why aren't you saying anything? What do you want me to say? Unbelievable.
You're just like this one.
You both are too complacent.
Well, I don't have that luxury because I'm about to have lots more children very shortly.
- That's not my fault.
- What does that mean? I'm not supposed to have sex with my wife because she's not a model like your model girlfriend? Uh, former model.
She's way too old to be a model.
She'd be laughed off the catwalk.
Will you two idiots shut up for one second, please? Wow.
Sam, read our script and loved it, and she wants to set up a meeting to discuss her and Paul Skidmore maybe making it.
Oh, my God.
That's a big name.
That's a big director.
He just directed Melissa in that movie about the with the airplane.
- "The Friendly Skies.
" - "The Friendly Skies.
" That's amazing.
Paul Skidmore is going to direct "Mr.
First Lady.
" All I know is she wants to have a meeting to discuss it.
That is amazing.
What's going on with this one? I'm just being cautious.
We don't know this woman.
She could be a charlatan.
A charlatan? What's a charlatan? Like a witch.
A witch? Do you two know what any words mean? You're supposed to be professional writers.
Here, you reach out to your girlfriend, reach out to Sam, set up the meeting.
I'm not gonna reach out to my girlfriend.
I'll reach out to her, I have her information right here.
So annoying Hugh didn't come with us.
We always go to meetings together.
Well, he said he's gonna drive in with Sam.
Hopefully he spent the night at her house.
- Satisfied her sexually.
- Okay.
How do I look? Is it What is going on with your face area? - What do you mean? - I don't I don't quite get your strategy there.
Just It's just a smoky eye and it's fun and it's light and it's pretty, fresh and pretty.
- I would say overall - Mm-hmm.
- Inappropriate.
- What? Inappropriate for a business meeting.
You don't know what you're talking about - and no one asked you, so.
- Well, you asked me.
- Well - (car horn honking) Ooh! - That's a nice car.
- A convertible? - My God.
- I'm sorry, that's very '80s.
- She's living life.
- In 1984.
I'm so sorry, it's all my fault that we're late.
Traffic was insane and I made Hugh go horseback riding this morning.
I started taking lessons out in Malibu.
Anyway, it's my fault, I'm super sorry.
You look really festive.
What are you Are you going somewhere? Uh, yeah, I'm You know, drinks and dinner and maybe dancing or That's fun, yeah.
So I'm gonna go check in with Paul and then look at my notes and then I'll talk to you guys in a couple minutes.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Yeah, great.
Uh, sorry I didn't drive in with you guys, I No, it's great.
Don't apologize.
We need you to keep it going.
You're our man on the inside, if you know what I mean.
Larry, we know.
You look, uh - Stunning.
- Really? Yeah.
I don't I didn't Thank you.
You look very handsome.
Thanks.
Larry, you look great, too.
Sorry.
I was about to say it.
What a bunch of hairy apes.
Let's go inside.
Okay, so first off, I love "Mr.
First Lady.
" I love it.
- Larry, thank you so much for sending it.
- Yes.
My boyfriend was too scared.
I I wasn't too scared.
You guys, it's so funny! It really is and I think Paul's gonna love it.
I just have a couple of thoughts before I have him read it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- My one global note is - I disagree.
- What? I'm sorry, what was your note? Well, my one global note is that you have this great set piece in the first act, but I just feel like we need something more physical in the second act, 'cause right now, it's just a lot of people sitting around talking.
Yeah, I disagree.
I mean, that's life.
That's what people do, they talk.
So it'd be weird if, we like, wrote a bunch of scenes where everyone's, like, horseback riding for no reason.
Oh, no, I'm not suggesting horseback riding by any - I just meant, like, maybe, take it.
.
- I know, I know, I know, I know.
It's just that The note doesn't resonate with me.
- (phone ringing) - So that doesn't resonate.
- Good morning, Paul.
- Hey, Sam.
Do you know how to work the new coffee thing? Yeah, you just put the pod in the thing.
No, I put three pods in and I don't know where they went.
No, you just put it in and then you close it and then you hit "brew.
" I swear to God, I did that.
I just really need coffee.
I got it, I'm coming.
I'm so sorry.
He just got back from Morocco and he's all turned around.
It's just problems with Cameron's schedule.
Cameron Diaz, do you know her? No.
She's a great girl.
- Stop fingering me! - I'm not fingering you.
- You're fingering me! - I It's called poking, I'm poking you because I don't know what you're doing.
You're ruining the meeting.
She's just talking to talk.
No she's not, the note she just gave is the same one you gave 55 million times when we were writing it.
I vehemently disagree with that note, okay? And that's an objective opinion.
The word you're looking for is "subjective.
" So sorry about that, guys.
Um Crisis averted.
Um Okay, so, I gave you my sort of big second act note.
Yes, which we all agree with.
Very easy fix.
You like it? Great.
- You good? - Yes.
So then I would just say that my other big note is I love the Mr.
First Lady character.
I think a lot of really big, big actors are gonna want to play that part.
- Mmm! - I just I think, like, A-list all the way.
But I just think that the president, she could be funnier.
- (scoffing) - 'Cause right now, she's kinda like the straight man and I just think it's an opportunity where we could I'm sorry, you know, that's a no.
That's an "over my dead body" no.
Really? Uh, I just I don't know.
I kinda think, like, that's kind of a note that ten out of ten people would give.
It's not very original.
Huh.
If ten out of ten people give the note, then that means it's 100% correct.
So that would be objective fact, not a subjective opinion.
- (phone ringing) - Yes, Paul.
- I'm sorry, Sam.
- That's okay.
I lost three more pods.
That machine just gobbled three pods like it hadn't eaten in ten years.
Can you just, uh - I'm so sorry.
- No, don't apologize.
I'm on my way.
He's a great director.
He's a terrible barista.
(laughter) (whispering) An over my dead body no? What are you doing? Stop being so damn jealous, Rachel.
- I'm not jealous.
- What are you jealous of? You had every opportunity for us to be together.
The last time we slept together The last time you slept together? You said it was too complicated, so I do not feel bad for you right now, Rachel, I don't.
I don't want anyone to feel bad for me; I'm fine.
How many times have you guys slept together? You're not fine, you're wrecking this meeting, because now is when you decide you like me? I don't like you, Hugh, I hate you, Hugh.
Oh, my God, she loves him.
I hate you and your stupid face and your stupid watch.
What is that watch? You don't wear a watch.
Did your model girlfriend get you that watch? "Oh, Hugh, I want to know where you are at all times.
- Where are you, Hugh?" - It is a gift.
- It is a gift.
- Why is this happening to me? I should have gotten a vasectomy but I was too scared.
Go back to Malibu with Malibu Barbie who has no kids and no ex-husband.
And her life is so perfect with her Barbie Corvette and her little cream turtlenecks - and her statement red lip.
- Mm-mmm.
I swear to God, Larry, if you finger me one more time, - I'm - Look who's here.
Hi! It's an Aston Martin.
Oh.
That's nice.
- I'm sorry! - Well, you know what? I mean, this is exactly why they say not to date people that you work with.
Well, what about Hugh and Sam? That's completely different.
She can get a movie made.
- Hugh will fix this.
- He better.
I mean, we need Hugh and Sam to be together.
We need them to be happy and in love, so that "Mr.
First Lady" gets made, hopefully before my family doubles in size! - So you're just leaving? - Yes! Well, our car is parked this way.
God! (Sam) So what, is she in love with you? No.
- No.
- Then what's her problem? She has a hard time hearing notes.
I do know whatever you love about that script, it's Rachel.
Well, she's insane.
She's got a lot going on.
She's a single mom.
She's got a seven-year-old daughter.
Yeah, that's not really my fault.
I would bet she was intimidated, because you are beautiful and accomplished and sexy and tall.
And beautiful and accomplished and sexy.
- Okay, okay, okay - And it just It keeps coming at you in waves and waves.
Okay, so where are we? What do you mean? Us? - Script.
- Uh Um, can you guys do the rewrite or not? - Yes, of course.
- Yes? Okay, great, 'cause I want Paul to read it as soon as possible, so how fast can you turn these notes around? Fast.
Great.
I like it.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
(phone ringing) Hi, Paul.
Sam, Paul here.
Good news is I found the pods, they were all together, ha ha.
Bad news is, the machine is now spewing coffee literally everywhere.
So would you please get here with certain alacrity? - (laughing) - Thank you.
(Rachel) It's "doesn't.
" She wouldn't say "does not.
" No one talks like that.
It's a formal setting, so you would.
It's "does not.
" That sounds so written.
"Does not.
" "I am the president and I am a robot and I say 'does not.
'" For the rhythm of this sentence, she should say "does not.
" The "rhythm of the sentence?" - Who are you? - Can we please stop arguing? It's one word.
It's two words.
"Does not.
" - Put whatever you want.
- I will.
- You know, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Great.
Can you be quiet, though, please? Lois is sleeping.
Is her sickness viral or bacterial? Larry, you're not gonna get sick, she has a cold.
That's why you kept her home? Because of a cold? Kids can go to school with a cold.
- No, they can't.
- Mine do.
Maybe I'm right Maybe I'm wrong Or maybe I'm just dumb Maybe I'm right Maybe I'm wrong What do you think, "doesn't" or "does not"? I think that's the least of our problems.
We need to get this thing turned into Hugh's girlfriend and we're getting nowhere.
That's not my fault.
She was being difficult.
You're both being difficult.
I think we need someone else to look at our script and tell us what to do.
What about Nat and Jim? What about Nat and Jim? They can help us with our script.
They're an Oscar-winning writing team.
Or, we could just write "doesn't" and be done with it.
Nope, and that's an "over my dead body" note.
This is fun.
I guarantee you, Nat and Jim don't do this.
- Hi.
- Oh.
Didn't you get my text? No, I didn't.
Uh, I didn't check.
"Don't come, Nat's being an asshole.
" (Nat) That's what you texted? You're such a dick! I'm not being an asshole! - Can you give us a sec? - Mm.
(Jim) You have been an asshole all day! (Nat) Stop yelling at me! I have to yell 'cause you don't listen! Oh, you're such a prick! Shut your dumb face! - (whispering) Should we just go? - No, we shouldn't just go.
We have to turn this script in and Jim and Nat won an Oscar.
- They can help us.
- They don't know anything we don't know.
And they give Oscars to children, by the way.
Well, not for screenwriting, so.
- Hey.
- Sorry about that, hey.
Come on in.
I feel like you have a great set piece in the first act.
Maybe add something physical in the second act, 'cause right now, it's just a lot of people sitting around and talking.
Love it, great note.
Sam gave the exact same note, you did not love it.
Well, she didn't say it like that.
I actually think that most of the stuff in here If you do add something physical, page 50 that goes through page 70 (talking over one another) doesn't feel tacked on! - Were you gonna say something, Nat? - No, apparently not.
That's right, I'm not the one that's supposed to talk, - that's your job, right? - Oh.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was a pity party, or I would have brought balloons and a cake, which you would've inhaled.
(throat clearing) We really appreciate I mean, isn't there a hockey game you're supposed to get to or maybe a beer pong game with your bros? Uh, as a matter of fact, I do have a hockey game, yeah.
Do I need to get my permission slip signed, Mommy? No, no, no, go, please.
Go skate on your little skates, and I'll do what I always do.
All the work.
All the work.
Yeah, you would do all the work regardless if I was here, because you're a controlling little bitch! Uh, guys, we can We can come back later.
No, we really can't come back later.
We have to do this.
Jim, did you maybe have an idea of how we can address Sam's note of making the president funnier? You have a drinking problem.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
And unfortunately, when you have a problem, it becomes a problem for me.
Last night, at our screening, you embarrassed me in front of Charlize Theron, and you know how much I adore Charlize Theron! Do you know why I have a drinking problem? Because last night, I played a game where I would do a shot every time you mentioned the words "I have an Oscar.
" It was so gross.
- Oh, was it? - You embarrassed yourself.
- It came up.
- Yeah.
- It came up.
- It was disgusting.
Literally everybody at the party was like, who is that D-bag? Do you know what? You wouldn't even have this if it wasn't for me.
- Put it down.
- No, no.
- Put it down.
- You don't deserve it.
Okay, this? This is real.
Mine means something.
Okay, this you might as well have just bought - at a novelty store on Hollywood Boulevard.
- Give it to me.
- Jim, give it to me.
- If it was made of chocolate, you'd just inhale it.
- Give it to me.
- You fatty, fat, fat! Give it to me, you little mochi-eating bitch! No! - Give - No! No, don't - No! - Guys.
- No! - Guys! - No! - Hey! No! Hey, you want it so bad? Go get it.
Damn it.
This is his.
- Um - (door closes) I'm sorry about the other day.
I think you were right.
I think the president would say "does not.
" - I'm sorry.
- No.
It doesn't matter what she says.
She could easily have said "doesn't.
" Okay.
Whatever.
That little bitch threw his own out the window.
Hey, Nat, um what was the thing you wanted to say before, when Jim cut you off, you had a note? I don't know, Larry, I didn't read the script.
Where is it? It's who I am! Okay, there you are.
What's happened to all these people? So I guess I just thought that if you and Nat are broken up now, and, you know, you need a new writing partner, I'm available.
And what about your current writing partners, Hugh and Rachel, you're just gonna bail on them? I don't mind being second fiddle.
You could be the leader.
I'd prefer you to be the leader.
I like You could boss me around, you can tell me what to do, I could staple things for you.
I can get coffee, I can type.
You can be mean to me.
You can do whatever you want, I won't be like Nat.
Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry, slow down, I don't need a writing partner, Nat and I are fine.
That wasn't even really a fight.
Well, maybe you know people.
Larry, you've got a good thing with Hugh and Rachel, just talk it out, maybe see a therapist.
Nat and I go to this great guy, Blaine King.
See him.
All right, look, if anything changes, you keep me in mind.
Larry, you have a business card? I do; I got 1,500 of those in 1998.
It's great, I love the rewrite.
I'm gonna give it to Paul tomorrow.
Wow, that's fantastic.
Well, you gave useful notes, which for us was a novel experience.
- You wanna come over? - Now? I am so blown out.
Why do you gotta live all the way out in Malibu? Why do you have to live all the way out in Echo Park? 'Cause I can't afford to live in Malibu.
Well, if we get this movie made, you'll be able to live wherever you want.
How do you know I don't like living with Pat? I mean, he's sitting right here eating what smells like microwave fish.
Fiesta grilled tilapia.
Oh, excuse me.
Fiesta grilled tilapia.
Lucky boy.
Well, then I'm gonna hit the hay and I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Yeah, we'll definitely talk tomorrow.
I love you.
(TV sports playing) Oh, no, I scared you, didn't I? No, um I had I had just taken a sip of beer.
I love you, too.
All right.
Good night.
(chuckling) Oh! You blew it.
Guy missed a wide open layup.
Do you think there are serial killers on here? On a dating website? Yeah, maybe.
Oh, it's just gonna be so weird dating strangers.
Oh, my God, is this a children's book on the Holocaust? - She likes it.
- Oh, really? They didn't have any children's books about Syria? Ignore him.
All right, they need words to describe your personality.
Um - Fun.
- Totally.
Maybe spontaneous.
Mmm Okay.
Neurotic; fragile; ticking time bomb Ethan! He's doing the lemonade cleanse and he's lashing out.
Horrible; crier; demonic; needy.
Oh, that's a big one.
You should lead with needy.
- Okay, we will, thank you.
- You're welcome.
What about my photo? I feel like I need a good photo.
Oh, it's the most important part.
Hmm You're eating.
Oh, I love that one.
That's so pretty.
And we'll just crop Hugh out of it.
Let's you and I grow a garden in the yard Let's you and I grow a garden in the yard