Not Dead Yet (2023) s01e09 Episode Script

1
THERAPIST: And what would you
say your relationship is like
with your inner child?
You know, um, we don't
see each other that often.
I should call her, though,
since she's probably responsible
for most of my snack choices
and cereal intake.
And how does that make you feel?
[CHUCKLES] Wow.
You guys really say that, huh?
Uh, I feel, in general,
fairly well-adjusted.
SAM: What are you doing?
Besides laying down in a public space.
Nothing. I'm just finishing my latest obit,
and I just feel like, you know,
there's really good energy here.
The couch in the hallway
by the bulletin board
where people come to fart?
Here we go.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY, CLICKS TONGUE] 'Sup?
Yep, exactly.
You know, I'd like to tell you that you have
our unwavering support,
but things like this really make me waver.
Hmm. What can I say?
Every writer has their process.
Now, go. Go away. Let me do my thing.
You're gonna have to go
somewhere else to f
- DENNIS: I will.
- So, important question.
- [SIGHS] Huh?
- Have you told your friends
- that you see ghosts?
- Oh, absolutely not.
And how does that make you feel?
NELL: You know what?
I think it's time to end our session.
- [KEYBOARD CLACKS]
- THERAPIST: But we haven't
really dug into why you're not
- [LAPTOP WHOOSHES]
- Oh.
Therapy is hard.
NELL: All right, so, you said
you were going through
some stuff in the back.
What you got, huh? Some rare apéritifs?
- Stinky cheese from France?
- Mmm.
Uh, my dead husband's ashes.
- Oh.
- Oh. It's not as delicious.
Man, that's a lot. How are you doing?
Fine, I think.
I've been going through his things, too,
and I have something
very special for you, Edward.
Nice.
- [NELL GASPS]
- Ta-da!
Oh, my God, that's Monty's hat!
- Huh?
- Um, in my in my head,
that that would be Monty's hat.
Just, like, the way that I pictured it,
like, um, um, from your descriptions
and stuff like that, because, sadly,
I have never met him in person.
I was trying to decide between
this hat and his jar of coins.
Collector coins?
Nope, just change from his pocket.
I'll stick with the hat.
I'm a hat guy now.
So, it must've been, uh, really hard
going through all of Monty's stuff.
Um, yeah, but it's helping me process.
I even think I am ready to
spread Monty's ashes.
- I-I'd be happy to join.
- Oh!
Me, too.
- Anything you need.
- I appreciate it.
- How about tomorrow?
- Oh.
So I don't have time to back out.
Yeah, count me in. It's a date.
I-I mean, a very solemn date.
♪
I can't believe that you go
to the zoo with your children
and don't come home with an animal.
Well, we just go to look at them.
Your life is so strange.
- [GASPS] Hi!
- BEN: Hey!
Ben, I didn't know you were here!
Ugh, don't even with that dress
and those shoes right now.
- What?!
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, can I write it off?
That depends. Did you write
about those shoes?
I mean, I can. Right, Lexi?
Oh, you know I don't read the paper.
- Do whatever you want.
- [SQUEALS]
Lexi, this is my husband, Ben.
Oh! The Ben!
I heard that your sperm is
the more powerful swimmers
of the two of you.
Congratulations.
Thank you?
What she's trying to say is we're so excited
for your surrogacy
and you two becoming dads.
That's actually just
what we were talking about.
We'll be ready to go
once Dennis picks the egg donor,
- which is happening today.
- LEXI: Ah.
- Right, babe?
- Absolutely.
Ben thought it would be a good idea
for me to pick the egg donor
because we're using his swimmers.
You know, I once let my husband, Tanner,
choose a song on Spotify.
He felt very empowered.
I can already tell
I'm gonna be obsessed with you.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm. See you tonight.
Egg-solutely.
Because, by then, I will have
picked out an egg.
[CHUCKLES] All right, bye-bye.
I will not
- have picked an egg by then!
- [SAM GASPS] Just to be clear,
we're talking about the human woman
that houses said egg, right?
Whatever. What are you, my OB-GYN?
I've been riddled with indecision
about this whole thing, and
if I don't pick someone soon,
then Ben is gonna think that
I'm not fit to be a father,
and then he'll go with someone
else who's decisive like he is
and knows exactly the egg
that he wants to fertilize.
Look, I'm sure your indecisiveness
is one of the many reasons he loves you.
[CHUCKLES] Aww. No!
It's one of our issues.
Ben's as confident as his sperm.
Mom friends
I need your help.
Say no more. You had me
at "confident" and "sperm."
Let's go make a baby.
- Hell yes.
- [LAUGHS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Today's the day.
There's no turning back,
because I'm already here.
Are you planning on spreading
the ashes in a bowling alley?
'Cause I'm not sure if that's legal,
and don't get me started
on wearing public shoes.
What?
Oh, no. This is Monty.
I keep him in an urn
in his favorite bowling bag.
How many bowling bags does he have?
Two.
My weed is in the other one.
All right.
Okay, so, snacks are packed,
bladders are empty.
Let's get this show on the road.
So where are we going? Is it hat weather?
Trick question.
It's always hat weather,
when you look this good.
Well, I have a trick answer,
because I have no idea where we're going.
I'm trying to find the right spot,
but I'm I'm having a hard time deciding.
However, I have narrowed it down.
Wow. May I?
This is, um, looooong.
Why is this nerd wearing my hat?
Monty! M-Monty
[CLEARS THROAT]
would love how thorough this list is.
Ooh, are we getting high and going bowling?
You know, um, I'm gonna just
I'm gonna quickly go to my bedroom
and get my phone charger.
I'll, uh I'll be right back.
[GASPS] Oh!
So, listen, the bowling bag?
- MONTY: Mm-hmm?
- That's you.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
So where's Cricket keeping her weed?
She got that covered. I need your help.
So, Cricket is finally ready
to spread your ashes.
The only problem is
that she doesn't know
where the right spot is,
and she's got a list
that's gonna take us weeks to get through.
I mean, I saw a Chipotle parking lot
in Chatsworth on there.
MONTY: [LAUGHS] Yes.
That was the first time we were
fined for public indecency.
Yeah, also, I bet Lamps Plus
is on there, too.
Okay, can we focus?
Yes.
I know exactly where I want my ashes spread.
- Uh-huh?
- In the valleys of Ojai.
That's where I saw the most
gorgeous sunset of my life.
And you know me,
I-I don't believe a lot
in that woo-woo stuff, but
- NELL: Mm-hmm?
- [SIGHS]
I kind of felt like
I was at one with the universe.
- Hmm.
- So, you gotta tell her, Nell.
Oh, no. It wasn't on the list.
Well, then, put it on the list.
I can't just add things to the list.
I mean, she's gonna wonder
why I'm suggesting it.
Yeah, then I'm gonna have to tell her
about the whole speaking-to-ghosts thing.
Well, maybe it's time you did.
No way. If I tell her
and she doesn't believe me,
she's gonna think I'm crazy,
and then if she does believe me,
she's gonna think
I'm a terrible person for not telling her
that I'm friends with her dead husband.
It's a lose-lose for me.
Well, what if I spend the rest of eternity
at a Golf N' Stuff on Lankershim?
You had sex at a putt-putt?
No! What? It was our third date.
Get your head out of the gutter.
Oh, you started this.
- [ACTION FIGURE WARBLING]
- I Am I thinking too small?
What about Chicago?
Monty always loved Chicago.
EDWARD: Love the city. Hate the pizza.
It's like an above-ground pool
filled with marinara sauce.
So, um So, Cricket,
have you ever considered
spreading Monty's ashes in Ojai?
- Listen, Ojai is nice.
- NELL: Yeah.
But Monty and I, we traveled
to lots of nice places over the years.
There's a lot of parking lots on this list.
Yeah, there are.
I just thought he might like it.
- I got it!
- Oh.
- I know where we need to go.
- Great. Where?
- My psychic.
- Oh, brother.
CRICKET: You might think this sounds crazy,
but Miss Cassandra can speak to the dead.
That sounds insane.
This should be fun.
DENNIS: Okay, here are my
top choices for egg donors.
Oh! I was expecting uggos. Brava.
Lexi, this is about more than just looks.
But, damn, your babies
are gonna be looking foine.
Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, here is Elise.
Wow. She seems really promising.
And she graduated summa cum
laude from Carnegie Mellon?
Yes, but she has a degree in math.
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
No, you don't want some weird math baby
vomiting their beautiful mind
- all over your pristine windows.
- SAM: Mm.
Right. Right, right!
Plus, Ben already has math in his sperm.
Two plus two equals no.
[LAUGHS] Okay, next.
- This is Chandra.
- Hm.
- Hm.
- She has a degree in sociology,
she speaks five languages,
and obviously has perfectly arched brows.
She seems great.
- Get that egg!
- Yes!
Um, minor red flag.
I went through her social media,
and I couldn't find
one picture with an "I Voted" sticker.
Seriously? Well, Chandra,
those perfectly plucked eyebrows
have revealed
that you have no moral backbone.
Yes. Yes, because everybody
here absolutely votes.
- Next!
- This is Diane.
Oh, I already see the problem.
- She has perfect teeth.
- Uh, no, she's
SAM: Oh, they're headgear straight.
Mm-hmm. You do not want
to commit to a lifetime
- of orthodontia.
- But what I was gonna
And she went to one of those universities
where you get to make up your major
- and you get graded in acorns?
- LEXI: No.
- But she has great
- No, ma'am. Not today.
- No, thank you.
- Pass!
Who's next?
That's it. That's That's all I had.
I honestly kinda thought
that last one was pretty good,
but, uh but, no,
you guys are probably right
about the teeth.
It's fine, I'll start over.
It took months to find these,
but I'm sure I'll find somebody by tonight.
[LAUGHS UNEASILY] Where's the door?
- DENNIS: Used to be a door here.
- SAM: Here we go.
- DENNIS: Was here.
- SAM: Here we go, just
- It's right here.
- Thank you, ladies.
SAM: Mm-hmm.
♪
♪
Cricket, do you know how many times
genuine psychic phenomena has been verified
by scientific data?
- Not a once.
- Edward.
- Yes, ma'am?
- Shut up.
Copy.
- [SIGHS]
- You really believe
that people can talk to the dead?
- I do.
- Yeah.
A-And you don't think they're crazy?
And they might even be kinda cool,
like somebody that you'd wanna
have drinks with,
or go to the farmers' market with,
or do yoga with, and all that kind of stuff?
I-I'm just so new to all this.
Oh, the way I see it, I don't
have to prove it or disprove it
to know that it's meaningful to me.
- Hmm.
- Honey, there are times
when I can smell Monty
as if he's standing right behind me.
Whoa, that's a fancy crapper.
A lot of shell soap.
Does anyone else find it concerning
that all of this is for sale?
Because I'm picking up on some strong
going-out-of-business vibes.
[SIGHS] Sorry to keep y'all waiting.
- Hi!
- Hi.
Okay, Cricket, you know the drill.
I'm gonna ask that
we all sit and hold hands.
- I'm gonna stand.
- Fine.
And where should I stand
so that she'll see me, huh?
Should Oh, should I breathe on her neck?
Would that be helpful,
or is that kind of creepy?
I'm getting a very strong presence.
A short-haired, older male,
possibly athletic.
That's me.
I used to get drunk at the golf course.
A tennis player? I'm getting tennis.
Or maybe on the tennis court.
And drool. Lots of drool.
What is this, a roast?
Hmm. It's not a human presence at all.
He loved walks.
And he's a very good boy.
It's Buster.
My childhood golden retriever.
He loved tennis balls.
The only thing is
he wasn't a very good boy.
He was the very best boy.
What's Buster doing now?
Can we energetically throw him
a couple tennis balls or something?
Before we commune with your dog,
as the woman whose credit card
is still on file,
are you feeling anything from Monty?
Like where I should spread his ashes?
- Ojai!
- Monty is showing me elements
Earth, wind, fire
No, that's a band.
Mm, it's coming to me.
It's water, isn't it?
- It is.
- Yes!
- I knew it. It's the beach.
- The beach?!
I haven't worn shorts since 1972!
I've been thinking about this little spot,
but I just wanted
to make sure that I was right.
Well, it isn't. I hate the beach.
Monty thinks the beach is perfect.
Oh, great.
I'm gonna spend the rest of eternity
with sand in my butt crack.
♪
[DENNIS HUMMING]
Bobby, baby, we're out of time ♪
[HUMMING] Phone rings, door chimes ♪
In comes company ♪
No strings, good times,
room hums, company ♪
- Ahh!
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Aren't these pineapple
cottage cheese doubles
the perfect snickety-snack?
Mm, I love them. I feel like a
Like a milkmaid on a Hawaiian vacation.
God, I love Hawaii. Well, except for the
- Huge turtles.
- huge turtles.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Well, look at the two of you
getting to know each other.
[SQUEALS] So, Dennis, what do you think?
Wouldn't she make the perfect egg donor?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Uh, wait, did you two?
We searched high and low to find someone
who shares all of your personality traits,
even your propensity
for nervous questioning.
I-I don't do that, do I?
Oh, my God, do I?
[GASPS] She's perfect,
and she'll contribute all
the things that make you you.
Well, except her maternal great-grandfather
did have a challenged hairline.
I've never seen my great-grandfather.
- Can I have the photo?
- No, you don't want it.
But, look, we can futz with it.
With science, you can
genetically engineer, I mean,
almost any part of a baby.
- Eye color, hair
- No, no, no. No, no.
- Stop talking, stop talking.
- No. No.
I-I don't want to Build-A-Bear my child.
Then what are we even doing here?
- I don't know.
- Hey.
Look, no matter what you do,
that kid is gonna be exactly
who that kid's gonna be.
Take Tilly, for example.
All Keith and I want
is for her to watch The Bachelor with us,
and all she wants to do is read.
- It is very disappointing.
- LEXI: Yeah.
So, at the end of the day,
it's all a crap shoot,
so you just have to trust your gut.
My gut says that all of this is wrong.
Not the pineapple with dairy,
that's beautiful.
The Everything else.
And I want no part in it.
♪
You know what? I'm gonna
I'm gonna buy one of
those crystals for 30 bucks,
so I'll just meet you in the car.
I'll be right out. Okay.
One last thing, Miss Cassandra,
if that is even your real name.
Don't you feel bad, huh?
Just swindling vulnerable people
out of their money
by pretending that you talk to ghosts?
Is this Ghost Hunters again?
Because you're legally supposed to tell me
if this is Ghost Hunters.
I know for a fact that
you do not talk to dead people
and you were not just
talking to Monty right now.
[SCOFFS] First of all,
you ruined my Hot Pocket.
Secondly, of course I don't talk to ghosts.
Right. Yeah, yeah.
Because only crazy people talk to ghosts.
But what I told Cricket was not wrong.
My job is to reflect back to people
what they already know inside
but are too scared to admit to themselves.
That is a fancy way of saying "a fake."
Like you.
You have a secret that you not only
will not tell your friends,
you can't face it yourself.
[SPLUTTERS]
Pfft! Ha.
NELL: Well, that can apply to anybody.
Not me. I'm hell a at peace.
Oh!
Fine!
What if I did? What if you were right?
What if I did have a secret
that I m-might be holding,
and then what would you say to that,
all-knowing one?
Why are you asking me?
You don't believe in me.
But maybe it's time for you
to tell your friends,
like Cricket.
Damn, you are good.
I know. That's how I afford
the high-end Pockets.
[CRUNCH]
♪
[BRAKES SQUEAK]
So we're happy with this parking job?
Yeah.
Nell, we're running out of time.
This is your last chance before
you're stuck with your secrets,
- and I become fish poop.
- Cricket?
- Hmm?
- Cricket, yeah, um, are you
really sure that this is the right spot?
I have seen TikToks
where seagulls grab sandwiches
out of people's hands here.
Like, ugh. You know?
And And look, metered parking?
They don't even take cards?
That is just gonna be a hassle, you know,
having to bring quarters every time.
Ohhh. That was a sign.
- [COINS RATTLE]
- I have Monty's coins.
I guess my old choices
are coming back to haunt me.
I'll be right back.
[CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Nell, what's going on with you?
Are you upset that
Miss Cassandra won't contact
your childhood three-legged cat
that you won't shut up about?
Don't be ridiculous. This
isn't about Princess Tripod.
Well, why are you trying
to talk Cricket out of it?
Clearly, she's happy with this choice.
Because this is not the right spot, okay?
I just know it isn't.
- [CAR DOOR OPENS]
- CRICKET: All right.
- Cricket?
- CRICKET: Hmm?
- Hey, um
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
There's something I wanna tell you,
and I know that this sounds
Cricket, why do you think
this is the right spot?
Well, uh
After Monty died, I hated
being home without him,
so I'd just drive around.
And, um, one day, I ended up here,
and I watched the sunset and cried.
I came back for every sunset for weeks.
NELL: Hmm.
And then, one day, I came
and I heard music playing
from the the restaurant down the beach.
And it sounded joyful, and it sounded fun.
It sounded like Monty. [CHUCKLES]
And for the first time,
instead of crying, I smiled.
That's how I want to feel
when I think about him.
You'd think by now,
I would've learned never to doubt
a woman named Cricket.
- Cricket?
- Hm?
Miss Cassandra was right.
This is the spot that
Monty would have wanted.
I just I just know it.
Yeah.
EDWARD: So we are parking in two spots.
Dennis? Do you have a second?
We brought you someone.
N-No No more egg donors,
please. I-I can't.
You don't need your mom friends today.
There will be plenty of times
you'll need our advice,
but today is not one of them.
But I want to stay.
[WHISPERING] Alexis, we discussed this.
- Okay, fine.
- Let's go.
I heard you freaked, Denny.
It's been a rough day, Benny.
I'm sorry I put extra pressure on you.
I thought it was important
for you to pick the egg donor
so we could each have a little
bit of ourselves in the baby.
Yeah, but that's just it.
You know, I-I think we've been so focused
on how much of you is in the baby
and how much of me is in the baby,
we forgot about the baby.
I went through a database
of thousands of women,
trying to pick the perfect one,
but children come out how they are.
So why go through all this
if there's one out there who already is
and who needs us?
What if
instead of surrogacy, we adopt?
Denny, I don't care how we become parents.
The only thing that matters is that
I get to become a parent with you.
And take the tax deduction.
Right. Yes, of course.
Come here. I love you.
I love you, too.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
[SIGHS] You're so weird!
And we're gonna adopt!
[WOMEN SHRIEKING, LAUGHTER]
[VAN MORRISON'S "INTO THE MYSTIC" PLAYING]
♪
You know, I forgot that today was all about
Cricket having her moment.
You know, I've been
just thinking about myself
and our past together.
I wasn't thinking about
her future without me.
Yeah.
We were born before the wind ♪
Yeah, I got wrapped up in my own stuff, too.
- Mm-hmm.
- If I'd have told her
I talked to you, she would've held onto that
and wouldn't have been able to move on.
But you were finally ready
to tell her about all this.
Now, does that mean you think it's real?
- Or do you think you're crazy?
- [CHUCKLES]
You know, I learned from
a wise and intuitive woman,
I don't need to prove or disprove anything
to know that it's meaningful to me.
Smell the sea ♪
Hmm.
Well, I'm just sorry you didn't
get to tell your friend.
That's not true.
I told you, Monty.
Aww.
Into the mystic ♪
Well, kiddo, if you're ever looking for me,
you know where to find me.
When that fog horn blows ♪
[EXHALES DEEPLY] It's really pretty, Monty.
I will be coming home ♪
Mm-mmm ♪
Yeah, when the fog horn blows ♪
I wanna hear it ♪
Bye, Monty.
I don't have to fear it ♪
And I wanna rock your gypsy soul ♪
What's Buster doing now?
I bet you he's laying down or napping.
[CHUCKLES] Or rubbing
his butt on the carpet.
Buster is sending me a message
that he wants you to stop
checking in on him.
That doesn't sound like Buster.
That's funny, because
I'm the one hearing him,
and Buster is very clearly saying
that he wants you to stop coming here,
particularly between the hours
of 7:00 and 8:00 A.M.,
when Good Morning America is on.
Buster always loved Good Morning America.
- You need to leave.
- Before I go
[CHUCKLES]
That was me throwing him
one last tennis ball.
I know.