Orange Is the New Black s01e09 Episode Script

Why aren't you at work? Luschek never showed.
Probably passed out in his own vomit somewhere.
So you chose to come in here and help? Yeah.
Figured you could use it.
Then get your ass off my counter and help Gina pull the turkeys out of the freezer.
Shit, we got real turkey this year! We got trimmings from the factory.
Trimmings? Jesus.
The shit no one else wants.
That's a bag of turkey assholes right there.
The whole meal has to come in at $1.
05 a prisoner.
Taxpayers don't give a shit if it's a holiday.
We're the bad guys.
Pig-fucker.
Brown the onions for the gravy.
That too hot, baby? No, it's perfect.
I feel so good.
"Frequent blinking may actually be a way for your brain to rest while you're awake.
" Wakeful rest? You okay, honey? It's just being touched by another person.
- I get it.
- Thanks.
The body gets lonely in here.
Yeah.
It's not even sex, you know? I just I miss contact.
Human beings aren't supposed to live like this.
I've been in almost two years and there's still nights I reach out for my wife.
You know, I was thinking about you guys.
And I was imagining what I would do if Larry told me that he wanted to be a woman.
I'd like to think that I would be open to it, but it would just be so weird.
I'm sorry, is that totally rude? No.
It's fine.
He would make such an ugly girl.
Is he coming to visit you today? First holiday in prison can be rough.
Very emotional.
But she's gonna be fine, 'cause we about to make some Heidi Klum shit happen right here.
That smells nasty.
What's it made of? You don't wanna know.
How did you learn all this? My aunt was a santera.
I used to help her out sometimes.
I dabble.
So what's gonna happen to me? You're gonna cramp up, some wicked diarrhea.
This shit ain't pretty.
You drink this, then you're gonna go out and dig a hole in the yard.
You're gonna make me shit in a hole? No.
You're gonna put this bean in there.
Then you're gonna find a cigarette, you're gonna blow some smoke in there, you're gonna cover it up with a mound of dirt.
And that's gonna have to do it, because I don't have any angelica or gris-gris oil.
Take it.
This is gonna kill it? Well, that's what you want, right? As long as it don't feel anything.
Please.
It don't even have a brain yet.
Hurry up, drink it.
That's hot! I told you it was, stupid.
Go ahead, drink it all.
Where my Snickers? You know, I pray for all the dead babies and all their baby souls.
And God, he's gonna let them into heaven, even though they weren't baptized.
- Are you getting all of this? - Yeah.
And you can also tell Judy that I pray for her as well.
Well, her name's Barbara.
- Barbara? - Barbara.
Damn! I can't keep all this fan mail straight.
I can't keep up with it.
What? You have fans? She's a hero.
She's a defender of the unborn.
Jeez, that sounds like a bad X-Men movie.
What'd you do, bomb an abortion clinic? And you can sign off with, "I will be out of here by 2015, "before the rapture.
" Oh, man.
Is something fucking funny to you? Yeah.
It's just that people predict the rapture all the time.
I mean, wasn't that supposed to happen in 2011? No.
It comes in two stages.
If you study your shit.
The first one was a spiritual rapture.
And the second one coming is a physical one.
I see.
- Okay? - Got it.
And you're not invited, because they don't allow gay people on the rapture bus! There's a bus? Are all the seats already taken by Appalachian meth-heads? Man, you're gonna You're just gonna get it, Vause, aren't you? Do we have to go back to the dryer? You already locked me in that fucking dryer.
Yeah, maybe I'll fucking turn it on this time.
Make you spin around like a gerbil.
Wanna know why? 'Cause I've had it with rich bitches like you.
Those are bobos! Real Adidas have three stripes, not four.
Your shoes are bobos.
So? So your mom shops at Payless.
And works at Friendly's.
My mom has, like, four jobs.
That's not something to brag about.
You dress like a bum.
She smells like one, too.
Do you guys live in that janky car? - Bye-bye, pigsty! - Bye-bye, pigsty! - Are those your friends? - No.
How was school? They changed the schedule around, so I don't gotta work nights no more.
Fucking Brenda keeps trying to get me to cover her shifts.
What are you doing? It's freezing out.
What the fuck was that? I'm not wearing those anymore.
They're bobos.
Go get 'em back.
Jessica Wedge says they're lame.
So fuck Jessica Wedge.
They all make fun of me.
They call me pigsty.
Did you tell them who your dad is? - I've never even met him.
- Well, you tell them.
You tell them, "My dad is Lee Burley, the drummer for Death Maiden.
" You see what those smug little bitches say then.
I mean, who are they? What? 'Cause their parents work at the college, they think they're all fucking fancy? You are the daughter of a rock god.
If he's so rich and famous, why are we so broke? You know how many girls used to scream at his concerts? You know, rip their clothes off? Throw themselves at him? But your dad chose me.
And together we made you.
Now go get your fucking sneakers.
Don't you listen to those smarty-pants assholes.
They're gonna have boring-ass lives.
They're gonna wish that they were you.
You are cool.
Listen up, turd-bags! We're gonna let you have your little going-away party, but do not make our lives more difficult afterwards by hanging yourself, with a sheet, or a tampon string, or whatever the fuck you like to get all arts and craftsy with.
No Thanksgiving suicides.
Chapman, what are we not to do on this day of thanks? Commit suicide? Exactly.
We are the Pilgrims, you bitches are the Indians.
This is the holiday where we cooperate.
Yes.
We bring you maize, and you give us small pox blankets.
Exactly.
Everybody wins.
- You look like JonBen?t Ramsey.
- Well, that's what I was going for.
- Can you hold this for me? - Yeah.
Did you make this? It's my second attempt.
I spelled it wrong the first time.
And they say you went to college.
God, I hate seeing people go.
It reminds me how much time I have left.
Yeah.
But think of the story that you'll have.
That is my line.
I know it is.
You always trot it out in times of suckiness.
Yeah.
Like that stomach virus I had in Java.
It was a great fucking story.
The whole village came out to watch you poop.
So maybe this is kind of like that.
Yo, yo, she coming, y'all! Taystee! Taystee, Taystee, Taystee! I'm getting out, bitches! Yeah.
Fight the power! Fuck the man! Hey! Watch it.
Hey, yo, come here.
Girl, you my shawty.
Cut it out.
You scrubby little hood rats gonna make a bitch cry.
I'll miss you, bitch.
Yeah, girl.
- My God, do you remember this? - Yes.
I don't even know how the arms go.
I think What the fuck? Shit, these white girls trying to throw down.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, girl! Shake that ass.
That's lesbian activity.
It sure is.
White girls gone wild.
Oh, my gosh.
They're sexing, Mr.
Healy.
I seen it.
This morning, in the bathroom, one girl's face was all up in the other one's hoo-ha.
It was so nasty.
- It's an abomination.
- Okay, enough.
They were moaning and everything.
Speaking in tongues, like it's some kind of revival.
Who? Who are you talking about? Vause and Chapman.
Chapman? Chapman.
She a lesbian.
They lesbianing together.
They're in there right now in front of everyone, dancing all up on each other.
Show me.
Chapman! Get over here.
Party's over.
- We were just - Shut your mouth, Chapman.
You think it's appropriate to violate your fellow inmate? - Violate? We were just dancing - I said shut your mouth! You asked me a question.
That looked like attempted rape to me.
Take her to SHU.
What? You can't do that.
Yeah, she's kind of right.
Shut up, Mendez! You know, I'm tired of your shit.
I'm your superior fucking officer! Now, you put her in the goddamn box, or I will fucking write you up, too! No, no, no, no.
- She didn't even do anything.
- Step back! Or I will cite you for assaulting an officer.
I have visitation today.
Larry's coming to see me.
- You can't do this.
- It's all right.
- Let's do what the man says - Please don't do this to me.
before he has an aneurysm.
Come on.
- Please don't do this.
- Come on! Give me a shotgun! Give me a motherfucking shotgun, motherfucker! This is you.
How long am I gonna be in here? Till we let you out.
So tomorrow's the day.
My cousin was supposed to send me my dress-out pack, but it never came.
Now I gotta wear the same shit I came in here with.
Man, it's gonna be too tight.
Man, you can walk out of here in a garbage bag, you'll still be dancing all the way to the bus.
I'm scared.
Nothing out there gonna be scarier than this shit.
Shit, I been in institutions my whole life.
I was a ward of the state till I was 16.
Then juvie.
I got no skills.
Well, now you're just lying.
You've worked in that law library for two years.
You know more than my public defender.
Yeah, but out there, you need real school for that stuff.
No one's gonna take me serious.
You're a smart girl.
You like to play the clown, but you've got a lot to offer this world.
This is not a life, Taystee.
Yo, listen to Voodoo Mambo, yo.
Hey, yo, you think you just having What they call it? That thing that happens to animals in captivity where it changes they brains? I seen it at the Bronx Zoo once.
This giraffe ate its own vomit, banged its head up against the bars.
'Cause it ain't fit to live in the wild no more.
Don't know how to eat leaves.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm the giraffe.
Fuck no, you ain't.
Giraffes skinny.
Look at that ass.
Yo, don't let 'em get to you, T.
This ain't where it's at.
Jed and Lane are flying in from Chicago tonight with the kids.
Will Grammie be there? Grammie's gonna stay in North Carolina.
She's got a boyfriend.
No shit! Suzanne.
Sorry, language.
I know I'm a mess.
I've been cooking at the soup kitchen at church.
Sweet potato casserole? Yeah, I'm a one-trick pony.
See, you're back at church.
I told you, people will get over it.
Well, there's a new pastor.
He's been really welcoming.
Very nice.
He introduced me to a money manager, who gave me some free advice on how to talk to the bank.
And he's sweet with Michael.
Eva stopped by the salon.
She's pregnant.
You know, she's been trying for a long time.
You like him? This pastor? He's a good man.
That's not what I'm asking.
I'm not gonna talk about this.
It's Thanksgiving.
Well, I wanna talk about it.
What do you want me to say? That I met someone and I'm interested? That I'm lonely and I miss men? When you went away, you told me I know what I said.
Baby, I don't want some strange man around my son, my wife.
Well, we don't always get what we want now, do we? - What about your hair? - Mommy! I happen to like my hair like this.
Hi.
- Here to see Chapman? - Yep.
You two are such a cute couple.
She's the cute one.
I'm like her furry sidekick.
Actually, you can't see her today.
Why not? She's had some privileges revoked.
- She's in the Security Housing Unit.
- The what? Solitary? She's in solitary? What did she do? I'm sorry, I can't tell you that.
I don't This is ridiculous! I need to speak with your manager, or your superior, whoever the fuck is in charge here, please! Please don't swear at me.
I can give you a number to call Is she okay? Can't I just see her for a minute? I mean, it's a holiday, for God's sake.
Okay, can you at least give my phone number to her counselor, Mr.
Healy? Okay? And have him call me? Right away, he needs to call me right away.
- I'm not allowed to - Please.
Please.
- I guess, maybe.
- Thank you.
Thank you! Do you have Can I - I'll pass it along.
- Okay.
And if you see Piper, will you tell her that I love her? Okay? And to call me.
Have her call me.
And also that I love her.
Okay.
Happy Thanksgiving, Mr.
Bloom.
- Motherfucker! - Shut up! Motherfucker.
I'll kill you, motherfucker.
I'll kill all you motherfuckers! I'm gonna kill myself if I can't get out of here.
My brother, Donny, shot a turkey last year, but it weren't really a turkey.
It was a fucking bald eagle.
But he still shoved a Coors Light up the damn thing's ass and put it on the grill.
And proceeded to eat it.
And when the ranger walked up, he had the bird hanging out of his mouth.
He took his ass right to jail.
And now he's in Federal, in Virginia.
Did it taste like chicken? No, it tasted like an eagle.
- Was your brother smoking tina? - He snorts Oxy now.
Fuck you.
What the Get the The fuck! Thanks for last night, baby.
That shit was amazing.
Nobody's ever licked my pussy like that.
You are lying! I would never touch this bitch! Hey, knock it off! You wanna join your friend down the hill? You know, you're going to hell! And you're gonna burn there for the entire eternity! - I'm already there.
- Have a seat.
Taste it, Norma.
What did I tell you? It's damn near perfect.
Ladies! Listen up! It's time to leave.
Let's go! Everybody out, except for you.
You can stay.
Let's go, Silent Bob.
That means you, too.
Come on.
It's okay, I'll take over.
Attagirl.
Where's my shit, Red? I don't know what you're talking about.
Really? Are you gonna make me look through every box in here? How'd you do it? You stopped the truck? Maybe.
Or maybe I got it from one of your girls.
My girls wouldn't tell you shit.
You want your pills? You can go stick your head in the toilet.
There might be a few still floating around.
You listen to me, you crazy cunt! The next time my shipment comes in, you're gonna put it to the side, top shelf, in the walk-in.
Tricia's in detox.
I hear Caputo's looking for her source.
What would he think of your little operation? You mean, your operation? All the contraband comes through your kitchen.
Looks like we're at a Cold War stand-off, Ruskie.
And I got a bigger weapon than you.
You wanna see it? Just a little something extra for the holidays.
Next time you fuck with my stash, I'll end your life.
Hello? Hi! Yes, hi.
Hello, I am trying to reach the Executive Assistant or the Assistant Warden, please.
Sir, it's after duty hours.
Okay.
Yes.
Look my wife is in the solitary unit.
Okay? She's being held there illegally.
Now, my father is a lawyer, I know her rights.
It's a holiday, sir.
Exactly! That's exactly right! I know it's a holiday.
That's what makes this so outrageous.
You can call back on Monday Would you please listen to me? Sir, please.
Listen to me.
I have left messages for the Associate Warden, for the Public Information's Officer, for the Department of Corrections, for the fucking Governor's office.
Okay? If I don't get a call back from somebody soon, you people are gonna have a fucking lawsuit on your hands.
Now Hello, you have reached the Federal Correctional Institution in Litchfield.
God! Fuck! Dude, that was really dramatic.
You know how much Piper loves Thanksgiving.
- It is her favorite.
- Yeah, I don't know why.
Had to wear a suit jacket.
Fucking toxic.
You've been to Thanksgiving with my parents.
Yeah, no, I know, it's horrible.
She loves our Thanksgivings.
In your parents' apartment? They go to South Beach.
They have gravy boats.
A maid comes and cleans up in the morning.
Come on.
They won't mind me using these awesome tchotchkes for my table-scape, will they? We have to cancel.
We have to cancel.
You have to cancel the whole thing.
Cal, I can't host people here, all right? Not under these circumstances.
All right? It does not feel right.
No, yeah, you're right, man.
We should cancel.
We'll cancel.
We'll cover the mirrors, sit shivah.
It's what your people do, right? It's when someone dies, Cal.
She's not dead.
Exactly.
Look, I love my sister, dude.
But she got herself sent to the hoosegow.
And now she's clearly pulled some other shit to get herself into even more trouble.
You have done everything that you can do.
And Piper would love the fact that you're throwing Thanksgiving, our friends are coming, the maid is coming tomorrow.
And I've spent my entire life-savings on this, this marvelous turkey.
She'd want us to celebrate.
I'm sure she's fine.
Chapman? Mr.
Healy? How are you? I'm in a cement box and people are screaming.
You needed a little time-out to think about your behavior.
My what? I was dancing.
Provocatively.
Sexually.
Gay sexually.
This is illegal.
You can't keep me in here.
See, there's where you're wrong.
Chapman, I tried to be nice to you, because I understand where you come from.
You don't know me.
I thought we could be friends.
You're not yourself lately.
You're acting out.
So you're teaching me a lesson? You should be thanking me.
Alex Vause is sick.
I get you.
You're not like her.
The only sicko here is you.
And under different circumstances, what? I'd be your girlfriend? Is that it? Did I make you jealous? You put me in this hellhole for no reason.
Wake up, Healy! Girls like me? We don't fuck ignorant, pretentious old men with weird lesbian obsessions! We go for tall, hot girls, and we fucking love it! So that leaves you on the outside, living your sad, sad little life.
You don't get me! Ever! So go fuck yourself! Happy Thanksgiving, Chapman.
Where's my mattress? Where the fuck is my mattress? What did you do to it? Fucking crackhead.
My bunkie stole my mattress.
Yeah.
And? It's gone.
It's not there.
Then how do you know it was stolen? Because it's not on my bed, and she and her hick friend have been fucking with me.
I need a new one.
Okay, we issue one mattress per inmate.
You can fill out a form.
It'll take a couple weeks to replace it.
And what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Sleep on the frame? It's probably good for you.
A hard surface aligns the vertebrae.
Your body will thank you.
Excuse me.
Who are you? I'm Alex.
I'm your daughter.
Holy shit.
How'd you find me? Well, I saw the show.
And then the manager sent me back here.
You saw that shit? That was embarrassing.
We can't even fill a fucking basement anymore.
If one more jerk-off asks me to play Dirty Girl I wish I had never written that fucking song.
It is a great song.
That is still a great song.
Shut up, Lonnie.
We're supposed to be in Philly, but Jimmy over here punched the booking agent in the neck.
I can't believe you're my kid, man! You're my kid! I'm so happy to see you.
Yeah.
Me, too.
'Cause I would've never recognized you in a million years.
And you got a serious rack on you, too.
I mean, I could have accidentally fucked her, right? But that would have been bad.
No.
Seriously, that's twisted.
I didn't say that.
Is there a bathroom? - Is there a bathroom? - It's down there.
Right.
Thank you.
Her rack? That would've been fucked up.
Wow.
Her fucking rack.
Jesus, you scared me.
You okay? I'm fine.
I'm just gonna go home.
He's not what you thought.
It's fucking depressing.
Been imagining this moment your whole life? I had this white fringe pleather jacket I always thought I'd wear if I ever met him.
Nice, pleather.
What happened? You're right.
Maybe that would've made the difference.
Most people are better in the abstract.
It's Alex, right? Yeah.
Fahri.
You want a bump? No, thanks.
Smart girl.
Fahri, what are you doing hanging out with these losers? They're my clients.
What do you do? I work for an international drug cartel.
Right.
Will you get Gloria? I'm dying.
You're not dying.
Here.
Serves you right for drinking some stupid potion from some half-assed santera.
- Who told you? - She told me.
So I told her to give you some roots and berries.
Make you shit your brains out and learn your lesson.
So the tea was bullshit? It's not gonna work? You think I'm gonna let you ice my grandbaby? You want me to end up like you? I'm already in prison.
All I need is five different baby daddies and an ass tattoo of a dog.
It's a wolf.
Daya, I made mistakes, okay? I didn't have nobody teaching me what to do.
Get away from me.
- Maybe I'm not the mother of the year - You think? But at least I put something into this world that could still be good.
I made something.
I fucked up my own life, but Eva, Lucy and Christina, Emiliano, even you could still be something.
Babies give you hope.
Fuck.
Oh, my God.
There's mold.
There's mold on the bologna.
Oh, my God.
I found a maggot.
Hello? Is someone there? Are you real? Yes.
Yes, I'm real.
Are you real? I don't know.
I'm gonna take a bus all the way to the Bronx.
Right to Angelo's Pizza and I'm gonna get a giant slice with the works.
But just one, because after, we're gonna have a big old Thanksgiving at my cousin, Neicey, house, and we probably gonna go out dancing at the Monte Carlo Room, and I'ma order a Sex on the Beach with 10 maraschino cherries in it.
And some man gonna buy it for me.
Well, that sounds like a plan.
You know, ain't no one on the outside gonna do my 'do for a can of Pepsi.
Which you still owe me, by the way.
Jefferson, they're releasing you now.
Van's leaving.
Right now? I gotta say my goodbyes.
It's a holiday.
COs wanna go home and see their families.
If you don't go now, you're not getting out till Monday.
Let's go.
Yo! Where's Poussey at? Jefferson! Now.
What the fuck? What the fuck? They already took her? I didn't even say goodbye.
Taystee! Yo! Tays! She can't hear you.
- Hello? - Hello! - Hello! - Hi! Come in, new family.
Hello, happy Thanksgiving.
- Your parents have a nice place.
- Yeah.
- Cal! - Hi.
- Hi.
Do you know Pete? - No.
And this is Finn.
Wow.
He looks like Steve Buscemi.
Congratulations, man.
Gotta wash your hands first.
Isn't that just to touch the baby? And to touch me, too.
Polly's being a total nutter.
If it were up to Pete, he'd let him suck on the bottom of his shoe.
I hope you guys don't mind, but we brought a stray.
- Larry, this is our friend, Maury.
- Hi.
Yeah, Maury Kind.
I'm sorry, you're not a stray.
You're Maury Kind from NPR! - Guilty.
- Oh, my God, I love you.
I love your show.
I mean, I love I love you.
- Thank you.
- Wow.
- Back off, Larry.
- Sorry, sorry.
- Where should we put our stuff? - Put it in the kitchen, follow me.
You come meet my girlfriend! Don't get in her way, Cal! She's got an angry, red vagina and she's been drinking rum punch since 10:00 a.
m.
Thank God we pumped.
I cannot believe you brought Maury Kind.
Yeah, I'm mixing sound on Urban Tales.
He's going through a divorce, so I invited him.
- I didn't know you'd geek out so hard.
- You know, I'd love to talk to him.
Well, it'd be weird if you didn't.
Besides, he read your "Modern Love" column and loved it.
Stop it.
Seriously? Holy shit.
- Your language.
- Sorry.
What an asshole.
I cannot believe people like him are even allowed to work here.
They take these insecure, and frustrated men and they put them in charge of a bunch of powerless women and they become these predatory creeps.
I mean, all of that condescending "I know what's best for you" bullshit.
You can rage, but they always win.
They're the ones with the keys.
How long have you been down here? I've lost track.
I don't know.
Nine months? A year? A year? That's insane.
They keep the lights on, so you lose all sense of time.
It's not living.
I mean, yeah, you're breathing, but you ain't a person no more.
It's bad.
You start to see shit that ain't there.
You start to hear voices.
Oh, my God.
They keep you here till they break you.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Why did I do that? Why did I say those things? He's never going to let me out of here.
I am so fucking stupid.
I am so fucking stupid! What's wrong with me? You still there? I swear to God that if they let me out of here I will shut up.
I will shut up and I will put my head down and I will do my time and I'll smile at Healy and I won't go near her.
I won't even look at her.
I can do that.
I can do that.
I can.
Please.
Please don't leave me here.
Please.
Hey, Vause, I know you're not working, but can I get my bag? Yeah, just give me a sec.
What happened to your glasses? Smashed in the name of Jesus.
Shit.
Pennsatucky? Wow, you guys have released the kraken.
She's decided it's her Christian duty to annihilate me.
Because I'm a "privileged rich girl.
" Which is hilarious, because those types of girls tortured me my whole fucking life.
If you and I had met in fifth grade, you'd have made fun of my clothes.
Who, me? No, no, no, no.
I would never.
- You look terrific.
- Fuck! I know what you were like.
Upper West Side, doorman building, skiing in Jackson Hole.
Am I wrong? - Who told you that shit? - No one.
My business was built on sniffing out girls like you and turning 'em into drug mules.
I knew it.
You're a pimp.
Man, you would've been perfect.
Little Nicky at 19? I would've turned you out in two seconds.
I'd make a terrible mule.
I would've done all your drugs.
Besides, okay, what makes you think I would've fallen for your shit? Well, you grew up rich, so you're used to easy money.
You have enough stamps in your passport to avoid suspicion.
- You hate your parents.
- Yeah, totally.
You're in your experimental phase.
All you wanna do is fuck a woman or black guy, have some adventure and still be able to afford a Birkin bag.
Shit, I'm in! Fuck it.
You know me.
Sign me up.
Was that who Piper was? No, no, Piper was different.
Why? 'Cause you loved her? Because she was different.
Get some glue, pimp.
Fuck.
Crystal is in love with her pastor.
I'm not surprised.
A lot of women lust after their pastors, it's very common.
And pastors can do that.
Priests have to learn to bounce their eyes.
What's that? You never stay focused on a member of the opposite sex for too long.
That's how I watch every Russell Crowe movie.
She wants my blessing.
- Then you should give it to her.
- Why? I don't understand why she needs to have sex.
I mean, look at you.
I'm a nun, I took a vow.
She married a man with a penis, I assume because she wanted to use it occasionally.
How much time do you have left? Three years, eight months.
You got what you needed at a pretty big cost to your family.
This is what she needs.
Doesn't Crystal deserve some happiness? Let her go.
I can't.
It's the right thing to do.
Did you want some more sweet potatoes? So, Neri, what do you do? I'm a hyperbaric welder.
Yeah, I used to work on the pipelines, but now I just normal weld.
Isn't she a badass? We met when I was fabricating some sculptures.
I have so many burn scars, Cal and I are naming them.
Speaking of scars, how was it? The whole birth thing? Did you eat your placenta? No.
We passed on that.
It's really good for you.
Crazy nutrients.
People dehydrate it and make it into pills, but that's the expensive way.
I always just thought you could, like, scramble it up.
Just, like, put it in a pan with some salt and pepper.
It sounds gross, but possibly delicious.
Throw some sage in there, too.
Do you still have it? I don't.
Pete, you're dropping food on his head.
So, yeah, you know, we both decided to stick it out, you know.
I mean, it hasn't been easy, but, you know, relationships are not easy.
- Right? - Right.
Yeah.
Well, I thought your column was an interesting perspective.
- You know, the long-suffering husband.
- Fianc?.
I mean, I didn't really mean for it to come off that way.
No.
No, no, no, it was very entertaining.
- Thank you Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm a big fan of yours.
I mean - Well.
Yeah, I love your show and I was just listening to the one on road trips.
Cal, the turkey is amazing.
- It's perfectly cooked.
- Thanks, man.
It's a heritage bird.
Actually, Maury I was thinking that my story would work really well aloud.
- Right.
- You know, 'cause I consider myself a much better verbal storyteller.
- Right.
- You know, I don't know if you ever Cal, what is a heritage I'm sorry, what was that? Sorry.
No, I didn't know if you ever were open to maybe doing a prison episode.
You know, if you ever had guests like me on.
Yeah.
The thing is, if we wanted to document prison, we'd probably talk to actual inmates.
And if we were gonna do a story about someone whose loved one was in prison, we'd find a more representative example.
Cycle of poverty, that sort of thing.
Right.
Yeah, no, that I get That makes sense.
I get it.
But, you know, we are working on a show about unique long-distance relationships.
You know, a guy who works down on the ice every year, a pair of married missionaries.
Your story could be good on that.
- Really? - Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
I mean Wow, I would love that.
I mean, I would love to do that.
- Hey, toast! - Yes! - Toast.
- Cheers.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
Eye contact.
No gravy? Why is there no gravy? You complaining? No, ma'am.
No, no, no.
Come on, Little Boo.
Let's not complain.
I don't know why you threw it out.
I tried it.
It tasted great to me.
I'm thankful for my health, for my strong body and mind.
And for you girls, who remind me every day that self-forgiveness is possible.
I'm thankful that Taystee got the fuck out of this dump.
Yeah, I'll second that.
I'm thankful for my new bitch, Little Boo.
Sit, hooker.
Good girl.
There you go.
And, of course, I'm thankful for all y'all other bitches.
Do you wanna say grace, Sister? I trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding.
Amen.
Man, it sucks to get glasses replaced, you have to get someone on the outside to fill your prescription.
How blind are you? Blindish.
Bright side, you can't see the color of these potatoes.
It doesn't feel right to be eating while she's in there.
Straight girls.
They'll fuck you up every time.
Hey! Hey.
Did you get this loaf thing? Looks like three different dinners mushed together into a mound.
Are you looking at it? Hello? Can you hear me? Please tell me that you're still there.
You can't leave her in there.
I don't know what the hell she's doing in Seg in the first place.
Christ, even Mendez said it was uncalled for and that guy lives to throw people in the box.
- You're not my boss.
- Today I am.
Fig is on vacation.
And I am telling you I don't have the write-ups or the paperwork to support it.
She got under your skin, Sam.
This is personal.
She thinks she's running the place.
You don't have to tell me that.
Her fianc? is raising a stink bigger than the shit I took this morning.
Christ, he's probably got the Obamas on the phone by now.
These liberal, wealthy offenders, they're connected.
And if they review this, the paper trail is going to be sweaty.
So do us all a favor and get her out of there.
It's not even 48 hours.
Get her out of there.
I'm sorry you feeling like shit, chica, but I had to do it.
It's okay.
I'm relieved, actually.
I wanna keep it.
But I don't wanna get him in trouble, though.
Don't worry, nena.
We'll figure something out.
You're gonna have a baby.
I'm gonna be a grandmother.
Hello? An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you.
To accept the call, please press one.
Baby? It's me.
I'm just getting in the car.
I'll just take a minute.
I was wrong.
You do whatever you need to do.
You have my blessing.
Thank you.
Happy Thanksgiving.
You Josie's girl? My cousin, Neicey, told me I could stay here.
Neicey don't live here no more.
And I know she ain't your cousin.
We had the same foster family.
Look, I ain't getting my ass in trouble letting some ex-con stay in my house.
But I have to stay here.
This is the address I gave my supervisor.
The system gonna come check on me.
That ain't my problem.
I ain't got nowhere else to stay at.
Shit.
You can sleep in that corner.
On the floor.
Leave that mattress where it is.
'Cause I ain't having no rapey motherfuckers coming in off that fire-escape again.
And you're out in the morning, understand? Burset.
You gave me four.
Yeah, new doctor.
He said your chart was wrong.
So you're back to your old dosage.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Chapman! You're out.
Back to camp.
Mr.
Healy? Piper Chapman's fianc? came to visit while she was in lock-up.
And? He left his number, sir.
I'm sorry, I know that's against the rules, but he wanted to know why she was in SHU.
Okay.
Thank you.
I'll take that.
Hello? Hello, Mr.
Bloom? This is Counselor Healy from the Department of Corrections.
I have some information that might interest you regarding your fianc?e.
Holy shit, Chapman, you're out.
Oh, my God - Let's get out of here.
- Are you okay? What are we doing here?