Paradise PD (2018) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Where am I? Heaven? Pussyland? Heaven can go to hell! Shelley Long, star of TV's Cheers, as she looked in 1982, the year I learned to masturbate.
Is that you? Yes.
Everybody knows your name and we're always glad you came.
[sexy saxophone music.]
Fitz, wake up! It's me, Kevin! Aaagh! Wake up, Fitz, please! I know you can hear me.
You have an erection.
[as Fitz.]
It's no use, Kevin.
You put me in this coma, you little Brickleberry-looking bitch.
Fitz, that's a totally different show.
I feel terrible about what happened to you.
I don't think anything could ever make me feel better.
But I know how to cheer you up.
An old-timey Negro spiritual on the ukulele.
Wow, look at all these old pictures.
I didn't know those were in there.
Here's me, Mom and Dad playing Monopoly.
We'd call Dad Trump 'cause he'd bankrupt all his hotels.
Well, that, and the dementia.
And the racism.
And this was our best vacation ever, when we followed Insane Clown Posse on tour.
Honestly, that's the last time I was happy.
That's it.
It's time for me to put my family back together.
But first, I owe you that negro spiritual.
Camptown ladies sing this song Doo-dah, doo-dah Camptown races five miles long Oh da doo da day Ah, screw it.
I'm still going for it.
Good call, Fitz.
Oh! God damn it! Okay, jack off-icers, listen up! One of you turkeys needs to work security for the Paradise Thanksgiving Day parade.
Well, it can't be me.
I got to wear my Pilgrim costume and shake my little tushy on the police float.
All that dancing is so much fun! Fun? Last year, you had a heart attack, fell off the float, and landed on a family of four.
The baby survived.
And to make sure that ain't going to happen again, I got a full physical and I'll have you know, I passed with flying colors.
Flying coloreds? I knew this day would come.
Thank God I built this bunker.
Hey, they made you take a DNA test? Yeah, I was scared to do it, so he made me close my eyes and say, "Ah!" And then he stuck this long, skinny thing in my mouth and rubbed it against the inside of my cheek.
Then, when that was over, he gave me my DNA test.
You know it says you're one 64th Native American? Really? Well, I need to go learn all about my new heritage! Right after I practice my Thanksgiving twerky! I can make it clap, y'all! - [clapping.]
- Hmm Put me down for security.
Front row.
Okay, fine.
Hopson, Bullet, you're in charge of buying a turkey for the homeless to show how much we care about dirty, shit-smelling, TB-spreading degenerates.
In my day, we went in the woods and shot our own damn turkey.
That sounds awesome! Hey, is it okay if I hunt drunk? 'Cause, uh 'cause I'm drunk.
Oh, hell, yes.
I've been drunk for 30 years.
I hide my booze in a plastic pouch.
- Ugh! What is that, Coors? - No.
Piss.
That's my catheter bag.
Ah, thank God.
I thought it was Coors.
Where the hell is my ball-deficient ex-husband? Whoo! Good morning, Forest Whitaker! [laughing.]
I got stung by a bee, asshole.
It was inside these flowers you sent me.
Ow! I didn't send you any stupid flowers, asshole.
And why the hell did you send me a dead puppy, huh? The puppy died? But I poked air-holes in the box.
Next time, Kevin, take the puppy out of the box first! Kevin, you're not even supposed to be here.
And why are you sending us gifts in each other's names? I didn't! This isn't some desperate attempt to reunite you, so I can be happy.
Good! Like I'd go near this 240-pound turd with a mustache! He used city funds to remodel his house! Oh, excuse me? You mean I converted my home into Paradise's only safe house.
That money was for the kids at the School for the Blind to take a trip to Six Flags! They got their trip.
Oh, this roller coaster's fun, huh, blind kids? Oh! [Randall laughing.]
Look, Karen, Paradise needs a safe house.
This town is facing its gravest threat in history.
Gypsies You gotta be kidding me! I thought I was the only one taking the gypsy threat seriously.
I've seen the segments Tucker Carlson's devoted to it on FOX News.
I know FOX News never does this, but maybe they're whipping you into an irrational frenzy over nothing? No, it's very real.
Anyone out there can google "Tucker Carlson gypsy apocalypse" right now.
You'll see we're not fucking around.
This is great.
You guys are bonding over your fear of gypsies.
Just because we both fear gypsies doesn't mean I tolerate this ass-chinned asshole.
Hey, my chin does not look like an ass.
- [small fart noise.]
- Oh, give me a break.
It was just a little chin queef.
Kevin, promise me that's the last time you try to play matchmaker.
No more gifts.
I swear.
[squeaky voice.]
Hi.
Singing Cupid-gram from Karen to Randall, with love.
[giggling.]
Here we go.
Oh Aaagh! aaaaggHH! - Agh! A flying colored! - Jesus, Hopson, stop the car! - Aaaagh! - Is he gone? Bullet! Look at the size of that turkey! You know, Gina, without all the dipshits around, it's pretty relaxing here.
Maybe I won't have to deal with any idiotic bullshit today.
[native American war cry.]
And hello, bullshit.
Quiet, Neck-looking-like-George Lucas! I read all about my heritage.
I can't believe what you pale-faced fartknockers did to my people! Dusty, that loincloth only covers ten percent of your ass crack.
I know! Why's it gotta cover so much? And look at this hat.
Is this what I am to you? Just a smiling red devil? That's your hat, dumbass! Chief, Thanksgiving is an insult to my people.
What? I thought fat people loved Thanksgiving! No, I mean Indians, stupid! You need to cancel that parade right now.
This is very important to me, Chief.
Hold on! I'm trying to give a fuck.
Nope.
Not happening.
If you racist crackers won't help, I'm going to the reservation.
My people and I will stop that parade together.
Hey, why are you wearing a necklace made of sporks and packets of Arby's Horsey Sauce? Because my people use every part of the combo meal.
Why the long face? Comedy Central cancel your show again? I told you, they're park rangers, we're cops.
Totally different.
Anyway, Denzel, I'm sad because I'll never get my family back together again.
I'm Tucker Carlson, with another report on the gypsy threat in your town.
Stay tuned to learn how their gypsy magic inverted my already tiny penis.
That's it.
- Hello? - [heavily accented.]
Boogee, boogee.
Karen Crawford, this is a gypsy.
Oh, dear God.
No! I'm coming to suck the wax from your ears to make overpriced candles to sell at the Farmers Market.
[babbling and moaning.]
- How do you know where I live? - The crystal ball shows all.
I sure hope there's not some anti-gypsy safe house for you to hide in.
[doorbell rings.]
Karen, what the hell? Randall! The gypsies! They're coming for me! Damn you, dead-eyed gypsies! You are not gonna pluck any pubes from our dirty underwear and replace us with doppelgangers today.
Or try to sell us loose cigarettes! Yay, we're all together! Come on in, Mom.
We were just watching Tucker.
Now, a lot of liberal naysayers are claiming I made up this whole gypsy threat as an excuse for my tiny inverted penis, but that's fake news.
The gypsies are the reason I can't shower at the gym.
The gypsies are the reason I pee all over my balls.
The gypsies are the reason my crotch looks like a button on a fluffy sofa.
It's the gypsies, people, wake up! Now that we're all together again, how about we play Monopoly like we used to? - I'll take the - Thimble! I called it.
Karen, I am always, always the cock-sucking thimble.
The top hat's cool, too, Dad.
- Fuck you! And fuck your shitty top hat! - You know what? If you want the thimble, take it.
You can use it as a condom! Ouch! Happy? Now no one gets it! Aaaaggghhhh! - I'm gonna choke you up! - Karen, don't make me All right, all right, we'll play a new game! Twister! Ow! I was thinking we'd play Mousetrap! - [snap!.]
- Ow! Fuck you, and fuck both Parker Brothers, right in the ass! Mom, seriously, didn't you and Dad truly care about each other once? Why did you fall in love with him? Because he was handsome and brave.
And he saved my life.
[sirens wailing.]
All right.
Bad news, people.
We only have enough time to save one of you.
And there's only one fair way to do it.
I'm gonna save the hottest one.
Not you, old lady! You're gross.
Nope.
I'm not into Asian dudes.
Not the baby.
I'm not Kevin Spacey.
Ha-ha! Wow! She's beautiful You you saved me.
- So, are you single? - Uh - [screaming.]
- Now I am.
[giggling.]
[native American drumbeats.]
How the hell do y'all walk in these moccasins? Me am Big Dusty, I travel far.
It has been many moon pies.
I demand um justice for what white men done to our people.
We must rise up like little Indians that could to stop that Thanksgiving Day parade, y'all.
But we like the parade.
What? Look what white man has done to you.
He replace um tepees with trailers, our dark buffalo with Mark Ruffalo.
We gotta stop that parade! I'll lead our war chant.
[native American war chant.]
Come on, y'all.
[continues to chant.]
You know the words! Big Dusty um very wise.
We make you leader, but first, you spend night in sacred sweat lodge.
This am great honor! Ooh, that stink like heap big coyote fart.
[retching.]
Aaagh! Oooh! Ugh! Hey, I think there's more than sweat in this lodge! Why's it all blue? Gah, why do I have my mouth open?! Now, explain to me again why you dressed me up like Johnny Depp.
You don't look that shitty.
Pretend to be a gypsy, sneak inside and scare Mom.
Dad will rescue her and they'll fall in love all over again.
I'll do it for ten grand cash.
I'll give you a $12 bottle of Drakkar Noir.
Done.
[exhales noisily.]
How's my breath? Persian.
Very Persian.
[babbling and singing.]
I'm a a gypsy! [more babbling.]
Agh! No! How did you get past the garlic in the walls? Randall! Agh! A g-g-g-gypsy! Oh Stay away from him, you gypsy hell witch! Karen, you you saved my life.
Yes, it worked! Wow, Hobo-Cop, you really like that Drakkar Noir, huh? - Who's Hobo-Cop? I'm Johnny Depp.
- Holy cow! You do dress like shit.
What a fine bird.
Feathers are so soft.
They almost feel like felt.
[slurring.]
And they almost look stitched on.
You know, by God our heavenly tailor, 'cause this is absolutely a real turkey right here.
Now, help me get this son of a bitch in the oven.
[groaning and straining.]
It's not gonna fit.
This is like watching Ron Jeremy try to screw someone fat.
Hell, we'll do the same thing he would.
Just jam the head in there.
[groaning.]
We just got to crank the oven up to about 700.
Mmm, I love the smell of a cooking goose.
Always smells like burning human hair.
Ah, I love Thanksgiving.
Gave my first blowjob on a Thanksgiving.
More pancakes? [giggling.]
Snookie-wookie, they're so soft and fluffy.
Just like you, but not as cute.
Boy, I'm so happy that our family is finally back together.
I guess sometimes dreams do come true.
[kissing.]
[turning to increased slurping.]
[into groaning, grunting and slurping.]
Yay! Mom and Dad are kissing! And dry humping - [rhythmic rustling.]
- me Yay - [Randall.]
Oh, that's good.
You like that? - [Karen.]
Oh, good God! Yeah, that's good.
Ooh! Good call on the butt stuff, Karen.
- [retching.]
- [rhythmic thumping.]
- [Randall.]
Ahhh - [Karen.]
American Jesus! Turn that light off! Can't two adults who love each other try something new, - without being barged in on? - I just wanted the ketchup bottle.
It's in use.
[groaning.]
What happened to my room? [Randall neighing.]
Oh, Kevin, just in time.
Your father and I need to talk to you.
[muffled speech.]
Sorry.
Just in case you didn't notice, your mother and I are back together.
We're like kids again, discovering our love for each other.
And I discovered your mommy is a squirter.
- [giggling.]
Randall! - I know, I am so bad.
But seriously, it is like French kissing Old Faithful.
- Kevin, we've come to a decision.
- It's time for you to move out, honey.
No! Our family just got back together again! Kevin, it is what's best.
You're a man now and it's time to act like one.
Wait.
What about Thanksgiving? I'm sorry, your father and I have plans to go to Reno for Thanksgiving.
- Good luck, Kevin! - Uh, Kevin, wait.
- Yeah, Dad? - Hand me that Allen wrench.
I need to finish puttin' together this chair I just bought from IKEA.
It's called a Dick-in-jer-hass.
[creaking.]
Thanks for letting me hang with you now that I'm on the streets, Hobo-Cop.
Yay, a sleepover.
We'll do each other's makeup and talk about all the middle school boys we like.
I'm I'm still hoping I can get back in the house with my mom and dad, although I'm pretty sad they decided to spend Thanksgiving in Reno.
Uh, I think there's something you should see.
They lied to me? Hobo-Cop, how did you know? Because they invited me.
Sure hope I brought the right kind of wine! Hobo-Cop! Good to see you.
Oh, now everyone I care about is here.
No No, no, no Aaagghhh! [crash!.]
Agh! Cartoon eyes! [drumming and cheering.]
Welcome, everybody, to the Thanksgiving Day parade.
This parade's been a Paradise tradition every year since 1955.
Except in 2007, 'cause we all had syphilis.
Well, we ran your nasty-ass grandma out of town, so that won't happen again.
The kids are gonna love this first float.
Here comes Puffy the Cigarette, making some customers for life.
[fanfare and children laughing.]
First time I had a cigarette I was still inside my mama.
Then she scratched my cornea with a clothes hanger.
TMI, Delbert.
On our next float, the Paradise Historical Society reenacts the first Thanksgiving.
[cheering and laughter.]
[native American drumbeats and flute music.]
Chief Big Dusty take um down parade by his little red self.
[war cry.]
[gasps and screaming.]
Attention, honky devils! Thanksgiving is a lie! Y'all did horrible things to my people! It's time for vengeance.
I'm gonna scalp this white boy! Actually, I'm a Nigerian bush person.
I got my skin bleached to get into Trump University.
Shut up! And prepare for a Cherokee flattop! What the hell are you doing, Dusty? Getting justice for my people! Now, get off me, egg-white! Stop resisting, Dusty.
Or I'll have to give you a beating that will definitely be filed in my spank bank! I'll never surrender! I give up.
I could have eaten the rest of that cheeseburger.
Uh where am I? Welcome, young man, to Flipperville! Wow! So this is where Paradise's many Flipper people went.
Flipperville is built solely of recycling the sanitation workers dump down here.
Like our church, made from plastic forks, or our school made from ramen noodle cups.
- What's Panda Express made from? - Horseshit.
Oh, you mean the building? That's just a regular Panda Express.
They'll franchise anywhere.
We're trying our best to make the sewers like home.
We wanted to live with the surface dwellers.
But sadly, they rejected us.
I'm with you on that one.
Some people up there rejected me, too.
Perhaps you could join us for our Thanksgiving feast and get to know more about us Flipper people? I'd love to.
Honey, I got you a number five, noodles and orange horseshit.
Huh! It is a regular Panda Express.
Let us welcome our guest of honor, Kevin of Paradise! Yay! Yeah, Kevin! Yeah, Kevin! Thank you for that, uh, flappy welcome.
Get ready for the finest feast of your life.
Bring on the sewer turkey! [toilet flushing.]
Wow, I can't wait to carve that up.
Carve? We can't hold utensils.
We apologize.
We can only acquire the bounty that is dumped from the cruel surface dwellers.
We've grown tired of living off of their waste.
Although, I did score a Windows phone.
Windows phones suck, Carl! But the surface dwellers won't keep us down forever.
I hope not.
You guys are cool.
I'm glad I found a family for Thanksgiving.
[dolphin chatter.]
- Agh! What the hell is that thing? - That's just Jerry.
Come on, now, Jerry.
Don't bother our guest.
Agh! [dolphin chatter.]
Phew! When I saw him out of the corner of my eye, I thought he was Jonah Hill.
Uh, no offense, Jerry! And that, Kevin, is where we shit.
We call it Shit Mountain.
Mm-hm.
Oh, wow.
That's great.
Well, thanks for showing me everything.
I haven't shown you everything, Kevin.
Due to our isolated community and limited sexual partners, we're stuck in a cycle of inbreeding.
As a result, the younger Flipper people, like our Jerry, have become more and more mutated.
Behold! [dolphin chatter.]
Ugh! Yikes! This must be how a girl at Comic-Con feels.
Our prophecy has determined that you are our chosen one, who shall replenish our DNA by fornicating with our mother.
Uh, do what with your who, now? For the rest of your natural life, you shall procreate with her and save our people.
[chattering.]
Then our bloodline will be strengthened.
And we can rise to conquer the surface dwellers! That's insane.
I can't have sex with a dolphin! I'm not a weirdo! I mean, okay, yes, I've had sex with a car and a watermelon, and a dress sock filled with sawmill gravy Okay, I'm a huge weirdo! But I'm not having sex with that dolphin! All I wanted to do was help my people.
I wish I wasn't even Native American.
Thanks for buying me my favorite sandwich to try and cheer me up.
Of course, Dusty.
The truth is, you're more than just a sexy fuck blub to me.
- You're my friend! - Hey! Take this mess back to the chef! When I order the double goopy Gobble Goober, I want it double goopy! This is a single goopy Gobble Goober.
Goop and a half, at best! Use your eyes! - [native American drumbeats.]
- [inaudible speech.]
Did you eat here before they swabbed you for your DNA test? Yes! I eat four meals a day here.
And I had to send that dang double goopy Gobble Goober back every mother-fartin' time! Dusty! The chef is Native American.
I think he put his DNA in your food! Meaning like he spit in it? [rhythmic squelching.]
Something like that.
Dusty, you're not Native American.
I'm not? Thank the Lord! Well, I did learn my lesson about this being offensive.
So I found a new team.
[singing sports team version of native American war chant.]
I don't know exactly what your chef did to my sandwich, but that's what I call goopy, son! [grunting and slurping.]
It's dripping down my face! Now I understand the slogan.
[loud drumbeats.]
Come on! Where's your erection? I can't even get stiff with my goldfish watching, much less, Jerry! [chattering.]
Cover your eyes, Jerry.
[disappointed squawk.]
[excited chatter.]
Jerry! [electronic buzzing.]
[nervous moaning.]
Get him! Agh! Ooh! Ah! It's no use! Foiled again by our greatest enemy.
The doorknob.
[loud banging at door.]
[persistent banging.]
- [stifled grunting.]
- [zip!.]
You're a man now, Kevin.
Time to act like one.
You're right, Dad.
Wait! Did I tell you your mom's a squirter? [banging.]
Kevin, don't be embarrassed about your performance anxiety.
Jerry, here, has offered himself as a Flipper fluffer.
[chattering.]
Hell no! If and when I fuck a dolphin, it will be because I want to! Fine.
Then we'll do it the hard way.
Release the mighty Dolphin Lundgren! [heavy steps.]
[roar!.]
Okay, this is it, Kevin.
Time to be a man! - No! - Oh, my God! He can make a fist! Our soft cartilage-filled flopper-flippers are no match for them.
Shut up and get him! I said get him! Ooh, run! Yeah, that's right.
Don't ever think of coming up to the surface or you'll have to deal with me! And I can make a fist! And that's what I'll be having sex with tonight! [slurring.]
Don't worry, don't Shh! There's plenty of turkey to go around.
Hopson! Ah, ha-ha, buddy! Man, I had so much fun with you today and you did a kick-ass job of carving this turkey.
It wasn't easy.
The knife kept getting caught on the turkey's zipper.
And his wallet.
Look at that.
This turkey's an organ donor.
He had a heart of gold.
Too bad I ate it.
Holy shit.
Hopson, I think I'm starting to get sober enough to realize something very terrible.
And there's only one way to fix it.
Keep drinking! This turkey had a tattoo, just like the one my missing daddy had.
When I threw one punch to the fish monster's face, they surrendered.
And that's how I saved Paradise.
I'm Wonder Woman.
You know what? I'm choosing to believe you.
More importantly, after what I've been through, - I believe in myself.
- [cell phone ringing.]
- Hello? - Kevin, it's your parents.
Your father and I are truly sorry for kicking you out.
We were in the heat of passion.
We've had time to think and we miss you.
We never should have asked you to leave.
Hey! We caught the gypsy who broke into our house.
He keeps trying to trick us into thinking he's Johnny Depp.
Come on home, son.
We can beat him with a garden hose as a family.
Thanks, but you were right to ask me to leave.
I don't need Mommy and Daddy anymore.
I'm a grown man.
Ooh, Randall, I think he actually is Johnny Depp.
- Should we let him go? - Hell, no! He's still gettin' the hose.
This is for Willy Wonka! And this is for the last three Pirates movies! - Hobo-Cop, can I crash here tonight? - Sure.
Dig around in there, boy.
There's a bag of dead cats you can sleep on.
Uh okay.
What the Paradise PD security footage? Look at the date! Holy crap! This is the missing tape from the night Terry Two Toes was killed! - Hobo-Cop, do you happen to have a VCR? - On it.
[generator whirring.]
Boss, thank goodness.
I knew you'd come let me outta here The argyle meth kingpin is a Paradise PD cop! Whoever you are, Kingpin, I'm coming for you.