Perfect Couples s01e09 Episode Script
Perfect Lies
- the secret to the life you wanted it's all true someone's got to do it now we have the facts, it's working we got through all we need is you - So, maid of honor, How are the vegas bachelorette plans coming? - Oh, everybody does vegas.
We're doing the other "v"-- Vancouver.
- What? - Yeah, going up to visit our little canadian cousins-- Those jokers.
- They put animals on their coins.
They don't have enough famous people.
- While you're up there, Do not leave amy alone with her old friend dottie.
She regresses in her presence.
One drink with that girl, and two years Of my henry higgins work go down the crapper.
- Who's henry higgins? - He's a politician.
- Okay, then don't take vance to any strip clubs.
I don't mind the nudity, But he has this thing about helping wounded women Find their way.
- There's a lot of teachable moments in the champagne room.
That doesn't even matter.
We are going camping in the mountains.
- My idea.
Did you guys know that I was almost an eagle scout? Did I ever tell you guys? - He has a vest of merit badges To prove that.
- And it still fits.
- No, it doesn't.
- Key question-- what's, uh, spousal policy On after-weekend communication? - Amy and I will tell each other Anything and everything that happens this weekend.
- Ill-advised.
- That's not a good idea.
- Not a good idea.
- Mm-mm.
So bad.
- Nothing is going to happen, other than a moment Of deep emotional transcendence among lifelong friends.
- Don't put too much pressure on the moment of transcendence.
That is a very hard thing to attain, And I don't want you to get-- - deep emotional transcendence Among lifelong friends.
- Hey, do you think these pants go with this shirt? - Uh, yeah, sure.
- Dave, you didn't even look.
- How long has that been out? - Two exits.
Bachelor party! - I am so pumped for a moment of ultimate connection.
- Manage expectations, buddy.
- You know, this will be the first night That leigh and I have ever spent apart.
All my other girlfriends, I couldn't stay till morning.
But with leigh, it's different.
I miss her, guys.
- Well-- Do I actually have to say the words, "put that away"? - Did you see that? Do you see what I'm doing up here? - Rex's cologne.
I miss his scent.
What did you guys bring that smells like your partners? - Hey, guys, some canadian next door Left his loafers in the hall.
They're so trusting.
It's like a nation of puppies.
- All right.
Okay, so As the maid of honor, I have taken the liberty And booked us a couple of massages.
I made reservations At this amazing restaurant.
[knock at door.]
- Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
[screaming.]
Both: Laissez les bon temps rouler! - Amy, how are you girl? - Y'all, this is dottie.
- Hi.
- This is julia, leigh.
- How are you? Okay, wait a second.
You're the bride.
Why are you still sober? - Well, you know, we did just get here.
- Let's bust out our micro-minis and get old gross guys To buy us some drinks.
- Well, actually we booked some massages.
- Boo.
No fun.
Bar, then shots.
- Oh, that's better.
She's better.
- Okay, I'm gonna go freshen up.
Julia, will you be a love and look in my bag? I made amy a wedding veil of condoms.
Oh, and just tear the lining out from the suitcase.
You'll find a little surprise in there.
- I love the green acres take-charge-vibe thing, I do.
But someone other than the maid of honor making the condom veil, It's just not done.
- Well, technically, she thinks She's the maid of honor.
Apparently, we made this promise when we were 12.
I forgot, but I guess she didn't, so - Wow.
Wedding planner panic attack coming on.
I need to smell rex.
Where's that cologne? How about that fire, huh? No matches Old boy scout trick.
- Is it safe? - Doesn't matter.
Fire's part of the earth cycle.
Now, this area's due for a good burning, anyway.
- I gave you guys grief, but this is great.
- Was that a shooting star? - Comet.
Judging by the tail, most likely the brorsen-metcalf.
- Beautiful.
- Thank you, guys For this.
- No place I'd rather be.
- Same here.
[celestial music.]
- Can I get a time check? - 8:15.
- That moment of transcendence came quickly.
I don't know if I can handle this for three more days.
- Sure you can.
Tomorrow I'm gonna show you guys how to ford a stream.
- Yeah, I'm not feeling it.
- Hey, this is big rex.
I'm gonna need that limo at 9:00, not 10:00.
- Okay, guys, at the risk of sounding a little sappy, I have known amy since-- - Boo, speeches.
Drink, bitches! [all cheering.]
- [southern accent.]
talking like this is a hoot.
- Okay, but remember, ladies, we do have reservations At this amazing sushi place.
- Boo, sushi.
- You boo a lot.
Hey, listen, ladies, if you're looking To have some crazy fun [chuckles.]
Mama can roll.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Uh-huh.
- You have got to tell dottie That she's not the maid of honor.
And you got to do it before mama rolls.
- I know.
It's just--I'm waiting for the right time.
Dottie has a bit of a temper, Particularly when she's been drinking And partaking "of the suitcase," if you know what I mean.
- Once.
One look, dave.
She spent thousands of dollars on her breasts.
At least give them a glance.
- I want you to take this money, and I want you to buy a book.
It's callthe 7 habits of highly effective people.
It changed my life.
[upbeat music.]
- Hey! She's not the only one that gets to dance With her friend this weekend.
- Let's get out of here.
The bouncer told me About this after-hours inuit club.
- Hey, the only thing we're gonna be doing Is going to vancouver's finest milkshake bar.
- Boo! - You can't boo milkshake bar.
Who do you think you are? - I know who I am.
I'm the maid of honor.
- I'm pretty wasted! Did that happen? [hip-hop music.]
- Can I use your bathroom? - Of course you can.
It's right down there.
- Dude, you took the stripper out of her natural environment.
She's got a purse.
She's wearing flip-flops.
It's too real.
- First of all, her name is lorraine.
Yeah, she confided her real name to me.
And, second, she's just getting a book on mortgage financing, And then she's leaving.
- [grunts.]
- What are you doing? - Got the camping bug.
[grunts.]
I'm gonna make some hot cocoa.
I fired up my stove.
What's the end game on the stripper? Feels dicey.
- All right, can we just have A little compassion for someone Who hasn't had our opportunities? - here comes the bride all dressed in white - Oh, wow.
Lorraine, that is my fiancee's wedding dress, Which I had not seen before.
I don't love it.
So if you wouldn't mind, uh, just unzipping it And, uh, gingerly stepping out of it.
- I believe the lady's familiar with how to remove a garment.
- Fine.
I'll take it off.
- The dress! - Fire! - She brushed against the coleman! - Crystal's on fire! - Her name's lorraine! - When I met her, she was crystal! - [shrieks.]
- You brought your own sand? How did he not make eagle scout? - Dude What? What happened last night? - It's a little hazy.
I remember going to that steakhouse.
- Cuban cigars, kobe beef.
- 30-year-old brandy.
To lifelong friends.
- To best friends.
- Brothers.
[celestial music.]
- I just transcended again.
That's awesome.
- Then we hit that strip club.
[rock music.]
Have you had that looked at? It might be a scratch, but it looks a lot like poison sumac.
- Did the stripper put on amy's wedding dress? Did it catch on fire? - Yeah, that happened.
- And did rex turn into a pirate? - That you dreamed.
- Is someone making coffee? What's going on? - I remember we trimmed off the burnt part of the dress, And then we went and we aired out the smoke And the stripper perfume.
[all cheering.]
- Camping sucks.
This is so much better.
- Stop hogging the dress.
- [continues cheering.]
- So where's the dress? - I did not sleep well.
- Someone left the chainsaw running all night.
[imitates loud snoring.]
- I have a deviated septum.
- Strap on the feed bags, girls.
We are in canada.
We are eating canadian bacon-- Case closed.
- You have got to talk to her.
- And I want real bacon.
- I know.
It's just really hard.
I mean, I made a promise.
We took a blood oath.
- Ew.
- Oh, relax.
It was just chicken blood.
Maybe you could say something to her? Tell her she can't be the maid of honor? Isn't that what a maid of honor does? - Not usually.
- Let's drink, bitches! - Oh, dottie? - Excuse me.
- Okay, um, I'm just gonna rip the band-aid off here.
Uh, six months ago, amy asked me To be her maid of honor.
So - I'm not the maid of honor? - Amy? I'm not the maid of honor? - Well, that's the first I'm hearing of that.
- Uh - Now, looking here, this is very manageable.
- It looks excellent.
- It's when we do this-- - that's more of a problem.
- Right.
[sewing machine whirring.]
What are you doing? - While you hens are cackling, I'm doing.
I'm a doer.
Where does amy keep her lace? - Let's take it to my dry cleaners.
- Faggio's? Those assassins? We'll take it to my guy, tony.
I trust him with my suedes.
- So the dress is gonna be gone for a couple days.
Amy's gonna notice.
What's the plan? - Well, I promised total honesty.
- Hear that.
That's--that's why we l-- That's a great way-- I was just thinking, As an experienced married man And as someone who has met amy, I would say maybe Spare her the details.
- You got to lie, dude.
- Yeah.
Lie to her.
- Lie, dude.
- So you had a collective cry, And then you left the campsite And came back here to play board games? - Yep.
- Then dave innocently stained The dress.
And what is my sewing machine doing out? - You know guys.
When they're drunk [chuckles.]
- [sinister laugh.]
Now, about the sand.
- She's poking holes in our story.
- Well, you told her dave spilled a drink on it, right? It's a quality lie we gave you.
- The dress was covered in plastic.
How does a drink get on it? Not to mention the residuals-- There's sand and glitter on the floor.
The whole place reeks of sterno.
It's a strange melange.
- All right, calm down.
- You calm down! - Not talking to you.
- Oh, sorry.
- I can't do this.
I'm boxing myself in with too much detail.
I'm a slave to my own specificity.
Hey, if amy asks, your sleeping bag is gore-tex With a down fill.
It's got 40% goose, 60% duck.
There's a tiny tear by the foot.
It was a floor sample.
- Okay, just get out of there and come down here.
We can help you.
- Vance, at this point, Is so drunk that his recollection is hazy.
- We had carried him into the bedroom, Where the dress was hanging.
- But I still had my drink, and that's-- - The drink was a frozen hurricane.
- Yes, I'd taken the time To--to--to mix up a batch of frozen hurricanes.
- That's when I decided to put dave in a headlock.
You know how I roughhouse when I've had a few.
- And I'd found a glitter pen in a dumpster Behind an arts and crafts store--that was 2:15.
- That was the general time of all the events.
And--yeah, and that's what happened.
- Really? Glitter pens and hurricanes.
- Yeah.
[chuckles nervously.]
they're good.
- Hurricane's a complicated drink.
What's in that? - Um Oh, uh The - What's the recipe? - The recipe, yeah.
Well, you--you got your one-ounce vodka, Quarter-ounce grenadine syrup, One-ounce gin, one-ounce light rum, One-ounce amaretto almond liqueur, one-ounce triple sec, Pineapple juice, grapefruit juice, Blend to a slurry.
- Sounds like a great time, you guys.
- It was amazing.
[laughter.]
- I mean Oh, mwah.
You know, these things happen.
And like you said, the dry cleaner can fix it.
- And regarding the sand, Dave had brought a large hourglass, in case-- - You know, we had a crazy weekend too.
Amy's friend went bonkers.
- What kind of a person makes someone break a blood oath? - Well A chicken-blood oath.
- You got inside my little amy's head, And you messed it up with your fancy oregon ways, With your salmon and your microbrews.
If you ever set foot in lake charles, louisiana, I will give you a misunderstanding.
- It's totally fine.
She gets it now.
- Yeah.
Pretty much she gets it.
- What? - And I just want you to know that if I ever get married, You're still my maid of honor.
- Be my maid of honor.
- What? What about julia? - You can split it.
- Split it? - Half the work, all the fun? - You know what? Dottie can just have it.
- What--what kind of friend bails two weeks Before the wedding? - What kind of a friend goes spineless Just because some crazy lady starts talking [southern accent.]
about blood oaths And shrimping boats And hydrofoils? - Wow.
You are such a portland snob.
You know, you're not perfect.
You snore like a bulldog.
- Well A stripper wore your wedding dress, Burnt it, and then these guys threw it out of a hummerzine.
Yeah, dave told me all about it.
- What? - I thought what happened at a bachelor party Stayed between us.
- Dude, I am sorry.
This is all on me.
I broke.
I got home, and, man, it was too juicy.
I had a bucket of sand To put a fire out on a stripper who was wearing a wedding dress.
I mean, that's--you got to share that with your wife.
She's my best friend.
- And now I've been betrayed twice.
- I blame the stripper on you.
These two wanted to go camping.
These two, good boys.
You, you are a bad boy.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on one second, okay? This is not rex's fault.
Vance is the one who wanted to give crystal/lorraine the book.
- You told your wife too? - Vance is screwed.
It's pretty burnt.
- Okay, julia still doesn't know dottie's maid of honor.
- Still? All right, call me in half an hour.
- I wanted to be honest, and you guys convinced me to lie, 'cause that's what dudes do, and then you can't live up To your own stupid manly code? - I'm sorry.
My secrets are out.
My junk is in.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
- Who cares? Are you going to apologize? - I am so sorry.
- Well, I don't accept.
- Amy, wait, baby.
- Wait, wait, vance, vance.
I didn't mean to leave you hanging, okay? - I get it.
You like telling vance secrets.
Well, you know what I enjoy? Telling dave secrets.
- Okay, buddy-- - here's how it's gonna go down.
In 24 hours, I'm gonna leave One big, fat, uncomfortable dave secret On julia's voice mail.
So you might want to get your affairs in order.
- Here you go, baby.
- Honey, why do you keep checking my phone? - I--you guys think We've become kind of slaves to technology? You know what? I'm turning this off.
We're unplugged today.
I'm pronouncing cyber sabbath.
When's the last time we did a jigsaw puzzle? - Okay, give me that.
- Hey.
So I called dottie this morning And told her she's out.
- For real? - For real.
I'm sorry I put you through that.
She's an old friend, but you're a better friend.
- Oh, amy.
Thank you.
So how are things with vance? - He's making amends.
He'll be dressing like my cousins at the wedding.
- I would like to buy a cowboy hat-- Something understated That would go well with a hugo boss suit.
[sighs.]
- Oh, oh, speak of the devil.
It's vance.
- Don't answer it.
- Why? - Okay, a couple things-- Uh, remember when I told you that vance and I Went up to seattle for a real-estate seminar? We didn't.
We went to see shakira.
- Why are you telling me this? - Because if vance wants to get back at me, He's gonna leave one of my secrets on your voice mail, And it's nothing bad, but you should hear it from me first.
- Honey, it's okay.
I trust you.
- We own 10% of an indoor lacrosse team.
I get my hair highlighted.
- I knew it! - You don't have to-- you can delete that.
- I know.
- All right, fine.
I love you.
We don't have life insurance.
Okay, fine.
I didn't make eagle scout Because I got caught exploring myself in my tent.
It was a bit of a third-strike situation.
- Julia, hope you're well.
Dave, you're your own worst enemy.
- Oh! - Oh, you're not very smart.
[all shouting.]
- What a catch! Did you see the way he was-- - What are you doing? - Dude.
- Great game, beautiful day, Ice-cold beers, awesome burritos, And lifelong friends.
- You're not getting a moment, buddy.
- Turn the game back on.
We'll transcend during the commercials.
We're doing the other "v"-- Vancouver.
- What? - Yeah, going up to visit our little canadian cousins-- Those jokers.
- They put animals on their coins.
They don't have enough famous people.
- While you're up there, Do not leave amy alone with her old friend dottie.
She regresses in her presence.
One drink with that girl, and two years Of my henry higgins work go down the crapper.
- Who's henry higgins? - He's a politician.
- Okay, then don't take vance to any strip clubs.
I don't mind the nudity, But he has this thing about helping wounded women Find their way.
- There's a lot of teachable moments in the champagne room.
That doesn't even matter.
We are going camping in the mountains.
- My idea.
Did you guys know that I was almost an eagle scout? Did I ever tell you guys? - He has a vest of merit badges To prove that.
- And it still fits.
- No, it doesn't.
- Key question-- what's, uh, spousal policy On after-weekend communication? - Amy and I will tell each other Anything and everything that happens this weekend.
- Ill-advised.
- That's not a good idea.
- Not a good idea.
- Mm-mm.
So bad.
- Nothing is going to happen, other than a moment Of deep emotional transcendence among lifelong friends.
- Don't put too much pressure on the moment of transcendence.
That is a very hard thing to attain, And I don't want you to get-- - deep emotional transcendence Among lifelong friends.
- Hey, do you think these pants go with this shirt? - Uh, yeah, sure.
- Dave, you didn't even look.
- How long has that been out? - Two exits.
Bachelor party! - I am so pumped for a moment of ultimate connection.
- Manage expectations, buddy.
- You know, this will be the first night That leigh and I have ever spent apart.
All my other girlfriends, I couldn't stay till morning.
But with leigh, it's different.
I miss her, guys.
- Well-- Do I actually have to say the words, "put that away"? - Did you see that? Do you see what I'm doing up here? - Rex's cologne.
I miss his scent.
What did you guys bring that smells like your partners? - Hey, guys, some canadian next door Left his loafers in the hall.
They're so trusting.
It's like a nation of puppies.
- All right.
Okay, so As the maid of honor, I have taken the liberty And booked us a couple of massages.
I made reservations At this amazing restaurant.
[knock at door.]
- Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
[screaming.]
Both: Laissez les bon temps rouler! - Amy, how are you girl? - Y'all, this is dottie.
- Hi.
- This is julia, leigh.
- How are you? Okay, wait a second.
You're the bride.
Why are you still sober? - Well, you know, we did just get here.
- Let's bust out our micro-minis and get old gross guys To buy us some drinks.
- Well, actually we booked some massages.
- Boo.
No fun.
Bar, then shots.
- Oh, that's better.
She's better.
- Okay, I'm gonna go freshen up.
Julia, will you be a love and look in my bag? I made amy a wedding veil of condoms.
Oh, and just tear the lining out from the suitcase.
You'll find a little surprise in there.
- I love the green acres take-charge-vibe thing, I do.
But someone other than the maid of honor making the condom veil, It's just not done.
- Well, technically, she thinks She's the maid of honor.
Apparently, we made this promise when we were 12.
I forgot, but I guess she didn't, so - Wow.
Wedding planner panic attack coming on.
I need to smell rex.
Where's that cologne? How about that fire, huh? No matches Old boy scout trick.
- Is it safe? - Doesn't matter.
Fire's part of the earth cycle.
Now, this area's due for a good burning, anyway.
- I gave you guys grief, but this is great.
- Was that a shooting star? - Comet.
Judging by the tail, most likely the brorsen-metcalf.
- Beautiful.
- Thank you, guys For this.
- No place I'd rather be.
- Same here.
[celestial music.]
- Can I get a time check? - 8:15.
- That moment of transcendence came quickly.
I don't know if I can handle this for three more days.
- Sure you can.
Tomorrow I'm gonna show you guys how to ford a stream.
- Yeah, I'm not feeling it.
- Hey, this is big rex.
I'm gonna need that limo at 9:00, not 10:00.
- Okay, guys, at the risk of sounding a little sappy, I have known amy since-- - Boo, speeches.
Drink, bitches! [all cheering.]
- [southern accent.]
talking like this is a hoot.
- Okay, but remember, ladies, we do have reservations At this amazing sushi place.
- Boo, sushi.
- You boo a lot.
Hey, listen, ladies, if you're looking To have some crazy fun [chuckles.]
Mama can roll.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Uh-huh.
- You have got to tell dottie That she's not the maid of honor.
And you got to do it before mama rolls.
- I know.
It's just--I'm waiting for the right time.
Dottie has a bit of a temper, Particularly when she's been drinking And partaking "of the suitcase," if you know what I mean.
- Once.
One look, dave.
She spent thousands of dollars on her breasts.
At least give them a glance.
- I want you to take this money, and I want you to buy a book.
It's callthe 7 habits of highly effective people.
It changed my life.
[upbeat music.]
- Hey! She's not the only one that gets to dance With her friend this weekend.
- Let's get out of here.
The bouncer told me About this after-hours inuit club.
- Hey, the only thing we're gonna be doing Is going to vancouver's finest milkshake bar.
- Boo! - You can't boo milkshake bar.
Who do you think you are? - I know who I am.
I'm the maid of honor.
- I'm pretty wasted! Did that happen? [hip-hop music.]
- Can I use your bathroom? - Of course you can.
It's right down there.
- Dude, you took the stripper out of her natural environment.
She's got a purse.
She's wearing flip-flops.
It's too real.
- First of all, her name is lorraine.
Yeah, she confided her real name to me.
And, second, she's just getting a book on mortgage financing, And then she's leaving.
- [grunts.]
- What are you doing? - Got the camping bug.
[grunts.]
I'm gonna make some hot cocoa.
I fired up my stove.
What's the end game on the stripper? Feels dicey.
- All right, can we just have A little compassion for someone Who hasn't had our opportunities? - here comes the bride all dressed in white - Oh, wow.
Lorraine, that is my fiancee's wedding dress, Which I had not seen before.
I don't love it.
So if you wouldn't mind, uh, just unzipping it And, uh, gingerly stepping out of it.
- I believe the lady's familiar with how to remove a garment.
- Fine.
I'll take it off.
- The dress! - Fire! - She brushed against the coleman! - Crystal's on fire! - Her name's lorraine! - When I met her, she was crystal! - [shrieks.]
- You brought your own sand? How did he not make eagle scout? - Dude What? What happened last night? - It's a little hazy.
I remember going to that steakhouse.
- Cuban cigars, kobe beef.
- 30-year-old brandy.
To lifelong friends.
- To best friends.
- Brothers.
[celestial music.]
- I just transcended again.
That's awesome.
- Then we hit that strip club.
[rock music.]
Have you had that looked at? It might be a scratch, but it looks a lot like poison sumac.
- Did the stripper put on amy's wedding dress? Did it catch on fire? - Yeah, that happened.
- And did rex turn into a pirate? - That you dreamed.
- Is someone making coffee? What's going on? - I remember we trimmed off the burnt part of the dress, And then we went and we aired out the smoke And the stripper perfume.
[all cheering.]
- Camping sucks.
This is so much better.
- Stop hogging the dress.
- [continues cheering.]
- So where's the dress? - I did not sleep well.
- Someone left the chainsaw running all night.
[imitates loud snoring.]
- I have a deviated septum.
- Strap on the feed bags, girls.
We are in canada.
We are eating canadian bacon-- Case closed.
- You have got to talk to her.
- And I want real bacon.
- I know.
It's just really hard.
I mean, I made a promise.
We took a blood oath.
- Ew.
- Oh, relax.
It was just chicken blood.
Maybe you could say something to her? Tell her she can't be the maid of honor? Isn't that what a maid of honor does? - Not usually.
- Let's drink, bitches! - Oh, dottie? - Excuse me.
- Okay, um, I'm just gonna rip the band-aid off here.
Uh, six months ago, amy asked me To be her maid of honor.
So - I'm not the maid of honor? - Amy? I'm not the maid of honor? - Well, that's the first I'm hearing of that.
- Uh - Now, looking here, this is very manageable.
- It looks excellent.
- It's when we do this-- - that's more of a problem.
- Right.
[sewing machine whirring.]
What are you doing? - While you hens are cackling, I'm doing.
I'm a doer.
Where does amy keep her lace? - Let's take it to my dry cleaners.
- Faggio's? Those assassins? We'll take it to my guy, tony.
I trust him with my suedes.
- So the dress is gonna be gone for a couple days.
Amy's gonna notice.
What's the plan? - Well, I promised total honesty.
- Hear that.
That's--that's why we l-- That's a great way-- I was just thinking, As an experienced married man And as someone who has met amy, I would say maybe Spare her the details.
- You got to lie, dude.
- Yeah.
Lie to her.
- Lie, dude.
- So you had a collective cry, And then you left the campsite And came back here to play board games? - Yep.
- Then dave innocently stained The dress.
And what is my sewing machine doing out? - You know guys.
When they're drunk [chuckles.]
- [sinister laugh.]
Now, about the sand.
- She's poking holes in our story.
- Well, you told her dave spilled a drink on it, right? It's a quality lie we gave you.
- The dress was covered in plastic.
How does a drink get on it? Not to mention the residuals-- There's sand and glitter on the floor.
The whole place reeks of sterno.
It's a strange melange.
- All right, calm down.
- You calm down! - Not talking to you.
- Oh, sorry.
- I can't do this.
I'm boxing myself in with too much detail.
I'm a slave to my own specificity.
Hey, if amy asks, your sleeping bag is gore-tex With a down fill.
It's got 40% goose, 60% duck.
There's a tiny tear by the foot.
It was a floor sample.
- Okay, just get out of there and come down here.
We can help you.
- Vance, at this point, Is so drunk that his recollection is hazy.
- We had carried him into the bedroom, Where the dress was hanging.
- But I still had my drink, and that's-- - The drink was a frozen hurricane.
- Yes, I'd taken the time To--to--to mix up a batch of frozen hurricanes.
- That's when I decided to put dave in a headlock.
You know how I roughhouse when I've had a few.
- And I'd found a glitter pen in a dumpster Behind an arts and crafts store--that was 2:15.
- That was the general time of all the events.
And--yeah, and that's what happened.
- Really? Glitter pens and hurricanes.
- Yeah.
[chuckles nervously.]
they're good.
- Hurricane's a complicated drink.
What's in that? - Um Oh, uh The - What's the recipe? - The recipe, yeah.
Well, you--you got your one-ounce vodka, Quarter-ounce grenadine syrup, One-ounce gin, one-ounce light rum, One-ounce amaretto almond liqueur, one-ounce triple sec, Pineapple juice, grapefruit juice, Blend to a slurry.
- Sounds like a great time, you guys.
- It was amazing.
[laughter.]
- I mean Oh, mwah.
You know, these things happen.
And like you said, the dry cleaner can fix it.
- And regarding the sand, Dave had brought a large hourglass, in case-- - You know, we had a crazy weekend too.
Amy's friend went bonkers.
- What kind of a person makes someone break a blood oath? - Well A chicken-blood oath.
- You got inside my little amy's head, And you messed it up with your fancy oregon ways, With your salmon and your microbrews.
If you ever set foot in lake charles, louisiana, I will give you a misunderstanding.
- It's totally fine.
She gets it now.
- Yeah.
Pretty much she gets it.
- What? - And I just want you to know that if I ever get married, You're still my maid of honor.
- Be my maid of honor.
- What? What about julia? - You can split it.
- Split it? - Half the work, all the fun? - You know what? Dottie can just have it.
- What--what kind of friend bails two weeks Before the wedding? - What kind of a friend goes spineless Just because some crazy lady starts talking [southern accent.]
about blood oaths And shrimping boats And hydrofoils? - Wow.
You are such a portland snob.
You know, you're not perfect.
You snore like a bulldog.
- Well A stripper wore your wedding dress, Burnt it, and then these guys threw it out of a hummerzine.
Yeah, dave told me all about it.
- What? - I thought what happened at a bachelor party Stayed between us.
- Dude, I am sorry.
This is all on me.
I broke.
I got home, and, man, it was too juicy.
I had a bucket of sand To put a fire out on a stripper who was wearing a wedding dress.
I mean, that's--you got to share that with your wife.
She's my best friend.
- And now I've been betrayed twice.
- I blame the stripper on you.
These two wanted to go camping.
These two, good boys.
You, you are a bad boy.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on one second, okay? This is not rex's fault.
Vance is the one who wanted to give crystal/lorraine the book.
- You told your wife too? - Vance is screwed.
It's pretty burnt.
- Okay, julia still doesn't know dottie's maid of honor.
- Still? All right, call me in half an hour.
- I wanted to be honest, and you guys convinced me to lie, 'cause that's what dudes do, and then you can't live up To your own stupid manly code? - I'm sorry.
My secrets are out.
My junk is in.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
- Who cares? Are you going to apologize? - I am so sorry.
- Well, I don't accept.
- Amy, wait, baby.
- Wait, wait, vance, vance.
I didn't mean to leave you hanging, okay? - I get it.
You like telling vance secrets.
Well, you know what I enjoy? Telling dave secrets.
- Okay, buddy-- - here's how it's gonna go down.
In 24 hours, I'm gonna leave One big, fat, uncomfortable dave secret On julia's voice mail.
So you might want to get your affairs in order.
- Here you go, baby.
- Honey, why do you keep checking my phone? - I--you guys think We've become kind of slaves to technology? You know what? I'm turning this off.
We're unplugged today.
I'm pronouncing cyber sabbath.
When's the last time we did a jigsaw puzzle? - Okay, give me that.
- Hey.
So I called dottie this morning And told her she's out.
- For real? - For real.
I'm sorry I put you through that.
She's an old friend, but you're a better friend.
- Oh, amy.
Thank you.
So how are things with vance? - He's making amends.
He'll be dressing like my cousins at the wedding.
- I would like to buy a cowboy hat-- Something understated That would go well with a hugo boss suit.
[sighs.]
- Oh, oh, speak of the devil.
It's vance.
- Don't answer it.
- Why? - Okay, a couple things-- Uh, remember when I told you that vance and I Went up to seattle for a real-estate seminar? We didn't.
We went to see shakira.
- Why are you telling me this? - Because if vance wants to get back at me, He's gonna leave one of my secrets on your voice mail, And it's nothing bad, but you should hear it from me first.
- Honey, it's okay.
I trust you.
- We own 10% of an indoor lacrosse team.
I get my hair highlighted.
- I knew it! - You don't have to-- you can delete that.
- I know.
- All right, fine.
I love you.
We don't have life insurance.
Okay, fine.
I didn't make eagle scout Because I got caught exploring myself in my tent.
It was a bit of a third-strike situation.
- Julia, hope you're well.
Dave, you're your own worst enemy.
- Oh! - Oh, you're not very smart.
[all shouting.]
- What a catch! Did you see the way he was-- - What are you doing? - Dude.
- Great game, beautiful day, Ice-cold beers, awesome burritos, And lifelong friends.
- You're not getting a moment, buddy.
- Turn the game back on.
We'll transcend during the commercials.