Q-Force (2021) s01e09 Episode Script

1
And when we got
to the spice market,
you were like,
"Bam, bam, bam! See you later, jerks."
Wait, that's your impression of me?
I would never say "jerks."
"Motherfuckers" or "shitbags"
is more like it.
You know I'm uncensored,
like a female Harvey Keitel.
"Uncensored" is one word for it.
Please, you love my flair.
This flair's
gonna save the AIA from itself.
Ooh, speaking of, you wanna run
through the plan one more time?
Hell yeah! Plan is my middle name.
Well, Plan-tricia, but
Wow, that sure is a big waterfall.
V, my spy partner and best friend,
what are you doing?
It's more like, "What are you doing?"
Honey, don't give me line readings.
This isn't Tootsie.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry to betray you!
Pew-pew.
Oh, shit, I'm definitely dead!
How's that for flair?
I bet I'd win Best Supporting Actress
if this was a TV show and not real life.
Are we sure about this plan?
Hey, it'll work. The AIA is gonna love you
after you fake-eliminate me.
Then, once you've secured
the access we need,
you'll give me the signal and bam!
We finish off Greyscale once and for all.
See, at least you do say "bam."
I was right about that.
I guess I'm just gonna miss you.
Stop acting like I'm really gonna die.
I'll be in hiding for a year at most.
By New Year's Eve next year,
phase two of our plan will be done.
The AIA will be good and fucked
and we'll be laughing about this
on top of the Eiffel Tower.
But you never made it
to the Eiffel Tower. Hmm.
It's not that cool, anyway.
If you've seen a picture of it,
that's pretty much it.
It doesn't, like, do anything.
Still heartbreaking to wait that long
for a signal from somebody.
Honey, I know.
I used to clean Faye Dunaway's pool,
and despite me sending clear vibes,
she never once slapped me.
I just keep wondering what I did wrong.
Caryn, I'm just so sorry.
I had no idea that the AIA
would use Greyscale to wipe my memory.
I'm not even gay. I just have big arms.
Stop apologizing. Shit happens.
Like the other day, I accidentally
put two bear milks in my coffee.
I usually just do one bear milk,
but it's cool. I rolled with it.
That makes me feel better?
I don't know, V. Because of you,
your old partner has to milk bears,
and that's why I came back
from Fort Lauderdale with carpal tunnel.
It's in the past, and now we finally
get to finish what we started,
undoing Greyscale.
Okay, you guys are gonna hate me,
but Gayscale.
Bad?
Buck, fetch!
We now know Greyscale agents are
waiting to be unlocked all over the world,
but the file didn't have their locations.
Well, sure, all those locations
are kept at the Coeur de la Mer.
V and I always knew
this thing would end at the Coeur.
The Coeur de la Mer?
The Agency's top secret bunker
in the middle of the ocean
where they keep
all their most confidential information.
It's the stuff they want
no one to ever find out about.
I put stuff like that in a folder
on my computer called "ideas for novels."
No one would ever look there.
I can't believe
I haven't heard of this thing.
I even have a Google Alert for "underwater
bunker of secrets." Where is it?
Caryn's been safeguarding
the coordinates for 25 years.
And that's given me time
to make improvements on our plan, V. Here.
- Uh, what's that mushroom cloud?
- Oh.
I thought it'd be fun
to drop an atomic bomb on it,
because I hate the AIA so much.
But as you can see, the Eiffel Tower
is just out of reach of the blast,
so we can still visit it.
Hmm, I hope it's still as tall
as it was in the '90s.
You know, Caryn,
I feel so bad asking you to sacrifice
any more than you already have.
- Maybe you shouldn't come.
- Are you kidding?
Attacking the Coeur and unlocking
the rest of the Greyscaled agents
is my happy place.
Is that why there's
a cute smiley face drawn on your plan?
No, that's me wearing Dirk's skin
as a mask. Maybe too much?
Mary, can I talk to you for a sec?
I want to show you a pretty tree.
Oh, I know the one you mean.
Looks a little like ALF.
Is that show still on? You know, I've been
scared to ask anyone this whole time.
So, Caryn seems
To have lost her goddamn marbles? Yes.
Which is particularly sad,
because she loved mancala.
And this is me and V
and Nathan in Latvia in '89.
Baby, we smuggled out
an entire soccer team inside a cow.
Nathan could stuff me
in a cow, that's for sure.
I'm attracted to him.
Nathan got Greyscaled.
I'll be honest, Caryn.
You're my anarchist fantasy.
It's my dream
to convince the government I'm dead.
I thought you said your dream
was potatoes are looking at you.
No, that was a dream. My real dream
is to disappear from society completely.
Like, let's talk fingerprint removal.
Are we talking knife, fire, acid?
Look, I love cabin life, but sometimes,
when I'm sitting in my eating chair,
eating a can of iced chicken,
I get lonely. I miss my old teammates.
And to think, when my wife went down
that boring-ass chiropractic YouTube hole,
it was all leading to this.
Wait, a tube for you?
Oh, look at the time.
We better get to foraging.
Leaves and berries
don't just grow on trees, you know.
You'll want to follow
my path pretty precisely.
Cabin's surrounded with homemade landmines
and I remember where most of 'em are.
Aw, that just made me homesick.
I miss my booby traps.
Caryn isn't gonna be happy
if we steal the coordinates.
She wants to come with us.
I know, but she'd only be a liability.
After everything she's been through,
she's a broken husk
of the beautiful corn cob of a woman
I used to know and trust.
Again! Again!
But even after all the pain I caused her,
she still trusted I'd come back.
Guess that's why there's two beds?
Yikes, but also aw.
Oh, where have you hidden the map,
you sweet lunatic?
Oh, no.
Ah-ha! This is it!
The coordinates to the Coeur de la Mer!
Perfect! So how do we convince Caryn
to let us go without her?
We'll sneak away.
Better to beg for forgiveness later
than ask for permission now.
Did you just come up with that?
It's so profound and apt.
Yes, I did.
No twigs for me, please.
I'm avoiding gluten.
And I don't know what gluten is,
but it might be twigs.
The mushrooms are boring.
Thought for sure I'd be tripping by now.
Come on, guys.
This meal is great.
I hardly miss my regular 800 grams
of protein. Is it freezing in here?
Well, someone let our meat
escape from the trap.
It was a German shepherd. With tags!
Tags means it's fresh!
All right, nap time. You'll keep
an eye out for assassins till I'm up.
This is our chance.
We found the location of the Coeur.
Grab your things and let's move.
So, we're not telling Caryn?
Don't worry, I love keeping secrets
with my teeny little mouth.
I'm sure she'll understand.
If by some miracle we don't die
in a booby trap on our way out of here,
how are we gonna get
to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean
undetected by Caryn and the AIA?
As much as it hurts me
to say this about the Subaru,
she doesn't have the range.
Hold that thought.
I think I hear a little girl outside.
Mira, babe, I promise.
I'll only be on this mission
a little longer and then I'll come over
Hey!
I was talking to my girlfriend,
the princess of Gyenorvya.
Yeah, that's right,
she's my girlfriend now.
And I only had to ask
"What are we?" three times.
We're off the grid,
which means no phone sex.
It wasn't phone sex!
You'd know if it was phone sex.
I'm a screamer.
I was bragging about how great a time
I'm having with Q-Force.
Oh, seriously? Well, that's kind of nice.
Despite how dangerous and stupid it is
to even have your phone on
while we're on the lam.
Wait, we need a jet to get us
to the middle of the ocean.
Maybe the princess can help us.
- I bet she would.
- Great! Call her back.
She loves the LGBBQ community.
That's why she's hosting World Pride.
Wait. Why aren't you guys going to that?
Are you not prideful?
Let's talk about that. That's sad.
Just ask her for the fucking jet!
Man, that Caryn's two helpings
of cuckoo puffs and a side of bananas.
Hey, Q-ties! Welcome to my jet.
It's got stealth technology,
an impact-proof hull,
and a great foot spa if you guys decide
to give each other pedis in the sky.
Thanks for letting us use this,
Your Highness.
It's good to know
we have an ally like Gyenorvya.
Ohmygah, of course!
And don't worry about your plane, babe.
We won't wreck it.
Bring it back in one piece
and you can wreck me. Bye!
Damn, I was in such a rush,
I forgot to put on compression socks.
Caryn?
Hey, you guys almost forgot me!
Caryn! Oh, how could we have
overlooked bringing you along?
Let me look at my to-do list.
"Tell Caryn we're going
to the Coeur de la Mer,"
and it's crossed off,
which means I did it.
Mary, could I borrow you for a sec?
What are we gonna do?
Oh, she probably still remembers
how to use a parachute.
I'll lure her to the emergency exit
with a Biscoff cookie. You
Stop! It's too late.
We're going, she's here.
I mean, she is a little quirky.
Yeah, batshit quirky.
This mission requires precision
and I ruined her. We're fucked!
It's fine, trust me. We're gonna see
this mission to the end, no matter what.
Okay, I've decided
I really belong on a private jet.
I even tried to clog the toilet
and it wouldn't let me. Classy!
We should be arriving now,
but nothing's coming up on the radar.
Are we sure they're the right coordinates?
I spent decades figuring out
where this island was.
I even had my calculations double-checked
by a very smart raven
I taught to do basic cartography.
Well, I'm not radar,
but I think I'm detecting
an island right outside my window.
Wait, it's literally a whole island?
I thought your coordinates
would take us directly to the facility.
The Coeur de la Mer is there somewhere.
Yeah, somewhere.
You know where it is, right? Right?
This island is cute.
If I'd known Dirk had an island,
I would've been way more into him.
The things I did
to David Copperfield
Okay, Caryn, where exactly is the Coeur?
- Well, I'm pretty sure
- You're pretty sure?
Because if you're wrong,
we're pretty dead.
Hey, back off! You're being tougher on me
than that mean raven!
So we're in the most dangerous,
top-secret location in the world
and we have no idea where we're going.
That's literally verbatim
what I said to Ben Platt
when we got lost
in Barbra Streisand's basement mall.
Everybody relax. Tracking's
one of my hundreds of specialties,
or have you all forgotten
that I was on Survivor?
I don't care if the challenge
ended four hours ago!
I'm not doing this for immunity.
I'm doing it for me.
I was known for two things in my season,
tracking players looking for idols
and setting the record
for most blurred-out competitor
of all time for excessive nudity.
We thank you for your service.
How that traitor Dranice won Fan Favorite,
I'll never understand.
If there's a bunker
on this island, I can find it.
I'm sure you can.
Okay, Buck, you stay with the jet
and wait for our upload.
Everyone else,
follow Deb blindly into the jungle.
Free the nip indeed, Deborah!
So, Survivor is just a game where people
live like me but the weather's nice
and occasionally they give you bad pizza
to eat on the ground? Sounds easy.
Are you sure we're on the right track?
Yeah, we wasted a lot of time
digging up cassava roots
and making Final Five alliances.
But there's only six of us here
Oh, my God. I'm out!
Please tell me I made jury.
I really want people
to see me with conditioner in my hair!
If I were a Hidden
Immunity Idol, where would I be?
There!
A security camera.
We're on the right track.
Let's keep heading to higher ground.
All the signs pointed
to the entrance being up here,
but I can't smell any modern technology.
This is exactly why I got voted off.
Played too hard, too fast.
Stop! Deb, you're a great survivor.
You're still
the only competitor in over 30 seasons
who didn't get a yeast infection.
That's something!
That bird looks like a helicopter!
A Comanche attack helicopter. Cool.
Oh, we're gonna be dead real soon
if anyone wanted to say anything
about feelings or whatever.
They're only here because we're close.
Way to go, No-Shirt Deb!
Get to the tree line. We can't let
the AIA know Caryn is still alive.
Pull back!
Dirk. Fuck, I hate him!
Wait for our moment.
Let's assess.
Q-Force, I know you're here.
You can come out.
Please, Deb.
I can spot those areolas
in the dead of night, and I have.
Damn, we were
on the same season of Survivor.
She blindsided me after The Merge.
Our cover's blown.
Then there's only one option. Attack!
No! If Dirk sees you,
you'll never be safe.
Let me take care of this.
I won't leave you hanging again.
Hold on. We're not here to fight.
We're here to make a deal.
We're not interested, Dirk.
Drop your weapons.
Cut the shit, Desk.
I said cut the shit, Desk.
I swear, we just want to talk.
You've got five seconds.
Look, Mary, you proved your point.
You're an excellent spy and you followed
the trail right to the end.
But Greyscale happened a long time ago.
It's a relic of an agency
that doesn't even exist anymore.
If you stop right now
and keep this swept under the rug,
you can have anything you want.
A 200% budget increase for WeHo
or be lead agent in Beijing.
Wait, so just like that,
everything I've been asking you for
for ten years could be mine?
Ask him if I can have $100.
Yes, all you have to do is play ball
and the keys to the kingdom are yours.
And isn't this why you got
into this business in the first place,
because you love the AIA
and you want to help protect it?
$100!
Don't do this, Mary.
You can't always foresee
the consequences of a compromise.
Sometimes those consequences show up
when you least expect them.
Caryn! But we got rid of you.
You tried to end her life,
and then you took away my memories of her.
I worked inside the system
and they took a part of me.
Don't make the same mistake, Mary.
I joined the AIA to do good in the world,
not to turn a blind eye to the generation
of agents who were fucked over
and tortured by the very agency
I've dedicated my life to.
I'm not going anywhere
until I've done what I came to do.
Idiot. I just gave you
the world on a silver platter
and you're pissing on it.
The platter's gonna rust.
Last time I shot at you, it was a warning.
This time, it'll be the real goddamn deal.
Take us to the Coeur de la Mer, now!
She did not come here to make friends.
Okay, fine.
Wow.
When I saw that door in SkyMall,
I thought they were kidding.
Director Chunley,
please verify your identity.
When the dogs do this,
it means they ate too much grass.
Dirk, how much grass did you eat?
Too much?
No, dummy. It uses biometrics.
Yeah, like when a British guy asks
how big you are in centimeters.
- What are you all looking at?
- Nothing.
The system needs a large sample.
Yeah, no, very secure. No other way.
Why is your spit the consistency of flan?
I don't drink
a lot of water, okay, Mother?
DNA verified,
access granted.
Wow, what is that?
It's what you came for, idiot.
Inside that thing
are the current whereabouts
of every AIA agent
who was subjected to Greyscale.
Hello,
I am the Coeur de la Mer.
So powerful!
- Stat, do your thing.
- Right. Yeah, uh, computer stuff.
Ding dong! Show me your dick!
Oh, shit, babe, you snuck up on me.
Oh, no, am I in trouble?
No, never, I just like
to prepare for your beauty.
It's like when I stare
into the sun. Ow! But hot.
Oh, my God, you are too sweet,
like my cotton candy vape cartridge!
How's the mission going?
Are you totally slaying?
It's going awesome.
Me and the gays are at this beach
where AIA hides all its secrets.
It looks like the desktop background
that came with my Dell
that I don't know how to change.
Wait, yummy! I love secrets. Tell me more.
I, like, eat them. I'm random.
Well, open wide, because the team
is sending a big load my way
and I'm ready to receive it.
Oh, that sounds hot! I wish
you were sending a big load my way.
Oh, shit, I didn't even
realize the double meaning!
Babe, when can I see you next?
I don't know how much longer I can wait.
I'm in. I got the Greyscale info,
the current whereabouts
of every agent the AIA ever fucked with.
Upload it to the princess' jet.
Also, print a copy.
Daddy's feeling old school.
I know we're enemies, but I gotta ask,
what does Greyscale even do?
Back in the day,
the AIA used it to brainwash agents,
especially queer agents.
Are you sure? The Agency's so nice!
They let me spend my two vacation days
a decade on any naval base I want!
Damn. I don't even know
where to start with that.
Mary, you got what you wanted. Let's go.
Uh, Mary, there's a lot
of other shit on this server.
It's not just old projects like Greyscale.
There are active secret operations.
They're just tax forms
and healthcare records. Boring stuff.
It'd bore you.
Ignore the files behind the curtain.
They're still fucking
with agents and civilians
in ways they don't want us to know about!
Wait, there's worse stuff
than Greyscale on there?
No, the country's
most powerful intelligence agency
stopped at erasing people's memories.
Of course there's more.
What are you, V, a stupid idiot baby?
Oh, my God. I've been so naive.
I am a stupid idiot baby.
I was dumb once
and it was so embarrassing,
but then I made my ponytail looser
and I was totally smart again.
You know what, Stat?
Upload everything to the plane.
What? Why? I said it was boring.
Yeah, I don't trust you.
And I bet all these files
will make a good insurance policy,
you know, in case you decide to fuck us.
Okay, we've got it all.
Enough already.
Are you girls done yet? Can we go?
No, wait.
I've let you down over and over again,
and not just you.
For decades,
I've been letting people down.
Q-Force, the country, myself.
I lost the fire in my belly,
but it's back.
It's time to make these fuckers pay
for what they did and what they're doing.
The AIA is going down.
- What?
- What?
Let's finish what we started.
We're blowing up the Coeur, Mary.
Don't listen to her.
She's lost her mind! I'm your real friend.
If you do this, V, you won't just destroy
the projects on the server,
you'll disrupt the entire
AIA communication system.
It'll be days until the system
is back up and running.
Without a way to contact our agents,
all of America will be vulnerable.
And once we're back online,
we'll hunt you to the ends of the earth.
Maybe so, but at least
for a bit, it'll be a fair fight.
Welp, welcome to the new AIA, I guess.
You idiot! You'll all pay for this!
Not me, though, right? I'm broke.
Hiya!
Why are you helping us?
I never knew the AIA
was so homophobic until today.
I know this is shocking, but I'm gay.
No shit.
Yeah, you're, like, gayer than me.
Can you also taste songs?
I'll hold off the robots as long as I can.
Consider this your Hidden Immunity Idol.
I can't believe
we just hit reset on the entire AIA.
I mean, worst case, we got a backup
of the data on the princess' jet.
Where the hell is the jet?
I swear I parked it right here.
No one saw
any street cleaning signs, did they?
I'm gonna kill Buck!
Thanks, bitches.
My jet's flying toward me right now
with a jacked prisoner
and all of your agency's secrets.
What's going on?
The plane's haunted. Help me!
Jackpot much?
I knew you'd come in handy
one day. I love gays.
Now I have all the blackmail info,
nuclear codes and personal data I'll need
to launch myself and my country onto
the international stage at World Pride.
Drink it in, girls. I'm gonna be way
too powerful to talk to on the phone soon.
A female villain who is young?
Gonna have to stan on that one.
Holy shit. The princess is evil?
And she played us
like six sexy and courageous,
though often underestimated, fiddles.
I always had a bad feeling about her.
She has her read receipts on,
the true sign of a psychopath.
Look what you've all done.
The AIA systems are shut down
for who knows how long.
We're completely defenseless against her.
No, not completely defenseless.
You have us and you might hate us,
but now we're your only hope.
And for once,
we're not alone.