Raising Hope s01e09 Episode Script

Good morning, marketeers.
Now, I don't think I need to tell everyone that today is not just any Saturday.
It is the Saturday, the Saturday before the Thursday.
Oh, uh, sorry, Betty.
Thank you.
Why is Betty always the only one with store spirit? What's Thursday? Thanksgiving.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
How could you forget Thanksgiving? We don't really think of it as Thanksgiving.
We think of it as the only Thursday of the year we don't have to work.
Well, that and Senior Skip Day, which my dad still celebrates.
Now, we will start employing subliminal directions.
If somebody asks you where the cereal is, you tell them, "Go to the turkey, make a left, and when you pass the yams "and the cranberry sauce, it'll be on the right-hand side.
" Josh, where are the pickles? They're right behind you.
Okay.
One more time.
I can't believe you don't do anything.
I love Thanksgiving.
Seeing all four of my grandparents together just makes me feel really connected to my family.
I've never met Hope's grandparents.
Lucy never introduced you during your storybook romantic courtship? Oh, right.
You did it in the back of your van, and then she was executed.
You know, it cheapens it when you say it like that.
Mmm.
Maybe Hope should meet her grandparents.
All right, crew, let's bring it in.
Come on.
Store opens in 30 seconds.
Chop-chop.
We only get one shot at this.
Okay, team.
"Gobble, gobble," on three.
One, two, three.
Gobble, gobble! This is why our softball team sucks.
Here we go, oh, oh, oh Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh Birth control, no, no, no Let it roll, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh What are you guys doing here? We wanted to talk to you about what we're going to blow up on Thursday.
Yeah, we found a deer head some hunter left in the woods.
It would be spectacular.
And I think it would be disrespectful and macabre.
Ever since you learned that word, everything is macabre to you.
Listen, guys.
I'm not sure I can blow something up this year.
Pretty sure I'm going to do a family thing.
But, for the record, I think the deer head sounds awesome.
So you're just blowing us off for a family thing? Dude, that is macabre.
I can't believe you bought a turkey.
For all the money you spent on that thing, you have any idea how many pizzas we could have bought? Two.
I'm not going to deprive Hope of Thanksgiving the way you deprived me.
We're having turkey.
And I'm thinking of inviting Hope's other grandparents over.
The murderer's parents? That's crazy.
We don't even know those people.
Creeps me out, the thought of sharing our table with the parents of a serial killer.
Would you eat with Mr.
And Mrs.
Dahmer? Or the parents of that chimp that ate that lady's face? That's creepy, man.
Creepy.
Look, guys, I know we may not be able to get Hope the best things in life or even the second best things.
We may be able to get her the third best things, but even those will probably come secondhand.
This is something we can actually do.
Now, as a parent Fine, if it'll get you to end your big, stupid speech, we'll do it.
Great.
That's two and a half hours we'll never get back.
Hey.
I'm Jimmy.
I tried calling, but I felt weird saying this on a machine.
I'm the guy who impregnated your daughter before she got electrocuted.
Oh! Oh! Oh, my.
Well Well, hello.
I'm Dale.
You can call me Dr.
Dale, because I'm a doctor.
But just call her Margine because she's not a doctor.
So I'm going to go to the kitchen and make some iced tea for the person who is here.
Is she okay? Well, Margine has not handled the fact that our daughter became a serial killer very well.
But we're getting there! We're not getting there.
Yeah, the psychiatric community frowns on therapists treating their spouses, but she was my patient before we started dating, so Here's your iced tea.
- It's empty.
- Just drink her iced tea.
Mmm! Listen.
I came over to invite you over to our house for Thanksgiving.
You could meet your granddaughter.
She's pretty cute.
I got her picture here.
Keep it in my wallet next to the condom I always carry with me now.
You know.
Fool me once, right? No? She's funny.
She has, like You know, maybe it is time for Margine to take the next step in her therapeutic process.
- We'll be there.
- No, we won't! Don't listen to her.
She's crazy.
Guys? Good news.
Lucy's parents are coming.
What's their deal? Are they weird? Weird? No.
They're not weird.
- They're weird.
- I can't stand weird people.
Stop doing that! Get down.
Do we really have to use Maw Maw's coffin as a dinner table? It's the only thing we own that seats seven.
Anyway, it's not necessarily for Maw Maw.
It's for whoever dies first.
Can't be me.
It's too short.
Unless I die in a magic trick.
Which is never gonna happen because no matter how high I raise my hand, they never pick me as a volunteer.
Somebody parked a clown car in front of our house.
That's one of those cars you told me I'd never be able to lift up all by myself.
I'm gonna go lift it.
Dad, don't.
I think that's the Carlyle's.
Sorry we're early.
But Margine can only leave the house when all the numbers in the digital clocks are the same, so we left at 11:11, because if we left at 1:11, we'd be late.
Okay.
Well, do you want to come in? Margine, do you think you're ready to meet your granddaughter? Yeah, I still think we need a few minutes.
I'm doing it! I'm doing it! Virginia! I'm lifting a car! You think you can steal my table just because you slept with the boss.
Maw Maw, no! What the hell? She saw the food and now she thinks she's still working the lunch counter at Woolworth's in 1949.
Eighty-six! Turkey! I think it's okay.
Five second rule, right? Well, you can forget about Thanksgiving.
It's too late to cook and the stores are closed.
I can fix this! Go for Barney.
James, it's Thanksgiving day.
I knew it was a long shot.
Our dinner got ruined.
I figured I could maybe go down to the store and pick up some things.
Throw something together.
Well, this party I'm at is kind of dying down.
Aunt Mildred, don't hog all the giblets.
Text me your address and any food allergies, and I'll come whip up a meal.
See, that's not really what I Hello? Deep breaths.
Visualize yourself in a beautiful place.
Do any of these burners work? Half of the right front one.
You have to put the center of the pot in the middle of that half and then balance it with a lid.
Hi! Come in.
Come in.
I'm Virginia.
This is my husband, Burt.
Hello.
I'm Dale.
This is my wife, Margine.
Nice to meet you, Margine.
Yeah, it's probably best no one touch each other yet.
Don't worry.
She won't burn anything.
She just needs to feel some pain to calm herself down.
I can't wait to do this every year.
I think I know what will cheer her up.
I'll go get Hope up from her nap.
No, no.
Too soon for that.
I think Margine is uncomfortable here because this is bringing up some of her feelings about Lucy.
You know, what might help is some role-playing.
Virginia, will you pretend to be Lucy? I'd really rather not.
This is important to the therapy.
Hmm? Burt? Will you pretend to be Lucy? Sounds great.
What do you want? Young Lucy? Prison Lucy? Ghost Lucy? Whatever Lucy you want will be fine.
- Can I do it with a Spanish accent? - Let's keep it simple.
I'm Lucy.
I'm a pretty, pretty girl.
I have medium-sized boobies.
Okay, then.
You guys enjoy your little game.
Call me when dinner's ready.
Mom? Help! What? What? - Help! - What the hell's going on? This little pipsqueak cook sent me out there to serve runny eggs to the mayor! Easy.
Easy.
I don't know what she's talking about.
But she keeps making me look at a napkin full of her snot.
Barbara, I need you to stay in this storeroom and take inventory.
Jimmy, we don't want to mess with your traditional family thing, but we need something else to blow up.
Javier wussed out on the deer head.
I looked into his eyes, and he touched my soul.
You can blow up anything you find in the yard.
I just need you to keep Maw Maw busy while I'm giving Hope her traditional Thanksgiving.
You boys cannot come in this store.
You have to sit out in the colored section.
Looks like she's stuck back at Woolworth's again.
Follow me.
Don't you stare at my keister.
No, stop punishing yourself.
I am not gonna let you take the blame for the awful things that I did.
That means so much to me.
Mama, it's okay.
Jimmy, this is going fantastically well.
I think Margine is ready to meet the baby.
I know I shouldn't have avoided you, but I was scared that somehow you'd be like Lucy.
And that somehow that would be my fault, too.
But you're just an adorable little treasure.
There's not a bad bone in your body.
- No.
- Pick her up, Margine.
Give her time, Dad.
Jeez! Should I? Well, Mom, you'll be happy to know that Margine has bonded with Hope, Dad's having fun.
If you come join us, I think we can actually have a real Thanksgiving.
What the hey? I'm drunk and my team is up three kicking points.
Let's go talk to Dr.
Dumbass and his nutball wife.
That's the spirit.
Okay, - who's who? - I'm Lucy.
Everyone else is pretty much themselves.
Which means you can be Virginia.
Or Burt.
I'm gonna stick with me.
"Lucy," I am very sorry I was not a better hostess when you visited.
I am sure you did not expect me to hit you on the head with the TV.
When did you hit Lucy with the TV? Right before I called the police.
And the TV has not worked the same since, by the way.
Not that you need to buy me a new one, but - You're the ones that turned Lucy in? - Yeah.
It's sort of a family policy to call for help when there's a murderer in the house.
But that was my daughter.
Who was a murderer.
So, Margine, you play any instruments? You know, you keep saying "murderer" like we're the only parents who have a kid with issues.
I mean, yours is a slacker who still lives at home.
Hey, time out.
I'm gonna have to step out of Lucy here for a second.
We really being judged by the couple of parents of serial killers? Yeah, a serial killer with a college degree.
Who had her own apartment.
Which was a lot nicer than this dump! Whoa! Okay, Mom, Dad, bedroom.
Guys, relax.
So they called me a slacker.
Slacker's not even the worst thing I've been called today, by you.
That's different.
I'm allowed to criticize you.
I made you.
You're my mistake.
Look, I know that this is a big pain, but it's worth it, 'cause Hope's gonna get a tradition out of it.
We just have to get through one meal a year with these people, and then we can spend the rest of the year making fun of them.
Why would I want to make fun of people? You always make me out to be such a monster.
You with your beady eyes and your Ruth Buzzi haircut.
Tell me you didn't enjoy that.
Where did the weirdos go? Hey.
Where's Hope? Did those sons of bitches steal our baby? FYI, I had to switch allspice for the nutmeg, so we'll be missing some of the low notes on the sweet potatoes.
I shouldn't have told them that.
Let's just call the cops, they'll lock up these fruitcakes and we can get our baby back.
Hope's already lost her mom to jail, I don't want her losing her grandparents, too.
I'm going around back to see if the windows are locked.
Look, Dr.
Dale, I could've called the police, but I didn't, all right? If you give Hope back now, we can all still have a nice turkey dinner together, and this will all just be a silly story we laugh about years from now.
It's too late.
Margine's bonded with the baby now.
And the truth is, we can raise Hope far better than a man in suspended adolescence, his bipolar, alcoholic mother and the Well, whatever this one is.
Pool guy! Look, now, I admit we didn't do a perfect job with Lucy, but mistakes are why pencils have erasers, why they have that little "delete" button, it's why they invented Wite-Out What? Go, go, go, go, go.
Hey.
What's Shelley doing here? We couldn't handle Maw Maw alone.
She thought I was talking about civil rights.
Then she started spraying me with the garden hose.
Your knowledge of racial slurs is quite extensive And saying certain words can be offensive We weren't so equal many years ago Back then prejudice was status quo People's brains were in their behinds and yours is stuck in 1949, hey Hey, hey.
Oh, God, they're back.
I'll hold 'em off, you go get the TV.
No, no, wait, wait, no, we didn't We didn't come to fight, we just came to apologize.
You had every right to hit me with the TV.
Just like you had every right to hit our daughter with a TV.
We're not good parents, we'd probably ruin Hope the same way we ruined Lucy.
And I know she said her crimes were not my fault, but That was probably your husband talking.
So we just wanted to say we're sorry.
Hang on, hang on.
It took a lot for you to come here and admit you were wrong.
I know what it's like to feel like a bad parent.
Jimmy's always yapping in my ear about what a crappy job we did raising him.
What are you doing? They tried to steal the baby.
Who among us has not done something crazy? I got a tattoo of a foot on my foot.
Grown-ups are talking now, hon.
Look, we can't undo the mistakes we made as parents.
All we can do is try to be good grandparents.
And I think that means making a good tradition for Hope.
Great! So everyone forgives everyone? Let's go make a memory! Burt, would you like to say grace? Rock on.
What up, God? Thank you for my family, and even though this baby is the last thing we wanted, she's turned out to be pretty cool.
As for this meal, I don't really like turkey, but thank you for my good hair, which thou hath not takeneth away, my strong jaw, straight teeth, rock-hard abs and They took Hope.
Again.
Damn it! Hope you enjoy spending the next five to 10 Thanksgivings in jail, bitch! Boy, at my age, you think you've seen it all, and boom, something else happens.
I slaved over a hot oven all day, and then you guys just run off, and my food gets cold and ruined.
I hope getting your precious baby back was worth it.
You were right, Mom.
I shouldn't have tried to start some silly new tradition.
Trying is the first step to sucking.
Lesson learned.
Worst Thanksgiving ever.
We had this cheese sauce, it irritated my dad's IBS.
He spent the whole afternoon in the bathroom, but forced us to include him via video chat.
Yeah, well, my baby was stolen.
Twice.
I can't beat that.
Let's drink! All my plans went to crap.
We didn't start the perfect Thanksgiving tradition with a big family sitting around a turkey.
But when you think about it, maybe we stumbled into an even better tradition.
You're not surrounded by a lot of relatives, but you're surrounded by people who helped you out and stuck around when things started to really fall apart.
Here we go, everyone.
Happy Thanksgiving.
They're your real family.
Not so much the people who kidnap you.
Twice.
- What are you thankful for? - What are you thankful for? - What are you thankful for? - What are you thankful for? Señoritas are thankful for señors Charlie Sheen is thankful for his whores My underwear is thankful for my Underwear drawer What are you thankful for? My daughter.
Button-fly jeans! I'm thankful Maw Maw's still alive.
I'm thankful for gastric bypass surgery.
I used to be 400 pounds.
We're thankful for gunpowder.
Albuquerque is a turkey And he's feathered and he's fine And he wobbles and he gobbles and he's absolutely mine There you go.
Man, that is macabre.
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