Rel (2018) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Rel is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Man, you about to be God's favorite pastor, 'cause this custom robe is heavenly.
That it is.
I'm gonna tell you this.
Sister Brittany, you have outdone yourself.
I'm officially the most lit pastor - in the city of Chicago.
- (CHUCKLES) I cannot wait for my congregation to see this.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, hopefully, when they see this, they'll stop talking about, uh, Deacon Dwayne's dashiki.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, Pastor, sorry, I didn't get a chance to ring you up.
I thought I was getting the pastor's discount.
What's the pastor's discount? I take it, and I just keep walking.
Okay, what you don't realize is I'm an advertisement for your business.
I'm a community influencer.
I influence everybody.
All I'm saying is, Sister Brittany, I walk out of here with this, you'll have every pastor in the state of Illinois calling you to make their robes.
- Hmm.
- How 'bout this? For payment, I'll give you an absolution.
What's an absolution? Well, it's where I bless you and wash away all your sins.
See, I'm already starting the absolutions.
See? Hey, Pastor.
(GROANS) Oh, man, I'm-a tell you this.
This sign spinning game is serious.
I almost got jumped on by three other sign spinners.
How you doing in here? Good.
I sold two dresses, and I got a Get Out of Hell Free card from the pastor.
(CHUCKLES) What you doing here? Hi, Brittany, honey.
I-I know it's been a long time.
Ms.
Monique? Hi, Rel.
It's good to see you.
- Uh, Brittany, I was just hoping - No.
No.
I guess that wasn't the happy mother-daughter reunion I was hoping for.
I mean, I don't know what to tell you.
I mean, you been a pretty terrible mom.
I mean, listen, I've been back for a few months.
I'm just trying to get my life together.
I'm not chasing any random ball players or musicians anymore.
I actually got a steady job.
I'm not partying like I used to.
Yeah, I mean (SNIFFS) you don't smell like Hennessy.
Rel, listen, I don't want to put you in the middle of this, but I just need you to please, - just have her call me, okay? - You can't say you don't want to put me in the middle and then you give me your number like that.
Hey, hey.
You know? So you better get out of here, because you ain't supposed to be here.
Brittany don't want you in her store! Leave! I can't make no promises.
Get out of here.
I'll try something.
- Okay? Yes.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Okay.
Please, Rel.
Please.
- Bye.
- Thank you.
Hey, uh, I won't I won't spin the signs no more, so you ain't got to jump me.
This how we do it in the Chi On the West Side Where we always keep it tippin' Man, that ain't no lie Oh, oh, oh.
I can't believe her, just popping up in my pop-up.
Poppity-ass bitch.
Yeah.
That's why, when she tried to give me that phone number, I was like, "Oh, no, lady, it's too late.
You blew it.
" Thanks, Rel.
You always got my back.
You damn right I do.
But here's her number.
I'm not calling her.
What, you forgot how she would always drop everything for a come-up? She wasn't a mom, yo.
She was a professional groupie.
Like that time in Minnesota when she ditched me to try to trap Latrell Sprewell.
I mean, look, that was just a bad move altogether.
You know, that was post-choke, you know what I mean? (SIGHS) She just made horrible dating choices in general.
Like, remember when we were freshmen, she hooked up with that senior Devon? Do you know how embarrassing it is for your mom to drop you off to school and kiss you and your classmate good-bye? Okay, but-but, in your mom's defense, you know, Devon was a super senior.
He was 23 years old.
And, look, look, look, let's-let's think about the good memories, right? You remember when your ma used to let us stay up all night and watch any movie we wanted? You remember the time she let us watch Candyman? We were in elementary school.
We we supposed to be watching stuff about mermaids, not serial killers.
I mean, come on, it was fun, huh? You remember.
Candyman.
Candyman You still won't say it a third time.
Look, Rel, all that stuff might have been fun for you, but that's 'cause you didn't have to deal with being raised by her.
I just wanted a mom like you had.
Look, you did.
My mom loved you, all right? But Ms.
Monique coming back, you know, and reaching out to you, ma-maybe she's trying this time.
- (SIGHS) - I'm serious.
The one thing I learned from my mom passing is that y-you never know how long somebody is here.
(SIGHS) Look, Brit, give her a call.
Damn you, Rel.
You always make me do this.
Do what? Feel.
Candyman.
Oh! Wait, you can't Whew.
You won't believe what just happened.
Tell me.
I'll believe anything.
(CHUCKLES): All right.
I'm walking down the street, minding my own business.
So, this guy is trying to change his flat tire.
He don't even know what he's doing.
The jack is all jacked up.
The lug nuts are stripped.
And I'm trying not to make eye contact, 'cause I don't want to help.
But then he catches my eye.
I said, "Damn.
" Being the good Christian I am, so I stopped and I helped him.
That's unbelievable.
No, that's not the unbelievable part.
He was the Bulls' mascot, and he gave me two tickets to the Bulls game.
Fourth row, right behind the team.
What? Wait.
(SCOFFS) I know you're taking me.
Well, you know what, you do need a pick-me-up, but you just got out of prison and you don't have a job.
But your brother Rel needs a pick-me-up, 'cause he just got separated from his wife.
So, you know, the problem is we got two equally depressed kids.
It's hard to figure which one to help.
Sound like you got a Sophie's choice.
I had one of those once.
I was dating two chicks named Sophie.
Well, I could just go to the game by myself, use the extra legroom.
Or you could take a third person so your boys don't have to fight each other.
You know what, man? Drinks on the house.
Dad, yo, give me the tickets.
Look, Rel don't even have to know about it.
Jake ain't coming.
Please, man, I need this.
- What up, playboy? - What up, fam? Your dad scored Bulls tickets, and your brother's trying to make sure you never find out.
Well played, Jake.
Well, look, if Dad gonna take anybody to the Bulls game, it's gonna be me, 'cause I did something remarkable today.
I reunited Brittany with her mom.
Mm-hmm.
It was so powerful, too.
It was it was like the human version of Finding Nemo.
Why would you do that, man? That's stupid.
Huh? You just dropped down to third place on this.
What do you mean third place? You know what I mean? What Brittany's dad was gone when sh before she was even born, right? Don't she deserve to have a relationship with one parent? Yes, she does.
But Monique ain't the one, man.
She is not a good mom.
She's proven that time and time again.
But people do change, Dad.
Monique can't.
It's like Popeye.
Remember he said, "I am what I am"? Well, she is what she is.
Wait, who's Popeye? That's the vegan sailor that solved everything with violence.
Look, Dad, no disrespect, but I used to hang out at Brittany's house all the time.
Monique is a lot of fun.
Well, you know, you were a kid.
Of course you had fun.
And Monique was fun.
I remember, one time, she had a O.
J.
acquittal party.
If you wore a glove that didn't fit, you got in free.
But as a mom, she was a mess.
Guess who she had down as emergency contact for-for the school.
Me and your mom.
Wow.
Brittany never told me that.
'Cause she was embarrassed.
Look, one time, her mother passed out on the front porch, and Brittany called me at 2:00 in the morning, asking me if I'd help her carry her mother in the house.
You think that's the kind of story she wants to share with her friend? She's only ten years old.
Look, no, but but what I saw today was a was a whole new person.
All right.
Well, I hope for Brittany's sake that you're right.
But you're not, 'cause I am.
And I hope you prove me wrong.
But you won't, 'cause I'm right.
- All right, here you go.
- Ah, Sister Brittany, you are a lifesaver.
You would not believe how embarrassing it was for me.
In the middle of my sermon, one of the buttons just popped off and hit Mother Beatrice right in the eye.
Geez.
She's a bit injured.
But we're good now.
You know, I bought her a purse to match her eye patch.
Now, I want you to notice.
It wasn't my personal weight that did that.
You know, that was the weight of the of the Lord's word.
Mm.
See, that's what I thought.
That's why I put some extra space in there, for the Lord's weight.
Thank you for calling me.
Don't thank me.
Thank Rel.
He had to convince me to call you.
(PASTOR CLEARS THROAT) This seems a bit uncomfortable, and I probably shouldn't be standing here.
So, what I'm-a do, I'm-a go back there and change.
But before I go, I wouldn't be the man of God that I am if I don't pray for y'all.
Come on, Sister Brittany.
Come on.
Come around here.
I'm assuming this is your mother, right? Hey, ma'am.
Okay.
Bow your heads.
Father God, we come to you humble and hungry for your word.
Brittany's mom hasn't been there for her, but, God, you've seen it before, right? You've seen it in all our lives.
You know, my daughter hasn't seen my ex-wife in decades.
But it's okay, because I had to be the mama and the daddy.
You know, I had to braid the hair and-and learn what a menstrual cycle was.
But I digress.
This ain't about me.
It's about these two, God.
Amen.
Brittany, I was a terrible mom.
I was selfish, I was immature, and I had a lot of work to do on myself.
And I was in denial of that.
You know, you were so good at taking care of yourself that I felt like you didn't even need me.
(SCOFFS) No, remember when you were six years old, you would make those little scrambled eggs? Well, those were my hangover cure.
You were so responsible, and I just didn't deserve you.
Well, thank you for saying that.
You have no reason to forgive me, and I'm not asking you to do that.
(SNIFFLES) But, baby, if you could just give me a chance to just earn your love and respect again, honey, I promise you, I will do the work.
You know what, as much as I resented you it seems like you grew up.
I have.
Well, if you're serious about what you're saying this time, I guess I'm open to giving you a shot, Mom.
Thank you.
Can I hug my baby girl? Sure, Mom.
Praise God! Mm-mm-mm.
When God shows up, he shows out! Amen.
Now, look, uh, one of these buttons might pop off again.
I had a piece of chicken back there.
(PHONE VIBRATES) Oh, look at this.
Brittany's mom just posted a photo on Instagram of her and Brittany.
Oh, the caption's "Having so much fun with my daughter.
" See, I was right to bring them together.
(LAUGHS) I don't think so.
I mean, think about it, man.
When's the last time we took a picture together and you posted it and said we're having a good time? - Never.
- Exactly.
Instagram is not about having a good time.
It's people pretending to have a good time.
But, Dad, you don't even have Instagram.
I don't need things to know things.
He don't have a job, but you know what it is, right? See, people base relationships on how high the highs are compared to how low the lows are.
But it's more about how middle-y are the middles.
Wait, "middle-y are the middles"? What are you talking about? This is a middle moment right now.
We're sitting here, playing cards.
Grown men playing Go Fish, a child's game.
Look, I'm bored to death.
I'm looking at y'all, I want to fall asleep.
And that's a good thing.
Come on.
Take a picture.
See for yourself.
No, no.
Not how we're supposed to look.
How we really feel.
See? See? Bored to death.
That's how a family that loves each other looks.
See, look, if I take one of y'all to the game, I-I'm feeling that the expectations of this game will get you guys so euphoric and so high, you'll leave the game thinking, "Why, I can-I can take on the world," but really, you still don't have a job, and your woman is still gone.
You can go into a deep, deep depression I can't get you out of.
And I ain't paying for all them drugs.
I ain't helping y'all like that.
So I'm gonna take Jake the bartender.
Come on, now.
Middles, son.
Middles.
Thank you.
Man, this is one of my favorite stores.
- Yeah.
- I like to walk around and just imagine my clothes on these shelves.
And have all the teenagers come in here shoplifting my stuff.
(LAUGHS) Honey, your stuff is just as good as anything in this store.
They should be carrying your designs.
Girl, one day.
(CHUCKLES) Well, maybe that one day is today.
Uh, excuse me? Hi, sir.
Are-are you the manager here? Ma, what you doing? I may not have the skills to be a mom, but what I am is an amazing hustler.
Let me use that skill to help you out.
Well, Mom, Mom.
Just don't take your clothes off, or his clothes.
I'm William, the department manager.
How can I help you? Hi, how are you? I'm Doris Johnson.
I'm the fashion agent to the stars.
And this here is my client.
She's a young designer in Chicago, but it seems like you're not carrying any of her clothes in here Oh, well, we're not acquainted with your client.
Does the name Malia Obama mean anything to you? Of course.
Well, who do you think designed the scarf that Malia wore at her brunch the day after her high school graduation? I did.
(CHUCKLES) I you know.
The Obamas, they just love my graduation brunch scarves.
I don't think that graduation brunch scarves are a thing.
It's a black thing.
So sorry.
I had no idea.
You know what? You are way behind the times, and your store is gonna be out of business if you don't get a designer here that people actually care about.
Well, uh, maybe we can start on consignment with a few of your pieces.
Oh, my God.
I'd be so Insulted.
Insulted.
My client, she's above consignment.
- I am? - Yeah.
- I am.
- Yes.
You know, you need to place a real order, and you need to place it now, or else I'm gonna have to call Malia Obama up and-and tell her that she needs to tweet that this store sucks.
(STAMMERS) Ma'am, I just I can't just Okay.
Let me ask you something, sir.
Look, how does that feel? Soft.
So soft.
That's exactly what Malia said.
- We'll order ten.
- Mm-hmm.
(LAUGHS) Ma, that was incredible.
Thank you.
- It's like a dream come true.
- Yeah, well, let's just hope that they don't Google either of us.
- Now, come on, baby.
- (LAUGHS) All right, listen up, y'all.
This is Sophie number two.
She'll be tending bar tonight while I'm in row four at the Bulls game with Rel and Nat's dad, because he chose me instead of these two idiots.
Man, come on.
Back out, Jake.
Listen, man, Rel already got dinner tonight.
I don't have nothing to do.
Look, kid.
You got played.
That's how it goes.
You think this is the first family I pulled apart for Bulls tickets? In '92, I was at the championship, sitting next to Jordan's dad while his brother was at home crying.
Well, if y'all need me, I'll be at home.
And I won't be crying either.
He's gonna cry.
(CHUCKLES) We hustled the hell out of that man.
Oh, you know, hustling is what I do.
- Yeah, I know.
(LAUGHS) - (REL LAUGHS) There they are.
Huh? How does it feel to be reunited? Does it feel so good? (LAUGHS) You see how I made a-a song a question? - (MONIQUE LAUGHS) - It's incredible.
And Mom got Stafford & Hodges to order some of my scarves, just as long as nobody checks with Malia Obama.
(LAUGHS) Rel, thank you so much for bringing us together.
We're gonna have a good time at dinner tonight.
Yes.
I'm just sorry your dad couldn't join us.
He had Bulls tickets.
I'm just a little mad he didn't invite me.
So I guess you could say, uh, he took over your role as a deadbeat.
(LAUGHS) Too soon? (PHONE CHIMES) Damn, the alarm at the store just went off.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, it should be.
It goes off, like, once a week, but I still got to go check it.
I'll be back in, like, ten minutes.
- Okay.
- Well, cool.
Uh, we'll be here.
- All right.
- Rel, are you gonna let my daughter walk the streets of Chicago at night by herself? - You're a deadbeat friend.
- Oh, I guess it's funny when a deadbeat tells a deadbeat joke, huh? All right.
Come on.
Hi, Jake.
It's been such a long time.
Hey, can I get my usual? - Of course.
I never forget a usual.
- Okay.
Game time! (CHUCKLES) Come on, Jake, man.
Benny the Bull said if we got there early, he'd let us operate the T-shirt gun.
Oh, hell yeah! I'm-a break somebody's teeth tonight.
Let me get my favorite hat.
Is that Milt? - (SQUEALS HAPPILY) - Damn! - Monique is in the house.
- Oh.
It's so good to see you.
- Look at you all dressed up.
- Yeah.
You going to a club or something? Well, no, no.
No more fast life for me.
I'm actually going to dinner with Rel and Brittany.
Yo, man, let's get out of here.
Tip-off, baby.
All right, man.
Just give me a second, okay? - Give me a second.
- All right.
Uh, look, I got to say this.
Speaking of Brittany, you know, uh, she's in a good place right now.
And, Mo, you took her through some stuff, you know, and it hurt me to see her go through all that, all right? So if you're gonna be a mother, you can't have one foot in and one foot out this ain't hokey pokey.
Look, you can't hurt her again, okay? Now, it's good to see you, all right? Y-You look good.
- Thank you.
Good to see you.
- All right.
BRITTANY: What the hell? My money.
Oh, my God.
Brittany, I'm I'm sorry this happened to you.
Why would somebody do this? I don't know.
This is crazy.
Got to call my mom.
(SIGHS) - (PHONE RINGS) - Hi, baby.
What's up? Somebody broke into the store.
Are you okay? No.
It's so bad.
Like, everything is messed up, and I can't Can you just come? Um, okay.
All right, baby, let Um, I-I'll be right there, okay? (SIGHS) Oh, man, where is she at? It's been over an hour.
The police have already been here.
If you can't get here before the Chicago police, you're not trying.
(SIGHS) Brittany Hey, hey, look, um I'm-I'm sorry.
I should've never, I should've never pushed you to reconnect with your mom.
It's not your fault.
This is who she is, and I should've known.
I mean, she asked me for another chance, and I gave it to her, like a dummy.
But when things get tough, she's gone.
(ENTRY BELLS JINGLE) Damn.
Dad, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be - at the Bulls game.
- I was.
Got your text.
I came as soon as I could.
You all right? - Well, I'm doing, you know - Not you! Thanks for coming.
Sorry you're missing the game.
Hey, hey, I don't care about that game.
Family first.
Family first? Was it family when, you know, when it came to those Bulls tickets? That was me saving us from some fake joy.
Now, grab a broom, let's make some real memories.
Why are you standing there with that silly grin, man? Help us clean up! Well, this is a nice present for your wife, shall I wrap it? Oh, no, you ain't got to worry about all that.
I'm-a just go ahead and just take this with me and just put this in my pocket.
Okay, have a blessed day.
Oh, excuse me, excuse me.
Um, you haven't paid for that.
Oh, no.
I thought I was getting the pastor's discount, you know, where I just take it and I just walk away, you know.
You know, 'cause I got a huge congregation, so I let them know this is a store I come to it's gonna get you more business.
Sir, take one more step and I'll call security.
Mm-mm-mm.
Tell you this when you show up to the pearly gates and you got to face God he's gonna remember how you treated me today.
I'm an atheist.
Will that be credit or debit? - That'll be debit.
- Okay, great.