Rhoda (1974) s01e09 Episode Script

- MY NAME IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX, NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FEL RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER LIKING THAT LIKED ME BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD, AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- OH, THANKS, BREN.
AHH.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY YOU MOVED IN.
AND HERE YOU ARE MOVING OUT TO GET MARRIED.
- YEAH.
WELL, SOMEDAY IT'S GONNA HAPPEN FOR YOU, BRENDA.
YOU MEET A WONDERFUL GUY, FALL IN LOVE, DECIDE TO GE MARRIED, AND BE JUST AS NAUSEOUS AS I AM RIGHT NOW.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
OH, THAT'S JOE FOR THE TRUNK.
LISTEN, CAN YOU-- - I GOT IT.
- THANK YOU.
- HIYA, JOE.
- HI, HONEY.
- HIYA, BREN.
- HELLO, JOE.
MMM, I'M GONNA MISS THAT AROUND HERE, TOO.
THE LINGERING SCEN OF AQUA VELVA.
- TRUNK'S READY, HUH? - YEAH, IT'S ALL READY, JOE.
LISTEN, WHY DON'T I GE CARLTON TO GIVE YOU A HAND? - THE DOORMAN? - YEAH.
- NO, HE'S REALLY LOADED AGAIN.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN REALLY? - HE JUST BLEW HIS WHISTLE TO HAIL ME AN ELEVATOR.
[DOOR BUZZER.]
- HELLO? - UH, THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
UH, FROM YOUR LOBBY.
YOU KNOW? - GOOD, CARLTON, YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.
WHAT IS IT? - THERE'S A STRANGE WOMAN ON HER WAY UP.
- STRANGE WOMAN? WHY DIDN'T YOU FIND OUT WHO IT IS? - I KNOW WHO IT IS.
IT'S YOUR MOTHER.
- THANKS.
YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT BE MY IMAGINATION, BUT I THINK I'M STARTING TO SMELL SCOTCH COMING THROUGH THIS THING.
- HEY, WHAT'S MA DOING HERE? - SHE'S PROBABLY COMING TO REOPEN NEGOTIATIONS.
- THERE'S NOTHING TO NEGOTIATE.
WE DECIDED TO GET MARRIED QUIETLY IN THE JUDGE'S CHAMBERS, AND THAT'S IT.
RIGHT, JOE? - HEY, IT'S UP TO YOU.
I'M STAYING OUT OF IT.
I'M STILL GETTING OVER MY FIRST WEDDING.
- BAD, HUH? - WELL, I KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE WHEN THE MINISTER SAID, "YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE," AND SHE SAID, "DON' SMEAR MY MAKEUP.
" [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- THERE SHE IS.
- HI, MA.
- HI, RHODA.
- HI, BRENDA.
- HI, MA.
- HI THERE, SON-IN-LAW.
- HI, IDA.
- TELL ME, JOE, ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT SUNDAY? WELL, YOU KNOW, SOME MEN ON THEIR WEDDING MORNING WAKE UP WITH CRAZY THOUGHTS IN THEIR HEAD, LIKE, "SHOULD I GO THROUGH WITH THIS?" LET ME REASSURE YOU, YOU SHOULD.
- IT'S REALLY GONNA BE FUN HAVING YOU FOR A MOTHER-IN-LAW, IDA.
- WHY DON'T YOU EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT? - MA, WHEN DID I EVER GIVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT I DIDN' THINK YOU WEREFUN? - OK, IDA, LET ME GET THIS TRUNK OUT OF HERE.
- JOE, LIFT WITH THE LEGS.
DON'T STRAIN YOURSELF BEFORE THE WEDDING.
- I'LL SEE YOU LATER, RHODA.
- YEAH, BYE, JOE.
- RHO, I'M GONNA CLEAN SOME OF YOUR STUFF OUT OF THE BATHROOM FOR YOU.
- OH, THANKS, BRENDA, THAT'S GREAT.
- OH, RHODA, RHODA.
- WHAT? - TO THINK THAT IN TWO DAYS MY FIRST BORN WILL BE MARRIED.
- YEAH.
- WHERE ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED AGAIN? I KEEP FORGETTING.
- MA, WE HAVE BEEN AROUND ON THIS A DOZEN TIMES NOW.
NOW JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THA I AM NOT HAVING A BIG WEDDING.
YOU'D SAVE US BOTH A LOT OF TROUBLE IF YOU JUST LET ME DO THIS MY OWN WAY, HUH? - YOU THINK THIS IS FOR ME? - MM-HMM.
- FOR ME? - WELL, FORGET ME.
I'M NOT IMPORTANT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR FATHER? THINK OF HIS FEELINGS.
- I KNOW IT DOESN' MATTER TO POP.
- IT DOESN'T MATTER TO POP.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, LITTLE LADY, THAT JUST THE OTHER DAY I HEARD THAT POOR MAN SAY TO YOUR AUNT ROSE, "IF RHODA DOESN'T HAVE A BIG WEDDING, THERE WILL BE NO LIVING WITH IDA.
" - BRENDA, DID YOU HEAR THIS? DO YOU BELIEVE THIS PERSON? I'M GONNA BE MARRIED IN 48 HOURS AND SHE IS STILL TRYING TO CHANGE MY WEDDING PLANS.
- I'M NOT TRYING TO DO ANYTHING.
THE SITUATION HERE IS THA I'VE ALREADY DONE SOMETHING.
- IF NOBODY ASKS WHAT, I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
- WELL, I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT NOBODY ASKS WHAT, BECAUSE WHAT I'VE DONE WOULD BE VERY HARD TO TELL YOU BECAUSE IT'S HUGE.
AND ONLY A MOTHER WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE DONE THIS.
- WHAT? DONE WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? - WELL, SINCE YOU'VE ASKED WITHOUT ACTUALLY CLEARING IT WITH YOU, RHODA, I HAVE ASKED SOME PEOPLE UP TO THE APARTMEN FOR A GET TOGETHER ON SUNDAY.
- OH, BEFORE OR AFTER THE WEDDING, MA? - DURING.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
LET ME GET THIS, PLEASE.
YOU HAVE ACTUALLY PLANNED A WEDDING FOR ME AT YOUR APARTMENT, KNOWING THAT I DON'T WANT A BIG CEREMONY.
- WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER BIG? - ANYTHING OVER 12 PEOPLE.
- I MAY HAVE OVERSTEPPED.
- HOW MANY, MA? - NOT COUNTING MUSICIANS, 79.
- OVERSTEPPED? YOU AREAWE-INSPIRING! YEAH.
YOU KNOW, IN A CRAZY KIND OF WAY, SHE MAY BE A GREAT WOMAN.
- YOU CAN' DO THIS, MA.
YOU REALLY CAN'T.
- YEAH, YOU'RE NO GONNA FORCE ME INTO THIS.
- I MEAN, YOU CAN DO A LOT, BUT THIS YOU CAN'T DO.
- NO WAY.
- YOU HAVE REALLY OVERSTEPPED YOURSELF.
- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? MA, I'M GONNA HAVE MY MARRIAGE THE WAY I WANNA HAVE IT, THE WAY I PLANNED I ORIGINALLY, NO MATTER WHAT.
BECAUSE THIS TIME IT ISN' JUST ANOTHER DAY IN MY LIFE, IT'S MY WEDDING DAY, AND THAT'S IT! - SO WHAT'S YOUR DECISION? - WHO ARE WE KIDDING? RHODA, SHE'S GONNA GET YOU.
- HOW? MA, I'M GETTING MARRIED THE WAY I PLANNED.
- OK, RHODA, YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, I'LL MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
- SHE'S GONNA GET YOU.
- OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW WHA I'M GONNA DO WITH THOSE 79 PEOPLE AND THE FOLDING CHAIRS FACING THE MANTEL NOT TO MENTION GRANDMOTHER MORGENSTERN, WHO WHEN I CALLED HER ATTHE HOME TO INVITE HER TO YOUR WEDDING, SAID THAT SHE NEVER THOUGHT THAT SHE'D LIVE TO SEE YOU GET MARRIED.
I JUST HOPE THE DISAPPOINTMENT DOESN'T - [SIGHS.]
- SHE GOT YOU.
- YEAH! OK, MA, OK.
YOU WIN.
YOU'RE STILL THE CHAMP.
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH JOE, WE WILL GET MARRIED AT YOUR PLACE.
- WHATEVER YOU WANT.
- MARY! - OH, RHODA! - OH, MARY! - HI.
- OH, MARE.
OH, WOW.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? - OH, WELL! - I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMING IN LAST NIGHT.
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
THE MINNEAPOLIS AIRPORT WAS FOGGED IN.
I WAS THERE FROM 7:00 LAS NIGHT UNTIL 5 THIS MORNING.
I MUST LOOK AWFUL.
- YEAH, YOU REALLY DO, KID.
I HATE TO GLOAT, MARE, BU FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I THINK I LOOK BETTER THAN YOU DO.
- OH, RHODA! I REALLY MISSED YOU! - OH-HO-HO, YOU MISSED ME? I'VE LOST MY ONLY LINK TO CLASSY.
- AH! - I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE! REALLY, MARY.
- OH, BOY.
- MARY, THIS IS WEIRD, BUT I THINK I SEE A MAN WEAVING THIS WAY THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE LOU GRANT! AND MURRAY! HI! WHAT'S HAPPENING? AH! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! - SORRY WE'RE LATE, RHODA.
WE WANTED TO FRESHEN UP A LITTLE.
- MURRAY.
- OH, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, RHODA.
- OH, MURRAY, LOU.
- HI.
WOW, LOU, WHAT A HUG! - THAT IS NO LONGER A HUG.
YOU ARE NOW HOLDING HIM UP.
- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? - WELL, THEY DROVE ME TO THE AIRPOR AND WE SAT AROUND TALKING ABOUT YOU AND THE WEDDING.
- YEAH, AND THEY GAVE US FREE LIQUOR.
WE TOASTED YOU A FEW TIMES, AND THEN A FEW MORE TIMES.
- AND THEN MR.
GRANT SAID, "EVERYBODY SHOULD DO AT LEAS ONE DUMB, CRAZY THING IN HIS LIFETIME," AND THIS ONE AGREED, AND-- - AND HERE WE ARE! - HEY, IT'S CRAZY, ISN'T IT? AND I'M NOT A GUY THA DOES CRAZY THINGS, RIGHT? - OH, BUT I'M SO GLAD YOU DID IT, BECAUSE NOW THREE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE HERE FOR MY WEDDING.
- SURPRISE! SURPRISE! I'M HERE! - WELL, THREE OU OF FOUR AIN'T BAD.
- I'LL GO GE OUR LUGGAGE, LOU.
- YEAH.
- I HAVE MY CLAIM CHECKS RIGHT HERE.
- LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE AND START PLEADING FOR A CAB.
- NONSENSE.
I RESERVED A CAR, I'LL DRIVE YOU.
- OH.
- THAT WAY, I CAN POIN OUT VARIOUS LANDMARKS OF HISTORICAL INTEREST.
- WAIT, PHYLLIS? YOU ARE GONNA SHOW ME NEW YORK? - ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING OF MARY.
YOU CAN SIT IN THE BACK WITH LOU AND MURRAY AND TALK ABOUTSPORTS.
- I JUST REMEMBERED, LOU, WE DON'T HAVE ANY LUGGAGE.
- I DO.
- MARY MUST HAVE A SUITCASE.
WHERE'S YOUR STUFF, MARY? - YES, IT'S WHITE, MR.
GRANT, AND I HAS MY INITIALS ON IT.
NO, WAIT, I DIDN' BRING THAT ONE BECAUSE THE HANDLE WAS BROKEN.
- I'LL FIND IT NOW THAT YOU'VE NARROWED IT DOWN FOR ME.
I'M LOOKING FOR A SUITCASE WITH YOUR INITIALS NOT ON IT.
- I HAVE SEVERAL PIECES, ALL BROWN! - YOU BROUGHT EVERYTHING IN PAPER BAGS, HUH? - HEY, YOU WANT ME TO GE THEM FOR YOU, PHYLLIS? - OH, MURRAY, I CAN'T REFUSE YOU ANYTHING.
- YEAH, I'LL BE OK, AS LONG AS I DON' LOOK AT THAT PART THA GOES ROUND AND ROUND.
- HEY, KID, I'VE GOT SO MUCH TO TELL YOU.
- YES, MARY, I DO, TOO.
- PHYLLIS, I JUST SAW YOU ON THE PLANE.
- I LEAD A VERY FULL LIFE.
- YOU KNOW, PHYLLIS, I'M REALLY SURPRISED YOU'RE HERE.
- OH? - I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
IT'S VERY NICE AND I THINK IT'S TERRIFIC OF YOU TO COME, BUT I'M JUS SOMEHOW SURPRISED.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
- COULD IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FAC THAT I WASN'T INVITED? - THAT MIGHT BE IT.
- YOUR FRIENDSHIP HAS ALWAYS BEEN VERY SPECIAL TO ME, RHODA.
I WOULDN'T DENY MYSELF THE CHANCE TO MEET THE MAN YOU FINALLY HOOKED.
I'LL GET THE CAR.
CAN YOU TWO MANAGE? - WE'LL TRY.
- ALWAYS KEEP THE CLASP NEXT TO YOU.
YOU'RE IN NEW YORK NOW.
- SO, TELL ME ALL ABOUT THE WEDDING.
- OK.
WELL, YOU KNOW THE SIMPLE CEREMONY IN THE JUDGE'S CHAMBERS? - YEAH.
- OUT.
- WHAT? - THE ENTIRE SCENE HAS MOVED UPTOWN TO MY PARENTS' APARTMENT IN THE BRONX.
YEAH.
AT THIS MOMENT, MY MOTHER IS CORNERING THE MARKE IN CHOPPED LIVER.
- AH, RHODA, YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED AT HOME.
THAT'S WONDERFUL! - YEAH.
THERE'S MORE.
MY MOTHER BOUGHT ME A WEDDING GOWN WHITE WITH A VEIL.
- OH.
- YEAH, IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS TO TALK HER OUT OF ADDING A TRAIN TO BE CARRIED BY FIVE LITTLE COUSINS.
- LISTEN, I JUST CAN' WAIT TO MEET JOE.
IS HEWONDERFUL? - THAT'S UNCANNY.
YOU'VE NEVER MET HIM AND YOU JUST DESCRIBED HIM TO A "T.
" LISTEN, IF YOU LIKE HIS TYPE, LET ME KNOW.
OH, THERE'S A LOT MORE OF THEM HERE THAN THERE ARE IN MINNEAPOLIS.
THIS IS WHERE THEY COME FROM.
OH, HERE THEY ARE.
- FOR SOME STRANGE REASON I FEEL LIKE CALLING SOMEBODY BWANA.
- BRENDA? BRENDA, WE'RE HERE.
- HI.
- THIS IS MARY AND PHYLLIS.
THAT'S MY SISTER, BRENDA.
- HI, MARY! OH, I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
RHODA DOES NOTHING BUT TALK ABOUT HOW TERRIFIC YOU ARE! - OH.
- AND PHYLLIS! SHE'S MENTIONED YOU, TOO.
- OH, BRENDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - OH, WHEN YOU CALLED FROM THE AIRPORT AND TOLD ME THERE ARE EXTRA PEOPLE, I STARTED BLOWING THIS UP.
I ONLY HAVE ONE EXTRA BED.
- OH, WELL, THANKS, BRENDA, BUT I'M GONNA BE STAYING WITH YOUR MOTHER.
- PHYLLIS? - ME? SLEEP HERE ON A BALLOON? HA HA.
HA HA.
HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.
AS IT HAPPENS, I MADE PLANS TO STAY AT A SMALL, BUT SMAR EAST SIDE HOTEL.
JUST GETTING COURAGE UP TO GO BACK OUTSIDE.
- GEE, IT'S A SHAME YOU WEN TO ALL THE TROUBLE OF BLOWING THAT UP.
- OH, THAT'S OK.
I CAN ALWAYS USE I FOR A DRESS FORM.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN GETTING YOUR COURAGE UP? - I HAD A SHATTERING EXPERIENCE JUST NOW, WHEN I PARKED THE CAR.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOU IT IN FRONT OF THE CHILD.
- ME? SHE MEANS ME! - THE CHILD CAN HANDLE IT.
SO, WHAT HAPPENED? - I WAS ASSAULTED.
- ASSAULTED! PHYLLIS! ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS THA A MAN ASKED US FOR A QUARTER TO BUY SOME SOUP.
- MARY, YOU SILLY GOOSE, YOU DON' BELIEVE THAT'S ALL HE WAS AFTER, DO YOU? SOUP WAS JUST TO GIVE HIM STRENGTH FOR WHA HE REALLY WANTED.
THE CITY HAS CHANGED.
IT'S NOT MY GOTHAM ANYMORE.
SUDDENLY, IT'S A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT.
A PLACE WHERE I CAN WALK INTO AN APARTMENT HOUSE AND BE ACCOSTED BY SOME DERELIC LURKING IN THE LOBBY.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
HE WORKS HERE.
- WELL, SOMEBODY'S GONNA HAVE TO WALK ME TO MY CAR.
I REFUSE TO BE ATTACKED BEFORE I EVEN GET OU OF THE BUILDING.
- YEAH, THERE'S A BETTER SELECTION OF BUMS ON THE STREET.
OK, I'LL WALK YOU TO YOUR CAR, PHYLLIS.
- THANK YOU, CHILD.
MARY, RHODA, I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.
THIS IS ALL A FASCINATING EXPERIENCE.
AND WHO KNOWS? SOME DAY WE MAY ALL LOOK BACK ON IT AND SMILE.
- SHE'S EVERYTHING YOU SAID SHE WAS.
[DOOR BUZZER.]
- YES? - HELLO, THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- YES, YES.
WHAT'S HIS NAME--JOE-- IS COMING UP.
- MARY, JOE'S HERE.
HE'S HERE.
- OH.
- OH, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOVE HIM.
- OH, I'M SURE I WILL.
- IF YOU DON'T, I'LL GO NUTS.
- OH, COME ON.
- OH, MARY.
- I MEAN, I WON'T CALL OFF THE WEDDING IF YOU DON'T, BU I REALLY WANT YOU TO.
- RHODA, I HAVE A FEELING I'M GONNA ADORE HIM.
AND I'M GONNA BE SO JEALOUS OF YOU THAT I'LL MISERABLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
- BOY, I SURE HOPE SO.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- RHODA, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY? IS HE ALWAYS DRUNK? DOES HE EVER DO ANYTHING ELSE? - JOE, THIS IS MARY.
- HELLO! PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
OH, BOY, WHAT A DAY! IT STARTED OFF WITH THE BUILDING INSPECTOR.
THE MORON, HE SAYS, "UNSAFE, UNSAFE.
" I SAID, "OF COURSE, IT'S UNSAFE! THAT'S WHY WE'RE TEARING IT DOWN!" THAT'S THE KIND OF HALF-WITS THAT WE GOT WORKING IN THIS CITY.
IT WAS A MISERABLE, DIRTY JOB.
THAT CLOWN CAME IN AND HE MESSED UP EVERYTHING.
I GOT MYSELF A PARKING TICKE AND NOW THAT DRUNKEN DOORMAN OF YOURS, HE TELLS ME I'VE GOTTA USE THE SERVICE ENTRANCE?! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SERVICE ENTRANCE! I TELL YOU THE PEOPLE IN THIS CITY ARE GETTING DUMBER AND DUMBER BY THE MINUTE! I'VE GOTTA GO WASH UP! - SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? - OH, RHODA! TERRIFIC! - YEAH, COME ON IN, I'M JUST WASHING UP.
- LISTEN, JOE, I DON' CARE WHAT KIND OF A DAY YOU HAD AT WORK, THAT IS MY VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD STANDING OUT THERE, AND YOU JUS ACTED REALLY CRUDDY.
- WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO? KISS HER HAND? - NO, BUT I THOUGHT AT LEAST YOU'D BE NICE TO HER.
- HEY, CONSIDERING HOW I FEEL, I WAS NICE TO HER.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? FORGET THAT I'M TICKED OFF AND DO A WHOLE SOCIAL NUMBER? - THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I EXPECT.
- MARY? - YES.
- I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO SAY WELCOME TO OUR FAIR CITY.
- OH, AND I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO SAY HOW TRULY WONDERFUL IT IS TO BE HERE.
- YOU HEARD EVERYTHING WE SAID IN THE BATHROOM? - YEAH, SURE DID.
- YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU'RE BUGGED ALL DAY ON THE JOB AND LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'LL BE OK IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
- HEY, JOE.
YOU'RE OK RIGHT NOW.
- IT'S REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU, MARY.
- IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.
- HA HA HA.
- UH, LISTEN, EVERYBODY, THERE'S LOTS MORE FOOD.
- OH! - NO! - I'M STUFFED.
IF I EAT ONE MORE BITE, I'LL DIE.
- OH, YOU'RE SWEET TO SAY THAT.
LISTEN, IT WAS AT THIS POIN THAT MARTIN WAS GOING TO PROPOSE A TOAST, BUT, AS YOU CAN SEE, MY RHODA AND JOE AREN'T HERE YET.
- WHO'S JOE? - THE GROOM.
- OH, YEAH.
- THEY'LL BE HERE A LITTLE LATER.
THEY DIDN'T TELL ME THE REASON.
THEY SAID IT WAS IMPORTAN AND I WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING, DO YOU, MARTIN? - NO, SWEETHEART, I DON'T.
LIKE I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT, I DON'T KNOW.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHO'S HERE AND WHO ISN'T HERE, I'M HAVING FUN.
I LOVE JEWISH FOOD! - WE NEVER THOUGH OF STEAK AS JEWISH.
- UH, BRENDA, DO YOU KNOW WHAT RHODA AND JOE ARE DOING THAT'S SO IMPORTANT? - I CAN'T TELL.
- CAN'T TELL.
WELL, IT'S OK, DARLING.
YOU WANT SOME MORE CAKE? - YEAH.
- COME ON INTO THE KITCHEN AND WE'LL GET IT TOGETHER.
- MRS.
MORGENSTERN, I KNOW WHERE THEY ARE AND I REALLY DON'T THINK RHODA WOULD MIND IF I TOLD.
YOU SEE, TONIGHT'S THEIR LAST NIGH BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED, AND THEIR LAST CHANCE TO HAVE A DATE.
SO TONIGHT THEY'RE HAVING THEIR LAST DATE.
All: OH! - CUTE.
CUTE AS HELL.
- YOU FINISHED? - YEAH.
- YOU DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING.
- YEAH, BUT THIS IS THE LAST NIGH I HAVE TO WATCH MY WEIGHT.
JOE? - YEAH.
- LISTEN, UM NO.
YEAH, I WANNA ASK YOU-- - GO AHEAD AND ASK ME.
- NO, NEVER MIND, NO.
- COME ON.
- IT'S HARD.
- WHY SHOULD IT BE HARD FOR YOU TO ASK ME ANYTHING? - JOE, YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME UNTIL YOU LEARN TO BE INSECURE.
OK.
I'LL ASK YOU.
JOE, DO YOU HAVE ANY MISGIVINGS ABOUT TOMORROW? I MEAN, ANY SECOND THOUGHTS? WHY AM I BEING SUBTLE? IS THERE SOMETHING IN YOU SCREAMING, "HOW DO I GET OU OF THIS?!" - NO.
- JOE, YOU CAN TELL ME THE TRUTH.
REALLY, PLEASE, IT'S ONLY NATURAL.
- OK, SURE, I'VE HAD A FEW THOUGHTS.
- WHAT? - BUT IT DOESN' MEAN ANYTHING.
AH, COME ON, HAVEN'T YOU HAD A FEW MINUTES WHERE YOU WERE WORRIED WHETHER YOU WERE DOING THE RIGHT THING? - NO, NO, NOT ONE.
BUT I SPEND A LOT OF TIME WONDERING IF YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
- OH, RHODA.
- JOE, THERE'S A LOT YOU DON' - KNOW ABOUT ME.
- LIKE WHAT? - A LOT OF STUFF.
OK, I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
FIRST OFF, I'M NO EASY TO LIVE WITH.
I'M OVERLY SENSITIVE.
YOU LOOK AT ME CROSS-EYED, I GO TO PIECES.
- SO I'LL LOVE REASSURING YOU.
- YOU WON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S HAPPENING.
SEE, WHEN I FEEL HURT I DO ONE OF TWO THINGS--I WITHDRAW OR ATTACK.
AND THE EATING THING, THE EATING THING.
JOE, SOMETIMES I GO TWO DAYS STRAIGHT TALKING OF NOTHING BUT FOOD.
I'M BORING.
I'M A BORING PERSON, JOE.
NOT TO MENTION MY TEMPER.
OR MY MOTHER.
OR THE FACT THAT I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WHATSOEVER LIVING WITH A MAN.
I MEAN, JOE--THERE'S YOUR LIFE, JOE GERARD, STRETCHING OUT IN FRONT OF YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA BE LIVING WITH A WOMAN WHO IS EITHER CRYING, OR MAD AT SOMEBODY, OR TALKING ABOUT FOOD.
ONE TERRIFIC LIFE! AHH.
I REALLY MUST LOVE YOU.
I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU.
- LOOK, RHODA, EVERYTHING YOU JUS TOLD ME ABOUT YOURSELF I KNOW.
AND, IT--WELL, YOU WANNA KNOW A SURPRISE? - SURE, SURE.
I KNOW.
YOU'RE GONNA SAY YOU LOVE ME FOR ALL THOSE THINGS.
- NO, SOME OF THOSE THINGS ARE REALLY A PAIN AND SOME OF MY THINGS ARE A PAIN.
BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE HERE, BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE.
AND I'VE BEEN AROUND LONG ENOUGH NOT TO TRY TO CHANGE SOMEONE.
SO I JUST WANNA ASK YOU ONE THING.
- SURE, WHAT? - IF YOU COULD FIX THAT THING WHERE YOU ATTACK, BECAUSE THA REALLY SCARES ME.
- OH, JOE, I'LL TRY, I SWEAR.
BELIEVE ME, I'M GONNA TRY.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT SOMEBODY WHO'S GONNA GET "E" FOR EFFOR IN THIS MARRIAGE.
[SIGHS.]
MARRIAGE.
- YEAH, THIS IS MY LAST NIGHT SINGLE.
- MINE, TOO.
I WAS MORE SINGLE THAN MOST PEOPLE.
- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE AN APPROPRIATE THING TO DO TONIGHT, I MEAN, BEFORE WE GO UP TO SEE YOUR MOTHER? - WHAT? - JUST SO WE'RE READY TO SETTLE DOWN, LET'S SOW OUR LAST WILD OATS.
[DOOR BUZZER.]
- OH! HERE WE GO.
- HELLO, IS THIS THE MORGENSTERN RESIDENCE? - COULD YOU SPEAK UP A LITTLE, HONEY? - I AM SPEAKING UP.
- WELL, THEN MAYBE WE OUGHTA STAND CLOSER TOGETHER.
- IS RHODA HOME? - WHO ARE YOU? - OH, I'M GEORGETTE, AND I HAVE AN INVITATION TO THE RECEPTION, AND I KNOW IT'S NOT UNTIL TOMORROW, BUT I'M HERE ALREADY.
I WONDERED IF I COULD HELP WITH ANYTHING.
- OF COURSE YOU CAN.
COME ON IN.
YOU CAN HELP US EAT SOME FOOD.
RHODA WILL BE THRILLED TO SEE YOU WHEN SHE GETS HOME.
- YOU MUST BE SO RELIEVED, MRS.
MORGENSTERN.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - RHODA TOLD ME THAT IF SHE WASN'T MARRIED BEFORE SHE WAS 35, YOU SAID YOU'D TAKE ALL YOUR CLOTHES OFF IN MACY'S WINDOW.
- LOWER YOUR VOICE, HONEY.
EVERYBODY, GEORGETTE, AND VICE VERSA! - OH, GEORGETTE! - HIYA, MARY! - HELLO! - HI.
- PLEASE DON'T GET UP.
THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS.
I TELL THEM NOT TO GET UP, BUT THEY ALWAYS GET UP.
THEN I SAY THA AND THEY SIT DOWN.
- GEORGETTE WHY DIDN'T YOU FLY IN WITH US? - I WANTED TO DRIVE.
- YOU DROVE ALL THE WAY? - YES, AND I HAD TO ASK A LO OF DIRECTIONS, SO I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT THE PEOPLE ALONG THE WAY.
YOU CAN TELL SO MUCH ABOU PEOPLE BY DRIVING THROUGH THEIR STATE.
- OH, LIKE WHAT? - WISCONSIN PEOPLE ARE VERY PATIENT.
I GOT LOST THERE FOUR TIMES, BUT THEY WERE REALLY HELPFUL.
ONE OF THEM GAVE ME A PIECE OF CHEESE.
ILLINOIS PEOPLE ARE NICE, EXCEPT FOR SOME MEN AT A TRUCK STOP WHO KEPT ASKING ME, "WHAT ARE YOU HAULING, HONEY?" OHIO I DON'T REMEMBER OHIO.
IN PENNSYLVANIA THERE WAS-- - GEORGETTE? - YES, PHYLLIS? - YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, DEAR, BUT TRUST ME, THAT IS NOT AN INTERESTING STORY.
- EVERYBODY, LOOK WHO'S HERE! All: OH! - GEORGETTE, HELLO.
OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
HOW ARE YOU? - TERRIFIC.
- OH, GOOD.
- WHEN'D YOU GET IN? - I JUST GOT IN.
- OH, BOY, AND DID YOU FLY? - NO, I DROVE.
IT WAS SUCH AN INTERESTING TRIP.
- I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT LATER.
OK? - YEAH, SURE.
- SO, HOW WAS THE BIG DATE? - YOU KNOW I LOVE ROMANCE, RHODA.
TELL ME WHAT YOU DID.
- WELL-- - I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
GIRLS, LET'S GO IN THE OTHER ROOM.
I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS SMOKE.
- YEAH, IT'S TOO SMOKY, LET'S GE OUT OF HERE.
- OH, GOOD! JUST IN TIME TO CLEAR THE TABLE.
- I'LL HELP YOU.
- AH! - YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
- YEAH, MARY.
I SURE AM.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT? - OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT ALL THE OLD TIMES, WEREN'T YOU? - THEY WERE GOOD TIMES.
- WAIT.
EVERYTHING DOESN' SEEM SO GREAT.
HOW ABOUT SOME OF THOSE DUMB DATES? - HI! HEY, I THINK I'M GONNA SNEEZE! ACHOO! DID YOU EVER HAVE A BLIND DATE MAKE A FUNNIER ENTRANCE? - HA HA HA.
GOSH, NO.
- THIEVES.
- THAT'S THE WORD.
- THIEVES.
LIKE THE LAST GUY.
- ARNIE.
- ARNIE.
- ARNIE, THE EXTERMINATOR.
HE USED TO PICK YOU UP IN THAT VAN WITH THE PICTURE OF THE BUG LYING ON ITS BACK, FEET UP IN THE AIR, AND A WREATH ON HIS CHEST.
IT WAS DISGUSTING.
- OH, MARY.
LOOK, EXTERMINATING IS AN HONORABLE PROFESSION.
- OK, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NOT JUST THE JOB.
RHODA, THE MAN WAS ALWAYS ASKING YOU TO LEND HIM MONEY.
- JUST UNTIL TERMITE SEASON.
- OH.
- AHH.
- ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M ANOTHER PERSON IN THE ROOM.
RHODA MORGENSTERN.
- OH, HOWARD ARNOT, HOW DO YOU DO? - AND THIS IS MY DATE, MR.
AND MRS.
ARNOLD FISHER.
YOU REALLY THINK I'D MAKE A DEROGATORY REMARK ABOUT A PERSON JUS BECAUSE HE'S A SHRIMP? - YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? - THE DRUG STORE'S CLOSED SO I GUESS I'LL QUIT SMOKING AGAIN.
HI, GOT A CIGARETTE? - ERIC, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND RHODA MORGENSTERN.
RHODA, THIS IS ERIC SHRIMP.
- PHYLLIS, BEN AND I AREN'T GETTING MARRIED.
HE'S NOT MY TYPE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE'S NOT YOUR TYPE? HE'S WITTY.
HE'S ATTRACTIVE.
HE'S SUCCESSFUL.
HE'S SINGLE.
- HE'S GAY! - FINISHED TALKING ABOUT ME? - WE WEREN' TALKING ABOUT YOU.
- OH, COME ON.
- PHYLLIS! - WELL, I JUS FEEL SO EXCLUDED.
I MEAN, I DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY REAL FUNCTION HERE.
YOU DIDN'T PICK ME TO BE A BRIDESMAID.
- I'M NOT HAVING BRIDESMAIDS.
- THERE'S ALWAYS AN EXCUSE, ISN'T THERE? THE POINT IS I'D REALLY LIKE TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP.
PLEASE? - WELL, YOU KNOW, TOMORROW EVERYBODY'S GONNA BE VERY BUSY, AND I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF A LIMOUSINE, SO SINCE YOU RENTED THE CAR, YOU WANNA PICK ME UP? - SURE! AND I DON'T MIND THE INCONVENIENCE! I THINK IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO CONSIDERING ALL THE GREA TIMES WE HAD TOGETHER.
- WHAT TIMES WERE THOSE? - HEY, RHODA, IT'S AFTER 12:00.
IT'S OUR WEDDING DAY.
- OH, HOW WONDERFUL! - I'M SO NERVOUS.
- WILL YOU PLEASE RELAX? COME ON, STOP WORRYING.
IT'S JUST A WEDDING.
- OH, SURE, AND SARA LEE IS JUST A CHEESECAKE.
- THERE.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, BRENDA.
JUST LIKE A PAINTING.
- OH, YEAH, I CAN EVEN SEE THE LITTLE NUMBERS.
OH, RHO, I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.
- OH, WHAT? - YOUR FIRST WEDDING GIFT.
- OH.
- I FOUND IT IN A SECOND-HAND BOOKSTORE.
- "A DISCREET MARRIAGE MANUAL FOR THE DEMURE YOUNG WOMAN.
" WHEN WAS THIS PUBLISHED? - 1900.
- I COULD TELL IT'S OLD.
THEY ONLY LIST ONE EROGENOUS ZONE.
- AND IT'S NO EVEN A GOOD ONE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU.
- HELLO, MA.
OH, HI, MARY, I THOUGHT IT WAS-- OH, SURE, PUT MY MOTHER ON.
PROBABLY TOO SHAKY TO WORK THE DIAL.
HELLO, MA.
YEAH.
YOU WANNA TALK TO RHODA? ALL RIGHT, MRS.
RHODA.
SHE'S MAKING NERVOUS JOKES.
- HELLO, MA.
GOD BLESS YOU, TOO.
OH, I THOUGHT I'D WEAR THE WHITE DRESS.
YOU KNOW, THE LONG ONE WITH THE VEIL.
NOW, MA, PLEASE, I MEAN, HOW HARD IS IT TO GE INTO A DRESS, HUH? SO WHAT IF I SEND BRENDA UP THERE TO HELP YOU GET INTO IT? WELL, LISTEN, EVERYBODY'S GONNA BE LOOKING AT YOU ANYWAY.
WELL, I FIGURE IF SOMEBODY JUMPS UP ON A CHAIR AND HOLLERS, "WHOOPEE!," THEY'RE GONNA ATTRACT SOME ATTENTION.
OK.
NO, NO, NO, NO PROBLEM.
BECAUSE IF I NEED ANY LAS MINUTE STUFF, PHYLLIS CAN HELP ME OUT WHEN SHE PICKS ME UP.
YEAH.
NOW, MA, PLEASE.
OK, OK.
BRENDA, I'M TELLING YOU THAT DRESS IS GORGEOUS.
- WELL, IT'S GO A LOT OF MILES ON IT.
THIS IS ITS FIFTH WEDDING.
AND IF IT HEARS, "YOU'RE NEXT" ONE MORE TIME, IT'S GONNA THROW UP.
- IT LOOKS GREAT.
LISTEN, I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALREADY DRESSED.
YOU'VE GOTTA GO UPTOWN TO THE BRONX AND HELP MA GET READY.
- SHE'S BEEN READY FOR 30 YEARS! - TRUE.
- BUT, OK, RHO.
- ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
- NO ANSWER, HUH? ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE RINGING THE RIGHT ROOM? MRS.
LINDSTROM IN 208.
OH, I GUESS SHE MUS BE ON HER WAY THEN.
NO MESSAGE, THANK YOU.
[SIGHS.]
- CARLTON, THE DOORMAN.
- YES, CARLTON, THIS IS RHODA.
NOW, I'M WAITING FOR A BLOND WOMAN, SLIGHTLY OVER-DRESSED, A LITTLE TOO MUCH MAKEUP, LOOKING LIKE SHE'S IN A HURRY.
HAVE YOU SEEN ANYBODY LIKE THAT? - SEEN 'EM? I KICKED THREE OF THEM OU OF THE LOBBY LAST NIGHT.
- NO, NO, CARLTON, THIS IS A FRIEND OF MINE.
I'M WAITING FOR HER TO TAKE ME TO MY WEDDING.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
CARLTON, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HELLO? OH, HIYA, BRENDA.
NO, I'M COMPLETELY READY HERE, IT'S JUST THAT PHYLLIS IS VERY LATE.
YEAH, IS ANYBODY THERE YET? OH, STANDING ROOM ONLY, HUH? THEY WEREN'T GONNA MISS THIS ONE, WERE THEY? NO, NO.
LISTEN, I'LL CALL YOU THE MINUTE PHYLLIS GETS HERE SO YOU KNOW WHEN WE'RE LEAVING.
YEAH, SO LONG.
CARLTON, YOU STILL THERE? - HELLO, THIS IS CARLTON THE DOORMAN.
- YES, CARLTON, NOW LISTEN TO ME, PLEASE, CAREFULLY.
NOW THIS BLONDE FRIEND OF MINE HAS A DARK GREEN CAR.
SHE MIGHT BE HAVING TROUBLE FINDING A PARKING SPACE.
HOW'S THE TRAFFIC? - UH, TRAFFIC? YEP, IT'S OUT THERE.
- LISTEN, I'M GONNA COME DOWN THERE AND LOOK FOR HER MYSELF.
- OH, GOOD, IT'LL GIVE ME A CHANCE TO KISS THE BRIDE.
- CARLTON, THERE'S A BUCK IN IT FOR YOU IF YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE BRIDE.
SON OF A GUN.
- MARY? - YES? - EXCUSE ME.
- MARY, DO YOU THINK ANYBODY HAS NOTICED THAT RHODA ISN'T HERE YET? - UH, YES, I THINK THEY ALL KNOW.
I MEAN, THE CEREMONY WAS SUPPOSED TO START AN HOUR AGO.
- UH-HUH.
NO, THEY DON'T KNOW.
I'VE DONE TOO GOOD A JOB OF DISTRACTING THEM.
AND I HAVE TO KEEP IT UP.
UH THIS IS RHODA'S BES FRIEND, MARY RICHARDS.
MARY, THIS IS JOE'S MOTHER.
- MA, YOU ALREADY INTRODUCED THEM.
- FOUR TIMES.
- GOOD MEETING YOU AGAIN, MARY.
- THANK YOU.
MRS.
MORGENSTERN, WE ARE ALL A LITTLE AWARE THAT RHODA AND PHYLLIS ARE A TINY BI LATE, BUT I'M SURE THEY'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE, AND I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
- MARY, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE A DAUGHTER TO ME.
SO SHUT UP.
- HI, HI! - AH, PHYLLIS! [ALL TALKING AT ONCE.]
- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW GLAD WE ARE TO SEE YOU.
- MY! WHAT A RECEPTION! APPARENTLY, THIS DRESS IS EVERYTHING THE LADY AT BERGDORF'S SAID IT WOULD BE.
- PHYLLIS? - YES, MARY.
- WHERE'S RHODA? - I DON'T KNOW, I JUST GOT HERE.
OH, MY LORD, I WAS GONNA PICK HER UP, WASN'T I? - PHYLLIS, HOW COULD YOU? - I'M SORRY.
- SHE FORGOT TO PICK HER UP! - IDA, DEAR, YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW SORRY I AM, BUT IT JUS COMPLETELY SLIPPED MY MIND.
YOU KNOW I WOULDN' DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS INTENTIONALLY.
ANYWAY, RHODA'S SUCH A CLEVER, RESOURCEFUL GIRL, I JUST KNOW SOMEHOW SHE'LL GET HERE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE AND WE'LL ALL END UP LAUGHING ABOUT IT LATER, DON'T YOU THINK? - I'LL KILL YOU.
- [WHISTLE.]
TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! HEY, TAXI! HEY! HEY, TAXI! HEY! OVER HERE! CAB! - HEY, OUT OF THE STREET, SISTER! [BRAKES SQUEAKING.]
- WELL, I JUST GUESS I OWE YOU ALL AN APOLOGY.
ALL RIGHT, I SHOULD HAVE PICKED HER UP.
IT WAS MY FAUL FOR FORGETTING.
WELL, YOU KNOW ME, MARY, OLD SCATTERBRAINED PHYLLIS.
LOU, YOU UNDERSTAND.
I HAD SO MUCH ON MY MIND.
YOU KNOW HOW TRYING IT CAN BE TO PROPERLY COORDINATE YOUR ACCESSORIES.
MURRAY, DARLING, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW CONTRITE I AM.
AND IF A PERSON IS REALLY CONTRITE-- JOE, I'M SO SORRY.
GRANDMA, I'M SO SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY, GRANDMA! WE HAVEN'T HAD THE PLEASURE OF MEETING YET, BUT PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
OH, MY HEAVENS! WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE FORGIVE ME? - I FORGIVE YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- THANK YOU.
- BUT IF I WERE YOU, I'D GET MY TAIL OUT OF HERE BEFORE RHODA SHOWS.
[DOOR BUZZER.]
- RHODA! - OHH! - WHERE ARE YOU? OH, DOWN IN THE LOBBY, OF COURSE, WHERE ELSE? OH, RHODA, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
MA WAS FREAKING.
SHE WAS GETTING READY TO HAVE ME STAND IN FOR YOU.
YEAH.
YEAH, SHE'S HERE.
HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE.
PHYLLIS, RHODA WANTS TO TALK TO YOU REAL BAD.
- MARY, WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO HER? - PHYLLIS WON'T COME TO THE PHONE, RHODA.
YEAH, SURE, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL HER? RHODA, I COME FROM A SMALL TOWN IN THE MIDWEST.
I CAN'T SAY THAT.
- I'M FROM THE BRONX, I CAN.
- GO.
UH-HUH.
SURE.
- RHODA.
- NEVER MIND, BRENDA, I'LL TELL PHYLLIS MYSELF AT THE RECEPTION.
- MARY, YOU CAN'T BLAME ME.
DO YOU KNOW WHA SHE PUT ME THROUGH? - WELL, YOU KNOW PHYLLIS, SHE WAS JUST-- - DON'T DEFEND HER, MARY.
- I WOULDN'T DO THAT, NO, NO.
- WOULD YOU BELIEVE, I TOOK THE SUBWAY? THE SUBWAY, MARY! THERE WAS THIS ONE WEIRDO, TRIED TO WRITE GRAFFITI ON ME.
WELL, LISTEN HERE, THE DRESS IS SHOT.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
- I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO WEAR IT AGAIN.
- LISTEN, YOU LOOK TERRIFICCONSIDERING EVEN NOT CONSIDERING, YOU LOOK GREAT.
- HOW'S JOE TAKING THIS? - IT'S INCREDIBLE, HE'S THE CALMEST ONE UP THERE.
- OH, NO, IF HE'S CALM, HE'S REALLY BUGGED.
IT'S LIKE THE DRUM STOPPING JUST BEFORE THE INDIANS ATTACK.
- RHODA, ARE YOU--WELL, I'M VERY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.
- POP, POP, I'M ALL RIGHT.
- SHE'S GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
- OH, SURE, SURE.
LISTEN, JUST A COUPLE OF LAST-MINUTE DETAILS.
THE ACCORDIONIST, HE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WANT HIM TO PLAY "BECAUSE," THE "WEDDING MARCH," OR "LADY OF SPAIN.
" - OK, LISTEN, I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
- OH, ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M JELLY.
I WOULD THINK OF FOOD, RIGHT? - RHODA! - I KNOW, KID.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
- OK, JUST BUZZ THE THING WHEN YOU'RE READY.
- I WILL.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
ONE IF BY ELEVATOR, AND TWO IF BY STAIRS.
- YES.
- OK.
- YOU KNOW, HONEY, YOUR MOTHER AND I WERE TALKING LAST NIGHT.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW, THE KIND OF CONVERSATION YOU HAVE AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING, WHEN YOUR MOTHER NUDGES ME AND SAYS, "MARTIN, IS MY CRYING MAKING IT HARD FOR YOU TO SLEEP?" WELL, WE'RE A LITTLE EMOTIONAL, WHAT WITH YOU GETTING MARRIED AND EVERYTHING.
WE FELT FRUSTRATED, HONEY.
WE--I DON'T KNOW, WE WERE SO ANXIOUS TO LET YOU KNOW WHA OUR FEELINGS WERE.
- OH, POP, YOU DON' HAVE TO SAY A WORD.
- NO, SO YOUR MOTHER DECIDED I WOULD SOLVE EVERYTHING IF JUS BEFORE THE CEREMONY I SAID SOMETHING TERRIFIC TO YOU.
- OK.
GO AHEAD.
- I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.
I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS HOPING AT THE LAS MINUTE SOMETHING WOULD HIT ME, BUT IT HASN'T.
- OH, POP, LISTEN, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING, REALLY.
AND IT'S SWEET OF YOU TO BE WORRYING ABOUT IT.
- NO, NO, HONEY, I HAVE TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING.
IT'S A FATHER'S DUTY.
AH, FATHERS.
GEE.
FATHERS.
YOU COME HOME LATE FROM WORK, THE KIDS ARE ALL ASLEEP.
YOU NEVER GET A CHANCE TO SEE THEM ENOUGH.
BY THE TIME THEY'RE OLD ENOUGH TO STAY UP LATE SO YOU CAN SEE THEM, THEY DON' WANNA STAY HOME.
AND THEN COMES THE TIME WHEN YOU CAN'T STAY UP LATE ENOUGH TO SEE THEM WHEN THEY COME HOME.
SO, RHODA, I JUST WANNA SAY, IT'S--IT'S GOOD-- GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- OH, POP.
- COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO.
- THE ELEVATOR.
- ONE IF BY ELEVATOR! OK.
RHODA, YOUR BOUQUET! I LEFT YOUR BOUQUE IN THE ICE BOX.
YOU WAIT HERE, I'LL GET IT.
- OK.
[ACCORDION PLAYING "WEDDING MARCH".]
- [WHISPERING.]
TELL THEM TO SIT DOWN.
- HI, RHODA! WHAT'S NEW? - NOTHING MUCH.
- SAME HERE.
- HI.
- HI.
DON'T SMEAR MY MAKEUP.
- FAMILY AND GUESTS, RHODA AND JOE HAVE CHOSEN TO WRITE THEIR OWN WEDDING CEREMONY AND MARRIAGE VOWS.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE ONE GOD WROTE? - WE'RE HERE TODAY TO WITNESS THE MARRIAGE OF RHODA MORGENSTERN AND JOSEPH GERARD, WHO DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE UP TOO MUCH OF YOUR TIME.
THEY JUST WANTED ME TO SAY THIS WHEN TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH OTHER, IT'S NATURAL THAT THEY WANT TO SHARE EACH OTHER'S LIVES, BECAUSE LOVE IS WHAT MATTERS MOST.
IT DOESN'T SOLVE EVERYTHING.
IT DOESN'T PROMISE EVERYTHING.
IT JUST MARRIES THEM.
NOW, THEY'D LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING TO EACH OTHER.
- RHODA, LET ME TELL YOU NOBODY IN THE WORLD IS HAPPIER THAN I AM RIGHT NOW.
- JOE, UH YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU? WHATEVER IT IS I'VE GOT TO GIVE, YOU GOT.
- DO YOU PROMISE TO STAY TOGETHER, TO GROW TOGETHER, AND TO TRUST EACH OTHER, AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LOVE? - I DO.
- I DO.
- BY THE AUTHORITY VESTED IN ME BY THE STATE OF NEW YORK, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MARRIED.
[ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING.]