Roommates s01e09 Episode Script

See the hot girl in the blue? Follow me.
- You can be my wingman.
- I'm gonna sit this o one out, goose.
I need you.
She's with a less attractive friend who is built by nature to guard her and keep guys like me away.
You have to distract her.
For a guy who's always talking about what a big ladies' man he is, you should be able to do this without me.
I'm sorry.
Just though it would be nice to do something together.
You're at, Mark.
We need a seven or better to win.
That won't happen, might as well give me the ten bucks now.
He can do it.
Please do it, please do it.
So your hot sexy boss demanded you go to Chicago with him? - It's just a business trip.
- Or a getting down to business trip? I won't know unless I go.
If you sleep with him, I want every detail.
Of course.
You didn't even hit the board.
Sorry Arm cramp.
How are we gonna win if you don't even hit the board? God, I hate to lose.
I want a rematch.
And no darts.
Something Mark is good at.
I'm good at lots of stuff.
Once in college on a dare I ate a baseball-sized glob of wasabi.
I thought it was hot going down.
College is a time of exploration.
Got her number.
That's amazing.
How do you move so fast? Not as fast as Cancun '02, but not wearing my speedo.
VO: -Ori- sub-way.
fr/seriessub.
com Have you seen James? He needs to kick in some money for game night.
He left the bar last night with that girl.
I haven't seen him since.
That's how it's done, people.
Impressive.
Like taking candy from a really hot baby.
That's great, James.
We need 10 bucks for game night.
I don't have my wallet.
That girl stole your wallet? It's a classic one-night-stand move.
She must have taken it out of pants when I wasn't looking because she wants me to call her.
I got sloppy.
Should have left my pants around my ankles.
We have to win game night.
What games are you good at? I have very long arms and legs so I'm great at Twister.
Cartwheels.
And pretending to make out with myself like this.
Mark got a date.
I have the cutest top for you to wear to Chicago.
And it only has two buttons so it comes right off.
I'm not even sure David likes me in that way.
Please.
He looks at you like he's trying to memorize your body for a 10-year prison stretch.
That's rude.
Some guy memorizing the trio of freckles on the back of your neck? I wouldn't stand for it.
Come on.
I want your opinion on my top.
I love your top and your bottom Not your butt, your pants.
I love your pants.
He's probably gonna want to take you to dinner, so you want to be restaurant ready without overdoing it.
And this top does the trick.
- Try it on.
- Even if he does like me in that way, I don't know.
I see how he is with other women.
He's a conqueror.
Give him a signal that you're a young country with lots of exotic natural resources to plunder.
She's been plundered and what's left is being guarded by pirates.
Just give me the top.
Will you shut the door? I can't get ahold of her.
If she calls the home line, let me know.
I'm changing.
- I should go too.
- No, sit.
What do you think? That means it's good.
I like it.
Sexy.
Hot like wasabi.
She changed her shirt in front of you? That's fantastic.
You're 11 months ahead of schedule.
You have a schedule for me? If you don't get with Katie by October 2014, I give up and I have to start worrying about me.
But you're gonna make it, man.
The walls are crumbling down.
She's letting you in.
Why aren't you happier about this? Because I don't think it means she's letting me in.
It means she doesn't even see me as a man.
Look, if that's really how you feel, you have to get her to see you as a masculine sexual being.
How do I do that? At some point my expertise in this area runs out.
It's Alyssa.
Alyssa the neighbor? She's been acting strange since you moved away.
Absence has made the heart grow crazier.
Man, I don't need this right now.
At night she sings sweet songs about you.
M favorite is "Bitches better step off, can I get a Mark Mark?" I was just trying it.
I didn't know it would be open.
My bad.
- How are you, Mark? - Good.
- How are you? - Good.
I thought I smelled you through my peephole.
I have superior olfactory senses.
My grandpa calls it a good sniffer.
Congrats on that.
I love your watch.
Did you make it? I bought it in a store.
That's so cool.
I've got to go.
Seeing you again has inspired me to write another song.
Bitches better step off, can I get a Mark Mark? - A short man.
- Mini-Me.
- Let me finish.
He's French.
- Sorry, Mini-Moi.
A short French general.
- Time's up.
- We didn't even get one in that round.
Our turn.
- Short.
- Mini-Me.
What? That's why I said Mini-Me.
Who doesn't know Napoleon? Count up all your right answers.
- We have 15.
- Let's see, we have Five.
We have five.
Five out of 20.
Are you proud of yourself? And I haven't been for a long time.
Losers do a shot.
Everybody.
Say hi to my friends.
- This is Katie.
- Hi, Mark's friend.
And this is Hope and James.
Mark talks about you all the time.
That's cause I talk about him all the time.
You can read it on my blog Iheartmark.
myspace.
com/supercrush.
Can I see you in the kitchen for a second? What are you doing? Why would you bring her here? - I got to thinking.
- What did I tell yo about that? Listen.
What does a woman desire more than anything? Besides a beach house and a witty gay friend? The unattainable man.
Katie will see Alyssa chasing you and she'll think, "What am I missing?" Get out here.
You've got a new teammate.
She's really hot and her name is me.
You and I are gonna take everyone down.
- But I was on Katie's team.
- That's cool.
- I'll take Thom.
- You will not be sorry.
I'll get it.
- What do you do? - I'm a life coach.
I teach people how to get what they really really want.
I'm an expert.
That's cool.
What else do you do? I write parking tickets, but not professionally.
It was a messenger.
That girl sent my wallet back.
That's great.
Looks like someone got your message and is sending one back.
"I would rather pay a messenger than see you again.
" There has to be another explanation.
Come on, somebody come up with one.
Let's play this game.
You're all going down.
Come on.
Boxer.
Lean, mean, grilling machine.
Abe Lincoln.
Focus.
He had eight kids all named after himself.
Jerry Seinfeld.
Focus.
Lean, mean, grilling machine.
Why wouldn't she call? Time's up.
Take a shot, losers.
Not you.
Them.
Sorry.
Reflex.
Mark and Alyssa, ready? - "Can't touch this.
" - M.
C.
Hammer.
- Skateboarder.
- Tony Hawk.
- Female senator.
- Diane Feinstein.
- Masters golf.
- Tiger Woods.
- "The good earth.
" - Pearl S.
Buck.
When we were together we stunk.
Mark and I have a special connection.
We're like twins, but we're allowed to have sex with each other.
Bottoms up.
I forgot.
Who won that one? I don't know.
But just to be safe we'd better all take another shot.
What? Okay.
No more shots for me.
I am waiting for a "Markarita".
Do you want me on the rocks or blended? - We need snacks.
- I'll go steam some clams.
Apples are so cool.
I know you wanted to win out there.
I'm sorry I was such a bad teammate.
That's okay.
I forgive you.
I was just wondering Did you kiss anybody last night? 'cause I did.
I thought Thom left early.
I kissed Katie.
Or correction.
She kissed me.
Lips, tongue, teeth Everything in the mouth was in play.
You finally kissed Katie.
Now you're probably gonna need some booby lessons.
So then what happened? - Nothing.
- What do you mean nothing? She went to her bedroom, I went to mine.
Very noble.
What's your plan now? Write her a sonnet with your quill pen and ask her to save you a minuet on her dance card? Don't you see? I'm on my way.
We kissed.
Look, I wouldn't read too much into a kiss.
Coffee.
Need coffee.
Just pour it right on my face.
Got you all taken care of.
Thank you.
So last night, pretty crazy? - But it was fun.
- Very fun.
We should have more fun.
Like that.
You and me.
Like that.
Fun.
I made you breakfast.
- Aren't you sweet? - You should know.
The pancakes are heart-shaped.
That's not as easy as it looks.
The first batch came out looking like a pancreas.
You didn't have to do all this.
I just find pancakes taste better in a shape.
Don't you? You know, I'd better not eat.
I'm really hung-over.
I don't remember anything after Pearl S.
Buck.
Nothing? Really? I'll be right back.
Wake up.
Jesus.
Thanks God, it's you.
I was having a nightmare.
I was married and my husband was unsuccessful.
And there was a talking dollar sign who just laughs and laughs.
Listen.
Mark is acting really weird.
Did something happen last night? - You kissed him.
- What? You were all up on him, all touchy and drooly and wasted like a slutty sorority girl.
I miss college.
It happened.
It finally happened.
time travel, because I've waited - Katie kissed me last night.
- What? This is awesome.
My bringing Alyssa over worked.
Katie saw you as a sexual being and she kissed you.
But she was really drunk and she doesn't remember it.
That means nothing.
- Why? - In vino veritas.
It's Latin.
It means in wine there's truth.
You have a little drinky and you stop all the thinky and you get to the winky winky.
- Really? - Trust me.
- I'm right about this.
- But you're wrong about so much.
- What should I do? - Nothing.
Nothing? What kind of plan is that? It's what you've been doing this whole time and it's working.
You've been hanging out, biding your time and it's getting in her head.
Don't force it.
Just be.
But she's going to Chicago with David.
Shouldn't I say something before then? She'll figure out she kissed you.
And when she does, she'll come to you.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Anytime, brother.
I smelled you and woke up.
Where is this Heather girl? She said she'd be here.
I really love seeing you like this.
A woman never treat you the way you treat them.
And I don't like it.
It's not right.
Why do you even want to be with a woman who doesn't want to be with you? Because I want her to want me more than I want her.
Don't be so immature.
God, there he is.
I'm going in.
Let's all laugh as if I said something really funny.
Thank you.
Are you going to Chicago with David or did kissing Mark change things? I like David, but I'm worried he's just gonna be another hot guy I'll have great sex with, and then he'll be unable to commit because he had a distant mother.
Then we'll just keep having meaningless amazing sex.
That's a lot better than having meaningful boring sex.
I mean, it's so confusing.
Why did I kiss Mark? What if the kiss was my subconscious trying to tell me I really like him? Really? I'm just saying there has to be a reason.
Don't do anything drastic.
Remember when you moved in, you thought James was so hot for two days you pretended to do your laundry in your bra and underwear waiting for him to walk by? Thank god I came to my senses on that one.
- What do I do about Mark? - You can always sleep with him.
And if you hate yourself the next morning then he's your type.
Come on, Hope.
Help me.
Fine.
Look, you kissed him.
You made your move, now let him come to you.
Do nothing? If he's interested he'll make a move before you leave for Chicago.
But I don't get it.
Why did it take you so long to call me back? Because I didn't want to have this conversation.
You're just tossing me aside like some kind of object? I can't commit.
Look, it's not you, it's me.
You're better off without me.
I'm married to a lesbian cop with a drinking problem.
What do you need to hear? - What are you doing? - Nothing.
Word on the street is I kissed you last night.
I might have heard that.
On the streets, that is.
- We kissed.
- We kissed.
- So looks like you're off to Chicago.
- Looks that way.
Chicago, windy city.
A lot of wind.
- Comes in off the lake.
- I've heard that.
- That's why it's so cold.
- Cold.
They put tomatoes on hot dogs there.
It's weird but it's good.
- Have a good trip.
- Have a good stay.
At home.
You can do it.
Forget Heather.
Got to get back on that horse, man.
There's one there.
Go for it.
You can do this.
You're Jimmy from Tuscaloosa.
I'm James.
I was watching you from over there.
Not watching, staring.
Not staring, observing.
You know, like a bird.
Not that I want to have sex with a bird.
I love you.
Come back! Hi, ladies.
I'm James.
Just seeing what's up.
What's up? Welcome to the club.