Sabrina The Teenage Witch s01e09 Episode Script

ZELDA: And we are definitely [METALLIC CLATTERING.]
getting rid of this.
My cuirass.
Ugh.
Where did you find it? You can't throw that away.
Oh, give me a break, Hilda.
You haven't used your cuirass for centuries.
Oh, I was waiting for it to come back into style.
ZELDA: Mm-hm.
And when were you going to use this? Oh, my mace.
Oh, remember the good times? Party.
Only you would be nostalgic for the Dark Ages.
I never wanna trip over this again.
My cannon.
Why would you wanna keep an instrument of destruction - in the house? - Sentimental reasons? We don't have room for all this junk.
Junk? You call this junk? Put the mace down.
All right, I'll make you a deal.
You have a week.
If you use these things, you can keep them.
If not, they go.
Fine, I accept, because it just so happens that you've selected three items that are very useful to me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put my cannon away.
Okay, okay, I'll clean my room.
See, I told you it was useful.
Be cool, daddy-o.
And the best way to remember it is mandible has a B, [IN DEEP VOICE.]
and that stands for bottom.
But how do we remember maxilla? It's the other one.
[BELL RINGS.]
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Before you bolt, Gordie has a very important announcement that just might change your lives.
Take it away.
- Okay, in 1581, Galileo began-- - Make it quick, Gordie.
Jumping to the end of the millennium, the Science Club will be meeting every day after school to celebrate National Science Week.
- You mean National Geek Week.
- Heh.
We hope you'll all join us.
Any questions? Yeah.
Can we get out of here? Sure.
Oh, sign up early, win a ham.
It's a tough room, Gordie.
Believe me, I know.
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
Hey, Gordie, why don't you come up with a scientific explanation for why you're such a loser? Wesson-head.
Zit master.
[MEAN GIRLS CHUCKLE.]
Poor, Gordie.
I feel so bad for him.
Well, he needs to be more in touch with his audience.
No one knows or cares what Galileo did in 1581.
He entered the University of Pisa.
Sabrina, I didn't know you were a geek.
I'm not, I just like science.
Does that make me a geek? No, I guess not.
I'm even thinking about going by the Science Club after school.
- Okay, now that could be a problem.
- Why? Because this is high school.
If you show passion or enthusiasm for anything, you're doomed.
You might as well be wearing a big "kick me" sign.
Hey, Harvey.
Help us out.
- Sabrina's got a problem.
- What's up? Well, I was thinking of joining the Science Club.
[CHUCKLES.]
Really? I didn't know you were a geek.
I'm not.
That's the problem.
I'm afraid everyone will think I am.
Well, they will.
I explained that we can't change the whole system just for her.
Well, why does everyone have to be stuffed in a category? I don't get it.
Look, the cheerleaders only eat with the cheerleaders.
The geeks only eat with the geeks.
I just don't want to be labelled.
You have no choice.
You have a grace period as a new student, but pretty soon, you're gonna be stereotyped.
Well, what are you guys? Well, I'm a quasi-jock with semi-literary aspirations and a hint of nihilism.
If only it were that simple for me.
Jenny, what are you? I tried to be an outsider, but I didn't really fit in.
Now Libby calls me a freak, and I'm okay with that.
Well, why can't I just be me? That's a pretty small group.
[CHANTING.]
We've got spirit.
GIRLS: Let's hear it.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
I think we should take her advice and just go.
It's Spirit Week at Westbridge.
We're playing Eastbridge this weekend, and we're number one.
GIRLS: Whoo! - Yeah, at turnovers and penalties.
We'll be wearing our uniforms every day this week, and leading cheers at lunch reminding you to support our team.
- Ready? GIRLS: Okay.
East meets west, and we know who's the best.
ALL: Whoo! I don't get it.
I mean, to me, that looks geeky.
How can she do that and still be so popular? Libby's not popular.
She's powerful.
- Well, how did she get the power? - She seiZed it.
And as long as there are people backing her up, she'll keep it.
It's all very Stalin.
I don't know what you guys are talking about.
Libby's always been nice to me.
I'm going to get more Tater Tots.
- I'll go with you.
- Okay.
See you tomorrow.
We're number one.
[GASPS.]
Watch where you're going, geek.
You got my uniform wet.
- I'm sorry.
- You are so transferred.
Libby, lay off him.
It was an accident.
It's just like a freak to defend a geek.
Maybe the two of you can get weekend jobs at the carnival.
- Hi, Harvey.
- Hi.
See, she's nice.
Sabrina, I thought you were going to Science Club.
[SOFTLY.]
I am.
In a minute, per our previous discussion.
Got it.
Later.
Well, this is a delightful turnout.
Five, same as last year, which means none of you were killed at summer camp.
Heh-heh.
Ahem.
Okay.
See Sherman's sporting a new look.
Did you get contacts? No, someone stole my glasses.
All right.
Well, let's begin by discussing the biggest science breakthrough in recent months.
The possible evidence of life on Mars.
What does this discovery mean to us? Howard.
It means that the government's been covering this up for years, and that Scully and Mulder are right.
- The truth is out there.
ALL: Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, calm down.
Calm down.
Look, how many times do we have to go over this? The X-Files is fiction.
Scully and Mulder are played by actors.
[ALL SIGH.]
Now, come on, don't get upset.
Hi, is this Science Club? Did you leave something in your desk, Sabrina? No, I was thinking of joining.
Unless you're all filled up.
Not at all.
Everyone's welcome.
Have a seat.
There's a girl in Science Club.
Don't panic.
Hey, how's it going? Ahh-ahh-ahh.
I never knew a pickle could be used as a light bulb.
They're super versatile.
Bye, guys.
See you later.
What are you doing here so late? Was there a meeting of the Freak Society? - Libby, why don't you just--? - Great having you in Science Club.
Don't forget to bring your rock tumbler tomorrow.
You went to Science Club? [CHUCKLES.]
That is too perfect.
You're a geek in freak's clothing.
I am not a geek.
That doesn't prove anything.
Here.
Let me help you.
See you later, geek.
[CHUCKLES.]
[PIANO PLAYING.]
Look, it still fits.
And it's great for lounging around the house.
- That doesn't count as a use.
- Why not? No one wears metal after Labour Day.
Aunt Hilda, what's the range on your cannon? I'll get it.
We'll find out.
Hilda, will you please sit down? Sabrina, a cannon is not a solution for a land-based problem.
[CRUNCHING.]
What's going on? Libby caught me coming out of Science Club.
You went to Science Club? Oh, that's wonderful.
No, it's not.
Now Libby thinks I'm a complete geek.
I knew this would happen.
It's Zelda's influence.
I begged you to watch TV with me so you'd be normal.
Oh, be quiet.
HILDA: Hey, it's dark in here.
Now, it shouldn't bother you what Libby says.
It shouldn't but it does.
I wanna use my magic to teach Libby a lesson.
That sounds very constructive.
I'm gonna give her a snout.
Oh.
Good idea.
You need to talk to my friend Cicero.
He's an expert on these matters.
ZELDA: Come on, we'll look him up in the book.
- Are you coming, Hilda? - Yes.
No, I can't.
My outfit's too heavy.
But it's very useful.
See, when you said, "Look him up in the book," I thought you meant phone book.
No, magic book.
Cicero is figure 3A.
He's one of the ancient geeks.
Oh, there he is.
Hello, Cicero.
There's a girl looking at me.
Mmm.
Don't panic.
Ask him what he'd do.
He's very knowledgeable.
His was the first recorded wedgie.
Hey, Cicero.
I'm Sabrina, and I have a question.
Ask away, but make it quick.
If the centurions catch me here, it's a guaranteed swirly in the aqueduct.
Okay.
See, there's this girl in my school, and she keeps calling me a geek, and I really don't like it.
I suggest that you ignore her.
Okay? Bye-bye.
No, wait.
I can't ignore her.
No one can ignore her.
You've gotta help.
Well, there are two ways to teach her a lesson.
The first is to just give her a snout.
- I knew it.
- What's the second? Give her a taste of her own medicine.
Turn her into a geek.
She'll see how it feels, and she'll learn that it's what's inside that really counts.
But how can I do that? A simple spell.
Just point.
Like this? Well, actually, you just have to point.
My glasses were slipping.
Heh.
Thanks, Cicero.
You've been a big help.
[GROANS.]
Nice move, four eyes.
- Hi, Libby.
- Are you okay? Oh, my eyeballs just started itching.
It must be my contacts.
I'll be right back.
Libby wears contacts? [SIGHS.]
Much better.
- Oh, my God.
- What happened to you? You look totally weird.
I took my contacts out.
But what did you do to your hair? Well, I ran my fingers through it a couple times.
Doesn't it look shiny? - More like greasy.
- What's with the uniform? I was cold, so I pulled up my socks.
- It's function over fashion.
- Since when? [BELL RINGS.]
The bell.
We'll be late for class.
We're always late for class.
That's what we do.
But we might miss something that's on a test.
Come on.
What are you looking at? Hey, Harvey, Jenny, over here.
- You look happy.
- What's going on? Oh, just a new world order, and butterscotch pudding.
Oh, boy, butterscotch pudding.
Hair check.
Matt Sabetti's heading this way.
- Hi, girls.
- Hi.
Huhuhuhuh.
What was that noise? [COUGHING.]
My asthma just kicked in.
I need my inhaler.
Get it later.
It's time to cheer.
[CHANTING.]
We've got spirit.
- Let's hear it.
- Hear it.
Ready.
[COUGHS.]
Okay.
East meets west, and we know who's the-- Ow! You poked me in the eye.
Emergency huddle.
Not you.
You're huddling without me? You can't huddle without me.
You can't exclude me.
We just did.
You're sitting out Spirit Week, Chessler.
You're a threat to the whole team.
But where will I go? - Who will I sit with? - I'm sure you'd fit in over there.
[ALL LAUGH.]
I don't think so.
Watch where you're going, geek.
Who do you think you're talking to? Just because I wear glasses and have asthma and wanna do well in school, does not mean that I'm a-- [GASPS.]
Oh, no.
Oh.
Oh.
There's something different about Libby.
Did she change her hair? Ready? Okay.
[CHANTING.]
It's Spirit Week, and Libby's now a geek.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING.]
People are laughing at Libby.
I know it's mean to say this, but yes.
Hey, she's always been nice to me.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Well, whatever Libby's going through doesn't involve you.
Who said it did? It's not like I feel responsible.
I'm just a really empathetic person.
Gotta go.
Libby? [LIBBY WHEEZING.]
I know you're in here.
I can hear you wheeZing.
- What do you want? - I just came to talk.
Don't you mean gloat? I can talk and gloat at the same time.
Look, I thought you might need a friend.
Why? Because all my other friends dumped me? Don't they realise that geeks have needs and wants and feelings? If you trip us, do we not fall? If you prick us, do we not scream and pass out? - And what does that teach you? - To hate cheerleaders.
No, it teaches you that it's what's inside that counts.
- That's what I've learned? - Man, I hope so.
Wait a minute, let me process this.
It's what's inside that counts.
So no matter how I look or dress, I'm still me.
I'm still Libby Chessler.
Heh.
This is very exciting.
[WHEEZES.]
But not over-exciting.
Let's go back to lunch.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING.]
- Can I sit here? ALL: Huh? Relax, I'm one of you.
[CHUCKLES, SNORTS.]
[ALL CHUCKLING.]
What's going on? Libby's sitting with the geeks.
See, I told you she was nice.
What did you say to her? I just told her to be herself.
Let's talk about power.
How to get it.
How to keep it.
Hey, did you see Xena: Warrior Princess last night? Quiet, this is important.
- Are you catching the bus? - No, I'm going to Science Club.
Are you sure you wanna broadcast that? Yeah, I do.
Today the halls are safe for geeks.
But you can't protect them from themselves.
Hey, I brought my rock tumbler.
May we help you? What are you doing here? I'm the new president.
And by the way, membership is closed.
Science Club is now limited to six people.
That's how many can fit in the space shuttle.
You can't do that.
Where's Mr.
Pool? I sent him for Tang and Fig Newtons.
Besides, you don't belong here.
You're not a total geek.
Is she, guys? No, she's not.
No.
Yeah, you never sat with us at lunch.
And what's your eyesight, twenty-twenty? [ALL LAUGH.]
Stab me in the back with a protractor, why don't you? I can't believe you guys are siding with Libby.
She made fun of you all the time.
Yeah, but now she's our leader.
She's not my leader.
What did you say, Gordie? I said, you're not my leader.
You're pushy and bossy, and if Sabrina goes, I go.
- That was very brave of you, Gordie.
- Don't talk.
Run.
Look, Salem.
I'm tenderiZing the beef with my mace.
It's a deadly weapon and a handy kitchen tool.
Oh, please.
We've all seen the infomercial.
Hi, Sabrina.
I just had a big, stinky day.
Aunt Hilda, my magic never works the way I want it to.
Would it make you feel better to pound some beef? Maybe.
You'll be happy to know I got kicked out of the Science Club.
How come? Because Libby says I'm not a total geek.
I thought you were upset yesterday because she said you were one.
- Yes.
- There is no pleasing you.
All right, you're a little too good at that.
Heh.
- Let's take a break.
- Hey, can I lick the mace? Oh, all right, but be careful.
Mmm.
Oh! But it's worth it.
You know, the point was to teach Libby that it's what's inside that counts.
But I just forgot that inside, she's just a manipulative conniving dictator.
So are you reconsidering the snout? No.
I'm just gonna turn her back to normal.
I think I need to pound some more beef.
Hey, Cee Cee.
Nice uniform.
What does the W stand for? - Where's my brain? BOTH: Ha-ha-ha.
Well, you geeks Hey, look at me.
I'm Jill, and I wash my hair every day.
Shields down.
Direct hit.
Fire again.
Hey, how many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a pickle? I don't get it.
You wouldn't.
[GEEKS LAUGH.]
Did you see that? The cheerleaders are being teased by the geeks.
The revolution is upon us.
I wouldn't be too sure about that.
That's funny.
My eyeballs stopped itching.
So anyway, I checked out the Weird Al Yankovic website, and I think I'm gonna link it to my home page.
Hey, Libby.
Can I speak with you a moment? Make it quick.
I don't wanna be seen talking with you.
Okay.
Well, I was just wondering if you tried doing any cheers lately? I bet you could.
Any seal can clap.
I am a higher life form.
I never would have guessed it, but I think Libby really likes being a geek.
Doesn't surprise me.
Libby doesn't care what group she's in.
As long as she can exclude people, she's happy.
Jenny, I want you to come to Science Club with me.
Sorry, I'm not into organiZed science.
- Maybe I can convince you.
- I doubt it.
Ow.
I hope I didn't suffer a haematoma.
Save it for Club.
Come on.
- Hey, Harvey.
- Hey, guys.
What's up? - Wanna come to Science Club? - No way.
Weird.
Suddenly I wish I had every episode of Mystery Science Theatre on tape.
Hurry up.
We're gonna be late.
Calm down.
I'll be right back.
Stay here.
[SIGHS.]
For the good of mankind.
I can't look.
And the handwriting recognition on my Newton turned it into: "Are you afraid of the dork?" [ALL SPIT, LAUGHING.]
I'll get it.
[LIBBY SNORTS.]
- Hello, Mr.
Pool.
- Sabrina? Let's talk Philip K.
Dick.
- Hey, you can't come in here.
- Well, of course she can.
And I brought some friends with me.
Come on, guys.
Hello.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi.
You're all here for Science Club? Yeah, science rocks.
POOL: Well, welcome, welcome.
Oh, what a happy day.
I've touched you kids.
I'm gonna save the space programme.
Wait one nanosecond.
Science Club was supposed to be exclusively for geeks.
It is, but now we're all geeks.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Hey, Science Club is for everyone.
Are you kidding? This isn't a club.
It's just a bunch of people with shared interests hanging out together.
Well, not me.
I'm going home to wash my hair.
Wait, don't leave.
You'll miss out.
The rest of us are gonna play with really strong magnets.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
[GASPS.]
Look at you.
Geeked to the gills.
This is awful.
I blame myself.
No, wait.
I blame Zelda.
This is all your fault.
My fault? Oh, Sabrina, you look adorable, and so smart.
I feel smart.
And you know what? I learned something.
No matter what we're labelled, Libby will always be Libby, and I will always be me.
You had to become a geek to figure that out? Well, it's actually rather complex.
I just put it in layman's terms for you.
I have to do that all the time.
Oh, so, what are you saying, you dumb things down for me? - Well, C, colon, backslash: Duh.
- Would you speak English? [TALKING OVER EACH OTHER.]
- How come I always figure out the tip? - Without technology you wouldn't-- I am going to take a shower.
ZELDA: --VCR.
None of it would exist without science.
[GIRLS CHUCKLE.]
Here, let me help.
Wait a minute.
Here you go, Gordie.
You're setting me up, aren't you? Oh, so now we're helping geeks? I just don't feel like making fun of him anymore.
You know, geeks are people too.
But if we can't make fun of geeks, who will we make fun of? Hi, Sabrina.
Super-freak.
I just thought you should know the kid next door is chucking water balloons at our house.
Mm, I know.
Hilda already went out there.
She said she was gonna do something about it.
He's such a little creep.
He's gonna break my window.
HILDA: Arr! Prepare to be boarded, Timmy.
[EXPLOSION, GLASS SHATTERS.]
What was that? Yes.
I used my cannon.
It stays.