Samantha Who? s01e09 Episode Script

Flowers give every woman a taste of amnesia.
Why are those here ? Who are they for ? What do they mean ? What does he want ? What did I do ? All good questions.
And if you don't know life's little codes Well, you tend to panic easily.
Out of my way ! Oh, God.
Is Samantha here yet ? Hot ! Crap, you're here.
Sorry I'm late.
The coffee place was out of Tanzania Peaberry.
I drove across town, but all they had was the light roast Tracy, stop ! You have to stop acting like this, OK ? - There is no reason to be afraid of me.
- Sure there is.
My bangs grew back from the last time you cut them which, I agree, they were annoying, despite what my boyfriend said.
- Ex-boyfriend.
- OK.
Now, I know that I used to be someone that you had to be afraid of.
As did the mailroom people.
And the homeless.
Cats.
Some clergy.
My point is, is that I've changed, OK ? Let's try and forget about this whole bosslassistant thing.
- You're firing me ? - No.
No, no, no.
Just from now on let's just be more like, you know, like girlfriends.
Does a girlfriend hit harder than a boss ? - Samantha Newly ? - Flowers ? - Who sent - Baby's breath ! Sorry.
Garbage flower.
Tracy, stop ! Come here.
Give me a hug.
You got to let go, honey.
OK.
All right.
Good.
All right.
Thank you.
So who are those from ? - Kevin.
- Oh, the lumberjack.
The successful floor contractor.
Yeah, whatever.
So how is he ? Oh, he's fine, thanks.
He has a slight case of the sniffles, though.
No, in bed.
I don't know.
I've only known him for two weeks.
Oh, I see.
He's gay.
He is not gay.
Hey, listen to this.
"Meet me at Club Eight at nine.
We'll dance until ten and I'll have you in bed by eleven.
When you go home is up to you.
" Oh, my God.
Tonight might be the first time that I, you know, do it since the accident.
And it's with a gay lumberjack.
That's kind of sad.
- He is not gay.
He is respectful.
- Sweetie, my brother's respectful.
And he moved to Amsterdam to marry his respectful friend, Jay.
I am so happy for you ! If I were going to wish sex with a handsome carpenter on anyone, you would be my first choice.
- Well, you'd be my second choice.
- Oh ! Look at your beautiful flowers.
Let's put them over here so we can all enjoy them, and they can make your father feel bad.
They're from Kevin.
Oh, yey ! And who's responsible for this little courtship ? Me.
I am.
Me.
Yes, Mother.
You set us up.
If it wasn't for you, I would be nothing.
Honey, don't be silly.
You wouldn't be nothing.
You'd just be less.
Maybe I can repay you by naming our first child after you.
Oh, yes, do ! Even if it's a boy.
I think Regina is a masculine name in some Latino cultures.
I'm not in love with him.
It's just been three dates and some flowers.
I know, but don't put off the wedding.
Aunt Phoebe will not be happy if she dies before seeing you married.
And I think those pig valves only last about 13 years.
Sam ? If tonight is your first night with Kevin, don't you think your carpet should match your drapes ? What ? What does that mean ? I think it means your bra should match your panties, but I could be wrong.
Oh ! OK.
Let's see what we got.
Darn, these are all still wet.
I don't want to go all the way to Todd's for underwear.
Mom ? Did you happen to put any of my nice lingerie in my room today ? No, but you could borrow some of mine.
I have a leopard-print set that makes your father roar.
I think they call that jungle fever.
No.
And I'm off to Todd's.
What you doing ? All right, I wanted to spare you, but I have a date with Kevin tonight and I would like it if my carpet matched my drapes.
OK ? I don't think that phrase means what you think it means.
Whatever.
What I'm trying to say is that, you know, tonight might be the night that, you know, Kevin and I get intimate.
I hope this isn't hard for you.
Not if it isn't hard for you, you're holding my girlfriend's panties.
But they're in my drawer.
Chloe's over a lot, I thought it'd be easier if she had her own drawer.
Oh yeah.
Right.
Yeah, of course it would.
That's what people in relationships do.
They give each other drawers.
Doi.
Yeah.
It's tiny.
Good for her.
- I'm sorry we had to skip dessert.
- I am so, so sad.
- How does this come off ? - Why ? So I could take it off ? Oh.
Oh, yeah, right.
Naked.
Oh, that makes sense.
No, I mean in order for me to get naked I've got to take my clothes off.
- Hey, I have an idea ! - What ? Turn off the lights.
Watch how fast.
Dena ? Guess what ? I'm in love ! Good morning.
Where have you been, young lady ? I have been worried sick.
You've been to one of those raves ! You're high.
It's called a smile, Mom.
I was with Kevin.
And you were so right about him.
- Thank you ! - Oh ! Well all the thanks I need is that you admit I know what's best for you.
Well, gosh, come on, sit down.
I have some very exciting ideas about your life.
And I will even listen to them.
And you know why ? Because I am in love ! Oh - You are not in love.
- Yes, I am.
I know what I feel.
No, you don't.
This is all brand-new for you.
It's the first time you had sex.
Old you would have already changed your phone number, and met two new guys on the way to work.
La, la, la.
I'm not listening.
I love Kevin and you can't stop me.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
It is just biology ! You have sex, your face gets flushed, you feel all warm and wonderful.
It seems like love, but it's nature's way of telling you to stick your panties in your purse and run.
- Did you hand your secretary coffee ? - Uh-huh.
Sammy, I'm going to sneak out a little early.
- The boots I wanted just went on sale.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure, Trace.
Have fun.
OK, don't take this the wrong way, but parts of this new Sam make me really hate you.
Did you know there's a website where you can send somebody a little bear ? - I'm going to vomit.
- I'm going to send you one.
- Morning.
- Morning, you.
- What are you doing ? - Did you know that you had a drawer that only had socks in it ? Yeah, I did.
I call that my sock drawer.
I was thinking that if you put your socks from that drawer into your underwear drawer then there would be this empty drawer where I could put some of my things.
- You want a drawer ? - Yeah.
I mean only if it's OK with you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess I just hadn't thought of it.
Oh, well, it's a good thing I thought of it for you.
That's why we make such a good team.
I'll see you in the kitchen.
I'm going to go pick out a coffee mug ! OK, so now what ? Hey there.
You snuck up again.
You should wear a bell.
Oh, is this it ? Are you getting your things out ? Some.
Kevin gave me a drawer.
Of what ? A drawer.
For me.
Oh.
- Does he know that ? - Yes, Todd.
I doubt this is his first relationship.
Yeah, but it is yours.
I'm saying this as a friend.
Remember how we decided to be friends ? Yes, although I do think that on some level we were just saying that to keep from being hurt.
- I wasn't.
- Neither was I.
Don't you think you're moving fast ? No.
- I mean, it's only been two weeks.
- So ? Life is not a dress rehearsal, bucko.
The curtain has gone up, and I am not going to be late to the show again.
- Bucko ? - Yeah, you heard me.
- You know it's got wheels.
- Whatever.
Sam ? I like you.
Oh, my God, I was just thinking the same thing.
How weird is that ? Maybe not so weird, two people who like each other thinking "I like you.
" If we were both thinking "A polar bear can walk 30 miles in a day.
" That would be Sorry, you were saying ? That maybe we should, you know, slow things down.
Slow ? How slow ? I think we should stop seeing each other.
Wow.
That's very slow.
Make it stop.
Just teach me how to be dead inside.
Sweetie ? Oh Crying makes me feel like I should be comforting, and I don't do comforting.
Why did he break up with me ? Maybe it's because I wasn't good in bed.
Please.
You can hit a guy in the head with a book during sex and it's still going to be good for him.
I knew I guy who you had to hit right in the head with a book before he could even Oh, my God.
What is this ? I'm making a card for Kevin.
With pictures of us together.
I didn't have any pictures of us, actually, together, but I had some of me and I cut his head out of some of his business cards.
That's why his expression is always the same.
No.
Stop.
Just let him go.
- Do not try and get him back.
- I'm not trying to get him back.
I just thought that, maybe, he might want to see what we would look like together on vacation in Paris.
Oh, my God.
OK, that's it.
We're going straight to my house.
Come.
Get up ! Come on.
Come on ! We're going to go and we're going to get some wine on the way.
Andrea, I can't drink.
I'm an alcoholic.
- No, babe, you're not.
- What ? Hold on a minute.
I might want that in pink.
You're not an alcoholic.
A judge made you go to AA because you got drunk before a flight - and had a huge freak-out on the plane.
- Oh, great.
So I'm afraid to fly too.
Afraid to fly coach.
You forced me to come along to serve you drinks so you felt like you were in first class.
- So I can drink ? - Oh, yeah.
Come on.
I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give I will survive I will survive Oh ! I love this song ! It's like Gloria Gaynor is, like, looking right into my soul ! - You know ? - All right, sing it, Gloria ! Again ! At first I was afraid I was petrified Oh, my God, I will be so happy when you finally re-experience everything and that spark of wonder in your eyes goes dark again.
Oh, jeez.
This is what I needed, you guys.
Just a night with my closest, closest girlfriends.
I learned how to carry on And now you're back - Who wants more wine ? - And your mother.
Andrea, you know you don't have to finish every bottle.
It's not Cracker Jacks.
There's no prize in the bottom.
The prize is the more I drink, the blurrier you get.
- To Sam.
- To Sam ! To forgetting that son of a bitch.
Yeah, to hell with him.
Yeah, he was a son of a bitch.
Don't say that about him.
Why would you say that about him ? I think I heard it somewhere.
Kevin was a kind and thoughtful man.
- He was so sweet.
- He was an ass.
I'm confused about my role here.
I had such big plans for them.
The two of them were going to buy a second house in Asheville, North Carolina.
Not Boca Raton.
It's way too humid, you know, my hair would never do And Asheville has this thriving mountain crafts community.
Oh, God.
That was my own fault.
I completely misjudged that Kevin.
I thought he could handle a girl with head problems.
Mom, it's not your fault, OK ? It's not.
It's my fault.
You know why ? Because I'm unlovable.
You are not unlovable.
Oh, honey, no, no.
I mean true, there were times you were difficult to warm up to, but even then, I loved you.
Babies are hard.
I love you, too, Sam.
And what about Todd ? Todd loved you.
Hmm ? Todd ! Todd ! Todd ! - Todd ! - It might interest you to know this isn't even close to the most embarrassing thing I've seen you do on this sidewalk.
Shh.
Todd ! May I ask why you're doing this ? I want Todd.
"Who" is no longer a secret to anyone on this side of the lake.
I was wondering why.
'Cause I need to know if he really loved me.
OK ? Todd ! Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
- Let's get some coffee in you.
- Todd ! OK.
Oh ! Good news, Frank.
I don't have a drinking problem anymore.
- Gee, oopsie-daisy.
- No.
Now it's mine.
Ooh Drinking is like love.
It starts out OK.
The singing and the laughing part is real fun, and then it just takes this ugly turn around the crying and the yelling part.
I would tell you about the throwing up part, but I don't want to ruin the surprise.
That is it.
I am never falling in love again.
Of course you will.
And it may hurt.
But you will survive.
Oh, my God ! You speak the words of Gloria ! My wife and I karaoke.
She does an excellent Devo.
You are so lucky.
You have a wife.
I bet you she has a drawer.
She has all the drawers.
Yeah, but she loves you.
Someone loves you.
How great is that ? Someone once said, "The joy in life is not in hearing the words 'I love you,' but in being lucky enough to say them.
" Wow, that's beautiful.
- Who said that ? - The lead character in my screenplay.
It happens just before the shark gets him.
And he was right.
I mean, some people never do let themselves express their love.
How can you not express it, you know ? Like who can't express love ? Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
- Hey, Sam ? - Uh-huh.
Are we living together ? - Don't be an idiot.
- Well, I mean I'm here all the time, I've got a drawer, I've got a third of the closet.
No, we are not living together because that would imply that you would be paying half of the mortgage.
And I don't see that happening.
Yeah, I don't either.
Yeah, but I can still hang out here, right ? Eat what's in the fridge, sleep in your bed ? If you stopped, I'd kill you.
I love you, too.
Did I not say it to Todd ? Maybe I didn't.
Maybe I never even told him that I loved him.
Todd ! What ? What's going on ? Did I ever tell you that I loved you ? - Wait, I'm sorry ? - Did I ? Out loud ? No.
Well, you scratched it into the trunk of my car once.
- It was OK, it was an old car.
- Well, I did.
- What ? - I loved you.
I'm sorry that I didn't tell you before, OK ? But I'm pretty sure that I did.
I mean then.
Not now.
Before.
All right, let's just pretend like it's a long time ago, OK ? Just, ready ? I love you ! Then.
Because not now.
FYI.
- OK, then.
- You bet.
Todd I love you ! Shut up, Russ.
Well, I expressed it.
- I expressed the hell out of it.
- It went well, then.
Yeah.
Yeah.
In fact, from now on, I'm only going to say "I love you" to guys after I don't love them anymore.
Because it goes so much better.
- Sounds like a plan.
- Yep.
OK, except for this once.
- Frank - Don't you dare.
I wasn't.
Really.
So love really is a battlefield.
I learned that from another prophet on that CD at Andrea's.
The difference is, in battle, you're supposed to shoot all your ammo at once and annihilate the other side.
In love, sometimes you just got to hold your fire a little and see what happens.
Tracy, grab me that file on the Woodcrest property, please ? In a minute, sweetie, I got to dry.
At least I know I can express myself now.
You know what, Tracy ? I'm not sure if this whole girlfriend thing is working out so well.
- It works for me.
- No, you work for me.
I am your boss and you are my assistant, which means that you have my Tanzania Peaberry on my desk when I get here in the morning and keep your ass in that chair at night until you're sure I'm at home in my jammies.
- Are we clear, girlfriend ? - Yes, Miss Newly.
Maybe the key to survival in love and war is balance.
Did I say please ? I'm sorry, please.
And thank you.
Now get back to work ! - Please.
Right now ! - Oh Thank you.
Please.