Sanford and Son (1972) s01e09 Episode Script

Pop, you should've seen what I was coming across - What's that? - What's what? - That thing on your head.
- What's it look like? On a Frenchman it would look like a beret.
On you it looks like a chocolate upside-down cake.
Help me move this table.
I got some big stuff to bring in.
Move it? I just put this stuff down here.
I'm doing inventory.
This is coordinatin' day.
When I coordinate, I don't want nobody to fool around.
And if you wanna worry about this hat, don't worry.
I was looking through some old things upstairs and I ran across one of the souvenirs from France, World War I.
World War I, huh? That's right.
World War I, AEF, Fightin' 15th General Blackjack Pershing.
See, he was white, but they called him Blackjack I think because of the kind of gum he chewed.
- Pop, how old are you? - You know how old I am.
I'm 65.
World War I was in 1917.
You was 11 years old.
What did they give you to fight with, a BB gun? - Did I say World War I? - That's right.
Well, I must've meant World War II.
- World War II, France.
- France.
Yeah.
Third Army, General Patton, Old Blood and Guts.
And what did they call you, Tired Blood and No Guts? - What are you talking about? - I'm talking about World War II.
D-Day.
Vive la France.
I got the scar right here to prove it, and the Purple Heart.
Pop, you know you never left Fort Dix, New Jersey and that scar, you got from an appendix operation the army gave you the Purple Heart, you won in a crap game and that beret, you bought at the Goodwill store.
How would you like one across your lip? - Sure.
That's always your answer.
- Just don't call me no liar.
Don't give me that nonsense about D-Day and vive la France and all of that.
Well, I was in the army.
I could've been in the air force.
They were lookin' for a tail gunner and I turned that down.
- Why? - I won't sit in the back of no plane.
Would you stop.
- You wasn't in no army.
- You talk that old stuff.
Come on out here and help me unload this truck, you old faker.
- Faker? - That's right.
You just don't know.
You don't know where I've been.
I don't understand you kids today.
If I'd talk to my father like you talk to me, you know what he'd have done? Yeah, he'd have given you one across the lip.
That's right, and continue on down from there.
When he whipped, he whipped from the lips to the hips.
And that's the answer? It might not be the answer, but it sure was no question when he finished.
Pop, the kids today don't wanna hear nonsense.
They want the truth.
The truth shall set you free.
Yeah.
Your Uncle Edgar thought the same thing.
Truth would set him free, and he told the truth and the judge gave him six months.
Oh, my heart! I think I'm having a heart attack.
You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you, honey.
And your dummy son, he's brought me a wooden overcoat.
- What's the matter with you? - Them coffins, ain't they? Of course they're coffins, but they can't hurt you.
- Come over here.
Come over here.
- Don't bother me.
Don't touch me.
- I'm not going near them things.
- Just take it easy.
Now, listen.
Listen.
There's nobody in here.
Listen.
- Anybody in there? No.
- Don't do that.
Haven't you ever seen coffins before? Yeah, but not in my own backyard.
Get 'em out of here.
- I paid $25 for these.
- I don't care what you paid for 'em.
- Get 'em out of here.
- Listen to me.
We can make ourselves a nice little profit on these things.
I bought 'em at an auction.
Nobody else would bid on 'em.
Nobody would bid on 'em but an undertaker and a dummy.
And you ain't no undertaker.
Would you stop that and start thinking like a businessman.
I'm telling you, we can make a hundred percent profit on these things.
What's wrong with 'em? I don't know.
Maybe they last year's model.
Coffins are like bathtubs.
They never go out of style.
I don't like bathtubs.
I take a shower.
- Just get 'em out of here.
- Would you listen to me? We all have to go sometime.
Somebody's gonna need these coffins, and they'll come and take 'em off our hands.
I hope if they need 'em, they come and take 'em before they need 'em.
That's when we'll make ourselves a nice little profit on the deal, okay? Okay, but they ain't stayin' out here in the yard.
Of course not.
They're going in the house.
What? You don't think I'm gonna leave 'em out here.
They'll get ruined out here.
- Well, they ain't going in the house.
- Well, they're not staying out here.
- And they ain't going in the house.
- Yes, they are.
No, they're not.
Over my dead body.
Well, that's one sale we got.
Which one do you want? I think they're both the same size.
And they're a good color.
- Brown will go with anything.
- So will this brown go with anything.
Would you grab the other end when I slide this out, okay? I ain't going in first.
Make me feel like a pallbearer.
That's a bad sign, havin' coffins in the house.
You believe all them silly superstitions, don't you? Don't open an umbrella in the house.
Don't put your shoes on the table.
Don't put your hat on the bed.
Put it right down here.
And what's that other one you told me that time? Oh, yeah.
A cat yowling at midnight means there's gonna be a death in the house.
Come and help me get the other.
You can think what you want to, but it happened.
Happened to my Cousin Richard.
Cat yowled and yowled and yowled outside the house all night.
They found him the next morning, dead.
Pop, the cat was yowling 'cause he never saw anybody that liquored up.
And as for your Cousin Richard, they found him dead, all right.
He was dead drunk.
Grab that other end.
I sure don't like to touch these things.
- Would you get in there? - I ain't going in first.
Haven't you ever heard of that old sayin' "The second time through you gotta go feet first"? - I didn't I didn't remember that.
- Yeah.
Okay, you're right.
Now, You see that? I just made that up and you believed me.
That's how superstitions get started.
Yeah, but what about when all them pigeons gathered on top of Miss Johnson's house, and I told you that was a bad sign? I said Miss Johnson's not gonna be around long.
And within a year, she was dead.
Miss Johnson was 97 years old.
Well, the pigeons knew it.
They knew they had to take a rest.
Pigeons can't fly forever.
Why'd they have to rest on top of her roof? You can't answer that, can you? I can't answer that 'cause it doesn't make any sense.
That's part of the nonsense that we were just talking about.
Ain't no nonsense.
It's a bad sign.
You get these things out of here.
You turned this house into a place of mourning.
And I suppose up until now this junkyard has been Fun City.
I think these coffins kind of cheer the place up.
Don't sit down on that.
That's a bad sign.
Something awful will happen.
Pop, if that was the case, there wouldn't be an undertaker alive.
They're surrounded by these things all day.
Yeah, but that's different.
That's their job.
And it's not a bad one.
That's not a bad business to get into.
Listen.
You'd make a real fine undertaker.
- You got cold hands.
- Don't touch me.
And a nice sad kisser.
You'd do real good.
I can see it now.
"Sanford and Son, Funeral Directors.
" "Immediate family, right this way to the first row, please.
" You stop talkin' like that.
You watch and see.
- Something awful's gonna happen.
- Don't worry.
Just relax.
We'll have a customer for these things before the day is over.
On the way home I stopped by the barbershop to spread the word.
What are we gonna do in the meantime, stretch out in 'em and watch TV? - That's not a bad idea.
- Shut up.
Listen.
If we can't sell these we could cut the back out and make a sofa or a couch.
Hush.
If we only sell one of'em, we can cut the other one in half and we can make matching end tables.
That's right.
We ain't never had matching end tables.
- What do you say, Pop? - Don't call me Pop.
You don't sound like no son of mine.
You sound like the son of Frankenstein.
You really are ridiculous.
You see? There's a customer already.
Well, there goes our matching end tables.
- Yeah? - Mr.
Sanford? I'm Nelson Lee Davis of the Davis Funeral Home.
- Oh, yeah.
- You have some caskets for sale? - Right.
Come on in, Mr.
Davis.
- Thank you.
- This is my father.
- How do you do, Mr.
Sanford? You must excuse my cold hands.
Cold hands, warm chapel.
That's a little joke in my profession.
That's as funny as a train wreck.
Now, that'd get you some business.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- Mr.
Davis, the coffins are here.
- Ah, yes.
Ain't nobody in there.
Dummy checked.
May I ask if you might know who the last owner happened to be? It was a little old lady from Pasadena.
A little joke from my profession.
Would you stop that.
Why do you ask, Mr.
Davis? Well, I would like to know a little about the construction.
For example, are they lined with copper or zinc? - It makes a difference.
- Not to the one who's getting in 'em.
Would you stop it.
Besides, they are rather plain, aren't they? - What were you thinking of asking? - Fifty dollars apiece.
- Fifty dollars? - Well, what were you thinking? I was thinking $25, for the two.
You know something? That's good thinking.
- That's good thinking.
Take it.
- I'm sorry.
What about $30? I'm sorry.
Fifty dollars apiece.
I'm sorry.
Thirty dollars.
That's my final offer.
- I'm sorry, Mr.
Davis.
- Well, I am too.
Well, gentlemen, I won't take up any more of your time.
Good day.
If you change your mind, give me a call.
It's been a slow week.
Business is dead.
I heard that one at the morticians' convention.
Good day, gentlemen.
You could've sold 'em.
He offered you $30.
Thirty dollars? Are you kidding? That's only five dollars profit.
I'm telling you, Pop, I'm gonna make a killing with these.
Why don't you make two killings and get rid of both of'em? You see that? There's another customer already.
Sell these two.
- Hey, Melvin.
- Hello, Lamont.
- How you doing? - Hello, Fred.
Good-bye, Fred.
Good-bye, Lamont.
Wait a minute.
Melvin! Melvin! Come on back.
Come on You big dummy, I'm gonna lose all my good friends.
You get them things out the house.
There's another customer.
What did I tell you? This time of evening? Are you kidding? Just watch and see.
- Hey, Melvin.
Come on in.
- Are those caskets still in here? If they are, I'm not coming in.
Hey, Fred, come on out here.
It's your friend Melvin.
Come on back in the house and watch some TV.
I'm not coming back in while you got those two things in your living room.
I don't wanna go in there either.
Do you know anybody around that might be able to use one? If he can use it, he ain't no longer around.
On the other hand, if he's around, he can't use it.
It's a tough item to sell.
Sort of like selling Christmas trees the day after Christmas.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
What'd you let him buy them things for anyway? I didn't.
You know how kids are today.
They got what they call "doing their thing.
" He won't even listen.
I guess we were the same way when we were young, Fred.
- Yeah.
- Did you listen to your father? Every time he raised that strap up, he had my complete attention.
Are you two just gonna stay out there and talk? Yeah, we gonna stay out here and talk.
Two old superstitious men, you and Melvin.
- I ain't superstitious.
- Me either.
But I ain't going back in there.
Look at my right eye jumping.
Yeah.
Well, you better get home.
That means somebody's there waitin' for you.
And hurry 'cause it might rain.
- How can you tell? - My corn's been actin' up.
- That's a true sign.
- It is.
I'm going home before it starts raining.
I'll see you later on.
- All right.
- Come on by anytime.
You almost caused me to lose my best friend.
And what are you gonna do with these things? What do you mean, what am I gonna do with them? The undertaker didn't buy 'em.
Now you ain't gonna ever get rid of'em.
Don't worry.
They'll be gone by tomorrow.
Tomorrow? You mean they stayin' here tonight? I already told you, they'll get ruined out in the yard.
- Lf they stayin' here, then I'm leavin'.
- What? That's right.
I ain't stayin' in no house with no coffins.
You'd rather leave than stay in the house with these things? I would rather.
- Where are you gonna sleep? - I'll sleep out on the truck.
- On the truck? - Uh-huh.
Pop, the truck smells like gasoline.
That don't make me no difference.
I'll get a couple of blankets.
You mean you're actually gonna sleep out there on the truck? - Yep.
- That makes no sense.
- All that smell of gasoline.
- Gasoline clears my sinuses.
But what about your arthritis? That's bad for your arthritis.
I've slept under worse conditions in the trenches.
The trenches? That's right.
They had trenches at Fort Dix.
This is really ridiculous.
You're actually gonna go through with it? These are just two empty coffins.
They can't hurt you.
But if I stay here tonight, you won't have to sell but one of'em.
When I was a kid, I heard a story once.
A fella stayed in the house all night with a coffin and the next morning, his hair had turned white.
Now, you'd look good with white hair just likeJackie Robinson.
Pop, that doesn't make any sense.
These things can't hurt you.
- What are you afraid of? - Nothin'.
Ain't nothin' gonna hurt me.
- I'm just gonna get me some sleep.
- I'll leave the door open for you - in case you change your mind.
- You can close it.
I ain't gonna change my mind.
Good night, Jackie.
He's scared of two He doesn't make any sense.
It's ridiculous.
Just two coffins.
I'm not afraid.
I'll stay in here.
Don't bother me.
- Say, Pop, can you hear me? - What? I just wanted to know if you was all right and to tell you that I left the door open for you in case you change your mind.
- I know.
- Okay.
I know.
Just close the door.
Leave me alone.
I don't want you to be scared out there.
This is ridiculous.
Two empty coffins.
I'm going to bed.
What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack? I just wanted to tell you that the lights don't work.
What you come out here and try to kill me for? Go in there and put a fuse in.
Yeah, that's what I'll do.
I'll change the fuse.
- It probably just needs a fuse.
- Yeah.
Go, will you? - I'll just go change it.
- Please change it.
The fuse.
- Good night.
- Night.
Pop, where's the fuses? Where you expect 'em to be, in the fruit bowl? They in the fuse box.
I'll just go get one in the fuse box and I'll have it changed in a minute.
- You don't have to worry.
- Will you go on in.
I'll just change the fuse.
- What? Who is it? - It's me, Pop.
Lamont.
- Hi, Pop.
- Hi, son.
- What time is it? - It's just a little after 12.
Why you wakin' me up at a little after 12? - I wanted to see if you was all right.
- I'm all right.
Leave me alone.
Good night.
Night.
- Say, Pop.
- What is it? - What is it now? - You better come back in the house.
- Are those things still in there? - Yeah.
- Then I ain't coming back in.
- But what about your arthritis? You only got arthritis in your hands.
If you stay out here you'll be a cripple from your neck down.
And we'll be a perfect match 'cause you're a cripple from your neck up.
But what if something happens to you and I'm not out here to help you? Ain't nothin' gonna happen to me.
Please let me get some sleep.
I was layin' here dreaming about Lena Horne.
Now, please, let me rejoin Lena.
You mean you're really not coming back in? I mean I'm really not.
If you're gonna be foolish about it, I'm just gonna have to stay here with you.
No, no, now, listen.
There's no need of you being out here afraid alone at night so I'm just gonna stay out here with you.
This is ridiculous.
You're ridiculous.
And I'm ridiculous for being out here with you.
- Then go back in the house.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Pop, you asleep? No, I'm just checking my eyelids for cracks.
Say, Pop? What is wrong with you? If I get rid of them coffins, would you come back in the house? - Are you gonna get rid of'em tonight? - No, the first thing tomorrow morning.
Then I'll see you the first thing tomorrow morning.
That's what I'll do.
I'll just get rid of'em the first thing tomorrow 'cause if you're scared, you're scared.
That's nothing to be ashamed about.
Some of us get scared.
If you believe in that kind of stuff, then it can get to you.
Fortunately, I don't believe in that, 'cause those coffins are in here and you and me are out here.
I got 'em loaded on your truck, Mr.
Davis.
They're ready to go.
Thank you.
And here is your check for $25.
- Thank you.
- Mr.
Sanford.
I can't shake on account of my arthritis.
I understand.
By the way, do you think you'll be getting your hands on any more coffins? I hate to disappoint you but this is our final going out of business forever coffin sale.
Well, thank you again.
I must be getting back to my place now.
Like everybody else, I'm a working stiff.
Another little joke in the profession.
Well, I hope you're satisfied.
I got exactly what I paid for 'em and it's all because of you and your silly superstitions.
Ain't got nothing to do with superstition.
I just wanted them out.
And I suppose now you're gonna tell me that you're not superstitious.
I'm not.
That's something you made up in your mind.
I'm not supersti - What's the matter with you? - Undertaker left his hat.
He left it on the table, and it's Friday and the clock is striking 12.
- Where you going? - I'm getting out of here.
I'm gonna check the roof for pigeons.
Would you come back here.
Listen.
I'll take Listen Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.