Serie Noire (2014) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Claudio Bruno isn't dead.
Patrick is in touch with him.
We're stuck.
I thought it would help.
Let's throw her pH off-balance.
When you were together, did she suffer from chronic vaginitis? I stole some jewelry, to simulate a robbery.
Do you want some of it? It's a fucking good thing she won't be doing season two What do you mean? She won't do season two? She just accepted a smaller role in another series I'm speaking to you live from the main site of the second Snow and Icicle Festival.
We've got a huge and lively crowd.
I'm with event spokesperson, the ever so beautiful Caroline Michaud.
-Hi, Caroline! -Hi! Caroline, what made you want to become the spokesperson for an event of this type? I just love winter, it always brings the family together.
Of course, it's cold, it's windy, it's snowy, but it's a great opportunity to bring the family together.
What should we expect this year? The Snow and Icicle Festival offers a large selection of outdoor activities.
Some indoor activities as well, but not as many of course It sounds like you're going to have a very busy winter! You're going to play the scientist Natacha Brochnik in the film Snow Creature 2, shot here in Quebec.
Yes! The film is set in Siberia, but the producers really fell in love with our landscapes.
It reminded them of Siberia! How does it feel to make your debut in the international cinema arena? I feel really proud.
If you haven't seen it yet, the first Snow Creature starred Dolph Lundgren.
Yes! He's the Russian in Rocky 4.
Is Dolph going to come back in the second movie? Absolutely! Yes! More in shape than ever! Caroline, we can't wait to see this I wanted to say that the movie does carry an environmental message: the monster only attacks the polar bear hunters.
OK, the movie does take a stance! Yes indeed! Against polar bear hunting! My character is featured in some very moving scenes.
I play a scientist who tries to save them.
The bears, not the hunters -And there's -Thank you, Caroline! The Snow and Icicle Festival will end on February 23.
Caroline, we just want to know Why won't you talk to us? We don't want to change your mind, we just want to understand your decision.
I think my agent was very clear! Maybe you don't realize the consequences of your decision on the production as a whole! My decision is final.
-Give her the episodes! -We wanted to wait Fuck the plan, give her the episodes! Look, these are the first three episodes of season two! Just read them through, I know it will change your mind! -I'm sorry.
-No, wait.
We have a new writing method.
We've been writing some really strong stuff.
Valerie, who has always fought against crime in the name of justice, is going to have to fight against justice by becoming a criminal.
-This is a complete turnaround.
-Yes! Well, fuck you! We'll hire a more beautiful actress.
She won't freak out because she has to show her shoulder! Or her breast! We'll just say the wounds inflicted by Pierre at the end of season one forced Valerie to resort to plastic surgery.
That will explain the new face! Yes, like Mark Hamill! Actually, are you sure that Mark Hamill isn't in your shitty movie for has-been actors? If you wanted to act in a third-rate film, you could at least have chosen a French Canadian one! By the way, episode three is awesome! Hiding Miguel's body It generates great tension! And Judge Boivin falling in love with the prostitute Very moving! What do you think of Valerie running the cartel? -Do you like that? -I love it! I love that side of Valerie.
I love her drive! -Same here.
-But do you really think we could switch actresses? Do you want a short or a long answer? -A short one.
-No.
-What's the long answer? -Are you crazy or what? Season two can only go ahead if the main actor's contract is renewed.
It's in the broadcaster contract.
What does it mean? If Caroline doesn't come back, nobody does! The broadcaster doesn't know about this yet, but I won't be able to hide the news for very long.
Yes, hello? I'm sorry, my dear, something came up No, it's all right! They accept! You can explain it yourself.
Look, I'll turn the speaker on.
-Hello? -Hello, guys.
What do you want? Look, my next column is going to be called: "Does a writer have the right to vampirize people's life?" And I thought about you two.
I'm planning to meet the guy who's harassing you, Marc Arcand, and I thought you'd like to give me your own version.
The idea came from him.
No, we don't want to do this at all.
We don't condone this type of smear campaign.
We're in writing mode right now.
We're very busy.
It takes time to set new standards of mediocrity on television.
OK! No, they'll be happy to do it.
Thank you for this great opportunity! You don't seem to care My name is on the formal notice! OK! Yes! Tomorrow, 3:30 PM? That's great! -Yes, they can! -Perfect! Thank you! Judith has worked for 6 years in a credit union as a financial advisor.
She's known for her educated and attentive approach.
In these times of economic uncertainty, she makes sure to offer safe financial products catering to the specific needs of her clients.
It won't be long, Mr.
and Mrs.
Lavoie, I just want to review your profile.
We are obviously a little indecisive We're talking about our lifelong savings.
Yes, I completely understand.
Sorry, it's taking a moment.
I just want to make sure everything's in good shape.
-It's perfect, Mr.
and Mrs.
Lavoie! -We're very happy.
I'm going to ask you to sign here.
There you go.
I'll put the documents in the mail tomorrow, you'll receive them by the end of the week.
-Thank you very much.
-Have a great day! Hello, Denis? -How are you? -I scanned the picture, and that purple shape is clearly a business sign.
I told you to wait for me to do that! I can read some of it It looks like "re mode".
Judith, as the lead investigator, I can't allow you to take this kind of initiative.
Damn, you aren't doing anything! You need to get moving! Think about this, March is coming Your buddy is going to start thawing! I'm aware that March is coming, I just had some maple taffy! I'm just telling you that the picture was taken in front of a business with a name ending with "re mode".
That's a lead right there! By the way, we are in full operating mode, but our priorities have changed.
Our main actress is quitting, it's a major crisis, and it has become our top priority.
You have a hard time understanding this, but it's OK.
The lower ranks of an organization can't always understand the upper management's decisions.
The investigation is getting out of hand! Many things are getting out of hand.
What's that? OK! Put this on, and shut the fuck up! -Come on, is this a joke? -Put this on! -It's cool, we know the routine! -That's how we do it! Put it on.
We drank Chardonnay together! -Damn! -Careful! So? Did he call? I'm sorry, Claudio, but this is not OK.
You can't just abduct us every time.
-I want to know if he called! -No, he didn't call! Don't be rude! I just want to clarify something.
We're on one side of the fence And you're on the other side.
We don't need you guys.
But on the other hand, you need us.
What does it mean? -What does it mean? -I'm not sure He brought up politeness.
If anyone needs to be polite here, it's going to have to be you guys.
If anyone should be afraid, right now it wouldn't be him, it would be you.
He's the one having a conversation with your boss! He's your boss' right-hand man, right now.
When your boss sees or hears anything these days, it's through these eyes and ears! So, if you're smart, and I know you are, every time you run into this guy, act as if you were running into Bruno, OK? I know he's not Bruno, he's different from Bruno, but I want you to treat him as if he were Bruno, do you understand? Now, you're going to apologize.
You asked him to stop being rude, and that was rude, so you're going to apologize.
-I apologize.
-Don't say it to me, say it to him! I apologize.
For what? I apologize for asking you to stop being rude.
-Can you say it louder? -I apologize It's all good.
All right! I feel better.
I just can't wait for him to call.
I can't sleep anymore, I'm suffering from anxiety, I think I know, but you disturbed us.
We need to work today! Would you like to work here? That way I'll be near if Bruno calls! You could set up on the other side.
There are tables We need a quiet place to write.
I can lend you my office if you'd like.
But We'll need fresh fruit platters! And a dry erase board and marker pens to write down our ideas.
A coffee machine A true espresso machine! Not some disgusting thing with plastic cups, I hate that stuff, it's so unsustainable! It's OK! But there will be one guy with you in case the phone rings.
-Not him.
-No problem! Holy shit! It's all right, I'm sure it's not him.
Aren't you going to answer? -It's not him.
-Give me that! Hello? Can I speak to Patrick, please? Who is this? This is Jean-Guy Boissonneau.
My voice probably sounds familiar to you.
I'm an actor.
Hello? I was wondering Is Lea allergic to penicillin? Why do you want to know that? She makes protein shakes for herself in the morning.
I have some antibiotics leftover from an old laryngitis, I can crush them and mix them in, it will speed up the process.
I don't understand what you're talking about.
Wait! -I can't believe it -You've been very patient! I feel like a kid before Christmas! -No, stop! -What? -It's burning! Pull out! -It's burning? Hold on a second We're going to have to wait longer.
-But you told me -I told you I was feeling better, but apparently, it's not over yet! That's right! I wanted to read this to you.
This is Sara, Valerie's sister, speaking.
Just try to picture echo, an effect, something ghostly "They talk about insanity, but forget leniency, it's time to strike back, when everything grows back.
" So? I'm sorry, do you mind if I go in the bathroom to masturbate? No! Go right ahead! Do you like this better: "It's time to strike back, time to launch the attack"? Thank you.
Thank you! Great idea! Thank you for your great idea! We've dreamed about having our own office for so long! Your performance was great.
No, seriously, I've never seen you this good.
I know this is going to sound weird, I know we're talking about a character but I feel that Valerie's helping me.
She's fighting for her life, she's now running a cartel And the funniest part is that we're exactly in her shoes now.
Stop it, it's not as if we were running a criminal organization! No? What are you doing sitting in the East Gay Gang leader's chair then? No, I think Caroline Michaud doesn't know what she's got herself into.
What do you mean? Calm down, Joe Pesci! If his phone rings, you scream to let us know, OK? Hi, Ricky.
Would you like some cantaloupe, Ricky? It's very good, very sweet May I help you? Look I'll give you a little piece.
Denis, stop it! Here, go ahead.
Denis! It's good, right? I used the toilet tank cover because it was close at hand.
But I would really like to start over.
What do you say? Can we hit the reset button? And regarding what happened at the motel, let's just not say anything to Claudio, when you start talking again.
You can't talk back, but you can scream, I heard you the other night.
So we're going to -Is that him? -No.
It's my phone.
It's my girlfriend, Judith.
I'm going to take this.
Yes, hello? I have a last minute meeting.
-Can you pick up Juliette at school? -Yes, OK.
I'm with Patrick, we're finishing something.
-What's going on? -Hold on! I'm waiting! What's going on, Judith? -Shit! -What, "Shit"? Judith? What the hell! What about the body in the shed? Are you going to abandon me? What? You only speak English when you don't want me to understand.
Are you talking about abandoning me? Come on! What are you talking about? You take less and less care of me.
Come on sweetheart! We do take care of you! Check out this beautiful sandwich! We're just talking about adult matters, and it's none of your business, that's all.
But please tell me where did you see Toutoune? Is she OK? Why are you speaking English? Wait! Fuck, I have another call Hello? I have an emergency meeting tomorrow afternoon with the broadcaster, we're going to get canned, I'm freaking out! Why are you speaking English? Hello? I might get home late, I have a big night.
Should I sleep at my place so I don't bother you? It's up to you.
I'll figure it out.
Good night.
Good night.
What time is her meeting with the broadcaster? She said this afternoon.
-We have a few hours to act.
-What are we going to do? -Do you remember Clément? -The hairdresser? Big guy? Yes.
He's working on Snow Creature 2.
He gave me some details.
-What's that? -Close the trunk.
Hello, guys! You're not saying hello to Patrick? -Hello, Patrick -Hello.
For Redje, for Dan A little present.
For you guys as well.
That's from Patrick.
Come on They left him here all night? Here.
Why do you do that? After the iron fist, the velvet glove -Who are you calling? -You.
-Is that him? -No! I'm sorry.
I called Patrick by mistake.
Look, Claudio, we don't mind working here, but if you want us to keep on working, we need to make sure we're going to keep our job.
-Do you understand? -No.
We're going to need the East Gay Gang's help.
Are you driving me to the set of Snow Creature 2? -That's right -Yes? Karine? This is Bernard.
Karine speaking.
I want Caroline on set right now! I'm on it, I'll get her.
I'll bring her to make-up.
Hi! My name is Karine.
-I have some rewrites for Mme Michaud.
-No problem.
I'm her assistant, I'll pass it on to her.
There are some add-ons, some cuts as well.
The parts about polar bears have been cut out.
-They've been replaced by sea lions.
-It's great.
-Mrs.
Michaud hasn't arrived yet? -Not yet.
We need her to go to make-up as soon as she gets here.
We have a big day.
PRESS ONLY What's the movie? Some third-grade American shit.
-What's the title? -Snow Creature 2.
What? With Dolph Lundgren? Damn, it was in my top 5 in 2009.
Dolph is here? You can get into position now.
And what will happen if Bruno calls while I'm out there? -He won't call -And what if he does? Give me your phone.
Here, you can answer it.
Can I have my cell phone back? -It's still charging.
-I know, but I'd like to have it I told you I would charge it, so let's charge it all the way.
What time is it? My call time is at Noon.
Your cell.
-How are you? -Very good! -My name is Caroline.
-You're late! Our day is fucked -It's the -They had to move your scene.
Dolph told me he's never seen this Stallone would have never put up I've just been practicing so much, repeating the words "polar bears" OK, get a hold of yourself! We all need a breather.
Just say "sea lions" every time you want to say "polar bears", it'll work.
I think I'm losing it! Get a grip! Hello? Don't panic! It's not Bruno, it's me.
You're not in position! Daniel says you're not there.
Do you remember the boxing gloves at the beginning of Rocky 4? When the American and Russian gloves hit each other before they explode? The Russian glove is in Dolph's trailer! Who cares about the glove! Get into position! Is someone there? Someone! Help me, I'm stuck inside! I don't feel anything! -Shut up! -I'm on the phone! Yes! Louise, tell me, have you ever heard this saying: "Half a pancake is better than no bread".
No, I can't talk to you, I feel like an inmate on her way to the execution chamber.
OK, ask him for 24 hours.
Tomorrow, call Caroline Michaud's agent and make her a last chance offer.
I guarantee you Hold on! Help me! Holy shit! Are you kidding me? Fuck! Bernard, this is Karine The actress is smoking pot I can guarantee you that your offer will be accepted.
I'm not going to lie, this is a very serious issue.
I had to make a big decision Can you just give me 24 hours? No.
She already knows.
-I fired her -Caroline? Who? No, Lea! I made a fool of myself.
I mixed business with personal matters, I betrayed my family I miss my wife, I love her so much! So much Can we all agree on this? A ghost speaking in rhymes What a fucking stupid idea! -Marc Arcand? -Yes.
-Anne-Sophie Leverdiere -Nice meeting you.
-Mr.
Marlin.
-Nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Judith Larrivee? -Yes.
-This is for you.
-Thank you.
-And this too.
-Thank you.
Have a good day! I'm sorry, I know it's taking a long time.
It's really not something something anyone should make fun of.
May I ask you what happened to you? I had an accident.
Accidents happen so fast! OK, thank you! I think you made your point.
Mr.
Arcand is going to rest now.
He's still suffering from the trauma.
Yes.
I'm still recovering.
We're in a hurry, we have to go.
-Thank you.
-Thank you so much.
No, thank you.
-Hello.
-Hello.
Sit down.
What a pity A journalist who can barely write.
We can't complain! -Thanks for meeting me.
-No problem.
How's your arm? I'm taking the cast off next week.
What happened to you? I always say it's an accident, but I was actually assaulted.
Really? Two masked guys forced their way into my home.
OK, you're saying two guys, but did they both assault you? What do you mean? Was one more aggressive than the other? Sometimes, there are two people involved, but one is guiltier than the other.
Forget it! I'm sorry, are you in a meeting? -What are you doing here? -I thought you would be alone.
I don't understand.
The treasure hunt! We got into a fight, and Denis put a treasure hunt together to apologize.
It's nice, isn't it? Excuse me, can I ask you -where you got this necklace? -Yes, it's from Denis! It's part of the treasure hunt.
Pretty, isn't it? -"A.
B.
" are my grandma's initials.
-You'll have to ask Denis.
No, I didn't get this necklace.
-I think it's my grandma's necklace! -I bought it at the pawn shop! So you did get it.
Did you? I found it in a pawn shop! The criminals probably sold the jewelry after assaulting and robbing you.
How do you know I got robbed as well? I never mentioned a robbery.
I just assumed You always look posh You must have some nice jewelry.
It's too weird! What name did you call me yesterday? Joe Pesci? Why are you doing this? I can't talk to you.
What do you want from me? Where are your Santa Claus costume and your nunchakus? -Go ahead! -No Come on, take your revenge! He's the one who killed Appolo Creed! Aren't you supposed to be Ivan Drago? Go ahead! -Is that good enough? -It'll do.
OK! No more bullshit! I have some guys working for me who would love to reenact all six Rockys with you everyday if you keep doing this shit.
And I'm not talking about Rocky skating with Adriane, I'm talking about the fights! All right.
By the way, Adriane falls into a coma in the second film, and Mickey dies in the third one.
It didn't go well? What do you mean? Let's wait until we read the article, but I have the feeling it's not going to be positive I'm still opening the champagne! Not only is Caroline Michaud back with us, but Patrick, I have a contract for you to sign! The broadcaster officially apologized to me, and he wants you to know he's really sorry for attempting to break up such a talented screenwriting team! What about Lea? I talked to her earlier, she'll be focusing on writing novels from now on, a genre less formatted and restrictive than television writing! It's really awesome! There's one small issue.
Of course, it sounded too good.
No, it's a really small thing.
Let me explain before we open the bottle.
I went a little overboard with the broadcaster when he said he wanted to hire you back.
I told him how great you are and how wonderful the episodes you wrote in secret are I exaggerated the amount of episodes you've already written.
-You have -We've written three episodes.
That's the issue, I told him you had written five episodes, it just sounded punchier.
And what does that mean? It means you need to get on it, because he wants to read the five episodes next week.
You can have my cabin and you can write non-stop this weekend.
What do you say? No TV, no cell phone network, no girlfriend, no children.
It could be great, right? Well done, I'm really happy for you.
Thank you.
But writing two episodes in four days is physically impossible.
You guys are great, I'm not worried.
Can I talk to you about something before you leave? Yes, OK.
It's just You're leaving.
I'm staying here It doesn't feel right.
The way we live together is weird, don't you think? No, I don't think it's weird, but I assume you think so.
This is not my place.
These are your things, all my stuff is at my place.
I don't really have a reason to stay away from my place as I'm no longer under threat.
And it's stupid to pay the rent over there for no reason.
Look, if you feel like you're here for no reason Why don't we move in together? A bigger place It would cost me less as well.
I would feel at home Wouldn't it be nice? Wait, are you telling me OK, in the story, that's when I say "I love you" and you say "me too"? I don't think we're quite there yet, but it's definitely the moment when we fuck and we feel our relationship has reached a new level.
Yes! Hi, it's me.
You're not answering, so you must be busy picking up Juliette.
Look, Patrick will pick me up in 15 minutes So it's too bad, we won't get to talk before I leave Take care, I'll be back Tuesday.
Give Juliette a kiss for me.
Her cabin must be nice! Henri probably has a wine cellar It's Louise! There was one bar on yours, and now there's none.
Stop it.
There's no signal here.
-OK, I don't see anybody.
-Let's go! I need to call Judith, I need to call the police! Start the car, I'll clear the snow.
We need to get the fuck out! He's here!