Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll (2015) s01e09 Episode Script
Take My Picture by the Pool
1 Holy shit.
No whiskey in your coffee? Must be something serious.
(Johnny) [groans.]
Why don't you blow me? - Why? 'Cause Ava isn't? - Oh, yeah.
She told Gigi that things have slowed down for you guys in the sack lately.
Look at me.
I'm your age.
And I got a 21-year-old girlfriend, right? - Look at you.
You look like shit.
- She's not your girlfriend.
You're a revenge fuck.
That's what you are, okay? She's just sleeping with you to get back at me.
Dude, your daughter's worried about you.
Your woman isn't interested in having sex with you.
Ava loves me.
That's a given, okay? She doesn't want to blow you.
So that's in danger of turning into a brother-sister kind of love.
I have a sister.
I don't find her attractive.
You know why? 'Cause she's my goddamn sister.
Get your shit together.
Take a good look in the mirror.
Actually, don't look in the mirror.
Why? It ain't that pretty, pal.
Hey, hon, how old do you think I look? [groans.]
I don't know.
How old do you want to look? [hard rock music.]
Sex and drugs and rock and roll All right All right 'Cause I don't want to die Anonymous No, no No, no No, no [rock music playing.]
Gonna make you shake - Ooh.
- Huh! (Gigi) Gonna make you move I don't hesitate - No - Huh.
Do what I want to do What's my name? Baby (both) Say my name Yow! [Ira clapping.]
(Ira) Fantastic.
I love it.
And it couldn't come at a better time, guys.
(Ava) What do you mean? (Ira) I have some potentially big and earth-shattering news.
I got an offer from Sony Music.
Get this.
They want to sign Gigi.
They think she's gonna be the next big thing, and the advance is $250,000.
(Flash) What? (Ira) Hang on.
Hang on, everybody.
Everybody, just relax.
Relax.
I'm not done yet.
As with all things too good to be true, And there is a significant catch.
Who cares? It's $250,000.
Signify, baby.
Go ahead.
[sighs.]
They don't want the whole band.
What do you mean? They only want you.
(Johnny) Okay, screw that.
We're not doing that.
No way.
You tell them they take everybody or they don't take anyone, right, guys? - (both) Right.
- That's right.
We're a team.
(Flash) We create as a team.
And this particular team sticks together, right, guys? - Right.
- Absolutely.
They also want to hire Johnny and Flash to be Gigi's songwriters.
I mean, you know, "team" could be the wrong word.
Yeah, we're not the goddamn NBA here.
We don't have uniforms.
What are you talking about? This is family, guys.
That's what's most important.
They'll make a separate deal with Johnny and Flash, and you'll each get your own advance.
Although, you know, family really is about blood and cohabitation.
Yep, it really is.
What'd they say about me and Rehab? They said the drummer was too fat.
Told you to go on a diet.
And the bass player looked old enough to be Frank Zappa's father.
Ha-ha.
How's your face now? (Johnny) You know, you are looking pretty ancient, Rehab.
(Ira) So do you, John.
And they also want you to get a full makeover, head to toe New haircut, new threads, new image.
They start their PR machine, they don't want Gigi standing next to someone stuck in 1992.
Their words, not mine.
I'm sorry.
(Rehab) Guys, we're not actually gonna do this, right? (Ira) They're gonna bring in a famed pop producer named Amor to do the single.
And they want to shoot a video.
Now, I want to be clear here.
They want something commercial.
They're not gonna throw this kind of money around unless you're willing to sex it up and sell out a little.
(Bam) Sell out? Guys, we're not gonna sell out.
A little Just sell out a little.
That's what he said, okay? Let's all relax.
It's not our decision.
It's Gigi's decision, right? - It's Gigi's career.
- Yes, it is.
It's Gigi's image, honey.
So you shouldn't be thinking about what Ira wants you to do or what I want you to do.
You should be thinking about what you want to do.
And I know you probably need some time to make that decision, so Yes.
This is why I came here.
This is what I've wanted since I was five years old.
This has been my dream.
Amor is huge.
He secretly produced huge pop hits for J.
Lo and for Ariana Grande and Rihanna.
I'm sorry, you guys.
I really, really am.
But this could be my big break.
(Ira) Listen, I can get you guys some DJ gigs.
Steve the Monkey's got a ton of birthday parties coming up, and he's thinking of busting a few moves.
DJ gigs with monkeys.
Yeah, it falls under the beast-core umbrella and so Screw you, Ira.
You don't get to fire us, man.
'Cause we quit.
Wait.
Wait a minute, okay? No, we do not need you assholes.
We do.
We do need these No, beast-core does not have an umbrella, man.
Okay? And you don't know the first thing about it.
We invented it.
Time Out New York called us cutting-edge.
And we are not about to sell out like some pop-schlock pissants who are ready to suck some corporate cock.
- We are performance artists! - Yeah.
- We have integrity! - Yeah.
We have a beast-core manifesto! - We do? - Yeah, man, in the I showed you the notes What I showed you in my notebook.
That was more of a list, dude.
- Beast-core manifesto! - Manifesto.
Rule number three: we don't sell out! Come on, man.
Douchebags.
[door rattles.]
You know, my real family broke up three times 'cause of my three dads, and I thought this family would be together forever.
But I guess that's my fault for being a big, fat fool.
[door slams.]
[sighs.]
When do I get to give Johnny his makeover? - When do I meet Amor? - I need a copy of that song.
- I have it in the sound booth.
- You go get it.
Sony is not pinching pennies with us.
Look at this.
This is Lavandier cognac.
This is like $5,000 a bottle.
Yeah, well, you might want to swig some of that down because your face is gonna be pretty sore after these treatments.
Well, such is the price of fame.
What do you got lined up? Okay, we have a dermal ablation laser resurfacing, A micro-current under-peel, a liquid nitrous oxide injection, and some lipotripsy radial shocks.
Sounds like you're working on a car.
We are.
A 1992 Chevy Impala.
But by the time we get done with you, you are gonna be a shiny, new 2016 Ferrari.
Yes, I am.
Diggin' your demo, dog.
That shit is on fleek, yo.
(Amor) I'ma rework the beat, play with it, kick it up, add some swavy new lines and shit.
That's what I do, dog.
- [laughs.]
- That's cool.
"Swavy.
" I dig it, dog.
[chuckles.]
(Gigi) Who's directing the video? My nigrum B-lap.
He fleek too.
What's "B-lap" stand for? Bitches be lapping up his vids, yo.
He's done Rihanna, Timberlake.
Wow, that's pretty heavy company.
(Amor) Yo, Sony say you the next big thing, G.
Your star on fleek, like, what? (Amor) You stoked, dog? I'm fleeked.
I'm fleeking out.
- No, you're not.
- I thought I was.
I'm definitely stoked.
It's all good, B.
You get it.
[machines whirring.]
[squeaking and squishing.]
[low humming.]
[squishing and crackling.]
[whirring and humming.]
[squeaking and squishing.]
[squishing and crackling.]
- [whirring, crackling.]
- [squishing, humming.]
[no audible dialogue.]
[electric guitar strums.]
[upbeat rock music.]
(woman) Ah, ah-ah-ah Ah, ah-ah-ah These outfits aren't even outfits.
They're just like glorified lingerie.
Stoked, baby.
Gaga wears it all the time.
Yeah, but she's Gaga.
She's the queen of pop.
She can.
You about to knock her off that throne, Double G.
You know what I'm saying? (woman) Hey, hey Oh, my God.
(woman) Hey, hey, hey Are you happy with the new me you made? Oh, the new you is gonna get laid any time you want.
- [chuckling.]
- [moans.]
[Knock at door.]
(man) Is everything okay in there? Yeah, everything is so good.
Oh.
[moans.]
- Do you know what EDM stands for? - Yes, I do.
"Extremely douchey music.
" Not the way we're gonna do it.
We remix What's My Name? Look, we still use some of our animal sounds.
Only, we also use Gigi's vocal underneath from yesterday, which I recorded on my phone.
And we drive it with bass and drums and synth loops.
Yeah, it features a human voice.
But dig this: are we not animals? Animals who are stealing songs.
We helped them write that song.
Dude, creative control, that's the reason we started beast-core in the first place.
All right, technically, we are animals.
I'm barely evolved.
- I'm like a ape.
- Yeah.
I spend half my time drawing pictures of genitalia.
I'm a cheetah.
[both chuckle.]
Dude.
What? I'm I'm fast, dude.
I'm very fast on my feet.
Dude.
I'm very nimble.
You put a cheesecake on a stick, watch how fast I am.
You're not a cheetah.
You're like a panda.
I'm not a panda.
I've been a panda my whole life.
I'm a cheetah.
I'm a cheetah, or I'm out.
That's it.
Who's my cheesecake cheetah? Come on.
You're getting too excited.
[sighs.]
I'm sorry for yelling at you.
I know.
All right, so how do we make money off of this? Well, I think that we use some of the cache that we got from the first beast-core gig.
We use all those emails from those fashion types.
We invite a lot of downtown hipsters and stuff.
We do an EDM event.
We throw it here, redo the entire space inside.
You and me deejay.
I'm telling you, hot DJs make, like, major cabbage, bro.
I'm talking like 10 grand a day.
They see us.
They love us.
They give us gigs galore for 10 grand a day.
We can't deejay EDM gigs, okay? We're too old.
I got fired for being too fat.
You got fired for looking like Frank Zappa's grandfather.
His father.
Dude, his dad, please.
I'm sorry.
All right.
All right.
Anyway, I got that angle covered.
How old are the guys from Daft Punk? Nobody knows.
Exactly.
[chuckles.]
I got it.
[growling.]
'Cause we're beast-core.
[both snorting.]
Okay, this is what we're doing? Let me see.
[sighs.]
God.
Damn, girl, you the bomb.
A sex bomb.
[speaking foreign language.]
I feel like a whore.
A sexy whore.
Step off, Lady Gaga.
(man) Oh, oh-oh [rock music intensifies.]
Ah Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh-oh Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh-oh (Ava) Hi.
Ooh! (Johnny) What's going on? (Johnny) Oh, my God.
You look awesome.
(Gigi) Oh, my God.
You look handsome.
(Flash) They put you in a time machine? - Uh-huh.
- Yes, he did.
(Ava) Doesn't he look gorgeous? How long's that face gonna last? (Ava) For 48 hours.
He has to go back every three days.
You know, the record company's paying for it.
Who gives a shit, right? Hey, how'd it go with Amor? Dude's a trip.
But I guess he knows what he's doing.
You can't argue with success, right? - Right.
- Yeah.
(Gigi) And he's reworking the track.
And then I have to go in tomorrow and lay down the new vocal.
But I'm just praying that the songs are better than the clothes.
(Johnny) Well, but, honey, they did tell us we had to sex it up a little bit.
- I think the outfit's cute.
- Yeah.
Just don't forget I'm gonna be with her in the studio tomorrow, so you two have to take that dinner meeting with those Sony hotshots.
Oh, yes, at Craft.
I've always wanted to go there.
They serve a $7,000 bottle of wine.
Ooh, okay, come and look at what we got.
[sighs.]
Still happy we took the deal? My dick certainly is.
[glasses clink.]
[driving techno music.]
(Rehab) This shit is dope, dude.
(Bam Bam) Yeah, it's kind of cool, but my helmet's a little tight.
It's supposed to be tight.
It's NASCAR approved.
(Bam Bam) Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I don't know how I'm gonna eat in this thing.
The food is for the guests.
Speaking of which, I came up with my DJ name, bro.
- So did I.
- What is it? DJ Whale Earnhardt Jr.
Oh, my God, that's genius.
Helmet bump.
Ay-eeh.
Notice how I worked the beast-core angle in there.
Ah, that's sneaky.
Want to hear mine? DJ Mac and Cheese.
Helmet bump.
Dude What the hell? Again with the food? Come on, man, you got to work an animal in there.
Don't forget the beast-core manifesto.
You sold out to the highest bidder.
We didn't sell out, man! We're adapting.
Do not don't you dare close your visor on me.
Get, oh Hey, put your visor up.
Put that visor up.
Get back here.
Bam! Who's the panda now? [warbling electronic music.]
[music stops.]
You know what I'm saying? (Gigi) Yeah.
These new lyrics are really explicit.
(Flash) That's where the money is, baby.
Remember Gaga's tune LoveGame? Don't think too much, just bust that kick.
Want to take a ride on your disco stick.
(Amor) It's fleek, girl.
You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna sample some cannon sounds, blow it up mad real.
(Flash) These lyrics are gonna make this song commercial.
More people are gonna hear it, and we suck 'em in for the rest of the album.
That's what we're gonna do, right? Yeah, but the rest of the songs aren't gonna sound like this, right? (Amor) Yeah, but this track will knock 'em down.
Then the rest of your songs will knock 'em out, dead out.
Listen.
Listen.
[warbling electronic music.]
Boom! What? (Amor) Cannons! I'm taking PBS Civil War type shit, girl! Is that what we want? We want PBS type? (Amor) Bombs.
Ken Burns type bombs, baby! [soft warbling electronic music.]
[driving techno music.]
(Gigi) Baby, what's my name? (Gigi) Baby, what's my name? (Rehab) Stop staring.
You're just gonna frustrate yourself.
These are young models.
They see us take off these helmets, they see how old we are, they will run away.
I'm not staring, bro.
- I'm spank-banking.
- Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Oh, God.
I'm set for the rest of my life.
Spank-banks one and two are full.
I might have to delete my Michelle Rodriguez semi-lesbo spank-bank and replace it with this model-on-model holding area.
Boo! Hey, you want to spank-bank something? Spank on that.
What the hell's that? Young ad executive out there - Yeah? - Heard our track.
Loves it.
Wants to put it in a very cool perfume commercial this week for loads of cash.
I'm fine with that, brother.
- Really? - Yeah.
You don't feel like that's selling out in a majorly douchey way? Dude, look at all the spankings that this DJ gig's given us.
Oh, God, look at that dress It's like they painted it on.
Ha, I'm gonna lick it off like a cake.
Whoo! [indistinct chatter.]
(Ava) [whispers.]
Wow.
(Johnny) Wow, dig the spread, huh? Hey, that's Serbian pule, the most expensive cheese in the world.
Shows you how much they believe in the power of Gigi.
(Johnny) Oh, God, they got her looking like a hooker.
I know.
(woman) Would you like some "beluga stava"? (Ava) What's that? It's the finest Russian caviar combined with an essence of saffron on a bed of Serbian pule pillowed with gold flake from Peru.
Translation: 500 bucks a bite.
- (Ava) How does it smell? - (Johnny) [sniffs.]
Horrible.
But tomorrow morning, I'm gonna find out what it's like to take a $2,000 shit.
[both laugh.]
[cannon booms.]
[driving rock music.]
[Auto-Tuned.]
Baby what's my name? Baby what's my name? Turn you on (Gigi) Give you what you want She's frigging awesome, huh? It looks like soft-core porn.
Did you okay this crap? (Flash) It's not crap.
Gaga does this.
Baby Yeah, I'm your sex [cannon booms.]
Bomb Baby Yo, girl, that's dope, yo.
(Gigi) Yeah, but, Amor, I don't know how I'm going to do all these dance moves and sing live at the same time.
[laughing.]
That's funny, yo.
That's ha-larious.
(Gigi) Why is that high-larious? 'Cause you don't sing live, yo.
Nobody does, Double G.
(Amor) You lip-synch.
(Gigi) But what about the band? There is no band.
There's just you and 25 dancers lip-synching.
Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
My daughter doesn't lip-synch, okay? She has one of the greatest voices I've ever heard.
And I don't know what this auto-tune bullshit's for.
She's pitch-perfect.
You ain't got no more say, papi.
All right? It's down to me now.
And she don't sing.
She dance, yo.
Move to the groove, you know what I'm saying? You give people what they pay for, dog.
Let's run it again, yo.
[cannon booms.]
[driving rock music.]
[Auto-Tuned.]
Baby what's my name? Baby what's my name? Turn you on Mr.
Bon Jovi? Can I please have your autograph? (Gigi) 'Cause I'm a sex [cannon booms.]
Bomb - Baby - All right, that's it! That's it! Stop the music! Cut! Cut, cut, cut! This is the worst piece of shit I've ever heard in my life.
That's exactly why it's gonna huge hit.
You gotta give the audience what they dig, papi.
You call me papi one more time, I swear to God I'm gonna stuff your empty little head into one of those $1-million cheese wheels, okay, asshole? - Johnny, chill out, dog.
- (Johnny) Dog? Since when do you say "dog," all right? Let's go, honey.
Come on.
- Come on.
- Jeez, relax.
You people, you know, you think you can just buy us off with your big record advances and your limousines and your fancy cheeses and your $5,000 bottles of French cognac.
(Amor) Yeah.
Duh! I mean, that's how big record contracts work, brah.
Wait, what happened to your accent? (Amor) The accent isn't free, doll.
And neither is my artistic contribution, okay? (Johnny) Oh, your artistic contribution, which consists of close-up shots of my daughter's tits and ass and then these other four girls running around playing with themselves.
(Amor) You want the riches, you got to bring the bitches.
You know, that's my mantra.
Got a ring to it.
Yeah, you know what my mantra is? Go fuck yourself, okay? (Johnny) And you can take your fancy booze and your pretentious cheese, and you can stick 'em up your fake hip-hop ass.
[clattering.]
[woman screams.]
That's just inappropriate, man.
(Johnny) My daughter's soul is not up for sale, asshole.
Yeah, and neither is my dad's.
Let's blow this joint, papi.
[laughing.]
It's a wrap, ladies and gentlemen.
[grunts.]
Flash was all Gaga this and Gaga that.
He loved it when I looked like a whore.
So you know what I said to him? I said, "Why don't you just go find Gaga?" (Johnny) So Flash is in the doghouse.
- Yep.
- Oh.
I'm telling you, we did the right thing, okay? 'Cause if they sold you like J.
Lo, you'd have to be shaking your tits for the next 20 years.
Flash may have had his head up his ass, but I certainly didn't, thank God.
(Ava) Well, we all kind of got seduced by the pop music pot of gold.
- I know I did.
- I didn't.
- Oh, really? - Nope.
(Gigi) There's nothing that you're gonna miss? (Johnny) Well, I mean, I'll miss the Lavandier when I run out of it.
I'll miss the limos and the money and the sex.
I'm gonna miss it all.
But you know what? I don't regret telling those people to go to hell because you're gonna be around a lot longer than all of 'em, honey.
(Ava) Well, you know what, honey? You have a few more hours before your face falls, so [clicks tongue.]
Honey, I'm not Jon Bon Jovi.
- Uh-huh.
- And I never will be, okay? Dad, a Jon Bon Jovi blow job is still a blow job.
What did I tell you about saying that stuff like that? You said to not say it, but I did anyway.
Actually the Bon Jovi ones are way better than the regular ones.
Coming right in, hon.
I hate that I know what's happening right now.
No whiskey in your coffee? Must be something serious.
(Johnny) [groans.]
Why don't you blow me? - Why? 'Cause Ava isn't? - Oh, yeah.
She told Gigi that things have slowed down for you guys in the sack lately.
Look at me.
I'm your age.
And I got a 21-year-old girlfriend, right? - Look at you.
You look like shit.
- She's not your girlfriend.
You're a revenge fuck.
That's what you are, okay? She's just sleeping with you to get back at me.
Dude, your daughter's worried about you.
Your woman isn't interested in having sex with you.
Ava loves me.
That's a given, okay? She doesn't want to blow you.
So that's in danger of turning into a brother-sister kind of love.
I have a sister.
I don't find her attractive.
You know why? 'Cause she's my goddamn sister.
Get your shit together.
Take a good look in the mirror.
Actually, don't look in the mirror.
Why? It ain't that pretty, pal.
Hey, hon, how old do you think I look? [groans.]
I don't know.
How old do you want to look? [hard rock music.]
Sex and drugs and rock and roll All right All right 'Cause I don't want to die Anonymous No, no No, no No, no [rock music playing.]
Gonna make you shake - Ooh.
- Huh! (Gigi) Gonna make you move I don't hesitate - No - Huh.
Do what I want to do What's my name? Baby (both) Say my name Yow! [Ira clapping.]
(Ira) Fantastic.
I love it.
And it couldn't come at a better time, guys.
(Ava) What do you mean? (Ira) I have some potentially big and earth-shattering news.
I got an offer from Sony Music.
Get this.
They want to sign Gigi.
They think she's gonna be the next big thing, and the advance is $250,000.
(Flash) What? (Ira) Hang on.
Hang on, everybody.
Everybody, just relax.
Relax.
I'm not done yet.
As with all things too good to be true, And there is a significant catch.
Who cares? It's $250,000.
Signify, baby.
Go ahead.
[sighs.]
They don't want the whole band.
What do you mean? They only want you.
(Johnny) Okay, screw that.
We're not doing that.
No way.
You tell them they take everybody or they don't take anyone, right, guys? - (both) Right.
- That's right.
We're a team.
(Flash) We create as a team.
And this particular team sticks together, right, guys? - Right.
- Absolutely.
They also want to hire Johnny and Flash to be Gigi's songwriters.
I mean, you know, "team" could be the wrong word.
Yeah, we're not the goddamn NBA here.
We don't have uniforms.
What are you talking about? This is family, guys.
That's what's most important.
They'll make a separate deal with Johnny and Flash, and you'll each get your own advance.
Although, you know, family really is about blood and cohabitation.
Yep, it really is.
What'd they say about me and Rehab? They said the drummer was too fat.
Told you to go on a diet.
And the bass player looked old enough to be Frank Zappa's father.
Ha-ha.
How's your face now? (Johnny) You know, you are looking pretty ancient, Rehab.
(Ira) So do you, John.
And they also want you to get a full makeover, head to toe New haircut, new threads, new image.
They start their PR machine, they don't want Gigi standing next to someone stuck in 1992.
Their words, not mine.
I'm sorry.
(Rehab) Guys, we're not actually gonna do this, right? (Ira) They're gonna bring in a famed pop producer named Amor to do the single.
And they want to shoot a video.
Now, I want to be clear here.
They want something commercial.
They're not gonna throw this kind of money around unless you're willing to sex it up and sell out a little.
(Bam) Sell out? Guys, we're not gonna sell out.
A little Just sell out a little.
That's what he said, okay? Let's all relax.
It's not our decision.
It's Gigi's decision, right? - It's Gigi's career.
- Yes, it is.
It's Gigi's image, honey.
So you shouldn't be thinking about what Ira wants you to do or what I want you to do.
You should be thinking about what you want to do.
And I know you probably need some time to make that decision, so Yes.
This is why I came here.
This is what I've wanted since I was five years old.
This has been my dream.
Amor is huge.
He secretly produced huge pop hits for J.
Lo and for Ariana Grande and Rihanna.
I'm sorry, you guys.
I really, really am.
But this could be my big break.
(Ira) Listen, I can get you guys some DJ gigs.
Steve the Monkey's got a ton of birthday parties coming up, and he's thinking of busting a few moves.
DJ gigs with monkeys.
Yeah, it falls under the beast-core umbrella and so Screw you, Ira.
You don't get to fire us, man.
'Cause we quit.
Wait.
Wait a minute, okay? No, we do not need you assholes.
We do.
We do need these No, beast-core does not have an umbrella, man.
Okay? And you don't know the first thing about it.
We invented it.
Time Out New York called us cutting-edge.
And we are not about to sell out like some pop-schlock pissants who are ready to suck some corporate cock.
- We are performance artists! - Yeah.
- We have integrity! - Yeah.
We have a beast-core manifesto! - We do? - Yeah, man, in the I showed you the notes What I showed you in my notebook.
That was more of a list, dude.
- Beast-core manifesto! - Manifesto.
Rule number three: we don't sell out! Come on, man.
Douchebags.
[door rattles.]
You know, my real family broke up three times 'cause of my three dads, and I thought this family would be together forever.
But I guess that's my fault for being a big, fat fool.
[door slams.]
[sighs.]
When do I get to give Johnny his makeover? - When do I meet Amor? - I need a copy of that song.
- I have it in the sound booth.
- You go get it.
Sony is not pinching pennies with us.
Look at this.
This is Lavandier cognac.
This is like $5,000 a bottle.
Yeah, well, you might want to swig some of that down because your face is gonna be pretty sore after these treatments.
Well, such is the price of fame.
What do you got lined up? Okay, we have a dermal ablation laser resurfacing, A micro-current under-peel, a liquid nitrous oxide injection, and some lipotripsy radial shocks.
Sounds like you're working on a car.
We are.
A 1992 Chevy Impala.
But by the time we get done with you, you are gonna be a shiny, new 2016 Ferrari.
Yes, I am.
Diggin' your demo, dog.
That shit is on fleek, yo.
(Amor) I'ma rework the beat, play with it, kick it up, add some swavy new lines and shit.
That's what I do, dog.
- [laughs.]
- That's cool.
"Swavy.
" I dig it, dog.
[chuckles.]
(Gigi) Who's directing the video? My nigrum B-lap.
He fleek too.
What's "B-lap" stand for? Bitches be lapping up his vids, yo.
He's done Rihanna, Timberlake.
Wow, that's pretty heavy company.
(Amor) Yo, Sony say you the next big thing, G.
Your star on fleek, like, what? (Amor) You stoked, dog? I'm fleeked.
I'm fleeking out.
- No, you're not.
- I thought I was.
I'm definitely stoked.
It's all good, B.
You get it.
[machines whirring.]
[squeaking and squishing.]
[low humming.]
[squishing and crackling.]
[whirring and humming.]
[squeaking and squishing.]
[squishing and crackling.]
- [whirring, crackling.]
- [squishing, humming.]
[no audible dialogue.]
[electric guitar strums.]
[upbeat rock music.]
(woman) Ah, ah-ah-ah Ah, ah-ah-ah These outfits aren't even outfits.
They're just like glorified lingerie.
Stoked, baby.
Gaga wears it all the time.
Yeah, but she's Gaga.
She's the queen of pop.
She can.
You about to knock her off that throne, Double G.
You know what I'm saying? (woman) Hey, hey Oh, my God.
(woman) Hey, hey, hey Are you happy with the new me you made? Oh, the new you is gonna get laid any time you want.
- [chuckling.]
- [moans.]
[Knock at door.]
(man) Is everything okay in there? Yeah, everything is so good.
Oh.
[moans.]
- Do you know what EDM stands for? - Yes, I do.
"Extremely douchey music.
" Not the way we're gonna do it.
We remix What's My Name? Look, we still use some of our animal sounds.
Only, we also use Gigi's vocal underneath from yesterday, which I recorded on my phone.
And we drive it with bass and drums and synth loops.
Yeah, it features a human voice.
But dig this: are we not animals? Animals who are stealing songs.
We helped them write that song.
Dude, creative control, that's the reason we started beast-core in the first place.
All right, technically, we are animals.
I'm barely evolved.
- I'm like a ape.
- Yeah.
I spend half my time drawing pictures of genitalia.
I'm a cheetah.
[both chuckle.]
Dude.
What? I'm I'm fast, dude.
I'm very fast on my feet.
Dude.
I'm very nimble.
You put a cheesecake on a stick, watch how fast I am.
You're not a cheetah.
You're like a panda.
I'm not a panda.
I've been a panda my whole life.
I'm a cheetah.
I'm a cheetah, or I'm out.
That's it.
Who's my cheesecake cheetah? Come on.
You're getting too excited.
[sighs.]
I'm sorry for yelling at you.
I know.
All right, so how do we make money off of this? Well, I think that we use some of the cache that we got from the first beast-core gig.
We use all those emails from those fashion types.
We invite a lot of downtown hipsters and stuff.
We do an EDM event.
We throw it here, redo the entire space inside.
You and me deejay.
I'm telling you, hot DJs make, like, major cabbage, bro.
I'm talking like 10 grand a day.
They see us.
They love us.
They give us gigs galore for 10 grand a day.
We can't deejay EDM gigs, okay? We're too old.
I got fired for being too fat.
You got fired for looking like Frank Zappa's grandfather.
His father.
Dude, his dad, please.
I'm sorry.
All right.
All right.
Anyway, I got that angle covered.
How old are the guys from Daft Punk? Nobody knows.
Exactly.
[chuckles.]
I got it.
[growling.]
'Cause we're beast-core.
[both snorting.]
Okay, this is what we're doing? Let me see.
[sighs.]
God.
Damn, girl, you the bomb.
A sex bomb.
[speaking foreign language.]
I feel like a whore.
A sexy whore.
Step off, Lady Gaga.
(man) Oh, oh-oh [rock music intensifies.]
Ah Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh-oh Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh-oh (Ava) Hi.
Ooh! (Johnny) What's going on? (Johnny) Oh, my God.
You look awesome.
(Gigi) Oh, my God.
You look handsome.
(Flash) They put you in a time machine? - Uh-huh.
- Yes, he did.
(Ava) Doesn't he look gorgeous? How long's that face gonna last? (Ava) For 48 hours.
He has to go back every three days.
You know, the record company's paying for it.
Who gives a shit, right? Hey, how'd it go with Amor? Dude's a trip.
But I guess he knows what he's doing.
You can't argue with success, right? - Right.
- Yeah.
(Gigi) And he's reworking the track.
And then I have to go in tomorrow and lay down the new vocal.
But I'm just praying that the songs are better than the clothes.
(Johnny) Well, but, honey, they did tell us we had to sex it up a little bit.
- I think the outfit's cute.
- Yeah.
Just don't forget I'm gonna be with her in the studio tomorrow, so you two have to take that dinner meeting with those Sony hotshots.
Oh, yes, at Craft.
I've always wanted to go there.
They serve a $7,000 bottle of wine.
Ooh, okay, come and look at what we got.
[sighs.]
Still happy we took the deal? My dick certainly is.
[glasses clink.]
[driving techno music.]
(Rehab) This shit is dope, dude.
(Bam Bam) Yeah, it's kind of cool, but my helmet's a little tight.
It's supposed to be tight.
It's NASCAR approved.
(Bam Bam) Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I don't know how I'm gonna eat in this thing.
The food is for the guests.
Speaking of which, I came up with my DJ name, bro.
- So did I.
- What is it? DJ Whale Earnhardt Jr.
Oh, my God, that's genius.
Helmet bump.
Ay-eeh.
Notice how I worked the beast-core angle in there.
Ah, that's sneaky.
Want to hear mine? DJ Mac and Cheese.
Helmet bump.
Dude What the hell? Again with the food? Come on, man, you got to work an animal in there.
Don't forget the beast-core manifesto.
You sold out to the highest bidder.
We didn't sell out, man! We're adapting.
Do not don't you dare close your visor on me.
Get, oh Hey, put your visor up.
Put that visor up.
Get back here.
Bam! Who's the panda now? [warbling electronic music.]
[music stops.]
You know what I'm saying? (Gigi) Yeah.
These new lyrics are really explicit.
(Flash) That's where the money is, baby.
Remember Gaga's tune LoveGame? Don't think too much, just bust that kick.
Want to take a ride on your disco stick.
(Amor) It's fleek, girl.
You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna sample some cannon sounds, blow it up mad real.
(Flash) These lyrics are gonna make this song commercial.
More people are gonna hear it, and we suck 'em in for the rest of the album.
That's what we're gonna do, right? Yeah, but the rest of the songs aren't gonna sound like this, right? (Amor) Yeah, but this track will knock 'em down.
Then the rest of your songs will knock 'em out, dead out.
Listen.
Listen.
[warbling electronic music.]
Boom! What? (Amor) Cannons! I'm taking PBS Civil War type shit, girl! Is that what we want? We want PBS type? (Amor) Bombs.
Ken Burns type bombs, baby! [soft warbling electronic music.]
[driving techno music.]
(Gigi) Baby, what's my name? (Gigi) Baby, what's my name? (Rehab) Stop staring.
You're just gonna frustrate yourself.
These are young models.
They see us take off these helmets, they see how old we are, they will run away.
I'm not staring, bro.
- I'm spank-banking.
- Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Oh, God.
I'm set for the rest of my life.
Spank-banks one and two are full.
I might have to delete my Michelle Rodriguez semi-lesbo spank-bank and replace it with this model-on-model holding area.
Boo! Hey, you want to spank-bank something? Spank on that.
What the hell's that? Young ad executive out there - Yeah? - Heard our track.
Loves it.
Wants to put it in a very cool perfume commercial this week for loads of cash.
I'm fine with that, brother.
- Really? - Yeah.
You don't feel like that's selling out in a majorly douchey way? Dude, look at all the spankings that this DJ gig's given us.
Oh, God, look at that dress It's like they painted it on.
Ha, I'm gonna lick it off like a cake.
Whoo! [indistinct chatter.]
(Ava) [whispers.]
Wow.
(Johnny) Wow, dig the spread, huh? Hey, that's Serbian pule, the most expensive cheese in the world.
Shows you how much they believe in the power of Gigi.
(Johnny) Oh, God, they got her looking like a hooker.
I know.
(woman) Would you like some "beluga stava"? (Ava) What's that? It's the finest Russian caviar combined with an essence of saffron on a bed of Serbian pule pillowed with gold flake from Peru.
Translation: 500 bucks a bite.
- (Ava) How does it smell? - (Johnny) [sniffs.]
Horrible.
But tomorrow morning, I'm gonna find out what it's like to take a $2,000 shit.
[both laugh.]
[cannon booms.]
[driving rock music.]
[Auto-Tuned.]
Baby what's my name? Baby what's my name? Turn you on (Gigi) Give you what you want She's frigging awesome, huh? It looks like soft-core porn.
Did you okay this crap? (Flash) It's not crap.
Gaga does this.
Baby Yeah, I'm your sex [cannon booms.]
Bomb Baby Yo, girl, that's dope, yo.
(Gigi) Yeah, but, Amor, I don't know how I'm going to do all these dance moves and sing live at the same time.
[laughing.]
That's funny, yo.
That's ha-larious.
(Gigi) Why is that high-larious? 'Cause you don't sing live, yo.
Nobody does, Double G.
(Amor) You lip-synch.
(Gigi) But what about the band? There is no band.
There's just you and 25 dancers lip-synching.
Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
My daughter doesn't lip-synch, okay? She has one of the greatest voices I've ever heard.
And I don't know what this auto-tune bullshit's for.
She's pitch-perfect.
You ain't got no more say, papi.
All right? It's down to me now.
And she don't sing.
She dance, yo.
Move to the groove, you know what I'm saying? You give people what they pay for, dog.
Let's run it again, yo.
[cannon booms.]
[driving rock music.]
[Auto-Tuned.]
Baby what's my name? Baby what's my name? Turn you on Mr.
Bon Jovi? Can I please have your autograph? (Gigi) 'Cause I'm a sex [cannon booms.]
Bomb - Baby - All right, that's it! That's it! Stop the music! Cut! Cut, cut, cut! This is the worst piece of shit I've ever heard in my life.
That's exactly why it's gonna huge hit.
You gotta give the audience what they dig, papi.
You call me papi one more time, I swear to God I'm gonna stuff your empty little head into one of those $1-million cheese wheels, okay, asshole? - Johnny, chill out, dog.
- (Johnny) Dog? Since when do you say "dog," all right? Let's go, honey.
Come on.
- Come on.
- Jeez, relax.
You people, you know, you think you can just buy us off with your big record advances and your limousines and your fancy cheeses and your $5,000 bottles of French cognac.
(Amor) Yeah.
Duh! I mean, that's how big record contracts work, brah.
Wait, what happened to your accent? (Amor) The accent isn't free, doll.
And neither is my artistic contribution, okay? (Johnny) Oh, your artistic contribution, which consists of close-up shots of my daughter's tits and ass and then these other four girls running around playing with themselves.
(Amor) You want the riches, you got to bring the bitches.
You know, that's my mantra.
Got a ring to it.
Yeah, you know what my mantra is? Go fuck yourself, okay? (Johnny) And you can take your fancy booze and your pretentious cheese, and you can stick 'em up your fake hip-hop ass.
[clattering.]
[woman screams.]
That's just inappropriate, man.
(Johnny) My daughter's soul is not up for sale, asshole.
Yeah, and neither is my dad's.
Let's blow this joint, papi.
[laughing.]
It's a wrap, ladies and gentlemen.
[grunts.]
Flash was all Gaga this and Gaga that.
He loved it when I looked like a whore.
So you know what I said to him? I said, "Why don't you just go find Gaga?" (Johnny) So Flash is in the doghouse.
- Yep.
- Oh.
I'm telling you, we did the right thing, okay? 'Cause if they sold you like J.
Lo, you'd have to be shaking your tits for the next 20 years.
Flash may have had his head up his ass, but I certainly didn't, thank God.
(Ava) Well, we all kind of got seduced by the pop music pot of gold.
- I know I did.
- I didn't.
- Oh, really? - Nope.
(Gigi) There's nothing that you're gonna miss? (Johnny) Well, I mean, I'll miss the Lavandier when I run out of it.
I'll miss the limos and the money and the sex.
I'm gonna miss it all.
But you know what? I don't regret telling those people to go to hell because you're gonna be around a lot longer than all of 'em, honey.
(Ava) Well, you know what, honey? You have a few more hours before your face falls, so [clicks tongue.]
Honey, I'm not Jon Bon Jovi.
- Uh-huh.
- And I never will be, okay? Dad, a Jon Bon Jovi blow job is still a blow job.
What did I tell you about saying that stuff like that? You said to not say it, but I did anyway.
Actually the Bon Jovi ones are way better than the regular ones.
Coming right in, hon.
I hate that I know what's happening right now.