Sex and the City s01e09 Episode Script

In a city of perf ect people no one was more perf ect than Brooke.
She was an interior designer who only dated A-list guys.
For Brooke, every Saturday night was like the senior prom.
So, when she got married we were all dying to see which one had made the cut.
Was I the only one who remembered that Brooke once described this man as more boring than exposed brick? It was your average $100,000 wedding.
Investment bankers and the women who hate them classmates from Steiner, Dalton and Brown and us.
We looked like The Witches of Eastwick.
A wedding this size always has two singles tables.
We were at the other one.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Bernie Turtletaub, friend of the groom.
It was the Turtle.
A Manhattan legend known f or two things: good investments and bad breath.
My f eet are killing me.
- Sit down.
- I can't.
This outfit works if I stand.
I think it works either way.
You know, I think I'm at that table over there.
Your friend is gorgeous.
What do I have to do to get to know her better? Do you think the pears in this tart are bosc or bartlett? Who cares? Two hours later, we were bored.
Supplies were dwindling and one of our passengers had jumped ship.
Are we gonna stick around and catch the bouquet? That is so not going to happen.
Bosc! They've got to be bosc.
Can you believe I finally did it? You're next.
Bill's got some great single friends.
It's always better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them.
People are always telling me things I don't want to hear.
But this one crossed the line.
Did I wake you? - Not at all.
- Question.
Why do people get married if they're not in love? I don't know.
Companionship, guilt, political asylum? - Why did you get married? - I was a f ool in love.
That is so sweet.
-And then I was a f ool in divorce court.
-Now you're just a f ool.
Exactly.
Which is why I'm never getting married again.
Suddenly, I had to concentrate on breathing.
- Are you in bed with someone? - No.
Are you? Just three slices of wedding cake.
You jealous? That depends.
What are your plans f or the frosting? - Good night.
- Good night.
I hung up the phone wondering could I date a man who would never get married? Wow! A guy who doesn't want to get married! Film at 11:00! Don't tell me you're surprised by this.
You know who wants to get married? Men who miss their mommies.
Maybe this wasn't my target audience.
Am I the only one who thinks this is a major bummer? What if you spend five years with him and in the end you have nothing? I wasn't thinking about it until he said I couldn't.
Now it's all I think about.
Just be cool.
You don't care.
Then he'll wonder why you don't which will make him realize he does, and then it's a whole new ball game.
So in your world, it's always sixth grade.
A relationship has to be based on honesty and communication to succeed.
Okay.
If you were 25, that would be adorable but you're 32 now, so that's just stupid.
- I can't just ignore it, can l? - Yes.
No! What's the big deal? ln 50 years, men are gonna be obsolete anyway.
Already you can't talk to them, you don't need them to have kids with you don't even need them to have sex with anymore as I've just very pleasantly discovered.
Uh-oh.
Sounds like somebody just got their first vibrator.
Not first.
Ultimate.
And I think I'm in love.
Oh, please, stop! This is so sad.
I'm not gonna replace a man with some battery-operated device.
You say that, but you haven't met "The Rabbit.
" If you're gonna get a vibrator, at least get one called "The Horse.
" A vibrator does not call you on your birthday, send flowers the next day and you cannot take a vibrator home to meet your mother.
I know where my next orgasm is coming from.
Who here can say as much? That night, Samantha went on a date with a flesh and blood man while the three of us went in search of furrier companionship.
Ladies, I'd like you to meet the Rabbit.
$92? Please! Think about the money we spend on shoes.
I have no intention of using that.
I'm saving sex f or someone I love.
Fantastic.
Is there a man in the picture? Look! Oh, it's so cute.
I thought it would be all scary and weird, but it isn't.
It's pink! For girls! Look.
The little bunny has a little f ace like Peter Rabbit.
It's even got a remote.
How lazy do you have to be? Later that night, back at the brier patch-- Hello? You are not going to believe the evening I've had.
- Are you listening to me? - Yeah.
Jerry, who Samantha met at Brooke's wedding took her to Lava, New York's restaurant du jour.
From the moment I saw you at that wedding, I knew we'd have dinner.
Aren't you cocky! I'm the kind of guy, I see something I like it, I go after it.
You sound like my kind of guy.
Hold that thought.
I'll be right back.
Ten minutes and a couple of cocktails later-- Where the hell is he? He obviously had seen something else he liked and gone after it.
Then, just when she thought her evening couldn't get any worse-- Samantha? Hey, Samantha! It's me.
Bernie Turtletaub from the wedding.
Oh, right.
Are you here all by yourself? Sort of.
I'm-- Sit down, join me! You look great.
What Samantha needed now more than anything was a compliment from anyone.
I can't believe the synchronicity.
I was just thinking about you! So, do you like this shirt? My ex-girlfriend picked it out f or me.
Honey, no off ense, but your breath-- I know.
It's these Chinese herbs I'm taking.
You know, f or longer lif e.
With breath like that, you're gonna live a very long lif e alone.
I killed the last woman who talked to me like that.
Samantha was impressed.
The Turtle had attempted a joke.
Once we get the breath under control, we're shopping f or a new wardrobe.
He's a cute little fixer-upper.
Sweetheart, he's a man, not a brownstone.
When I'm through with him, he'll be Gracie Mansion.
Samantha and the Turtle? But then again, I'm dating a man who will never get married and Miranda is having a meaningful relationship with something from a box.
In a city of great expectations, is it time to settle f or what you can get? I needed some answers.
Later that week, I met Brooke.
Just back from her honeymoon, she was all business: the business of marriage.
I'd like to return these.
Can you melt them down into one decent gift? His friends.
So, how is it being married? It's f abulous.
I f eel like an enormous weight has been lifted.
- And that's a good thing.
- What's that supposed to mean? It just means you're happy with Allen, right? Yes, I'm happy.
Then I'm happy f or you.
Listen, I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea.
I think Allen's great.
He's incredibly successful.
We think we're Carolyn Bessette.
One day John-John's out of the picture and we're happy just to have some guy who can throw around a frisbee.
- Look who's here.
Hey, you two! - What a small world! I couldn't believe it.
It was the Turtle wearing Helmut Lange.
- Wow, he looks great! - Doesn't he? He twirls! - What do you think? - Fabulous.
He's like a whole new person.
Don't I have a 3:00? That's right.
I'm taking him to Bliss f or a f acial.
See you later.
Bye.
I have to run, too.
I'll call you.
Smart girl.
She seems happy.
Samantha left with the Turtle, Brooke left with a better gift and I left wondering if everyone in Manhattan was settling.
My Zen teacher told me that there was nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind.
Just as I had reached the moment of no thought-- - I think I broke my vagina.
- Sorry.
Am I pulling too hard? Metaphorically, I mean.
With the Rabbit.
- So you've been using it! - Yes.
I'm scared if I keep using it, I won't be able to enjoy sex with a man again.
Why? Have you ever been with a man and he's doing everything and it f eels good but somehow you just can't manage to-- Come? Yeah.
Well, it's weird, 'cause with the Rabbit it's like every time, boom! And one time, I came f or like five minutes.
It's not illegal.
Yeah, but no man ever did that.
I'm scared.
What am I gonna do? You could still enjoy sex with a man and the Rabbit.
No, no.
I'm done with it.
That's it.
I'm never going to touch that thing again.
- I got to cancel on the ballet tonight.
- Why? I'm expecting a phone call Iong distance phone call, transatlantic.
Charlotte could never tell a decent lie.
I knew an addict when I saw one.
I love Sleeping Beauty! The music, the sex, the costumes! It's so romantic! You like it because she gets to sleep f or 100 years, and doesn't age.
I invited Stanf ord to the ballet.
I knew he was available.
Stanf ord, cute, huh? I've had it with the whole gay scene.
It's so competitive.
You won't believe what happened to me last week.
Evidently Stanf ord, tired of bars and blind dates decided to place a personal ad.
He scheduled a rendezvous with the only respondent on a cold, Sunday afternoon.
Twenty minutes and three f alse alarms later, he was ready to call it quits.
Stanf ord? Yes.
Sorry.
This is not gonna happen.
It's so brutal out there.
Even guys like me don't want guys like me.
I just don't have that gay look.
I don't know.
You look pretty gay to me.
Come on, maybe it's just a phase.
Puberty is a phase.
Fifteen years of rejection is a lif estyle.
Sometimes I think I should just marry a woman and get all the money.
- What is there, a cash prize? - Yeah.
My grandmother gives everyone their inheritance when they get married.
- She doesn't know you're gay? - She doesn't believe in gay.
Really? That's funny.
Big doesn't believe in marriage.
Maybe you should propose to me, and we'll all live happily ever after.
-You really do want it all.
-I don't know.
Maybe nobody gets it all.
Though, you do have a point.
We're best friends.
We make each other laugh.
We both sleep with men.
This is not a bad idea at all.
- Actually, I was kidding.
- I'm not! Think about it.
Who else would keep you in expensive shoes and encourage you to cheat? Now you're talking! Friday night with a man who shared my passion f or hot men in tights.
Saturday afternoon in bed with a man who shared my passion f or passion.
Maybe there was such a thing as having it all.
What's that smile about? Oh, I got a marriage proposal last night.
Really? From whom? A very handsome, witty young man about to come into his inheritance.
Oh, I see.
Anyone I know? Actually his name is Stanf ord.
Stanf ord Blatch.
I thought he was gay.
He is.
That should make f or an interesting column.
What are you gonna do about sex? I have you.
I guess you've got it all figured out Mrs.
Blatch.
The more he mocked me, the more I became convinced that this idea was genius.
That night, Miranda and I had plans to join Charlotte f or a gallery opening in Chelsea when-- - Hello? - Carrie, it's Charlotte.
I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel.
I'm totally wiped out.
Wiped out! That was Charlotte speak f or "I'm spending the night with my vibrator.
" But you guys have fun, though.
There was only one thing to do.
A rabbit intervention.
Come on, let's go! - Okay, where is it? - What are you talking about? The Rabbit.
Give us the Rabbit.
Hey, it's a vibrator.
It's not like it's crack.
You hid the Rabbit behind a stuff ed rabbit? That is so you.
You have a lot of nerve coming in here.
You're the one who made me get it.
I thought you could handle it.
No big deal.
I'd rather stay home with the Rabbit than go out, deal with men.
All right.
You're right.
I'll go get dressed.
With a little help from her friends, Charlotte decided that she wasn't going to settle f or herself.
While Samantha was doing everything in her power to remake the Turtle into a man she could f all in love with.
- How's your dinner? - It's questionable.
I can't figure out whether the mushrooms are shitake or chantrelle.
They're definitely not porcini.
Maybe they're wood ear.
Maybe it doesn't matter.
My God! They're trompettes! It was then that Samantha realized that even with all her eff ort he was still just the Turtle in black.
You know, I'm not f eeling very well.
I think I'm going to have to send myself home.
I'll call you.
Excuse me.
Do you like this shirt? My ex-girlfriend picked it out.
After 12 phone calls and three e-mails Stanf ord badgered me into at least meeting his grandmother.
I love that suit you're wearing.
Designed by Coco Chanel herself.
- Seriously? - Grandmother's worn that f or 40 years.
And it still fits.
- It never goes out of style.
- Never.
I have it in blue, black, pink.
And eggshell! Exactly.
Stanf ord tells me you're a writer.
Yes, I have a column in The Star.
I was a career woman many, many years ago.
But I gave it up to have children.
Oh, wow! ls this you? Not a bad-looking girl.
Don't you think? Doesn't she look exactly like Deborah Kerr in An Aff air to Remember? She does.
Oh, my God! This has to be Stanf ord.
- You're the same person.
- That's enough.
Come on.
This is fun.
I had no idea you had such a big f amily.
How about you, honey? Do you want a f amily? As I looked around at all the memorabilia and f amily photographs the f aces of brides and grooms, children and grandchildren I realized-- Yes, I do.
Stanny, be a dear.
Go in the kitchen and get me some matches.
Of course.
I love my Stanf ord.
He's a very sweet boy.
But you know, he is a fruit.
I realized then that the only inheritance Stanf ord was going to get was her collection of Chanel suits.
Salt.
Yeah.
That night at dinner, I knew I would have to break the news to Mr.
Big.
What do you think? I do want to get married someday.
Maybe not today.
But I can't date somebody that won't.
What's the point? Definitely too much salt.
I mean, it's all in the timing.
You gotta brown the garlic bef ore you put in the onions, know what I mean? I thought we were having fun.
It's bitter, but it definitely has possibilities.
You have a little bit of sauce on the lip right there.
My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future.
Of course, he died penniless and single.