Shifting Gears (2025) s01e09 Episode Script
Gummies
1
Damn. This is one sexy automobile.
If Margot Robbie were a car,
she'd be a 1968 Pontiac Firebird.
Paint looks great.
Boy, I'll tell you what,
we got modified suspension,
all-disc brakes, a straight-six
modified overhead cam
Oh, yeah, keep talking, baby.
Y'all need girlfriends.
No, no, no, don't touch it.
You know, Mr. Jay Leno, very
picky about his paint jobs.
[IMITATING JAY LENO]
"That's right. Wait.
Did one of your grease
monkeys touch my car?"
Dude, that's your Leno? You
sound like Tickle Me Elmo.
[IMITATING JAY LENO] You guys are
crazy. It sounds just like Leno.
Drop the mic. Come on, let's
do some gags, little bits.
There's the man I'm looking for.
Did anyone ever call you Matty?
Never more than once.
Are you familiar with the North
Hollywood Improvement Association?
Oh, I love NoHo Imp Ass.
Anyway, we're fixing up that
janky park down the street.
I was hoping you'd join
the other local businesses
in donating an item for our auction.
- Hmm
- It'd be great PR for the shop.
You know, much like your
biblical namesake, Eve,
I think you're trying to tempt me.
But unlike Adam, I'm not
gonna bite on your apple.
Come on, why won't you help us out?
This is a fundraiser for a good cause.
Just donate something small,
like a tire change or your heart.
We're a restoration shop.
We don't do tire changes, and
I have no heart. Bye-bye, Eve.
Hey, Matt. Come on,
man. Parks are important.
Plus, the world could use some
generosity from white guys with money.
Especially since you
took Snoop Dogg from us.
I have very generous
heart. I'm a generous man.
I'm letting two of my employees
stand around here doing nothing
with their thumbs in their butts.
For the record, my thumb
was nowhere near my butt.
You're cute.
I have a few friends that you could
make really happy for, like, a week.
Thank you.
So, you like parks?
I love parks. Spent my
whole childhood in 'em.
I crashed so many quinceañeras.
Them piñatas didn't stand a chance.
Love it. So what are you donating?
We could make one of
those charity calendars.
You know, the hot mechanics
of Parker Restoration.
I was thinking more along
the lines of a tune-up.
Like a sexy tune-up?
Stitch.
[BEATBOXES]
Oh, my God, Wendy is going to love you.
What about you? I bet you're
incredibly talented at something.
I do a little DJing,
mainly for my friends,
but I did one slamming bat mitzvah.
Challah bread!
Perfect. I'll put you
down for a four-hour event.
Gabe, unlimited auto care for a year.
- Dancing optional.
- Oh, there will be dancing.
- Stitch.
- [BEATBOXES]
I'll text you Wendy's number.
Uh, Mom, is it okay if
I have some friends over
after school to play some video games?
"Friends"? Oh, that's nice.
Did you hire them?
No, she didn't hire them.
You didn't, right?
You think I can afford friends
for you? I can't afford new bras.
So, who are they?
Just a couple guys. I call them
my crew. They call me C-Dog.
I'm not sure what the
C stands for, but
Duh! "Chill dude." I
mean, it makes sense.
- This is hard to watch.
- Yeah, I'll say.
So, what's their angle, Carter?
They don't have an angle.
They want to hang out with him.
I don't buy it. No offense.
I don't know if I want
strange kids coming over here.
God knows what they're bringing in.
Drugs, weapons, crackers made
of seaweed, who knows what.
He needs to make friends here.
Just let me take the lead.
This is a job for cool mom,
not "get off my lawn" grandpa.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Eve, what's up? Hey,
how's the auction going?
How many bids you got
for DJ Slow Your Roll?
[IMITATES AIR HORN]
None.
[IMITATES AIR HORN]
Don't worry, guys. It's early.
Bidding is just getting started.
The wellness center's already
got 14 bids on a colonic.
So, instead of, you
know, hearing you DJ,
people would rather have
water pumped up their
Which is hurtful.
So, you know I'm
gonna go back to work.
You know what? I bet people
would spend a lot of money
for a spin in one of these cool cars.
Yeah, they would. And
then they'd find our bodies
in the trunk if Matt ever found out.
Right, I get it. You're daddy's boy.
And you're a bad boy who
plays by his own rules
and doesn't care what the boss man
thinks and does whatever he wants.
I know what you're doing.
And it's working.
You know, we're taking
this '66 Shelby Mustang
out for a test drive next week.
It couldn't hurt if someone
happened to be in the back seat.
I'll be back to take a
picture for the website.
Eve, you want a video for my item?
[BEATBOXES] Watch this.
No, but I am donating
five dance lessons.
You might want to bid on those.
All right, have fun on your sleepover.
Be sure to thank Sophie's mother.
Don't worry, moms love me.
I compliment their hair, say
they got good taste in music.
I make 'em feel young.
Oh, hey. Uh, this is Ethan and Kyle.
See? They're real.
Nice to meet your two
followers on Instagram.
Ah, good one. How's the
8:30 bedtime treating you?
Well, well, well. Looks
like the Girl Scouts
got through the sprinklers. [CHUCKLES]
Your dad's like a thousand.
That's my grandpa, and yeah.
We're gonna go play Call of Duty.
I gotta check these backpacks
out first, and after that,
put your hands against the
wall for a little pat down.
Condoms?
[CHUCKLES] You're
never gonna need these.
It's aspirational.
Okay, strip search is over.
Have fun, boys. I'll
bring you some snacks.
I don't know what you're worried
about. God, did you see those boys?
They're just sweet,
nerdy, totally harmless
[GASPS]
Pot gummies?
I'm gonna kill those bastards.
Listen, if you need a confession,
we can use a car battery,
copper wire and a little jigsaw.
Are you two derelicts
giving my son marijuana?
Mom, please.
Are you here to get high?
You know you're too
young for these, right?
You're lucky I don't turn
you in to the authorities.
Dude, your mom's kinda a narc.
A narc? For your information, I
was the coolest kid at your school.
Okay, Grandma.
Shut up, Ethan. I'm way younger than
your mom, and your dad hits on me.
Now, tell me, which one
of you brought these?
Carter? Where did you get them?
They fell out of your pocket.
So, these are mine?
Are you, like, a weed dealer?
Oh, God. I'm gonna go to jail.
She's hot when she's mad.
Inappropriate, Kyle, and thank you.
Mom, we weren't gonna do them.
We were just gonna play video
games. I mean, they didn't even know.
Not cool holding out on us.
Let's step, bro.
Mom, don't freak out. I just
found them a couple of days ago.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was thinking of trying
one, but I haven't.
And you never will.
I need to think of a suitable
punishment. Until then, you're grounded.
Fine, I might as well
never leave this house
since I don't have any friends.
[CARTER SIGHS]
You know, women's prisons
are pretty nice these days.
Coffee klatchers,
assemble. It's an emergency.
Don't freak out. The three
of us will raise it together.
What? No, I'm not pregnant. God.
There's something I
need to discuss softly
so my dad doesn't give
me a parenting lecture.
Scones too? Ooh, I know
this gonna be juicy.
It's Carter. I caught
him with pot gummies.
If you're talking about Carter
eating those gummies, if you ask me
- I didn't.
- If you had
I hadn't.
I would say, let him take the gummies.
[ALL] What?
Wait. [CLEARS THROAT] Did you
just say, "Give him a gummy"?
Matt wants someone to get high?
Am I high?
I'm high, and this is still weird to me.
You are seriously suggesting
I give my son weed?
He said he wanted to experiment, right?
You can't stop him from doing that.
You did drugs just to piss
off your mom and I, right?
- And look how that turned out.
- This is what I'm saying.
So let him do it, but do
it with him. Teach him.
Scare him straight.
Wow, I cannot believe you are
encouraging me to be cool about weed.
Why is that such a surprise to you?
Have you met you?
When I was young, I did doobies.
Okay, Cheech.
It wasn't for us. It was
for Deadheads and Democrats.
We didn't do the pot thing.
Pot was just my gateway to
the real devil stuff, booze.
[IMITATES BOTTLE TOP POPPING]
You know, Matt is
driving some knowledge.
Nothing make weed more unhip
than doing it with your mom.
Unless your mom is Willie Nelson.
I mean, learn from the French.
We all hear those stories
about the French people.
They let the kids drink wine.
But sitting there at the dinner
table, it just makes wine uncool.
And so we just do it like that.
You have a charcuterie board with
the gummies and that stinky cheese,
a little baguette and au
revoir and you just go right on.
You've never said anything
nice about the French.
Because they're rude, they eat
snails, and they don't use deodorant.
There it is.
Oh, by the way, I can't
believe you got Jay Leno
to donate a ride in his car.
[STITCH] Wait, what?
Dude, she posted the wrong car.
What is wrong with Eve?
You clearly said in 1966 Shelby Mustang,
not a 1968 soft-top Pontiac Firebird.
Even a child would know the difference.
[SIGHS]
Carter, get your butt in here.
Mom, I know what you're gonna
say. I shouldn't be doing
There you go. One weed gummy.
Okay, that's not what I
thought you were gonna say.
Actually, it's one
half of one weed gummy.
One half of one very
low-dose weed gummy.
"Bong" appétit.
Why are you doing this?
- Oh, my Did you take the other half?
- No.
Since you're curious, I will let
you try it, under my guidance.
But first,
I need you to know what
you're getting into, okay?
Your dad and I did a lot of partying,
and you see how that turned out.
I've done some research, put together
a presentation I like to call,
"So, you want to try marijuana.
Some call it reefer.
Others call it Mary Jane.
The Sticky Icky.
That Dank Nug "
" Acapulco Gold.
The Chronic.
Devil's lettuce."
Okay, moving on.
Let's discuss what
weed does to your brain,
because it does affect
different people different ways.
Did you take the gummy?
No, but I did learn my favorite
name for weed is "Maui Wowie."
[MATT CHUCKLES]
"The man who walks back
through that door in the wall
is never quite the same
as the man that went out."
- Who said that?
- You, just now?
Aldous Huxley, Doors of Perception. Pow!
Oh, my God! Did you take a gummy?
What? No.
[GASPS] Dad!
I thought it would be great
Hmm.
What?
I thought it would be great if
we could do this as a family.
How do I put this in a
way you'll understand?
Weed is like China.
It's a lot stronger than it was
when you were in high school.
Yes, it is.
Oh, no.
Come on, dude, do it. Let's go.
Don't be baby. Let's go. Do it.
Okay, this is my next card,
the evils of peer pressure.
You know I'm thinking [SNIFFLES]
I can't feel my arm.
[CHUCKLES] Maybe it's a stroke.
Oh, God, am I hungry. Oh, shoot.
- That's the wrong way.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, it's just I
don't know what that is.
Maui Wowie.
Okay, now you've been educated.
You can make an informed decision.
Cool. Thanks, Mom.
["THE JOKER" PLAYING]
Oh, no. Sounds like the Pineapple
Express just pulled into town.
Some people call me Maurice ♪
[IMITATES GUITAR RIFF]
'Cause I speak ♪
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- What a buzzkill.
I think you should go
to bed, your highness.
I'm partying. I'm not going to bed.
'Cause I'm a joker I'm a
smoker and a midnight toker ♪
You're also a grandfather.
You need to pull it together.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- We have visitors!
We have visitors?
Yeah, your boy's schwasted.
Hey. Stitch, Gabriel, guys, come on in.
Get out of there. Come on.
It's a beautiful night out
there. Look at that. Look at that.
He's acting creepy nice,
man. He already knows.
It's like in Goodfellas
when they got Pesci.
Pesci? [IMITATING JOE
PESCI] "Funny like a clown?
Do I amuse you?"
It's almost like Leno doing Pesci.
Well, you know what,
speaking of Leno, man,
I got something I need to tell you.
No, I got something to tell you.
What?
I What?
Right, I'll go first.
Look, man, I accidentally let Eve
auction off a ride in Jay Leno's car
for the NoHo Imp Ass tree thing, man.
And I [SIGHS]
was there.
Thanks.
- So, look, bro, we had a good 20-year run.
- Oh, yeah.
And you should fire
Gabe 'cause he was there.
What are you talking about?
Fire? We're talking about parks.
I love parks.
Parks. National parks,
Jurassic Parks, Rosa Parks.
Park is in my name,
Parker. I love parks.
What is happening?
I probably don't say this enough,
but I really appreciate you two guys.
You don't say that ever.
Yeah?
What's wrong with you,
bro? You all right?
What?
W-we got the W. We're
gonna get out of here now.
- See you later.
- Okay.
He ate half a box of pizza rolls.
And they're still frozen.
What's Papa doing now?
Just watching TV.
That's a huge moth
Look out, Godzilla!
Yeah, I think I'm
gonna pass on the gummy.
Oh, really? How come?
Seeing grandpa high. Uh
If it makes him act like that,
I don't want to see
what it's gonna do to me.
Yeah, he's kind of
ruining it for me too.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm good.
I think that's a good choice for now,
and when you're older, you can
make a more informed decision.
But if you ever want
to talk about it again,
I will be here with my index cards.
Thanks. And you are a cool mom.
Nerd.
I think I get what you mean
about the doors of perception.
It's like you go through a
door and you learn something,
but you also learn how
much you don't know.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
How many?
- Relax. It's five milligrams.
- [MATT GROANS]
To me, that's basically
like a chewable vitamin.
[GRUNTS]
Am I screwing up my kid?
Yep.
[SIGHS] We all screw up our
kids. Look what I did to mine.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, you did.
Wait, are you talking about me?
Every parent screws up their kids.
There's no book on this stuff.
We do the best we can.
You know, things happen.
But look at it this way.
Carter said no, he
didn't want to experiment,
so consider that a victory, okay?
You're right.
Wow, Dad, this is like a real
breakthrough moment for us.
[MATT] Mmm.
What?
What?
- What?
- What?
[MATT SIGHS]
Hey, guys. The auction
was a huge success.
How much did my sexy tune-up raise?
You owe me 20 bucks.
Stitch, your donation rocked.
Who knew so many people wanted
to ride in Jay Leno's car?
Ride in his car? Who gave anybody
permission to ride in Jay's car?
You did. Last night.
What?
You said you like trees and
parks. You said you appreciate me.
Does that sound like me?
No.
Jay's gonna stop by here. You
gotta tell him all about this.
And you, you gotta stop raising money
for your commie parks here in my shop.
Wow. You really hate that park, huh?
I hate all parks. Drill, baby, drill.
That's very weird,
because I happen to know
that you've been giving
money to that park for years.
[SCOFFS] I don't know
what you're talking about.
See, I have a very gossipy coworker
who said you've been donating that money
to that park since she was a kid.
You can't make me into a nice guy,
and I probably should've
left that kid at the park
when she was eight years old.
Oh, oopsie, it's too late.
I already know you're nice.
[DOOR OPENS]
Matt, you have outdone yourself
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
is that a thumbprint?
We'll get rid of that. Jay,
Stitch has something to say.
Hey, yo, Jay. Look,
you my man. Check it.
I gotta be real with you,
man. I gotta apologize and rep.
Hey, what I did, I let my girl Eve
from the NoHo Imp Ass take the car.
They put a little auction, took it
for a little whip and brought it back.
Know what I mean?
Finally, a straight answer.
Look, I love parks, okay?
To be honest with you,
I got so many cars,
I forgot where I left this one.
Thank you, Mr. Leno.
If you were any nicer,
you'd be Matt Parker.
Ugh.
- Everything okay?
- Why you asking?
Well, you called me last
night. You left a long message.
You said the car was ready.
Then you said you love me.
Then you asked if I was a joker,
a smoker
- or a midnight toker.
- Toker, yeah.
Yeah, and then you started crying.
I was doing a bit.
- A comedy bit.
- For you.
Yeah. You know, it's
funny you mention it.
I was watching a show last night.
It must have been from the '90s.
A guy looks like a younger version
of you, has all your mannerisms.
The difference between you
and him, he was really funny.
Oh, that guy. He was unbeliev
Hey, wait a minute. Hey.
Nobody leaves till I get
everybody's fingerprint.
Damn. This is one sexy automobile.
If Margot Robbie were a car,
she'd be a 1968 Pontiac Firebird.
Paint looks great.
Boy, I'll tell you what,
we got modified suspension,
all-disc brakes, a straight-six
modified overhead cam
Oh, yeah, keep talking, baby.
Y'all need girlfriends.
No, no, no, don't touch it.
You know, Mr. Jay Leno, very
picky about his paint jobs.
[IMITATING JAY LENO]
"That's right. Wait.
Did one of your grease
monkeys touch my car?"
Dude, that's your Leno? You
sound like Tickle Me Elmo.
[IMITATING JAY LENO] You guys are
crazy. It sounds just like Leno.
Drop the mic. Come on, let's
do some gags, little bits.
There's the man I'm looking for.
Did anyone ever call you Matty?
Never more than once.
Are you familiar with the North
Hollywood Improvement Association?
Oh, I love NoHo Imp Ass.
Anyway, we're fixing up that
janky park down the street.
I was hoping you'd join
the other local businesses
in donating an item for our auction.
- Hmm
- It'd be great PR for the shop.
You know, much like your
biblical namesake, Eve,
I think you're trying to tempt me.
But unlike Adam, I'm not
gonna bite on your apple.
Come on, why won't you help us out?
This is a fundraiser for a good cause.
Just donate something small,
like a tire change or your heart.
We're a restoration shop.
We don't do tire changes, and
I have no heart. Bye-bye, Eve.
Hey, Matt. Come on,
man. Parks are important.
Plus, the world could use some
generosity from white guys with money.
Especially since you
took Snoop Dogg from us.
I have very generous
heart. I'm a generous man.
I'm letting two of my employees
stand around here doing nothing
with their thumbs in their butts.
For the record, my thumb
was nowhere near my butt.
You're cute.
I have a few friends that you could
make really happy for, like, a week.
Thank you.
So, you like parks?
I love parks. Spent my
whole childhood in 'em.
I crashed so many quinceañeras.
Them piñatas didn't stand a chance.
Love it. So what are you donating?
We could make one of
those charity calendars.
You know, the hot mechanics
of Parker Restoration.
I was thinking more along
the lines of a tune-up.
Like a sexy tune-up?
Stitch.
[BEATBOXES]
Oh, my God, Wendy is going to love you.
What about you? I bet you're
incredibly talented at something.
I do a little DJing,
mainly for my friends,
but I did one slamming bat mitzvah.
Challah bread!
Perfect. I'll put you
down for a four-hour event.
Gabe, unlimited auto care for a year.
- Dancing optional.
- Oh, there will be dancing.
- Stitch.
- [BEATBOXES]
I'll text you Wendy's number.
Uh, Mom, is it okay if
I have some friends over
after school to play some video games?
"Friends"? Oh, that's nice.
Did you hire them?
No, she didn't hire them.
You didn't, right?
You think I can afford friends
for you? I can't afford new bras.
So, who are they?
Just a couple guys. I call them
my crew. They call me C-Dog.
I'm not sure what the
C stands for, but
Duh! "Chill dude." I
mean, it makes sense.
- This is hard to watch.
- Yeah, I'll say.
So, what's their angle, Carter?
They don't have an angle.
They want to hang out with him.
I don't buy it. No offense.
I don't know if I want
strange kids coming over here.
God knows what they're bringing in.
Drugs, weapons, crackers made
of seaweed, who knows what.
He needs to make friends here.
Just let me take the lead.
This is a job for cool mom,
not "get off my lawn" grandpa.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Eve, what's up? Hey,
how's the auction going?
How many bids you got
for DJ Slow Your Roll?
[IMITATES AIR HORN]
None.
[IMITATES AIR HORN]
Don't worry, guys. It's early.
Bidding is just getting started.
The wellness center's already
got 14 bids on a colonic.
So, instead of, you
know, hearing you DJ,
people would rather have
water pumped up their
Which is hurtful.
So, you know I'm
gonna go back to work.
You know what? I bet people
would spend a lot of money
for a spin in one of these cool cars.
Yeah, they would. And
then they'd find our bodies
in the trunk if Matt ever found out.
Right, I get it. You're daddy's boy.
And you're a bad boy who
plays by his own rules
and doesn't care what the boss man
thinks and does whatever he wants.
I know what you're doing.
And it's working.
You know, we're taking
this '66 Shelby Mustang
out for a test drive next week.
It couldn't hurt if someone
happened to be in the back seat.
I'll be back to take a
picture for the website.
Eve, you want a video for my item?
[BEATBOXES] Watch this.
No, but I am donating
five dance lessons.
You might want to bid on those.
All right, have fun on your sleepover.
Be sure to thank Sophie's mother.
Don't worry, moms love me.
I compliment their hair, say
they got good taste in music.
I make 'em feel young.
Oh, hey. Uh, this is Ethan and Kyle.
See? They're real.
Nice to meet your two
followers on Instagram.
Ah, good one. How's the
8:30 bedtime treating you?
Well, well, well. Looks
like the Girl Scouts
got through the sprinklers. [CHUCKLES]
Your dad's like a thousand.
That's my grandpa, and yeah.
We're gonna go play Call of Duty.
I gotta check these backpacks
out first, and after that,
put your hands against the
wall for a little pat down.
Condoms?
[CHUCKLES] You're
never gonna need these.
It's aspirational.
Okay, strip search is over.
Have fun, boys. I'll
bring you some snacks.
I don't know what you're worried
about. God, did you see those boys?
They're just sweet,
nerdy, totally harmless
[GASPS]
Pot gummies?
I'm gonna kill those bastards.
Listen, if you need a confession,
we can use a car battery,
copper wire and a little jigsaw.
Are you two derelicts
giving my son marijuana?
Mom, please.
Are you here to get high?
You know you're too
young for these, right?
You're lucky I don't turn
you in to the authorities.
Dude, your mom's kinda a narc.
A narc? For your information, I
was the coolest kid at your school.
Okay, Grandma.
Shut up, Ethan. I'm way younger than
your mom, and your dad hits on me.
Now, tell me, which one
of you brought these?
Carter? Where did you get them?
They fell out of your pocket.
So, these are mine?
Are you, like, a weed dealer?
Oh, God. I'm gonna go to jail.
She's hot when she's mad.
Inappropriate, Kyle, and thank you.
Mom, we weren't gonna do them.
We were just gonna play video
games. I mean, they didn't even know.
Not cool holding out on us.
Let's step, bro.
Mom, don't freak out. I just
found them a couple of days ago.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was thinking of trying
one, but I haven't.
And you never will.
I need to think of a suitable
punishment. Until then, you're grounded.
Fine, I might as well
never leave this house
since I don't have any friends.
[CARTER SIGHS]
You know, women's prisons
are pretty nice these days.
Coffee klatchers,
assemble. It's an emergency.
Don't freak out. The three
of us will raise it together.
What? No, I'm not pregnant. God.
There's something I
need to discuss softly
so my dad doesn't give
me a parenting lecture.
Scones too? Ooh, I know
this gonna be juicy.
It's Carter. I caught
him with pot gummies.
If you're talking about Carter
eating those gummies, if you ask me
- I didn't.
- If you had
I hadn't.
I would say, let him take the gummies.
[ALL] What?
Wait. [CLEARS THROAT] Did you
just say, "Give him a gummy"?
Matt wants someone to get high?
Am I high?
I'm high, and this is still weird to me.
You are seriously suggesting
I give my son weed?
He said he wanted to experiment, right?
You can't stop him from doing that.
You did drugs just to piss
off your mom and I, right?
- And look how that turned out.
- This is what I'm saying.
So let him do it, but do
it with him. Teach him.
Scare him straight.
Wow, I cannot believe you are
encouraging me to be cool about weed.
Why is that such a surprise to you?
Have you met you?
When I was young, I did doobies.
Okay, Cheech.
It wasn't for us. It was
for Deadheads and Democrats.
We didn't do the pot thing.
Pot was just my gateway to
the real devil stuff, booze.
[IMITATES BOTTLE TOP POPPING]
You know, Matt is
driving some knowledge.
Nothing make weed more unhip
than doing it with your mom.
Unless your mom is Willie Nelson.
I mean, learn from the French.
We all hear those stories
about the French people.
They let the kids drink wine.
But sitting there at the dinner
table, it just makes wine uncool.
And so we just do it like that.
You have a charcuterie board with
the gummies and that stinky cheese,
a little baguette and au
revoir and you just go right on.
You've never said anything
nice about the French.
Because they're rude, they eat
snails, and they don't use deodorant.
There it is.
Oh, by the way, I can't
believe you got Jay Leno
to donate a ride in his car.
[STITCH] Wait, what?
Dude, she posted the wrong car.
What is wrong with Eve?
You clearly said in 1966 Shelby Mustang,
not a 1968 soft-top Pontiac Firebird.
Even a child would know the difference.
[SIGHS]
Carter, get your butt in here.
Mom, I know what you're gonna
say. I shouldn't be doing
There you go. One weed gummy.
Okay, that's not what I
thought you were gonna say.
Actually, it's one
half of one weed gummy.
One half of one very
low-dose weed gummy.
"Bong" appétit.
Why are you doing this?
- Oh, my Did you take the other half?
- No.
Since you're curious, I will let
you try it, under my guidance.
But first,
I need you to know what
you're getting into, okay?
Your dad and I did a lot of partying,
and you see how that turned out.
I've done some research, put together
a presentation I like to call,
"So, you want to try marijuana.
Some call it reefer.
Others call it Mary Jane.
The Sticky Icky.
That Dank Nug "
" Acapulco Gold.
The Chronic.
Devil's lettuce."
Okay, moving on.
Let's discuss what
weed does to your brain,
because it does affect
different people different ways.
Did you take the gummy?
No, but I did learn my favorite
name for weed is "Maui Wowie."
[MATT CHUCKLES]
"The man who walks back
through that door in the wall
is never quite the same
as the man that went out."
- Who said that?
- You, just now?
Aldous Huxley, Doors of Perception. Pow!
Oh, my God! Did you take a gummy?
What? No.
[GASPS] Dad!
I thought it would be great
Hmm.
What?
I thought it would be great if
we could do this as a family.
How do I put this in a
way you'll understand?
Weed is like China.
It's a lot stronger than it was
when you were in high school.
Yes, it is.
Oh, no.
Come on, dude, do it. Let's go.
Don't be baby. Let's go. Do it.
Okay, this is my next card,
the evils of peer pressure.
You know I'm thinking [SNIFFLES]
I can't feel my arm.
[CHUCKLES] Maybe it's a stroke.
Oh, God, am I hungry. Oh, shoot.
- That's the wrong way.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, it's just I
don't know what that is.
Maui Wowie.
Okay, now you've been educated.
You can make an informed decision.
Cool. Thanks, Mom.
["THE JOKER" PLAYING]
Oh, no. Sounds like the Pineapple
Express just pulled into town.
Some people call me Maurice ♪
[IMITATES GUITAR RIFF]
'Cause I speak ♪
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- What a buzzkill.
I think you should go
to bed, your highness.
I'm partying. I'm not going to bed.
'Cause I'm a joker I'm a
smoker and a midnight toker ♪
You're also a grandfather.
You need to pull it together.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- We have visitors!
We have visitors?
Yeah, your boy's schwasted.
Hey. Stitch, Gabriel, guys, come on in.
Get out of there. Come on.
It's a beautiful night out
there. Look at that. Look at that.
He's acting creepy nice,
man. He already knows.
It's like in Goodfellas
when they got Pesci.
Pesci? [IMITATING JOE
PESCI] "Funny like a clown?
Do I amuse you?"
It's almost like Leno doing Pesci.
Well, you know what,
speaking of Leno, man,
I got something I need to tell you.
No, I got something to tell you.
What?
I What?
Right, I'll go first.
Look, man, I accidentally let Eve
auction off a ride in Jay Leno's car
for the NoHo Imp Ass tree thing, man.
And I [SIGHS]
was there.
Thanks.
- So, look, bro, we had a good 20-year run.
- Oh, yeah.
And you should fire
Gabe 'cause he was there.
What are you talking about?
Fire? We're talking about parks.
I love parks.
Parks. National parks,
Jurassic Parks, Rosa Parks.
Park is in my name,
Parker. I love parks.
What is happening?
I probably don't say this enough,
but I really appreciate you two guys.
You don't say that ever.
Yeah?
What's wrong with you,
bro? You all right?
What?
W-we got the W. We're
gonna get out of here now.
- See you later.
- Okay.
He ate half a box of pizza rolls.
And they're still frozen.
What's Papa doing now?
Just watching TV.
That's a huge moth
Look out, Godzilla!
Yeah, I think I'm
gonna pass on the gummy.
Oh, really? How come?
Seeing grandpa high. Uh
If it makes him act like that,
I don't want to see
what it's gonna do to me.
Yeah, he's kind of
ruining it for me too.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm good.
I think that's a good choice for now,
and when you're older, you can
make a more informed decision.
But if you ever want
to talk about it again,
I will be here with my index cards.
Thanks. And you are a cool mom.
Nerd.
I think I get what you mean
about the doors of perception.
It's like you go through a
door and you learn something,
but you also learn how
much you don't know.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
How many?
- Relax. It's five milligrams.
- [MATT GROANS]
To me, that's basically
like a chewable vitamin.
[GRUNTS]
Am I screwing up my kid?
Yep.
[SIGHS] We all screw up our
kids. Look what I did to mine.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, you did.
Wait, are you talking about me?
Every parent screws up their kids.
There's no book on this stuff.
We do the best we can.
You know, things happen.
But look at it this way.
Carter said no, he
didn't want to experiment,
so consider that a victory, okay?
You're right.
Wow, Dad, this is like a real
breakthrough moment for us.
[MATT] Mmm.
What?
What?
- What?
- What?
[MATT SIGHS]
Hey, guys. The auction
was a huge success.
How much did my sexy tune-up raise?
You owe me 20 bucks.
Stitch, your donation rocked.
Who knew so many people wanted
to ride in Jay Leno's car?
Ride in his car? Who gave anybody
permission to ride in Jay's car?
You did. Last night.
What?
You said you like trees and
parks. You said you appreciate me.
Does that sound like me?
No.
Jay's gonna stop by here. You
gotta tell him all about this.
And you, you gotta stop raising money
for your commie parks here in my shop.
Wow. You really hate that park, huh?
I hate all parks. Drill, baby, drill.
That's very weird,
because I happen to know
that you've been giving
money to that park for years.
[SCOFFS] I don't know
what you're talking about.
See, I have a very gossipy coworker
who said you've been donating that money
to that park since she was a kid.
You can't make me into a nice guy,
and I probably should've
left that kid at the park
when she was eight years old.
Oh, oopsie, it's too late.
I already know you're nice.
[DOOR OPENS]
Matt, you have outdone yourself
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
is that a thumbprint?
We'll get rid of that. Jay,
Stitch has something to say.
Hey, yo, Jay. Look,
you my man. Check it.
I gotta be real with you,
man. I gotta apologize and rep.
Hey, what I did, I let my girl Eve
from the NoHo Imp Ass take the car.
They put a little auction, took it
for a little whip and brought it back.
Know what I mean?
Finally, a straight answer.
Look, I love parks, okay?
To be honest with you,
I got so many cars,
I forgot where I left this one.
Thank you, Mr. Leno.
If you were any nicer,
you'd be Matt Parker.
Ugh.
- Everything okay?
- Why you asking?
Well, you called me last
night. You left a long message.
You said the car was ready.
Then you said you love me.
Then you asked if I was a joker,
a smoker
- or a midnight toker.
- Toker, yeah.
Yeah, and then you started crying.
I was doing a bit.
- A comedy bit.
- For you.
Yeah. You know, it's
funny you mention it.
I was watching a show last night.
It must have been from the '90s.
A guy looks like a younger version
of you, has all your mannerisms.
The difference between you
and him, he was really funny.
Oh, that guy. He was unbeliev
Hey, wait a minute. Hey.
Nobody leaves till I get
everybody's fingerprint.