Sit Down Shut Up (2009) s01e09 Episode Script
Tackin
Ok, good hustle.
That was a nice, brisk walk from the gym.
And only 4 Charley horses on the way.
Ha ha! No, let's tackle that obstacle course, OK, gang? Or a nap? We could tackle a nap.
Larry, this courier was looking for-- oh, is it nap time already? Hey, I got a delivery for coach Larry from the deep South council on physical fitness.
Aah! Stuart, what is the best news you could imagine? A hung jury? What? No.
The council will be coming here next week to administer the annual physical fitness test.
Now, listen.
If these kids do even half way decent, we will get an honorable mention.
And that is huge, Stuart! Knob Haven's never even gotten a mention before.
We were alluded to once in that lawsuit about poisoned groundwater.
Ew! Aah! Ugh! Aah! Hell, yeah! You heard about the deep South council.
Hell, yeah! I did not.
Sue, we have a very real shot at winning honorable mention from the deep South council on physical fitness.
But we will need to make some changes.
Fast.
You just named my least favorite thing to do, and my least favorite speed at which to do it.
But Sue, are students are woefully out of shape.
We need to get them off junk food, away from the TV, and move them outside.
Lar, can you move away from the TV? Maybe go outside? And while you're up, nut crunch me? I'm sorry, I'm all out.
But I do have an Andrew-friendly assortment of peanut logs, sticky buns, blow pops, licking sticks and fist 'em licks.
Do you have any everlasting butt stuffers? That's not a real-- oh, here you go.
Sue, you're part of the problem.
Actually, you are the problem.
Larry, junk food sales are my main profit center, outside of lottery tickets and cough syrup.
Oh! And a syrup.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have business.
The deaf kids are all, like.
For Mike and Ikes.
Hang on, Sue.
Hey, what about getting that new gym equipment so I can put my students through a serious workout? I need that money to widen our doorways.
God forbid, there's ever a fire drill.
I mean, between the deaf kids and the chubbies, no one's getting out alive.
Well, Sue may not care about the kids' health, but I do.
I'm going to get rid of all the junk food.
Not our problem.
Ever heard of knocking? Oh, sorry, I forgot about your 3:00 P.
M.
foraging.
When you're done, I need to throw out all this junk food I confiscated.
Throw out? You? Why would you--what kind of man would-- Larry, would you mind if I took this home? Well, the landfill, your apartment, kind of the same thing.
But you'll go easy on it, right? This is very unhealthy stuff.
I am a model of self-restraint.
Ohh! I am become nougat! Oh! Ooh! Oh, help! Somebody! I'm stuck! Omg, Willard? Or did John Goodman eat Kirstie alley between 2 slices of Carnie Wilson? Ohh! Ohh! Thanks.
I may have overindulged last night.
Is it noticeable? Uh, yeah.
From space.
Hey, everyone, there's a ninth planet again.
Yeah--oh, no, no, no.
That's very droll.
But I've actually been beating myself up over this.
How can you reach yourself to get a punch in? If it's not too much to ask, could you go easy on the witticisms? Everyone's looking.
Oh, these people aren't staring.
They just can't escape your gravitational pull.
Oh, Macy's called.
The Donald duck balloon needs its pants back.
Somebody, for the love of God, please stop him! That's what the manager of the all you can eat buffet said the last time you got peckish.
Oh! Hollywood is making a movie about the Michelin man.
And they want to show it on you.
Yes, I deserve that.
But-- Willard, are you-- hungry? Anyone salty, run for your life.
Andrew, that's enough! Oh, my God, he's having a heart attack.
Tell mother yes, she got her wish.
Of course! Free Willard.
You know, like the whale? Nothing? Too soon? How about now? Too late? Tough crowd.
We prepared a memorial slideshow to commemorate Willard's life.
Happy? how do I say good-bye? to what-- we only did have the one picture.
Ohh! Ennis now has a few words he'd like to say.
Thank you, Larry.
Willard Leonard Deutschebog limped into our lives, and just as quickly collapsed out of them.
Did he have charisma? Hell, no.
And what he must have seen during his 75-75,000 years on this planet From behind the milky film of 1,000 cataracts played the course of history.
The invention of the dog, women getting the vote for some reason, when eve bit the apple in bible place, Willard was there to ask, "are you going to finish that?" Willard Herbert Deutschbog, scavenger, parasite, friend alike.
I can't believe I killed Willard with my words, he said in a nonlegally binding way.
Oh, God.
If you bring Willard back, I'll never be mean again.
Hello.
Aah! Willard! Ooh, and a teal vespa.
No? Just Willard? Ok.
Willard? You're not dead? Miracle, you said you called the hospital to confirm.
Yes, I confirmed there is a hospital.
Willard, I can't tell you how relieved I am to see you because now I'm back in the running for the Willard death pool.
I have you down for skin failure.
Stuart's a long shot because he has you falling off a horse or a toilet.
Either way, the smart money's on trots.
Happy, if Willard's alive, what were those ashes? Stuart give me body, I burn.
Ok, everyone, please sit down.
If you can't fit in a chair, you can sit in the aisle.
The fitness test is at the end of the week, so, there is still time to turn things around if you are properly motivated.
So, I brought in Mr.
Deutschebog to scare you straight.
Not you, Ronald.
Fully support who you are, pal.
Ok, Willard, please tell them what it's like to have a heart attack.
So, there I was, terrified, short of breath, nauseous, completely drained of color, sweat pouring from my body, no problem, right? And then, the trouble started.
My arm suddenly went numb.
Then, this cocoon of joy enveloped me.
I felt my essence rise from my body, like steam from the dumpster outside the Thai restaurant.
Then, I was flying to a tunnel, toward a bright light.
I felt feelings I had never felt before.
Pleasure, joy, continence.
Don't be afraid, Willard.
There is no rabies here.
Well, a little rabies.
Whoa, sounds trippy.
Were you scared? Oh, no.
I had a feeling of perfect mindless calm.
Like Keanu Reeves sitting in a bath of warm chicken broth.
And the things I saw! Coupons! Ahh! Ooh! Ohh! And then, I landed in what I can only call the land of delights.
Suddenly, I was in heaven, surrounded by the coolest people who ever existed.
Hello, Willard.
Who are you? Oh, you've known me your whole life.
I'm Oscar Meyer.
I love your work.
And these men founded your favorite fast food chains.
It's an honor to have killed ya.
It was the greatest trip of my life.
Really wonderful.
That's all.
Also mind-blowing.
Thank you, Willard.
That all sounds pretty scary to me.
But here's a "trip" that might sound pretty cool to you kids, huh? A trip around the track! Come on! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Deutschie, I'm proud to say in front of these students that I've tried every possible way of getting high.
I've done estrogen, oregano and monkey cocaine, also known a s bananas.
Oh, oh! And I also did crack one time for, like, 4 years.
But none of them have ever done the trick.
So, as far as getting high, could you rate your experience on a sex scale? "0" being no sex and "1" being sex? "1"? Yes! That is sex! Well, I think I speak for everyone here when I say that I want to be just like you and emulate your lifestyle.
Let's all be like Willard! Let's all give ourselves heart attacks! Tack! Tack! Tack! Well, at least they're being active.
They call it "Tackin.
" it's the most addictive and dangerous teenage fad since uttering the phrase "that's hot" killed 200 young people in 2003.
Alarmed? You will be.
At Knob Haven High School, teenage children are trying to induce heart attacks to obtain one brief moment of sweet, sweet euphoria.
Transfats, stress enhancers, extreme couch potatoing.
Nothing's out of bounds for these thrillseekers.
Parents, don't miss the signs that your child is trying to heart attack.
Fat, lazy, fat and lazy, of "flazy.
" You know, this reporter can't help but wonder, whatever happened to the innocent days of sock hops and glue-sniffing parties? How many times do I have to say it? I don't wanna see this school on the news unless it's "principal wins dance contest.
" To be fair, Sue, you don't enter that many dance contests.
I'm between age groups! This is your fault, Larry.
What?! How is this my fault? It's the Larry chain of causality.
You cause bad things.
Whoa and whoa.
Sue, you started all this by selling junk food to kids.
If I made all this "money" on alleged candy sales, where is this "$4,000"? Where'd all that money go, Larry? Um, you're wearing solid gold shoes? I don't need to listen to this hogwash.
Larry, don't take it too hard.
When an inspirational guy like Willard comes along, with his hip attitude and in-your-face style, there's nothing you can do.
He sort of reminds me of another guy who came back from the dead and started a movement.
Dracula.
If these kids are doing this because Willard is cool, then I just have to out cool Willard.
How hard could that be? It's a good old fashioned cool off.
Yeah! Ugh! Try to be nice.
Gotta be nice.
I promised god--oh, God! Hey, wait.
Do these pants make my ass look like an ass? Um, well-- Crap! I gotta call my sponsor.
I'm tempted, Brad.
Talk me down.
It's Helen.
She asked me how she looked again.
Awful! Like if Bob Mackie dressed Jeff Goldblum in the fly.
Like they started to cremate Cher but the power went out.
"Fine"? I can't say "fine"! Ok, yes.
But if I vomit, it's on your conscience.
Hello, Helen.
You look fine.
Really? God! Just too damn healthy to have a heart attack and the sweet, natural high that comes with it.
I'll probably die of emphysema first, like some loser.
Though I could finally have one of those low, sexy voices like Miley Cyrus.
Nah, I want a heart attack.
Why don't you try fighting in world war ii and interacting with my grandmother? You'd really help my grandfather.
Or you could go down to the ice cream shop and try to pick just one flavor.
Are you stumped? Pistachio.
Shut up! You're stressing me out and I'm trying to get stressed out.
Hey, wait a minute.
You're hired.
To do what? My only skills are teaching math and annoying people until they have heart attacks.
Yes, that.
All right.
Well, if you want to solve for "x" in the equation "x x 15 =--" no, you idiot.
The second one.
God, you're such a-- ohh! Keep it up.
Hey, Mr.
"d," check this out.
Found my mom's stash.
Yeah, bacon drippings are a good gateway fat.
But when you're ready to hang with the big dogs, you go to any fast food joint, you ask them where they keep their used French fry grease.
You just tell them you drive Willie Nelson's bus.
They'll give you a big drum of the good stuff.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been sitting for a while.
I've got to lie down.
They think Willard and his heart attacks are cool? Wait till they get a load of the new kid, Barry Bittlejunk.
Hey, guys, I'm the new kid Barry.
Let me turn off my rap real quick.
You guys tackin'? Sha! That's not cool where I come from.
Hollywood.
What? That's right.
Listen, you know what's cool right now? I heard it through the grapevine.
It's raisins, baby.
Oh, yeah.
Sweetened by the sun, baby.
My mom straight up loses it when I get 4 to 5 servings of fresh fruit per day.
She's all, "play your Atari!" And I'm like, "whatever.
"I'm trying to get ready for Friday's physical fitness test.
" And speaking of the importance of fitness, that coach littlejunk is really-- gay? Whoa! I heard he's got a shot with miss Grohe.
I photoshopped her head on a naked lady's body.
Wanna see it? Come on, man.
She's one of our teachers and you need to respect-- can I keep this? I really want it, seriously.
Ok if I keep it? Thanks.
To sum up, because recaps is so cool, whole grains, lots of examacizzisize, coach is not gay, fresh fruit, and I will see you at the fitness test.
Out.
Before I start stressing you out, could I have my check? This is the first time I've paid $50 to get some angina.
Now, I've hooked myself up to a heart monitor, so we can see how much delicious stress you're giving me.
And make my heart explode.
Go.
Uh, let's see.
What's stressful? The little men who live in our organs.
What if they go to war? Right.
You're forgetting I'm not insane, though.
Oh, right.
Ok, then.
Boo! No? Ok.
Oh, look.
I'm mixing milk and meat on the same plate.
Oh, wait.
That only works at habbad house.
How can you not be able to stress me out? What is wrong with you? How hard is it to stress me out when you're so naturally Annoying? Wait.
It's working.
Keep it up.
Ok, what do I find stressful? Uh, sound of waves on a beach.
Watch out, it's rhythmic! Sunday morning, brunch is looming.
Dude, what if there's eggs? Good.
I want to strangle you.
Don't stop.
What happened? I'm getting calm.
You're giving me a foot rub.
That's relaxing, you dumb [Bleep.]
! Sorry, I panicked.
Well, what if I play wind chimes? No! What are they even doing in the nurse's office? Herbal tea? Listen to my heart.
So relaxed.
Barely alive.
You soothing mother [Bleep.]
.
Mother [Bleep.]
.
Honorable mention here we come! Whoa, you have gone from truck stop fat to state fair fat.
Oh, look.
Ben and Jerry found a way to have a kid.
No! Must hold the snide inside! Unh! It burns! Didn't that cool new kid with the expensive Walkman teach you that healthy living is rad? Who? Barry? Oh, I heard that kid is totally getting his ass kicked at 3:00 P.
M.
Really? What? Why? 3:00 P.
M.
? Are you sure? Look the deep South council's almost here and you're so out of shape, you'll probably get heart attacks just from doing the course.
That's right! Yeah! Let's tack! Wait! Stop! Your heart's are gonna explode! Health Larry, is it true that you are responsible for the tackin' craze and the rise of diabetnik culture? Oh, no! They're here.
Oh, my car.
An infraction? Aah! Myocardial infarction! Aah! Cattiness.
Clogging.
Arteries.
Ohh! Aah! Why won't you stop beating, you blood-pumping [Bleep.]
? Oh! I'm gonna tack! Oh, God.
The stress of not giving me a heart attack gave Stuart a heart attack.
Unh! Aha! My fake heart attack gave Ennis a heart attack.
Easiest 50 clams I ever--ooh, God! He left the memo field blank! How will I know what this is for? Ohh! Aah! Unh! This could be my chance for a spin-off.
Eh, I'll just take the afternoon off.
Oh, it's so beautiful from up here, although we are overwatering the end zone.
And when did I learn to fly? Oh, the heart attack.
Oh, yeah! Huh? Are you Socrates? No, I'm Aristotle, [Bleep.]
.
Of course, I'm Socrates.
Does it look like I have an 8-inch beard? No? I'm rockin' the 7-inch.
I'm a teacher, too.
I can learn so much from you.
You're the greatest teacher of all time.
Well, only according to history, and Mr.
Aaron spelling here.
We're filming a little 90210 remake starring myself, Sal Mineo and River Phoenix.
It's for NBC.
They're here, too.
So, tell me, Socrates, where did I go wrong? So, how's this gonna work? Do you have, uh, protection? At your service.
Wow! Thanks, Beethoven.
But no need to applaud.
I told you I don't have any Mike and Ikes.
Hmm.
I guess my insults weren't that bad if I ended up in heaven.
All is forgiven, my son.
Wow, look at you! On the seventh day, God rested.
Where? At a doughnut shop? Ha ha ha! Ok.
Let there be light? More like, "let there be heavy!" Are you there, God? It's me, pizza! Heh, I get it.
God needs to lose a few.
I joined a gym, just haven't had time to go.
Let me ask you a question.
When there was only 1 set of footprints in the sand, I guess there must've been an all you can eat day at the fried clam hut.
Dude, that was me carrying you.
Well, it certainly wasn't me carrying you.
Hey, what's with that lever? God does not like meanies.
Aah! Enjoy hell.
Guess what? You won't! You know who the real greatest teacher of all time is? It's not me.
It's Rick, my old p.
E.
Teacher.
You know why he was so great? Because he didn't give a [Bleep.]
.
And by not giving a [Bleep.]
, Rick forced me to give a [Bleep.]
.
Ohh.
So, by backing off my students, they'll learn to make good decisions on their own.
Or they'll die.
Either way, not your problem.
Hemlock? It's not bad.
It's like day-old r.
C.
Boy, I wish I had a second chance to put this wisdom to use.
Well, you're not dead.
See over there, past that bank that clearly used to be a fast food joint? That's death.
You're near death.
Ohh.
Don't you die on me, dummies.
I do not need the paperwork.
I thought I had been sent to hell.
Oh! Touche, fat God.
I can't believe it.
I had a heart attack.
Wait, coach Larry had a heart attack? It was amazing.
I met Socrates, learned so much.
Learning? Dude, tackin's gotten lame.
Can't believe I traded my iPod for this bacon.
You're right, student number 2, tackin' is over.
Let's go back to glue-sniffing parties.
That'd be retro.
Wait a--hold on.
What happened with the fitness test? Where is the deep South council? Are they hiding behind these fat guys? Oh, we are the deep South council on physical-- Fitness.
My name is Harvey and my man to my left gummin' a chicken wing, why, that's Fred.
Mm-hmm.
But you guys are morbidly obese.
Not by Mississippi standards.
So, is the test over? Can I go back to the cafeteria now? You know what, Toby? I'm not gonna stress about it.
You do whatever you want.
Well, I want to make you proud.
I can do it.
Aah! Seein' as how y'all did none push-ups last year, and this here boy just did 1 Whoo! That's a doublin'! You win! Knob Haven gets the coveted honorable mention certificate that Fred is currently using as a flabby dabble.
Congratulations.
You're gonna wanna let this dry.
I won! By not caring, I actually won.
Oh, look out world.
Nothing's gonna stop Larry now.
3:00 P.
M.
, people.
For the Barry beat-down.
Aah!
That was a nice, brisk walk from the gym.
And only 4 Charley horses on the way.
Ha ha! No, let's tackle that obstacle course, OK, gang? Or a nap? We could tackle a nap.
Larry, this courier was looking for-- oh, is it nap time already? Hey, I got a delivery for coach Larry from the deep South council on physical fitness.
Aah! Stuart, what is the best news you could imagine? A hung jury? What? No.
The council will be coming here next week to administer the annual physical fitness test.
Now, listen.
If these kids do even half way decent, we will get an honorable mention.
And that is huge, Stuart! Knob Haven's never even gotten a mention before.
We were alluded to once in that lawsuit about poisoned groundwater.
Ew! Aah! Ugh! Aah! Hell, yeah! You heard about the deep South council.
Hell, yeah! I did not.
Sue, we have a very real shot at winning honorable mention from the deep South council on physical fitness.
But we will need to make some changes.
Fast.
You just named my least favorite thing to do, and my least favorite speed at which to do it.
But Sue, are students are woefully out of shape.
We need to get them off junk food, away from the TV, and move them outside.
Lar, can you move away from the TV? Maybe go outside? And while you're up, nut crunch me? I'm sorry, I'm all out.
But I do have an Andrew-friendly assortment of peanut logs, sticky buns, blow pops, licking sticks and fist 'em licks.
Do you have any everlasting butt stuffers? That's not a real-- oh, here you go.
Sue, you're part of the problem.
Actually, you are the problem.
Larry, junk food sales are my main profit center, outside of lottery tickets and cough syrup.
Oh! And a syrup.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have business.
The deaf kids are all, like.
For Mike and Ikes.
Hang on, Sue.
Hey, what about getting that new gym equipment so I can put my students through a serious workout? I need that money to widen our doorways.
God forbid, there's ever a fire drill.
I mean, between the deaf kids and the chubbies, no one's getting out alive.
Well, Sue may not care about the kids' health, but I do.
I'm going to get rid of all the junk food.
Not our problem.
Ever heard of knocking? Oh, sorry, I forgot about your 3:00 P.
M.
foraging.
When you're done, I need to throw out all this junk food I confiscated.
Throw out? You? Why would you--what kind of man would-- Larry, would you mind if I took this home? Well, the landfill, your apartment, kind of the same thing.
But you'll go easy on it, right? This is very unhealthy stuff.
I am a model of self-restraint.
Ohh! I am become nougat! Oh! Ooh! Oh, help! Somebody! I'm stuck! Omg, Willard? Or did John Goodman eat Kirstie alley between 2 slices of Carnie Wilson? Ohh! Ohh! Thanks.
I may have overindulged last night.
Is it noticeable? Uh, yeah.
From space.
Hey, everyone, there's a ninth planet again.
Yeah--oh, no, no, no.
That's very droll.
But I've actually been beating myself up over this.
How can you reach yourself to get a punch in? If it's not too much to ask, could you go easy on the witticisms? Everyone's looking.
Oh, these people aren't staring.
They just can't escape your gravitational pull.
Oh, Macy's called.
The Donald duck balloon needs its pants back.
Somebody, for the love of God, please stop him! That's what the manager of the all you can eat buffet said the last time you got peckish.
Oh! Hollywood is making a movie about the Michelin man.
And they want to show it on you.
Yes, I deserve that.
But-- Willard, are you-- hungry? Anyone salty, run for your life.
Andrew, that's enough! Oh, my God, he's having a heart attack.
Tell mother yes, she got her wish.
Of course! Free Willard.
You know, like the whale? Nothing? Too soon? How about now? Too late? Tough crowd.
We prepared a memorial slideshow to commemorate Willard's life.
Happy? how do I say good-bye? to what-- we only did have the one picture.
Ohh! Ennis now has a few words he'd like to say.
Thank you, Larry.
Willard Leonard Deutschebog limped into our lives, and just as quickly collapsed out of them.
Did he have charisma? Hell, no.
And what he must have seen during his 75-75,000 years on this planet From behind the milky film of 1,000 cataracts played the course of history.
The invention of the dog, women getting the vote for some reason, when eve bit the apple in bible place, Willard was there to ask, "are you going to finish that?" Willard Herbert Deutschbog, scavenger, parasite, friend alike.
I can't believe I killed Willard with my words, he said in a nonlegally binding way.
Oh, God.
If you bring Willard back, I'll never be mean again.
Hello.
Aah! Willard! Ooh, and a teal vespa.
No? Just Willard? Ok.
Willard? You're not dead? Miracle, you said you called the hospital to confirm.
Yes, I confirmed there is a hospital.
Willard, I can't tell you how relieved I am to see you because now I'm back in the running for the Willard death pool.
I have you down for skin failure.
Stuart's a long shot because he has you falling off a horse or a toilet.
Either way, the smart money's on trots.
Happy, if Willard's alive, what were those ashes? Stuart give me body, I burn.
Ok, everyone, please sit down.
If you can't fit in a chair, you can sit in the aisle.
The fitness test is at the end of the week, so, there is still time to turn things around if you are properly motivated.
So, I brought in Mr.
Deutschebog to scare you straight.
Not you, Ronald.
Fully support who you are, pal.
Ok, Willard, please tell them what it's like to have a heart attack.
So, there I was, terrified, short of breath, nauseous, completely drained of color, sweat pouring from my body, no problem, right? And then, the trouble started.
My arm suddenly went numb.
Then, this cocoon of joy enveloped me.
I felt my essence rise from my body, like steam from the dumpster outside the Thai restaurant.
Then, I was flying to a tunnel, toward a bright light.
I felt feelings I had never felt before.
Pleasure, joy, continence.
Don't be afraid, Willard.
There is no rabies here.
Well, a little rabies.
Whoa, sounds trippy.
Were you scared? Oh, no.
I had a feeling of perfect mindless calm.
Like Keanu Reeves sitting in a bath of warm chicken broth.
And the things I saw! Coupons! Ahh! Ooh! Ohh! And then, I landed in what I can only call the land of delights.
Suddenly, I was in heaven, surrounded by the coolest people who ever existed.
Hello, Willard.
Who are you? Oh, you've known me your whole life.
I'm Oscar Meyer.
I love your work.
And these men founded your favorite fast food chains.
It's an honor to have killed ya.
It was the greatest trip of my life.
Really wonderful.
That's all.
Also mind-blowing.
Thank you, Willard.
That all sounds pretty scary to me.
But here's a "trip" that might sound pretty cool to you kids, huh? A trip around the track! Come on! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Deutschie, I'm proud to say in front of these students that I've tried every possible way of getting high.
I've done estrogen, oregano and monkey cocaine, also known a s bananas.
Oh, oh! And I also did crack one time for, like, 4 years.
But none of them have ever done the trick.
So, as far as getting high, could you rate your experience on a sex scale? "0" being no sex and "1" being sex? "1"? Yes! That is sex! Well, I think I speak for everyone here when I say that I want to be just like you and emulate your lifestyle.
Let's all be like Willard! Let's all give ourselves heart attacks! Tack! Tack! Tack! Well, at least they're being active.
They call it "Tackin.
" it's the most addictive and dangerous teenage fad since uttering the phrase "that's hot" killed 200 young people in 2003.
Alarmed? You will be.
At Knob Haven High School, teenage children are trying to induce heart attacks to obtain one brief moment of sweet, sweet euphoria.
Transfats, stress enhancers, extreme couch potatoing.
Nothing's out of bounds for these thrillseekers.
Parents, don't miss the signs that your child is trying to heart attack.
Fat, lazy, fat and lazy, of "flazy.
" You know, this reporter can't help but wonder, whatever happened to the innocent days of sock hops and glue-sniffing parties? How many times do I have to say it? I don't wanna see this school on the news unless it's "principal wins dance contest.
" To be fair, Sue, you don't enter that many dance contests.
I'm between age groups! This is your fault, Larry.
What?! How is this my fault? It's the Larry chain of causality.
You cause bad things.
Whoa and whoa.
Sue, you started all this by selling junk food to kids.
If I made all this "money" on alleged candy sales, where is this "$4,000"? Where'd all that money go, Larry? Um, you're wearing solid gold shoes? I don't need to listen to this hogwash.
Larry, don't take it too hard.
When an inspirational guy like Willard comes along, with his hip attitude and in-your-face style, there's nothing you can do.
He sort of reminds me of another guy who came back from the dead and started a movement.
Dracula.
If these kids are doing this because Willard is cool, then I just have to out cool Willard.
How hard could that be? It's a good old fashioned cool off.
Yeah! Ugh! Try to be nice.
Gotta be nice.
I promised god--oh, God! Hey, wait.
Do these pants make my ass look like an ass? Um, well-- Crap! I gotta call my sponsor.
I'm tempted, Brad.
Talk me down.
It's Helen.
She asked me how she looked again.
Awful! Like if Bob Mackie dressed Jeff Goldblum in the fly.
Like they started to cremate Cher but the power went out.
"Fine"? I can't say "fine"! Ok, yes.
But if I vomit, it's on your conscience.
Hello, Helen.
You look fine.
Really? God! Just too damn healthy to have a heart attack and the sweet, natural high that comes with it.
I'll probably die of emphysema first, like some loser.
Though I could finally have one of those low, sexy voices like Miley Cyrus.
Nah, I want a heart attack.
Why don't you try fighting in world war ii and interacting with my grandmother? You'd really help my grandfather.
Or you could go down to the ice cream shop and try to pick just one flavor.
Are you stumped? Pistachio.
Shut up! You're stressing me out and I'm trying to get stressed out.
Hey, wait a minute.
You're hired.
To do what? My only skills are teaching math and annoying people until they have heart attacks.
Yes, that.
All right.
Well, if you want to solve for "x" in the equation "x x 15 =--" no, you idiot.
The second one.
God, you're such a-- ohh! Keep it up.
Hey, Mr.
"d," check this out.
Found my mom's stash.
Yeah, bacon drippings are a good gateway fat.
But when you're ready to hang with the big dogs, you go to any fast food joint, you ask them where they keep their used French fry grease.
You just tell them you drive Willie Nelson's bus.
They'll give you a big drum of the good stuff.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been sitting for a while.
I've got to lie down.
They think Willard and his heart attacks are cool? Wait till they get a load of the new kid, Barry Bittlejunk.
Hey, guys, I'm the new kid Barry.
Let me turn off my rap real quick.
You guys tackin'? Sha! That's not cool where I come from.
Hollywood.
What? That's right.
Listen, you know what's cool right now? I heard it through the grapevine.
It's raisins, baby.
Oh, yeah.
Sweetened by the sun, baby.
My mom straight up loses it when I get 4 to 5 servings of fresh fruit per day.
She's all, "play your Atari!" And I'm like, "whatever.
"I'm trying to get ready for Friday's physical fitness test.
" And speaking of the importance of fitness, that coach littlejunk is really-- gay? Whoa! I heard he's got a shot with miss Grohe.
I photoshopped her head on a naked lady's body.
Wanna see it? Come on, man.
She's one of our teachers and you need to respect-- can I keep this? I really want it, seriously.
Ok if I keep it? Thanks.
To sum up, because recaps is so cool, whole grains, lots of examacizzisize, coach is not gay, fresh fruit, and I will see you at the fitness test.
Out.
Before I start stressing you out, could I have my check? This is the first time I've paid $50 to get some angina.
Now, I've hooked myself up to a heart monitor, so we can see how much delicious stress you're giving me.
And make my heart explode.
Go.
Uh, let's see.
What's stressful? The little men who live in our organs.
What if they go to war? Right.
You're forgetting I'm not insane, though.
Oh, right.
Ok, then.
Boo! No? Ok.
Oh, look.
I'm mixing milk and meat on the same plate.
Oh, wait.
That only works at habbad house.
How can you not be able to stress me out? What is wrong with you? How hard is it to stress me out when you're so naturally Annoying? Wait.
It's working.
Keep it up.
Ok, what do I find stressful? Uh, sound of waves on a beach.
Watch out, it's rhythmic! Sunday morning, brunch is looming.
Dude, what if there's eggs? Good.
I want to strangle you.
Don't stop.
What happened? I'm getting calm.
You're giving me a foot rub.
That's relaxing, you dumb [Bleep.]
! Sorry, I panicked.
Well, what if I play wind chimes? No! What are they even doing in the nurse's office? Herbal tea? Listen to my heart.
So relaxed.
Barely alive.
You soothing mother [Bleep.]
.
Mother [Bleep.]
.
Honorable mention here we come! Whoa, you have gone from truck stop fat to state fair fat.
Oh, look.
Ben and Jerry found a way to have a kid.
No! Must hold the snide inside! Unh! It burns! Didn't that cool new kid with the expensive Walkman teach you that healthy living is rad? Who? Barry? Oh, I heard that kid is totally getting his ass kicked at 3:00 P.
M.
Really? What? Why? 3:00 P.
M.
? Are you sure? Look the deep South council's almost here and you're so out of shape, you'll probably get heart attacks just from doing the course.
That's right! Yeah! Let's tack! Wait! Stop! Your heart's are gonna explode! Health Larry, is it true that you are responsible for the tackin' craze and the rise of diabetnik culture? Oh, no! They're here.
Oh, my car.
An infraction? Aah! Myocardial infarction! Aah! Cattiness.
Clogging.
Arteries.
Ohh! Aah! Why won't you stop beating, you blood-pumping [Bleep.]
? Oh! I'm gonna tack! Oh, God.
The stress of not giving me a heart attack gave Stuart a heart attack.
Unh! Aha! My fake heart attack gave Ennis a heart attack.
Easiest 50 clams I ever--ooh, God! He left the memo field blank! How will I know what this is for? Ohh! Aah! Unh! This could be my chance for a spin-off.
Eh, I'll just take the afternoon off.
Oh, it's so beautiful from up here, although we are overwatering the end zone.
And when did I learn to fly? Oh, the heart attack.
Oh, yeah! Huh? Are you Socrates? No, I'm Aristotle, [Bleep.]
.
Of course, I'm Socrates.
Does it look like I have an 8-inch beard? No? I'm rockin' the 7-inch.
I'm a teacher, too.
I can learn so much from you.
You're the greatest teacher of all time.
Well, only according to history, and Mr.
Aaron spelling here.
We're filming a little 90210 remake starring myself, Sal Mineo and River Phoenix.
It's for NBC.
They're here, too.
So, tell me, Socrates, where did I go wrong? So, how's this gonna work? Do you have, uh, protection? At your service.
Wow! Thanks, Beethoven.
But no need to applaud.
I told you I don't have any Mike and Ikes.
Hmm.
I guess my insults weren't that bad if I ended up in heaven.
All is forgiven, my son.
Wow, look at you! On the seventh day, God rested.
Where? At a doughnut shop? Ha ha ha! Ok.
Let there be light? More like, "let there be heavy!" Are you there, God? It's me, pizza! Heh, I get it.
God needs to lose a few.
I joined a gym, just haven't had time to go.
Let me ask you a question.
When there was only 1 set of footprints in the sand, I guess there must've been an all you can eat day at the fried clam hut.
Dude, that was me carrying you.
Well, it certainly wasn't me carrying you.
Hey, what's with that lever? God does not like meanies.
Aah! Enjoy hell.
Guess what? You won't! You know who the real greatest teacher of all time is? It's not me.
It's Rick, my old p.
E.
Teacher.
You know why he was so great? Because he didn't give a [Bleep.]
.
And by not giving a [Bleep.]
, Rick forced me to give a [Bleep.]
.
Ohh.
So, by backing off my students, they'll learn to make good decisions on their own.
Or they'll die.
Either way, not your problem.
Hemlock? It's not bad.
It's like day-old r.
C.
Boy, I wish I had a second chance to put this wisdom to use.
Well, you're not dead.
See over there, past that bank that clearly used to be a fast food joint? That's death.
You're near death.
Ohh.
Don't you die on me, dummies.
I do not need the paperwork.
I thought I had been sent to hell.
Oh! Touche, fat God.
I can't believe it.
I had a heart attack.
Wait, coach Larry had a heart attack? It was amazing.
I met Socrates, learned so much.
Learning? Dude, tackin's gotten lame.
Can't believe I traded my iPod for this bacon.
You're right, student number 2, tackin' is over.
Let's go back to glue-sniffing parties.
That'd be retro.
Wait a--hold on.
What happened with the fitness test? Where is the deep South council? Are they hiding behind these fat guys? Oh, we are the deep South council on physical-- Fitness.
My name is Harvey and my man to my left gummin' a chicken wing, why, that's Fred.
Mm-hmm.
But you guys are morbidly obese.
Not by Mississippi standards.
So, is the test over? Can I go back to the cafeteria now? You know what, Toby? I'm not gonna stress about it.
You do whatever you want.
Well, I want to make you proud.
I can do it.
Aah! Seein' as how y'all did none push-ups last year, and this here boy just did 1 Whoo! That's a doublin'! You win! Knob Haven gets the coveted honorable mention certificate that Fred is currently using as a flabby dabble.
Congratulations.
You're gonna wanna let this dry.
I won! By not caring, I actually won.
Oh, look out world.
Nothing's gonna stop Larry now.
3:00 P.
M.
, people.
For the Barry beat-down.
Aah!