Six Feet Under s01e09 Episode Script

Yo, what's up? You get it? No, I didn't get anything.
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
- Anthony, go play in Mom's room.
- Why? Because I said so, you little shit.
Go! Get up, come on.
You suck! Kid's got so much major attitude.
Six years old and he's already a hard-ass.
You can get more of this stuff? How much? - How much money do you have? - Oh, like I'm a fucking loaded.
Hey, Bennett and I are going to that record release party tonight.
And then there's an after-hours in Hollywood.
No, dude, I fucking hate that shit.
It's always a bunch of whacked-out faggot tweakers shoving glow sticks in your eyes.
- It's at Sin Sin.
Great, whacked-out Asian tweakers.
That club's weak, dude.
Anthony? An Oh, fuck! Oh, shit.
- Oh, fuck.
- Fuck! I gotta get out of here.
- What? - I gotta get that shit out of here.
Oh, fuck.
Anthony? Morning.
Okay.
What are you mad at me about now? I'm busy, all right? My workload has doubled since Federico's gone.
You can't expect me to engage you in small talk just to make you feel better.
You flunked the licensing test.
- Did you think I didn't know? - I didn't.
You didn't apply yourself.
You think this is something people do as a last resort and therefore it can't be that difficult.
- I feel bad.
You wanna make it worse? - I don't care what you feel - Bullshit.
You like it when I feel bad because misery loves company.
- How'd he die? - Heart attack.
Fell down a flight of stairs, dead when he hit the bottom.
- His nose supposed to look like that? - Of course not.
I have to finish embalming him before I can start on anything cosmetic.
- I can deal with whoever it is.
- Unless it's a walk-in.
You are choosing to be the victim here.
I could handle an intake and you know it.
Ladies, teacup chain.
Good.
And walk to the middle and back.
All right, very good.
Very good, ladies and gentlemen.
So we'll see you all at the same time next week, okay? Be safe getting home.
Morning, folks.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Goddamn it, why hasn't anyone answered the door? Where is Mom? Okay, if you haven't slept with that guy yet, would you start? Because I think it would do you a world of good.
Don't do that.
- Do what? - Watch me like that.
I can't help it.
You're beautiful.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
- I want to go camping again.
- Then go camping.
- With you.
- I've got a job now, Hiram.
I can't just up and leave whenever I feel like it.
Spring is a very busy time of the year.
It's our anniversary tomorrow.
The first time we went camping was two years ago tomorrow.
We don't have anniversaries.
- I never agreed to anniversaries.
- Just you and me alone in the woods.
Naked under the stars.
Just like it was at the beginning.
Tomorrow is such short notice.
I can't promise anything.
But I'll try.
My mom wants to know how quickly we can do this.
Well, I'd suggest a viewing in two days to allow proper restoration.
Viewing? For friends, family.
You can make it as small or as large as you wish.
No, I can't see him in a box.
I can't.
All right.
Ms.
Dimas, seeing your son before you bury him might help you to let go.
No, I don't want to see him! Of course.
We'll arrange for a closed-casket ceremony.
Will three days give you enough time? Yeah, that's gonna be fine.
- Nate will show you to the door.
- Thanks.
What happened? A 6-year-old found a gun and was playing with it.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Yeah.
They gave me this at the hospital.
It's some sort of receipt.
I don't know I don't know if you need it, but What was he doing here? - Gabe.
- It's okay.
Hey.
My brother just told me.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know where else to go.
My grandmother's funeral was here.
Yeah, of course.
My mom's waiting for me to unlock the car.
I thought we were supposed to encourage people to have a viewing.
Well, sometimes people don't want that.
Well, sometimes you don't want to work any harder.
When faced with the option of not having to restore a child's head that's been blown to bits, yeah, I don't want to do that.
Do you? We can't force someone to do something they're not ready to do because we think it's the right thing.
Because it will make us feel better.
- Can I help you? - Roses are if you love somebody, right? Roses are the classic choice, but other flowers could achieve the same effect.
What if you were gonna ask her to marry you? Oh, how lovely.
Well, roses would be the perfect choice.
But she turned out to be a cheating coward and ran off with some shithead that she met at traffic school.
What color would you give a coward? - Yellow.
Yellow.
- Great.
Twelve dozen yellow roses sent to this address, please.
- What would you like the card to say? - "Fuck you, cunt.
" I think it would be more personal if you write that.
Yes.
Yes.
I have to take the day off tomorrow and Saturday.
Why? I was supposed to have plans with a friend and I forgot.
Is it with that man? The one with the funny little car that picks you up? It's an electric car and it's very good for the environment.
- Why are you laughing? - Because you are not.
- You like this man? - Can I have the days off or not? Take! Go, I don't care.
We will miss you.
Beep, beep.
Beep, beep.
- Brenda? - Hey there.
I'll be right out.
I just got out of the shower.
- How was work? - It sucked.
Like I figured, I failed that funeral director's test.
There was this intake meeting this morning I totally fucked up.
And I just picked up a dead All in all, it's been a pretty bad day.
Goddamn it! Sometimes I feel like I don't have any fucking idea what I'm doing.
It's like I made this bullshit decision to go into this business for all the wrong reasons and now it's too late.
- It's never too late.
- Jesus, Billy.
What, do you live here now? No, Brenda just gave me a shiatsu.
I've been kind of tense lately.
So - Bad day? - Yeah.
- Well, I've had my share of those.
- Well, I don't doubt that.
I don't really feel like cooking, so you guys decide what we're having delivered.
That shit was all over the news.
Six years old, right? Fuck! Some people should just not be allowed to have kids.
She just sat there like a ghost.
Just like she'd been erased.
- I felt so fucking helpless.
- Oh, God.
That poor woman.
There's a tribe in Nigeria that throws a dead baby's body into the bush because they believe if buried the dead infant would offend the earth gods which bring fertility and food.
The Chinese consider the death of a child a bad death.
The parents and grandparents aren't expected to go to the funeral.
Or the Balinese mother who's counseled to be cheerful after her infant's death because grief makes one vulnerable to illness and malevolent demons.
Well, that was informative.
Yeah, I thought it'd be good to read up on your boyfriend's line of work.
What a man does is Well, it's who he is.
Right, Nate? Yeah.
A man should know the history of his chosen profession if he expects to be anything but an amateur.
- So I'm an amateur.
- I prefer the term dilettante.
And what are you, Billy? Running around with your camera, taking pictures of people's lives? Boys.
You think knowing a bunch of arcane National Geographic shit is gonna help me cope with a 6-year-old who shot himself in the head? There are plenty of places in the world where a kid dying is pretty common.
But we can't deal with it, because a dead child is the greatest failure of a culture that believes it's reversed the order of nature.
This was an accident.
This wasn't nature.
You know what I find interesting? If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow or a widower.
If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan.
But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that's just too fucking awful to even have a name.
- I was worried you weren't gonna show.
- I just got tied up at work.
Believe me, I need this after the day I had.
This ought to help.
- Oh, what is it? - X.
Ecstasy.
- You ever done it? - No, can't say that I have.
You're gonna love it.
- Are you gonna take one too? - I'm already there.
Let's dance.
- I'm not a very good dancer.
- You will be.
David.
David.
Here, you gotta keep drinking this.
She was only 63.
That's so young.
Isn't that young? Have you thought about what kind of funeral you'd like for your mother? It has to be beautiful.
It has to be beautiful.
Well, we can offer you a wide variety of services ranging from simple to more formal to To anything you might need.
Yes, anything at all.
It's a good thing I was there, you know? I mean, Gabe was so wrecked I was the one who had to trash his weed.
Seriously, if the police found that shit, it'd be way worse, you know? - Hey, Andy.
- Hey.
- How's Gabe? - He's okay, I guess.
- Well, have you talked to him? - Not really.
Well, are you gonna see him later? I don't know.
It's real weird over there.
- The mother's, like, all freaked.
- Yeah, but what about Gabe? Look, Morticia, I'm not interfering.
It's too much to get into, you know? - I thought you were his friend.
- Why don't you fuck off, bitch? If you're so worried, why don't you go fuck him again? That'll cheer him up.
Nice, that's nice.
Yeah.
By the way, Parker told me how one of your testicles is, like freakishly small, like a peanut.
- Is that true? - That's not true.
For later.
- You have a headache, dear? - Yeah, I thought I did.
I'm throwing in a load of laundry if you need some done.
By the way, I'm going camping with Hiram this weekend.
- I'm leaving this afternoon.
- Great.
I'm doing whites first.
- Fuck.
David, David.
- David.
David? David! David? Are you all right? You look pale.
No, I'm fine.
It's just a headache, that's all.
Okay, you're in this, like, total danger zone.
Gabe Dimas is a dick.
I'm sorry his brother's dead, but don't think that means he's not a dick.
I just haven't seen him around, so I was worried.
If you hook up with him now, it's gonna be like total emotional rape.
Whatever he feels for you is gonna be wrapped up in some guilt-grief fuckfest.
You better stay away from that shit.
I'm not kidding.
So you failed a test.
Big whoop.
You want to be helpful to the people that walk in through your door so you have to be one of those people.
Okay.
I chose three funeral homes from the yellow pages at random.
I've always felt an uncontrolled sample group provides more reliable data.
What, you want us to pretend to be purchasing a funeral? Look up the first address.
I think it's in Sherman Oaks.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Hello? Gabe? Is anybody home? Oh, Mrs.
Dimas, I'm sorry.
The door was open.
Is Gabe around? - We can still leave.
- Why? What are you afraid of? Humiliating myself, wasting someone's valuable time.
Don't be so left-brained.
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
Now, how can I help? It's my parents.
They were killed this morning in an accident.
I'm terribly sorry.
It was a A helicopter went down and there was an explosion.
Oh, God.
I can't do this.
It's not right.
They were in the prime of their lives.
Everybody dies.
We all die.
Everything we ever care about will disappear.
So, what's the fucking point of living? Can I suggest matching caskets? That's it? That's what you have to offer me in my time of grief? Merchandise? We have nothing to learn here.
Water purifier.
Rope.
Bear bell.
Flashlight.
Toilet paper.
And, yes, it's biodegradable.
Bird caller.
Binoculars.
I'm sure you have everything.
I know you have everything.
You always do.
It wouldn't be fun to get up there and realize we forgot the matches, would it? Or the champagne.
Hiram, that's just decadent.
Was it expensive? We shouldn't waste it.
Waste it? It's our anniversary.
Claire, you're home early.
You remember Hiram.
Hi.
- How was school? - I have a headache.
Hiram and I are going camping.
Your dinner's in the refrigerator and I'll be back tomorrow.
It's a very beautiful time of the year.
Okay.
Well, you two have fun.
We should probably leave if we want to beat the rush-hour traffic.
Ruth? Honey, what's wrong? My children don't need me anymore.
Let's think of this as a celebration of your uncle's life.
Now, the Titan is an excellent choice for a distinguished gentleman.
It's solid mahogany.
It's hand-finished.
Burlwood and nickel accents.
And Grace Field Grace Field is a lovely place for interment.
It's serene.
It's pastoral.
How much? Well, after you sign the contract, we take care of everything.
There's no worry.
There's no pain.
How much? It comes to just under $20,000.
You're charging $ 12,000 for the Titan? What is that, like a 300 percent markup? I could come down to 10.
And Grace Field is in between a power station and a freeway.
There are nicer cemeteries.
But they're just a little bit more expensive.
No, thanks.
We'll try and find somewhere that doesn't just want to swindle us.
Nice tie.
- This business is a total racket.
- What business isn't? You know, sometimes I wish I could be this completely selfish asshole that didn't give a shit about anything and I could just work at some mindless job that paid me a fuckload of money.
- No, you don't.
- It would make my life a lot easier.
You don't want your life to be easy.
Gabe? Hi.
I didn't know if anybody was home.
Did you ring the bell? I just I came by to drop off this stuff.
Okay.
It's my brother's soccer clothes.
I thought that he might like to get buried in them.
You think that's okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's really nice.
I went to your house.
You see my mom? Yeah.
Just like a zombie.
Just sits there.
I don't know why she blames herself.
It's my fault.
I killed him.
Gabe, no.
It was an accident.
It wouldn't have happened if I'd been watching him.
My mom can't even find Anthony's dad to tell him what happened.
Probably moved.
We haven't seen him in, like, two years.
Oh, that sucks.
He's a fucking drunken dipshit.
He used to kick my ass just to prove he could.
You know when people would call you those things like "cemetery girl" and "Vampira"? Yeah.
I never thought that was funny.
I should go.
Would you just make sure your brother gets these? Of course.
Hey, look.
If you need anything, like to talk or something, you can call me.
All right.
- Where do you want to hang the food? - Can't it wait till after dinner? I've already taken out what we're going to eat.
I'd rather not risk it.
I'm sorry it's inconvenient but would you prefer we were mauled in our sleep by bears? Ruth? You need to relax.
Hello, I'm Rosemary.
How can I help you? Hi.
I need to make arrangements for a funeral.
All right.
My wife's in the restroom.
She'll be out in a minute.
- Can I ask who the funeral is for? - It's for me.
Bet you don't get too many people shopping for their own funeral.
It happens.
Most people who know they're going to die want to have a say.
Planning it with your husband could be a meaningful process for you both.
- Is it cancer? - Yeah.
It's everywhere.
Liver now.
- Brenda.
- My husband hates me doing this.
He wants me to spend this time doing things I always dreamed of but never gave myself permission to Pardon me.
The coughing blood and pissing needles thing kind of gets in the way.
- He just wants you to be happy.
- He just doesn't want me to die.
Okay, it's just too fucked up, Brenda.
I can't do it.
I can't.
- He's not ready.
- It's hard for him.
Probably harder than it is for you.
That was the most fucked up thing you've ever done to me.
- Sorry.
- That was like the shit you pulled on those doctors to get a rise out of them.
- Are you gonna start barking at me? - I might.
- What you did just now was not funny! - Well, it wasn't meant to be.
You counsel people about death every day, Nate when death is what you're most afraid of.
- What's wrong with this picture? - Of course I'm afraid of it.
- What sane person isn't? - I'm not.
Yeah, well, I said, what sane person.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up? - Nothing, I just I just wanted to talk to somebody.
- What are you doing tonight? - I don't know.
What are you doing? You.
Shit.
Fuck! Shit.
- What are you looking for? - Aspirin.
I know there was a bottle of aspirin in here.
Yeah, I took some earlier.
You did? Are you okay? Yeah, why? You found it, didn't you? You found it and kept it for yourself.
- What's going on with you? - Nothing.
You're wearing my shirt.
- Fuck! - What is this, like a date? Sort of.
No way, you're dating the square-dancing guy? - Weird.
- Weird why? No, I get it.
He's hot in a kind of generic, Banana Republic kind of way.
- Claire, I really need that aspirin bottle.
- David, I really don't have it.
- What was in there? - He gave me some pills.
Now I'll have to say, "Sorry, I lost them because I'm this old-guy geek and I'm completely uncool in this world in which you seem to thrive you perfect distillation of human evolution.
" Okay, is this split personality thing like, something that happens when Mom goes out of town? Because I like you like this way better.
- Dinner was delicious.
- Food just tastes better outdoors.
Remember what we ate the first time we went camping? No.
- Pork chops with fire-roasted vegetables.
- Oh, yes.
The sky was so clear that night.
Just like tonight.
Did you know you're not supposed to go camping if you're menstruating? - What? - It's true.
My husband buried a young woman once.
She went on a camping trip.
She was menstruating.
A bear smelled the blood and killed her in her sleeping bag.
Killed one of her friends too.
But we only buried her.
Not the friend.
I'm glad we're seeing each other again.
Me too.
It's nice.
- What's wrong? - I've got a little bit of a headache.
I'm sorry I forgot those pills.
That's no big deal.
You can be my drug tonight.
So, what's with the guy who's been staring at you since we got here? Shit! That's Keith.
We dated.
- He's pretty hot.
You guys still friends? - Not really.
- Why not? I'm friends with my exes.
- Why doesn't that surprise me? He's coming over.
Is he into three-ways? He's a cop, so don't mention the drugs or anything.
- Sure, Dad.
- David.
- Keith, hi.
How's it going? - Good.
It's going good.
This is the last place I'd ever expect to see you.
Yeah.
Well, it was Kurt's idea.
Kurt, this is Keith.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Kurt teaches square dancing.
Tried to get David to go dancing when we were together.
Told me he didn't even like to dance.
Thanks.
- Eddie, this is David and - Kurt.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
- So how'd you guys meet? - Eddie's an EMT.
Met on the job.
Newlyweds in a car crash.
He saved the bride right in front of me.
- What about the groom? - Didn't make it.
The bride had eternity with the man she loved right in front of her then you go save her and she ends up left behind, alone.
That's one way of looking at it.
Well, it's good to see you.
- Yeah, nice meeting you.
- You too.
Well, of course he's dating Mr.
Fucking Super Guy ER.
I bet they have great sex, I mean, with the uniforms and all.
I dated a cop once.
Total control freak.
Now, firemen on the other hand Is dating an excuse for you to figure out who you wanna be when you grow up? I don't know.
Is dating like an excuse for you to see who you wished you'd been when you were my age? - Let's get out of here.
- Why? Come on.
David.
Wait, David.
Look - Who was that? - Just a guy I know.
He wants to go home with us.
- I don't think so.
- Come on, you'll love him.
- I promise, he's a total fuck machine.
- I said, no.
Why not? Why are you taking this so seriously? Because I'm a serious guy.
I bury people for a living.
Well, that shit's in your head.
Yeah, you're right.
That shit is in my head.
Look, go.
Have fun.
I'm just too I'm sorry that I can't I'm sorry.
Bye.
You really spooked me, Bren.
What? The idea of me dying? Well, yeah.
I will die someday.
We die, Nate.
We all die.
Hello? You certainly took your sweet time getting here.
- You'll ruin that shirt.
- Who cares? What, you're hitting on me now? Two guys aren't enough, you slut? Oh, dear.
I suppose I owe you an apology.
- Why? I'm dead.
- Yes, but I was seeing Hiram before you I was gone long before I died.
You'd like Hiram.
He's kind.
He makes me laugh.
- I got my money on the florist.
- Oh, heavens no, Nathaniel.
The man is a complete savage.
Oh, God.
This is the hearse that was always stalling, isn't it? Remember after that funeral in Malibu for that jazz musician? We broke down on the side of the PCH and we made love in the back.
If this baby could talk.
Nathaniel, what happened to us? We were so in love once.
Life happened to us.
I buried hundreds of people and we watched each other grow old.
- But we're not old.
- Well, technically speaking I'm as old as I'm ever gonna get.
We were such children when we met.
Then we watched those children disappear.
Damn it! Stalled again.
Won't go forward.
Won't go back.
Well, these can't be helping.
No tears.
- I miss what we had.
- So find it again.
What a beautiful day.
You should have woken me up.
I thought you could use the sleep after the night we had.
You've never been that passionate with me before.
Thank you for a wonderful night.
- Last night? - You were spectacular.
What? - Do I just sit anywhere? - Wherever you'd like.
- Nice suit.
- Thank you.
Bought it last week.
You need more than one suit to be a funeral director.
No, you need to pass a test first.
You just can't let go of that, can you? - I failed the first time I took it.
- You did not.
Yes, I did.
I fuck up a lot more than you might think.
I fuck up a lot.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- How are you holding up? - Okay, I guess.
It's just weird.
Why are you being so nice to me? - You little bastard! - Sam, we didn't think you'd show.
- Stop it! - Stop! Leave him alone! I'm gonna kill you, you useless fuck! Okay, everybody calm down.
Probably wasted out of your mind, whacking off! Let my kid shoot himself! You're gonna blame him? Where the fuck were you for the past two years? All right, just take it easy.
- Everything all right? - Yeah.
- Don't worry about it, I'll deal with it.
- Thank you.
Who the fuck was that little bitch out there? That's my sister.
You should warn her.
Gabriel has been a fuckup his whole life.
When I lived there, he used to drive his mother nuts with all the shit that he'd do.
Staying out all night.
No fucking responsibility.
- That's my kid who's dead.
- I know.
It was my gun.
I bought it for Vickie.
Because I was gonna leave for a while, you know? Go up north for a job.
Make some extra money.
How could he let something like this happen? It's not right.
It's just not fucking right! Jesus, he was 6! Everybody dies.
Some of us live to be 100, some never make it through the first day.
That's just a fucking fact of nature, pal.
Who the fuck do you think you are? You can punch as many people as you want.
It's not gonna change the fact that boy is dead.
And your chance to be in his life is over.
Did you use that time well or did you just piss it away? And your own fucking life is a ticking clock too.
Everybody's is.
- Mom, you're home.
I was worried.
- Worried, why? - Did you have a good time? - Oh, David, you must go camping.
It's so spectacular up there right now.
Spring is such a full time.
So much color, so much detail.
And the smells.
It's like nothing else.
And you're okay? No sickness, no headaches? Oh, no.
I had one on the trip but I took some aspirin and it just disappeared.
Yes, well, aspirin is damn good stuff.
How was the service? There was a fight that broke out, but I let Nate take care of it.
I'm glad you boys are working so well together now.
Claire, you look terrible.
Are you not feeling well? I'm just a little wrecked.
We buried my friend's brother today.
He's your friend? I had no idea.
Yeah.
He's the foot guy.
Oh, my God.
Good night.
There's so much you wish you could protect your children from.
Night, Mom.
Night, dear.