Sledge Hammer! s01e09 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
- What's the problem, Officer? - Your taiI-light is out.
What you gonna do? Give me a warning? Yeah.
A warning shot.
Thank you for your cooperation.
'This story just in.
'Recently released criminaI George M Nazar was found shot to death in his parked car.
'This makes three murders of freed felons in the past month.
'Now here's Carolyn ' What a nice way to start the day.
'The weather ' I've been waiting 15 minutes to see Captain Trunk.
Don't you realise who I am? Lady, be reasonable.
We're busy here.
I'm filing a complaint against each one of you.
What is your name? Winston Churchill.
- And I'm Art Linkletter.
- Very funny.
I demand some service.
Calm down, woman, these are cops, not maitre d's.
What is your name? I want a straight answer.
- Sledge Hammer.
- That's it.
You bought it, mister.
Inspector, the captain's waiting to see you.
- You go in there, I'm following you.
- Fine.
I can't stop you.
I'm sorry for your bad experience, Miss Collins.
Ms Collins.
Is this any way to welcome your new district attorney? - I'm sure the disrespect was unintentionaI.
- Not intentionaI.
There's an overgrown adolescent out there playing pranks when someone asked for directions.
This cretin walked me into the men's room.
Captain, Hitler's widow was out there looking for you.
- I see you found him.
- Inspector Sledge Hammer.
This is District Attorney Evelyn Collins.
That's all we need, a woman DA.
Whoo! Did you spray your perfume on with a crop duster? - Phew! - Hammer.
Please.
You must admit.
- Let's get down to business, Miss Collins.
- That's Ms.
The district attorney is here because in the last month three released criminals have been gunned down, apparently by vigilantes.
- So? - We have a serious problem here.
- Why, did some of them live? - You're not helping.
Each victim was killed within one day of exoneration.
Drug pusher Rudy Mednick, released this morning, may be the next victim.
- How did he beat the rap? - Got the lawyer with the best commerciaI.
We'd better find Mednick before the vigilantes do.
So we can put a target on his back.
We wouldn't want the vigilantes to miss.
Mr Hammer, I want Mednick found, I want him protected.
Then I'll bring the vigilantes to triaI.
I want you and Doreau to cooperate with Miss Collins.
We will, sir.
- ReaI nice meeting you, Miss Collins.
- That's Ms.
Good day, Mister Hammer.
That's Mr-r-r.
We don't have much on this Rudy Mednick.
Wait a minute.
Seems to frequent massage parlours.
Great.
It'll take us years to find him.
There's over a thousand massage parlour joints in the city.
No, he goes there just for a massage.
Oh, there's only about three of those.
Yoo-hoo! - May I help you? - Yes.
Rudy Mednick here? - We're police officers.
- May I see some identification? Oh, sorry.
That doesn't look like you.
Oh, you're cute.
Rudy's in the back.
Steam room number two.
Hammer, wait.
We can't go in there with our clothes on.
- If we go in the steam - Stop nagging, will you, Doreau? It's just steam.
Come on.
We got a piping hot slimeball to protect.
Sledge Hammer, how are you? Hey, leave me alone.
What have I done wrong? You were born, scumsucker.
- I really think we should do this outside.
- Don't push me, Doreau.
I've already been bossed around by one woman today.
Come on, slimeball.
I've got orders to take you downtown and protect you.
There's a bunch of vigilantes out there shooting people nobody likes.
- And you're next on the list.
- Why am I next? I guess they couldn't find Pee Wee Herman.
Now, get your clothes on.
'Inspector Sledge Hammer, there's a call for you and your partner.
It's urgent.
' Must be the department.
Doreau, that hemline violates regulations.
It was a steam bath, Hammer.
Look at your suit.
- Hello? - Nice pants.
Hello? Hey, I don't want to have anything to do with you cops.
I can get you thrown outta here.
I got a lifetime membership.
It just expired.
Thank you for your cooperation.
- Whoever it was just hung up.
- I was hanging up a few minutes ago.
Wait.
If any more steam gets on that outfit, you won't have a place to pin your badge.
Well, you would have a place, but it would be painfuI.
Mednick, you're hurt.
All right, who did this to you? You can't talk? Can you type? Can you type with one finger? What are you doing? Trying to say something? What are you trying to say? You shot? You shot? That's bad grammar.
Now, tell me by whom.
Peace? Peace now? Hippies did this? What are you trying to say? I'm no good at charades.
OK.
Start over.
Victory.
V is for victory.
I got it! You got shot by a guy holding a cigar.
What? You're having trouble breathing? I got one.
OK.
Keep going.
What? You didn't get shot.
They used karate.
No.
You're saluting.
So you got shot by navaI recruiters.
What? Something smells bad? You're dying.
You're dying on the vine.
You're dead.
Dead? Mednick.
They hung up.
I went back down.
The guy's going, "Two two " I don't know what he meant.
Then he was dead.
The vigilantes must have paged us.
They know our every move.
Doreau, phone the district attorney and tell her what's happened.
Hammer, I wanna talk to you in private.
I have discovered something quite shocking.
These shell casings were found at the scene of every shooting.
Recognise them? That's a.
38 speciaI.
It's a police issue.
I'd say 1984 vintage.
An amusing year.
- You can tell that by biting a bullet? - Absolutely.
Want to try? - No.
- Go ahead.
Try it.
All right.
See? You discovered there was some powder left in that bullet.
Hammer, you have properly identified these as police issue.
That tells you the vigilantes are what? Cops! They're two cops.
Two cops.
That's what Mednick was trying to tell me.
Listen, I'm terrible at charades, but in my defence, he was a terrible mime.
He was, "Two two V V " Hammer, these dirty cops are acting as judge, jury and executioner.
- Bet they've put in for overtime.
- I want you to infiltrate this group.
We'll use Doreau as a selling point.
If she believes you've gone bad, gotten worse, I believe those vigilantes will enlist you in no time.
Why don't we start a fight? Stage it.
Really, we'll come to blows.
Here.
Right in front of everybody.
It's not a bad idea.
Why don't I like it? - Is anybody gonna get hurt? Are you sure? - No, it's play-acting.
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
- Are you ready? - Wait.
Let me just think Agh! Hammer What's going on? - Hammer, I gave you an order.
- I'm not going after vigilantes.
- I think they're doing a good job.
- What's going on between you two? Agh! Come on! - Think they're buying it? - You're not giving me anything to work off.
- Don't you know about good acting? - I know this isn't it.
What Look, we gotta give 'em a big finish.
I gotta hit you like I'm trying to kill you.
- OK, pull your punch.
I'll do the rest.
- Trust me.
- I - Don't say that.
Get up.
- You OK, Captain? - Let's get him up.
You're an animaI, Hammer.
You're as bad as those vigilantes.
- Could you say that a little louder? - What? You said I'm no better than those vigilantes, right? - Stay away from me.
- Get him out of here.
Looks like we just found a new recruit.
Hammer, you told me you knew how to pull a punch.
I did pull it.
If I'd hit you full force, you'd have landed in that parking lot.
- You're lucky I didn't ad-lib.
- I guess it was all for nothing, huh? Oh, no way, Jose.
That's why I wanted to talk to you.
When I got home last night, I found this slipped under the door.
I think the vigilantes are trying to contact me.
- Have they made you a member yet? - I think they're still checking on me.
They might be watching you right now.
That's right.
That's right.
They might be watching me right now.
- What are you doing? - I'm keeping up the act.
Well, stop it.
Hammer, after you infiltrate that group, I want you to get the names of every man in the vigilante group.
You understand me? No! Yes, of course I do.
Hey, what's going on here? - Hey, who let you jokers in? - Your landlady.
- Why? Cos you're cops? - No, because we told her we'd beat you up.
And she wonders why she can never get a date.
I'll tell you something.
If I open my refrigerator and find one bite of casserole gone, you're both dead.
All right.
The reason we're here is to invite you to join a clandestine group whose members right wrongs through force and aggression.
Oh, I'm already a registered Republican.
- No, the vigilante squad.
- Right.
We're prepared to invite you to a meeting of our group.
Tonight.
Well, I don't know.
I usually spend Tuesday night playing bridge with the girls.
If it's catered, that would make a big difference, but A blindfold, huh? I haven't worn one since I dated a girI in the WeightWatchers.
Fellow vigilantes, I bring before you a potentiaI member, Sledge Hammer.
Hi, guys.
Where's the pinata? - You wear that till we're sure of you.
- I bet you guys are all naked, right? - Stop playing the fooI.
- I'm no fooI.
My loss of sight heightens my other senses.
For example, I can tell that you are a Caucasian woman, weighing approximately 112 pounds, in her late 30s.
Am I right? - Get this guy away from me.
- Sit him down.
We'll ask the questions, Hammer.
Your views on reading a suspect his rights? I prefer to read him his last rites.
Know what I mean? - Your views on the death penalty? - It's too lenient.
There's the possibility of reincarnation.
- Can we go on to the lightning round? - The question period is over.
Good.
Then I choose Bachelor Number Two because he sounded more fun.
Shut up.
It's time for your initiation.
You have the privilege of killing District Attorney Evelyn Collins.
She's been speaking out against our cause and needs to be silenced.
- Can't you just shush her? - It's all planned.
She's working late tonight.
You're to terminate her with extreme prejudice.
Do you have any reservations about shooting a woman? Do you have to make reservations? - Escort him out of here, will you? - Thank you.
I will escort myself out.
I've memorised the location of every object in this room.
I can retrace my steps perfectly.
- What is the meaning of this? - Miss Collins - That's Ms.
- Just listen to me.
I've discovered the identity of the vigilantes.
- They're cops.
- This can't be.
- Police? - That's right.
I also found out who the next victim is.
- It's you.
- Me? - Oh, my God.
- There's more.
You see, they want me to join them and part of my initiation is to assassinate you.
- Good Lord! - Wait.
That's not the worst of it.
The worst of it is that I'm going to do it.
Congratulations.
You've passed the test.
Your willingness to pull the trigger makes you one of us.
As a precaution I was wearing a bulletproof vest underneath my clothes.
- It's figure-flattering.
- Touche.
I loaded my gun with blanks.
You see, I knew that you were the leader of this group, Ms Collins.
- How could you know? - A blindfold makes a man's senses acute.
It made the smell of your perfume in your living room almost unbearable.
You fascinate me, Inspector Hammer.
What do you say we go back to mine and get to know each other better? Hey, don't touch me there without a written permission.
Now, you behave yourself and maybe I'll show you my appendix scar.
Nice set of weapons.
Stocking up for a war? You seem surprised.
A woman can be as nihilistic as a man.
I'm not interested in the ERA.
I'm into the NRA.
- Why have you got a bullwhip? - My father was a riding master.
You wouldn't happen to have a list of the other guys in the organisation? Forget them.
Let's talk about you.
- What about that? - My father killed that deer when I was little.
Oh.
So he was a hunter? No.
A bad driver.
Of all the officers I've recruited, there's something appealing about you.
It's your callous disregard for human rights, your savage instinct, your chauvinism, your inability to treat women as equals.
Yeah, I'm quite a catch.
Would you excuse me for just one moment? I'd like to get out of my work clothes.
Make yourself at home.
Yeah, maybe I could get some broads to come over, huh? Looks like you and me are the only sane ones here.
Come on, let's get that list for Captain Trunk.
I'm feeling more at home already.
Sledge, could you come up here? I have a surprise for you.
Let me guess.
You got a funhouse mirror above your bed? Well, what do you think? I knew justice was blind but I didn't know it was tacky.
You like? How does my body compare with the others you've encountered? It's hard to say.
I have to see you with the tag on your toe.
Won't you join me? I saw the last DA wearing an outfit just like that.
What a freak he was, let me tell you.
By the way, that list you asked about is over there on the table.
OK, little lady, the jig's up.
Now you're really in hot water.
You and your friends have a date downtown, Miss Collins.
That's Ms.
I never trusted you for an instant, Inspector Hammer.
You could put somebody's eye out with that thing.
There are blanks in your gun.
Why are you shooting? Force of habit.
You men are all alike.
Every one of you wants the same thing from me.
Yeah, to get the hell outta here.
I'm having a difficult time relaxing around you, lady.
Besides that, you're a lousy shot.
- Another miss.
- That's Ms.
You used me.
You led me on.
I could have loved you.
You women! Give you a little power and you freak out.
I remember when my wife got her first credit card.
It's useless.
That gun is just for decoration.
- You're such a tease.
- We could have made quite a team.
Since I can't have you, I'm going to have to kill you.
- What if I promise not to date? - Freeze! Or you lose 20 pounds the hard way.
- How did you get here? - I followed you.
You didn't think you'd convince me with that bad acting? I told Trunk I had nothing to work off.
Did you really think a woman could get the best of me? I'm nobody's fooI.
I belong to everyone.
Drop it, Hammer.
How do you guys keep showing up like this? Do you beam down or something? It's all over, Hammer.
History justifies the vigilante.
I'm going to prosecute you.
You convinced everyone you were a rogue.
It'll be my word against yours.
Freeze! Nobody move! I'm prepared to shoot everyone in this room except Doreau.
Collins, your wild feminine emotionalism is no match for the cooI mentaI resources of the average male.
You see that now? Captain Trunk, would you please tell Ms Swimsuit here how you untangled that web of assorted clues that led you to this house? I live next door.
I heard the shooting and ran over here to see what was going on.
Well, well, well Ms Collins.
Is there anything you'd like to get before we book you? There is one last thing.
- Come on, lady, let's go.
- Move it out.
Come on.
Get going.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just sad.
It's really sad.
Yeah.
She ruined a promising career.
No, she was the best first date I ever had.
The newspaper says the verdict from Ms Collins' triaI came in yesterday.
- I hope she gets 20 years.
- She got no years.
She defended herself and got off on a legaI technicality.
I hear she ranted and raved about you during the hearing.
Well, it's understandable.
It's tough getting over a guy like me.
Sledge! If I can't have you, no one will.
No one.
I'll get you for what you did to me! I'll get you, Hammer! See what I mean?