Son of a Critch (2022) s01e09 Episode Script

1
My father and I didn't play hockey
or fix cars to bond.
We read the paper.
The old man was his own search engine.
Oh, hell of an article here
about the feds. Scissors.
He had stacks of newspaper clippings
that he would reference
to write stories.
I, too, mined the headlines for fodder.
Hell of a good joke in
this drabble cartoon.
Scissors?
Mom and Pop got the
news in a different way.
Oh, Jean got a cab to work today. Hmph!
I heard she had a date
with an oil rig worker.
I bet she left her car
downtown last night,
and we all know what that means.
Hey, mail truck stopped
at the O'Connors.
- What's the date? 5th?
- Mm
It's not the old age pension.
Ah welfare cheques are out.
Poor John O'Conner's been
out of work for months.
He says it's his leg,
but you know what I heard?
- It's his elbow.
- Hmm.
Hey, Mark, stop playing
with your father.
You need to start practicing
for your school play audition,
- hmm?
- Audition?
- What play are you doin'?
- It's the Easter Carol.
It's the story of the
resurrection, told
Through the eyes of the innkeeper
who catered the last supper.
They're still doin' that.
- You know it?
- Know it? I was in it!
I played Hamar, the innkeeper.
My teacher said that I was spectacular.
Yeah. You were a spectacle, you mean.
That play was God awful.
What part are you trying out for, Mark?
Hamar, the innkeeper.
Same part!
I could help you to your run lines.
That's what we actors call rehearsing.
The old man was interested in me!
This was unprecedented.
That'd be great.
Chip off the old block.
Oh, they're not cheques!
- Oh no, it's a package!
- What?
Now, why on earth would
they be gettin' a package?
Oh, well, Mary, make
us a cup o' tea, luv.
Looks like I'll be eating
at the window today.
First thing you gotta
know, acting is pretending.
You might hear people say
that acting is listening.
Don't listen, 'cause
that'll throw you off.
So, that's a table for
thirteen, no reservation,
and you all wanna sit on one side?
Well, I'll see what I
can do, but I'm, hmph,
I'm no miracle worker!
Good! Good! Although
try it a little louder!
You really ha' to
project to your audience.
Pretend that there's a deaf
old man in the back of the room.
- What?
- Nothing.
Now, stand with your feet at
quarter to and quarter after
to open yourself up for your audience.
And it's always a good idea
to address your audience
with a little wave.
Say, "hello, audience!"
Hello, audience! Goodbye, moron!
This play has always sucked.
Never listen to the critics.
Don't mind him. He's just jealous.
We never had a special
bond like you and I have.
I'm so proud of you, son,
and I know you're not gonna let me down.
Now, get in position,
shoulders back,
and hello, audience!
Hello, audience!
- Very good.
- Oh.
Feel the magic in the air?
- Yeah.
- That's show business.
Oh, your timing's off by
a good five years, my luv.
Well, yes, I'm sure.
Elizabeth Critch died in
Dear God! Give me that!
Yes, hello? Uh, yes,
this is Patrick Critch.
You were speaking to my wife, Elizabeth.
Sadly, her mind has gone.
I know, luv, I know.
It's a very sad situation,
but as you can see,
she's very much alive
And stronger than she would appear.
Yeah oh, oh, oh my God!
She's wandering towards
the highway, I better go!
Nanny is dead.
My darling Elizabeth will
always live on close to my heart.
More specifically, her
pension will also live on
in my bank account,
because I didn't report her as dead.
- Oh my God!
- Oh, what's the big deal?!
The government ha' got plenty of money.
They didn't notice Until recently.
Is this the first time
the CRA has called here?
Yeah what do you mean, today?
Jesus in the jungle!
You will put an end to this,
or I will reunite you with your wife
sooner than you thought!
In the gymnatorium,
the nerds and the jocks
were forced to walk the
line between sports and art,
as if they were walking a tightrope.
Which, come to think of it,
is itself both a sport and an art.
Would you kindly keep
your balls to yourself
and away from my stage?
Wha your stage?! This is my gym!
This is St. Brigid's.
- Ball hockey is a religion!
- Ugh!
And my b'ys need practice
just as much as your girls -
and Mark and Ritchie.
What part are you
trying for? Hamar? Casca?
Stage manager! Or maybe props master.
Is it better to be a
manager or a master?
It's better to be a star!
You could try for Casca the centurion?
It's only one line, but you'd be onstage
for almost the whole show.
Nah, you're the actor.
I bet you get the lead;
- you can really work a crowd.
- I'm sure there's plenty
of kids who'll give me
a run for my money
But thank you.
Tina, why don't you start us off?
"Sorry, centurion.
There are no free refills."
Oh, Tina.
I guess her dad never told
her about the deaf old man.
This was a lock.
- Oh! Anything for me?
- Uh let me check.
Bills
- Magazine for
Mom. - Mm-hmm.
- And CPP for you and
- what?!
- Elizabeth Critch.
- Give me that!
- Grandma?
- What do you read my mail for?
- That's a federal offense!
- You asked me to.
Aye, well, why aren't you at school?
Ah, you go on with ya
before I rat you out
for being on the pip.
You're welcome.
What are you goin' on about?
Nothing!
What fresh hell is this?
Lovely, dear.
Who's next? Mark.
Centurion! I recognize
the man you describe!
He's upstairs with a
dozen of his friends.
Cheap bunch.
They ordered one fish, a
loaf, and a jug of water,
and want thirteen different bills.
Go on in! Get those bums out of here!
And the Oscar goes to
It's nice, Mark.
Nice?! I killed it!
She was probably downplaying it
so the other kids wouldn't
feel totally inferior.
Ow!
- That's it! I warned you.
- Ow!
Your ball is mine now, Byrne!
Hey, I need that to finish the game!
And I need more kids for this play.
Whoever shot this ball is in the play
or you're not getting
your ball back, sir.
Yeah, sure, sounds fair.
- Go on, Fox.
- No way! I'm the best player!
Now!
You're dead for this, Critch.
You're the one who hit me!
Come on, up you go.
Move!
They're just poor men!
Why should I have to serve them?
When do I get a break?!
Someone should serve me!
The intensity!
Bravo!
She's amazing.
It was a little big.
What about you, Ritchie?
Oh, Rit-Ritchie's more of a props guy.
Heart of gold, but he
isn't an actor like me.
Oh, he isn't, is he?
He's just not cut out for stage work.
He's a behind-the-scenes guy.
Heart and soul of the operation.
I've made my decision.
Fox will play the innkeeper's wife
and Ritchie will be
Hamar, the innkeeper.
- Me?
- Him?!
But he didn't even audition!
Well, maybe he would have
if you had been more supportive, Mark.
Or should I say, Casca the centurion.
Casca?! But He only has one line
and it it's terrible.
Well, that will give you more time
to learn a lesson about humility.
So I'm, I'm doing this now?
Yes.
Humility Or humiliation?
So How'd the auditions go?
Uh, mm okay, I guess.
Better than okay, I hope,
after all that coaching.
So, did you get it, Hamar?
Actually, I
I wanted to be an actor.
I'm yes, I'm I'm Hamar!
Hamar! Ha-ha!
And after all,
what is an actor but a glorified liar?
- Like father, like son!
- Hmm.
If only Sister Margaret
had seen that performance.
I believe it's true
Mary, look at the way
he carries that plate.
Such authenticity!
I really feel like I'm in a restaurant.
Yes, I can see by the way
you expect to be served.
- Do I have to go to this play?
- No!
Uh, the arts aren't for everyone.
In fact, all o' you
can skip it if you want.
Great!
- I'm going to the movies.
- You'll do no such thing!
Your brother is starring
in a theatrical production.
Dad, it's really not that big a deal.
It is to me.
We are all gonna go see that play,
and I don't wanna hear another
word about it, understood?
Yes.
Good day. Critch residence.
- Elizabeth Critch?
- Hey.
She can't come to the
phone. She's lying down.
One might say She's
dead to the world.
Oh, I see. Yes.
Thank you.
I owe you, Mary.
'Course, I won't be able to pay
you until the next cheque comes.
They wanna talk to her.
- What?!
- That's right.
The CRA needs to confirm her identity
and they're gonna call back tomorrow.
Sweet Jesus!
- What am I gonna do?
- Oh!
Well, I for one,
cannot wait to find out.
Ugh.
Uh uh
I mean, I I have an idea,
because you know how
much Elizabeth loved you.
Yes.
I mean, she told me many
times you were her favourite.
- Mm-hmm. - I mean,
really loved you.
So perhaps I mean
I think you'll agree to this,
it would be very simple if
- You pretend to be Elizabeth.
- Oh, Pop!
Oh, no, no, no. No, i i i
I swear, I swear,
I'll report you -
I mean, her dead next week.
You have my word on it.
Now, Ritchie, I hope
you've memorized your lines.
You're our little star.
Don't worry, Sister.
My dad's been helping me learn them.
Oh, he must be very proud.
As Ritchie's love of the stage grew,
mine faded like a broken spotlight.
Action!
There you are, dear wife!
How goes it in the party room?
Not great, Hamar.
They're all sitting on
the same side of the table.
That table should seat twenty-four!
We need the space,
it's thirsty Thursday!
Ritchie was so bad
that even Sister Margaret
was having trouble
believing in the Bible.
So what'd you think?
Uh very interesting choices.
I mean, I I wouldn't
make them myself,
but who cares what
everyone else thinks, right?
Was it that bad?
Maybe you should just do it then.
Time to steal the spotlight!
I guess. I mean, if
you told Sister Margaret
you really, really don't wanna be Hamar,
I could do it.
You could still do props!
It's a win-win.
Sister!
Mark's trying to get Ritchie
to drop out and do props.
- That's a lie!
- That was the truth.
Since you seem to be having
trouble learning humility,
I'll help you: You're out
of the play altogether.
Uh, I need to learn that humility stuff.
Kick me out, too, Sister!
Please, I'll do anything!
Okay, you can do the job
you're so anxious for Ritchie to do:
Props.
Now, Ritchie, let's take it from the
"No shoes, no service"
foot washing scene.
I like that scene.
And this time, don't be afraid to act.
No shoes, no service.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Come on, will ya?!
The play starts in half an hour!
- What's the hold up?!
- I waiting for a phone call,
but I guess we'd better go.
Mike, get in the car!
- Name?
- Elizabeth Critch.
- Birthday?
- June 29th.
Really? I wasn't even in the ballpark.
- I don't think I can do this.
- Yes, you can!
Nobody better at talking
about other people than you!
You were born for this moment.
Hello?
Yes, this is Elizabeth Critch.
Well, of course I'm alive!
Doesn't it sound like it?
Yes, yes!
June 29th, 1908. I remember
like it was yesterday.
Oh, don't go telling anyone my age
because I still get
carded at the liquor store
when the light is right.
- Oh! Oh, I'm feeling feverish.
- What?
Oh, I'm having Trouble breathing.
Oh, there's a light
and a tunnel, Daddy, is that you?
I am going to the light now, bye!
Wha
I guess that's it.
- Hmm?
- Mm
Hello? Yes.
This is he.
Oh, my wife, uh passed.
So don't send anymore cheques
Unless Elizabeth, are you rallying?
- Just
- No, no, no, um
Dead as a dodo.
Yes, well, have a nice day.
Why bother going to the theatre?
I I mean that was
The best acting I ever saw in this town
was that tonight.
That was brilliant.
Off you go.
Aww, aren't you coming?
No. No,
I have someone I need to see.
Mm.
Opening night.
In mere moments, the curtain would go up
and the spotlight would hit the stage,
illuminating my lies to the world.
I had no idea what my end game was.
Love your dress. Oh,
'scuse me, 'scuse me.
Made it. It's a big night!
Yes, yes. You know, it's not everyday
that your son is the star.
Thank you.
- I know you must be nervous.
- No.
I know you're probably
terrified you'll forget a line.
Nope. I know 'em all.
I can't imagine what's
going on inside your stomach.
I'm getting pizza after.
It was useless. He was unflappable.
And as much as I wanted the part,
I wanted Ritchie to be happy even more.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
And I know you'll be
the best Hamar ever.
- Thanks.
- You're gonna be great.
Just had a look.
There's a load of people out there.
I guess I'll go back to props.
Ritchie had gotten over his stage fright
and discovered his audience fright.
Welcome. Table for one?
Party of thirteen! Judas is the name.
There's more where this came from.
I had been jealous of Ritchie
but, in that moment, I
sure did not wanna be him.
I had been dying to play Hamar,
but Ritchie was dying on stage.
I said, where shall we seat him?
I had to do something.
Ritchie!
"Do you have a reservation?"
Ritchie! Ritchie!
Ritchie! "Do you have a reservation?"
I said, where shall we seat him, Hamar?
This isn't how the play goes.
They're making an arse of it.
- Shhh!
- Oh, shush yourself, ya hussy!
- Will you shut it?!
- Oh, stuff it!
- Shut your face!
- You're always in the middle.
Oh, please.
My best friend needed help!
I couldn't take it anymore.
I had to act. Literally.
Not so fast!
- Stay the hell off my stage!
- Ritchie needs me!
- Where'd he come from?
- Oh my!
At least nobody was
looking at Ritchie anymore.
Hi.
Audience! Welcome to the show!
It is I, Casca, the Roman centurion
who, who also picks
up a couple shifts
here at the restaurant.
I wanted to be a comedian,
so why not be a rodeo clown?
What?!
Who wants bread?
Some would say I was
stalling to help my friend,
others might say I was being a ham.
Either way, this would be the
first last supper scene ever
- with a happy ending.
- Get in here!
Oh nice place you got here.
Ever think of doin' a a theme night?
I guess toga parties would be
Too on the nose.
These weren't the lines
I'd practiced with my father,
but he didn't seem to mind.
Would it!
Get in.
And Ritchie, staying on theme,
he rose again.
- Do you have a reservation?
- Nailed it!
Life is a lot like a play.
We all play different parts,
depending on who we're with.
But there's no pretending
to be someone you're not
- around your family.
- Do you have a reservation?
Yeah, bravo!
Bravo! Take a bow!
Dad turned out to be my biggest fan.
All right, couple o' notes.
And he was the only audience
I ever really wanted.
If you're gonna take a
bow, you really wanna sweep
the floor with your hand,
like that. Give it a try.
A little lower. Always get out there,
and then just bask.
But the real actor in the family
was the one acting like he was tougher
than he really was.
My beautiful girl.