Son of Zorn (2016) s01e09 Episode Script
The War on Grafelnik
1 Ah-ah [Christmas music.]
Ah-ah Ah-ah-ah Oh, my goodness.
This is so adorable.
Is this you and Alan every year? EDIE: Yep, every Christmas morning for the last 17 years, Alan and I would go to Santa's Village in the mall and dress up like mom and son reindeer.
Yep.
It's a really cool thing that I love doing still.
You know, they should change the name of Christmas to "Edie and Alanmas.
" [chuckles.]
But no one is gonna do that because everyone hates my ideas.
[door rattles.]
[door opens, closes.]
Happy Grafelnik! I'm Vengeful Vic.
I bring tidings of joylessness and revenge.
[chuckles.]
Don't freak out, guys.
- It's just me, Zorn.
[chuckles.]
- EDIE: Grafelnik? [exhales.]
You're still celebrating that dumb revenge holiday? Yeah, I went back to celebrating it after we split up.
Now, who wants to give me the traditional Grafelnik punch in the face, huh? - I'll go first.
- Can I go second? I'll go third, but I have a question.
- What is Grafelnik? - Well, as legend has it, a long time ago, Lord Grafelnik was trying to reconnect with his daughter.
But she wanted to study in Europe, where she caught the eye of some dangerous types and ended up getting kidnapped.
The only person who could get her back was Lord Grafelnik himself.
Hey, that sounds like the movie Taken.
No, I'm sure whatever that is, it's totally different.
You see, Lord Grafelnik had a very specific set of skills.
And he used those skills to get revenge while killing, like, everyone and rescuing his precious daughter.
- I am riveted.
- ALAN: Oh, yeah, you should see that movie then; that's the same thing.
The blonde girl from Lost, she plays the daughter.
- Maggie Grace? - ALAN: Hey, so what's in that sack? Oh, yeah, Grafelnik snowballs! [grunts.]
[all gasping.]
Pretty neat, huh? Grafelnik snowballs are rocks.
Grafelnik snowballs are rocks.
[title music.]
So, you excited to spend your first Grafelnik with your old man? You better be, because the revenge - I'll bring upon you if you aren't is horrible.
- ALAN: No, I'm excited all right.
Even though it's kind of like a holiday for the little guy, I feel like I'll still be able to have some fun with it, too.
Mom, you're cool with me doing Grafelnik with Dad, right? Yeah, I think it's great you and your dad have your own thing.
Look at you guys, celebrating both holidays, no fighting.
For a divorced couple, you make a great team.
Go Team Zorn and Edie! Yay! - Yeah, okay, Craig.
- Aye yai yai, Craig.
You know, you never think you need to own pom-poms until you do.
[chuckles.]
I know what I want for Christmas.
[chuckles.]
[whispers.]
: Pom-poms.
EDIE: Hey, Craig, I'm dreaming of a wine Christmas.
[chuckling.]
[dramatic music.]
- I got to go.
- What? Um - What got into him? - ZORN: Yeah.
[door closes.]
If he doesn't have diarrhea, that exit was insane.
Oh, God! Oh, Scott! [whoops.]
You scared a few drops out of me, man.
Badass scooter helmet, right? - Wow.
- Yeah.
This is my Hanukkah night five gift.
Imagine how much you're gonna pee yourself when I get my Vespa night eight.
[whispers.]
: A lot.
- Wow.
- Vroom, vroom.
Vespa, leather jacket, facial hair.
You're, like, more European - than that German exchange student.
- Helmut? - Helmut, Helmut.
- Helmut, that guy rocks.
- I love that guy.
- He's the best.
He just goes like, "Yah.
" - "Yah.
" - God! My mom would never get me something this cool for Christmas.
I desperately need a new phone.
- Like, actually need a new phone, right? - Yeah, it's so old.
- It's a brick.
- What about your dad? Yeah, my dad celebrates something called Grafelnik.
It's like Christmas, but not at all.
I'm supposed to meet up with him later and do, like, revenge or something.
I don't know.
Does it end with him giving you stuff? [scoffs.]
I hope so.
I mean, getting gifts is one of - the top three perks of having parents.
- True.
Happy Grafelnik! [yells.]
[laughs.]
What the hell, Zorn? [laughing.]
I thought we were friends! No, we are; that's why I gave you - the traditional Grafelnik greeting.
- Oh, Grafel Nice.
[chuckles.]
Happy Grafelnik.
Hey! You want to get revenge on me?! [choking.]
I've only been good to you, you stupid idiot.
[phone beeps.]
Zorn on the horn.
Hey, Dad.
Uh [siren wailing in distance.]
I'm at that address you said to go to for the Grafelnik thing.
[horn honks.]
Are you coming? Oh, my God, I can't believe you fell for it.
This is revenge for you crying on all those planes when you were a baby.
Happy Grafelnik, chump! [chuckles.]
Ah, you got me good.
He got me! [horn honks.]
Yeah, uh, you're still coming, right? [sighs.]
- Hey, Edie, we need to talk.
- Okay.
- Sit down? - Oh, it's a sit down talk.
Look, Edie, there are some things about me that you don't know.
- Okay.
- Things that I thought that I could hide forever, or at least until after we were married, and then it would be too late for you to do anything about it.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm afraid of Santa Claus.
[laughs.]
: What? No.
Yeah, Edie, it's true.
It started when I was six, right after my parents separated.
[Christmas music playing.]
My dad came to our house dressed as you-know-who.
But what he didn't know was that my mom's "friend" Hank was there.
I stood there and watched as Santa Claus gave Hank a holly jolly ass-whooping.
It was not pretty.
It was like an outtake from a Tarantino movie.
It was like my Vietnam, without the hookers.
Group of kids coming by singing Christmas carols - they saw it - EDIE: Oh, no.
CRAIG: and they ran.
He finally knocked Hank out with my skateboard, which is why I'm afraid of skateboards, too.
Ever since that moment, whenever I see Santa, I can't help but picture that bloody mess.
Oh Craig.
I'm not gonna lie, a lot of women would be packing their bags right now.
- No! - Yeah.
But maybe I can help you get over your fear.
[chuckles.]
: Oh, right.
You think anybody can just do therapy? Like, it's that easy to be a therapist? No? Sort of? I don't know how to answer that.
But maybe if you tried that immersion therapy thing, where you just surround yourself with the fear, so much so that it takes away the power of it.
You know, that actually might work.
[chuckles.]
Geez, I guess it really is that easy to become a therapist.
Why do I make such a big deal about it? - I don't know, I really don't.
- Oh, mm-mm.
- Too soon? - Mm-hmm.
[silverware clinking.]
Hey, Alangulon, here's your big Grafelnik surprise.
This place look familiar? Yeah, this is that place where that waiter gave me a hamburger instead of a veggie burger.
Let's just say it's time for them to "meat" with some payback.
Ground chuck style.
80% lean.
Yeah, that didn't really land, did it? Should have just left it at ground chuck, right? Here we go! Oh.
[gasps.]
Happy Grafelnik! [people groaning, murmuring.]
[laughs.]
: Oh, oh! Come on, come on, let's get out of here! [both laugh.]
Oh, yeah.
You know what, that was actually, like, a pretty good reason for an animal to give its life.
- Grafelnik is amazing.
- Well, if you like that, you're gonna love Grafelnik morning.
Hope you wrote your letter to Vengeful Vic asking for all the revenge you want.
Question: is it possible to put some things on that list other than revenge? You know, just, like, things you would buy in a retail store? Wh-What, you mean like presents? Oh, I mean, if you want to call them that.
Yeah, well, not in the old days.
But now that they've made it all commercial and everything, gifts are actually exchanged as revenge against poor people - who can't afford gifts.
- Great.
Let me just set a reminder for Grafelnik morning.
[groans.]
Phone is just so difficult to use.
This thing is, like, three years old.
On a new model, which is currently available in stores, you just simply say say, "Set a reminder for Grafelnik morning.
" - Boom! And there.
- Wow, you know, that seems like a lot of steps to still probably forget something.
Uh, it says in the calendar here that Grafelnik is on December 25 this year.
Wait, hold on, Christmas and Grafelnik are on the same day? Well, obviously, there's only one thing to do.
Celebrate Grafelnik and ignore Christmas entirely! EDIE: [scoffs.]
No way.
Why don't we ignore Grafelnik entirely, like everyone else on Earth.
Look, I want to spend Grafelnik with my son.
I mean, every year I have to spend it alone with my slaves.
And believe me, paying people to pretend they love you is not as fun as it sounds.
Okay, you know what, I'm gonna take the high road here.
- Oh, come on.
- Why don't we compromise? [groans.]
- I will take Alan from 7:00 to 9:30.
- I'm not getting up at 7:00.
Then you can have him from 9:30 to noon.
No, no, hold on.
The Grafelnik festivities - start at sunrise and take five hours.
- I have to get up at sunrise now? I mean, what are we supposed to do, cut the glombeast's head half off and just leave it hanging there? [chuckles.]
: It's just, I mean, that would be funny, sure, but actually, you know what, that would be really funny.
We're gonna do that.
But we still need five hours, okay? So you take the afternoon.
My son and I are not brunch people.
- Yeah, and do I get a say here? Huh? - Yeah, Zorn.
- Let's let him decide.
- Who do you want to be with, Alangulon? Let's hear it.
Mull it over.
Come on.
Oh, okay, I guess that kind of backfired.
- I got to think on this one.
- Take your time deciding! Hey, either way, I win.
If he chooses me, I win.
And if he chooses you, well, then I've got someone to seek revenge on, so I win again.
[music.]
Hey, what's in that bin? It's not Santa heads, is it? No.
It's just some precious family memories I want to share with Alan, so he can see - how meaningful our - holiday traditions will be.
When Alan sees how much fun he has spending Grafelnik with me, he's gonna completely forget about Christmas.
I mean, getting revenge on bosses, coworkers, baristas that write "Lorn" on your latte, even though they know damn well no man is named that, I mean, it's just the best.
And what if he doesn't love it as much as you do? Then I'll just remind him about the high suicide rate of fathers who are alone during the holidays.
So you're gonna guilt him into choosing you? I don't think that's such a great idea.
You're not helping Alan by applying pressure.
He's not a hemorrhaging stab wound.
And besides, you said you were gonna take the high road.
Fine, I guess I'll just tell him I have cancer.
- Edie! - Skin cancer.
Not a real cancer, just something that would tip the scales in my favor, you know? Well, as a skin cancer survivor, I think it would totally work.
- But you still probably shouldn't do it.
- Fine.
But trust me, if I know Edie, she's doing the exact same thing.
In fact, right at this moment, she's probably spending - all her energy doing - EDIE [moans.]
: Craig! That was amazing! [sighs.]
- Still think Santa's scary now? - Mm, yes.
But it's gotten complicated.
[scoffs.]
[whistles.]
Are you kidding me? Mom's trying to guilt me with my childhood artwork, and Dad's sending me videos of orgies he's missing out on in Zephyria just to be in America.
Well, Alan, when you're the child of divorce, the holidays can be rough.
When I was a kid, on Christmas, I felt like I was a rope in a game of tug-of-war.
[feminine voice.]
: "Craig, you have to come spend the holidays with us in Ohio.
" [Nigerian accent.]
: "No, Craig, on this day, you come stay with me in Calhoun Falls, South Carolina.
" Whoa.
For me, the holidays was nothing but arguing.
And I could have really taken advantage of their immaturity.
Take advantage? Like how? Oh, you know, pit them against one another.
Use their desire to spend the holidays with me to my own selfish ends.
Oh, like to get better presents? Well, yeah, I mean, I guess that's one example, but it doesn't matter.
Alan, you're a good kid, you would never do something like that.
Oh, no.
Of course not.
I would I would never.
[whispers.]
: Leave Mommy and Hank alone.
- What? - Oh, nothing.
I like the glitter on this one.
Cool giant head, huh? A lot of Zephyrians go with a fake giant head, but you can't beat the smell of the real thing.
Hey, uh, just so you know, I haven't really decided yet, but, um, I'm thinking about doing Christmas with Mom.
Yeah, um, she said she might get me a 4K projector.
- Pretty crazy right? - If you like that, how about a gold necklace that says "Alangulon," that may or may not make you taller? ALAN: Hey, so I'm thinking about spending Grafelnik morning over at Dad's.
Only because he said he was gonna get me some jewelry.
He didn't specify, but I kind of think - it's gonna be magical jewelry, so - He's bribing you with gifts? That's disgusting.
This competition is supposed to be about who loves you more.
Right.
I totally agree.
And I know you feel Christmas is more about spending time together than gifts, so I totally respect that.
Well, get ready to respect me even more, because you're about to get everything you want.
Oh, well, in that case, I guess I better get started on a list.
[chuckles.]
[music.]
Yeah.
Okay, Edie, I can't do this.
Can't we just convert to Judaism? Scott's mom really loves it, and we wouldn't have to do squat on a Friday night ever again.
Honey, you can do this, because I am here for you and I'm not leaving your side [phone vibrating.]
for more than a few minutes.
Alan just added a food processor to his wish list.
[groans.]
Okay, I'm gonna go get this.
- You'll be fine.
- I will not be! I will not be! It's okay, little girl.
I'm just nervous because once, I saw Santa beat up somebody who was having sex with my mother.
It's not true, sweetheart.
Come on.
Come.
- ALAN: I can feel your heartbeat! - SCOTT: I know! That's the best part! Oh! [chuckles.]
Yeah, it's so irregular.
Man, you get the best Hanukkah presents.
I thank Jesus every day Jane told my mom that she'd leave her if she didn't convert.
- How's your Christmas haul coming? - Amazing.
Yeah, I'm totally pitting my parents against each other.
- Yeah? - They're gonna spend so much money on gifts, they're not gonna have enough money left over for my college.
[laughs.]
Nice.
You know what you should do? Get one of your parents to buy you a helmet with a visor.
That way, when I spit when I talk, you won't get hit.
I like that idea, but I'm-a do you one better.
- Get your own scooter? - No, that's, uh, two better.
- Hmm.
- I was thinking a sidecar.
Sidecar? Oh, my God! Yes! We could be like, uh, uh, Gertrude Stein and Alice B.
Toklas! Yeah, or people I know about.
[chuckles.]
But do you think your parents would actually buy you one? I got your big Grafelnik gift a little early.
- You asked and you shall receive.
- Oh! - ZORN: It's a sidecar! - ALAN: What the - Well, it's a hover sidecar.
- I love it! Yup, there's nothing like the feeling of sitting next to someone who's having the time of their lives.
ALAN: Oh, my gosh.
It just stays right there! Well, I can't buy something more expensive or dangerous than this, so I guess you win.
- Whoa! - Edie, don't belittle my holiday and make it about winning, okay? - But yes, I'm very happy that I won.
- ALAN: Thanks, Dad.
- This is so awesome! - You bet, kiddo.
Oh, Edie, if it makes you feel any better, I saw you eyeballing those Grafelnik snowballs the other day, so [grunts.]
- [car alarm blaring.]
Ooh.
- Happy Grafelnik! - Hey.
- If those are more presents - for Alan, we don't need them.
- Nope.
I had to keep buying things so that mall security wouldn't think that I was a pedophile.
Well, I'm glad you're sticking - with the Santa immersion therapy.
- Mm.
At least one of us might have a good Christmas.
Ho-ho hold up.
What is going on here? Alan's spending Grafelnik with Zorn.
[sighs.]
: I don't know how I let myself get caught up in that whole gift competition.
I'm so disappointed in myself.
Well, let's turn that disappointment into an appointment with Dr.
Craig.
[chuckles.]
I prescribe for you - one scoop of tuna.
- Yeah, I don't need tuna.
- I need to apologize to Alan.
- Okay.
I hope that's not the good scooper.
Any scooper with tuna in it is a good scooper.
[chuckles.]
Dude! I got, like, the best gift ever.
My plan worked like a dream.
They had no idea I was totally playing them off of each other.
Yeah, it's as though I were a puppet master and they were just two people I tricked into coming to my dumb puppet show.
[laughs.]
Yeah, who knows, if I play my cards right, next year I could probably get braces.
[laughs.]
- EDIE: Zorn, we need to talk.
- Oh, did you come here for some pointers on how to win at parenting? If so, you came to the right place.
- If not, I'm too busy.
- Alan played us against each other just to get presents.
No way, Edie.
No, he's a good kid.
You know that.
- You raised him.
- I was shocked, too.
He usually gets confused when he tries to lie.
But I overheard him scheming on the phone.
What? You're kidding.
How could we be so blind? Oh, typical Zorn so caught up in winning.
And typical Edie so focused on losing horribly.
I guess we took things too far, didn't we? Or maybe we didn't take them far enough.
What if we work together to teach Alan the real meaning of Christmas, Edie? [scoffs.]
No, thank you.
I was gonna say Grafelnik.
Let's try your Taken thing.
- It's not the same as Taken! - The point is revenge.
Ooh, I like the sound of that.
We need to teach Alan a lesson, and I've got a plan.
Grab that hammer and just start breaking things.
Okay, but you better be going somewhere with this.
Ha-ha! I would have broken the hammer last, but I like your enthusiasm.
[music.]
[zapping.]
[whooping.]
You sure you don't want to go - around the block one more time? - Nah.
Moderation is the key to all aspects of life.
[phone ringing.]
Ooh.
- I'm gonna use the Bluetooth.
- Yeah.
Um - Uh, uh-uh.
- Oh, there it is.
[beep.]
- Yo, Alan on the horn.
- ZORN: Alangulon! I need you to come to my apartment right now! Oh, wow, hey, am I on Bluetooth? That is so cool.
- Everything's ruined! - What? God, that sounds great.
Uh Dad, what happened? It was your mom.
She destroyed everything, including my sense of safety in my own home.
Mom? Why would Wait, no, why would Mom do that? Because of you, Alangulon.
She's been trying to win your love, and she's jealous because I got you that sidecar you wanted.
[scoffs quietly.]
Oh, my God, this is crazy.
You're right, it is crazy as crazy as the blind rage of a jealous mother on a losing streak can unleash.
Which means I have to be even crazier.
Oh, hey, uh, let's not go double-crazy here, all right? - Just - Ah, you know what? If your mom is going to destroy everything I love, I'm gonna destroy everything she loves! - Dad! - No, I mean Christmas.
I'm gonna sack Santa's Village.
You know, at the mall.
Okay.
[scoffs.]
I don't know.
He's not here.
I'm sorry to rush you down here, but he said he was gonna sack Santa's Village, and I'm pretty sure this is the only one he even knows about.
Well, I'm glad we're here.
We can support Craig.
Craig! - ALAN: Oh.
- And don't worry - about your dad.
He's all talk.
- Okay.
[horn blows.]
Surrender, Santa's villagers! I will reduce your village to rubble in the name of Grafelnik! Your snowmen will die! Your reindeer will be slaughtered! And your mall Santas will have their sex offender status revealed! [grunting, kids screaming.]
Get out of the way! [balloon pops, hisses.]
EDIE: Craig, watch out! No, don't help! It's time for me to face my Santa fears alone! ALAN: Dad! Stop it! These mall cops are ex-cops! I only sack at one speed, son: - full.
- EDIE: Don't worry, Alan.
I got this.
[grunts.]
ZORN: So it comes to this.
All I ever wanted was to spend Grafelnik with my son.
EDIE: Yeah, and all I ever wanted was to spend Christmas with my son.
[grunting.]
Ow! Geez, Edie.
And now your bounty will burn as hot as my love for Alangulon.
- What are you doing? - Despite his inability to choose which one of us he loves more.
- This isn't part of it.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait! Stop! - Oopsie.
Too late.
- No! [gasps.]
[laughing.]
Okay, uh, this has gotten totally out of control.
I'm so sorry.
I-I tried to pit you two against each other for presents, and just I'm sorry! That's very sweet, Alangulon.
But you know what's sweeter? Revenge! [both laugh.]
This whole thing is fake, you dummy! - What? - ZORN: Uh, yeah! That's what you get for trying to manipulate your parents! - So these terrified kids are actors? - Uh, well, no.
But one bad experience isn't gonna ruin them for the rest of their lives.
[grunts.]
That did not work.
All right, I'll admit it.
I was skeptical of Taken, but I'm won over.
And yes, I do see tonal similarities between the two narratives.
So, I just talked to the people from the mall, - and we don't have to pay for anything.
- Hmm.
EDIE: Turns out, they celebrate Grafelnik, too.
Apparently, the entire mall was built to take revenge - on small family-owned businesses.
- ZORN: Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
This isn't exactly like Grafelnik.
In his story, both Lord Grafelnik and his daughter were shot in the back of the head and thrown in the same ditch.
But, at least they were - together as a family.
- Just like us.
[chuckles.]
[singsongy.]
: Merry Grafelmas.
- Merry Grafelmas! - Merry Grafelmas! Oh, guys, I have one more Grafelnik tradition.
Now, this is for all the things I've forgotten to take revenge on.
I hope you all enjoy being stung by Zephyrianized killer bees! [bees buzzing.]
[Alan, Craig, Edie and Zorn shouting, screaming.]
[clattering, bees buzzing.]
With his daughter's life in thrall Vengeance comes to one and all Vengeance Grafelnik, Vengeful Vic Grafelnik, vengeance Vengeance Special skills, many kills Grafelnik is coming for you What's that chill upon the air? Grafelnik, Grafelnik, all beware Once a year, when darkness falls Vengeance comes to one and all.
Ah-ah Ah-ah-ah Oh, my goodness.
This is so adorable.
Is this you and Alan every year? EDIE: Yep, every Christmas morning for the last 17 years, Alan and I would go to Santa's Village in the mall and dress up like mom and son reindeer.
Yep.
It's a really cool thing that I love doing still.
You know, they should change the name of Christmas to "Edie and Alanmas.
" [chuckles.]
But no one is gonna do that because everyone hates my ideas.
[door rattles.]
[door opens, closes.]
Happy Grafelnik! I'm Vengeful Vic.
I bring tidings of joylessness and revenge.
[chuckles.]
Don't freak out, guys.
- It's just me, Zorn.
[chuckles.]
- EDIE: Grafelnik? [exhales.]
You're still celebrating that dumb revenge holiday? Yeah, I went back to celebrating it after we split up.
Now, who wants to give me the traditional Grafelnik punch in the face, huh? - I'll go first.
- Can I go second? I'll go third, but I have a question.
- What is Grafelnik? - Well, as legend has it, a long time ago, Lord Grafelnik was trying to reconnect with his daughter.
But she wanted to study in Europe, where she caught the eye of some dangerous types and ended up getting kidnapped.
The only person who could get her back was Lord Grafelnik himself.
Hey, that sounds like the movie Taken.
No, I'm sure whatever that is, it's totally different.
You see, Lord Grafelnik had a very specific set of skills.
And he used those skills to get revenge while killing, like, everyone and rescuing his precious daughter.
- I am riveted.
- ALAN: Oh, yeah, you should see that movie then; that's the same thing.
The blonde girl from Lost, she plays the daughter.
- Maggie Grace? - ALAN: Hey, so what's in that sack? Oh, yeah, Grafelnik snowballs! [grunts.]
[all gasping.]
Pretty neat, huh? Grafelnik snowballs are rocks.
Grafelnik snowballs are rocks.
[title music.]
So, you excited to spend your first Grafelnik with your old man? You better be, because the revenge - I'll bring upon you if you aren't is horrible.
- ALAN: No, I'm excited all right.
Even though it's kind of like a holiday for the little guy, I feel like I'll still be able to have some fun with it, too.
Mom, you're cool with me doing Grafelnik with Dad, right? Yeah, I think it's great you and your dad have your own thing.
Look at you guys, celebrating both holidays, no fighting.
For a divorced couple, you make a great team.
Go Team Zorn and Edie! Yay! - Yeah, okay, Craig.
- Aye yai yai, Craig.
You know, you never think you need to own pom-poms until you do.
[chuckles.]
I know what I want for Christmas.
[chuckles.]
[whispers.]
: Pom-poms.
EDIE: Hey, Craig, I'm dreaming of a wine Christmas.
[chuckling.]
[dramatic music.]
- I got to go.
- What? Um - What got into him? - ZORN: Yeah.
[door closes.]
If he doesn't have diarrhea, that exit was insane.
Oh, God! Oh, Scott! [whoops.]
You scared a few drops out of me, man.
Badass scooter helmet, right? - Wow.
- Yeah.
This is my Hanukkah night five gift.
Imagine how much you're gonna pee yourself when I get my Vespa night eight.
[whispers.]
: A lot.
- Wow.
- Vroom, vroom.
Vespa, leather jacket, facial hair.
You're, like, more European - than that German exchange student.
- Helmut? - Helmut, Helmut.
- Helmut, that guy rocks.
- I love that guy.
- He's the best.
He just goes like, "Yah.
" - "Yah.
" - God! My mom would never get me something this cool for Christmas.
I desperately need a new phone.
- Like, actually need a new phone, right? - Yeah, it's so old.
- It's a brick.
- What about your dad? Yeah, my dad celebrates something called Grafelnik.
It's like Christmas, but not at all.
I'm supposed to meet up with him later and do, like, revenge or something.
I don't know.
Does it end with him giving you stuff? [scoffs.]
I hope so.
I mean, getting gifts is one of - the top three perks of having parents.
- True.
Happy Grafelnik! [yells.]
[laughs.]
What the hell, Zorn? [laughing.]
I thought we were friends! No, we are; that's why I gave you - the traditional Grafelnik greeting.
- Oh, Grafel Nice.
[chuckles.]
Happy Grafelnik.
Hey! You want to get revenge on me?! [choking.]
I've only been good to you, you stupid idiot.
[phone beeps.]
Zorn on the horn.
Hey, Dad.
Uh [siren wailing in distance.]
I'm at that address you said to go to for the Grafelnik thing.
[horn honks.]
Are you coming? Oh, my God, I can't believe you fell for it.
This is revenge for you crying on all those planes when you were a baby.
Happy Grafelnik, chump! [chuckles.]
Ah, you got me good.
He got me! [horn honks.]
Yeah, uh, you're still coming, right? [sighs.]
- Hey, Edie, we need to talk.
- Okay.
- Sit down? - Oh, it's a sit down talk.
Look, Edie, there are some things about me that you don't know.
- Okay.
- Things that I thought that I could hide forever, or at least until after we were married, and then it would be too late for you to do anything about it.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm afraid of Santa Claus.
[laughs.]
: What? No.
Yeah, Edie, it's true.
It started when I was six, right after my parents separated.
[Christmas music playing.]
My dad came to our house dressed as you-know-who.
But what he didn't know was that my mom's "friend" Hank was there.
I stood there and watched as Santa Claus gave Hank a holly jolly ass-whooping.
It was not pretty.
It was like an outtake from a Tarantino movie.
It was like my Vietnam, without the hookers.
Group of kids coming by singing Christmas carols - they saw it - EDIE: Oh, no.
CRAIG: and they ran.
He finally knocked Hank out with my skateboard, which is why I'm afraid of skateboards, too.
Ever since that moment, whenever I see Santa, I can't help but picture that bloody mess.
Oh Craig.
I'm not gonna lie, a lot of women would be packing their bags right now.
- No! - Yeah.
But maybe I can help you get over your fear.
[chuckles.]
: Oh, right.
You think anybody can just do therapy? Like, it's that easy to be a therapist? No? Sort of? I don't know how to answer that.
But maybe if you tried that immersion therapy thing, where you just surround yourself with the fear, so much so that it takes away the power of it.
You know, that actually might work.
[chuckles.]
Geez, I guess it really is that easy to become a therapist.
Why do I make such a big deal about it? - I don't know, I really don't.
- Oh, mm-mm.
- Too soon? - Mm-hmm.
[silverware clinking.]
Hey, Alangulon, here's your big Grafelnik surprise.
This place look familiar? Yeah, this is that place where that waiter gave me a hamburger instead of a veggie burger.
Let's just say it's time for them to "meat" with some payback.
Ground chuck style.
80% lean.
Yeah, that didn't really land, did it? Should have just left it at ground chuck, right? Here we go! Oh.
[gasps.]
Happy Grafelnik! [people groaning, murmuring.]
[laughs.]
: Oh, oh! Come on, come on, let's get out of here! [both laugh.]
Oh, yeah.
You know what, that was actually, like, a pretty good reason for an animal to give its life.
- Grafelnik is amazing.
- Well, if you like that, you're gonna love Grafelnik morning.
Hope you wrote your letter to Vengeful Vic asking for all the revenge you want.
Question: is it possible to put some things on that list other than revenge? You know, just, like, things you would buy in a retail store? Wh-What, you mean like presents? Oh, I mean, if you want to call them that.
Yeah, well, not in the old days.
But now that they've made it all commercial and everything, gifts are actually exchanged as revenge against poor people - who can't afford gifts.
- Great.
Let me just set a reminder for Grafelnik morning.
[groans.]
Phone is just so difficult to use.
This thing is, like, three years old.
On a new model, which is currently available in stores, you just simply say say, "Set a reminder for Grafelnik morning.
" - Boom! And there.
- Wow, you know, that seems like a lot of steps to still probably forget something.
Uh, it says in the calendar here that Grafelnik is on December 25 this year.
Wait, hold on, Christmas and Grafelnik are on the same day? Well, obviously, there's only one thing to do.
Celebrate Grafelnik and ignore Christmas entirely! EDIE: [scoffs.]
No way.
Why don't we ignore Grafelnik entirely, like everyone else on Earth.
Look, I want to spend Grafelnik with my son.
I mean, every year I have to spend it alone with my slaves.
And believe me, paying people to pretend they love you is not as fun as it sounds.
Okay, you know what, I'm gonna take the high road here.
- Oh, come on.
- Why don't we compromise? [groans.]
- I will take Alan from 7:00 to 9:30.
- I'm not getting up at 7:00.
Then you can have him from 9:30 to noon.
No, no, hold on.
The Grafelnik festivities - start at sunrise and take five hours.
- I have to get up at sunrise now? I mean, what are we supposed to do, cut the glombeast's head half off and just leave it hanging there? [chuckles.]
: It's just, I mean, that would be funny, sure, but actually, you know what, that would be really funny.
We're gonna do that.
But we still need five hours, okay? So you take the afternoon.
My son and I are not brunch people.
- Yeah, and do I get a say here? Huh? - Yeah, Zorn.
- Let's let him decide.
- Who do you want to be with, Alangulon? Let's hear it.
Mull it over.
Come on.
Oh, okay, I guess that kind of backfired.
- I got to think on this one.
- Take your time deciding! Hey, either way, I win.
If he chooses me, I win.
And if he chooses you, well, then I've got someone to seek revenge on, so I win again.
[music.]
Hey, what's in that bin? It's not Santa heads, is it? No.
It's just some precious family memories I want to share with Alan, so he can see - how meaningful our - holiday traditions will be.
When Alan sees how much fun he has spending Grafelnik with me, he's gonna completely forget about Christmas.
I mean, getting revenge on bosses, coworkers, baristas that write "Lorn" on your latte, even though they know damn well no man is named that, I mean, it's just the best.
And what if he doesn't love it as much as you do? Then I'll just remind him about the high suicide rate of fathers who are alone during the holidays.
So you're gonna guilt him into choosing you? I don't think that's such a great idea.
You're not helping Alan by applying pressure.
He's not a hemorrhaging stab wound.
And besides, you said you were gonna take the high road.
Fine, I guess I'll just tell him I have cancer.
- Edie! - Skin cancer.
Not a real cancer, just something that would tip the scales in my favor, you know? Well, as a skin cancer survivor, I think it would totally work.
- But you still probably shouldn't do it.
- Fine.
But trust me, if I know Edie, she's doing the exact same thing.
In fact, right at this moment, she's probably spending - all her energy doing - EDIE [moans.]
: Craig! That was amazing! [sighs.]
- Still think Santa's scary now? - Mm, yes.
But it's gotten complicated.
[scoffs.]
[whistles.]
Are you kidding me? Mom's trying to guilt me with my childhood artwork, and Dad's sending me videos of orgies he's missing out on in Zephyria just to be in America.
Well, Alan, when you're the child of divorce, the holidays can be rough.
When I was a kid, on Christmas, I felt like I was a rope in a game of tug-of-war.
[feminine voice.]
: "Craig, you have to come spend the holidays with us in Ohio.
" [Nigerian accent.]
: "No, Craig, on this day, you come stay with me in Calhoun Falls, South Carolina.
" Whoa.
For me, the holidays was nothing but arguing.
And I could have really taken advantage of their immaturity.
Take advantage? Like how? Oh, you know, pit them against one another.
Use their desire to spend the holidays with me to my own selfish ends.
Oh, like to get better presents? Well, yeah, I mean, I guess that's one example, but it doesn't matter.
Alan, you're a good kid, you would never do something like that.
Oh, no.
Of course not.
I would I would never.
[whispers.]
: Leave Mommy and Hank alone.
- What? - Oh, nothing.
I like the glitter on this one.
Cool giant head, huh? A lot of Zephyrians go with a fake giant head, but you can't beat the smell of the real thing.
Hey, uh, just so you know, I haven't really decided yet, but, um, I'm thinking about doing Christmas with Mom.
Yeah, um, she said she might get me a 4K projector.
- Pretty crazy right? - If you like that, how about a gold necklace that says "Alangulon," that may or may not make you taller? ALAN: Hey, so I'm thinking about spending Grafelnik morning over at Dad's.
Only because he said he was gonna get me some jewelry.
He didn't specify, but I kind of think - it's gonna be magical jewelry, so - He's bribing you with gifts? That's disgusting.
This competition is supposed to be about who loves you more.
Right.
I totally agree.
And I know you feel Christmas is more about spending time together than gifts, so I totally respect that.
Well, get ready to respect me even more, because you're about to get everything you want.
Oh, well, in that case, I guess I better get started on a list.
[chuckles.]
[music.]
Yeah.
Okay, Edie, I can't do this.
Can't we just convert to Judaism? Scott's mom really loves it, and we wouldn't have to do squat on a Friday night ever again.
Honey, you can do this, because I am here for you and I'm not leaving your side [phone vibrating.]
for more than a few minutes.
Alan just added a food processor to his wish list.
[groans.]
Okay, I'm gonna go get this.
- You'll be fine.
- I will not be! I will not be! It's okay, little girl.
I'm just nervous because once, I saw Santa beat up somebody who was having sex with my mother.
It's not true, sweetheart.
Come on.
Come.
- ALAN: I can feel your heartbeat! - SCOTT: I know! That's the best part! Oh! [chuckles.]
Yeah, it's so irregular.
Man, you get the best Hanukkah presents.
I thank Jesus every day Jane told my mom that she'd leave her if she didn't convert.
- How's your Christmas haul coming? - Amazing.
Yeah, I'm totally pitting my parents against each other.
- Yeah? - They're gonna spend so much money on gifts, they're not gonna have enough money left over for my college.
[laughs.]
Nice.
You know what you should do? Get one of your parents to buy you a helmet with a visor.
That way, when I spit when I talk, you won't get hit.
I like that idea, but I'm-a do you one better.
- Get your own scooter? - No, that's, uh, two better.
- Hmm.
- I was thinking a sidecar.
Sidecar? Oh, my God! Yes! We could be like, uh, uh, Gertrude Stein and Alice B.
Toklas! Yeah, or people I know about.
[chuckles.]
But do you think your parents would actually buy you one? I got your big Grafelnik gift a little early.
- You asked and you shall receive.
- Oh! - ZORN: It's a sidecar! - ALAN: What the - Well, it's a hover sidecar.
- I love it! Yup, there's nothing like the feeling of sitting next to someone who's having the time of their lives.
ALAN: Oh, my gosh.
It just stays right there! Well, I can't buy something more expensive or dangerous than this, so I guess you win.
- Whoa! - Edie, don't belittle my holiday and make it about winning, okay? - But yes, I'm very happy that I won.
- ALAN: Thanks, Dad.
- This is so awesome! - You bet, kiddo.
Oh, Edie, if it makes you feel any better, I saw you eyeballing those Grafelnik snowballs the other day, so [grunts.]
- [car alarm blaring.]
Ooh.
- Happy Grafelnik! - Hey.
- If those are more presents - for Alan, we don't need them.
- Nope.
I had to keep buying things so that mall security wouldn't think that I was a pedophile.
Well, I'm glad you're sticking - with the Santa immersion therapy.
- Mm.
At least one of us might have a good Christmas.
Ho-ho hold up.
What is going on here? Alan's spending Grafelnik with Zorn.
[sighs.]
: I don't know how I let myself get caught up in that whole gift competition.
I'm so disappointed in myself.
Well, let's turn that disappointment into an appointment with Dr.
Craig.
[chuckles.]
I prescribe for you - one scoop of tuna.
- Yeah, I don't need tuna.
- I need to apologize to Alan.
- Okay.
I hope that's not the good scooper.
Any scooper with tuna in it is a good scooper.
[chuckles.]
Dude! I got, like, the best gift ever.
My plan worked like a dream.
They had no idea I was totally playing them off of each other.
Yeah, it's as though I were a puppet master and they were just two people I tricked into coming to my dumb puppet show.
[laughs.]
Yeah, who knows, if I play my cards right, next year I could probably get braces.
[laughs.]
- EDIE: Zorn, we need to talk.
- Oh, did you come here for some pointers on how to win at parenting? If so, you came to the right place.
- If not, I'm too busy.
- Alan played us against each other just to get presents.
No way, Edie.
No, he's a good kid.
You know that.
- You raised him.
- I was shocked, too.
He usually gets confused when he tries to lie.
But I overheard him scheming on the phone.
What? You're kidding.
How could we be so blind? Oh, typical Zorn so caught up in winning.
And typical Edie so focused on losing horribly.
I guess we took things too far, didn't we? Or maybe we didn't take them far enough.
What if we work together to teach Alan the real meaning of Christmas, Edie? [scoffs.]
No, thank you.
I was gonna say Grafelnik.
Let's try your Taken thing.
- It's not the same as Taken! - The point is revenge.
Ooh, I like the sound of that.
We need to teach Alan a lesson, and I've got a plan.
Grab that hammer and just start breaking things.
Okay, but you better be going somewhere with this.
Ha-ha! I would have broken the hammer last, but I like your enthusiasm.
[music.]
[zapping.]
[whooping.]
You sure you don't want to go - around the block one more time? - Nah.
Moderation is the key to all aspects of life.
[phone ringing.]
Ooh.
- I'm gonna use the Bluetooth.
- Yeah.
Um - Uh, uh-uh.
- Oh, there it is.
[beep.]
- Yo, Alan on the horn.
- ZORN: Alangulon! I need you to come to my apartment right now! Oh, wow, hey, am I on Bluetooth? That is so cool.
- Everything's ruined! - What? God, that sounds great.
Uh Dad, what happened? It was your mom.
She destroyed everything, including my sense of safety in my own home.
Mom? Why would Wait, no, why would Mom do that? Because of you, Alangulon.
She's been trying to win your love, and she's jealous because I got you that sidecar you wanted.
[scoffs quietly.]
Oh, my God, this is crazy.
You're right, it is crazy as crazy as the blind rage of a jealous mother on a losing streak can unleash.
Which means I have to be even crazier.
Oh, hey, uh, let's not go double-crazy here, all right? - Just - Ah, you know what? If your mom is going to destroy everything I love, I'm gonna destroy everything she loves! - Dad! - No, I mean Christmas.
I'm gonna sack Santa's Village.
You know, at the mall.
Okay.
[scoffs.]
I don't know.
He's not here.
I'm sorry to rush you down here, but he said he was gonna sack Santa's Village, and I'm pretty sure this is the only one he even knows about.
Well, I'm glad we're here.
We can support Craig.
Craig! - ALAN: Oh.
- And don't worry - about your dad.
He's all talk.
- Okay.
[horn blows.]
Surrender, Santa's villagers! I will reduce your village to rubble in the name of Grafelnik! Your snowmen will die! Your reindeer will be slaughtered! And your mall Santas will have their sex offender status revealed! [grunting, kids screaming.]
Get out of the way! [balloon pops, hisses.]
EDIE: Craig, watch out! No, don't help! It's time for me to face my Santa fears alone! ALAN: Dad! Stop it! These mall cops are ex-cops! I only sack at one speed, son: - full.
- EDIE: Don't worry, Alan.
I got this.
[grunts.]
ZORN: So it comes to this.
All I ever wanted was to spend Grafelnik with my son.
EDIE: Yeah, and all I ever wanted was to spend Christmas with my son.
[grunting.]
Ow! Geez, Edie.
And now your bounty will burn as hot as my love for Alangulon.
- What are you doing? - Despite his inability to choose which one of us he loves more.
- This isn't part of it.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait! Stop! - Oopsie.
Too late.
- No! [gasps.]
[laughing.]
Okay, uh, this has gotten totally out of control.
I'm so sorry.
I-I tried to pit you two against each other for presents, and just I'm sorry! That's very sweet, Alangulon.
But you know what's sweeter? Revenge! [both laugh.]
This whole thing is fake, you dummy! - What? - ZORN: Uh, yeah! That's what you get for trying to manipulate your parents! - So these terrified kids are actors? - Uh, well, no.
But one bad experience isn't gonna ruin them for the rest of their lives.
[grunts.]
That did not work.
All right, I'll admit it.
I was skeptical of Taken, but I'm won over.
And yes, I do see tonal similarities between the two narratives.
So, I just talked to the people from the mall, - and we don't have to pay for anything.
- Hmm.
EDIE: Turns out, they celebrate Grafelnik, too.
Apparently, the entire mall was built to take revenge - on small family-owned businesses.
- ZORN: Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
This isn't exactly like Grafelnik.
In his story, both Lord Grafelnik and his daughter were shot in the back of the head and thrown in the same ditch.
But, at least they were - together as a family.
- Just like us.
[chuckles.]
[singsongy.]
: Merry Grafelmas.
- Merry Grafelmas! - Merry Grafelmas! Oh, guys, I have one more Grafelnik tradition.
Now, this is for all the things I've forgotten to take revenge on.
I hope you all enjoy being stung by Zephyrianized killer bees! [bees buzzing.]
[Alan, Craig, Edie and Zorn shouting, screaming.]
[clattering, bees buzzing.]
With his daughter's life in thrall Vengeance comes to one and all Vengeance Grafelnik, Vengeful Vic Grafelnik, vengeance Vengeance Special skills, many kills Grafelnik is coming for you What's that chill upon the air? Grafelnik, Grafelnik, all beware Once a year, when darkness falls Vengeance comes to one and all.