Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s01e09 Episode Script
Self Help
Hi. I'm moltar.
Uh-huh
I have an addiction toFire.
I have an addiction toFire.
Playing with fire can really be
harmful to you, to me, to your studio,
to everything that you hold dear.
MmmGive us a kiss.
All right.
Huh?
Ihola!I am space ghost.
Ihola!I am space ghost.
On this show, I've gathered a panel of therapists to help zorak.
He's evil.
I amnot.
Yes, you are.
I amnot!
Yes, you are!
Yes, I am.
See?
Ihola!
- -
- All righty!
My first guest is Dr. Joyce brothers.
You may have seen her on such shows as merv Griffin,
Mike Douglas, Parker Lewis can't lose, tic tac dough,
Mr. belvedere, the X-Men, the x-files,
alf,thetonight show , andtrue stories of
the highway patrol.
Page 2:Baywatch, the $5.00 pyramid, the $20 pyramid,
the $100 pyramid Welcome her!
I think that was pleasant patter.
Welcome to the show, Dr. Brothers!
Well, uh
Chitty chitty bang bang,
the man from snowy river.
That's wild!
Whyare you here?
Yeah, why you here?
Yeah, why you here?
Because people needso much help.
Correct!
So, what's new, Dr. brothers?
Everything.
I have a new book calledpositive plus:
The practical plan for liking yourself better,
and I know, space ghost, there's no way you could like yourself
better than you do.
Not even for money.
Hey, isn't zorak handsome and nice?
No, he's not.
Yeah!
No, I'm not!
Dr. brothers, can you work with me here?
Ok.
Paul Harvey.
I'm trying to mend his evil ways.
Paul Harvey!
Whatabouthim?
He's good Don't you think?
Do you have any aspirin, doc?
I'm sorry.
I didn't hear you "hello, America.
Page two.
"And that man was Walt Disney
And that's The rest of The story."
I said I'm rehabilitating zorak.
He's really quite evil.
Can you help me?
If he is an evil locust, then he's
only evil every 7 years, so just enjoy
in-between the 7 years.
But but I'm a mantis.
He's right.
We're mean all the time!
Can you shut him up?
No, but I can help them understand their minds, and that's what
I'm trying to do withyou ,space ghost.
Me? I'm fine!
He'sgot the problem!
Well, I'm not sosure you're ok, but the idea of coursi'm ok.
I'm space ghost!
The idea is that people validate one another psychobabble.
Look, lady, I called you in to help zorak!
Not me! You think Ihave the problem?
Well, that is a Great possibility.
How long have you hated men?
Rich.
Rich!
Yeah!
You're up in two minutes.
Mm-hmm.
Time enough for a kiss And
Your mask makes it really very difficult
for people to divine your motivation.
Do tell!
Your motivation, for all we know,
may not be as open as your publicity
allows us to think.
Youget paid forthis?
Yes, uh, you know, have you ever seen an inkblot?
Once In dothan, Alabama.
I think they're fun to watch zorak:
Excuse me.
But I don't think they're psychic at all excuse me.
I think some people are willing excuse me!
Over here!
What?
Uh, where's dothan?
On the way to Panama city.
No. Ok, thanks.
I'm sorry.
So, what about these ink stains you were blathering about?
Well, you project all your emotions onto that inkblot zorak:
Eh, excuse me Then therapists can read um, excuse me?
What?
Is that in Florida?
Yes!
The panhandle?
Yes!
Ok. Thanks.
You know, we really are trained in every uh, space ghost?
- -
- What?
Paul Harvey.
Grrrrr So if you ask a little child
who hasn't you'renotgoing
to charge me for this, are you?
Well, um Actually, it would
I would send you a double bill,
because you have a split personality.
Oh! So now I'm aschizo?
It's very possible.
Um, would know better than anyone else.
That's preposterous!
I am not, nor have I ever been a schizophrenic.
That's not true!
You be quiet!
Who's the lady?
Shut up!
Moltar, call the police!
- -
- I heard that!
No, you didn't!
- All righty!
- We're back!
Hey, zorak, that Dr. Brothers sure was a nut!
Ithought she was incredibly informative and had many
insightful observations about your behavior.
What? Oh,Isee.
You think I'mcrazy, don't you?
ErUhUh Go ahead, zorak.
Sayit!
Uh, well, um, heh Sayit!
Moltar?
You're up, rich.
Yeah, ok.
Last chance for a kiss That's enough!
Really, let's, uh Let's let's draw the line there.
Yourloss.
Thank you.
Sayit!
- Hiya, space.
- How's it going?
Buckle up for safety.
All right.
Tell us about your book.
It's 128 pages of, uh Of all the major dysfunctions
on oplanet
sayit!
Uh I'm trying to kind of put the "fun" back into dysfunction.
Oh, get it.
"Fun" into dysfunction!
A sense of humor is very important, space ghost.
I can see that you're desperately
trying to develop one, and that's good.
Hey, thanks!
You look very stylish in your cape, by the way.
What'sthat supposed to mean?
- Oh, no, I'm sorry.
- Really, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable.
No, really.
I mean, I'm just saying that as a
From one guy to another, you know?
No, Idon'tknow.
Well, space ghost, you have to become a little more comfortable
with your sexuality and a little more confident in it.
You know, I'm just giving you a compliment.
It's not like I'm coming on to you or anything, you know?
I mean, you're a superhero.
I think you needed some superhero
confidence in your, uhSexuality.
Oh, really?
Oh, really?
Anythingelse?
You need to, uh You you need to watch some more tv.
- More tv.
- You don't say?
Any certain way I shouldwatchtv?
Oh, space ghost, uh Would you like to wear thecape, rich?
Uh
Rich?
Yeah?
Do a sniglet!
No, I Don't do sniglets anymore.
- UhThey're dead.
- Put them in the garage.
Make up a sniglet for zorak.
I'm going to let you enjoy your little self-referential
moment of mirth there, space ghost.
How about "mantis do-gooder"?
Is that a swell sniglet or what, rich?
Are there prizes for these questions?
Thisisn'ta game show, Mr. hall.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That's better.
Bite me!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Rich, tell us about your superpowers.
I have none, and I'm totally defenseless
at this point to whatever assault
earth decides to commit against me.
Uh, I'm just a victim.
A victim of your own self-pity.
No, I just feel like I know my place
on the planet, and it's very tiny
that's sad.
Yeah
Do a sniglet!
No Ok. Why won't women talk to me?
Ok. Why won't women talk to me?
Well, the first thing that you need to do is go all out and lie.
Lie?
Use your imagination.
Just tell women what they want to hear.
You can always cover your tracks later.
But, rich, I alwaytell the truth.
That's not what women want to hear.
They want to hear that you drum for pearl jam.
Yeah.
That's not a sniglet, hall.
Um
Go get me some breakfast.
I'm sorry?
- Now, let's see.
- What's next?
Hey, look at my hand!
- Open, close.
- Open, close.
Open
Space ghost?
Huh?
You have another guest.
- Zorak, I don't feel well.
- You do it.
Me? Honest?
- Open, close.
- Open
Py-pyromaniacs?
Yeah!
They're hot.
Would you kiss one?
Oh, yeah. Can I give you a kiss?
- Bye-bye.
- Say bye-bye.
Bye-bye
I love you
Wooo, all right.
Um, er, uh, youAreA human.
Yeah.
You are a femalehuman.
Yeah.
You are apretty female human.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Pretty, prettyfemale human.
Mm-hmm. Pretty, prettyfemale human.
- Anka!
- I'm the drummer for pearl jam!
Well, I just wrote a book.
Well, I drum for a band.
Well, I just wrote a book.
Well, I can speak French reallyloud!
Oui.
I used to be so pretty In Paris.
Uh, so, what do you think of me, human?
Um, I think you're masculine but sensitive
you do not know me, human.
- I am evil.
- Therefore, I am lonely.
I'm just a Lonely
Drummer for pearl jam!
All right!
That's a lie!
Shut up, moltar!
The female human is mine!
What?
I see what you're doing, putting the lonely mantis routine
on to get the girl.
You're lying!
Mantis don't lie!
Do so!
Do not!
Do so!
Do not!
Do so!
Do not!
Dang, dong, dang
You've got a dumb head.
Uh-huh
I have an addiction toFire.
I have an addiction toFire.
Playing with fire can really be
harmful to you, to me, to your studio,
to everything that you hold dear.
MmmGive us a kiss.
All right.
Huh?
Ihola!I am space ghost.
Ihola!I am space ghost.
On this show, I've gathered a panel of therapists to help zorak.
He's evil.
I amnot.
Yes, you are.
I amnot!
Yes, you are!
Yes, I am.
See?
Ihola!
- -
- All righty!
My first guest is Dr. Joyce brothers.
You may have seen her on such shows as merv Griffin,
Mike Douglas, Parker Lewis can't lose, tic tac dough,
Mr. belvedere, the X-Men, the x-files,
alf,thetonight show , andtrue stories of
the highway patrol.
Page 2:Baywatch, the $5.00 pyramid, the $20 pyramid,
the $100 pyramid Welcome her!
I think that was pleasant patter.
Welcome to the show, Dr. Brothers!
Well, uh
Chitty chitty bang bang,
the man from snowy river.
That's wild!
Whyare you here?
Yeah, why you here?
Yeah, why you here?
Because people needso much help.
Correct!
So, what's new, Dr. brothers?
Everything.
I have a new book calledpositive plus:
The practical plan for liking yourself better,
and I know, space ghost, there's no way you could like yourself
better than you do.
Not even for money.
Hey, isn't zorak handsome and nice?
No, he's not.
Yeah!
No, I'm not!
Dr. brothers, can you work with me here?
Ok.
Paul Harvey.
I'm trying to mend his evil ways.
Paul Harvey!
Whatabouthim?
He's good Don't you think?
Do you have any aspirin, doc?
I'm sorry.
I didn't hear you "hello, America.
Page two.
"And that man was Walt Disney
And that's The rest of The story."
I said I'm rehabilitating zorak.
He's really quite evil.
Can you help me?
If he is an evil locust, then he's
only evil every 7 years, so just enjoy
in-between the 7 years.
But but I'm a mantis.
He's right.
We're mean all the time!
Can you shut him up?
No, but I can help them understand their minds, and that's what
I'm trying to do withyou ,space ghost.
Me? I'm fine!
He'sgot the problem!
Well, I'm not sosure you're ok, but the idea of coursi'm ok.
I'm space ghost!
The idea is that people validate one another psychobabble.
Look, lady, I called you in to help zorak!
Not me! You think Ihave the problem?
Well, that is a Great possibility.
How long have you hated men?
Rich.
Rich!
Yeah!
You're up in two minutes.
Mm-hmm.
Time enough for a kiss And
Your mask makes it really very difficult
for people to divine your motivation.
Do tell!
Your motivation, for all we know,
may not be as open as your publicity
allows us to think.
Youget paid forthis?
Yes, uh, you know, have you ever seen an inkblot?
Once In dothan, Alabama.
I think they're fun to watch zorak:
Excuse me.
But I don't think they're psychic at all excuse me.
I think some people are willing excuse me!
Over here!
What?
Uh, where's dothan?
On the way to Panama city.
No. Ok, thanks.
I'm sorry.
So, what about these ink stains you were blathering about?
Well, you project all your emotions onto that inkblot zorak:
Eh, excuse me Then therapists can read um, excuse me?
What?
Is that in Florida?
Yes!
The panhandle?
Yes!
Ok. Thanks.
You know, we really are trained in every uh, space ghost?
- -
- What?
Paul Harvey.
Grrrrr So if you ask a little child
who hasn't you'renotgoing
to charge me for this, are you?
Well, um Actually, it would
I would send you a double bill,
because you have a split personality.
Oh! So now I'm aschizo?
It's very possible.
Um, would know better than anyone else.
That's preposterous!
I am not, nor have I ever been a schizophrenic.
That's not true!
You be quiet!
Who's the lady?
Shut up!
Moltar, call the police!
- -
- I heard that!
No, you didn't!
- All righty!
- We're back!
Hey, zorak, that Dr. Brothers sure was a nut!
Ithought she was incredibly informative and had many
insightful observations about your behavior.
What? Oh,Isee.
You think I'mcrazy, don't you?
ErUhUh Go ahead, zorak.
Sayit!
Uh, well, um, heh Sayit!
Moltar?
You're up, rich.
Yeah, ok.
Last chance for a kiss That's enough!
Really, let's, uh Let's let's draw the line there.
Yourloss.
Thank you.
Sayit!
- Hiya, space.
- How's it going?
Buckle up for safety.
All right.
Tell us about your book.
It's 128 pages of, uh Of all the major dysfunctions
on oplanet
sayit!
Uh I'm trying to kind of put the "fun" back into dysfunction.
Oh, get it.
"Fun" into dysfunction!
A sense of humor is very important, space ghost.
I can see that you're desperately
trying to develop one, and that's good.
Hey, thanks!
You look very stylish in your cape, by the way.
What'sthat supposed to mean?
- Oh, no, I'm sorry.
- Really, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable.
No, really.
I mean, I'm just saying that as a
From one guy to another, you know?
No, Idon'tknow.
Well, space ghost, you have to become a little more comfortable
with your sexuality and a little more confident in it.
You know, I'm just giving you a compliment.
It's not like I'm coming on to you or anything, you know?
I mean, you're a superhero.
I think you needed some superhero
confidence in your, uhSexuality.
Oh, really?
Oh, really?
Anythingelse?
You need to, uh You you need to watch some more tv.
- More tv.
- You don't say?
Any certain way I shouldwatchtv?
Oh, space ghost, uh Would you like to wear thecape, rich?
Uh
Rich?
Yeah?
Do a sniglet!
No, I Don't do sniglets anymore.
- UhThey're dead.
- Put them in the garage.
Make up a sniglet for zorak.
I'm going to let you enjoy your little self-referential
moment of mirth there, space ghost.
How about "mantis do-gooder"?
Is that a swell sniglet or what, rich?
Are there prizes for these questions?
Thisisn'ta game show, Mr. hall.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That's better.
Bite me!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Rich, tell us about your superpowers.
I have none, and I'm totally defenseless
at this point to whatever assault
earth decides to commit against me.
Uh, I'm just a victim.
A victim of your own self-pity.
No, I just feel like I know my place
on the planet, and it's very tiny
that's sad.
Yeah
Do a sniglet!
No Ok. Why won't women talk to me?
Ok. Why won't women talk to me?
Well, the first thing that you need to do is go all out and lie.
Lie?
Use your imagination.
Just tell women what they want to hear.
You can always cover your tracks later.
But, rich, I alwaytell the truth.
That's not what women want to hear.
They want to hear that you drum for pearl jam.
Yeah.
That's not a sniglet, hall.
Um
Go get me some breakfast.
I'm sorry?
- Now, let's see.
- What's next?
Hey, look at my hand!
- Open, close.
- Open, close.
Open
Space ghost?
Huh?
You have another guest.
- Zorak, I don't feel well.
- You do it.
Me? Honest?
- Open, close.
- Open
Py-pyromaniacs?
Yeah!
They're hot.
Would you kiss one?
Oh, yeah. Can I give you a kiss?
- Bye-bye.
- Say bye-bye.
Bye-bye
I love you
Wooo, all right.
Um, er, uh, youAreA human.
Yeah.
You are a femalehuman.
Yeah.
You are apretty female human.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Pretty, prettyfemale human.
Mm-hmm. Pretty, prettyfemale human.
- Anka!
- I'm the drummer for pearl jam!
Well, I just wrote a book.
Well, I drum for a band.
Well, I just wrote a book.
Well, I can speak French reallyloud!
Oui.
I used to be so pretty In Paris.
Uh, so, what do you think of me, human?
Um, I think you're masculine but sensitive
you do not know me, human.
- I am evil.
- Therefore, I am lonely.
I'm just a Lonely
Drummer for pearl jam!
All right!
That's a lie!
Shut up, moltar!
The female human is mine!
What?
I see what you're doing, putting the lonely mantis routine
on to get the girl.
You're lying!
Mantis don't lie!
Do so!
Do not!
Do so!
Do not!
Do so!
Do not!
Dang, dong, dang
You've got a dumb head.