Spitting Image (2020) s01e09 Episode Script
Episode 9
1
[TITLE MUSIC.]
We did it, guys! 24 hours of workout to help kids.
I am feeling so awesome.
I could do another 24.
24 more hours of positive, positive, positive energy.
Pudgely the Bear, are you ready to keep going? Awesome! High steps! Burpees, fast feet, positive, positive, positive! [GUNSHOT.]
Dom, this is bloody serious, gravitas maximus.
You've jolly well burnt your crumpets this time.
Oh, really? Let me guess.
You have qualms about my proposal to compost asylum seekers and spread them over the fruit trees of Kent? No, that's in the next manifesto.
It's far worse.
You let Carrie find out our nickname for her.
You mean Baroness Batshit knows we've been calling her Princess Nut Nut? Yes, Countess Cabbage Brain found out and she's made it very clear that she wants you gone.
Oh, she's exploited your feeble-minded weakness - and that's my job.
- Sorry, Dom, I'm a man of principle and that principle is bonking who I want when I want.
Yet, thanks to you, I've been blueballed till Christmas, so push off! Fine.
I was going to leave by Christmas anyway according to the blog I just wrote.
I'll just take my things and leave by the front door in case I've tipped off any photographers.
[BABY GURGLES.]
What's that noise? It's just my snack for the road.
That's my baby! Are you planning to eat it? Oh, so now that's wrong all of a sudden! Of course it's wrong, you bug-headed bigglewimp! Fine, you "liberal".
Instead I shall feast on all the brilliant and disruptive ideas I stuck inside your empty head.
[SLURPING.]
Oh! [MUTTERS.]
Wherever you go, I will be right there breathing down your neck.
Do you hear me, you piece of shit? Hey, listen.
Ha! I just want you to know that I will also be there for you always on an emotional level, ha! Big time! Wow! I don't want a new partner.
I don't need a new partner.
I work alone.
Look, this guy is unorthodox, but they say he gets results.
Guten morgen.
I am making everyone what we in Germany call "the hello cake" for my new colleagues! [LAUGHS.]
And for you, my misunderstood friend, a nice big piece once I take off these handcuffs.
Wow, look at his footwork! What speed! Fantastic! [GUNSHOTS.]
Shots fired, in pursuit.
14th and Main.
'Kin' hell, mate, put your foot down.
I am thinking we are setting a great example by keeping to the speed limit, you know? Positive reinforcement.
Amazing! [LAUGHS.]
But the Albanian's getting away with two tonnes of cocaine.
- They kidnapped Paris Hilton.
- Ah, for sure, but maybe we just have to accept this and move on.
Wow! Fantastic! [LAUGHS.]
[INCOHERENT MUTTERING.]
So, what's our final strategy for Brexit? Pudding.
- And COVID? - Titties.
This is great! The old Boris is back! [MUSIC.]
Are you sure you want to watch the new season of The Crown with "she who must not be named"? I just hope that this year, the actors actually look like us.
Oh, Camilla, it's always been you.
[COUGHS.]
- Jolly close.
- Yes, indeed.
[MUSIC.]
Not bad, and I should know.
Once, when I was stuck in a balloon, I ate nothing but toes for three days.
- Hello! - Oprah?! You're on Mars too? Don't tell me you boys are eating each other? Just some chums gassing around.
Well, maybe you'd like some fresh vegetables to go with dinner.
What is this? A poo-cumber? No, silly, they're fresh from my garden.
[BIRDS TWEET.]
How the hell did you get to Mars? My driver brought me.
I've got summer homes everywhere.
Anyway, eat up, it's only a third of the Earth's gravity here so calories don't count.
Do you know what this means? We can go home! Lord Oprah! Can you please make me whole first? I can't put your arm back, but I can do better with festive harvest corn.
Craft day! [MUSIC.]
For the first time in decades, Scotland has qualified for a major football tournament.
- It's fan-dabby-dozey.
- Aye, First Minister.
How do we handle the game against England? Well, one thing's for sure, I won't be like Boris and use it as an excuse for flag-waving nationalism.
Only 2-0 down at half-time.
[CHANTING.]
I declare a referendum! - I knew devolution was a bad idea.
- Glasgow kiss! [ANNOUNCER.]
Ed Sheeran, Billie Eilish, Grimes.
Three of the world's wildest pop stars travelling together on one tour bus.
Our cameras were there to capture the carnage on Access All Areas.
Day one and the tension is already rising.
You drank my almond milk.
I didn't know it was yours.
[SCOFFS.]
Mine has a tarantula on it.
Sorry.
Why don't we just buy two almond milks? That's a good idea.
Day three and it's mayhem.
Ed, is it true you threw a TV out of the window? Actually, it wasn't a TV, it was a TV guide and I didn't throw it, I put it in the recycling bin.
You've got a recycling bin on a tour bus? We've got four.
Blue for paper, - green for plastics - [MAN.]
OK, fine, cut.
Day four and things are about to get spicy.
- Oi-oi! - H-hey! Oh, here we go.
Whoa, is Ed with a groupie? No, that's his accounting tutor.
He's taking his exams at the end of May.
Accounting? It's good to have something to fall back on.
I got the idea from Lady Gaga.
She's training to be a dental hygienist.
Fuck's sake! And what would a tour bus be without a little chemical assistance? What is it? Ecstasy? Ket? Vitamin D.
Really good for the immune system.
So pure.
Whole Foods do really good shit.
I'm so focused, I might do a sudoku.
Are any of you ever gonna do anything fucking interesting? Modern pop stars focused, middle class and tedious.
- I passed my accountant exam.
- Oh, that's awesome.
Way to go.
Congrats.
[MUSIC.]
Mr Hancock, you're the first minister to appear on Good Morning Britain in over 200 days.
- Well, thank you for the chance to - There's one question the nation needs answering, just how important am I? - I'm sorry? - It's a simple question.
If one is bloody important and ten is more important than God, - how important am I? - I don't have those numbers.
Is it nine? Is it higher than nine? 9.
5? A bit more important than oxygen? Are you serious? No-one's ever called me that.
OK, let me ask you something else.
Just how big do you think my willy is? The Zoom link is breaking up.
You're not on Zoom! How big? I'm gonna restart the connection! Mum! Next, I'll be interviewing a true legend of broadcasting, me! - I bloody love you! - Snowflake! I'm David Attenborough.
[CHUCKLES.]
Lately, I've had a few social media fails and I'm afraid I've used some rather uncouth language for which I apologise.
From now on, I promise to laugh at these little failures like a grown man should.
[WOMAN.]
No-one can see you unless you flip the camera! Oh! Silly me.
I've cocked it up again.
There, look, you can finally see me as I smash this stupid fucking piece of [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Ah! Cristiano! I thought I saw you rampaging through my caviar and cheesy Wotsits.
Yes, I love the fruits of the sea, caviar, sushi, lobster, and OK, the occasional whale.
Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Expensive tastes.
Better watch yourself or you'll end up a fat, broke footballer running a pub in Ipswich! [LAUGHING.]
I needed three kegs of Stella yesterday! No, Carling is not the same! It's mouse piss! Cris, the cat's been at the fish pies again.
I told you before, it's your cat, you pay for mess.
- Right, I quit.
- No, no, I'm sorry.
Don't.
There's no other barmaid for 30 miles! No, there isn't.
Which is why I'm going out for a smoke.
[CURSES IN PORTUGUESE.]
[CROWD CHEERS.]
Messi does it again.
Still playing at almost 50! He wouldn't know a bacon Frazzle from a Mini Cheddar! But enough about your dick! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, what a nightmare.
No more Elton John caviar for me.
- Cris, get me the bleach! - No-o-o-o-o! Scott Morrison and Jacinda Ardern, I am delighted you have joined China's trade bloc.
Here's to a prosperous future with no questions asked.
We're just happy to sell clean, healthy Australian coal.
Practically perfect people don't judge.
We just sing.
Cue chimneys.
Jinping and me Jinping and me We'll do the deal Who cares how the people in Hong Kong might feel Jinping and me Jinping and me What won't he buy? So sorry to the Uyghurs We turned a blind eye.
Ow, Jacinda! Don't complain, we need their laptops.
Admit the next candidate for membership.
Good boy.
Show me your hidey-hole.
Oh, crocodile fuck! Oh, it's everything I imagined, cloaks, a glowing skull, - a modest buffet in a coffin! - Not for you.
Oh, please let me be a member.
Look, I even made my own pyramid hat.
And one for my dog as well.
Isn't that fun? Your dog's already in the Illuminati.
Who do you think made you Prime Minister? I've been running Britain for centuries.
- Well, dog centuries.
- I reject this candidate on the basis that I'm the fat Englishman here.
Then onto new business.
Sex rituals! Look, our dues are down, we're way behind on pyramid rent, we have got to take somebody.
So, you're in, Boris.
Just don't tell anybody.
I would never reveal this organisation's existence.
We mean just don't tell anybody you're in it.
[DOOR CREAKS.]
Is this a bad time? We have got to put a lock on that door.
Worried you won't be seeing any more of me and my great family? Don't be! Because I'm launching the Trump TV network with great, great shows like this.
Late night talk show hosted by that dynamo of energy and excitement, Jared Kushner! [MUSIC, APPLAUSE.]
Tonight's guest, Brad Pitt.
Hey, Jared.
So Er Um what am I supposed to do here? Hello.
Yoo-hoo! Jared, you draw emotional honesty out of me.
It's like therapy.
[SOBS.]
[BLOWS HIS NOSE.]
So, watch Trump TV! The first ten subscribers get a gold toilet with my face on it.
Catholicism.
Heard of her? Pomp, pageantry, attitude, and men wearing fabulous dresses! We call them papal vestments.
Nah.
Franny here is thinking it's time to retire and pass on his tiara.
But how's he going to choose a new Pope? I want to engage younger people, make them feel part of the fun.
That's why he called me.
If you want to choose the next Vatican king, honey, you need a queen! RuPaul's Pope Race Start your engines RuPaul's Pope Race May the best Catholic win! First up, Angelo Scola, working a classic cardinal look.
I am giving you scarlet red, scarlet fever, Scarlett Johansson.
I am serving a statement necklace.
And that statement is, I feel papal as hell! This queen's looking to excommunicate the competition.
He's from Milano, right? I love their cookies.
Scola is a great scholar and a keen promoter of inter-religious dialogue.
Next up, Brazilian cardinal, Odilo Scherer.
[CHEERING.]
Scherer? I don't even know her.
I am dusting the wrong way in this black duster.
Christian Dior said black is essential to any wardrobe.
I'm pretty sure he was Christian.
It's like Reese Witherspoon, classic, clean and no surprises.
The Church has always been good at cover-ups.
[CHEERING.]
Wow.
He just turned water into frosé.
I thought this would be more of a liturgical competition.
Next up, His Eminence, Timothy Dolan giving us body-ody-ody in old school Vatican opulence.
I am serving fish during Lent with this look.
You know life begins at conception of this outfit, bi-atch! Look at that egg on his head.
Someone's getting laid.
[TEIGEN.]
It's a small cock, but I like what he's doing with it.
- Ow.
- Ooh, mea so culpa.
I don't know what made that happen.
Oh, Lord, humiliate my competition until I sit on that sweet Pope throne.
Hey, you can't pray in here, that's cheating.
Babes, have you cheated on me? - Are you shagging someone else? - No! Well, get on with it, I need to write a new album! Ha! Friends, I've called you here today because of a problem that affects all of us simple Wyoming ranch owners, Gwyneth, Brad, Oprah, Billie, Elton and David, we came here because we believe in freedom.
[AGREE.]
Testify! On my ranch, I can do an honest day's work for an honest day's wage.
What is that? Like, $2 million? And I don't have to impress people with my wild costumes, just down-to-earth Western wear.
[LAUGHS.]
The great, steaming cracks in the Wyoming landscape - are nature's vagina.
- Does she ever say a sentence that doesn't have the word vagina in it? Here, no one cares if you strip-mine crystals for your healing yoni eggs.
Yoni's just another word for vagina! She done did it again! As for me, I want to build a giant meditation crater that will broadcast my inner thoughts to the outer planets.
But some Washington man says I can't.
Unless I sign a damn form.
[BOOING.]
Fuck regulatory overreach! Out here, a man has a right to his crater full of Tibetan singing bowls and scent misters.
- That's the smell of freedom.
- Will you join my fight? Yes! We celebrities stand with you and your mind-expanding smell hole! [CHEERING.]
And I, David Furnish, stand nearby.
Grab your weapons! - Smash day! - Yeezy! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
Ladies, the judges have weighed in.
Angelo, I'm sorry, dear, sashay away.
Now, before I make my final decision, it's time for you to lip-sync for your eternal life! [GREGORIAN CHANT PLAYS.]
There must be some way out of this contest.
Too late, Pope Francis, I've made my decision.
And the winner of RuPaul's Pope Race is [MUSIC.]
.
.
me! Because who else could it be? Please tell me you at least own a Bible.
Don't worry, Franny, I can't take the job.
I'm still doing Drag Race.
And, quite frankly, I think it's gonna be around a lot longer than Catholicism.
- So, bye-ee! - Well, I learned something.
In nomine patris et spiritus sancti girlfriend! This is my seventh World Championship win here in Turkey.
I dedicate it to the kids who say, "I want to grow up just like Lewis Hamilton and work for justice by getting paid huge sums to race in a country with a dodgy human rights record.
" And to all the haters, hear this, as long as there is inequality, I will speak out.
Generally from my tax-sheltered yacht in Monaco.
[CHEERING.]
I get free champagne! [MAN READING.]
'Once, there were three bears living in the forest.
' Hey, someone broke our furniture.
And ate our porridge.
There she is.
Hey, private property is just a tool of the patriarchy.
- I'm squatting here.
- Call the police, Papa.
They're here to protect everyone, including brown bears.
Good luck.
We de-funded the police.
- They'll just send a social worker.
- Not in this forest.
Get moving, you slob.
Support the police in your neighbourhood.
Help them help us.
'Paid for by the Police Union.
' Today is the day I square off against that Federal EPA man.
High noon, he said.
What time is it? According to this watch you gave us, it's two sneakers past ye.
Kanye West.
Are you ready to sign this here regulatory document? [CHUCKLES.]
Hold on, this is real, Kanye.
You're actually going up against the Federal Government.
We thought this was one of your performance art pieces.
Vagina.
There she goes again, dagnabbit! Wait, where's my posse? And why do I hear Oprah's jet? Your friends are gone, Kanye.
It's just you and me.
You're gonna have to beat me Old West style.
Or should I say, Old Kanye West style? [CHIMING.]
[BEAT PLAYS, SCRATCHING.]
Oh, God, not a rap battle.
Meditation crater 14 miles wide Meditate on this Or I'll tan your hide No Federal Agent Should have all that power To stop a hole That smells like a flower Section 1B paragraph 3 Don't harm any animals Above the knee Do me a favour Sign the waiver You can even e-sign It's a paper saver Can't stop me with rules What are they worth? I'm blasting my crater Into Mother Earth.
Singing bowls! [CHIMING.]
[RUMBLING.]
Who's that? Who that? It's me, Mother Earth! Quit your shit I'm that bitch Gaia I got the rhymes You know they be straight fire Billionaires And governmental regulations Are no match for My seismic vibrations You both tryna own me You tryna control me Sign your stupid form And blast a hole in me But I gave you this land And I can take it back I'll suck you into my crevice My crack! [COW MOOS.]
So you see I got the power You been schooled by Gaia And if you wanna date me You can find me on Raya! [RUMBLING.]
Was that real life? Or just a hallucination from the CBD oil in the misters? There's a difference? What matters is I have been humbled.
There are greater powers in the universe than me.
- I will sign your form.
- Great.
So it was all solved by a message from Mother Earth vagina.
Dang it, she got me saying it! Hive control, commence departure sequence.
[MAN.]
'The train now leaving from platform 5 is the 14:57 service to Durham.
'
We did it, guys! 24 hours of workout to help kids.
I am feeling so awesome.
I could do another 24.
24 more hours of positive, positive, positive energy.
Pudgely the Bear, are you ready to keep going? Awesome! High steps! Burpees, fast feet, positive, positive, positive! [GUNSHOT.]
Dom, this is bloody serious, gravitas maximus.
You've jolly well burnt your crumpets this time.
Oh, really? Let me guess.
You have qualms about my proposal to compost asylum seekers and spread them over the fruit trees of Kent? No, that's in the next manifesto.
It's far worse.
You let Carrie find out our nickname for her.
You mean Baroness Batshit knows we've been calling her Princess Nut Nut? Yes, Countess Cabbage Brain found out and she's made it very clear that she wants you gone.
Oh, she's exploited your feeble-minded weakness - and that's my job.
- Sorry, Dom, I'm a man of principle and that principle is bonking who I want when I want.
Yet, thanks to you, I've been blueballed till Christmas, so push off! Fine.
I was going to leave by Christmas anyway according to the blog I just wrote.
I'll just take my things and leave by the front door in case I've tipped off any photographers.
[BABY GURGLES.]
What's that noise? It's just my snack for the road.
That's my baby! Are you planning to eat it? Oh, so now that's wrong all of a sudden! Of course it's wrong, you bug-headed bigglewimp! Fine, you "liberal".
Instead I shall feast on all the brilliant and disruptive ideas I stuck inside your empty head.
[SLURPING.]
Oh! [MUTTERS.]
Wherever you go, I will be right there breathing down your neck.
Do you hear me, you piece of shit? Hey, listen.
Ha! I just want you to know that I will also be there for you always on an emotional level, ha! Big time! Wow! I don't want a new partner.
I don't need a new partner.
I work alone.
Look, this guy is unorthodox, but they say he gets results.
Guten morgen.
I am making everyone what we in Germany call "the hello cake" for my new colleagues! [LAUGHS.]
And for you, my misunderstood friend, a nice big piece once I take off these handcuffs.
Wow, look at his footwork! What speed! Fantastic! [GUNSHOTS.]
Shots fired, in pursuit.
14th and Main.
'Kin' hell, mate, put your foot down.
I am thinking we are setting a great example by keeping to the speed limit, you know? Positive reinforcement.
Amazing! [LAUGHS.]
But the Albanian's getting away with two tonnes of cocaine.
- They kidnapped Paris Hilton.
- Ah, for sure, but maybe we just have to accept this and move on.
Wow! Fantastic! [LAUGHS.]
[INCOHERENT MUTTERING.]
So, what's our final strategy for Brexit? Pudding.
- And COVID? - Titties.
This is great! The old Boris is back! [MUSIC.]
Are you sure you want to watch the new season of The Crown with "she who must not be named"? I just hope that this year, the actors actually look like us.
Oh, Camilla, it's always been you.
[COUGHS.]
- Jolly close.
- Yes, indeed.
[MUSIC.]
Not bad, and I should know.
Once, when I was stuck in a balloon, I ate nothing but toes for three days.
- Hello! - Oprah?! You're on Mars too? Don't tell me you boys are eating each other? Just some chums gassing around.
Well, maybe you'd like some fresh vegetables to go with dinner.
What is this? A poo-cumber? No, silly, they're fresh from my garden.
[BIRDS TWEET.]
How the hell did you get to Mars? My driver brought me.
I've got summer homes everywhere.
Anyway, eat up, it's only a third of the Earth's gravity here so calories don't count.
Do you know what this means? We can go home! Lord Oprah! Can you please make me whole first? I can't put your arm back, but I can do better with festive harvest corn.
Craft day! [MUSIC.]
For the first time in decades, Scotland has qualified for a major football tournament.
- It's fan-dabby-dozey.
- Aye, First Minister.
How do we handle the game against England? Well, one thing's for sure, I won't be like Boris and use it as an excuse for flag-waving nationalism.
Only 2-0 down at half-time.
[CHANTING.]
I declare a referendum! - I knew devolution was a bad idea.
- Glasgow kiss! [ANNOUNCER.]
Ed Sheeran, Billie Eilish, Grimes.
Three of the world's wildest pop stars travelling together on one tour bus.
Our cameras were there to capture the carnage on Access All Areas.
Day one and the tension is already rising.
You drank my almond milk.
I didn't know it was yours.
[SCOFFS.]
Mine has a tarantula on it.
Sorry.
Why don't we just buy two almond milks? That's a good idea.
Day three and it's mayhem.
Ed, is it true you threw a TV out of the window? Actually, it wasn't a TV, it was a TV guide and I didn't throw it, I put it in the recycling bin.
You've got a recycling bin on a tour bus? We've got four.
Blue for paper, - green for plastics - [MAN.]
OK, fine, cut.
Day four and things are about to get spicy.
- Oi-oi! - H-hey! Oh, here we go.
Whoa, is Ed with a groupie? No, that's his accounting tutor.
He's taking his exams at the end of May.
Accounting? It's good to have something to fall back on.
I got the idea from Lady Gaga.
She's training to be a dental hygienist.
Fuck's sake! And what would a tour bus be without a little chemical assistance? What is it? Ecstasy? Ket? Vitamin D.
Really good for the immune system.
So pure.
Whole Foods do really good shit.
I'm so focused, I might do a sudoku.
Are any of you ever gonna do anything fucking interesting? Modern pop stars focused, middle class and tedious.
- I passed my accountant exam.
- Oh, that's awesome.
Way to go.
Congrats.
[MUSIC.]
Mr Hancock, you're the first minister to appear on Good Morning Britain in over 200 days.
- Well, thank you for the chance to - There's one question the nation needs answering, just how important am I? - I'm sorry? - It's a simple question.
If one is bloody important and ten is more important than God, - how important am I? - I don't have those numbers.
Is it nine? Is it higher than nine? 9.
5? A bit more important than oxygen? Are you serious? No-one's ever called me that.
OK, let me ask you something else.
Just how big do you think my willy is? The Zoom link is breaking up.
You're not on Zoom! How big? I'm gonna restart the connection! Mum! Next, I'll be interviewing a true legend of broadcasting, me! - I bloody love you! - Snowflake! I'm David Attenborough.
[CHUCKLES.]
Lately, I've had a few social media fails and I'm afraid I've used some rather uncouth language for which I apologise.
From now on, I promise to laugh at these little failures like a grown man should.
[WOMAN.]
No-one can see you unless you flip the camera! Oh! Silly me.
I've cocked it up again.
There, look, you can finally see me as I smash this stupid fucking piece of [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Ah! Cristiano! I thought I saw you rampaging through my caviar and cheesy Wotsits.
Yes, I love the fruits of the sea, caviar, sushi, lobster, and OK, the occasional whale.
Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Expensive tastes.
Better watch yourself or you'll end up a fat, broke footballer running a pub in Ipswich! [LAUGHING.]
I needed three kegs of Stella yesterday! No, Carling is not the same! It's mouse piss! Cris, the cat's been at the fish pies again.
I told you before, it's your cat, you pay for mess.
- Right, I quit.
- No, no, I'm sorry.
Don't.
There's no other barmaid for 30 miles! No, there isn't.
Which is why I'm going out for a smoke.
[CURSES IN PORTUGUESE.]
[CROWD CHEERS.]
Messi does it again.
Still playing at almost 50! He wouldn't know a bacon Frazzle from a Mini Cheddar! But enough about your dick! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, what a nightmare.
No more Elton John caviar for me.
- Cris, get me the bleach! - No-o-o-o-o! Scott Morrison and Jacinda Ardern, I am delighted you have joined China's trade bloc.
Here's to a prosperous future with no questions asked.
We're just happy to sell clean, healthy Australian coal.
Practically perfect people don't judge.
We just sing.
Cue chimneys.
Jinping and me Jinping and me We'll do the deal Who cares how the people in Hong Kong might feel Jinping and me Jinping and me What won't he buy? So sorry to the Uyghurs We turned a blind eye.
Ow, Jacinda! Don't complain, we need their laptops.
Admit the next candidate for membership.
Good boy.
Show me your hidey-hole.
Oh, crocodile fuck! Oh, it's everything I imagined, cloaks, a glowing skull, - a modest buffet in a coffin! - Not for you.
Oh, please let me be a member.
Look, I even made my own pyramid hat.
And one for my dog as well.
Isn't that fun? Your dog's already in the Illuminati.
Who do you think made you Prime Minister? I've been running Britain for centuries.
- Well, dog centuries.
- I reject this candidate on the basis that I'm the fat Englishman here.
Then onto new business.
Sex rituals! Look, our dues are down, we're way behind on pyramid rent, we have got to take somebody.
So, you're in, Boris.
Just don't tell anybody.
I would never reveal this organisation's existence.
We mean just don't tell anybody you're in it.
[DOOR CREAKS.]
Is this a bad time? We have got to put a lock on that door.
Worried you won't be seeing any more of me and my great family? Don't be! Because I'm launching the Trump TV network with great, great shows like this.
Late night talk show hosted by that dynamo of energy and excitement, Jared Kushner! [MUSIC, APPLAUSE.]
Tonight's guest, Brad Pitt.
Hey, Jared.
So Er Um what am I supposed to do here? Hello.
Yoo-hoo! Jared, you draw emotional honesty out of me.
It's like therapy.
[SOBS.]
[BLOWS HIS NOSE.]
So, watch Trump TV! The first ten subscribers get a gold toilet with my face on it.
Catholicism.
Heard of her? Pomp, pageantry, attitude, and men wearing fabulous dresses! We call them papal vestments.
Nah.
Franny here is thinking it's time to retire and pass on his tiara.
But how's he going to choose a new Pope? I want to engage younger people, make them feel part of the fun.
That's why he called me.
If you want to choose the next Vatican king, honey, you need a queen! RuPaul's Pope Race Start your engines RuPaul's Pope Race May the best Catholic win! First up, Angelo Scola, working a classic cardinal look.
I am giving you scarlet red, scarlet fever, Scarlett Johansson.
I am serving a statement necklace.
And that statement is, I feel papal as hell! This queen's looking to excommunicate the competition.
He's from Milano, right? I love their cookies.
Scola is a great scholar and a keen promoter of inter-religious dialogue.
Next up, Brazilian cardinal, Odilo Scherer.
[CHEERING.]
Scherer? I don't even know her.
I am dusting the wrong way in this black duster.
Christian Dior said black is essential to any wardrobe.
I'm pretty sure he was Christian.
It's like Reese Witherspoon, classic, clean and no surprises.
The Church has always been good at cover-ups.
[CHEERING.]
Wow.
He just turned water into frosé.
I thought this would be more of a liturgical competition.
Next up, His Eminence, Timothy Dolan giving us body-ody-ody in old school Vatican opulence.
I am serving fish during Lent with this look.
You know life begins at conception of this outfit, bi-atch! Look at that egg on his head.
Someone's getting laid.
[TEIGEN.]
It's a small cock, but I like what he's doing with it.
- Ow.
- Ooh, mea so culpa.
I don't know what made that happen.
Oh, Lord, humiliate my competition until I sit on that sweet Pope throne.
Hey, you can't pray in here, that's cheating.
Babes, have you cheated on me? - Are you shagging someone else? - No! Well, get on with it, I need to write a new album! Ha! Friends, I've called you here today because of a problem that affects all of us simple Wyoming ranch owners, Gwyneth, Brad, Oprah, Billie, Elton and David, we came here because we believe in freedom.
[AGREE.]
Testify! On my ranch, I can do an honest day's work for an honest day's wage.
What is that? Like, $2 million? And I don't have to impress people with my wild costumes, just down-to-earth Western wear.
[LAUGHS.]
The great, steaming cracks in the Wyoming landscape - are nature's vagina.
- Does she ever say a sentence that doesn't have the word vagina in it? Here, no one cares if you strip-mine crystals for your healing yoni eggs.
Yoni's just another word for vagina! She done did it again! As for me, I want to build a giant meditation crater that will broadcast my inner thoughts to the outer planets.
But some Washington man says I can't.
Unless I sign a damn form.
[BOOING.]
Fuck regulatory overreach! Out here, a man has a right to his crater full of Tibetan singing bowls and scent misters.
- That's the smell of freedom.
- Will you join my fight? Yes! We celebrities stand with you and your mind-expanding smell hole! [CHEERING.]
And I, David Furnish, stand nearby.
Grab your weapons! - Smash day! - Yeezy! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
Ladies, the judges have weighed in.
Angelo, I'm sorry, dear, sashay away.
Now, before I make my final decision, it's time for you to lip-sync for your eternal life! [GREGORIAN CHANT PLAYS.]
There must be some way out of this contest.
Too late, Pope Francis, I've made my decision.
And the winner of RuPaul's Pope Race is [MUSIC.]
.
.
me! Because who else could it be? Please tell me you at least own a Bible.
Don't worry, Franny, I can't take the job.
I'm still doing Drag Race.
And, quite frankly, I think it's gonna be around a lot longer than Catholicism.
- So, bye-ee! - Well, I learned something.
In nomine patris et spiritus sancti girlfriend! This is my seventh World Championship win here in Turkey.
I dedicate it to the kids who say, "I want to grow up just like Lewis Hamilton and work for justice by getting paid huge sums to race in a country with a dodgy human rights record.
" And to all the haters, hear this, as long as there is inequality, I will speak out.
Generally from my tax-sheltered yacht in Monaco.
[CHEERING.]
I get free champagne! [MAN READING.]
'Once, there were three bears living in the forest.
' Hey, someone broke our furniture.
And ate our porridge.
There she is.
Hey, private property is just a tool of the patriarchy.
- I'm squatting here.
- Call the police, Papa.
They're here to protect everyone, including brown bears.
Good luck.
We de-funded the police.
- They'll just send a social worker.
- Not in this forest.
Get moving, you slob.
Support the police in your neighbourhood.
Help them help us.
'Paid for by the Police Union.
' Today is the day I square off against that Federal EPA man.
High noon, he said.
What time is it? According to this watch you gave us, it's two sneakers past ye.
Kanye West.
Are you ready to sign this here regulatory document? [CHUCKLES.]
Hold on, this is real, Kanye.
You're actually going up against the Federal Government.
We thought this was one of your performance art pieces.
Vagina.
There she goes again, dagnabbit! Wait, where's my posse? And why do I hear Oprah's jet? Your friends are gone, Kanye.
It's just you and me.
You're gonna have to beat me Old West style.
Or should I say, Old Kanye West style? [CHIMING.]
[BEAT PLAYS, SCRATCHING.]
Oh, God, not a rap battle.
Meditation crater 14 miles wide Meditate on this Or I'll tan your hide No Federal Agent Should have all that power To stop a hole That smells like a flower Section 1B paragraph 3 Don't harm any animals Above the knee Do me a favour Sign the waiver You can even e-sign It's a paper saver Can't stop me with rules What are they worth? I'm blasting my crater Into Mother Earth.
Singing bowls! [CHIMING.]
[RUMBLING.]
Who's that? Who that? It's me, Mother Earth! Quit your shit I'm that bitch Gaia I got the rhymes You know they be straight fire Billionaires And governmental regulations Are no match for My seismic vibrations You both tryna own me You tryna control me Sign your stupid form And blast a hole in me But I gave you this land And I can take it back I'll suck you into my crevice My crack! [COW MOOS.]
So you see I got the power You been schooled by Gaia And if you wanna date me You can find me on Raya! [RUMBLING.]
Was that real life? Or just a hallucination from the CBD oil in the misters? There's a difference? What matters is I have been humbled.
There are greater powers in the universe than me.
- I will sign your form.
- Great.
So it was all solved by a message from Mother Earth vagina.
Dang it, she got me saying it! Hive control, commence departure sequence.
[MAN.]
'The train now leaving from platform 5 is the 14:57 service to Durham.
'