Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020) s01e09 Episode Script

1
♪
[WHOOPING]
[CHEERING]
The lizard men will no longer
be subject to rat oppression!
[CHEERING]
Aw, they're not oppressed.
We raise them as food.
They-they like it.
Well, we are delicious.
No. You should be free
to do whatever you want.
- What do lizards like to do?
- Mm, bask?
Okay. Then you should bask
without fear of being eaten.
Well, that does sounds nice.
[GROANS] This will not stand!
Buddy, my captain's
on the way right now.
It's funny. Normally, I'm, like,
a huge disappointment to her,
but this time she's gonna be pumped
that I rooted out injustice.
And here comes the praise,
- in five
- Attention, everyone.
I'm afraid my ensign
has made a huge mistake.
- What?
- Starfleet is forbidden
from interfering in
your planetary politics.
You will be free to
determine your future
without our influence.
What? How could you Oh,
screw the Prime Directive!
[GRUNTS]
[QUIETLY]: Hey.
You are way out of bounds here.
They're eating those guys.
What am I supposed to do?
Report it to me.
Now I have to explain why
there's an interspecies war
on a planet that was peaceful yesterday!
Oh, so you're yelling at
me for spreading freedom
because you don't feel
like filing a report?
- [SHOUTS]
- [SHATTERING]
Mariner, I swear, if you
weren't my daughter,
you'd be off the Cerritos.
If I wasn't your daughter,
you wouldn't be such
a bitch all the time!
That's it. That's it! When
we get back to the ship,
- you are going straight to
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
Straight to the brig. Shocker.
Oh, you're not going to the brig.
You're going to therapy.
What?! You think I need therapy?
What? That's No!
It's the '80s, dude.
We don't have psychiatric problems.
You're a loose cannon.
I don't care how many lizards you save.
You need professional help.
Dr. Migleemo? Oh, he's the
worst counselor in the fleet!
He just tosses out
nonstop food metaphors!
That's an order, Ensign.
Freeman to Cerritos.
- One to beam up.
- [GROANS]
I don't need therapy!
Okay, look, will you
stop eating these guys
if we give you food replicators?
Ha. I don't know. Can
they make nutrient pellets?
[SCOFFS] Yes!
♪
♪
♪
[MIGLEEMO TSKING]
Mariner, this report is
a veritable fruit salad
of insubordination.
I don't want to be here.
I broke the rules.
I'm supposed to be in the brig.
Sorry. Captain's orders.
She wants us to meet every week,
cooking up some healthy strategies
to marinate you into the
officer she knows you can be.
I don't want your help!
I want to show the
captain that she's wrong
and then get put in the brig!
Full stop, Beckett.
We need to find an
outlet for all that rage.
Have you ever made paella?
[GROANS]
[TRAP MACHINE LAUNCHES]
Nice shot, da Vinci!
- Grazie.
- Hey, guys.
Do you mind if I take over the deck?
I've got a big evaluation with
Captain Freeman this afternoon.
She's selecting eager
to please candidates
for her advanced diplomacy workshop.
Problem is, I don't know
how eager to please.
Ugh, I got to practice.
Computer, load program Boimler seven.
- Ciao, da Vinci.
- Ciao, Tendi.
Ugh, you simulated the crew?
Yeah, that way, I can pre-interview
so I don't make any
mistakes when it's for real.
I uploaded seven years of entries
from the entire crew's private logs
Aren't those private?
and it algorithmically created
a perfect simulation of
everyone on the Cerritos.
They'll respond exactly the
way they would in real life.
Ah.
Hey, buddy. How's it going?
Don't talk to me! I'm pissed off!
Whoa! Amazing! We had that exact
same conversation an hour ago.
Yeah. Ah. All I got to
do is feed it a scenario.
Then the simulated
crew fills in the blanks.
It'll give me an edge in my interview.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- Ahoy, Cap'n.
- "Ahoy"?
See? I just learned not to say that.
Congrats on the brownnosing
program, butt-kisser.
Only you would Wait.
This is a perfect simulation?
[CHUCKLING DIABOLICALLY]
What was that?
Hey, hey, what are you doing?
"Interior. Rickety
metal catwalk. Night"?
Mariner! You can't write
that about the captain.
Why waste this on some
dumb interview prep?
- I'm putting in my own parameters.
- If Freeman sees this,
you'll get court-martialed.
What did she ever do to you?
You say I need therapy?
Okay, I'll go to therapy.
Mariner, don't touch my
code! Don't touch my
Therapy!
[BEEPING]
What the hell? What did
you do to my program?
I made it into an awesome movie.
Oh, I'm gonna work some [BLEEP] out.
- [LAUGHS]
- [ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GASPING]
- [CHUCKLES]: All right!
- [WHOOPS]
- Ooh, nice font.
No, no, what are you
talking about? A movie?
What, you wrote out a
whole script in two seconds?
- [GROANS]
- I just, like, hit the act breaks,
- couple set pieces.
- Set pieces?
The computer's filling in the rest.
I made parts for the crew and all of us!
It's gonna be great!
I don't want to do a movie!
That's okay. You were kind
of a Xon, to be honest.
You probably weren't
gonna make final cut.
- Who's Xon?
- Exactly.
Ooh, I've always wanted
to be in a movie!
[GASPS] Can I be the voice of the ship?
"Red alert! Red alert!"
No, no, I got the perfect part for you.
- You're gonna love it.
- Guys!
This is an important work tool,
not a fun thing to
have a good time with.
Boimler, pipe down. Shh.
Come on, the credits.
[GROANS] I don't want this.
- I just want to prep.
- Well, tough.
You're just gonna have
to wait till it's over.
Come on, come on, come on,
let's go get into costume.
- Okey-dokey!
- [WHOOPS]
I'm not getting in anything.
Mariner! I want these credits gone now!
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Hmm.
Wha? [SCREAMING]
♪
[LAUGHING]
Yeah! [WHOOPS]
Happy birthday, Captain!
I might be getting up in years,
but I still hold the
hydroscoot speed record
back at the Academy!
- Captain out!
- [SHOUTS]
- RANSOM: Whoa!
- [LAUGHING]
- Get him, Captain!
- Shut up!
I'll kill you! I
Oh, I can't stay mad.
[LAUGHING LOUDLY]
Good one, Cap'n!
I don't remember giving you
permission to scoot with us, Ensign.
Yeah, actually, I need
to borrow the cap'n
- for a quick interview.
- It's her birthday!
Um, can I at least ask
what she likes more,
when bridge officers
arrive early or stay late?
A question like that makes me think
you're asking the wrong questions.
Good to know.
Sorry to interrupt your vacation.
This isn't a vacation.
- It's important scientific research.
- [CHIME]
Vacation's over.
VASSERY: Sorry for the short
notice, Captain Freeman.
Not a problem at all, Admiral.
- How can we help?
- We've received a bizarre message
from the leaders of Idlocana XI.
Their president wanted to thank us
for a wonderful second contact
with the crew of the San Clemente.
So? What's wrong with that?
Starfleet doesn't have a San Clemente.
Whoever second-contacted
them wasn't our ship.
[GASPS] What a mystery.
Uh, whose boy is this?
Ensign Brad Boimler, sir.
Here to learn.
This impostor
you want the Cerritos to investigate?
Get in, get me intel, then get out.
And, Freeman, stick
to the plan this time.
If this was actually happening,
they'd send the Enterprise.
But, you know, artistic license.
Luckily, the Cerritos just
went through some upgrades.
We should be more than
suitable for the task.
The Cerritos is ready to
launch whenever you are.
Oh.
There she is.
♪
♪
♪
♪
She never fails to take my breath away.
- I wish I could kiss her and squeeze her.
- Excuse me?
Uh, uh, the Cerritos is a handsome lady.
You're damn right about that, Boimler.
[GASPS] Call the ship a handsome lady.
Hmm.
Captain, we're ready for your command.
Mm, time to take this
puppy off its leash.
Warp speed.
♪
The selenium rings are
disrupting the sensors, Captain.
I'm not detecting any Federation
Hold on.
- Enemy vessel decloaking!
- Raise shields!
[LAUGHS]
Like a rat to the bait, Freeman.
Predictable as always. [LAUGHS]
- Who is this marauder, Captain?
- I don't know.
I am Vindicta, vengeance personified!
At last, Freeman.
I will bathe in your blood.
Oh, boy, somebody's
really laying it on thick.
Behold my three henchmen of the apo
of the Vin-pocalypse.
Tendi, my savage warrior queen
who comes from a long line
of thieving Orion pirates.
[CLEARS THROAT] Yeah,
nobody messes with Orions.
I'll steal from anyone and
never give it back. Theft!
And, uh,
B-Bionic 5,
half man-meat, half
robot-meat, all pain.
100% pain.
Tremble at the sight
of the great Vindicta!
And Shempo.
I'm Shempo. I was supposed
to be played by Boimler.
Okay, come on. I don't sound like that.
I love my captain, and I
don't want to be doing this.
All right, that's not too far off.
You're posing as Starfleet. Why?
Because I do what I want!
Ugh, you're a jerk, Freeman.
You're nothing but a
propped up errand girl,
blindly licking Starfleet's
boot and begging for heel.
Oh! Vindicta got your ass.
Look, there's no need
for theatrics, all right?
- I'm sure you're a reasonable
- Shempo got you tea, master.
This is coffee!
I was Shempo.
- [ALL GASP]
- That poor Shempo!
You didn't have to do that.
Are you out of your mind?
Freeman, you disgust me.
You're a coward who hides behind rank.
You can't even appreciate
your most valuable, creative thinkers.
I am Vindicta! Today you die.
This Vindicta is all over the place.
"Hell is empty, and all
the devils are here.
Our revels now are ended".
Wait, is she quoting "The Tempest"?
"Hell is empty, and
all the devils are
"Hell is empty, and all the devils
- are here".
- FREEMAN: Wait, this is a recording.
It's a distraction.
[GASPS] Winger?
Hi. I'm Lieutenant Lemonts.
Your one-man show took my breath away.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you. Thank
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHS]
[SCREAMS]
Freeman! Bring me Free
- [ALARM BLARING]
- God, these stupid capes. So much fabric.
- [WEAPONS FIRING]
- [GRUNTING]
Bring me Freeman, and I'll let you live.
Never, witch!
[GRUNTING]
RUTHERFORD: Wow.
Boimler did a good job.
Chief Lundy's accent was spot-on.
Yeah, and the way his
face was all blotchy?
- Wait, do you think Billups is in here?
- Eh, probably.
So I can say whatever I want to my boss
with no consequences?
[LAUGHING]
- Hey, wait! We have to hench!
- Tendi, come on.
Pirate it up. Take some slaves.
Oh, uh, you know the whole
"Orions taking slaves" thing?
It's not something I really like to
- Dirty Orion.
- [TENDI GASPS]
Lundy!
- [SCREAMS]
- [LAUGHS]
Give me Freeman! [LAUGHS]
Attack formation Raptor.
This isn't my first
overpowered space warlord,
and it won't be my last.
[GRUNTING]
[LAUGHS] Ransom, you think
you're better than me?
Better at being the
captain's little dick wig.
You can talk the talk,
but can you Ow!
- [MARINER LAUGHING]
- Walk the walk! She can do both!
- Oh, she's walkin' and talkin'.
- Sir, quick,
what's the captain's
favorite type of cookie?
- What?!
- Tell me before you succumb to the pain.
If I were to bake her cookies,
- what would be my best bet?
- [COUGHS]
Cap's got a sweet tooth.
Cookies are a good move.
I've done it myself. But watch out.
She's allergic to [GRUNTS]
[LAUGHS]
Allergic to what? Ransom!
Allergic to what?!
At your stations, people.
This is not a drill.
Billups! Show yourself!
Sir, get down! [GRUNTS]
[PANTING, GRUNTING]
Engineering, evacuate!
Andy Billups!
You think you're the best
engineer in the fleet.
Well, I've wanted to
say something to you
for a long time.
You are the best engineer in the fleet!
- Huh?
- I love how you program subroutines.
It's breathtaking.
It feels so good to say it.
COMPUTER: Warning.
Hydron levels critical.
Damn it! We don't have much time.
Rerouting the vent system
would take a whole team.
If we bypass the indacontrols
and suppress the sativents,
it should function as a
BOTH: Rudimentary plasma filter.
[LAUGHS] Wow, for a
random space marauder,
you really know your
way around a starship.
Aw, thanks.
SHAXS: Intruder!
When you get to hell,
tell the Pah-wraiths
that Shaxs sent you!
Special delivery straight from Bajor!
Ah, shut up.
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS] Borg head?
- Designation: explosive.
- [BEEPING]
[GROANS]
- [WHIMPERS]
- Oh, look!
Oh, Shaxs's earring.
You have to wear it.
- Come here. Come here.
- Uh, I-I don't know.
Isn't there, like,
religious significance?
I mean, some of his ear's still on it.
Come on, dude. Orions are pirates!
Pillaging's your whole thing.
Okay, stop! It is not my whole thing.
And for your information, many
Orions haven't been pirates
for over five years!
Okay, sorry. Look, you can just
be my generic warrior henchman.
Come on! Come on, let's
go torture the cat doctor.
Like, really torture
the hell out of her.
Her name is Dr. T'Ana.
You're way too into
this. This is messed up.
MARINER: It's the
holodeck. It's not real.
- [MAN SCREAMS]
- Die! Die!
[BOTH GRUNT]
What is with you today?
This is not healthy.
- Can we stop the movie?
- No!
No, I'm fine. This is feeling good.
Come on, let me just
take down the captain,
and then we can grab tacos.
I don't want to watch
you phaser the captain.
Phaser? [LAUGHS]
Oh, it's going to be
way worse than that.
I am out of here. Arch.
MARINER: Hey, come on.
This isn't you.
It is, too!
[SHOUTS]
Ransom. Shaxs. Anyone, come in.
[MAN SCREAMS]
No one left to hide behind, Captain.
It's just me and you.
And-and these guys.
[BOTH SCREAM]
You'll never take my ship.
I don't want your ship.
I want you to stop treating me
like I'm the bad guy all the time.
You are the bad guy.
No, I'm not. Why don't
you ever side with me?
I don't even know you.
Exactly!
Oh, my God. You're-you're crazy.
- No, this is crazy.
- [BEEPING]
Sir, her ship.
- The warp core's gone critical.
- Brace for impact!
[LAUGHS]
[ALARM BLARING]
COMPUTER: Warning. Warning.
- [GROANS]
- The ship has crashed. Warning.
[GRUNTS] Oh, damn it.
- [ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]
- [GROANS]
All surviving crew, emergency
evacuation protocol:
Delta Echo.
I'll keep systems functional
for as long as possible.
You can do this. We can do this.
- Cerritos strong! [GROANS]
- [LOUD CRACKLING]
Oh, when are you going to give up
- the "loving captain" act?
- It's not an act!
I'm overflowing with love and affection!
- Oh, shut up!
- You shut up!
Sir, are you okay?
I'll live,
- but the rest of the crew
- Will be fine.
I initiated a rapid repeating
emergency transport sequence
and beamed the entire
crew before we crashed.
What? But that's not possible.
No, it's a movie. You can
beam whatever you want.
You can do all sorts of
beaming stuff in a movie!
What?! That is amazing!
- I learned it from you, sir.
- Uh okay.
[GRUNTING]
- [LAUGHING]
- [GROANING]
What is your problem?!
You've been a jerk since I was eight!
Why do you have to be so hard on me?!
What? I don't know you!
[GRUNTING]
[GROWLING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
[LAUGHING]
Get off my mom, you bitch.
- [BOTH GRUNTING]
- Oh! Wait. What?
You simulated me in
here, too? Not cool, man!
I got private stuff in those logs!
Emergency transport on signal now!
Beckett, no!
Oh, great. Well, now it's just us.
Yeah, thanks for ruining
the awesome captain-murder
this was all building to.
We were supposed to fight
on a rickety metal catwalk.
Oh. Let me make it up
to you. Double punch!
- [GRUNTING]
- Double block.
- Whoa. How did you?
- I know all your moves
- and everything about you.
- [BOTH GRUNTING]
I know you dressed up like
Toby Targ every Halloween,
even when you were too old. [LAUGHS]
And I know you actually
love the warp core!
Take that back. The warp core's lame!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
You only break rules because you know
that's what everyone expects you to do!
If you really were a badass,
you'd do the hard thing and just be
a good officer.
[PANTING]
They're not casting you
as the villain. You are!
[GRUNTS]
Hey, I know you might be
a psychotic space raider
whose boss just destroyed my ship,
but you are all right in my book.
That's a book I'd read cover to cover.
Sir, you're the only person
who can see past my mask,
and knows deep down, I just want
to replace a toranium ops
module with ionizing subcircuits.
I know this is crazy, but do you
want to just I don't know
run away together, and
we could get our own ship,
and we can buffer the phase
coil whenever we want
or or realign the matrix.
We can fix the warp engines on our time.
It would be an honor, sir.
Godspeed, you crazy [BLEEP].
Ugh. Cap'n, I know you've
been through a lot today,
but I made you a platter
of chocolate chip cookies,
and I just want to know what
you think before I give it
to the real you in real life,
so if you could [WHIMPERS]
The captain's allergic
to chocolate. Assassin!
- Great work, Jet!
- [WHIMPERING]
That's the kind of assassin-tackling
that'll land you a promotion.
MAN: Oh, hell yeah, Jet!
Wait, wait. Cap'n, Cap'n,
where do you want me
to see myself in five years?
Don't answer that, Captain.
He's playing mind games!
You're the man, Jet.
- Get him out of here.
- Let's go.
How can I be the man, Cap'n?
I want to be the man!
- [CRACKLING]
- [GASPS SOFTLY]
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS, LAUGHS]
- That's it. Keep up the act.
- [COUGHING]
[LAUGHING]: Oh, you
know so much about me,
but you missed one big thing.
Oh, yeah, here we go time
for one of your snarky jokes.
[COUGHS] Yeah, I may hate protocol,
but I don't hate this ship. [COUGHS]
I don't hate the crew. I
work with my best friends.
The captain's my mom. I
would do anything for her.
Oh, come on. No, you hate the captain.
You complain about her nonstop.
It's like your whole thing!
Yeah, I mean, she's hard on me, right?
She's the captain, and
I'm a pain in the ass.
But if she kicked me off the Cerritos,
[COUGHS] I would be done in Starfleet.
She's watching out for me
the only way she knows how:
in a [BLEEP] up, overbearing, mom way.
Oh, please. The only person
you care about is yourself.
[CACKLES, WHOOPS]
Okay, well, then why
did I let you kick my ass
to buy time for everyone
to get off the ship
before the self-destruct timer went off?
- Wait. What?
- [LAUGHS]
♪
No, no, no, no. No, no, no! Aah!
- No!
- [CHIME]
Wow. I can't believe I just
got my ass kicked by myself
and just Wait.
I guess I like working
on the ship and
Oh, my God. Therapy works.
Guys, therapy works!
Honestly, that was way more therapeutic
than I thought it would be.
I worked through a lot.
I feel great, too. I just wish
I could tell the real Billups
how I feel about him.
Why don't you, man? He's right there.
Nah, I wouldn't want
to bother him. I mean,
look at him. Dude's a stone-cold badass.
Hey, T. I owe you an apology.
The whole Orions-pirate thing.
I-I feel really bad. I'm sorry
if I put you in a weird spot.
Thanks. I appreciate
it, and the truth is,
a lot of Orions are
capitalist, hyper-libertarian,
gangster pirates, just not this one.
- That's why I'm here.
- Oh, well, thanks
for having my back in
there. I owe you one.
Um, so, do you want to maybe go sit
and look at the warp core with me?
Wow, so lame. Yes. Let's do it.
We talking warp core? Ooh, baby, I'm in.
[LAUGHTER]
- Mariner.
- Hey, Cap. Sorry about earlier today.
I was way out of line.
Thanks for looking out.
Later, skater.
"Later skater"? I know
she's up to something!
What did she tell you?
Captain, you know I can't share
what your crew tells me.
That'd be a real ethical pickle.
What?! If she's planning something,
- I have a right to know.
- Carol,
you're being a pineapple right now.
Ugh! Stop referencing foods!
Okay. No more distractions.
I just need to know
what to wear to the
interview. [CLEARS THROAT]
- Computer, continue program.
- [CHIME]
Hey, Cap'n, do you like turtlenecks
- or just standard uniform?
- Against insurmountable odds.
Oh, sorry. You got something
going on here. I'll wait.
As captain, it was an
honor serving beside her.
As a mother, it was a privilege
to call Mariner my daughter.
- Wait. What?
- That's right.
Mariner was my daughter the whole time.
It's a secret we didn't
want anyone to know.
- Uh, uh [WHIMPERS]
- And if someone had ever
found out she was my baby girl,
I don't know what I would have done.
Probably kicked them off the ship,
maybe even court-martialed
them right out of Starfleet.
[LAUGHING]: I was being crazy.
- [WHIMPERS]
- Thank goodness
- nobody ever found out.
- Computer, end program!
- [CHIME]
- [PANTING]
Ooh! [SHRIEKS]
Hey, nerd, we're going to
go stare at the warp core.
You want to? Whoa. You okay?
- [HIGH-PITCHED]: Yeah.
- All right, whatevs. Hey.
Good luck with the interview.
You're gonna do great.
[WHIMPERS]
- [WHIMPERING]
- So, you're interested
in the advanced diplomacy workshop.
Where do you see yourself
negotiating peace in five years?
I uh
Just take a breath and say the
first thing that comes to mind.
- Mariner. [GROANS]
- Mariner what?!
- Uh is hot?
- Excuse me?!
Uh, I don't know! She's not
hot! She's nasty! [WHIMPERS]
[YELLS, CRIES]
[DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN, SHUT]
Ensign Boimler didn't bother to
prepare for interview. Terrible.
Revenge!
- [GRUNTS]
- Not-a today.
Not-a on-a da Vinci's watch.
[MAN IMITATES WEAPONS FIRING]:
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
Chirp.