Strangers with Candy (1999) s01e09 Episode Script
Jerri Is Only Skin Deep
1
[GIRLS YELLING]
JERRI: Over here!
C'mon! Over here! C'mon!
YASMINE: Okay, Jen,
Heather, Stacy, Riahana
C'mon Yasmine!
C'mon, Yasmine, pick me!
Look, I got the legs
of a mongoose!
Uhh, looks like
I'm gonna go with
Peggy.
Peggy?
Sorry, Jer, looks like
you're "odd man out".
Yeah, well, it's your loss!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
I got a wicked arm, y'know!
Whooo, let's go!
Owwww!!
Nice aim, Yasmine!
Sorry, but I'm sure
it's not the first time
you've had balls
slam against your face.
[MUTTERING MOCKINGLY]
GIRLS:
Whooo!
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
Ughn!
G-d it!
I'm not even playing!
Hi, I'm Jerri Blank
and I'm a 46-year-old ex-con,
high school freshman.
You know
High school is a lot like
the slammer.
The food sucks, they tell you
where to go and how to do it
and if someone tries to
make you their bitch,
you just stick 'em
with a shiv in the showers.
Ugnh!
[BOYS CHATTERING]
Hey you there, varsity!
I'm serious now,
I better start seeing
some of your young athletic
faces in my art class, OK?
Hey, Mr. Jellineck?
There's a rumor that you're
running for homecoming queen.
That's a contest
for the girls, P-John.
I'm a boy.
Aw, too bad,
you got such pretty hair.
Ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha
Come here, girl!
Woof! Woof!
Hey, Jer, I got a bone for ya.
Yeah, well, I want
a meal, not a snack.
Oooh! Oooh!
Oooh! Oooh!
Derrick, I can't believe
she's your sister.
Ah, half-sister.
Yeah, but she's all ugly.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
You should run for
homecoming queen, Jerri.
What, are you joking?
I don't think I'm what the boys
consider a "traditional beauty."
Ah, in my country,
you'd be a real queen.
Yeah, well, that's because your
country is ruled by monkeys.
Jerri, that's an
ugly thing to say.
Aw geez, why're
you people so sensitive
about your resemblance
to monkeys?
They're adorable!
Y'know, I guess I'm not so bad.
I do have a winning smile.
What the heck, I'm gonna do it.
Good for you, Jerri.
I mean, why shouldn't I?
Y'know, I used to make a
living on these looks alone.
Well, these looks
And a very friendly
Mexican donkey named Ramone.
Oh, Ramone.
Uummp!! Good times.
We'll see!
Baklava.
Now, can anyone tell me
The tragic irony
of the Trojan war?
Anybody?
Tina.
Umm that horses
are friendly creatures,
yet a hollow wooden one
was used to destroy Troy?
Wrong, and no.
Anyone else?
Chip.
That the mighty
warrior, Achilles,
was killed by a
small cut to his ankle!
Chip is wronger!
Okay
Here it is.
The tragic irony of
the Trojan war is that
though it was fought over Helen,
who was young and beautiful
By the time they rescued her,
ten years later,
she was old and ugly.
But wasn't recovering
the king's wife
reward enough for the Greeks?
Tina, an ugly woman
is never a reward.
Remember that.
Okay, moving on
Spiro, you're Greek.
How do you think Achilles felt
Jerri, what do you have there?
Nothing
Let's have it.
It's nothing.
Let's have it, Jerri,
give it to me.
"My vagina is on fire.
"I'm trying not to
scratch it, Orlando.
"I'm afraid it'll get infected.
"P.S I just know I'm going
to win the homecoming queen.
"That'll show those
sons-of-bitches,
especially Noblet that homo"
Jerri, see me after class.
[BELL RINGS]
You wanted to see me?
Jerri, I am alarmed by the
content of this note
My vagina's been all puffy
Jerri, the other content.
Oh, I just want to be
homecoming queen so badly.
Jerri, I know you want
to be homecoming queen.
We all want to be
homecoming queen.
I just don't think
you should get your hopes up.
Well, why not?
You fall short on so many of
the essential elements.
Like which ones?
A lot of them.
Beauty
Yeah, beauty.
Ohhh
Jerri, look, don't get down.
You wanna hear a little secret?
You're only as ugly
as we think you are.
You understand?
Now why don't you run along.
Go on
Have fun.
You're only young once.
Enjoy it.
You have fun.
[SOBBING]
[SNIFFS]
C'mon, c'm
Aw, G-D it!
What are you doing, Jerri?
You idiot!
What did I let you make me do?
I gotta get my name
out of this ballot box
before anybody finds out.
It's too late, Jerri.
The whole class heard
Mr. Noblet read your note.
That's right.
I'm gonna be the laughing
stock of Flatpoint High!
Well, maybe you'll win.
Yeah, if nobody else
was nominated!!
Shhhh!
Quick, hand me your afro pick!
Oh, that's right, you've
got that coconut head hair.
What have I got
in here, anything?
Yeah, c'mon.
Stand back.
What are you doing?
Getting my name out
Get rid of these
Jerri oh my
That's it, Jerri Blank,
I'm the only one left.
Jerri, you can't
run against yourself
that's right,
I need somebody ugly.
Who could I Shanghai?
No offense.
I'm not Chinese!
I'm Filipino!
Whatever lets you
sleep at night
[BELL RINGS]
Thanks for carrying
my stuff, Becky.
Just trying to help, Spencer.
Of course, Becky Ann Bedecker!
Thank you, Jesus,
Daddy, and the spook!
Very sweet girl, but a face
that I can beat with my ass!
Alright, give way!
Make room!
Nominations for my homecoming
empress are now closed!
Degustibus non disputandem est!
Let's get it on!
Oww! Heh, heh Oh, pardon me.
JERRI: Have you
seen "Booty Call"?
Hey there
Lunchtime, second most
important meal of the day.
Varsity!
You kidders.
Hey, Jerri!
Say, mind if I join you?
Or are you saving all these
empty chairs for somebody?
No
Hey, what are you doing
here, Mr. Jellineck?
Oh, I just like to eat with
you kids every so often.
Keeps me in touch.
Hey, I just heard
about your nomination!
Good for you.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
I've got this one wrapped up.
I don't know, I hear, uhh
Becky Ann Bedecker
is in the race
and she could be
some stiff competition.
Ah, she's a cave dweller.
Yes, she is, but she's a shoo-in
for that Inner Beauty category.
"Inner Beauty"?
What's that?
It's only the most
important category
in the whole competition.
Well, how am I supposed
to flaunt my inner beauty
in front of a bunch of judges?
Well, traditionally, each
contestant helps someone needy.
I don't know anything about
helping people, do you?
Of course, I do.
Why do you think I'm
such a popular teacher
Good one, P-John!
Jerri, if you really want
to win the homecoming crown,
it's inner beauty that
wins people's hearts.
God damn it!
A baked potato?
That hurt!
Look, I'm enjoying this
as much as you people,
but it is gonna to stop now!
[THUD]
Y'know, I really
do wanna win, but
I don't know if
I wanna help someone.
Lemme think about it.
Oh, Jerri!
Ahhh, Jerri
What are you doing
with my crown?
Please, don't soil my memories.
Oh my crown!
Ta dah ♪
Mom, what did you do
to win homecoming queen?
Huh, other than
the obvious, well
I gave the donkey a record
four-and-a-half foot toss.
And for the inner beauty
section
I, ummm
Oh yes I collected Green
Stamps for the terminally ill.
Why?
I was nominated today.
Oh, Jerri.
I'm sorry, kids can be so
cruel in their pranks.
I'll have your father call
Principal Black Man tomorrow.
It wasn't a prank.
It's for real, Stepmother,
and I have a
good chance of winning.
Of course you do, darling,
and I'm a caribou.
Sash please.
Oh, oh
Tsssss!
Hey, dick-lick
Hey, dick-lick, I need to
talk to you for a second.
Take a hike, rub,
I'm making out with Yasmine.
Hey, Jerri, how's your face?
Oh, a lot of the
swelling's gone down,
thanks for asking, Yasmine.
Beat it, plug.
I don't want to associate you
with pleasure.
Well, look, I'll make this
as quick as possible.
As you may have heard,
I was nominated for
homecoming queen, today
More like Queen of the Trolls.
You like that, Yasmine?
That turn you on
when I'm mean to her?
Yeah, yeah it does.
Ohh, me too.
Excuse me!
And since you're varsity and
you guys get to vote for queen,
can I ask who you guys
are gonna vote for?
Becky Ann, all of us are.
Becky Ann?
But why?
Well, that's tricky.
I mean, granted they're
both ugly, right?
Oh yeah.
What can I say?
She helps people.
And since you both basically
cancel each other out on looks,
that's all we have to go on.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You know he's gay, right?
You are so lucky I have
an erection right now.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Homecoming queen nominee
coming through
Crippled boy.
Crippled boy here.
Could you not call me that?
What are you doing, Jerri?
Well, I volunteered to entertain
sickly children at the hospital.
Then why aren't you
at the hospital?
Well, if a tree
is nice in the forest
and no one is there to see it,
does it become homecoming queen?
Hand me my golden
satchels please, Orlando.
Hi there, Jerri.
Oh, hello, Becky.
I hear most of the people
you help can walk
How convenient.
What's wrong with him, Jer?
Don't touch!
Step away!
What this youngster needs is
some light-hearted clowning
to lift his spirits!
Yaaayyyyy!!!
It's time for the animal show!
Whooooooo!!
Where did you
get the chicken, Jerri?
Ohhh, from a
Korean grocer okay
Once upon a time,
there was a princess named
"Cluckers"!
Whoooo!!
[APPLAUSE]
And everybody thought
she was ugly,
but her insides had ruby eggs.
But she was so lonely
Until one dark night
a handsome prince
showed up to the castle.
His name was Prince
Weasel!
Yaaaayy!!!
Prince Weasel!
Whoooo!!!
There we go.
[CLUCKERS CLUCKING]
So, well, at first, alright,
the prince started
circling the princess,
which made the princess
a little nervous.
[CLUCKERS SQUAWKING]
Oh, then he kissed her
on the neck.
Slow down, Prince.
Ohh God.
[WEASEL SQUEALING]
Ohhh God!
He kissed her head off!
Okay, calm down.
Stop it!
It's okay, I'll take you
away from the scary clown.
No, come back!
Everybody, it's okay it's cool.
It's just a little blood
and we've all seen blood before.
[MUNCHING]
Oh my God!!
Get away, go!
Anybody want lemon?
Geoffrey, would I make
a good strawberry blonde?
I've always thought so.
Bring it on, cherry.
Mr. Jellineck,
could I talk to you?
Awww, you're in my sun!
What's on your mind, Jerri?
I don't think I'm good at
helping other people.
Why not?
Well, first of all,
I don't like people.
I like me.
Does everything have to
be about you, Jerri?
Well, I may not be much,
but I'm all I think about.
But that's exactly
how you help people!
Talk about you!
Share what's in here
That's where the
true beauty is
Did I get any color today?
Oh yeah.
Make room for
my big royal heinie!
Noblet, you are in my spot.
Oh, sorry.
Can I lotion you up?
No thank you
Becky Ann Bedecker
already greased me.
Damn!
I hope she didn't use
too much sunscreen.
By homecoming I want to be
as dark as an eggplant.
Jerri!
Where's my lemon?
Ahhhh!
Ho!!
Let's hear it for The Donkettes!
Yeahh!
Whoooo!
Hey, do we know
what time it is?!
Do we all know what time it is?!
It's donkey time! It's
donkey time! It's donkey time!
That's right!
[ORGAN PLAYING "CHOO-CHOO"]
[ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE"]
Whooo!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Yeahhh!
Now it's time to
rope and brand the donkey!
Yayy! Yayy! Yayy!
[PANTING]
I claim this mule for Flatpoint!
Expose his flank,
I only get one chance at this.
Well, Beck, I guess you proved
your insides are
prettier than mine.
What was I thinking me queen!
A boozer, a user
and a two-time loser.
Well, Jerri, maybe
someday you'll learn to
use your horrible past
to help other students
avoid the same road
you traveled.
[VOICE ECHOING]
Talk about you
Talk about you
and we'll do the same
to the charlatan conchs!
But now it's time
to crown our queen!
We're going to hear
from each contestant
as they tell us why
they want to be queen.
Becky Ann Bedecker.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
Before yesterday, I thought being
queen was the most important thing,
but after coming to the aid
of a small wheelchair-bound boy,
I realized that
by helping others,
I've already won my crown.
A crown that fits
snugly around my heart.
Thank you.
Thank you, Becky,
for that heart-warming blather.
Jerri?
[SPARSE APPLAUSE]
How many of you
Want to wake up
in a public bathroom
lying in a pool,
of what you hope,
is your own filth!
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
Any takers?
Hopefully what I've got to say
will keep that
from ever happening.
The Jew in the back,
I know what you're thinking,
you're thinkin', "not me."
Well I'm one tough cookie,
and I couldn't get away with it.
Get away with what?
Whatever it is
you do that I did.
What's your darkest secret?
Maybe I study too much?
Obsessive, just like me.
If I bought a tan dress,
I had to have it in every color.
In bone, in beige, in tan.
You with the hair,
how do you cope
with society's bull?
I just do my best to fit in.
Exactly!
I couldn't hit the street scene
with the squares,
so I'd shoot up a
"hot load" right there
just so I could cope!
How do you get off?
What are you talking about?
Right, escapist
just like I used to be
Go ahead and do
one snort of tick
and you know where
you're gonna end up?
In the bus station
making junk money
by turning tricks for
Indonesian businessmen.
And I know what
I'm talking about,
because I was a
pathological liar,
and everything I'm saying
is the truth.
Thank you.
Jerri! Jerri!
Jerri!
Jerri!
Jerri! Jerri!
Jerri! Jerri!
Jerri!
Jerri!
Jerri! Jerri!
Jerri! Jerri!
Jerri!
Well, we suddenly
have a race on our hands.
Judges, tally your votes!
Tallyho!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
And my new queen is
Yasmine Sarrong!
Oh, my God!
Yasmine?!
She wasn't even nominated!
Congratulations.
This says "Jerri."
Oh, close.
Very close.
Close?! I won!
Jerri, clearly
you have inner beauty.
Now, if you could
take that beauty,
wrap it around your face
like bacon around a fillet,
you'd have something.
Yo, Yassy, wait for me!
Hey, Jerri, I'm sorry
about what happened.
You got robbed, man.
No, Orlando, I learned
a valuable lesson
Being beautiful on the inside
may be its own reward, but
It could never beat
an ass like Yasmine.
Uummph!!
Damn, she's got a nice ass!
Oh look, the donkey's
still kicking.
Lemme show you some tricks
I used to do with Ramone!
Oh, Ramone!
I'll show ya
I'll show ya an easy one
You get the teeth
[GIRLS YELLING]
JERRI: Over here!
C'mon! Over here! C'mon!
YASMINE: Okay, Jen,
Heather, Stacy, Riahana
C'mon Yasmine!
C'mon, Yasmine, pick me!
Look, I got the legs
of a mongoose!
Uhh, looks like
I'm gonna go with
Peggy.
Peggy?
Sorry, Jer, looks like
you're "odd man out".
Yeah, well, it's your loss!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
I got a wicked arm, y'know!
Whooo, let's go!
Owwww!!
Nice aim, Yasmine!
Sorry, but I'm sure
it's not the first time
you've had balls
slam against your face.
[MUTTERING MOCKINGLY]
GIRLS:
Whooo!
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
Ughn!
G-d it!
I'm not even playing!
Hi, I'm Jerri Blank
and I'm a 46-year-old ex-con,
high school freshman.
You know
High school is a lot like
the slammer.
The food sucks, they tell you
where to go and how to do it
and if someone tries to
make you their bitch,
you just stick 'em
with a shiv in the showers.
Ugnh!
[BOYS CHATTERING]
Hey you there, varsity!
I'm serious now,
I better start seeing
some of your young athletic
faces in my art class, OK?
Hey, Mr. Jellineck?
There's a rumor that you're
running for homecoming queen.
That's a contest
for the girls, P-John.
I'm a boy.
Aw, too bad,
you got such pretty hair.
Ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha
Come here, girl!
Woof! Woof!
Hey, Jer, I got a bone for ya.
Yeah, well, I want
a meal, not a snack.
Oooh! Oooh!
Oooh! Oooh!
Derrick, I can't believe
she's your sister.
Ah, half-sister.
Yeah, but she's all ugly.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
You should run for
homecoming queen, Jerri.
What, are you joking?
I don't think I'm what the boys
consider a "traditional beauty."
Ah, in my country,
you'd be a real queen.
Yeah, well, that's because your
country is ruled by monkeys.
Jerri, that's an
ugly thing to say.
Aw geez, why're
you people so sensitive
about your resemblance
to monkeys?
They're adorable!
Y'know, I guess I'm not so bad.
I do have a winning smile.
What the heck, I'm gonna do it.
Good for you, Jerri.
I mean, why shouldn't I?
Y'know, I used to make a
living on these looks alone.
Well, these looks
And a very friendly
Mexican donkey named Ramone.
Oh, Ramone.
Uummp!! Good times.
We'll see!
Baklava.
Now, can anyone tell me
The tragic irony
of the Trojan war?
Anybody?
Tina.
Umm that horses
are friendly creatures,
yet a hollow wooden one
was used to destroy Troy?
Wrong, and no.
Anyone else?
Chip.
That the mighty
warrior, Achilles,
was killed by a
small cut to his ankle!
Chip is wronger!
Okay
Here it is.
The tragic irony of
the Trojan war is that
though it was fought over Helen,
who was young and beautiful
By the time they rescued her,
ten years later,
she was old and ugly.
But wasn't recovering
the king's wife
reward enough for the Greeks?
Tina, an ugly woman
is never a reward.
Remember that.
Okay, moving on
Spiro, you're Greek.
How do you think Achilles felt
Jerri, what do you have there?
Nothing
Let's have it.
It's nothing.
Let's have it, Jerri,
give it to me.
"My vagina is on fire.
"I'm trying not to
scratch it, Orlando.
"I'm afraid it'll get infected.
"P.S I just know I'm going
to win the homecoming queen.
"That'll show those
sons-of-bitches,
especially Noblet that homo"
Jerri, see me after class.
[BELL RINGS]
You wanted to see me?
Jerri, I am alarmed by the
content of this note
My vagina's been all puffy
Jerri, the other content.
Oh, I just want to be
homecoming queen so badly.
Jerri, I know you want
to be homecoming queen.
We all want to be
homecoming queen.
I just don't think
you should get your hopes up.
Well, why not?
You fall short on so many of
the essential elements.
Like which ones?
A lot of them.
Beauty
Yeah, beauty.
Ohhh
Jerri, look, don't get down.
You wanna hear a little secret?
You're only as ugly
as we think you are.
You understand?
Now why don't you run along.
Go on
Have fun.
You're only young once.
Enjoy it.
You have fun.
[SOBBING]
[SNIFFS]
C'mon, c'm
Aw, G-D it!
What are you doing, Jerri?
You idiot!
What did I let you make me do?
I gotta get my name
out of this ballot box
before anybody finds out.
It's too late, Jerri.
The whole class heard
Mr. Noblet read your note.
That's right.
I'm gonna be the laughing
stock of Flatpoint High!
Well, maybe you'll win.
Yeah, if nobody else
was nominated!!
Shhhh!
Quick, hand me your afro pick!
Oh, that's right, you've
got that coconut head hair.
What have I got
in here, anything?
Yeah, c'mon.
Stand back.
What are you doing?
Getting my name out
Get rid of these
Jerri oh my
That's it, Jerri Blank,
I'm the only one left.
Jerri, you can't
run against yourself
that's right,
I need somebody ugly.
Who could I Shanghai?
No offense.
I'm not Chinese!
I'm Filipino!
Whatever lets you
sleep at night
[BELL RINGS]
Thanks for carrying
my stuff, Becky.
Just trying to help, Spencer.
Of course, Becky Ann Bedecker!
Thank you, Jesus,
Daddy, and the spook!
Very sweet girl, but a face
that I can beat with my ass!
Alright, give way!
Make room!
Nominations for my homecoming
empress are now closed!
Degustibus non disputandem est!
Let's get it on!
Oww! Heh, heh Oh, pardon me.
JERRI: Have you
seen "Booty Call"?
Hey there
Lunchtime, second most
important meal of the day.
Varsity!
You kidders.
Hey, Jerri!
Say, mind if I join you?
Or are you saving all these
empty chairs for somebody?
No
Hey, what are you doing
here, Mr. Jellineck?
Oh, I just like to eat with
you kids every so often.
Keeps me in touch.
Hey, I just heard
about your nomination!
Good for you.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
I've got this one wrapped up.
I don't know, I hear, uhh
Becky Ann Bedecker
is in the race
and she could be
some stiff competition.
Ah, she's a cave dweller.
Yes, she is, but she's a shoo-in
for that Inner Beauty category.
"Inner Beauty"?
What's that?
It's only the most
important category
in the whole competition.
Well, how am I supposed
to flaunt my inner beauty
in front of a bunch of judges?
Well, traditionally, each
contestant helps someone needy.
I don't know anything about
helping people, do you?
Of course, I do.
Why do you think I'm
such a popular teacher
Good one, P-John!
Jerri, if you really want
to win the homecoming crown,
it's inner beauty that
wins people's hearts.
God damn it!
A baked potato?
That hurt!
Look, I'm enjoying this
as much as you people,
but it is gonna to stop now!
[THUD]
Y'know, I really
do wanna win, but
I don't know if
I wanna help someone.
Lemme think about it.
Oh, Jerri!
Ahhh, Jerri
What are you doing
with my crown?
Please, don't soil my memories.
Oh my crown!
Ta dah ♪
Mom, what did you do
to win homecoming queen?
Huh, other than
the obvious, well
I gave the donkey a record
four-and-a-half foot toss.
And for the inner beauty
section
I, ummm
Oh yes I collected Green
Stamps for the terminally ill.
Why?
I was nominated today.
Oh, Jerri.
I'm sorry, kids can be so
cruel in their pranks.
I'll have your father call
Principal Black Man tomorrow.
It wasn't a prank.
It's for real, Stepmother,
and I have a
good chance of winning.
Of course you do, darling,
and I'm a caribou.
Sash please.
Oh, oh
Tsssss!
Hey, dick-lick
Hey, dick-lick, I need to
talk to you for a second.
Take a hike, rub,
I'm making out with Yasmine.
Hey, Jerri, how's your face?
Oh, a lot of the
swelling's gone down,
thanks for asking, Yasmine.
Beat it, plug.
I don't want to associate you
with pleasure.
Well, look, I'll make this
as quick as possible.
As you may have heard,
I was nominated for
homecoming queen, today
More like Queen of the Trolls.
You like that, Yasmine?
That turn you on
when I'm mean to her?
Yeah, yeah it does.
Ohh, me too.
Excuse me!
And since you're varsity and
you guys get to vote for queen,
can I ask who you guys
are gonna vote for?
Becky Ann, all of us are.
Becky Ann?
But why?
Well, that's tricky.
I mean, granted they're
both ugly, right?
Oh yeah.
What can I say?
She helps people.
And since you both basically
cancel each other out on looks,
that's all we have to go on.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You know he's gay, right?
You are so lucky I have
an erection right now.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Homecoming queen nominee
coming through
Crippled boy.
Crippled boy here.
Could you not call me that?
What are you doing, Jerri?
Well, I volunteered to entertain
sickly children at the hospital.
Then why aren't you
at the hospital?
Well, if a tree
is nice in the forest
and no one is there to see it,
does it become homecoming queen?
Hand me my golden
satchels please, Orlando.
Hi there, Jerri.
Oh, hello, Becky.
I hear most of the people
you help can walk
How convenient.
What's wrong with him, Jer?
Don't touch!
Step away!
What this youngster needs is
some light-hearted clowning
to lift his spirits!
Yaaayyyyy!!!
It's time for the animal show!
Whooooooo!!
Where did you
get the chicken, Jerri?
Ohhh, from a
Korean grocer okay
Once upon a time,
there was a princess named
"Cluckers"!
Whoooo!!
[APPLAUSE]
And everybody thought
she was ugly,
but her insides had ruby eggs.
But she was so lonely
Until one dark night
a handsome prince
showed up to the castle.
His name was Prince
Weasel!
Yaaaayy!!!
Prince Weasel!
Whoooo!!!
There we go.
[CLUCKERS CLUCKING]
So, well, at first, alright,
the prince started
circling the princess,
which made the princess
a little nervous.
[CLUCKERS SQUAWKING]
Oh, then he kissed her
on the neck.
Slow down, Prince.
Ohh God.
[WEASEL SQUEALING]
Ohhh God!
He kissed her head off!
Okay, calm down.
Stop it!
It's okay, I'll take you
away from the scary clown.
No, come back!
Everybody, it's okay it's cool.
It's just a little blood
and we've all seen blood before.
[MUNCHING]
Oh my God!!
Get away, go!
Anybody want lemon?
Geoffrey, would I make
a good strawberry blonde?
I've always thought so.
Bring it on, cherry.
Mr. Jellineck,
could I talk to you?
Awww, you're in my sun!
What's on your mind, Jerri?
I don't think I'm good at
helping other people.
Why not?
Well, first of all,
I don't like people.
I like me.
Does everything have to
be about you, Jerri?
Well, I may not be much,
but I'm all I think about.
But that's exactly
how you help people!
Talk about you!
Share what's in here
That's where the
true beauty is
Did I get any color today?
Oh yeah.
Make room for
my big royal heinie!
Noblet, you are in my spot.
Oh, sorry.
Can I lotion you up?
No thank you
Becky Ann Bedecker
already greased me.
Damn!
I hope she didn't use
too much sunscreen.
By homecoming I want to be
as dark as an eggplant.
Jerri!
Where's my lemon?
Ahhhh!
Ho!!
Let's hear it for The Donkettes!
Yeahh!
Whoooo!
Hey, do we know
what time it is?!
Do we all know what time it is?!
It's donkey time! It's
donkey time! It's donkey time!
That's right!
[ORGAN PLAYING "CHOO-CHOO"]
[ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE"]
Whooo!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Yeahhh!
Now it's time to
rope and brand the donkey!
Yayy! Yayy! Yayy!
[PANTING]
I claim this mule for Flatpoint!
Expose his flank,
I only get one chance at this.
Well, Beck, I guess you proved
your insides are
prettier than mine.
What was I thinking me queen!
A boozer, a user
and a two-time loser.
Well, Jerri, maybe
someday you'll learn to
use your horrible past
to help other students
avoid the same road
you traveled.
[VOICE ECHOING]
Talk about you
Talk about you
and we'll do the same
to the charlatan conchs!
But now it's time
to crown our queen!
We're going to hear
from each contestant
as they tell us why
they want to be queen.
Becky Ann Bedecker.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
Before yesterday, I thought being
queen was the most important thing,
but after coming to the aid
of a small wheelchair-bound boy,
I realized that
by helping others,
I've already won my crown.
A crown that fits
snugly around my heart.
Thank you.
Thank you, Becky,
for that heart-warming blather.
Jerri?
[SPARSE APPLAUSE]
How many of you
Want to wake up
in a public bathroom
lying in a pool,
of what you hope,
is your own filth!
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
Any takers?
Hopefully what I've got to say
will keep that
from ever happening.
The Jew in the back,
I know what you're thinking,
you're thinkin', "not me."
Well I'm one tough cookie,
and I couldn't get away with it.
Get away with what?
Whatever it is
you do that I did.
What's your darkest secret?
Maybe I study too much?
Obsessive, just like me.
If I bought a tan dress,
I had to have it in every color.
In bone, in beige, in tan.
You with the hair,
how do you cope
with society's bull?
I just do my best to fit in.
Exactly!
I couldn't hit the street scene
with the squares,
so I'd shoot up a
"hot load" right there
just so I could cope!
How do you get off?
What are you talking about?
Right, escapist
just like I used to be
Go ahead and do
one snort of tick
and you know where
you're gonna end up?
In the bus station
making junk money
by turning tricks for
Indonesian businessmen.
And I know what
I'm talking about,
because I was a
pathological liar,
and everything I'm saying
is the truth.
Thank you.
Jerri! Jerri!
Jerri!
Jerri!
Jerri! Jerri!
Jerri! Jerri!
Jerri!
Jerri!
Jerri! Jerri!
Jerri! Jerri!
Jerri!
Well, we suddenly
have a race on our hands.
Judges, tally your votes!
Tallyho!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
And my new queen is
Yasmine Sarrong!
Oh, my God!
Yasmine?!
She wasn't even nominated!
Congratulations.
This says "Jerri."
Oh, close.
Very close.
Close?! I won!
Jerri, clearly
you have inner beauty.
Now, if you could
take that beauty,
wrap it around your face
like bacon around a fillet,
you'd have something.
Yo, Yassy, wait for me!
Hey, Jerri, I'm sorry
about what happened.
You got robbed, man.
No, Orlando, I learned
a valuable lesson
Being beautiful on the inside
may be its own reward, but
It could never beat
an ass like Yasmine.
Uummph!!
Damn, she's got a nice ass!
Oh look, the donkey's
still kicking.
Lemme show you some tricks
I used to do with Ramone!
Oh, Ramone!
I'll show ya
I'll show ya an easy one
You get the teeth