Stripperella (2003) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Hey!
I don't see
any naked cheerleaders
showering down there.
Aaaahhh!
Well, I can't believe
Bruschetta brought her kid
to work again!
You need to be more sensitive.
Lack of childcare
is a serious problem.
Single mothers make up
the largest growing percentage
of the modern workforce.
Workforce, schmerkforce!
This is ridiculous!
Okay, maybe, you have a point.
Uh-oh, that's my stomach!
It always vibrates
when I'm hungry.
I better
go get something to eat.
Wait!
You can't just
She's gone.
It seems like she rushes out
like that at least once a week.
Hello, Kevin.
Mom!
What are you doing here?!
Your father and I
are splitting up.
Split dad
You and dad what?!
Come here, pookie.
You've got a little something
in your nose.
Chief Stroganoff, agent 69
reporting for duty.
Stripperella, good, you're here.
That's a cup of my urine.
I need you to read
the little stick thingy there.
Is this a pregnancy test?
Yes, I missed my period
this month,
and I'm afraid
I might be pregnant.
Sir, you can't get pregnant.
Right
Thank god I'm a virgin.
Now, let's get down to business.
All the smart students
at Saint Vincent Barbarino
high school
have been disappearing.
The nerds, the science geeks,
mathletes, asians,
brainiacs, poindexters.
I get it, the smart kids.
I want you to go undercover
as a student
and find out
why this is happening.
Wouldn't it make more sense
for me to go undercover
as a teacher?
There's no time to make sense.
Students' lives are in danger!
Oh, does this mean
I get to go shopping
for back to school clothes?
Well, I happen to know
there's a sale on belly shirts
at Flinderman's.
Now, listen,
posing as a high school student
could be extremely dangerous.
You could end up dead
or worse
You could get knocked up
by some cocky senior,
or wind up with really bad acne,
or lose homecoming queen
to that bitch Suzy Finkel.
Or drop the ball in the big game
or not get asked to prom.
Oh, what a beautiful fungus!
I put ink on the microscope,
and, now, you look funny!
Got you back!
That's not really soda,
it's boric acid!
My innards
are gonna burn for days!
I might even have to be
hospitalized!
Hey, Hal, Bernard.
Oh, hi, Stripperella.
What have you got for me, guys?
Since you're going
back to school,
we packed you
a very special lunch.
We put it in a
Stripperella lunchbox.
You know, all the profits
from these lunchboxes
go directly into my anus.
Your anus?
Yeah!
You know, my charity.
"Animals need
universal support".
A.N.U.S.!
Right.
Of course.
I knew that.
Well, back to your box.
We packed you
a fruit roll-up ladder.
It's apricot.
A banana phone.
It's a little green, right now.
Don't answer it for a few days.
Give it time to ripen.
This may look like an ordinary
cheese sandwich on white bread,
but it's not, it's wheat bread!
But that's not all.
Look what happens
when you bite it!
A razor-sharp slice
of Monterey Jack.
It also comes in Cheddar,
Gouda, Swiss and Tofu cheese,
in case you're trying
to kill a vegetarian.
How thoughtful!
Finally, a super-charged
blasting thermos.
When shaken and opened,
it sends a stream of liquid
so powerful,
it can blast through
eight inches of solid steel.
You never know
when I'll have to save my life
or the lives of others
by blasting through
eight inches of solid steel.
Hey, why does it smell like
the chief peed in here?
Ew!
Hi, I'm Woody boom!
I'm a stud football player
and I'm a senior.
I've been one
for five years, now.
What's your name?
Uh, Cathy.
Cathy Teria.
You're so fine.
How's about meeting me
in the parking lot
before school?
Uh, Woody, we are in
the parking lot before school!
See all the parked cars?
And the sign that says,
"parking lot"?
Hey!
You're not one of those
super smart kids, are you?
Because they all act
like they're so smart!
And they have no respect
for fifth-year seniors!
Sometimes, I wish they'd
all just disappear!
I'm Josh Justin Jason,
girls are crazy about me
because I look like
I'm in a boy band!
But I want you!
There's a lot of competition
being the best looking,
most talented guy in school.
Sometimes, I wish
I could get rid of anyone
who gets in my way.
Well, nice meeting you!
Maybe, later, I can give you
a healthy injection
of vitamin Josh!
See ya!
You're so lucky.
I wish I could get
Josh Justin Jason
to sexually harass me.
Hi, I'm Vicky bump,
I'm smart as hell.
Aren't you scared?
I've heard that
all the smart students
have been disappearing
here at Saint Vincent
Barbarino high.
I'm not scared.
Besides, who cares
about those losers?
The more they disappear,
the smarter I am.
In fact, there's only one kid
left that's smarter than me.
Cliff rhombus!
Well, I don't wanna be tardy,
see you in class!
I haven't even left
the parking lot yet
and there's already
three suspects!
One of these days,
I'm gonna get rid
of all you bratty kids,
and I'm gonna start
with the smart ones.
Four suspects.
Oh, don't mind him.
That's Mr. Scruntle,
our custodian,
he wants to kill everyone.
Hey, you're new here,
aren't you?
I'm principal guilty.
Principal guilty?
Interesting name.
I'm Cathy Teria!
So, how about all those
smart kids disappearing?
Weird, huh?
What?!
What are you insinuating?!
I had nothing to do
with those kids disappearing!
You think I know something?!
You think I know something?!
Leave me alone!
All right, class.
Who can tell me what h-2-o is?
I-j-k-l-m-n!
What?
Those are the letters
from "H" to "O", I swear!
It's water, h-2-o is water.
Yes, very good, Vicky.
Now, let's open our modern
mad science books to page 217.
Young lady,
where is your textbook?
I don't have one,
professor Cranium.
Well, miss Teria,
since you're too smart
to have a textbook,
maybe you can explain
D.N.A. To all of us.
D.N.A.
Or deoxyribonucleic acid
is a double stranded molecule
twisted into a helix.
Each spiraling strand,
comprised of sugar phosphate
backbone and attached spaces
is connected
to a complementary strand
by non covalent hydrogen bonding
between paired bases.
Hmm, very nice.
Don't forget, class, we finish
our science project this week,
the papier-mache model
of a volcano.
And we still need
seven more tons of newspaper.
Seven more tons?
That's a big volcano.
This is principal guilty.
I regret to inform you
that another one
of our smart students,
Kurt cortex, is missing.
I have nothing whatsoever
to do with it!
Have a good day.
Don't mind me, honey.
Just act like I'm not even here.
Mom, mom!
Mom, what are you doing?
Vacuuming, this place is filthy!
Forget the cleaning.
Come down from there, right now!
I need to talk to you
about you and dad!
Don't talk to your mother
in that tone of voice!
It looks like Mr. Cranky
needs a time-out!
Go stand in the corner.
I'm an adult, now,
and I will not
stand in the corner!
This is wrong!
I gotta call dad.
As soon as I'm done
standing in the corner.
Looking good!
This is principal guilty.
Cliff rhombus is now missing.
And that brings the total
of missing smart kids up to 12.
I had nothing to do with it!
Ha!
Now, I'm the smartest kid
in the school!
Wait, I got you something,
it's a hair scrunchie.
A regular,
non-tracking hair scrunchie.
Thanks!
Now, I'm the smartest kid
in the school
and I have a hair scrunchie.
Chief Stroganoff?
Agent 69 here.
Stripperella, I just heard
about cliff rhombus.
Do you have any leads?
So far, I have
five strong suspects.
Woody boom, Josh Justin Jason,
Vicky bump,
a crazy custodian
and the principal.
Keep your eye on them,
and, remember
It's crucial that you blend in
and in no way attract
undue attention to yourself.
Ah-ha!
Uh, do you mind?
We're trying to celebrate
our anniversary, here!
We've been dating
two whole weeks!
Hey, there's room for one more!
Stop hold it right there!
What do you think you're doing?
Burying my old mannequin.
This is where I Bury
all my old mannequins.
It's a custodian thing,
you wouldn't understand.
That's a good one!
Hey, guys.
Okay, so you caught us.
We cheated on our history tests,
beat up the hall monitor,
laundered some money
and fixed several
gubernatorial elections.
Does that make us criminals?
Well, yeah, actually that does.
Now, we're gonna
have to hurt you,
'cause you know too much!
We're gonna have to hurt her
'cause she knows too much
yeah gonna have to hurt her
'cause she knows too much
now we've gotta chase her
then we gotta catch her
then we're gonna hurt her
'cause she knows too much
we're waiting we're waiting
and spinning and snapping
we're waiting we're waiting
and spinning and snapping
huh, Stripperella,
where did she come from?
I'm gonna make you
West Side sorry
take this and that
bam
pow
ow, you're hurting us
ow
Not the groin
ow my spleen
ow, you're hurting us
For the record, you guys are
the least threatening gang
I've ever encountered.
Oh, professor Cranium,
thank goodness I found you!
I recalculated your figures
on the geometric dimensions
of the papier-mache volcano.
Given the size of the volcano,
and the fact
that you're using real lava,
an eruption could destroy
the entire city!
It's just too big!
Really?
Are you sure?
Yes, in fact,
I built this scale model
to illustrate my point.
See?
Thanks, Vicky,
that's very smart of you.
Sir, isn't that chloroform,
the chemical agent
that when inhaled,
renders you
temporarily unconscious?
That's also very smart of you!
Dad, you have to get back
together with mom!
You've been married
almost 40 years!
Whatever's wrong,
I'm sure you can work it out.
I don't know.
Your mom's just not
the same person
she used to be.
You know,
in the bedroom department.
I don't know
if I wanna hear this.
Your mother used to be wild.
Threesomes, bondage,
silver strainers.
Silver strainers?
You don't wanna know.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
This is mom
you're talking about!
The last couple of years,
your mom has turned
into such a prude!
Sometimes,
I wonder what happened
to the sex-starved nymphomaniac
I fell in love with.
Students,
this is principal guilty.
Vicky bump is missing.
Are you sure?
Yes
Have any of you
gratuitously scantily clad
high school girls seen her?
Give me an "N"!
Give me an "O"!
That's a no, no, no!
Yay!
According
to the scrunchie tracker,
Vicky should be right around
Here!
Darn.
Vicky's glasses.
Vicky's shoe
And her wooden leg.
Time capsule?
The smart kids must be in there!
Cathy Teria, I knew you were
too smart for your own good!
But, now, you're too smart
for my own good!
Professor Cranium?
You're the
That's right,
see you in 50 years!
I figured out who's been getting
rid of the smart kids!
It's Cranium!
He's been putting them
into the school time capsule!
You think?
I can't believe we're gonna be
stuck down here for 50 years!
I'm gonna miss the homunculus
meteor shower
in July of 2034!
We're not gonna
make it 50 years.
Cranium's giant
papier-mache volcano
is going to erupt in 15 minutes
and destroy the entire city!
Including us!
"A giant volcano"?
"15 minutes"?
"Erupt"?
"Entire city"?!
"The"?
We've got to do something!
It has long been my dream
to create
the world's first life size
working papier-mache volcano.
Now, that dream is about
to become a reality,
but before I push the button,
activating the harmless,
simulated eruption,
does anybody
have any final words?
I mean, questions.
Yeah.
Professor, what's the helicopter
with the engine running
doing over there?
It's just sitting there,
running.
I'm just asking.
Um, no more questions!
We've got no time to lose!
Everyone turn around.
Okay, you can turn back around.
Stripperella!
How did she get in here?
Stand back!
It's no use, Stripperella.
That cover is eight inches
of solid steel.
Okay, everyone, stand back.
Supercharged blasting thermos,
don't fail me now!
Stripperella did it!
We're saved!
Here, you can use this fruit
rollup ladder to climb out.
It's apricot!
Hey, where's Cathy Teria?
Okay, here comes
the harmless eruption.
Oh, who am I kidding?
This is going to kill you all!
Suckers!
Not so fast!
Stripperella?
So long, Stripperella!
I'm going to transfer
to another high school,
and build an even
bigger life-size
working papier-mache volcano,
and you can't stop me!
Look out!
She's got a sandwich!
Say cheese!
Well, professor,
this is usually when my foes
reveal the backstory
to their fiendishly-evil plots.
So, go ahead,
why did you do this?
It's just something
I've always really wanted to do.
Oh, please!
It can't be that simple.
You weren't picked on
by other kids?
You didn't lose your parents
in a freak volcano accident?
Making a volcano
to destroy the city
is just something
I've always wanted to do!
Hey, look, a button!
I love buttons!
I just want you all to know
I had nothing to do with this!
Looks like you're all doomed!
Well, now,
that you can't escape,
you're doomed, too.
Oh, no!
I take back
the maniacal laughter.
I don't want to die!
How do we stop the volcano?
It's impossible.
You have to get
to the detonator thingy,
and remove the twisty
whatchamacallit
from the doo-hickey!
That doesn't sound so hard.
Where's the detonator thingy?
Inside the volcano!
Oh, and you only have
15 seconds.
I'm going in.
Stripperella, don't go in there!
You'll be killed!
Don't worry, Vicky.
I'm impervious
to all temperatures
and weather conditions.
Hey, how did she know my name?
Okay, where's the twisty
whatchamacallit?
No, that's the twisty doo-dad.
Ah!
There it is.
Got it!
Gimme an "S"!
Gimme a "T"!
Gimme an R-I-P!
Stripperella!
Yay!
Professor Cranium,
does this mean
our test tomorrow is cancelled?
And that's why they call it
a "silver strainer"!
What kind of sick pervert
would let someone
do that to them?
Don't knock it
'til you try it, toots.
Dad, what are you doing here?
Your mother said
she needed to talk to me.
Gentlemen, we have
a special treat for you tonight.
Making her tender loins debut,
Ethel!
Leonard, hand me a fork
from behind the bar.
I wanna gouge my eyes out.
This is dedicated to you,
Nathan.
Going out to you.
Yes, Ethel, yes!
I taught her that move.
Isn't love beautiful?
Kevin?
Kevin?