Sunnyside (2019) s01e09 Episode Script
Sigma Triangle Squiggly Thing
1 Oh, sorry I'm late, guys.
You do realize we're in your apartment.
Well, actually, it's my sister's apartment, and I fell asleep in the bath.
Before we get started, Hakim, you want to, uh, give us the corrections from last week? You know, we would save ourselves a lot of time if you would just bother to research these things before class.
No, I like it my way better.
Okay.
Here we go.
Black Tuesday is the day the stock market crashed in 1929, not the day they have dope sales on flat screens.
Right.
I meant Blue Monday.
"I am the law" is a line from the 1995 film "Judge Dredd" and not how Supreme Court justices introduce themselves.
Or so you say.
John Quincy Adams was John Adams's son, not his badass crime-fighting alter ego.
Okay, can we just get on with class, please? I want to go home and get a good night's sleep.
Tomorrow's my day off.
Whoa! You have a day off? That's never happened before.
It's very rare, but every so often, all of my job schedules align perfectly, creating one whole day off.
It's like an eclipse.
The next one's in 2027.
Day off? That must be nice.
I am so swamped.
Today I have to look at Instagram and cyberbully Malala on Instagram.
Ugh, how will I get it all done? What are you gonna do? Might I suggest a sensory deprivation experience? You lie in a bathtub with all the lights off, and it costs $900.
Couldn't she just do that on her own? Who would she give $900 to, then? It's okay, I'm just gonna do some things for myself.
You know, like go to the grocery store and clean my kitchen and replace the HVAC machine in my building and fix all the potholes on my street and Babe, no, no, no! You have to relax.
You are so tense.
I would give you a back rub myself, but Ronan Farrow had to go and ruin that for all of us.
You can just chill here if you want to.
You'll have the whole place to yourself.
Mallory's at a hand surgery convention in Orlando, or as she puts it, her Burning Man.
No, thanks.
I'll be fine.
Okay, well, then let's get started with today's lesson.
Watergate, or how the prequel to Kevin Costner's "Waterworld" brought down a presidency.
Damn, Hakim, can we please just wait for next class? Isn't it cute? That's a hippo? How is it so small? Oh, it's a micro hippo.
Our father figured out how to breed a hippo with a Pomeranian.
Yeah, it is so wrong.
We taught him how to fetch, roll over, and speak.
Yeah, he says, "Please kill me".
Oh, let me get these for you.
Can I bring you some menus? I thought this was your day off.
Oh, it is.
I'm just, you know, taking your orders and cleaning your table as a friend.
Oh, are we able to start? Because I thought I'd give the men's urinal a deep hand-scrub if there's time.
You know, as a friend.
Griselda, you need to take better care of yourself.
I am taking care of myself.
This morning, I went on a nice walk.
I was pushing a lawnmower, but it really centered me.
Oh, by the way, I promised my mailman I would build him a gazebo, so does anybody need anything while I'm out? Ooh I mean, if you're offering, would you mind swinging by my place? I left a Hot Pocket in the microwave, and I think it might still be warm.
- Garrett! - It might still be warm! I will do that, and I will caulk any windows if it needs it.
Thanks, babe.
Hey.
If you nibble, I'll know.
You heat up your Hot Pockets? Who does that? I mean, I guess all you strangers can sit at my table that I was at before you got here what's that? You're all some kind of citizenship study group? What even is that? That's weird.
Oh, hey.
- Brady! - What's up, guys? Nice to see you.
- What's up, dude? - Are you the realtor? - Whose house? - Whose house? - Whose house? - You must protect this house! Dude, your mom said you'd be here.
She also answered the door wrapped in a bedsheet, - and there was some guy named - Frank.
- Who was real - Sweaty.
They actually invited us inside.
No.
You don't have to go into that any further.
- Um, what's up? - Great news, okay? We figured out where we're going for the frat's winter trip: Cabo, baby! Boom! And we got a great deal, because the hotel we're staying at is disgusting.
Listen, Cabo sounds awesome, but I don't know if I can make it this year, just 'cause, like, money is tight.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's the best part.
Remember when I did too many shrooms and I almost died in that guy's pool? - Yeah.
- Well, my dad sued his ass, and now I got all his money.
Oh, sick.
Start packing.
Just the essentials.
Swimsuit, beer bong, regular bong, butt bong I'm definitely gonna pack all my bongs.
Thank you so much.
It's the least we can do.
A fraternity is built upon a foundation of brotherhood and respect.
All right, man.
We'll see you at the house.
We're having a bunch of old ladies do mud wrestling while we whip bologna at their butts.
Cool.
Have fun.
Oh! You're going to have a day off.
You're gonna learn how to relax if we have to tie you to the massage table and inject you with tranquilizers ourselves, which normally costs extra, but trust me, it's worth it.
Now give me that tush.
How did you get here before me? - Subway.
- I took the subway.
No, you took the subway, and we took our subway, which is below the gross one, and all our subway performers went to Juilliard.
Oh, wait, that's exactly the same as the regular one.
Let us teach you the art of self-care, our area of expertise.
Along with Frisbee golf.
Surprising, I know.
No, I don't have time for this.
No.
You are not leaving this room.
You are Brie Larson, and we're that weird scary guy who forced you to be in "Kong: Skull Island".
Well, can I at least take Garrett his Hot Pocket? He's a growing boy.
What she said.
- A lot of - Hakim.
You're a doctor, right? Uh, I was in Ethiopia.
I would tell you I was the George Clooney of my hospital, but I think we're all well aware I was the Julianna Margulies.
Cool, so you, like, know how the human body works and all that junk? - Sure.
- Great.
I need you to hit me in the face with this hammer.
I can explain.
My fraternity wants to take a trip to Cabo San Lucas.
Yeah, gonna need a bit more explanation than that.
Really? Okay.
I have DACA, remember? Which means I can't leave the country.
All right, now that we're all up to speed, this face is not gonna smash itself.
You haven't told your fraternity brothers - you're an immigrant? - No, of course not.
- Why not? - Because I'm worried if they find out my status, they're gonna treat me differently.
They're not gonna see me as the guy who chugged half a pitcher of beer, barfed it back into that pitcher, and then chugged the whole thing on a dare.
They're gonna see me as an immigrant.
So? There's no shame in being an immigrant.
Just fear.
Hey, you just want to be seen as one of the guys, right? I can relate.
Look, it was really hard for me, growing up as an American-born Indian guy.
Half the time, I'd get called Apu.
- What'd they call you the other half? - Kwik-E-Mart.
I guess that half couldn't remember Apu's name.
But listen, it's not like you're lying to them, man.
You're just avoiding a truth.
You know, society would completely collapse if we all told the whole truth all the time.
For example, did you really need to know that, three hours ago, I was searching "Helen Mirren old boobs" on my phone? I mean, a little.
What'd you find? Ugh, not the thing I was looking for.
Uh, wait, I think your friends will be okay with it, huh? They certainly seemed awful.
Uh, but not in that particular way.
I guess it couldn't hurt.
Hey, it's your choice, okay? If you don't want to tell them, you don't have to.
No, don't listen to him.
Be proud of who you are.
You can be an immigrant and the guy who drank his own vomit.
I'll think about it on one condition.
You smash me in the face with this hammer.
- No! - Ugh, fine.
Thanks for coming back.
I-I have some bad news.
They can't prove that I pooped in that computer lab.
The coast was clear, and I busted all the cameras first.
No, it's not that.
As much as I want to I can't go to Cabo.
Why not? Is it because the empty hotel pool is filled with starving coyotes? They'll only attack you if you look at them.
No, it's not that.
Um, the truth is, I I can't go because I'm Dying.
Ooh, yes! He lied! That was my thing! You owe me 50 bucks.
- We didn't bet.
- Oh.
Well, then He did my thing! Can I borrow 50 bucks? Oh, crap, dude.
You're dying? Like, permanently? How much time do you have left? Because I'm hungry, and I was gonna make a Taco Bell run.
I don't have to go now, but I am hungry.
I'm not sure.
I I may not be dying.
It's complicated.
My my doctor can explain.
Uh, this is Hakim.
You're on a first-name basis with your doctor? That's how serious this whole thing is.
Uh, we've grown very close because of my, uh Penis inversion.
Yeah, one of the most complete I have ever seen.
Unfortunately, it has affected Brady's ability to make good decisions.
Joking! We find that laughter helps us cope in such dark times.
Hi, there, gentlemen.
I am, uh, Dr.
Garrett Silverheart, MD.
I'm Brady's other doctor.
I'm sorry to say that your friend is suffering from what we in the medical profession call "an illness", and tragically, it is stage four.
- Mm.
- My grandma had that.
Now, luckily, we caught it early enough, which means that, with the right treatment, surgery, stethoscope, ear flashlight, et cetera, Dr.
Hakim here and I believe that young Brady will, one day, walk again.
He can walk now.
Yes, but to where, and for how long? Sadly, we've given him strict orders not to travel for the next one month.
Dang it! Just dang it, guys.
I wanted to go so bad, but dang it! You you heard my doctor.
A stage four illness.
Dude, don't worry.
Forget the trip.
The only thing that matters is that you get healthy.
If you die, I want you to know I will break into your apartment, get all the porn off your computer, forward it to myself, and then watch it in your memory.
Thank you.
That's good to know.
Welcome to the meditation room.
So, for self-care to work, you need to only think about yourself and forget that everyone else exists.
Well, that sounds a little selfish.
Oh, you're gonna judge us for being selfish? We don't judge you for being obsessed with helping other people.
Oh, okay.
These pillows are very soft.
Yeah, they're 50% Egyptian cotton and 50% sheep placenta.
And for the next hour, your only job is to shut off your mind, stare at the ceiling, think about Cara Delevingne's eyebrows, and relax.
Oh, okay.
- I can do that for an hour.
- Mm.
Sweet dreams.
If you hear gunfire, stay low.
That's how our dad tucked us in at night.
This round is on me.
- That's just one beer.
- I know.
Everyone takes a little sip, and then you pass it "a-round".
Come on, you're really still mad at me over one little white lie? Technically not even a lie.
I am sick.
I have cancer.
- You do? - Yeah.
Everyone has cancer.
It just lies dormant in the body until it comes out when you're old.
That is incredibly wrong, and I'm upset because you're ashamed of being an immigrant.
I'm not ashamed of being an immigrant.
I just don't want anybody to find out because that would be embarrassing for me.
Hey, guys, hang on a second.
What Brady's doing isn't so bad, okay? Isn't that what we all want, to be viewed as American? You know, when my parents had me and my sister, they named us Garrett and Mallory after Mrs.
Garrett from "Diff'rent Strokes" and Mallory from "Family Ties".
Whoa, I had no idea how friggin' old you guys were.
The point is, they wanted us to be as American as the people they saw on their television.
Yeah, well, some of us don't have the luxury of being able to blend in as much as Brady.
If attitudes are ever going to change, guys like you need to be proud of who they are.
Why is it on me to change people's attitude? Why can't I just be a regular 22-year-old white guy who goes to Cabo after working his ass off all semester to get straight Ds? Ooh, it's been an hour.
- We should check on her.
- Who? Griselda.
Is that that horse we ran over in Mallorca? No, it's the lady we're teaching how to relax.
- Remember? - Oh, right.
Yeah.
Sorry, I keep forgetting about all this "helping other people" stuff.
Do you ever worry that the citizenship class is changing us for the worse? All the time.
It was literally all I could think about at the horse hospital.
Hi! What the hell are you doing? Oh, I-I-I was trying to relax and think of nothing, but then I saw a crack in the ceiling and thought, "What if it's water damage?" But it wasn't water damage, and then I thought, "Well, while I'm up here, I might as well slap on a fresh coat of paint", and then I made you fresh quesadillas.
Okay, I need help.
Listen, Hakim, I thought about what you said, and you know, you're right.
I should come clean with my friends.
I'm not going to, but I should.
Sure.
Go ahead.
Keep lying.
You know who lies? Criminals.
Con artists.
Spies.
Do you want to end up like a spy, lying to a beautiful woman about your true identity, then skiing down a mountain shooting bad guys with a machine gun, then jumping onto a plane where there's yet another beautiful woman? What is the point you're trying to make? Lying is bad.
I thought that was clear.
I won't have to keep lying.
They're going to Cabo, and then when they come back, I'll just tell them that my cancer went dormant again.
You know, it re-absorbed into the body when I walked past a microwave.
My college is very bad.
They'll buy it.
He's right, Hakim.
This'll all just blow over.
Let him do it his way.
And that's how I became the first person to transplant a human heart into a chimp.
- Hi, guys.
- Oh, hey.
'Sup? What's with the shoebox? We talked to the brothers, and we realized we can't go to Cabo without you.
That'd be like going to an Imagine Dragons concert without Graham.
Oh, if you ever did that Oh, just thinking about that makes me furious! No, man, I'd never.
Just giving an example.
So we all returned our plane tickets, took the money, and put everything we had in this shoebox for you.
For your treatment.
Okay, this is bad, but you shouldn't blame yourself.
- I'm not.
- Really? You should.
If you had just smashed him in the face with a hammer a couple times, we wouldn't be in this mess.
This is so thoughtful.
I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
We're gonna be with you as you fight this, every single day.
- Except for game days.
- Right.
Obviously not game days.
And Thursdays are no good because I kind of like to ease into the weekend.
Oh, weekends are bad too.
So we will be with you Monday through Wednesday, every single day except over the summer.
Guys, I can't accept all this money.
But I can take some of it? No, you cannot take that money.
Right, Brady cannot accept this money because Brady's not Brady at all.
We're all actually trapped inside a video game? - Oh! - No, guys.
The the truth is, they're not doctors.
I mean, I am a doctor.
And I'm not sick.
I can't go on the trip because I have DACA.
Oh, wow.
You've got DACA? No way! Crazy! Oh, we we had no idea.
- That's crazy.
- So crazy, right? - What is it? - Yeah, what is it? DACA, it's Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals.
Oh, DACA.
Of course.
- DACA.
- Crazy.
Crazy.
But what is it, though? Yeah, what is that? Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
I really tried.
- I just don't know how to relax.
- Oh, we know.
You're literally lint-rolling the couch as we speak.
I don't even know where this came from.
Have you always been like this? I mean, I guess so.
I mean, back in the Dominican Republic, everyone in my family worked as soon as we were old enough.
When I was six years old, I had a lemonade stand.
Oh, my God.
So cute! Little Griselda, out on the street, selling lemonade.
No, it wasn't out on the street.
It was on a tugboat I was captaining.
When I first got here, I was so proud to finally be making a good living and sending money back home that I took every job I could.
I mean, it was fulfilling.
Maybe working all the time is my idea of relaxing.
- Griselda, I love you.
- Aw.
You've taught me so much, and I think of you as a very good friend, but that is the dumbest load of crap I have ever heard.
She's right.
Self-care isn't just for super rich, uber hot people like me and Mei Lin.
It's also for poor reggos like you.
You work very hard, and you take care of so many people, but if you don't take care of yourself, you're going to burn out.
Okay.
I'll do it.
I'll try and relax.
I just don't know where to begin.
We will start you off slow.
This is Simone, our facialist.
And this is Thorsten.
He's gonna align your chakras.
This is Sequoia.
She's our Reiki master.
She's gonna heal that spirit.
And this is Andrei.
He's gonna hit you with some big oil-soaked leaves.
It's going to hurt, but don't worry, because Yelena here is gonna hit him back for hitting you.
And this is Dr.
Ernest Carlisle, our nation's leading non-pervert sports doctor, and you know those little fishies that nibble the callouses off your toes? Well, they're gross, so Barry's gonna nibble your toes instead.
Lord Gorvenal is our medieval-era barber-surgeon.
He's gonna do some bloodletting and also trim those split ends.
This is Willow.
She's our energy healer.
She takes crystals and throws them in the trash because they do not work.
And Antigone is gonna dump a whole bunch of milk on you and then use that milk to make a Griselda-flavored ice cream that you can eat at the very end of your treatment.
Okay, this seems like a lot.
Yeah, you're gonna be so relaxed.
Excuse me, what are we paying you for? Get to work! Move it, people! So the DACA program was set up for children brought to this country without documentation.
My mom brought me over here when I was two and she overstayed her visa, so technically, I wasn't legally here for most of my childhood.
As a DACA recipient, Brady can't be deported, but there's also no clear pathway to citizenship.
He's just sort of stuck.
And since 2017, he can't leave the country if he ever wants to come back.
Wait a minute.
You sure know a lot about immigration for a doctor.
Again, I am not a doctor.
We've gone over this repeatedly.
So that's why I can't go to Cabo.
I don't have cancer.
Well, you do.
I mean, we all do.
It's just dormant till it comes out later.
When you're older.
I think I need to go to your college to talk to someone.
I am sorry for lying to you guys.
I just I didn't know how you were gonna respond.
We're so sorry you've been dealing with all this.
All this immigration stuff, and you're dying of DACA? - Dude.
- We've been so selfish.
All we cared about was taking body shots off of a dolphin when we should've been helping you out.
As president of Sigma Triangle Squiggly Thing, I've made a decision.
We are gonna donate this money to an organization that helps DACAs like you.
Whoa! Bro, that's offensive.
DACA-Americans.
Mm okay.
We love you, man.
We'll see you at school.
Wow.
That was actually kind of beautiful.
What are you talking about? That wasn't beautiful.
That sucked.
I'm confused.
Why are you upset? Yeah, I'm confused too.
The dolphin body shots like, how does that work? Because dolphins are already very wet.
The blowhole, you idiot! Ryan and Graham did the right thing.
That's very rare for white people.
We should be celebrating! Yeah, what's wrong? You heard them.
They see me differently now.
They feel bad for me.
I'm a charity case.
They care about you.
I don't want to be "Brady, the poor DACA guy".
I want to be "Brady, the guy that parkoured "from the refrigerator to the foosball table and broke both his legs".
That man's gone forever.
Does your fraternity have an adult supervisor? I'm genuinely concerned for everyone's safety.
Garrett was right.
I should've just kept lying.
No, you shouldn't have.
Hey, look, man.
I love lying.
I'm amazing at it.
Really like your shirt today, by the way.
- It's very nice.
- Oh, thank you.
In this case, it's important to tell the world who you are.
I mean, look what happened when you let in Ryan and Graham.
Because of you, those guys got involved.
That is a really big deal, especially because they are the two stupidest people I've ever met in my entire life.
They really are.
I don't think Ryan ever learned the word for "couch".
He just calls them "long chairs".
And look, man, anytime you can get guys like that to understand that this stuff affects people in their own lives, that's the only time that anything is ever gonna change.
So, um, I'm really proud of you.
- Nicely said, Garrett.
- Thanks, buddy.
I really like your hair today, by the way.
Oh, wow.
What a day! Yeah, everything you said, it it makes sense.
It's just it's not fair.
Yeah.
I know, buddy.
It really sucks.
Cabo San Lucas.
Just to see it The ambulance lights glistening off the urine puddles, the smell of vomit drifting over from Señor Stinkfinger's, the deep grunts of two white guys with dreadlocks punching each other because they actually want to kiss It's paradise.
Well, would you look at that.
You finally got her to relax.
She's been out for the last eight hours.
We're running out of things to do.
We painted her nails, we gave her a facial, we installed one of those little tracker chips in her neck in case she ever gets lost.
We can also shock her a little bit, which we won't unless she deserves it.
Wait a second.
She's been out this whole time? Are you sure she's okay? Griselda.
Griselda.
Gosh, I sure wish I had somebody to help me hang these very heavy shelves.
You need to drill into a stud! - How you feeling? - Oh, good.
I don't think I've ever slept that long before, or that deeply.
There was like this movie playing in my head.
It was really weird.
You mean a dream? That must've been what it was! I was, like, a little kid, and I was on my tugboat eating a sandwich, and my dad was my dad, and he was also What? Nobody likes to hear about other people's dreams.
Am I wrong? Anyway, I'm really glad you're awake, because I need all of your help.
It's shot o'clock, ass-wipe! Drink it up, you dingus! Wait! - Is this what I think it is? - Damn right.
If you can't get to Cabo, we're bringing Cabo to you.
And we'll be serving the finest Cabo delicacies, like cold onion rings, wet nachos, and shrimp that will make you sick immediately.
And we even flew in some authentic Cabo San Lucas sand, including some authentic Cabo San Lucas HPV! And I'm the safety officer.
Everyone should be drinking two waters with every alcoholic beverage.
And my day off is officially over, so I get to clean it all up! So mess it up good, baby.
Mess it up for Mama Griselda.
Whoa.
Is that a bucket for me to puke in later? Sure is, buddy.
- Sure is.
- Oh! Thank you so much.
I love you guys.
Love you, too, buddy.
It's shot o'clock again, you stupid piece of crap! Whoo! Oh
You do realize we're in your apartment.
Well, actually, it's my sister's apartment, and I fell asleep in the bath.
Before we get started, Hakim, you want to, uh, give us the corrections from last week? You know, we would save ourselves a lot of time if you would just bother to research these things before class.
No, I like it my way better.
Okay.
Here we go.
Black Tuesday is the day the stock market crashed in 1929, not the day they have dope sales on flat screens.
Right.
I meant Blue Monday.
"I am the law" is a line from the 1995 film "Judge Dredd" and not how Supreme Court justices introduce themselves.
Or so you say.
John Quincy Adams was John Adams's son, not his badass crime-fighting alter ego.
Okay, can we just get on with class, please? I want to go home and get a good night's sleep.
Tomorrow's my day off.
Whoa! You have a day off? That's never happened before.
It's very rare, but every so often, all of my job schedules align perfectly, creating one whole day off.
It's like an eclipse.
The next one's in 2027.
Day off? That must be nice.
I am so swamped.
Today I have to look at Instagram and cyberbully Malala on Instagram.
Ugh, how will I get it all done? What are you gonna do? Might I suggest a sensory deprivation experience? You lie in a bathtub with all the lights off, and it costs $900.
Couldn't she just do that on her own? Who would she give $900 to, then? It's okay, I'm just gonna do some things for myself.
You know, like go to the grocery store and clean my kitchen and replace the HVAC machine in my building and fix all the potholes on my street and Babe, no, no, no! You have to relax.
You are so tense.
I would give you a back rub myself, but Ronan Farrow had to go and ruin that for all of us.
You can just chill here if you want to.
You'll have the whole place to yourself.
Mallory's at a hand surgery convention in Orlando, or as she puts it, her Burning Man.
No, thanks.
I'll be fine.
Okay, well, then let's get started with today's lesson.
Watergate, or how the prequel to Kevin Costner's "Waterworld" brought down a presidency.
Damn, Hakim, can we please just wait for next class? Isn't it cute? That's a hippo? How is it so small? Oh, it's a micro hippo.
Our father figured out how to breed a hippo with a Pomeranian.
Yeah, it is so wrong.
We taught him how to fetch, roll over, and speak.
Yeah, he says, "Please kill me".
Oh, let me get these for you.
Can I bring you some menus? I thought this was your day off.
Oh, it is.
I'm just, you know, taking your orders and cleaning your table as a friend.
Oh, are we able to start? Because I thought I'd give the men's urinal a deep hand-scrub if there's time.
You know, as a friend.
Griselda, you need to take better care of yourself.
I am taking care of myself.
This morning, I went on a nice walk.
I was pushing a lawnmower, but it really centered me.
Oh, by the way, I promised my mailman I would build him a gazebo, so does anybody need anything while I'm out? Ooh I mean, if you're offering, would you mind swinging by my place? I left a Hot Pocket in the microwave, and I think it might still be warm.
- Garrett! - It might still be warm! I will do that, and I will caulk any windows if it needs it.
Thanks, babe.
Hey.
If you nibble, I'll know.
You heat up your Hot Pockets? Who does that? I mean, I guess all you strangers can sit at my table that I was at before you got here what's that? You're all some kind of citizenship study group? What even is that? That's weird.
Oh, hey.
- Brady! - What's up, guys? Nice to see you.
- What's up, dude? - Are you the realtor? - Whose house? - Whose house? - Whose house? - You must protect this house! Dude, your mom said you'd be here.
She also answered the door wrapped in a bedsheet, - and there was some guy named - Frank.
- Who was real - Sweaty.
They actually invited us inside.
No.
You don't have to go into that any further.
- Um, what's up? - Great news, okay? We figured out where we're going for the frat's winter trip: Cabo, baby! Boom! And we got a great deal, because the hotel we're staying at is disgusting.
Listen, Cabo sounds awesome, but I don't know if I can make it this year, just 'cause, like, money is tight.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's the best part.
Remember when I did too many shrooms and I almost died in that guy's pool? - Yeah.
- Well, my dad sued his ass, and now I got all his money.
Oh, sick.
Start packing.
Just the essentials.
Swimsuit, beer bong, regular bong, butt bong I'm definitely gonna pack all my bongs.
Thank you so much.
It's the least we can do.
A fraternity is built upon a foundation of brotherhood and respect.
All right, man.
We'll see you at the house.
We're having a bunch of old ladies do mud wrestling while we whip bologna at their butts.
Cool.
Have fun.
Oh! You're going to have a day off.
You're gonna learn how to relax if we have to tie you to the massage table and inject you with tranquilizers ourselves, which normally costs extra, but trust me, it's worth it.
Now give me that tush.
How did you get here before me? - Subway.
- I took the subway.
No, you took the subway, and we took our subway, which is below the gross one, and all our subway performers went to Juilliard.
Oh, wait, that's exactly the same as the regular one.
Let us teach you the art of self-care, our area of expertise.
Along with Frisbee golf.
Surprising, I know.
No, I don't have time for this.
No.
You are not leaving this room.
You are Brie Larson, and we're that weird scary guy who forced you to be in "Kong: Skull Island".
Well, can I at least take Garrett his Hot Pocket? He's a growing boy.
What she said.
- A lot of - Hakim.
You're a doctor, right? Uh, I was in Ethiopia.
I would tell you I was the George Clooney of my hospital, but I think we're all well aware I was the Julianna Margulies.
Cool, so you, like, know how the human body works and all that junk? - Sure.
- Great.
I need you to hit me in the face with this hammer.
I can explain.
My fraternity wants to take a trip to Cabo San Lucas.
Yeah, gonna need a bit more explanation than that.
Really? Okay.
I have DACA, remember? Which means I can't leave the country.
All right, now that we're all up to speed, this face is not gonna smash itself.
You haven't told your fraternity brothers - you're an immigrant? - No, of course not.
- Why not? - Because I'm worried if they find out my status, they're gonna treat me differently.
They're not gonna see me as the guy who chugged half a pitcher of beer, barfed it back into that pitcher, and then chugged the whole thing on a dare.
They're gonna see me as an immigrant.
So? There's no shame in being an immigrant.
Just fear.
Hey, you just want to be seen as one of the guys, right? I can relate.
Look, it was really hard for me, growing up as an American-born Indian guy.
Half the time, I'd get called Apu.
- What'd they call you the other half? - Kwik-E-Mart.
I guess that half couldn't remember Apu's name.
But listen, it's not like you're lying to them, man.
You're just avoiding a truth.
You know, society would completely collapse if we all told the whole truth all the time.
For example, did you really need to know that, three hours ago, I was searching "Helen Mirren old boobs" on my phone? I mean, a little.
What'd you find? Ugh, not the thing I was looking for.
Uh, wait, I think your friends will be okay with it, huh? They certainly seemed awful.
Uh, but not in that particular way.
I guess it couldn't hurt.
Hey, it's your choice, okay? If you don't want to tell them, you don't have to.
No, don't listen to him.
Be proud of who you are.
You can be an immigrant and the guy who drank his own vomit.
I'll think about it on one condition.
You smash me in the face with this hammer.
- No! - Ugh, fine.
Thanks for coming back.
I-I have some bad news.
They can't prove that I pooped in that computer lab.
The coast was clear, and I busted all the cameras first.
No, it's not that.
As much as I want to I can't go to Cabo.
Why not? Is it because the empty hotel pool is filled with starving coyotes? They'll only attack you if you look at them.
No, it's not that.
Um, the truth is, I I can't go because I'm Dying.
Ooh, yes! He lied! That was my thing! You owe me 50 bucks.
- We didn't bet.
- Oh.
Well, then He did my thing! Can I borrow 50 bucks? Oh, crap, dude.
You're dying? Like, permanently? How much time do you have left? Because I'm hungry, and I was gonna make a Taco Bell run.
I don't have to go now, but I am hungry.
I'm not sure.
I I may not be dying.
It's complicated.
My my doctor can explain.
Uh, this is Hakim.
You're on a first-name basis with your doctor? That's how serious this whole thing is.
Uh, we've grown very close because of my, uh Penis inversion.
Yeah, one of the most complete I have ever seen.
Unfortunately, it has affected Brady's ability to make good decisions.
Joking! We find that laughter helps us cope in such dark times.
Hi, there, gentlemen.
I am, uh, Dr.
Garrett Silverheart, MD.
I'm Brady's other doctor.
I'm sorry to say that your friend is suffering from what we in the medical profession call "an illness", and tragically, it is stage four.
- Mm.
- My grandma had that.
Now, luckily, we caught it early enough, which means that, with the right treatment, surgery, stethoscope, ear flashlight, et cetera, Dr.
Hakim here and I believe that young Brady will, one day, walk again.
He can walk now.
Yes, but to where, and for how long? Sadly, we've given him strict orders not to travel for the next one month.
Dang it! Just dang it, guys.
I wanted to go so bad, but dang it! You you heard my doctor.
A stage four illness.
Dude, don't worry.
Forget the trip.
The only thing that matters is that you get healthy.
If you die, I want you to know I will break into your apartment, get all the porn off your computer, forward it to myself, and then watch it in your memory.
Thank you.
That's good to know.
Welcome to the meditation room.
So, for self-care to work, you need to only think about yourself and forget that everyone else exists.
Well, that sounds a little selfish.
Oh, you're gonna judge us for being selfish? We don't judge you for being obsessed with helping other people.
Oh, okay.
These pillows are very soft.
Yeah, they're 50% Egyptian cotton and 50% sheep placenta.
And for the next hour, your only job is to shut off your mind, stare at the ceiling, think about Cara Delevingne's eyebrows, and relax.
Oh, okay.
- I can do that for an hour.
- Mm.
Sweet dreams.
If you hear gunfire, stay low.
That's how our dad tucked us in at night.
This round is on me.
- That's just one beer.
- I know.
Everyone takes a little sip, and then you pass it "a-round".
Come on, you're really still mad at me over one little white lie? Technically not even a lie.
I am sick.
I have cancer.
- You do? - Yeah.
Everyone has cancer.
It just lies dormant in the body until it comes out when you're old.
That is incredibly wrong, and I'm upset because you're ashamed of being an immigrant.
I'm not ashamed of being an immigrant.
I just don't want anybody to find out because that would be embarrassing for me.
Hey, guys, hang on a second.
What Brady's doing isn't so bad, okay? Isn't that what we all want, to be viewed as American? You know, when my parents had me and my sister, they named us Garrett and Mallory after Mrs.
Garrett from "Diff'rent Strokes" and Mallory from "Family Ties".
Whoa, I had no idea how friggin' old you guys were.
The point is, they wanted us to be as American as the people they saw on their television.
Yeah, well, some of us don't have the luxury of being able to blend in as much as Brady.
If attitudes are ever going to change, guys like you need to be proud of who they are.
Why is it on me to change people's attitude? Why can't I just be a regular 22-year-old white guy who goes to Cabo after working his ass off all semester to get straight Ds? Ooh, it's been an hour.
- We should check on her.
- Who? Griselda.
Is that that horse we ran over in Mallorca? No, it's the lady we're teaching how to relax.
- Remember? - Oh, right.
Yeah.
Sorry, I keep forgetting about all this "helping other people" stuff.
Do you ever worry that the citizenship class is changing us for the worse? All the time.
It was literally all I could think about at the horse hospital.
Hi! What the hell are you doing? Oh, I-I-I was trying to relax and think of nothing, but then I saw a crack in the ceiling and thought, "What if it's water damage?" But it wasn't water damage, and then I thought, "Well, while I'm up here, I might as well slap on a fresh coat of paint", and then I made you fresh quesadillas.
Okay, I need help.
Listen, Hakim, I thought about what you said, and you know, you're right.
I should come clean with my friends.
I'm not going to, but I should.
Sure.
Go ahead.
Keep lying.
You know who lies? Criminals.
Con artists.
Spies.
Do you want to end up like a spy, lying to a beautiful woman about your true identity, then skiing down a mountain shooting bad guys with a machine gun, then jumping onto a plane where there's yet another beautiful woman? What is the point you're trying to make? Lying is bad.
I thought that was clear.
I won't have to keep lying.
They're going to Cabo, and then when they come back, I'll just tell them that my cancer went dormant again.
You know, it re-absorbed into the body when I walked past a microwave.
My college is very bad.
They'll buy it.
He's right, Hakim.
This'll all just blow over.
Let him do it his way.
And that's how I became the first person to transplant a human heart into a chimp.
- Hi, guys.
- Oh, hey.
'Sup? What's with the shoebox? We talked to the brothers, and we realized we can't go to Cabo without you.
That'd be like going to an Imagine Dragons concert without Graham.
Oh, if you ever did that Oh, just thinking about that makes me furious! No, man, I'd never.
Just giving an example.
So we all returned our plane tickets, took the money, and put everything we had in this shoebox for you.
For your treatment.
Okay, this is bad, but you shouldn't blame yourself.
- I'm not.
- Really? You should.
If you had just smashed him in the face with a hammer a couple times, we wouldn't be in this mess.
This is so thoughtful.
I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
We're gonna be with you as you fight this, every single day.
- Except for game days.
- Right.
Obviously not game days.
And Thursdays are no good because I kind of like to ease into the weekend.
Oh, weekends are bad too.
So we will be with you Monday through Wednesday, every single day except over the summer.
Guys, I can't accept all this money.
But I can take some of it? No, you cannot take that money.
Right, Brady cannot accept this money because Brady's not Brady at all.
We're all actually trapped inside a video game? - Oh! - No, guys.
The the truth is, they're not doctors.
I mean, I am a doctor.
And I'm not sick.
I can't go on the trip because I have DACA.
Oh, wow.
You've got DACA? No way! Crazy! Oh, we we had no idea.
- That's crazy.
- So crazy, right? - What is it? - Yeah, what is it? DACA, it's Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals.
Oh, DACA.
Of course.
- DACA.
- Crazy.
Crazy.
But what is it, though? Yeah, what is that? Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
I really tried.
- I just don't know how to relax.
- Oh, we know.
You're literally lint-rolling the couch as we speak.
I don't even know where this came from.
Have you always been like this? I mean, I guess so.
I mean, back in the Dominican Republic, everyone in my family worked as soon as we were old enough.
When I was six years old, I had a lemonade stand.
Oh, my God.
So cute! Little Griselda, out on the street, selling lemonade.
No, it wasn't out on the street.
It was on a tugboat I was captaining.
When I first got here, I was so proud to finally be making a good living and sending money back home that I took every job I could.
I mean, it was fulfilling.
Maybe working all the time is my idea of relaxing.
- Griselda, I love you.
- Aw.
You've taught me so much, and I think of you as a very good friend, but that is the dumbest load of crap I have ever heard.
She's right.
Self-care isn't just for super rich, uber hot people like me and Mei Lin.
It's also for poor reggos like you.
You work very hard, and you take care of so many people, but if you don't take care of yourself, you're going to burn out.
Okay.
I'll do it.
I'll try and relax.
I just don't know where to begin.
We will start you off slow.
This is Simone, our facialist.
And this is Thorsten.
He's gonna align your chakras.
This is Sequoia.
She's our Reiki master.
She's gonna heal that spirit.
And this is Andrei.
He's gonna hit you with some big oil-soaked leaves.
It's going to hurt, but don't worry, because Yelena here is gonna hit him back for hitting you.
And this is Dr.
Ernest Carlisle, our nation's leading non-pervert sports doctor, and you know those little fishies that nibble the callouses off your toes? Well, they're gross, so Barry's gonna nibble your toes instead.
Lord Gorvenal is our medieval-era barber-surgeon.
He's gonna do some bloodletting and also trim those split ends.
This is Willow.
She's our energy healer.
She takes crystals and throws them in the trash because they do not work.
And Antigone is gonna dump a whole bunch of milk on you and then use that milk to make a Griselda-flavored ice cream that you can eat at the very end of your treatment.
Okay, this seems like a lot.
Yeah, you're gonna be so relaxed.
Excuse me, what are we paying you for? Get to work! Move it, people! So the DACA program was set up for children brought to this country without documentation.
My mom brought me over here when I was two and she overstayed her visa, so technically, I wasn't legally here for most of my childhood.
As a DACA recipient, Brady can't be deported, but there's also no clear pathway to citizenship.
He's just sort of stuck.
And since 2017, he can't leave the country if he ever wants to come back.
Wait a minute.
You sure know a lot about immigration for a doctor.
Again, I am not a doctor.
We've gone over this repeatedly.
So that's why I can't go to Cabo.
I don't have cancer.
Well, you do.
I mean, we all do.
It's just dormant till it comes out later.
When you're older.
I think I need to go to your college to talk to someone.
I am sorry for lying to you guys.
I just I didn't know how you were gonna respond.
We're so sorry you've been dealing with all this.
All this immigration stuff, and you're dying of DACA? - Dude.
- We've been so selfish.
All we cared about was taking body shots off of a dolphin when we should've been helping you out.
As president of Sigma Triangle Squiggly Thing, I've made a decision.
We are gonna donate this money to an organization that helps DACAs like you.
Whoa! Bro, that's offensive.
DACA-Americans.
Mm okay.
We love you, man.
We'll see you at school.
Wow.
That was actually kind of beautiful.
What are you talking about? That wasn't beautiful.
That sucked.
I'm confused.
Why are you upset? Yeah, I'm confused too.
The dolphin body shots like, how does that work? Because dolphins are already very wet.
The blowhole, you idiot! Ryan and Graham did the right thing.
That's very rare for white people.
We should be celebrating! Yeah, what's wrong? You heard them.
They see me differently now.
They feel bad for me.
I'm a charity case.
They care about you.
I don't want to be "Brady, the poor DACA guy".
I want to be "Brady, the guy that parkoured "from the refrigerator to the foosball table and broke both his legs".
That man's gone forever.
Does your fraternity have an adult supervisor? I'm genuinely concerned for everyone's safety.
Garrett was right.
I should've just kept lying.
No, you shouldn't have.
Hey, look, man.
I love lying.
I'm amazing at it.
Really like your shirt today, by the way.
- It's very nice.
- Oh, thank you.
In this case, it's important to tell the world who you are.
I mean, look what happened when you let in Ryan and Graham.
Because of you, those guys got involved.
That is a really big deal, especially because they are the two stupidest people I've ever met in my entire life.
They really are.
I don't think Ryan ever learned the word for "couch".
He just calls them "long chairs".
And look, man, anytime you can get guys like that to understand that this stuff affects people in their own lives, that's the only time that anything is ever gonna change.
So, um, I'm really proud of you.
- Nicely said, Garrett.
- Thanks, buddy.
I really like your hair today, by the way.
Oh, wow.
What a day! Yeah, everything you said, it it makes sense.
It's just it's not fair.
Yeah.
I know, buddy.
It really sucks.
Cabo San Lucas.
Just to see it The ambulance lights glistening off the urine puddles, the smell of vomit drifting over from Señor Stinkfinger's, the deep grunts of two white guys with dreadlocks punching each other because they actually want to kiss It's paradise.
Well, would you look at that.
You finally got her to relax.
She's been out for the last eight hours.
We're running out of things to do.
We painted her nails, we gave her a facial, we installed one of those little tracker chips in her neck in case she ever gets lost.
We can also shock her a little bit, which we won't unless she deserves it.
Wait a second.
She's been out this whole time? Are you sure she's okay? Griselda.
Griselda.
Gosh, I sure wish I had somebody to help me hang these very heavy shelves.
You need to drill into a stud! - How you feeling? - Oh, good.
I don't think I've ever slept that long before, or that deeply.
There was like this movie playing in my head.
It was really weird.
You mean a dream? That must've been what it was! I was, like, a little kid, and I was on my tugboat eating a sandwich, and my dad was my dad, and he was also What? Nobody likes to hear about other people's dreams.
Am I wrong? Anyway, I'm really glad you're awake, because I need all of your help.
It's shot o'clock, ass-wipe! Drink it up, you dingus! Wait! - Is this what I think it is? - Damn right.
If you can't get to Cabo, we're bringing Cabo to you.
And we'll be serving the finest Cabo delicacies, like cold onion rings, wet nachos, and shrimp that will make you sick immediately.
And we even flew in some authentic Cabo San Lucas sand, including some authentic Cabo San Lucas HPV! And I'm the safety officer.
Everyone should be drinking two waters with every alcoholic beverage.
And my day off is officially over, so I get to clean it all up! So mess it up good, baby.
Mess it up for Mama Griselda.
Whoa.
Is that a bucket for me to puke in later? Sure is, buddy.
- Sure is.
- Oh! Thank you so much.
I love you guys.
Love you, too, buddy.
It's shot o'clock again, you stupid piece of crap! Whoo! Oh