Ted Lasso (2020) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Lisa Cramlin here with Graham Paul, breaking down this afternoon's Richmond-Arsenal match.
- Welcome, Graham.
- Pleasure to be here, Lisa.
So today was another tough day for Roy Kent in a stretch of bad days.
In his last nine games, Kent has had while his turnovers have nearly doubled.
And today, it was an ignominious own goal There you are.
Everyone gone? Yes, sir.
Well, except Rojas.
Darn kid's out on the practice pitch still doing drills.
What a fucking asshole.
- Right? - Yeah.
Somebody order a Roy on the rocks, huh? How we doing in here? Whoo! That is cold, man.
Just looking at you in there is making me all chilly inside.
Can you just tell me I fucked up and then go? Not gonna do that, bud.
I lost us the game.
I'm a piece of shit.
Easy now.
You had a bad day.
Big whoop.
"Big whoop"? Yeah, big whoop.
You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet.
I don't wanna hear it.
All right? So just, you know, knock it off.
Go easy on yourself.
Okay? Hey.
I got your back.
Ain't nothing gonna change that.
Look at you in there, looking like a brunette Oscar the Grouch.
- On or off? - Off.
You gotta stop holding on, Roy, please, for us, for you.
Let it go.
- There you go.
- Hola, Roy.
We're taking a break.
When we return, we'll take a look at Jamie Tartt's brilliant day for Manchester City.
That's it.
Right there.
Yep.
Beautiful.
Oh, snap.
Watch your back, Kate Moss.
There's a new bad girl on the British modeling scene.
- Huh? Yeah? - Okay, I think we've got it.
Brought these in case you need a little biscuit boost.
Yeah? Man, oh, man.
You get nervous doing this kind of stuff? It's a profile on women in football.
It's not a big deal.
There's, like, four of us: me, Karen, Delia and Posh Spice.
Oh, come on, now.
Being a role model's a huge deal.
Don't you realize that there's probably a little girl out there somewhere rocking a tiny eggplant-colored power suit, and she's just dreaming about becoming a sports executive someday.
She's gonna read this article and she's gonna think, "Holy smokes.
My dreams are possible".
In this scenario of yours, little girls read The Football Financial Quarterly? Well, who knows? Little girls are mysterious.
And silly and powerful.
I gave up trying to figure them out years ago.
Tell you what, I wish Higgins was here to see this, 'cause he'd be real happy for you too.
I don't know about that, Ted.
When Higgins decided to quit, he made it quite clear what he thought about me, and it wasn't supportive.
Nope.
I'm filing that under stinkin' thinkin' right there.
Okay? I guarantee you, he'll come around.
- Right.
I'm changing the subject.
- Go ahead.
How's the team morale going into the final weekend? I mean, I'm still heartbroken about the last loss.
Are you? - Of course.
- Ah.
- Hey, Keeley.
- Hi, Ted.
Hey, did those marketing folks from Tom Ford ever get back to you? Yeah, they did.
They said they're gonna stick with the models they already have.
Aw, nuts.
I know.
But they did say that if they ever do an everyman campaign or something satirical, your name's on their list.
All right.
There you go.
That's not bad.
Can I borrow you for a second, Rebecca? Come on.
My God, it smells of feet in here.
I mean, it just it just hits you immediately, doesn't it? It's hot.
Like feet funk, right up your nose.
Can you smell it? You're being a right floppy cock, Rebecca.
Why haven't you told Ted yet? Oh, I'm going to.
When? Imagine doing something unforgivable to someone who doesn't deserve it and then having to look them in the eye and tell them what you've done.
I don't have to imagine.
I've done it.
Year Eight, I took a shit in Joanna Wellington's locker.
I apologized, I was uninvited to her birthday party, and then we patched it up a week later.
Just fucking tell him.
Sorry, why did you do a shit in her locker? I don't know.
I was 13.
What? Teenage girls are, like, mysterious and dark and dangerous.
- All right.
- That is not the point! - Okay.
- Oh, God.
Sorry.
Um, wow.
I know women like shoes, but, girls, come on, this is silly.
Sorry, that was really sexist.
Um, I just wasn't expecting there to be anyone in here.
Um, but you are in here, and that's great.
Take as long as you need.
Yeah.
I'll go.
Sorry.
I mean, what would be the point of telling Ted now? It doesn't change anything.
It would change how I feel about you.
You know, David, we got one final game this season against Man City, and our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson, on a high.
Yeah? Oh, how about Trent Crimm? And if memory serves, you're from the Daily Planet, yeah? Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Ah, yes.
That's the one.
Okay.
What's your question, Trent? Many of your young players have improved during your tenure.
Then there's Roy Kent.
He played dismally last match.
Thoughts? Well, I think you could ask Roy himself.
He'd tell you it wasn't his best day.
But I'll let you know right now that Roy Kent is the backbone of this team.
All right, let's mix it up in here a little.
If you're an introvert, I want y'all to raise your hand.
You guys get the next few questions.
Ah! That was a trick! If y'all were really introverts, you would've been quiet as a church mouse.
Unless that church was Westboro Baptist.
Those turkeys won't shut up.
Hi, guys.
What's up? Please have a seat.
Okay.
I feel like y'all are about to do some improv comedy or tell me that you're dating each other.
Either one's cool with me.
'Cause your suggestion is ally.
We have to take Roy out of the starting lineup.
I see.
Okay.
It wasn't just one bad game, Coach.
He's showing his age, and he's made significant mistakes in each of the last five matches.
We just haven't been bitten in the ass by them yet.
But yesterday our butts had teeth marks.
Deep ones.
The kind you usually have to pay for.
Hmm.
Guys I'm not benching Roy.
He's our captain.
But I want you to know that I value each of your opinions.
Even when they're wrong.
I was really hoping it was going to be improv.
I'm Audi 5000.
- You paid someone to bite you? - No, of course not.
Oh, sorry.
I Been paid.
Where? Hey.
What's up? I have something I need to tell you.
I'm all ears.
Right, I'm not gonna beat around the bush.
I'm just gonna get straight to the point.
No faffing around, 'cause that's just annoying, and definitely no procrastinating.
Procrast Procrast That's a good word, isn't it? Procrastinating.
Pro Procrastinating.
Huh.
I wonder what the etymology of that word is.
Obviously, "pro", very good, but "crast"? Crast I have no idea.
Hey! Why don't we look it up? - Have you got a dictionary? - Not on me.
Are you doing okay? - Me? - Yeah.
I'm brilliant! Yeah, I am top of the pops.
Ted, do you think you could do this later? Yeah, sure.
No problem.
I'll just hit the rewind button.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Just do it.
Just do it.
I'm a big girl.
I can fucking just Just tidy up your mess.
Tidy up your mess.
Right.
Oh, God.
Surprise.
- Rupert.
- You seem anxious.
Where's, uh, where's Higgins? Uh, I fired him.
Why? Higgins is first class.
Except the only negative about the man was that whenever he borrowed a pen from me, he would nibble the top like some anxious little puppy.
Good boy.
Yeah, well, he's gone.
Shame.
Oh, well.
Maybe he'll accept my offer now.
Look, Rupert, are you here to try and buy back the club or No, I wanted to tell you something before you heard it somewhere else.
Bex and I are having a baby.
Surprise, again.
But you always said that I thought we could be mature about this.
Oh, you're mature enough, all right.
You're nearly 70, and you're having a baby? I mean, what are you, a character from the fucking Bible? When your kid hits puberty, you'll be nothing but a pile of dust and a black Amex card.
Now, now, darling.
Don't call me that.
People change.
I do want a child.
I just suppose I I didn't want one with Before.
I mean, in the end, it's just about being with the right person, isn't it? Of course.
Oh, I'm so glad I got to tell you this in person.
I would have hated for you to read it in the press.
Good luck against Man City.
I have something I need to tell you.
Mm.
Déjà vu.
I'm a fucking bitch.
Nope, that's new.
Ted, I lied to you.
I hired you because I wanted this team to lose.
I wanted you to fail, and I sabotaged you every chance I've had.
It was me who hired that photographer to take the photo of you and Keeley.
I set up the interview with Trent Crimm, hoping that he would humiliate you.
And I instigated the transfer of Jamie Tartt, even though you'd asked me not to.
This club is all that Rupert has ever cared about, and I wanted to destroy it.
To cause him as much pain and suffering as he has caused me.
And I didn't care who I used or who I hurt.
All you good people just trying to make a difference.
Ted, I'm so sorry.
Mm.
If you want to quit or call the press, I'll completely understand.
I forgive you.
You What? Why? Divorce is hard.
It doesn't matter if you're the one leaving or if you're the one who got left.
It makes folks do crazy things.
Hell, I'm coaching soccer for heaven's sake.
In London.
I mean, that's nuts.
Yeah.
But this job you gave me has changed my life.
It gave me the distance I needed to see what was really going on.
Yeah, but you and me We're okay.
Ted.
Come on, just shake this hand.
My arm's starting to get You know, I think that if you care about someone and you got a little love in your heart, there ain't nothing you can't get through together.
You know what I'm saying? You're not just talking about us now, are you? Maybe.
Maybe not.
Okay.
I'm gonna go change for practice uh, training.
Whatever.
Who cares? Nice seeing you down here, boss.
You liven up the place.
All right, let's get it going, huh? Let's go.
Gather up.
Come on, now.
All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice.
If it ain't warmed up properly, something real bad could happen.
Oh, food poisoning is no joke, Coach.
One time, I was being sick, and at the same time, I was having diarrhea.
Mm.
Yep.
That'll happen.
Anybody else wanna share? To be able to do both those things at the same time? The body is a miracle.
Yeah.
Good perspective.
I appreciate that.
So, fellas, we all know speed is important.
But being able to stop and change directions quickly? Well, that's like Kanye's 808s & Heartbreak.
It don't get nearly enough credit.
Okay, so let's line up on these cones Nate put out.
Let's go.
All right, here's the deal.
Last one to start, stop, then start again is a rotten egg.
Let's do it.
Hey, Coach, I thought of a joke this morning in the shower.
What does a British owl say? Coach, what does a British owl I was saying earlier that You're acting like I'm chasing you with a booger or something.
Okay.
All right.
I see what's going on here.
This is about Roy, ain't it? So you gonna give me the cold shoulder and the silent treatment.
That's a combo.
Does it come with a medium drink? Fine.
Hey, Nate, what does a British owl say? Oh, you gonna do that move where you act like you don't hear me and then you just walk away, huh? Yeah.
Oh, it's like that now, huh? Heck with both of you guys.
I'm just gonna focus up here on practice.
There you go, Dani.
Dig in, baby.
Come on.
- Fuck.
- It's all right, Roy.
- Fuck! - Keep up, Roy! - You got this, Roy.
- Fuck! That's it.
Swear it out, Roy.
Swear it out.
Mm.
Shoot.
Okay.
Mm.
Okay.
Ooh.
Ahh! Yeah.
Whoa.
There you are.
Hey.
There's, um, a lot of other seats.
Well, yeah, this is what my ticket says.
How you doing, Roy? Fine.
You? Oh, good, good, yeah.
Oh.
I saw this video online of a, um, a kitten and a little baby chicken becoming friends and just hanging out together.
It was Well, here, let me show it to you.
I got it right here.
What's this about? It's funny, 'cause whenever my mom has something tough to talk about with me, she'll, um you know, she'll start it off saying something about, I don't know, something weird, something overtly nice.
And, uh, yeah, I just thought the idea of a cat and a bird being all simpatico was nice.
Look, Roy, we've been talking about the starting lineup against Man City Don't you dare.
You're not fucking benching me.
Well, no.
I'm just talking here, Roy.
I Yeah, talking.
That's all you do is talk.
Talking all that bullshit about how you've got my back.
- No.
Hey, I do have your back.
- Bullshit! You pretended to be a man of your word.
You're fucking full of shit.
You can go fuck yourself.
Fuck you! There are a lot of surprises happening here.
Like that tiny little beard.
It's called a Van Dyke after the 17th century Flemish painter.
- Oh.
Right.
- And I think it makes me look how I feel.
Chill.
How does Mrs.
Higgins feel about it? She hates it with a white-hot intensity.
Right.
Look I came clean to Ted.
I told him everything.
Oh.
How did that go? You know what the little shit did? He forgave me.
- Fucking asshole.
- I know.
But that's not actually why I'm here.
I wanted to apologize to you for treating you so poorly and forcing you to be an accomplice in my moronically childish scheme.
I am truly sorry, Higgins.
Wow.
Uh Thank Thank you, Rebecca.
I lost my way for a minute.
Yeah.
But I'm on the road back.
I can tell.
You know what, it suits you.
Unlike that beard.
Ooh! Oh.
Sorry.
Had to.
I don't think I've ever had a child in my house before.
What about Jamie? Oh, we can't let her go snooping around though.
I don't want her to find my vibrator.
Yeah, that's gonna be a problem.
Her mum said no electronics.
So, how are you doing? Fine.
I do kind of think kids are pretty incredible.
I mean, she's got new teeth that push out her old teeth.
The body is a miracle.
You know, the last time I was on the bench Oh, you are ready to talk about real stuff.
That's great.
Um, wait one second.
Come sit here.
Take this.
Okay, we're both ready.
Lay it on me.
Roy Kent has been the best player on every team he's been on since he was a kid.
I like being Roy Kent.
I don't know if I can handle just being some loser has-been called Roy.
"All right, Roy?" Yeah.
"What you been up to?" Fuck all.
God.
I think men who feel sorry for themselves are so sexy.
- Stop it.
- No, seriously.
I do.
And if you start telling me how hard it is playing a game for a living, I think I might come.
It's not just a game to me.
It's all I've ever known.
It's who I am.
It's all I am.
Phoebe? Phoebe? Can you come here for a second? You were right.
Zeppelin is amazing.
Wait till you hear Cream.
But first, I need you to close your eyes for me, yeah? Okay.
Can you describe your Uncle Roy? Everything that you can think of.
Go.
Well, he's my uncle.
His beard is scratchy.
He buys me ice cream.
He swears a lot.
He's really funny.
And I love him.
Well done, Phoebe.
See? I didn't hear anything about being a footballer.
Who gives a shit what she has to say? She's six.
The point is, you don't know what people think about Roy Kent.
Secondly, all that matters, Roy Kent, is what you think about Roy.
That your old girl playing chess with some other bloke? - Yep.
- That's fucking brutal.
She's just playing her game.
You stay strong, you hear? You're a beautiful man.
Hey, fellas.
Well, that's a lot of pints just for us.
I thought you might've had a tough time with Roy.
Coach, you are a natural-born caregiver.
Like Chief from Cuckoo's Nest.
I was always more of a Taber guy.
But if I'm being honest, I actually never got around to telling Roy.
Now, don't give me those eyes.
He figured it out all on his own.
I can see you're happy now, but don't be.
'Cause I've been thinking about it and, um well, I'm starting Roy against Man City and that's that.
Look, putting him on the bench wouldn't just be humiliating to him, it could actually affect his livelihood.
And you know better than anyone that all this ain't about winning to me.
'Cause that ain't how we measure success, right? Damn it, it is! Hey.
Who put a firecracker up your butt and lit it? You did! And I'm sick of it.
Look, I understood this mission when we were in Kansas.
But those were kids and these are professionals and winning does matter to them.
And it matters to me.
And that's okay.
- Ain't that right, Mae? - A-fucking-men it is.
How do you not get it? Losing has repercussions.
We lose, we get relegated.
We get relegated, this is over and we will have built nothing.
And if you wanna pick a player's feelings over a coach's duty to make a point I don't wanna drink with someone that selfish.
That was the sexiest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.
Get your things.
She's been toying with you.
Checkmate, mate.
- I'm good.
- You got a nut allergy? I got a finger allergy.
What else have I got to offer you here? We got red wine.
We got tea.
Ooh.
Two-day-old pasta water.
Tea's fine.
Look, I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself.
- Eh, la-di-da.
- I'm usually better at hiding my anger.
You think so, huh? Mm.
Know thyself.
Rest in peace, Socrates.
Told my niece I might not be playing.
She asked if we could go get ice cream.
Well, hey, at least you had someone you could talk to, right? How was the ice cream? Good.
It's fucking ice cream.
Yeah, right? Ice cream's the best.
It's kinda like seeing Billy Joel perform live, you know? It never disappoints.
- Mm-hmm.
- It does give me the toots though.
The ice cream, not Billy Joel.
I asked her if she was still gonna watch the match if I wasn't playing.
Yeah? Little shit said yes.
Didn't even blink.
Just straight into my face.
- Well, hey.
That's showbiz, ain't it? - Mm.
I promised myself I was never gonna watch Fresh Prince again when they swapped out Aunt Vivs.
But truth be told, as long as they let Carlton do his thing, I was always gonna take a minute and just sit right there.
Sidebar: Alfonso Ribeiro, the greatest physical comedian of the 19th, 20th and 21st century.
Case in point right here.
Iconic, yeah? I never know how to react when a grown man does the Carlton in front of me.
You could see a silhouette doing this, you know exactly what it is, you know exactly who's doing it.
It is the one, the only, Alfonso - Knock it off! - Sorry, Ms.
Shipley! It has been a whole thing this last week.
Anyway.
You know what we could do? You've been hurt off and on all season.
Why don't we just say you're injured, you can't play? No shame in that.
That would help protect my stock if I wanna move next season.
Maybe to a club that actually wants to start me.
Come on.
What if, God forbid, I end up having to play in fucking America, where I'd dominate, by the way.
They'd be like, "Oh, is this football then?" Well, obviously, my preference would be to have you there.
At practice tomorrow and the game.
But hey, you gotta do what's right for you.
Can I think about it? I'd call you a big dummy, poo-poo face if you didn't.
Be honest with me.
It's a prank, right? The tea.
Like, when us tourist folks aren't around, y'all know this tastes like garbage.
No.
I love it.
You don't love it.
It's pigeon sweat.
Mm.
Horrible.
Horrible.
Yeah.
No, get rid of the small one and bring back the tall one.
- He's got bigger hands.
- Bing-bong! It's biscuits o'clock.
- Higgins! You're back! - Yeah! All right.
Well, hey, I know I may be a little too old-school for some folks, but I'm gonna say it anyway.
Hell to the yeah.
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you too.
- Here you go, boss.
Those are yours.
- Thank you, Ted.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, you've got to try one of these.
Oh, no, he does not.
Caring is sharing, but I brought Higgins his own.
What? How did you know? Well, I had a hunch you were gonna be here.
- Yeah.
- Oh, wow.
Actually, those were for Trent Crimm's daughter.
She turns three today.
But it means more to me if you had 'em.
What? No.
No, no.
Come on.
No.
It's okay.
She won't remember.
Oh, Ted, you've already told her? Yeah, weeks ago.
She's been looking forward to it.
But she's three.
She'll bounce right back.
It'll be fine.
- No way.
- No, no.
I insist.
I insist.
I'm screwing with you.
I'm just messing around.
I predicted this whole thing, and I made those myself for you.
Oh.
Thank you.
Okay, y'all.
I'll see you in a little bit, okay? Let's go, Greyhounds.
Whoo! Yeah, these are definitely for a little girl.
Maybe he thinks you're silly and playful and mysterious.
Oh, sure.
Okay, fellas! Need y'all to listen up.
Coach.
Coach.
- Now - I know now's not the best time, Coach, but I have been feeling physically sick since walking away from you the other day.
Plus last night, I had a horrible nightmare that I was pecking you to death like a crow.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay, Nate.
We're all good in the hood, all right? - Oh, yeah.
- But hey, but do me a favor.
Try to apologize to me in your dream so we're good on that side of things too.
- Oh, yeah.
Of course.
- Thank you.
Now, fellas, we got ourselves a heck of a match comin' up, yeah? And what I'm gonna need from all of y'all Sorry, mate.
My six-year-old niece found my girlfriend's vibrator.
So I had to take her to get her ears pierced in an attempt to erase the memory.
Been there.
Can I say something? Floor is yours, Captain.
Second team's gonna kick first team's fucking asses today.
All right, fellas! Finish getting ready, and then we'll do what the man says.
We'll settle this out on the pitch.
Let's go.