Teenage Bounty Hunters (2020) s01e09 Episode Script
Our Ham Is Good
Hey!
Um
Okay, so I know not showing up
last night was wrong.
Very, super wrong.
And bad.
And I feel bad for the bad
-and the wrong.
-Uh-huh.
I had no idea how complicated
planning a scavenger hunt could be.
And then April wanted the clues to rhyme
and the playlist for the lock-in
was truly a struggle.
I mean, I know that
"Don't Stop Believin'" is a classic,
but it's about a girl taking a train
at midnight going anywhere.
Is that the kind of behavior
we want to promote?
I mean, there is such a thing--
Hey!
You never came.
You knew I had a date with Miles.
Shoot. Did you miss your date?
We're broken up, Sterling.
I ran back and forth
like a duck in a shooting game.
And guess what? I got shot.
Head clean off.
Oh, Blair--
And as if the night
wasn't enough of a living nightmare,
I come home and I see this.
-[gasps] What the--
-You told me to slap you
if you kept going on about Mom,
but I'm not prepared to get physical
because I'm feeling wrong and bad.
Sterling she is lying.
This is symbolic.
-Ow!
-I'm following orders, okay? Your orders.
And I don't want to,
but I will soap-opera slap you
if I need to.
Your obsessed! It's unhealthy!
I'll show you unhealthy!
[both scream and groan]
Get off my hair!
Ouch! Sterling, get off of me!
You never win these fights.
[both scream and groan]
You know how this ends!
-Blair!
-Give me your arm!
-Blair, I'm kicking your butt!
-Give me your arm!
-There it is!
-Give me your other arm!
Look at this!
-No!
-This is Mom in Savannah
when she was a teenager.
I'm closing my eyes! I can't see!
Don't make me pry your eyelids open
because you know that I will do it.
-You see that sign? Hobo's Ham?
-[groans]
Not a good name for a restaurant.
It's like you're eating
a homeless person's pork.
Pork that he probably had
to fight off other hobos to get,
the way seagulls do.
Well, they never franchised
because there's only one in the state
and it's in a town called
Nandina.
[groans]
Blair. I'm losing feeling in my hands.
If I let you up, will you promise
to listen to me and not slap me?
I mean,
considering you ruined my entire life,
I think you need to hear me out.
-Fine, yes. I swear!
-[grunts]
Okay. Listen.
I looked through all the photo albums
and there is not one picture
of Mom before college
except from that box that she gave us.
So then I Googled,
"Debbie Culpepper, Georgia."
Oh, look, there's Mom's old manifesto
for the PTA coup.
"Why Wallis Williams is unfit to lead.”
-Mom was Miss Teen Georgia Peach, right?
-Mm.
There's nothing about that here.
It's like everything that happened
before 1999 in her life
has been completely scrubbed.
Maybe it was that Y2K thing
we learned about
where old people freaked
because they thought computers
were going to eat them.
I know I'm right,
-and after school I'm going to Grandina--
-Nandina.
Shut up!
I'm going there,
so find your own ride home after school.
What if I go with you?
-How would I know you'd show up?
-We could go right now.
Like, now now?
Yeah, like, skip school and hit the road.
Miss Perfect is suggesting we skip school.
Well, if you want to go,
then I want to be there for you.
Fine, but I'm driving
-and I'm still mad at you.
-Noted.
[theme music]
[vocalizing]
-I'm not gonna be at school today.
-[April] Are you sick?
Tell me your symptoms.
I carry Oscillococcinum
and Zinc in my bag,
but do I need to Postmate
some antihistamines?
I can't get sick.
I'm not sick. I'm skipping.
But only slackers
headed for City College skip.
What's going on?
Did you tell Blair about us?
Did she flip out?
Are you on a Greyhound
heading west to start a new life?
I haven't told her yet.
I want to take the day with her,
give her the space to absorb it.
Miles broke up with her
and she's going through some stuff.
Miles?
You know Miles. He parks cars at the club.
You've seen him.
Oh, right, the tall black guy?
-Don't say that.
-Why not?
He's tall and he's black.
Ezequiel calls you
"the white girl with the eyes."
[approaching footsteps.
Will you wipe and move it out already?
I'll call you later.
I miss your lips.
I miss your lips.
I miss your hair.
I miss your smell.
[April kisses over phone]
Oh, hey.
[disconnect tone]
[blows through lips]
What are you two doing here?
I didn't blow my helper whistle.
Who was that?
My
perfumier.
-[Ezequiel] Hm.
-We're working on a new scent blend.
He's French, so we kiss goodbye.
[all chuckle]
So what's the scent?
We're working on it.
There are notes of..
hickory.
[Ezequiel] Hmm.
What happened last night?
You were supposed to come
to my house for dinner.
Here. I brought you your lamb chops.
Something came up.
Do you think
"Don't Stop Believin'" is inappropriate?
Let me guess,
Sterling Wesley has boring taste in music.
Surprise, surprise.
She's more eclectic than you think.
Oh. Is she?
Look, crafting a playlist
is difficult. Okay?
Now, did you two make the list
for the Costco run yet?
Because a lock-in without snacks
is basically solitary confinement,
but with lots of other people,
so worse.
My point is, make the list. Okay?
And include breath mints.
It's a long night. I gotta go.
[bottle clatters]
Do we want a taser?
Why not? Throw it in.
I'm not seeing handcuffs.
Check in the desk.
You find some?
No, but I found something else. Come here.
Oh.
[scoffs] That does not look like
a comfortable position to sleep in.
-[Sterling] He'll be achey.
-He should stretch.
I don't think Bowser stretches.
He has the posture of a fishhook.
We could show him some stretches.
Like the warm-up we learned
when we had Zumba for PE?
Left arm reach, right arm reach,
Swirl your hips
like you’re on the beach
-[Bowser] Okay.
-Left arm reach
So, this is how I die?
Laying on the floor
while two white ladies Zumba over me.
Stop, please stop. Please stop! Stop.
We woke him up.
-Good morning!
-Hi!
Why are y'all here?
Why are you here, huh?
This is my damn office.
I can be here any damn time I please.
-Well, damn.
-[Bowser groans]
Shouldn't y'all be at school?
Yes, we are doing a self-defense
demonstration for PE
and, uh, it's graded and everything,
and Sterling forgot to prepare
because she's been forgetting
a lot of important things lately,
for which there are really no excuses,
and often, very serious consequences.
For which she is genuinely
and sincerely very sorry.
So, we need to borrow
some self-defense demonstration things.
[Bowser] Have at it.
Bowser?
Mm-hm.
Why do you smell like a gas station
that sells wine?
[grunts]
Because I bought wine at a gas station!
After I left Yolanda's house.
After I found her there with Terrance.
After I thought,
"Do I have feelings for Yolanda?"
After I went there to tell her
I had news about the Fren-Z case
and maybe ask her out for some soft tacos.
After I told her
I wasn't working with her anymore,
and I quit.
-No. Uh-uh.
-No, yeah.
You have got to go and get that case back.
No
I lost the only man I'll ever love
for that case.
Yeah, okay?
You have to go back and fight for Yolanda.
Offer her hard tacos.
And yes, Terrance may be
a very charming, good-looking man
with a gorgeous smile
and a twinkle in his eye,
but but you are Bowser!
Women don't really care about
that other stuff!
Oh, women hate that stuff, huh?
Yeah, believe me. I know what women like.
You don't know anything.
You don't know what I know.
Oh, really?
-Hey, hey, oh.
-Yeah!
What's with you two?
Snappin' at each other
like betta fish sharing a bowl.
We're having issues.
Well, get over them.
You're family. Figure it out.
Might we not say the same thing
about Yolanda?
Not if he's into her.
That would be gross.
We can be Bowser's family,
but she is his love interest. Duh.
But once you're with someone,
doesn't that make you family,
-like, by marriage or whatever?
-That's stupid.
No, it's not. It's a valid question.
-Stupid!
-Is not!
-Okay. Okay. Hey, hey, cut it out.
-[both shouting]
All right? Dirty laundry.
Wash it, fold it, put it away.
And go away!
And bring me back my stuff after school.
I'm gonna go throw up in the mop sink.
-Oh.
-[Bowser grunts]
Do you want to talk about
what happened with Miles?
You mean, do I want to talk about the time
that you didn't show up for me
and I lost my soul mate?
My one and only?
The man to whom I gave my flower?
Your flower? Ew.
He was everything, Sterling.
We like the same movies.
We both love nachos so much
that we don't care
if the other one has nacho breath.
He made me feel beautiful.
He's beautiful.
And he's smart, and weird, and funny,
and you ruined everything!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.
I was with April and--
And what?
Her bad rhymes
were more important than your sister?
They weren't all bad.
There were some solid ones
like "leave" and "peeve"
and-- and "trust" and "pizza crust."
So, April the Wonder Rhymer
is your new best friend now?
You know she hates you, right?
I wouldn't say that.
We're in a better place now.
Our relationship has evolved.
How nice for you.
What if I called Miles and explained?
Music? You pick.
-[tires thump]
-[Sterling grunts]
[hard rock music playing]
Go! ♪
Bowser!
-[soul music playing]
-[sighs]
Terrance.
What you got there?
Donuts.
For Yolanda. Is she home?
Sure, come in.
It smells so delicious in here.
That'd be my natural man musk.
I run sweet.
It could also be the cinnamon rolls
I made from scratch.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I overreacted.
I want to keep working with you.
I got emotional
and I said some dumb things,
but I am a professional
and I will be totally professional
from here on in.
I brought donuts.
Terrance made cinnamon rolls from scratch.
You want one?
Yeah.
-Uh-uh.
-Oh, fuck me.
-Yeah?
-How the hell did you--
I pour warm, heavy cream over the top
right before they go in the oven.
That's the trick
that makes them extra gooey.
Mm-hm. Goddamn.
I'm gonna freshen up.
Can't be tracking in an apron, you know?
Wouldn't look good on YouTube.
At least not for my bounty channel.
Great for my cooking channel.
You know, I end each show with, "Bye-bye."
Hold on a minute,
you've got a cooking channel?
Yeah, I sure do.
I also have one of those ASMR channels
where I rub my fingernails
across wicker furniture.
I'm still working on the catchphrase
for that one.
Hey, so, who's he got today?
-Fren-Z.
-That's my skip!
I'm still working that.
Now give it back to me.
You quit on me last night,
so I gave it to Terrance.
-Terrance!
-Yup.
I'm taking Fren-Z back.
I started this case.
I've got a line on him.
I know exactly where he's going.
I'm sorry, but my camera guy's
waiting out in the car.
I already booked him for the day.
I can't cancel on him now
after he turned down
Little Women: Atlanta for me.
That is not my problem.
It is now.
Try and make a move
and I'm going to be on you
like bird shit on a shiny car.
Guess that makes you bird shit.
Okay, that hurt my feelings.
You're hurtin' my business.
Yolanda, you know this is my case.
Y'all are giving me a tension headache.
Work it out.
Rock paper scissors?
I'll whoop your ass
at rock paper scissors.
-Mm.
-[both] One, two, three ha!
One, two, three ha!
One, two, three ha!
One, two, three ha!
One, two, three ha!
-Okay, Okay. Stop!
-[Bowser groans]
You're weirdly defying the odds.
Work together, 50-50 split. That's it.
-I work alone.
-You know I'm not letting this go.
The payout is enough for everybody.
Play nicely, or I will
take it away from both of you
and give it to Murphy the Dwarf.
-Can you even say that?
-Right?
It's an identifying feature
and a medical diagnosis.
It's like saying
High Blood Pressure Bowser.
You can just say Bowser, okay?
Fine. I'll share.
Because I like making you happy.
But clean yourself up a bit.
You're going to be on camera.
[man speaks over loudspeaker]
You should smile.
Men are not allowed
to say that to women anymore.
I assure you my suggestion
is purely academic,
uh, not flirtatious, ma'am.
Smiling faces are more easily identified,
thus serving to thwart identity theft.
You see, the neutral expression--
-Would you please take the photo?
-I'm not asking for a grin.
That would be too much. I'm not allowed.
I said no.
[cell phone rings]
Hello.
Uh Yes.
Yes, you know what,
I-- I completely forgot to call.
The morning got away from me.
Uh, the girls have doctor's appointments.
That's right. That's right.
That's why they're absent.
Um, no, they are fine.
They are totally fine.
Just, uh an ounce of prevention, right?
[forced chuckle]
[clears throat]
Well, thank you so much for calling.
Uh Bye, now.
[ringing]
[woman] Please leave your message
after the tone.
-[cell phone beeps]
-What did you do with my girls?
[hard rock playing]
[cell phone rings]
-[sighs]
-Who?
-Mom.
-[groans]
No way I'm picking that up.
[cell phone rings]
Now she's calling me.
Do we text her?
No! Don't.
Just ignore her.
It's better to ask forgiveness
than permission. Right?
What if she's worried?
All right, fine.
Text her, "We're fine.
Text you later.
Don't worry, we're fine."
"We're fine" twice?
It's more reassuring.
They texted "we're fine" twice.
That means they're not fine.
Oh, gosh dag it! I knew we should have
put that tracking thing on their phones.
We tried to.
They-- They declined our invitation.
They refused to share their location.
This is what happens
when you teach girls to read.
I'm nervous. I could joke or fart.
Which would you prefer?
[scoffs]
[typing on cell phone]
[flatulence]
[cell phone bleeps]
[sighs] She's asking where we are.
Block her.
We need to focus.
We'll throw ourselves
on the mercy of the court later.
[groans]
Look at this place.
It's like what the flu feels like,
but as a whole town.
What do you think killed it?
Opioids?
Walmart?
I'm guessing suicide.
Was there something historical here?
Maybe Mom was on a field trip.
According to the interwebs,
the best thing that ever happened
in Nardinia--
-Nandina. Sorry.
-This town.
Was when the Union soldiers
got parasites from the creek water.
It's a shit town on every level.
Maybe she was passing through
and her car broke down.
People don't take photos
with their broken down cars, Sterl.
I don't know!
Is that pig eating pig?
Dear God, look away!
Welcome to Hobo's Ham.
"Our ham is good."
That's it? That's your slogan?
Yep.
You know your sign
is basically a cannibal pig?
-Yeah.
-So, uh
-we just moved here and--
-Why?
Okay, you got us.
We would never live here.
Look, do you recognize this woman?
-No.
-She was probably before his time.
[man] Uh
I know her shirt, though.
Are you looking at her boobs?
That's our mother.
Where is her shirt from?
Local church.
You hear that?
Mom went to church in this town.
Maybe she was visiting.
Sterling, nobody visits here.
And if they did, they do not buy
a t-shirt from the local church.
And nobody visits here.
And also, no one visits here!
She lived here.
Okay. What if she has relatives here?
She could visit.
Seriously, if you had relatives here,
you'd say, "Sorry. I can never visit you
because if I did,
I would definitely witness a grisly crime
and then get thrown into a ravine."
I'm allowed to speculate.
Listen, I know this place
looks really gross,
-but it smells really good.
-You want to get ribs?
Do we risk it?
[flies buzzing]
[man] Mm.
[flies buzzing]
-No, uh-uh.
-Big no. Hard no.
I can't. We'll die.
Look, y'all gonna order something?
I got a sack of rear legs to throw
in the pig chipper before afternoon rush.
Pig chipper?
Afternoon rush?
Um, where is that local church?
All right, head down Main,
past Tom Fassbender's place.
If you see his dog, do not slow down,
she will bite clean through your tires.
Turn left at the big tree,
left at the tractor wreck.
If you hit the ravine,
don't look down in there,
head back up the hill.
Uh, I’m gonna tell you though,
that church is crazy.
Tabernacle Church of Christ the Redeemer,
The Living God, and His Army?
You know, the longer the name,
the more extreme.
Are you sure we want to do this?
Bailing on me again?
No, no, no, no, I'm ready. Let's do this.
I'm so ready.
[dogs barking]
In the car! Now! Quick! Quick! Quick!
[man] Try and look busy.
I am busy.
I'm doing my job.
Hey, could you look in the camera
for a sec,
and maybe say,
"It's collab time."
-That's good.
-That's good, right?
TMZ, get the fuck out of my office.
Go!
-[object clatters]
-[Terrance] Uh, yeah, take a break, Phil.
We'll grab his intro later
when he's not in a mood.
Trust me, this will always be my mood.
[groans]
All right, what we got on Fren-Z?
[sighs]
Well, he's trying to finish up a track
and get his ass down to the Maldives.
He can't fly commercial,
so he'll be looking for a private ride.
The record company
is trying to distance themselves from him,
so they won't be offering.
So who can he turn to?
Who in Atlanta
is rich enough to have their own plane
and powerful enough to do Fren-Z a solid
without getting in trouble?
[both] Tyler Perry!
[both chuckle]
-[Debbie] Mr. Bowser?
-[Bowser chuckles]
Oh, hi! I'm not sure if you remember me.
Uh, Debbie Wesley.
I'm Blair and Sterling's mom.
-I came by to see--
-Yes, of course.
You ordered a teeny-tiny yogurt
and then pushed it around the cup
instead of eating it.
[chuckles] Yes, well, I've been doing
that intermittent fasting, so
[chuckles and clears throat]
Sorry if that upset you.
I don't care what you do with it
once it's paid for.
That's just the image I used
to place you in my mind palace.
I found a parking space.
Does he know where the girls are?
-Do you know where the girls are?
-The girls?
Uh, the school called today.
They didn't show up.
We thought you might know where they are.
They're not answering their phones.
No, I don't have them
on the schedule today, but, uh
I'll be sure to keep an eye out.
Thank you. I'd appreciate that.
We do appreciate that.
Yeah, it'll be fine.
Teenagers.
[chuckles]
When we were teenagers,
my brother blew up an armadillo
with a Roman candle.
It was awful.
[Debbie] Right. Um
Well, here are our numbers.
Uh Could you just give us a call
if they pop by for yogurt?
Thank you, Mr. Bowser.
-Okay, now.
-Thank you.
Bye, now.
[cell phones ding]
Mom and Dad went to Bowser?
They totally know we're ditching.
We've come too far.
Ignore, block. We'll deal with it later.
Hey.
Jones, Perry, Pierce
Culpepper. Boom.
They spelled it with one P.
Mom's got two Ps in her maiden name.
There's the other P.
[woman] Are you girls here
for the Rapture preparation class?
It's not for another hour.
Uh No, ma'am, we're just looking around
tracing back our family roots, actually.
Would you happen to know the Culpeppers,
by any chance?
Culpepper.
Culpepper.
Cul pepper.
Culpepper.
Culpepper.
Culpepper.
Ah. Yes, just had to locate them
in my recollection storehouse.
They moved away a long time ago.
-How long ago?
-Oh
I don't know.
Poor things.
Poor things?
I remember feeling very bad for them.
-Because they lived here?
-Pardon me.
I live here and it happens to be
a nice reminder that the world to come
will be a whole lot better.
So, why do you feel bad for them?
Well, they had such a time
with that daughter of theirs.
Oh, no, what'd she do?
We do not gossip in this church,
young lady.
A bullfrog only has to croak once
to wake up the entire pond.
But, suffice it to say
she danced with the devil, that one.
We all prayed for them,
especially after that unfortunate business
with the police.
-The police?
-Uh-uh!
Without wood, a fire goes out.
I am not giving you any more wood.
But, um, would you care to make a donation
to our congregation?
One of our snakes recently passed.
[Blair] Oh.
We
spent all our money at Hobo's Ham.
Oh.
Well, in that case, I'd stick close
to a restroom if I was you.
Thank you, ma'am. We will.
It was nice talking to you.
Have a blessed day.
Are you sure you don't want
to come back to the Rapture class?
When that trumpet sounds,
we need to be prepared.
Oh, um, we're doing an independent study,
but thank you, ma'am.
[cell phone beeps]
Independent study?
[students chattering]
April! You are MOBOT.
Um, what? No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
You are missing out because of texting.
Don't become a robot who is a MOBOT.
Okay?
[mimics robot]
I am a robot who is a MOBOT.
I am--
She remarried?
[sighs]
I mean
Just put it away. Okay?
Okay. I'll put it away.
And look, you are doing great work.
Okay? I love you.
[sighs] Look at all this work.
Hey!
I wouldn't get too close.
Apparently, I'm MOBOT.
Yeah. Well, yesterday I was missing out
because of fantasy football. MOBOFF?
-It sounds kind of dirty, right?
-[chuckles]
-Ellen really loves acronyms.
-[chuckles]
Yeah.
I heard you were with Sterling last night?
What do you--?
What do you mean? What did you hear?
That you guys were, like,
making playlists and clues and stuff?
-How is she?
-I don't know. Fine.
Why do you even care?
Aren't you two broken up?
No. No. We're just working on ourselves
independently from one another.
And I've been working really, really hard,
and I've been giving her a lot of space,
uh, but I would like to close that space.
There's-- There's just too much space.
Did-- Hey, hey
Did she say anything about me?
Luke
[scoffs] Every time I say your name,
I want to tell you to "use the Force."
Oh, yeah, yeah, I get that a lot.
I actually tried to use the Force one time
to lift the fridge in our garage
off my favorite frisbee golf frisbee.
I popped one of my eardrums real bad.
Hey, what can you tell me about Sterli?
To stick with the theme
I think right now her space
is in a galaxy
far, far away from your space.
She's moved on.
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I'm not saying this to be hurtful.
I'm saying it as a friend.
Maybe it would be good for you to
start thinking about moving on,
save yourself some heartache.
"You can't stop change any more
than you can stop the suns from setting."
You're, like, a legit Star Wars fan.
Daddy and I watched them
whenever we have time together.
It's our thing.
Was our thing.
Yeah, I hear things have been
really rough at your house lately.
I'm really sorry about that.
Yeah, well.
I'm sorry about you and Sterling.
You know, she's--
she's not acting right. I'm--
I'm about this close
to being halfway angry at her.
I get it.
Girls, I just want to know
you're all right.
Gettin' a little nervous here
because I know how much
the two of you love your devices.
So, um
why don't we take a break from
the SnapTalk and the TicTac and
you know, give old Bowser a call
so I don't worry.
-All right.
-That's it?
Yeah. Press "end."
Uh you don't press "send"
on a voice message--
I said press "end." Damn it. "End."
[sighs] Gotcha.
Night night.
-It's not even night.
-The ladies love it.
They're girls! Okay? Not ladies.
Listen to Daddy over here.
What's your deal with those two, anyway?
I'm a teacher who respects his students.
I got their back. They got mine.
See, that's your mistake right there.
This is a business for lone wolves.
You think someone's got your back
and then you turn around
and they're stabbing you in it.
You get that? I'm giving you gold here.
Oh, shoot um, no.
-Was I supposed to be filming?
-Always be filming, bro!
It's your job. Do your job, man.
See? Can't rely on anybody.
Tell me about it.
-You want to repeat that line?
-No, the moment's passed.
[blows out] Thank God.
[clicks teeth]
This business is for lone wolves.
You think someone's got your back
and then you turn around
and they're stabbin' you in it.
This job is about self-reliance
and the purity of competition.
That's what keeps me turned on.
That keeps you turned on, huh?
Hell, yeah. What turns you on?
Yolanda.
She turns me on, too.
Not like that.
I've got real feelings for her, man.
Could you speak up?
You know what, if you don't stop
and shut that shit down right now,
I'm gonna throw this out the window.
You understand me?
[cameraman] Please, please don't.
I keep forgetting I'm being filmed
all the goddamn time.
[Terrance]
God, get with the times, Bowser.
No one is ever not being filmed.
The world is made of cameras.
May I please get my cross-stitch back?
I shut it off.
-[Bowser] Later!
-Okay.
I'm holding it for insurance.
I got feelings for Yolanda.
You think I make my buns for just anyone?
I thought you were a lone wolf.
Don't mean I don't like myself
a little lamb.
A boy's gotta eat.
Yolanda may be a lot of things,
but a little lamb sure ain't one of 'em.
You don't know her. I know her.
I've known her 20 years now.
Hm.
You'd think you would have done something
about it in all that time.
You can't bring this in.
Oh, right. Can you hold on to it for me?
No problem.
[man chattering]
Well, hey there.
I'm Blair. How are you doing today?
I was hoping that you could
help me with something.
-You trying to flirt with me?
-Maybe.
How am I doing?
Terribly.
You're blinking
like you got ash in your eye
and you're trying to get
a gay man to look at your tits.
Put them away.
Oh.
Did it ever cross your mind to just,
I don't know, ask for what you want
like a person?
You'll have to forgive my sister.
She's internalized the societal messaging
that women are only as valuable
as their sexual appeal,
so this has been a valuable reckoning.
Thank you.
And my sister has
internalized the societal messaging
that sisters can be unreliable
and selfish,
but I don't blame society
I blame her.
I really like your glasses.
[gasps] Vintage.
Nice, right? I had my prescription put in.
They're in perfect condition.
I found a pair like those
in the Sally Army once,
but the stems were so chewed up,
they looked like jerky.
These were dead stock, still in the box.
That dummy at that shop
had no idea what she had,
so I bought myself seven pairs.
I'm saving two,
and puttin' the rest on Etsy.
I'm a businessman.
Brilliant, and a heck of a score.
I'm Sterling, by the way.
Nice to meet you, I'm Garrett.
That's the way to have a conversation.
What can I do you for, Miss Sterling?
Well, we're looking for some information
on a woman that used to live here
in Nannadina.
[chuckles] Nandina.
See, it is hard to remember.
-Debbie Culpepper.
-Two Ps.
With two Ps.
Her birthday is February 26, 1981,
and we think she might have
a police record.
Fill out this form.
Name, phone, email address,
and I'll see
what I can come up with for you.
I like your shirt.
-Really? "I like your shirt"?
-Hey!
I'm going through a breakup.
Cut me a little slack, man.
[man] Just sit down.
[bell rings]
So, we know for sure he's here, right?
Yeah, that's what my girl told me.
-So, you already stepping out on Yolanda?
-It ain't even like that.
Darlene is hard where I like it soft.
We go to the same gym.
Lady's lean like Fight Club Pitt.
She mentioned once on a lag day
that she works here
and I added it to my memory castle.
So, what's your plan here?
I gotta feel out the situation.
I work on instinct.
Why? You got a plan?
Yeah, my plan is to get this over with
as quickly as possible.
That was my plan.
[tires screech]
Hey, Terrence.
See, one of the most important things
to have when you're a bounty hunter
is contacts.
I'm a lone wolf,
but I still have contacts.
Gonna call this episode "Lone Wolf."
You realize
we are working this case together, right?
Yeeeeah, I think I'll edit around you.
So what do you do exactly on the lot here?
I'm the beekeeper.
We got bee boxes all over.
Mr. Perry loves fresh honey.
Don't know that he eats it,
but he uses a lot of it.
I don't ask.
You think we could, uh, borrow your bees?
Use them to flush this guy off the stage?
Fuck, no!
My bees are docile and lovely.
So, how do you keep 'em calm?
You use smoke?
How do you know so much about bees?
Oh, that Secret Life of Bees movie.
I love me some Queen Latifah.
[Terrance] I know that movie.
Back when Jennifer Hudson
still had some meat on her.
So, uh can we borrow your smoker?
The smoker you can borrow.
[chuckles]
I see where this is going.
Phil, mount up! Let's go.
Terrance Coin
is going to smoke out his mark.
Great idea.
My idea.
[Sterling] Can you sit still?
No. No, I can't.
Can you please respect
my investment in this mystery?
This mystery that involves our mother?
I mean, I think the real question is,
why aren't you pacing?
Have you no curiosity?
Wonder? Alarm?
-I mean, are you dead inside?
-[man] Okay.
There is no arrest record
for Debbie Culpepper,
or Deborah, or Debs.
But we know she had a run-in
with the police.
A woman of God told us
and a local pig monger
pretty much corroborated, so
Okay, well, maybe it happened
when she was a minor.
She wouldn't be in the database
if she was underage.
[Blair] No, that is not good enough.
There has to be something else.
You're not even trying. Can I please--
-Hey! My picture!
-I am so sorry, Garrett.
She goes crazy when her blood sugar's low.
Thank you for trying.
It was nice to meet you.
It is always nice
to meet a fellow vintage lover.
-You have a nice day.
-Thank you.
-I don't have low blood sugar!
-No! Get back!
-Blair! Sorry!
-He's not really looking.
-He wasn't even looking--
-No wonder you're single.
What the hell are you doing?
What am I doing?
You're acting like a lunatic!
I knew it was a mistake to bring you here.
You don't have my back.
I should have done this myself.
Are you frickin' kidding me?
All I've done today
is support you and help you.
I apologize, again and again--
Saying you're sorry
doesn't fix what you did!
You destroyed my relationship!
You could have rescheduled
your date, Blair!
-Oh, yeah?
-You could have faked sick
like that time in French class
when you claimed you
had alien hand syndrome,
but no, as always, you went for
the highest level of drama possible,
because that's what you do.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Oh, let's see, where do I begin?
Um, you desperately tried to have sex
with Jennings as fast as possible,
to reclaim your title as the slutty twin.
You said that a substitute teacher's ghost
was haunting you.
You literally think that Mom
is some kind of criminal queen-pin.
You can't ever let things be normal!
Everything has to be a disaster,
a hullabaloo!
Yeah, I said hullabaloo!
So it makes perfect sense
that as soon as you get a nice,
stable relationship,
you immediately self-sabotage
and make it blow up in your face.
Poor, unique, special, interesting Blair.
Jealous.
You're jealous because my life
is whimsical, unpredictable
and fascinating,
and yours is, was,
and always will be boring!
I forge my own path.
You know what's gonna happen to you?
You're gonna go to UGA.
You're gonna pledge
Alpha Gamma Bitch Face.
Your hair will get blonder.
You'll get married by 23
and have babies by 25,
have the exact same wallpaper
and the exact same life as Mom.
You'll get back together with Luke
because he's safe and feels like home
and you don't have the guts
to take a chance on--
You have no idea what kind of guts I have!
Don't I, though?
I'm hooking up with April!
What?
I wasn't there for you last night
because I was following my heart,
and my heart was in my lips, and my hands,
and other parts of me
that are none of your beeswax.
I'm with April Stevens now
and she's a girl.
How's that for boring?
Yeah, that's right!
Walk away and think about
your actions and your words!
Oh, shoot, my gun.
-[alarm rings]
-Oh, we got action.
-That Swedish meatball is going down.
-Yeah.
[cell phone rings]
Hey, I'm kind of busy right now,
but I definitely want to know
where the hell you been all day.
-Hey, man. Focus up.
-Yeah. I gotta call you back.
Bowser.
Hey, hey, hey. Baby girl, everything okay?
-Sterling
-Sterling what?
Is she all right?
Bowser, hello!
We got into a fight.
Please, I don't know who else to talk to.
[Terrance] Hey, Bowser!
[people screaming]
No. Are you serious?
All right, tell me what happened.
Sterling hates me.
There's the little bastard.
And I think I hate her, too.
No. You two don't hate each other.
She had all these secrets.
We don't have secrets.
And because of her,
Miles broke up with me,
and did I mention she wasn't there for me?
[groans] I'm sorry to hear that.
And now she thinks I'm an asshole,
but she's the asshole.
You're kind of both assholes
if you ask me.
That's not funny.
-But I'm sure she didn't mean it.
-[people shouting]
No, I think she meant it.
No. Sometimes we say things that
we don't mean,
especially with siblings. You know.
She said
a lot of pretty intense stuff to me.
Did she?
Well what about you? What'd you say?
Well, I said some stuff, too, but
I'm angry.
Yeah, well, sometimes
Sometimes we say things out loud
just to get them off our chest,
to get 'em out of our system, you know?
This is bullshit.
I know.
You just gotta let that happen, you know,
feel what you're feeling.
it's going to be better.
It's going to get better.
Hey, truant.
You missed a pop quiz in Spanish today.
Un examen sorpresa.
But I'm sure she'll let you make it up,
Carolina.
What's the matter? You look upset?
Where are you?
I told Blair.
And she embraced you
with love in her heart
and said she supports us fully
and is so happy for us, right?
Yeah, it's like you were there.
What happened?
[sighs] We were having a huge fight
about other things
and then in the middle of it,
I blurted out that you and I were together
like I was spitting acid in her face,
and now we're not speaking,
and I don't know how
we're going to make it better.
Oh. Come on. She's your sister.
You two are bizarrely
and often upsettingly close.
You'll mend fences.
And now you've also got me.
I've got you?
And I've got you.
I can't wait to see you
at the lock-in tonight.
I was thinking
Now that Blair knows,
maybe it's time everyone knows.
Oh.
And maybe tonight is a good time
to let the whole world know
that you and I are us
or we.
We are you and me, but together.
Nothing crazy.
We could hold hands or something
or sleep side by side.
I guess
sleeping side by side
could be nice.
Yeah, I think it would be.
[knocking]
Hold on, be right there.
Shoot. My mom's knocking.
I'll talk to you later.
[disconnect tone]
[sighs]
Hey, little Padawan.
Daddy.
["I See My Mother" playing]
If it sounds right, I'll repeat ♪
If it looks good to me ♪
I will make it mine ♪
For the night ♪
Honey!
This business is for lone wolves.
You think someone's got your back
and you turn around
and they're stabbing you in it.
[Terrance laughs]
Bowsie-wowsie!
Can't even walk, let alone rope a skip.
Good thing I'm a lone wolf.
This job is about self-reliance
and the purity of competition.
That's what keeps me turned on.
Uh, excuse me. Madeas?
You're in the shot. Thank you.
Don't worry, Tyler Perry.
I may be a lone wolf,
but I'll be your friend.
[car engine starts]
Night night.
[stomps object]
All by myself ♪
Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
I'm always chasing after ♪
Somebody else ♪
All by myself ♪
I swallow whiskey ♪
I take to powder ♪
[cell phone rings]
But I am still so, so sad ♪
Hello?
Sterling, it's Garrett.
You liked my glasses.
Garrett, hi.
Listen, I saw how upset
your sister was when you left
and in the spirit of
"you cannot choose your relatives,"
I did some more digging.
I went back and I looked
at all the unsolved crimes
that fit the time window
for the woman you're looking for.
They know.
[Garrett] I found 16 results.
I'm sending them to you now,
but you got to promise
that you will not look at your phone
while you are driving.
Safety first!
Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
I'm always chasing after ♪
Somebody someone else ♪
All by myself ♪
I see my mother ♪
She's at the window ♪
She's letting down
She's letting down ♪
Her black hair ♪
Her black hair ♪
She won't let me in there ♪
I see my mother
She's at the window ♪
She's letting down
Her long black hair ♪
She won't let me in there ♪
Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
I'm always chasing after ♪
Somebody someone else ♪
All by myself ♪
Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
I'm always chasing after ♪
Somebody else ♪
All by myself ♪
Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
I'm always chasing after ♪
Somebody else ♪
Somebody else ♪
Somebody else ♪
Somebody else ♪
All by myself ♪
Um
Okay, so I know not showing up
last night was wrong.
Very, super wrong.
And bad.
And I feel bad for the bad
-and the wrong.
-Uh-huh.
I had no idea how complicated
planning a scavenger hunt could be.
And then April wanted the clues to rhyme
and the playlist for the lock-in
was truly a struggle.
I mean, I know that
"Don't Stop Believin'" is a classic,
but it's about a girl taking a train
at midnight going anywhere.
Is that the kind of behavior
we want to promote?
I mean, there is such a thing--
Hey!
You never came.
You knew I had a date with Miles.
Shoot. Did you miss your date?
We're broken up, Sterling.
I ran back and forth
like a duck in a shooting game.
And guess what? I got shot.
Head clean off.
Oh, Blair--
And as if the night
wasn't enough of a living nightmare,
I come home and I see this.
-[gasps] What the--
-You told me to slap you
if you kept going on about Mom,
but I'm not prepared to get physical
because I'm feeling wrong and bad.
Sterling she is lying.
This is symbolic.
-Ow!
-I'm following orders, okay? Your orders.
And I don't want to,
but I will soap-opera slap you
if I need to.
Your obsessed! It's unhealthy!
I'll show you unhealthy!
[both scream and groan]
Get off my hair!
Ouch! Sterling, get off of me!
You never win these fights.
[both scream and groan]
You know how this ends!
-Blair!
-Give me your arm!
-Blair, I'm kicking your butt!
-Give me your arm!
-There it is!
-Give me your other arm!
Look at this!
-No!
-This is Mom in Savannah
when she was a teenager.
I'm closing my eyes! I can't see!
Don't make me pry your eyelids open
because you know that I will do it.
-You see that sign? Hobo's Ham?
-[groans]
Not a good name for a restaurant.
It's like you're eating
a homeless person's pork.
Pork that he probably had
to fight off other hobos to get,
the way seagulls do.
Well, they never franchised
because there's only one in the state
and it's in a town called
Nandina.
[groans]
Blair. I'm losing feeling in my hands.
If I let you up, will you promise
to listen to me and not slap me?
I mean,
considering you ruined my entire life,
I think you need to hear me out.
-Fine, yes. I swear!
-[grunts]
Okay. Listen.
I looked through all the photo albums
and there is not one picture
of Mom before college
except from that box that she gave us.
So then I Googled,
"Debbie Culpepper, Georgia."
Oh, look, there's Mom's old manifesto
for the PTA coup.
"Why Wallis Williams is unfit to lead.”
-Mom was Miss Teen Georgia Peach, right?
-Mm.
There's nothing about that here.
It's like everything that happened
before 1999 in her life
has been completely scrubbed.
Maybe it was that Y2K thing
we learned about
where old people freaked
because they thought computers
were going to eat them.
I know I'm right,
-and after school I'm going to Grandina--
-Nandina.
Shut up!
I'm going there,
so find your own ride home after school.
What if I go with you?
-How would I know you'd show up?
-We could go right now.
Like, now now?
Yeah, like, skip school and hit the road.
Miss Perfect is suggesting we skip school.
Well, if you want to go,
then I want to be there for you.
Fine, but I'm driving
-and I'm still mad at you.
-Noted.
[theme music]
[vocalizing]
-I'm not gonna be at school today.
-[April] Are you sick?
Tell me your symptoms.
I carry Oscillococcinum
and Zinc in my bag,
but do I need to Postmate
some antihistamines?
I can't get sick.
I'm not sick. I'm skipping.
But only slackers
headed for City College skip.
What's going on?
Did you tell Blair about us?
Did she flip out?
Are you on a Greyhound
heading west to start a new life?
I haven't told her yet.
I want to take the day with her,
give her the space to absorb it.
Miles broke up with her
and she's going through some stuff.
Miles?
You know Miles. He parks cars at the club.
You've seen him.
Oh, right, the tall black guy?
-Don't say that.
-Why not?
He's tall and he's black.
Ezequiel calls you
"the white girl with the eyes."
[approaching footsteps.
Will you wipe and move it out already?
I'll call you later.
I miss your lips.
I miss your lips.
I miss your hair.
I miss your smell.
[April kisses over phone]
Oh, hey.
[disconnect tone]
[blows through lips]
What are you two doing here?
I didn't blow my helper whistle.
Who was that?
My
perfumier.
-[Ezequiel] Hm.
-We're working on a new scent blend.
He's French, so we kiss goodbye.
[all chuckle]
So what's the scent?
We're working on it.
There are notes of..
hickory.
[Ezequiel] Hmm.
What happened last night?
You were supposed to come
to my house for dinner.
Here. I brought you your lamb chops.
Something came up.
Do you think
"Don't Stop Believin'" is inappropriate?
Let me guess,
Sterling Wesley has boring taste in music.
Surprise, surprise.
She's more eclectic than you think.
Oh. Is she?
Look, crafting a playlist
is difficult. Okay?
Now, did you two make the list
for the Costco run yet?
Because a lock-in without snacks
is basically solitary confinement,
but with lots of other people,
so worse.
My point is, make the list. Okay?
And include breath mints.
It's a long night. I gotta go.
[bottle clatters]
Do we want a taser?
Why not? Throw it in.
I'm not seeing handcuffs.
Check in the desk.
You find some?
No, but I found something else. Come here.
Oh.
[scoffs] That does not look like
a comfortable position to sleep in.
-[Sterling] He'll be achey.
-He should stretch.
I don't think Bowser stretches.
He has the posture of a fishhook.
We could show him some stretches.
Like the warm-up we learned
when we had Zumba for PE?
Left arm reach, right arm reach,
Swirl your hips
like you’re on the beach
-[Bowser] Okay.
-Left arm reach
So, this is how I die?
Laying on the floor
while two white ladies Zumba over me.
Stop, please stop. Please stop! Stop.
We woke him up.
-Good morning!
-Hi!
Why are y'all here?
Why are you here, huh?
This is my damn office.
I can be here any damn time I please.
-Well, damn.
-[Bowser groans]
Shouldn't y'all be at school?
Yes, we are doing a self-defense
demonstration for PE
and, uh, it's graded and everything,
and Sterling forgot to prepare
because she's been forgetting
a lot of important things lately,
for which there are really no excuses,
and often, very serious consequences.
For which she is genuinely
and sincerely very sorry.
So, we need to borrow
some self-defense demonstration things.
[Bowser] Have at it.
Bowser?
Mm-hm.
Why do you smell like a gas station
that sells wine?
[grunts]
Because I bought wine at a gas station!
After I left Yolanda's house.
After I found her there with Terrance.
After I thought,
"Do I have feelings for Yolanda?"
After I went there to tell her
I had news about the Fren-Z case
and maybe ask her out for some soft tacos.
After I told her
I wasn't working with her anymore,
and I quit.
-No. Uh-uh.
-No, yeah.
You have got to go and get that case back.
No
I lost the only man I'll ever love
for that case.
Yeah, okay?
You have to go back and fight for Yolanda.
Offer her hard tacos.
And yes, Terrance may be
a very charming, good-looking man
with a gorgeous smile
and a twinkle in his eye,
but but you are Bowser!
Women don't really care about
that other stuff!
Oh, women hate that stuff, huh?
Yeah, believe me. I know what women like.
You don't know anything.
You don't know what I know.
Oh, really?
-Hey, hey, oh.
-Yeah!
What's with you two?
Snappin' at each other
like betta fish sharing a bowl.
We're having issues.
Well, get over them.
You're family. Figure it out.
Might we not say the same thing
about Yolanda?
Not if he's into her.
That would be gross.
We can be Bowser's family,
but she is his love interest. Duh.
But once you're with someone,
doesn't that make you family,
-like, by marriage or whatever?
-That's stupid.
No, it's not. It's a valid question.
-Stupid!
-Is not!
-Okay. Okay. Hey, hey, cut it out.
-[both shouting]
All right? Dirty laundry.
Wash it, fold it, put it away.
And go away!
And bring me back my stuff after school.
I'm gonna go throw up in the mop sink.
-Oh.
-[Bowser grunts]
Do you want to talk about
what happened with Miles?
You mean, do I want to talk about the time
that you didn't show up for me
and I lost my soul mate?
My one and only?
The man to whom I gave my flower?
Your flower? Ew.
He was everything, Sterling.
We like the same movies.
We both love nachos so much
that we don't care
if the other one has nacho breath.
He made me feel beautiful.
He's beautiful.
And he's smart, and weird, and funny,
and you ruined everything!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.
I was with April and--
And what?
Her bad rhymes
were more important than your sister?
They weren't all bad.
There were some solid ones
like "leave" and "peeve"
and-- and "trust" and "pizza crust."
So, April the Wonder Rhymer
is your new best friend now?
You know she hates you, right?
I wouldn't say that.
We're in a better place now.
Our relationship has evolved.
How nice for you.
What if I called Miles and explained?
Music? You pick.
-[tires thump]
-[Sterling grunts]
[hard rock music playing]
Go! ♪
Bowser!
-[soul music playing]
-[sighs]
Terrance.
What you got there?
Donuts.
For Yolanda. Is she home?
Sure, come in.
It smells so delicious in here.
That'd be my natural man musk.
I run sweet.
It could also be the cinnamon rolls
I made from scratch.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I overreacted.
I want to keep working with you.
I got emotional
and I said some dumb things,
but I am a professional
and I will be totally professional
from here on in.
I brought donuts.
Terrance made cinnamon rolls from scratch.
You want one?
Yeah.
-Uh-uh.
-Oh, fuck me.
-Yeah?
-How the hell did you--
I pour warm, heavy cream over the top
right before they go in the oven.
That's the trick
that makes them extra gooey.
Mm-hm. Goddamn.
I'm gonna freshen up.
Can't be tracking in an apron, you know?
Wouldn't look good on YouTube.
At least not for my bounty channel.
Great for my cooking channel.
You know, I end each show with, "Bye-bye."
Hold on a minute,
you've got a cooking channel?
Yeah, I sure do.
I also have one of those ASMR channels
where I rub my fingernails
across wicker furniture.
I'm still working on the catchphrase
for that one.
Hey, so, who's he got today?
-Fren-Z.
-That's my skip!
I'm still working that.
Now give it back to me.
You quit on me last night,
so I gave it to Terrance.
-Terrance!
-Yup.
I'm taking Fren-Z back.
I started this case.
I've got a line on him.
I know exactly where he's going.
I'm sorry, but my camera guy's
waiting out in the car.
I already booked him for the day.
I can't cancel on him now
after he turned down
Little Women: Atlanta for me.
That is not my problem.
It is now.
Try and make a move
and I'm going to be on you
like bird shit on a shiny car.
Guess that makes you bird shit.
Okay, that hurt my feelings.
You're hurtin' my business.
Yolanda, you know this is my case.
Y'all are giving me a tension headache.
Work it out.
Rock paper scissors?
I'll whoop your ass
at rock paper scissors.
-Mm.
-[both] One, two, three ha!
One, two, three ha!
One, two, three ha!
One, two, three ha!
One, two, three ha!
-Okay, Okay. Stop!
-[Bowser groans]
You're weirdly defying the odds.
Work together, 50-50 split. That's it.
-I work alone.
-You know I'm not letting this go.
The payout is enough for everybody.
Play nicely, or I will
take it away from both of you
and give it to Murphy the Dwarf.
-Can you even say that?
-Right?
It's an identifying feature
and a medical diagnosis.
It's like saying
High Blood Pressure Bowser.
You can just say Bowser, okay?
Fine. I'll share.
Because I like making you happy.
But clean yourself up a bit.
You're going to be on camera.
[man speaks over loudspeaker]
You should smile.
Men are not allowed
to say that to women anymore.
I assure you my suggestion
is purely academic,
uh, not flirtatious, ma'am.
Smiling faces are more easily identified,
thus serving to thwart identity theft.
You see, the neutral expression--
-Would you please take the photo?
-I'm not asking for a grin.
That would be too much. I'm not allowed.
I said no.
[cell phone rings]
Hello.
Uh Yes.
Yes, you know what,
I-- I completely forgot to call.
The morning got away from me.
Uh, the girls have doctor's appointments.
That's right. That's right.
That's why they're absent.
Um, no, they are fine.
They are totally fine.
Just, uh an ounce of prevention, right?
[forced chuckle]
[clears throat]
Well, thank you so much for calling.
Uh Bye, now.
[ringing]
[woman] Please leave your message
after the tone.
-[cell phone beeps]
-What did you do with my girls?
[hard rock playing]
[cell phone rings]
-[sighs]
-Who?
-Mom.
-[groans]
No way I'm picking that up.
[cell phone rings]
Now she's calling me.
Do we text her?
No! Don't.
Just ignore her.
It's better to ask forgiveness
than permission. Right?
What if she's worried?
All right, fine.
Text her, "We're fine.
Text you later.
Don't worry, we're fine."
"We're fine" twice?
It's more reassuring.
They texted "we're fine" twice.
That means they're not fine.
Oh, gosh dag it! I knew we should have
put that tracking thing on their phones.
We tried to.
They-- They declined our invitation.
They refused to share their location.
This is what happens
when you teach girls to read.
I'm nervous. I could joke or fart.
Which would you prefer?
[scoffs]
[typing on cell phone]
[flatulence]
[cell phone bleeps]
[sighs] She's asking where we are.
Block her.
We need to focus.
We'll throw ourselves
on the mercy of the court later.
[groans]
Look at this place.
It's like what the flu feels like,
but as a whole town.
What do you think killed it?
Opioids?
Walmart?
I'm guessing suicide.
Was there something historical here?
Maybe Mom was on a field trip.
According to the interwebs,
the best thing that ever happened
in Nardinia--
-Nandina. Sorry.
-This town.
Was when the Union soldiers
got parasites from the creek water.
It's a shit town on every level.
Maybe she was passing through
and her car broke down.
People don't take photos
with their broken down cars, Sterl.
I don't know!
Is that pig eating pig?
Dear God, look away!
Welcome to Hobo's Ham.
"Our ham is good."
That's it? That's your slogan?
Yep.
You know your sign
is basically a cannibal pig?
-Yeah.
-So, uh
-we just moved here and--
-Why?
Okay, you got us.
We would never live here.
Look, do you recognize this woman?
-No.
-She was probably before his time.
[man] Uh
I know her shirt, though.
Are you looking at her boobs?
That's our mother.
Where is her shirt from?
Local church.
You hear that?
Mom went to church in this town.
Maybe she was visiting.
Sterling, nobody visits here.
And if they did, they do not buy
a t-shirt from the local church.
And nobody visits here.
And also, no one visits here!
She lived here.
Okay. What if she has relatives here?
She could visit.
Seriously, if you had relatives here,
you'd say, "Sorry. I can never visit you
because if I did,
I would definitely witness a grisly crime
and then get thrown into a ravine."
I'm allowed to speculate.
Listen, I know this place
looks really gross,
-but it smells really good.
-You want to get ribs?
Do we risk it?
[flies buzzing]
[man] Mm.
[flies buzzing]
-No, uh-uh.
-Big no. Hard no.
I can't. We'll die.
Look, y'all gonna order something?
I got a sack of rear legs to throw
in the pig chipper before afternoon rush.
Pig chipper?
Afternoon rush?
Um, where is that local church?
All right, head down Main,
past Tom Fassbender's place.
If you see his dog, do not slow down,
she will bite clean through your tires.
Turn left at the big tree,
left at the tractor wreck.
If you hit the ravine,
don't look down in there,
head back up the hill.
Uh, I’m gonna tell you though,
that church is crazy.
Tabernacle Church of Christ the Redeemer,
The Living God, and His Army?
You know, the longer the name,
the more extreme.
Are you sure we want to do this?
Bailing on me again?
No, no, no, no, I'm ready. Let's do this.
I'm so ready.
[dogs barking]
In the car! Now! Quick! Quick! Quick!
[man] Try and look busy.
I am busy.
I'm doing my job.
Hey, could you look in the camera
for a sec,
and maybe say,
"It's collab time."
-That's good.
-That's good, right?
TMZ, get the fuck out of my office.
Go!
-[object clatters]
-[Terrance] Uh, yeah, take a break, Phil.
We'll grab his intro later
when he's not in a mood.
Trust me, this will always be my mood.
[groans]
All right, what we got on Fren-Z?
[sighs]
Well, he's trying to finish up a track
and get his ass down to the Maldives.
He can't fly commercial,
so he'll be looking for a private ride.
The record company
is trying to distance themselves from him,
so they won't be offering.
So who can he turn to?
Who in Atlanta
is rich enough to have their own plane
and powerful enough to do Fren-Z a solid
without getting in trouble?
[both] Tyler Perry!
[both chuckle]
-[Debbie] Mr. Bowser?
-[Bowser chuckles]
Oh, hi! I'm not sure if you remember me.
Uh, Debbie Wesley.
I'm Blair and Sterling's mom.
-I came by to see--
-Yes, of course.
You ordered a teeny-tiny yogurt
and then pushed it around the cup
instead of eating it.
[chuckles] Yes, well, I've been doing
that intermittent fasting, so
[chuckles and clears throat]
Sorry if that upset you.
I don't care what you do with it
once it's paid for.
That's just the image I used
to place you in my mind palace.
I found a parking space.
Does he know where the girls are?
-Do you know where the girls are?
-The girls?
Uh, the school called today.
They didn't show up.
We thought you might know where they are.
They're not answering their phones.
No, I don't have them
on the schedule today, but, uh
I'll be sure to keep an eye out.
Thank you. I'd appreciate that.
We do appreciate that.
Yeah, it'll be fine.
Teenagers.
[chuckles]
When we were teenagers,
my brother blew up an armadillo
with a Roman candle.
It was awful.
[Debbie] Right. Um
Well, here are our numbers.
Uh Could you just give us a call
if they pop by for yogurt?
Thank you, Mr. Bowser.
-Okay, now.
-Thank you.
Bye, now.
[cell phones ding]
Mom and Dad went to Bowser?
They totally know we're ditching.
We've come too far.
Ignore, block. We'll deal with it later.
Hey.
Jones, Perry, Pierce
Culpepper. Boom.
They spelled it with one P.
Mom's got two Ps in her maiden name.
There's the other P.
[woman] Are you girls here
for the Rapture preparation class?
It's not for another hour.
Uh No, ma'am, we're just looking around
tracing back our family roots, actually.
Would you happen to know the Culpeppers,
by any chance?
Culpepper.
Culpepper.
Cul pepper.
Culpepper.
Culpepper.
Culpepper.
Ah. Yes, just had to locate them
in my recollection storehouse.
They moved away a long time ago.
-How long ago?
-Oh
I don't know.
Poor things.
Poor things?
I remember feeling very bad for them.
-Because they lived here?
-Pardon me.
I live here and it happens to be
a nice reminder that the world to come
will be a whole lot better.
So, why do you feel bad for them?
Well, they had such a time
with that daughter of theirs.
Oh, no, what'd she do?
We do not gossip in this church,
young lady.
A bullfrog only has to croak once
to wake up the entire pond.
But, suffice it to say
she danced with the devil, that one.
We all prayed for them,
especially after that unfortunate business
with the police.
-The police?
-Uh-uh!
Without wood, a fire goes out.
I am not giving you any more wood.
But, um, would you care to make a donation
to our congregation?
One of our snakes recently passed.
[Blair] Oh.
We
spent all our money at Hobo's Ham.
Oh.
Well, in that case, I'd stick close
to a restroom if I was you.
Thank you, ma'am. We will.
It was nice talking to you.
Have a blessed day.
Are you sure you don't want
to come back to the Rapture class?
When that trumpet sounds,
we need to be prepared.
Oh, um, we're doing an independent study,
but thank you, ma'am.
[cell phone beeps]
Independent study?
[students chattering]
April! You are MOBOT.
Um, what? No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
You are missing out because of texting.
Don't become a robot who is a MOBOT.
Okay?
[mimics robot]
I am a robot who is a MOBOT.
I am--
She remarried?
[sighs]
I mean
Just put it away. Okay?
Okay. I'll put it away.
And look, you are doing great work.
Okay? I love you.
[sighs] Look at all this work.
Hey!
I wouldn't get too close.
Apparently, I'm MOBOT.
Yeah. Well, yesterday I was missing out
because of fantasy football. MOBOFF?
-It sounds kind of dirty, right?
-[chuckles]
-Ellen really loves acronyms.
-[chuckles]
Yeah.
I heard you were with Sterling last night?
What do you--?
What do you mean? What did you hear?
That you guys were, like,
making playlists and clues and stuff?
-How is she?
-I don't know. Fine.
Why do you even care?
Aren't you two broken up?
No. No. We're just working on ourselves
independently from one another.
And I've been working really, really hard,
and I've been giving her a lot of space,
uh, but I would like to close that space.
There's-- There's just too much space.
Did-- Hey, hey
Did she say anything about me?
Luke
[scoffs] Every time I say your name,
I want to tell you to "use the Force."
Oh, yeah, yeah, I get that a lot.
I actually tried to use the Force one time
to lift the fridge in our garage
off my favorite frisbee golf frisbee.
I popped one of my eardrums real bad.
Hey, what can you tell me about Sterli?
To stick with the theme
I think right now her space
is in a galaxy
far, far away from your space.
She's moved on.
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I'm not saying this to be hurtful.
I'm saying it as a friend.
Maybe it would be good for you to
start thinking about moving on,
save yourself some heartache.
"You can't stop change any more
than you can stop the suns from setting."
You're, like, a legit Star Wars fan.
Daddy and I watched them
whenever we have time together.
It's our thing.
Was our thing.
Yeah, I hear things have been
really rough at your house lately.
I'm really sorry about that.
Yeah, well.
I'm sorry about you and Sterling.
You know, she's--
she's not acting right. I'm--
I'm about this close
to being halfway angry at her.
I get it.
Girls, I just want to know
you're all right.
Gettin' a little nervous here
because I know how much
the two of you love your devices.
So, um
why don't we take a break from
the SnapTalk and the TicTac and
you know, give old Bowser a call
so I don't worry.
-All right.
-That's it?
Yeah. Press "end."
Uh you don't press "send"
on a voice message--
I said press "end." Damn it. "End."
[sighs] Gotcha.
Night night.
-It's not even night.
-The ladies love it.
They're girls! Okay? Not ladies.
Listen to Daddy over here.
What's your deal with those two, anyway?
I'm a teacher who respects his students.
I got their back. They got mine.
See, that's your mistake right there.
This is a business for lone wolves.
You think someone's got your back
and then you turn around
and they're stabbing you in it.
You get that? I'm giving you gold here.
Oh, shoot um, no.
-Was I supposed to be filming?
-Always be filming, bro!
It's your job. Do your job, man.
See? Can't rely on anybody.
Tell me about it.
-You want to repeat that line?
-No, the moment's passed.
[blows out] Thank God.
[clicks teeth]
This business is for lone wolves.
You think someone's got your back
and then you turn around
and they're stabbin' you in it.
This job is about self-reliance
and the purity of competition.
That's what keeps me turned on.
That keeps you turned on, huh?
Hell, yeah. What turns you on?
Yolanda.
She turns me on, too.
Not like that.
I've got real feelings for her, man.
Could you speak up?
You know what, if you don't stop
and shut that shit down right now,
I'm gonna throw this out the window.
You understand me?
[cameraman] Please, please don't.
I keep forgetting I'm being filmed
all the goddamn time.
[Terrance]
God, get with the times, Bowser.
No one is ever not being filmed.
The world is made of cameras.
May I please get my cross-stitch back?
I shut it off.
-[Bowser] Later!
-Okay.
I'm holding it for insurance.
I got feelings for Yolanda.
You think I make my buns for just anyone?
I thought you were a lone wolf.
Don't mean I don't like myself
a little lamb.
A boy's gotta eat.
Yolanda may be a lot of things,
but a little lamb sure ain't one of 'em.
You don't know her. I know her.
I've known her 20 years now.
Hm.
You'd think you would have done something
about it in all that time.
You can't bring this in.
Oh, right. Can you hold on to it for me?
No problem.
[man chattering]
Well, hey there.
I'm Blair. How are you doing today?
I was hoping that you could
help me with something.
-You trying to flirt with me?
-Maybe.
How am I doing?
Terribly.
You're blinking
like you got ash in your eye
and you're trying to get
a gay man to look at your tits.
Put them away.
Oh.
Did it ever cross your mind to just,
I don't know, ask for what you want
like a person?
You'll have to forgive my sister.
She's internalized the societal messaging
that women are only as valuable
as their sexual appeal,
so this has been a valuable reckoning.
Thank you.
And my sister has
internalized the societal messaging
that sisters can be unreliable
and selfish,
but I don't blame society
I blame her.
I really like your glasses.
[gasps] Vintage.
Nice, right? I had my prescription put in.
They're in perfect condition.
I found a pair like those
in the Sally Army once,
but the stems were so chewed up,
they looked like jerky.
These were dead stock, still in the box.
That dummy at that shop
had no idea what she had,
so I bought myself seven pairs.
I'm saving two,
and puttin' the rest on Etsy.
I'm a businessman.
Brilliant, and a heck of a score.
I'm Sterling, by the way.
Nice to meet you, I'm Garrett.
That's the way to have a conversation.
What can I do you for, Miss Sterling?
Well, we're looking for some information
on a woman that used to live here
in Nannadina.
[chuckles] Nandina.
See, it is hard to remember.
-Debbie Culpepper.
-Two Ps.
With two Ps.
Her birthday is February 26, 1981,
and we think she might have
a police record.
Fill out this form.
Name, phone, email address,
and I'll see
what I can come up with for you.
I like your shirt.
-Really? "I like your shirt"?
-Hey!
I'm going through a breakup.
Cut me a little slack, man.
[man] Just sit down.
[bell rings]
So, we know for sure he's here, right?
Yeah, that's what my girl told me.
-So, you already stepping out on Yolanda?
-It ain't even like that.
Darlene is hard where I like it soft.
We go to the same gym.
Lady's lean like Fight Club Pitt.
She mentioned once on a lag day
that she works here
and I added it to my memory castle.
So, what's your plan here?
I gotta feel out the situation.
I work on instinct.
Why? You got a plan?
Yeah, my plan is to get this over with
as quickly as possible.
That was my plan.
[tires screech]
Hey, Terrence.
See, one of the most important things
to have when you're a bounty hunter
is contacts.
I'm a lone wolf,
but I still have contacts.
Gonna call this episode "Lone Wolf."
You realize
we are working this case together, right?
Yeeeeah, I think I'll edit around you.
So what do you do exactly on the lot here?
I'm the beekeeper.
We got bee boxes all over.
Mr. Perry loves fresh honey.
Don't know that he eats it,
but he uses a lot of it.
I don't ask.
You think we could, uh, borrow your bees?
Use them to flush this guy off the stage?
Fuck, no!
My bees are docile and lovely.
So, how do you keep 'em calm?
You use smoke?
How do you know so much about bees?
Oh, that Secret Life of Bees movie.
I love me some Queen Latifah.
[Terrance] I know that movie.
Back when Jennifer Hudson
still had some meat on her.
So, uh can we borrow your smoker?
The smoker you can borrow.
[chuckles]
I see where this is going.
Phil, mount up! Let's go.
Terrance Coin
is going to smoke out his mark.
Great idea.
My idea.
[Sterling] Can you sit still?
No. No, I can't.
Can you please respect
my investment in this mystery?
This mystery that involves our mother?
I mean, I think the real question is,
why aren't you pacing?
Have you no curiosity?
Wonder? Alarm?
-I mean, are you dead inside?
-[man] Okay.
There is no arrest record
for Debbie Culpepper,
or Deborah, or Debs.
But we know she had a run-in
with the police.
A woman of God told us
and a local pig monger
pretty much corroborated, so
Okay, well, maybe it happened
when she was a minor.
She wouldn't be in the database
if she was underage.
[Blair] No, that is not good enough.
There has to be something else.
You're not even trying. Can I please--
-Hey! My picture!
-I am so sorry, Garrett.
She goes crazy when her blood sugar's low.
Thank you for trying.
It was nice to meet you.
It is always nice
to meet a fellow vintage lover.
-You have a nice day.
-Thank you.
-I don't have low blood sugar!
-No! Get back!
-Blair! Sorry!
-He's not really looking.
-He wasn't even looking--
-No wonder you're single.
What the hell are you doing?
What am I doing?
You're acting like a lunatic!
I knew it was a mistake to bring you here.
You don't have my back.
I should have done this myself.
Are you frickin' kidding me?
All I've done today
is support you and help you.
I apologize, again and again--
Saying you're sorry
doesn't fix what you did!
You destroyed my relationship!
You could have rescheduled
your date, Blair!
-Oh, yeah?
-You could have faked sick
like that time in French class
when you claimed you
had alien hand syndrome,
but no, as always, you went for
the highest level of drama possible,
because that's what you do.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Oh, let's see, where do I begin?
Um, you desperately tried to have sex
with Jennings as fast as possible,
to reclaim your title as the slutty twin.
You said that a substitute teacher's ghost
was haunting you.
You literally think that Mom
is some kind of criminal queen-pin.
You can't ever let things be normal!
Everything has to be a disaster,
a hullabaloo!
Yeah, I said hullabaloo!
So it makes perfect sense
that as soon as you get a nice,
stable relationship,
you immediately self-sabotage
and make it blow up in your face.
Poor, unique, special, interesting Blair.
Jealous.
You're jealous because my life
is whimsical, unpredictable
and fascinating,
and yours is, was,
and always will be boring!
I forge my own path.
You know what's gonna happen to you?
You're gonna go to UGA.
You're gonna pledge
Alpha Gamma Bitch Face.
Your hair will get blonder.
You'll get married by 23
and have babies by 25,
have the exact same wallpaper
and the exact same life as Mom.
You'll get back together with Luke
because he's safe and feels like home
and you don't have the guts
to take a chance on--
You have no idea what kind of guts I have!
Don't I, though?
I'm hooking up with April!
What?
I wasn't there for you last night
because I was following my heart,
and my heart was in my lips, and my hands,
and other parts of me
that are none of your beeswax.
I'm with April Stevens now
and she's a girl.
How's that for boring?
Yeah, that's right!
Walk away and think about
your actions and your words!
Oh, shoot, my gun.
-[alarm rings]
-Oh, we got action.
-That Swedish meatball is going down.
-Yeah.
[cell phone rings]
Hey, I'm kind of busy right now,
but I definitely want to know
where the hell you been all day.
-Hey, man. Focus up.
-Yeah. I gotta call you back.
Bowser.
Hey, hey, hey. Baby girl, everything okay?
-Sterling
-Sterling what?
Is she all right?
Bowser, hello!
We got into a fight.
Please, I don't know who else to talk to.
[Terrance] Hey, Bowser!
[people screaming]
No. Are you serious?
All right, tell me what happened.
Sterling hates me.
There's the little bastard.
And I think I hate her, too.
No. You two don't hate each other.
She had all these secrets.
We don't have secrets.
And because of her,
Miles broke up with me,
and did I mention she wasn't there for me?
[groans] I'm sorry to hear that.
And now she thinks I'm an asshole,
but she's the asshole.
You're kind of both assholes
if you ask me.
That's not funny.
-But I'm sure she didn't mean it.
-[people shouting]
No, I think she meant it.
No. Sometimes we say things that
we don't mean,
especially with siblings. You know.
She said
a lot of pretty intense stuff to me.
Did she?
Well what about you? What'd you say?
Well, I said some stuff, too, but
I'm angry.
Yeah, well, sometimes
Sometimes we say things out loud
just to get them off our chest,
to get 'em out of our system, you know?
This is bullshit.
I know.
You just gotta let that happen, you know,
feel what you're feeling.
it's going to be better.
It's going to get better.
Hey, truant.
You missed a pop quiz in Spanish today.
Un examen sorpresa.
But I'm sure she'll let you make it up,
Carolina.
What's the matter? You look upset?
Where are you?
I told Blair.
And she embraced you
with love in her heart
and said she supports us fully
and is so happy for us, right?
Yeah, it's like you were there.
What happened?
[sighs] We were having a huge fight
about other things
and then in the middle of it,
I blurted out that you and I were together
like I was spitting acid in her face,
and now we're not speaking,
and I don't know how
we're going to make it better.
Oh. Come on. She's your sister.
You two are bizarrely
and often upsettingly close.
You'll mend fences.
And now you've also got me.
I've got you?
And I've got you.
I can't wait to see you
at the lock-in tonight.
I was thinking
Now that Blair knows,
maybe it's time everyone knows.
Oh.
And maybe tonight is a good time
to let the whole world know
that you and I are us
or we.
We are you and me, but together.
Nothing crazy.
We could hold hands or something
or sleep side by side.
I guess
sleeping side by side
could be nice.
Yeah, I think it would be.
[knocking]
Hold on, be right there.
Shoot. My mom's knocking.
I'll talk to you later.
[disconnect tone]
[sighs]
Hey, little Padawan.
Daddy.
["I See My Mother" playing]
If it sounds right, I'll repeat ♪
If it looks good to me ♪
I will make it mine ♪
For the night ♪
Honey!
This business is for lone wolves.
You think someone's got your back
and you turn around
and they're stabbing you in it.
[Terrance laughs]
Bowsie-wowsie!
Can't even walk, let alone rope a skip.
Good thing I'm a lone wolf.
This job is about self-reliance
and the purity of competition.
That's what keeps me turned on.
Uh, excuse me. Madeas?
You're in the shot. Thank you.
Don't worry, Tyler Perry.
I may be a lone wolf,
but I'll be your friend.
[car engine starts]
Night night.
[stomps object]
All by myself ♪
Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
I'm always chasing after ♪
Somebody else ♪
All by myself ♪
I swallow whiskey ♪
I take to powder ♪
[cell phone rings]
But I am still so, so sad ♪
Hello?
Sterling, it's Garrett.
You liked my glasses.
Garrett, hi.
Listen, I saw how upset
your sister was when you left
and in the spirit of
"you cannot choose your relatives,"
I did some more digging.
I went back and I looked
at all the unsolved crimes
that fit the time window
for the woman you're looking for.
They know.
[Garrett] I found 16 results.
I'm sending them to you now,
but you got to promise
that you will not look at your phone
while you are driving.
Safety first!
Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
I'm always chasing after ♪
Somebody someone else ♪
All by myself ♪
I see my mother ♪
She's at the window ♪
She's letting down
She's letting down ♪
Her black hair ♪
Her black hair ♪
She won't let me in there ♪
I see my mother
She's at the window ♪
She's letting down
Her long black hair ♪
She won't let me in there ♪
Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
I'm always chasing after ♪
Somebody someone else ♪
All by myself ♪
Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
I'm always chasing after ♪
Somebody else ♪
All by myself ♪
Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
I'm always chasing after ♪
Somebody else ♪
Somebody else ♪
Somebody else ♪
Somebody else ♪
All by myself ♪