Telenovela (2015) s01e09 Episode Script

1 I'm a failure.
I've let so many people down.
He's right.
He's wasting our time.
Hey, look at me.
Pull yourself together.
I can't.
It's go time.
Jellybeans up.
- [gasps.]
- Yes! all: Ooh Great, that lives there now.
Okay, playtime's over.
Everyone's got work to do.
Oh, Mimi, acting's not work.
It's a craft.
I swear to God, Rodrigo, I'm about to kick the craft right out of you.
Hey, hey, let's go to my dressing room, drink some fizzy water, not threaten co-workers.
What are you looking at? Hey, what's going on? You know Rodrigo's afraid of you.
Martin's getting out of prison today.
What? Your ex-husband's getting out of prison, and you didn't even tell us? I just found out.
He got released early for good behavior.
What's good behavior in a white collar prison? Teach the best Pilates class? Maybe he Bedazzled all the license plates.
It's a white collar prison, but it's still prison.
Fine, he sang a medley from "Godspell" and won the talent show.
So what did you tell your kids? They're at their grandma's for the weekend.
But Martin called and said he was coming to see me.
- When? - Now! I haven't seen him since he got convicted.
He did not take it well.
[gavel pounds.]
Mimi! DVR "Grey's Anatomy" for me, please! Please! Martin was always such a wuss.
He sat at the nerd table in accounting school.
Just think about that sentence.
Hello, Mimi.
Martin? The jellybean.
[flamenco music.]
So, Martin, in jail, did you ever, like, mouth off to the warden and get sent to the hole? - We didn't have a hole.
- Oh.
We had a juice bar.
I'm sorry, can I just-- Martin, I still can't get over how you look.
Yeah, I cut my hair, and there wasn't much to do, so I started working out.
My cellmate was a tattoo artist.
So you got a tattoo of "Weird Al" Yankovic? That's Mimi.
I had a lot of time to think the past few years.
And I just want a chance to show you that things can be different.
We can be a family again.
Uh, Mimi, they need us on set, immediately, right now, right now, for the scene, Gael, - for that scene with the puppy-- - Murder.
The puppy murder.
Don't worry, Martin, the puppy does the murdering.
Yeah, it's so cute.
Sounds cute.
Yeah, yeah.
Good to see you, Martin.
Love the look, very prison-y.
Wow, did you see Martin? He looked good.
- Didn't he look good? - He looked good.
You wrong.
He looked great.
And he never used to talk about us and the family before.
What do I do? Nothing.
No matter how good he looked, don't forget, Martin is still the same guy who stole lots of money from his clients and lied to you.
That hasn't changed.
Okay, but in his defense, did you see his tush? Ha, ha! Hold on.
What am I saying? I don't want him back.
At least, I don't think so.
Mimi, you're unhinged.
You're all over the place.
You're talking crazy.
[gasps.]
You sound like me.
- [gasps.]
- That's not good? No, it's not.
You know what you need? Someone to ground you, to calm you.
You need a Mimi.
You need me to be your Mimi.
You need a Me-Mimi.
You need a Mini-Me-Mimi.
That is me.
- Mi-mi-mi-mi-- - Please stop.
Yep.
Kay, come on.
Let's go.
All right, Mimi, what are we gonna do? You know what? We're gonna get your mind off Martin by having a good old-fashioned girls night out.
Oh, I love girls night out.
Should we invite the guys? Fine, I'll attend your silly bonding ritual.
But no hugs, no hair-braiding, and no, "you go, girls.
" I make no promises.
Oh, Gael, it really is just the girls.
Sushi, margaritas, some light purse talk.
But I love all those things.
Dude, come out with me and Rodrigo tonight.
This will be fun.
You never really bro it out with us.
What is involved in bro-ing out? Eating steaks, watching sports, having sex with women.
Okay, I like most of those things.
Good, you go out with the boys and have fun.
We'll just end up talking all night.
It's gonna be so boring.
Ha, ha! [all groaning.]
Oh, that's awful! Let's do another one.
What are those shots called? Brain bombs.
Mimi made me do them when I broke up with Xavi.
And since I'm Mimi's Mimi, I'm making her do them.
Circle of life.
Still can't believe Martin went to prison a soft, scared, little man and came back looking like a hot thug.
Oh, my God, I'm a cholo chaser.
- Was he really that boring? - Oh, hell yes.
He'd make us listen to NPR during sex.
He'd also wear compression socks to bed and would drink a glass of whole milk at every meal.
Whole milk, come on, brah.
Shh! Enough Martin talk.
Kay, before we go out, I want to make a toast to beautiful, talented, independent women who don't need men to lead full lives.
I will not toast to that.
I would be nothing without my husband, Ed.
- Wait, you're married? - Weird, right? None of us have ever met the guy.
Yeah, I don't think he can come out during the day.
He might burst into flames.
Do not make fun of my husband.
We're equal partners.
When we walk on the beach, we leave one set of footprints.
Ed knows me, every nook and cranny.
[laughter.]
both: Ew.
Isaac, the place looks great.
Where'd you get that couch? I got it from the stage next door, Mario Lopez's talk show, "Hablo con Mario.
" Why did they cancel that? I guess no one wanted to hablo con Mario.
Hey, guys.
Gael, you ready to hang out with the bros, brah? I don't think so.
I was reading an article about the show, and I started looking at the comments.
Oh, papito, never read the comments.
This one guy said I was the worst actor on the show, and that my eyebrows were ridic.
Short for ridiculous-- clever.
But forget about all of that.
Let's go out and have some fun.
But what if he's right? I want to talk about this.
I tried calling Ana and Mimi, but they don't answer.
Yeah, that's right.
I want to order 12 large meat lover pizzas delivered to Gustavo-- [whispers.]
Wait, what's Gustavo's last name? I don't know.
- [laughter.]
- I don't know! Well, we're here.
We can talk about it.
- You would do that for me? - Of course.
We get harsh things written about us all the time.
A girl once said I wear too much man jewelry.
I already took ten things off.
Someone once wrote I look like a hot Mr.
Potato Head, which, I can't lie, is kind of what I'm going for.
Oh, yeah.
Great talk.
Guys night out! Whoo-hoo! Actually, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk a little bit more.
[laughter.]
Oh, you're serious.
Sure, we can talk about it a little bit, and then we'll head out.
Great, thanks, guys.
I'm so confused.
Was becoming an actor a huge mistake? I mean, I could've been anything-- a model, a supermodel, a fitness model, fashion model, ab model, underwears model, shoes-- I can sell a lot of shoes.
Ah! [groans.]
I'm so hungover.
Roxie, what did we do last night? I don't remember.
All I know is I woke up on your kitchen counter, got dressed, and ran to the gym.
How are you not hungover? Oh, I'm very young.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God, I'm going down.
I'm going down.
Roxie, catch me! [grunts.]
Did you catch me? I wanted to.
- Hey.
- Mimi! Do you remember anything we did last night? No.
Good morning.
Okay, I remember one thing I did.
[hiccups.]
So, Martin, I'm so glad Mimi met you last night.
You know, she doesn't date much since her loser husband went to jail.
Who I just figured out is you? Yes, Roxie, this is Mimi's sex-husband-- ex, ex, I meant.
Ex, not sex.
I should probably go.
I'll give you a call later, Mimi.
Feels like we have so much more to talk about now.
Really missed you.
Well, Martin, it was such a surprise to see you this morning.
Oh, have a great day.
Catch you later.
Bye-bye.
Okay.
Oh, my God, Mimi, you had sex with Martin, and in my bed? Also your steam shower.
I don't have a steam shower.
- Damn, Mimi.
- I know, right? What happened? I don't know.
I don't remember anything.
How did he get here? Check your phone.
Right there.
Uh, okay, at 3:45 AM, I texted Martin, "Are you up?" He texted back, "Yep, what you doing?" And then I texted, "You in 30 minutes.
" Hey-o! Bow-chicka-wow-wow, wow-wow.
I'm definitely still drunk.
The moment we started drinking, I knew I should've locked your phone in my safe with my passport and my zombie apocalypse money.
When it happens, I'm gonna buy my way to safety.
But as your Mimi, Mimi, I got to shut this Martin thing down.
You were miserable when you were married to him.
You always said he was selfish and boring.
I know, but it's like he's a completely different person.
Between last night and all this talk about our family, maybe he's becoming the man I've always wanted him to be.
You are in no condition to make a big decision like that right now.
Look, I want you to stay away from Martin until we can figure this out together.
All right, you're right, I'll stay away.
Hey, does anyone else have extra jewelry from last night? Somehow I ended up with four skull rings.
Yeah, I ended up with this ugly heart bracelet.
I gave you that last Christmas.
Thank you.
It is so pretty.
[all gasp.]
I had that same nightmare where I was bald.
What? It's a choice.
I shave this.
What time is it? Did we spend the whole night talking about what Gael could do instead of being an actor? Last thing I remember, I was Googling how to become a foot model.
Turns out I don't have the arches for it.
Well, at least you feel better.
Not really.
I just hate that those Internet trolls got into my head.
It's not fair that some guys out there can say anything they want and get away with it.
You know what, enough talking.
Let's take action, boys.
Talking is not doing.
Doing is doing.
Oh, I like that saying.
Put that on a fitted t-shirt.
I would wear it.
Let's find one of these guys and confront 'em.
Okay.
Well, this one's from Sweden.
Sweden, Sweden-- wow, Swedish people do not like you.
Oh, here's one from Miami.
It says he works at Kool Kona Coffee on Ocean Drive.
Let's see how much he has to say when he says it to your face.
See you soon, @TheRealBigBadBrad.
That's his name? Can't we just confront @UnicornKisses23? Gael, we're doing this.
Who's hungry? Where'd you get that food? From the new cooking show next door, "Cocina con Mario.
" They're really trying to get something going con Mario.
Okay, guys, I made us some greasy bacon sandwiches.
- Where's the bread? - The bacon's bread.
- So what goes in the middle? - Also bacon.
It's just a pile of bacon.
Eat it.
- [camera shutter clicks.]
- What are you doing? Uh, taking pictures of my breasts for my doctor.
It's a new mammogram app i iBoob.
iBoob? Really? I knew it.
You're sending these to Martin.
Sidebar, they look amazing.
We got to talk bras later.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just, it's kind of fun.
We've never flirted like this before.
Mimi, this is going too fast.
I want you to stop contact with Martin.
Fine, you're right, Mimi.
[phone chimes.]
It's not my phone.
Oh, I think it's coming from Isabela's purse.
- Where is she? - I don't know.
I thought she went home.
She has a bunch of missed calls from her husband.
What? Oh, no, he just texted, "Where are you? I'm worried.
" Oh, my God, Isabela's missing.
We got to find her.
She's our friend.
Okay, she's someone we work with.
Where else did we go last night? Come on, ladies, think.
I think I kissed a very petite man with a ponytail.
- That was me.
- Ah.
Oh, now I know what we did.
all: Mannequin jousting.
keep shaking it keep shaking it Okay, two things I remember now.
One, I'm the champion of mannequin jousting.
Two, Isabela was still with us on set.
But where did we go next? Must be a clue somewhere.
I don't just stick things in my hair.
I know, but sometimes I do.
"Blaze Deluxe.
" Well, ladies, either we hired a stripper last night, or-- Yeah, we hired a stripper.
There's nothing else he can be.
We need to go see him.
Maybe he knows something about Isabela.
He's the CEO of "Global Superstar Entertainment International.
" Oh, I hope we can get an appointment.
No deal, brah, bubble machine is extra.
Listen, I got to jet.
My next appointment's here.
Sorry about that.
So go.
This is your office, Mr.
Deluxe? Well, this is my East Coast office.
Everything West Coast is handled in my Honda Civic.
Look, I can help you find your friend, but it's gonna cost you $1,000.
We'll give you 10 bucks.
I would've done it for two.
You just got blazed.
[imitates gunshots.]
[grunts.]
Yeah, you guys hired me last night.
And then things got cray.
What happened? Well, for starters, that little spider monkey climbed on my back and tried to bite me.
I do do that.
And the big-haired cougar you were with tipped me with a check.
all: Isabela.
So tell us more about the cougar.
Some baller with a sweet suit came by with roses.
She left with him.
Maybe it was her husband.
Why would he still be looking for her this morning? You don't think Isabela's having an affair, do you? [gasps.]
A-choo! Yeah, she's having an affair.
Do any of you fine ladies know how to fold a fitted sheet? - Oh, just-- - Don't touch that.
That must be Brad.
He looks like a Brad.
What does a Brad look like? Like a Mitchell, but nerdier.
Gael, we're all gonna go up there and tell Brad that if he has something to say, he can say it to your face.
It's Brad.
Man, that guy's big.
It's okay; we can take him.
Have either of you ever been in a fight before? - Yes.
- All the time.
Any that weren't on TV? - Never.
- Nope.
Hey.
Gael Garnica? Yes? I can't believe it's actually you! I am such a huge fan of yours.
But you said I was the worst actor on the show.
Oh, that.
I was having a really bad day.
Plus, I hate that talking doll storyline you guys are doing.
You hate it? The doll has more lines than me and more love scenes.
It is a very sexy doll.
The point is, Brad, you can't write mean stuff like that online.
It's hard not to take personally.
I've been upset ever since I read it.
Yeah, how would you feel if we wrote online that your coffee sucks? Well, I guess I'd have the self-confidence to know that it doesn't matter what a bunch of strangers think as long as I'm okay.
Oh.
That's another way to handle it.
So Isabela's cheating on her husband.
At least she's alive.
Yeah, I would hate to be responsible for her death.
I mean, if I got caught.
Martin! Hi, Ana.
Hey, beautiful.
Hey! Sorry, it's a reflex.
What is he doing here? I know, what are the odds? Mimi, you said you would stop texting him.
Fine, he just needed to know where we were to come pick up my house keys.
He's staying with you? He has no place else to go.
- Mimi! - He just got out of prison.
That was gonna be my argument.
Forget the fact that he's a criminal.
He was a bad husband before that.
Remember? Selfish and boring.
Okay, but, do you see how sweet he's being? I mean, he's even taking me to Il Palazzo for dinner.
I have always wanted to go there.
Yeah, 'cause he never took you out.
He never did anything for you.
When you guys got married, he made you register at Office Depot.
We got matching his and her staplers.
Okay, it's complicated.
Martin and I had a life together.
We had a family.
I want that back.
You already have that.
You don't need him.
Give me that.
Give me! Give me the keys.
Roxie! I didn't know whose team I was on.
Give me those keys, Martin.
Oh, yeah? Are you seriously climbing me? Give me it! Give me that! Give me that! - Mimi! - Martin, let's go.
As your Mimi, I can't let you go with him.
I don't need a Mimi.
You're fired.
I don't care.
I'm not letting you go.
Ha! Ha, ha, ha! Damn it! I hate reverse! [knocking on door.]
I hear you.
For the love of God, please stop knocking.
Isabela and family? So weird.
Uh, where have you been? I mean, besides here, where you've been all night? Not jousting or with strippers or leaving with strange men.
Hi, I'm Ana.
Words are not my friend right now.
India, Carson, this is what happens when you make poor life choices.
She'll probably be homeless in a year.
Is my purse here? I hope I didn't leave it in the Uber.
That was an Uber driver that took you home? Why did he have flowers? Blame that one on me.
Yesterday was our 14 1/2 year anniversary.
We celebrate everything.
This man is my king.
Hey, what about the text Ed sent this morning saying he was worried about you? Oh, we got separated at the farmers' market.
I got sucked in by the fresh preserves.
What can I say? Jam is my jam! [laughter.]
What's happening? Okay, Boozie, we're leaving.
We go out to dinner every Saturday night.
Every Saturday night? We also send each other handwritten love poems.
Would you like to hear one? 100% no.
But that does give me an idea.
How about I take you guys out for dinner tonight? Fine, but she can't sit with us.
Wouldn't want to.
Why don't we go to Il Palazzo? Oh, we love it! Isabela and I spent the fifth anniversary of our third date there.
Ed, you are riding my last nerve right now, buddy.
This trip was a waste of time, huh? Not at all.
If you guys didn't get me to come down here, I would've just stayed at home and stewed over it.
But I faced @TheRealBigBadBrad, and now I feel way better.
So do you need to talk about it some more? No, I'm good.
But I do want to talk about last night, when Ana kissed Roxie.
Is it weird that I found it arousing? both: No.
What are you doing here? I know you fired me as your Mimi, but I'm here as Ana.
And Ana has decided, instead of fighting her hangover, she's gonna lean way into it.
[slurping.]
[exhales.]
Now I feel way worse.
So did you come here to see how things turned out between Martin and me? I came here to show you that.
So weird.
Isabela wasn't lying.
She has the perfect family.
They even go to farmers' markets.
They probably ride their bikes there.
Just to rub it in our faces.
- [laughter.]
- Oh! Ugh, look, Mimi, I just want you to be happy.
And if that demon woman can have the perfect family, so should you.
If you think Martin can give that to you, then I'll support you.
Hmm.
He ordered without me.
He knows I hate that.
Ugh.
What am I doing? He's never gonna change.
He's always gonna be boring and selfish and drink that stupid milk.
Milk is stupid.
Nobody drinks it.
I can't make the same mistake twice.
Mimi, you're gonna be fine without Martin.
I think I was just holding on to the idea of him and not actually him.
I just wanted someone for after the kids go to bed, a warm body to cuddle up with and watch TV.
See, Mimi, you don't need a husband to do this.
- You got me.
- Yep.
You and everyone else.
Hey, somebody's feet are freezing.
Sorry.
Mimi, I can't believe you almost got back together with your ex-husband.
They did more than that.
They had sex.
Huh? In this very bed.
[all yelling.]
Mimi! We also did it on the floor.
[all yelling.]
And the bathroom's not safe either! [all whimpering.]