Testees s01e09 Episode Script

Muscle relaxers? Yeah right, last week they told us we were testing simple ear drops.
Didn't we already do muscle relaxers? No, those were sphincter relaxers.
Right, I remember.
God! That was the worst.
We had to get our carpets removed.
Sometimes, on a hot day, I can still smell it in the wood.
I don't know about these muscle relaxers, I mean, my muscles are already pretty relaxed.
I don't know, I slept weird last night, I've got a bit of a sore neck Careful.
Well, down the hatch.
Feel anything? The Bankable Teens proudly presents Testees 109 - Jelly Bean Omelettes Is he okay? He seems to be suffering from locked in syndrome.
Every muscle in is body is paralyzed.
Except his eyes and eye ledges.
He's drooling.
He is brain-dead or just retarded? No, he hasn't lost his cognitive functions, he's fully aware and can hear us.
Isn't that right, Mr.
Cooper? Jesus, I can't move, this is a nightmare, I can't move.
How are you, buddy? It would be easier if you ask yes or no questions.
- Alright.
- Blink once for "yes".
Once for "yes", fine.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm peachy keen, you idiot.
If you and Mr.
Cooper got the same dosage, yet you show no symptoms and he seems to have overdosed.
Ron, you bastard.
Yeah, it's very strange.
But Pete's always been very intolerant to muscle relaxants and stuff like that.
Bullshit, you gave me your dose.
He looks peaceful, almost like he's enjoying it.
If I could move, I'd kill you.
So, what do I do, I just leave him here and you guys call me when he's better? We have no facilities here to take care of him.
You need to take him home.
No, no please, please, I need medical attention.
How long do you think he'll be like this for? I have no idea.
To communicate with him, go through the letters of the alphabet.
Let him blink on each letter until he spells out a word.
Smart.
Don't worry, Petey, I'm going to take good care of you.
Oh Jesus, I am in big trouble here.
I don't know who invented pizza, but whoever it is deserves a Nobel Prize because it is unbelievable.
That smells so good.
Is that your stomach growling? You've got to be hungry.
Yeah, no kidding, you dumb shit, I'm starving.
- Are you hungry? - Yes.
One blink, wait, what is that "no"? No, it's "yes".
- So one blink is "no"? - No.
I'm confused, Pete, I can't remember which is which.
- You've got to be hungry.
- Thank God.
Here you go.
You're not really going to stick that in my mouth? Okay, Ron.
Eat.
You're just drooling on it.
I can't chew it, moron.
Okay, come on, you can do it, come on big boy, just chew.
And down, that's it, get it in there.
No, you don't want pizza? What do you want? We'll use the alphabet.
Good, I can tell you what an idiot you are.
I will say a letter and then you blink when you want that letter and we'll spell out what you want.
Okay, what do I want? Soup, I can eat soup.
C - D - Go faster, I can't keep my eyes open.
E F G H I J J? No, I just blinked by accident, shit now what? Something I can eat that starts with a J.
Juice, I can I can drink juice, I guess.
C D E E? Okay, this is working.
No it's not, I keep blinking because I can't keep my eyes open.
Fine, J E I'll have Jell-o.
Here you go, buddy, one jelly bean omelette.
I wanted soup.
Come on, you've got to eat.
Guess I can't eat your jelly bean omelette.
Good, you eat it, candy and eggs together at last.
Now, what's he doing? Ron, what are you doing? Do not do not spit in me.
I'm not here, I'm with mommy.
Okay, let's get you cleaned up.
Just because you're a vegetable retard, doesn't mean you can't have fresh breath, right? Ron, that's the toothbrush we use to clean the toilet.
Okay, open up and say "Ah".
I'm just kidding, I know, you can't move.
Side to side, side to side.
Something smells like jelly bean omelettes.
Do not put that in my mouth, Ron Ron! - You got to go pee-pee? - I do not need to go pee-pee.
Come on, big boy.
I'm good, Ron, just put me down.
Let's get this night over with.
This is a new low.
False alarm.
Will you at least pull my pants back up? Next time, don't blink like you've got to pee.
Unless you've really got to.
I won again, Pete, looks like you owe me another five bucks.
Peter Cooper, this is your best friend.
Hey, you guys want to buy some art? What? No, where did you get that? Dumpster, some old guy kicked it so I knew there'd be some good shit in there this week.
Someone dies and you just swoop down like a vulture belongings? - It's a good system.
You read the obids, go to the funeral, you follow them back to the dead guy's place, wait til dark, , you take the good shit and you go home.
- Why are you telling me this? - I got a backgammon set.
Great, you can retire, you've got a backgammon set.
What's up with him? He's a drooling vegetable now and I've got to take care of him.
Drooling vegetable? If I could just stay in the couch, Jesus.
Nugget, you smell like a dumpster, keep away from me please.
Hey buddy, how's it going? Yeah, I'm not a retard, I just can't move.
Oh Jesus, get your dumpster fingers out of my mouth you pig.
You sme Oh God, pull that in.
Do not Oh God.
You really must be paralyzed because the other Peter would be freaking.
Jesus.
- This is torture.
- He can't do anything? I don't know.
Guess not.
Wow, no pain? Black blobs on each side like an 18th century medallions.
Memorializing the great dead of the past.
- Hold on - How much is that? What do you think? That's horrible.
What's it worth? Nobody would buy that, unless it was painted by a serial killer, it's worthless.
I'm so sorry my dear, to interrupt.
What if I told you it was painted by a quadriplegic? Let me call you back.
It was? Oh yeah, but clearly you're not interested.
Wait, wait A quadriplegic, seen in that light, well, it is really quite haunting.
My apologies, I thought you were the artist.
A drooling quad.
Only able to express his inner most emotions through his art.
- Are there any more? - Oh yeah, tons.
The emotional value is priceless.
Emotional value, whatever, ? Do you think you can just come in here on a Friday and sell them? We have to do this right.
Mind you, there's nothing wrong with having a small showing for a group of friends and colleagues? Giving them a sneak peak.
Get a buzz going.
They could sell.
Here you go, isn't this nice? - This isn't so bad.
- You can still enjoy the view.
What view? The curtains are closed.
- Favourite music.
- Please, let it be the best of Mozart.
Figured you're probably sick of all my blabbing and hanging around so, thought I'd give you some alone time, you deserve it.
Well, that's very lovely, Ron.
Ron, what is this? Ron, this music is skipping.
- What's wrong? You want it louder? - What's wrong? The CD is scratched, Ron, just just turn it off.
It's skipping, Ron, the CD is scratched.
- You want it louder still? - Do not make that louder.
You really want to rock out? - Let's crank this baby on full.
- God damn it, Ron, you idiot.
Just relax and enjoy.
Please, kill me, God.
This is really hot so this should warm you up.
Okay, are you still cold now? I never said I was cold.
This must be a side effect from the muscle relaxants, because I'm hot as hell in a t-shirt in here.
Me too, jerk-off.
I've got an idea, don't you worry, Pete.
This ought to be a doozy.
Where's he taking me? - What do you think, bake or broil? - The oven? Let's bake you at 500 degrees.
Alright.
It's nice and toasty warm.
I've got a confession to make.
- What, that you're a total dick? - Funny story, I didn't want those relaxants and so I put my dose in your cup.
One could say kind of that I'm partially responsible for all of this.
Pete, what are you trying to say? You forgive me? I will never forgive you.
Thanks Pete, you're such a good listener, a good friend.
I still feel like I've got to make this up to you some how.
Why don't we have a special Pete day, today? Anything you want to do, you name it, anything.
My nose is itchy.
Right now, the only thing I want to do is scratch my nose.
I, J, K, L, M, N? N? Is that right? Yes, it's a miracle, come on, Ron, nose.
I'm going to explode if I don't get it scratched.
N nickels, nitrogen, Nigeria, nieces nieces.
You want to spend time with your nieces.
Will that cheer you up, spending some time with your family? No, no, God damn you, no family, keep doing the alphabet.
Those kids will cheer anybody up.
Scratch my nose.
It's ringing.
Get off me you brats Ron.
- Kids having fun in there? - Ron! Play nice with uncle Petey, okay? Uncle Pete is drooling.
Come on, Pete, that's disgusting.
- Gross That's it, I can't handle it.
- What was I It's too much.
I'm calling Testico to come and get somebody.
Ron, do not leave me with them.
Let me tell you a story about a man a good man, a quadriplegic man, who grew up poor in wartorn Yugoslavia.
Little Gustav helped often help deliver ammunition to the front line until one day, a snipers bullet found his spine, and little Gustav lost the use of his arms and legs.
So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado I present to you the works of my hero Gustav Nedic.
Yeah, cripple arts the hugest thing in Berlin, right now.
You can quote me on that.
Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
This is better than I could ever have dreamed.
People are very excited, all that's left is to meet Gustav.
- Gustav? - The artist.
To be honest, some of these pieces are not exactly inspiring, but with his history, it might surprise you to know, but some collectors are more taken with artists stories than with their works.
So, we must absolutely have him in, - is that a problem? - No, no, not at all.
No big deal.
Good.
Thank you and please hurry.
Good news, they're sending a nurse over to take care of you and they might have an antidote, so, hang in there.
Finally, I might survive this after all.
I know, it must be a little weird having someone else take over, but I think this is for the better.
No shit! Dr.
Kevorkian would do a better job.
Alright, well I'll be in my room if you need me.
Good, go, stay in there, leave me alone.
When is this going to wear off? Who's this? That must be the nurse, already? No.
Oh Jesus, it's the fat man.
What do you want? Not to worry pal, we'll get you all fixed up.
Leave me here Nugget, I have a nurse coming over to take care of me.
Just do not take me out of this apartment.
Oh, Nugget took him for a walk.
Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for - Gustav Nedic.
- Gustav Nedic? Who the hell is Gustav Nedic? Oh this this is bad.
This is really, really bad.
Mr.
Nedic, it is an honour to meet you.
Get me the hell out of here.
Could we get a few pictures? Sure, knock yourselves out.
Just get this here.
Wait he can't move his head.
No, he's completely fried, isn't it amazing? Well, how does he paint? Paint? I help him.
- Really? - Yeah, 'cause he can't move.
So, when I move him and he directs me through a series of intricate blinking techniques.
Amazing.
Can we see it? He's look at him, he's he's knackered and he's had a long day.
A demonstration is really mandatory.
Nugget, what did you get me into? Wake up, wake up.
It must be awful not being able to move a muscle.
Blink if you want me to bathe you.
Come on, little Gustav, we're going to do some painting.
You're like a bear with that.
So, what colour would you like to use little Gustav? Can't breathe, - put me down.
- Red he blinks.
That means red.
- I am going to kill you.
What do you want? A goat.
He wants to draw a goat.
- Perfect.
- Folks, I have nothing to do with this.
I I don't want to paint, put me down, I can't breathe for Christ sake.
Good job, Gustav, it's more of a tree.
Get it out of my throat, No goats, just put me down.
Very impressionistic.
It's the war does that to people.
- Put me down, now.
- His hand hand is in the paint, but sometimes this works too right, yeah, just.
- this kind of stuff.
- Loosen your grip will you.
Don't these people see what's happening? So, there you go.
He's really experimenting with new dimensions in his work, - as you can see.
- I'm going to die.
- That's got to be worth a couple thou'? - Get out.
You didn't paint any of these, you're a fraud, I'm calling the police.
Get back here, Nugget.
This is the life.
Mamma! Peter doesn't know what he's missing.
A little lower, gentle There's one part of me that's not paralyzed.
This antidote will help speed up your recovery.
It's a new muscle stimulant.
So, there's still no sign of Nugget.
I guess he's lucky the curator decided not to press charges.
Right, Ron? When you think about it, I was only paralyzed for a few days, which is really nothing compared to the 6 weeks that you'll be in a full body cast.
Are you hungry? Now, I can't remember, does one blink mean "yes" or "no"? It's so confusing.
Well anyway, I made your favourite, a jelly bean omelette.