The Addams Family (1964) s01e09 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat, Sweet, Petite, So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Now, now, CIeopatra, chew your burgers.
Don't gulp them.
Darling, now you see what happens when you gulp? Quite enough Iunch.
Well, what do they Iook Iike? Oh, just ordinary moving men.
One's tall, one's medium.
No, darling.
I mean, the new neighbors.
Oh, I haven't seen them yet.
They have some interesting things, though.
Really? GOMEZ: There's an item you could do things with.
Oh, I do hope they're imaginative.
The real estate man said they were newlyweds.
At Ieast they're romantic.
Really? How nice.
I know just how they feel.
The joy of moving into a new house.
I'II never forget my first night in this Iovely house.
-We thought it was haunted.
-Well, you can't have everything.
I only hope they'II be half as happy.
How could they be anything else? With us right next door.
Horrible house next door.
You suppose anybody Iives in it? Honey, I didn't even know that house was there.
As I remember it, the renting agent had the shutters closed on this side.
Married by a Justice of the Peace, and no honeymoon and now I spend my wedding night in this house.
Well, it could have been worse.
You might have had to spend it in that house.
What was that? It was an explosion from that monstrosity.
I'II go over there and see what's happening.
I'II go with you.
In sickness and in health, for better, for worse, we're stuck in this thing together.
There we are now, down you go.
Mmm-hmm.
Huh? -There we are.
You see them yet? -No.
Maybe they'II see us and come over.
I still think we should just have gone over and introduced ourselves.
Oh, darling, no.
That's much too forward.
This is better.
Here they come.
Mmm.
Oh, how do you do? I'm Gomez Addams.
This is my wife, Morticia.
How do you do? Hubert Peterson.
This is my wife, Amanda.
-We were just married.
-Oh, how exciting! You do that again Never mind the small talk.
Find out what blew up.
Oh, yes.
We were just wondering about those Iittle explosions.
What explosions? Those explosions.
Oh, that must be Uncle Fester playing with his new dynamite caps.
What? He got them at the discount house.
They are not up to par.
You mean there's somebody exploding dynamite inside your house? Where else would he do it? Well, I see you're washing your pup.
Oh, good heavens.
That isn't a pup.
It's an octopus.
-You have an octopus for a pet? -Oh, no.
It's our son's pet.
-Go ahead, shake his tentacle.
-Take it away.
-Darling, dry it first.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
-There we are.
-He's really very friendly.
(WATER BUBBLING) Let's get out of here.
-Yes, well, nice meeting you both.
-Nice meeting you.
Seems Iike a nice chap.
-She's a bit odd.
-Little high-strung.
It's their wedding day, a new house.
And, Aristotle, you were very, very bashful.
Time to dry.
I had so hoped she'd be someone I could exchange recipes with.
Hubert, you never should have rented this house without Ietting me see it.
Honey, remember the fantastic deal we got.
Well, I guess I'II just have to pretend they're not there.
That's my dear, brave girl.
-What was that? -What was what? You know what.
Those sounds under the house.
-Termites? -I knew it.
The house is crumbling.
It came from over there.
Howdy.
I'm Uncle Fester, from next door.
Gosh, Hubert, he's that dynamite nut.
He'II blow us up.
I just came over to say hello.
Nail that shut.
Goodbye, Hubert.
I'II call you.
-Where are you going? -Out.
-Oh, but, honey, this is our wedding day.
-Enjoy it.
But, honey Oh, Mr.
Wentworth, thank goodness you're here.
And here's your Iease, all signed and sealed.
For a year, this happy honeymoon cottage is all yours.
Hubert, either get me another house or get yourself another wife.
Now, calm down, honey, calm down.
Perhaps Mr.
Wentworth will cancel the Iease? Oh, I'm only the rental agent.
Well, where do I find the owner? Right next door.
His name is Addams.
-What'd they hit you with, Fester? -I don't know.
I just opened up the trap door and said, "Howdy," and wham! Don't sound very friendly to me.
You must have frightened them going through Pugsley's tunnel.
Next time, Uncle Fester, knock.
-I did.
-Really? Gomez, we have ourselves some very peculiar neighbors.
Peculiar? They're a couple of nuts.
There's only one thing to do.
Get rid of them.
I can't.
I signed the Iease this morning.
I'II get rid of them.
-I'II go with you, Fester.
-Right, Mama.
I haven't used this beauty since the taxman was here.
-Fester, Mama, control yourselves.
-Yes, think of what you're doing.
You know, they're right.
We better not go over there in broad daylight.
-They're Iiable to ambush us.
-We'II wait till it's dark.
You will do no such thing.
They're our neighbors.
Excuse me, my dears.
Probably them, coming over to apologize.
We'd better go out in the backyard and practice, anyway.
Just in case.
Mr.
Wentworth, how nice to see you again.
And it's always such a Such a thrill to see you, Mrs.
Addams.
-My! That's a new dress you're wearing.
-How kind of you to notice.
GIad you dropped in, Wentworth.
Those new tenants, have they signed the Iease yet? They want to break it.
Leave that Iovely cottage? With its view of this fine old mansion? -Well, they're young, rattlebrained.
-They did seem a bit nervous.
But it's their wedding day.
-I shook, too, remember? -Yes.
Anyway, the Iease is signed, and they'II just have to Iearn to Iive with you.
It.
We'II try to make them as happy as possible.
Ah, you're real people.
Well, goodbye, Mr.
Addams.
-Wentworth.
-Mrs.
Addams.
Those poor Petersons.
What can we do for them? I think I know what their trouble is.
They are Ionely.
You may be right.
Oh, Gomez, we've been very selfish.
After all, they're newlyweds.
I should have been over there a Iong time ago.
With a pot of henbane soup, some of my dwarf's hair cobbler and marital advice.
-Let's go over right now.
-No, darling, I have a better idea.
Let's invite them over tonight for a game of bridge.
You think they'II wanna play bridge on their wedding night? Of course, it'II relax them.
You rang? Lurch, go over to the Petersons' and invite them over for bridge tonight.
And, Lurch, use the front door, not Pugsley's tunnel.
Yes, Mrs.
Addams.
-I hope they're sharp players.
-Oh, so do I.
We haven't had any real competition since the Thompsons were taken away.
You think they'II come? Oh, I'm sure they will.
Lurch is very persuasive.
You see? They've accepted.
I do hope everything goes well tonight.
How can it fail, my dear? -You're such a perfect hostess.
-Darling.
And if the bridge gets dull, you can do your animal imitations.
Do them now, Tish.
-Oh, darling.
-PIease.
Very well.
Now the bullfrog, Tish.
That bullfrog, it drives me wild.
Let's not play cards tonight, Tish.
I feel Iike honeymooning myself tonight.
Darling, you're so impetuous.
Bridge first, bullfrog Iater.
Isn't it a Iittle Iate for Uncle Fester to be playing with his dynamite caps? It's not dynamite, that was a gunshot.
Came from the playroom.
Better not miss, Fester.
Morticia hates bullet holes in her wall.
Don't worry.
I'm aiming way down Iow at the pigeon's feet.
What's going on down here? Well, if you insist on inviting those barbarians from next door over for bridge, I just want to be prepared.
Fester's very handy with that gun.
He shot a pigeon right through the eye.
It wasn't even the one I was aiming at.
Oh, Uncle Fester, I'm sure we're not going to have any trouble with that nice young couple.
Oh, no? Well, this Iittle beauty mark wasn't caused by a mosquito bite, you know.
AII this fuss over a bump on the head.
I think it's rather attractive.
That's true, Fester.
I guess anything's an improvement.
Mama will serve the refreshments.
I'II serve it to them, right over their heads.
You? The soul of graciousness and charm? Well, that's true.
Couldn't I just spill some coffee in their Iaps? Not a drop.
Well, how about a Iittle cream down their backs? Remember, you're an Addams.
Oh, you're right, dear.
AII this hostile talk, and those two poor dears are sitting over there just dying to be friendly.
-No, no, no! I'm not going over there! -Look, we've got to go.
Do you expect me to be nice to those spooks? Oh, please honey.
If we break the Iease, he'II sue us.
But But if we butter them up, they may Iet us out of the Iease.
Now, come on.
-Must I? -You must.
Well, Iove, honor is one thing, but why do they have to say obey? Well, they should be along any minute now.
Oh, I do hope the new neighbors will Iike the house.
-Do you think they will? -How can they help it? -It is nice and dismal, isn't it? -Don't be modest, my dear.
-It's absolutely bleak.
-Thank you, darling.
Oh, those roses want trimming.
Have you seen my shears, dear? Why, thank you, Thing.
Thing, you need a manicure.
Look at that.
And I did so want you to Iook nice for the new neighbors.
Who knows? They might introduce you to a nice girl, Thing.
Oh, come now.
Don't you ever Iong for something to hold hands with? Woman hater.
Very well, Thing.
Find your own friends.
My dear, I don't think there's time to start clipping roses now.
Oh? Well, perhaps you're right.
I know.
-Beautiful.
-Oh, yes.
You are so very clever.
Thank you, darling.
Uncle Fester, what are you doing there? If those neighbors start getting rough-Iike, Genevieve will put them in their right place.
Uncle Fester, I will not stand for any bloodshed in my Iiving room.
Morticia's right, Uncle Fester.
That's a brand new rug in there.
However, never fear, my dear.
Uncle Fester's aim is terrible.
-He's been practicing.
-I don't need practice.
Even with my eyes shut, I always hit something.
You can relax, Morticia.
An Addams never starts trouble.
He just gets into it.
Hubie, please, I can't go in there.
Honey, our future's at stake.
Now, you've got to go along.
-Go along.
-And say nothing.
-Say nothing.
-Be pleasant.
-Be pleasant.
-And smile.
That's it, and no matter what happens, smile.
Oh, hello, hello! Welcome, honeymooners.
Welcome, welcome.
Aren't they thoughtful, dear? Throwing rice? -That's not rice, old man.
-It's Iizards' teeth.
Lizards' teeth? In the Amazon, no wedding ceremony is complete without the traditional shower of Iizards' teeth.
-Lovely.
-Lovely.
On to the bridge table.
My, what a beautiful room.
She agrees.
How sweet of you to say so.
-Is that -Amanda.
-What an unusual decoration.
-Do you Iike it? Oh, we Iove it.
Seems to tell a story.
You're the first one to really appreciate it.
-It's yours.
-Oh, no! We insist.
Oh, I see you've noticed another Iittle treasure.
-Isn't it cute, dear? Two heads.
-Cute.
Well, you know what they always say, two heads are better than one.
Say no more.
Take it.
-I wouldn't have that thing -Amanda.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
I can see by your expression that you're fascinated by Pierre there.
Well, we'II throw him in for good measure, too.
-But, I -No buts.
Of course not.
After all, Pierre would only be Ionely with the turtle gone.
-You're so kind.
-Kind.
-Generous.
-Generous.
-Smile.
-Smile.
Don't misunderstand, Mr.
Addams.
We Iike our house very much.
Then why do you want to move out? The rent too high? -Oh, no, no.
-Be glad to Iower it.
-What would you Iike to pay? -Well, it's not that at all.
It's just that it's too far away from the supermarkets.
Oh, goodness.
You don't need any supermarkets.
I know a Iot of Iittle specialty shops.
Do you folks Iike fricassee of toad? -Amanda.
-Love it.
Good.
I'II make you up a batch.
-What What -Oh, what a wonderful idea.
Five-handed bridge.
Dear Thing.
Loves to kibitz.
Thing, say hello to the Petersons.
Nice to meet you.
-Do you mind if I smoke? -No, go right ahead.
Hubert! I just don't understand their running out that way.
We couldn't have been friendlier.
Neither could Thing.
He has such a wonderful social instinct.
Tries to make everyone feel right at home.
Maybe it's because he was kibitzing.
That makes some bridge players terribly nervous.
Oh, I don't think so, dear.
Besides, the card he threw was absolutely right.
They certainly Iiked our home.
Gomez, was it impolite of me to smoke? Querida mia, everyone smokes.
Gomez, do you think it's possible they could have been frightened by the shot? -What shot? -Uncle Fester's gun.
Oh, that.
Well, they were a bit jumpy.
Darling, of course they were jumpy.
It was their wedding day.
How could we have been so blind? -That about right, my dear? -Perfect, darling.
GOMEZ: It all goes to prove how foolish superstition can be.
Here our young friends get married on Friday the 13th, and just Iook how beautifully everything turned out.
Well, Iooking a Iittle better, isn't it? -It's the most gosh-awful -Smile, Hubert.
It's beautiful.
We knew when we saw you admiring our Iovely fish that you were people of taste.
Our kind of people.
Excuse me.
-Hubert, do you Iove me? -Of course I Iove you.
Do you really Iove me? Well, I wouldn't have married you if I didn't Iove you.
Then prove it.
Get those people and their awful things out of my house.
Honey, I can't.
We've gotta be nice to him to get out of the Iease.
I don't care about your silly Iease.
Either you get us out of this whole mess or I'm Ieaving.
I think I've got an idea.
-Well, whatever it is, try it.
-I will.
-Mr.
Addams? -Yes.
-I'd Iike to talk to you.
-Certainly.
Go right ahead.
Well, before you go to any more trouble, I think I ought to tell you the real reason we can't stay in this house.
Oh, what's that? Well, I got a wire from my company, and I'm being transferred to Hong Kong.
Say no more.
I understand and I'II take care of it.
Would you? After all, Peterson, what are neighbors for? Oh, the dear Petersons.
I do hope they're feeling better today.
They're bound to, after I tell them the good news.
Oh, here they are.
Come in, come in.
I have capital news for you, old man.
-You mean we're free to move? -Au contraire, you're free to stay.
-What? -What? I bought your company and you don't have to go to Hong Kong.
You can stay and be our neighbors forever.
Oh, the poor dears.
I guess the excitement was just too much for them.
Cigar, Thing? I forgot.
You can't smoke.
Oh, boy! Very clever play, Thing.
Darling, the oddest thing happened.
The Petersons Ieft all those Iovely things we gave them on our front Iawn.
Probably thought we were being too generous.
Perhaps.
Still, it's strange.
We haven't seen them in three days.
Darling, it's their honeymoon.
Oh, yes, of course.
I forgot.
They must be starved.
I think I'II take them over a nice casserole of yak, knock discreetly, then tiptoe away.
-What if they don't Iike yak? -Not Iike yak? Darling, you make them sound weird.
No, the king.
-What in the world brought that on? -Probably resented your helping me.
After what he did at our bridge game? Thing? Open up.
Thing! I do not Iike petulant things.
Now, was that nice? Very well, that's better.
Your play, Thing.
Beats me every time.
Forget it, darling.
Forget the Petersons.
Do the bullfrog for me, Tish.
PIease.
PIease.
Very well.
It's our turn now.
They won't see us for three days.
Bubele,