The Agatha Christie Hour (1982) s01e09 Episode Script
Jane in Search of a Job
(knock atdoor) - Good morning, Miss Northwood.
- Good morning, miss.
I said yesterday I would be coming up this morning.
Did you? Oh, yes, so you did.
- You know what it's about.
- How many guesses? I'm not a grasping woman, miss, but I can't Iive on thin air no better than nobody else can.
I know you can't, Miss Northwood.
And I'm sorry, but I simply cannot find a job.
I wade through all the "situations vacant" every morning.
And, Iook, one miserable boiled eggfor breakfast.
Oh, and I absolutely Iust after bacon and sausage and potato cakes and fried bread and Just a couple of pounds perhaps? Truth of the matter is that daughters of country vicars are simply not bought up to do anything anyone will ever pay themfor.
Oh, dear.
30 shillings, then? I've pawned just about everything of value I possess.
- A pound, then? - Ten bob, Miss Northwood? It's all I can manage at the minute.
-(knock atdoor) - Who is it? (hums) Gosh, sorry! I won't worry you any more this morning, miss.
- Perhaps today will be my Iucky day.
- I do hope so, miss,for all our sakes.
Your egg will be hardboiled if you don't watch it.
I know it's not none of my business, but have you ever thought of getting married? Of course I have, Miss Northwood.
Trouble is, all the men I Iike seem to be even poorer than I am.
I couldn't marryfor money, could I? - Or could I? -(knock atdoor) - Oh, come in, Mr Guest.
- I'm sorry I barged in Iike that.
- Good morning, Miss Northwood.
- Good morning, Mr Guest.
- How did you get on yesterday? - The usual blank.
- The pigfarm? - Not a sausage, needed investment.
The woman who advertisedfor a willing girl? - Turned out to be a man.
- Oh, whatever next?! I've been Iooking in the agony column ofTheTimes - Why were you Iooking there? - Well, because I always do.
- Oh, in the course of duty? - What do you mean? Well, wasn't I once told that crooks put messages in code in the agony column? You know the sort of thing, "Julia, always thinking of you.
Shall we meet on Valentine's Day?" Meaning, "Meet me outside the Bank of England with dynamite and blow torch.
" I'II Iearn more about that when I get to Hendon next week.
I've never had a policeman rooming here before.
- Oh, I'II only be a cadet.
- Still, it might come in useful.
No, I've got something which suits you down to the ground.
Listen.
"If a young Iady of around 25 years of age" - A good start.
- ".
.
fair hair, good complexion" - That you have, miss.
- Go on.
- ".
.
straight nose" - Straightish.
".
.
a slim figure, height around fivefeet five inches" - Sort of.
- You've certainly got a slim figure.
Oh, thanks, it's starvation.
Go on.
- Oh.
".
.
good mimic" - What on earth does that mean? It doesn't say.
".
.
able to speak French" - Oh, dear, that does it.
- I speak it rather well.
Oh, good.
"calls at 30 Endersley Square between the hours of 2:30 and 4:30pm" "She may Iearn something to her advantage.
" - Hello.
- Hello.
-(cockney accent) What a throng.
- Yes.
Do you know what it's all about? Not a clue.
But times is hard, as they say, so who cares? My name's Holly De Witt.
- Holly de? - Witt.
W-I-T-T.
What's yours? - Jane CIeveland.
- No, your professional name? AIas and alack, I have no profession.
Then what if this jamboree turns out to befor dancing girls? No getty job.
- Do you? - Do I what? Dance? If called upon.
There are other things I do better.
Like speaking French? Oh, heavens, yes.
My second Ianguage.
Just brushing up.
Oh, good.
They've been kicked out.
We can move up three.
Excuse me.
Next! (foreign accent) It is possible, mademoiselle, .
.
that you are the person for which we searchfor.
Good.
Parlezun petit peufrançais, s'ilvous plaît, mademoiselLe.
Danslevieux parc solitaire et glacé Deuxformes onttout àl'heure passé.
- Verlaine.
- Of course.
Yes, French good.
What is the job if you don't mind me asking? I cannot tell you that yet.
If you are chosen, then you will be told.
But why all the mystery? If it's something I wouldn't do, why all the catechism? Are you intelligent? Intelligent enough to be careful what I Iet myself into.
- Is it anything to do with the stage? - The stage?(Laughs) Heavensforbid! - Crime? - Oh, come now, is that Iikely? - Well, it's notfor me to say.
- Do you have discretion? Oodles of discretion and tons of intelligence.
Anything else? - Are you married? - What has that got to do with it? Will you permit me to ask the questions? - No.
- I beg your pardon? - No, I'm not married.
- Oh.
Engaged perhaps? - Not even perhaps.
- You have a mother, afather? - Yes, one of each.
- Still alive? - No.
- Then who is your next of kin? My next of kin?! Good heavens! Am I Iiable to be bumped off? Oh, no, no.
It's just an elementary precaution.
I don't see why.
I have nothing of importance to Ieave to anyone and What is thefeefor this mystery tour? 22,000.
Two?! - BIow me! - For two or three days' work.
My name is Miss Jane CIeveland.
My next of kin is a Miss Northwood, who Iives at 32a Handle Crescent, North W1 .
AIright, now I give you your instructions.
You know CIaridge's hotel? I know where it is.
I've never eaten there, worse Iuck.
You are to go there and askfor Count Streptitch.
This will ensure that the Count will see you.
The final decision Iies with him and with one other person.
I am Count Streptitch.
The good Colonel Kranin has sent you here.
Yes.
I take his word that you may possibly prove suitable.
Would you mind walking to the door, please? - Like a mannequin? - No, no, no, just naturally.
And back again.
Hmm.
Princess Anna, .
.
a moment, please.
(East European accent) She might do.
Better than the others.
I agree.
And Kranin has passed her in French.
Hmm.
Miss CIeveland, this is the Princess Anna Mikhailovna.
- Princess, Miss Jane CIeveland.
- How do you do? And now, my child, do you have courage? I don't Iike being hurt, if that's what you mean.
- No.
No, what I mean is danger.
- No, no, I don't mind danger.
And you would Iike to earn very much money? I would very much Iike to earn very much money.
Erm Shall I explain matters, Anna Mikhailovna? - No.
Her Highness wishes to do that.
- It is not wise.
Nevertheless, it is her command.
Wait here.
Her Highness? The Grand Duchess Pauline of Ostravia.
I say! Wasn't it in the paper about her coming here? A bazaar or something? That is true.
In aid of Ostravian refugees.
Your Royal Highness, allow me to present Miss Jane CIeveland.
This is splendid, Anna! Wonderful! Come, Iet us see each other side by side.
You see, it's a good match.
You are perhaps a trifle taller, Your Highness.
No, who would notice? No, no, nothing could be better.
It is settled.
Hang on, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing yet.
True, Iforgot.
I will tell her.
Leave us alone, both of you.
- But, Your - Go! And do not argue.
And order some teafor us at once.
They are tiresome, these old people.
- Now, Miss? - Oh, CIeveland, Jane CIeveland.
- Do sit down.
- Thank you.
Now tell me, do you know the history of Ostravia? Not very well, I'm afraid.
AII myfamily are dead, murdered by the rebels.
I am the Iast of my Iine, but being a woman I cannot sit on the throne.
- You'd think they would Iet me alone.
- Don't they? No.
They make my Iife a misery wherever I go, the vodka-soaked brutes.
- I see.
- I Iive in semi-retirement in Paris, but I have to go abroad to raise money for my exiled countrymen.
- Like attending bazaars? - You know about that? Yes, I read it in the paper.
That is to raise money for Ostravian refugees.
Lady Anchester is Iending me her house in Buckinghamshire.
But I don't see where I come into all this.
It is very important that I should not be assassinated in the nextfew days.
Assassinated?! Oh, you want me to Want you to what, ma chère? Er.
.
Peut-être pas devantledomestique? Oh, the domestic! What were you going to say? - You want me to take your place? - Only at Iarge public functions.
- Not in any intimacy.
- No, of course not.
- Thank you, that will be all.
-Merci, madame.
Now, to business.
Erm what happens if I get assassinated instead of you? Oh, there is a risk, but it seems more probable that they would kidnap me and demand money.
Killing me would make a martyr of me.
- Oh, I see.
- Of course, they might throw a bomb.
- Milk or Iemon? - Lemon, please.
I think we should discuss thefee, don't you? I cannot remember what Colonel Kranin suggested.
Sugar? Yes, please.
Erm 22,000.
Well, is it enough? Would you rather have 23,000? Oh, I'd rather have 23,000.
I am so glad you're business-Iike.
Me, I have no headfor money at all.
- What I want, I have to have.
- Oh, I do so agree.
That's why I'd rather have 23,000.
And then, of course, there is the danger.
You don't seem the sort of girl to mind that.
Within certain Iimits, I suppose.
You see, it is very important for my country that I should marry and have at Ieast two sons.
An heir to the throne of Ostravia is absolutely essential.
- Oh, and a spare? - A spare! (Laughs) What a quaint way of putting it.
And then, well, after that, it doesn't really matter what happens to me.
So, will you accept? OK, I accept.
Excellent! Have a cucumber sandwich.
Sighs) I have explained everything.
Miss cleveland will do as we ask.
But can we be absolutely sure she can play her part? At 23,000? I'II show you.
(mimicsPauline) Excellent, Anna.
This is wonderful.
- Let us see each other side by side.
- You see, it's a good match.
- Yes, it would deceive most people.
- Yes.
Yes, it is true.
How clever you are, I couldn't imitate anybody to save my Iife.
- Miss CIeveland is to have 23,000.
- It will be seen to, Highness.
Come, Miss CIeveland, we must go and try some of my clothes on you.
Bring your tea.
This is what I shall wear to the bazaar at Orion House the day after tomorrow.
It may not be necessary for you to take my place, but try it on just in case.
Golly! It's stunning.
It must have cost afortune.
I suppose so.
Yet I envy you.
I am never allowed to wear anything simple.
- Cheap, you mean.
- No, no, simple.
Simplicity can be the height of chic.
Perhaps one day it'II be chic to have Iadders in one's stockings.
If we do have to change places at a moment's notice, I think you should be wearing something quite different, don't you? Yes, what a clever idea.
- Perhaps a flame-red marocain.
- That would be very striking.
And of course I must Iook quite different, mustn't I? Sort of old-fashioned perhaps, spectacles or something? Excellent, excellent, but Iet us hope it will not be necessary.
There.
Oh, it's perfect! - Well - A shade too Iong on you, but I see you wear Iow heels.
Do you always? Yes, I cannot abide the high heels.
Show me the shoes you'II wearfor the bazaar.
Yes, of course.
- I Iove dressing up, don't you? - Yes.
If you were to buy the same shoes but with a higher heel, - that would even us up.
- Of course! Now you're being clever! (knock atdoor) What do you want? Can't you see we're busy? Forgive me, Your Highness, but Count Streptitch thinks that he should book rooms for Miss cleveland at the Ritz.
The Ritz? Golly! But do you think it's really necessary? - We think so.
- I agree.
We must also find the reason for you to be staying in London.
- A different name perhaps? - Exactly.
Count Streptitch suggests Mrs Smith.
There'II be enough Mrs Smiths staying.
- Mrs Jones? - Ditto.
- Mrs Mrs? - Mrs Guest.
Very well, we will call you Mrs Guest.
- From? - From New York.
- Golly! More mimicry! - And then - What are you? - Thoroughly confused.
Yes, we must find the reasonfor you to be hanging around close by.
- A photographer! - I've got it, a journalist.
Well done! An American journalist staying at the Ritz, perfect.
-(clearsthroat) - Oh.
This afternoon, Miss CIeveland, you will buy anything you need in the way of clothes and tomorrow you will move into the Ritz hotel.
- What about the wherewithal? - The, erm the wherewithal? What? Dummkopf! The money to buy the clothes! Yes, of course.
ã1 00.
- For a dress, shoes, gloves and bag.
- Exactly.
Thank you.
At the same time, I shall need an advance on myfee.
But surely, until you have done something For heaven's sake, Streptitch, give her some more of the wherewithal.
Thank you, Your Highness.
Oh, 2200 should prove sufficient.
So I beetled off to Norman Hartnell's and bought this.
I Iove red, don't you? Oh, and what about these shoes? Très slinky.
And this bag.
Oh, and what do you think of this cheeky Iittle titfer? - Yes, well, great, swell.
- Your enthusiasm overwhelms me.
Well, I'm not sure I Iike the sound of it.
My dear chap, you put me on to it.
Yes, but I didn't know it was going to get - Now you want to take me off it! - Just to be cautious.
Oh, you policemen! I can only go by what you've told me.
Did you ask to see their credentials? - Stooping to old musical-hall jokes! - No, no, I'm serious.
Why shouldn't they be genuine? It's all in the papers about the Grand Duchess of Ostravia coming here.
Is she doing anything wrong by using me as her double? - No, but I have a funnyfeeling - Come now, Mr Guest.
Policemen deal withfacts and figures, not funnyfeelings.
I'd just Iike you to Iook after yourself.
- As sure as my name is Oh, Lord! - What? We had to think of a namefor my staying at the Ritz and I said "Guest".
It was the first name that came into my head.
- Well, I'm flattered.
Miss or Mrs? - Miss! Of course.
Well, I won't hang about.
I just wanted to see how it went that's all.
- Hang on a tick.
- Well, now what? Well, I thought we'd I thought I'd celebrate.
I had some moolah Ieft over from my shopping spree, so champagne thought I! No, honestly, Ifeel I'm intruding.
Oh, nonsense! I'd be glad of some good solid English company.
- Is that a compliment? - You know what I mean.
After dealing with floods offoreigners.
I thought at any minute they'd break into TheWhiteHorselnn or Ivor Novello! Oh, here, you have a go.
There's this bazaar the Grand Duchess is going to the day after tomorrow.
- Yes, it's well advertised.
- There might be a kidnap attempt.
- You could be killed! - Oh, I've decided to take the risk.
I've told them I don't mind danger and think of all those fivers! Oh! Nigel Iook out! - Mr Guest, I mean.
- Nigel's fine.
You see, I've never dreamt of so much money in all my Iife.
- You haven't got it yet! - Oh, why are you so depressing? I'II get it when the Grand Duchess is safely out of the country.
You should Iet me Iook into it.
You could obviously be in some danger.
AII this knight:errant business is so old-fashioned! - You can Iook after yourself? - course I can.
I mean, well, I have sofar, haven't I? Fine.
Then I won't worry.
Good, swell, cheers.
Cheers.
I also went to Lyons Corner House and bought something beginning with F.
Food! - A transformation indeed.
- Do you think I'II pass? - I scarcely recognised you.
- Well, I'm quite ready.
It's onlyfair to tell you, Miss cleveland (American accent) Mrs Guest! My name is Mrs Guest and I workfor the New York Gazette.
Yes, of course, Mrs Guest.
Well, I think it onlyfair to tell you, Mrs Guest, that Iate Iast night we received information that an attempt to kidnap Her Highness will almost certainly be made this afternoon on her way back from the bazaar.
Then why don't I take her place from the beginning? Because Her Highness and Lady Anchester are old friends.
But how will I know when I'm supposed to make the switch? At the end of Her Highness's speech, you will stepforward and askfor an interview.
But how do we change clothes in the bazaar? The Princess Anna will arrange that, you may be sure.
Well, I'm ready to be kidnapped.
The address! Orion House, Little Missenden, Buckinghamshire.
- I cannot, of course, accompany you.
- No, I do see that.
I shall, naturally, be with the royal entourage.
- Of course.
- You will go to Aylesbury by train.
At the same time I think I should have an advance on myfee.
- You do owe me over 22,000.
- Certainly.
How much would you Iike? - Another 2200 perhaps? - Another ã200.
But what if the planfails to succeed? It won't.
By the way, how do I get the balance of myfee? Colonel Kranin remains in London.
He will pay you.
Marylebone station, please.
Thank you.
(Light orchestral music plays) - Isn't the Grand Duchess here yet? - Oh, I think not.
- Have those pearls been collected? - Oh, some days ago, I believe.
In safekeeping, I trust? I hear they're worth more than 21 0,000.
- 21 0,000! - There's something happening now.
(Laughter) Your Highness, may I present Lady Anchester? Your Highness, welcome to Orion House.
It is so kind of you to throw open your Iovely home for the cause which is so close to my heart.
I have always wanted to meet Your Highness.
We are both fighters in the cause of freedom.
My aide-de-camp, Count Streptitch.
- Enchantée.
- Enchanté.
The Princess Anna.
Enchantée.
And our London representative, colonel Kranin.
- Enchanté.
- Enchantée.
And now, Your Highness, allow me to escort you round the bazaar.
You will be pleased to know that sales are already brisk.
Oh, what a beautiful old house.
The pearls are already collected? I believe so.
It has been a most rewarding and gratifying afternoon.
I cannot tell you how pleased I am that you have worked so hard to alleviate the terrible plight of my countrymen and women.
I must give particular many thank yous to the 1 00 Iady friends of Ostravia, who have generously donated the gift of one pearI from their priceless necklaces, and which, I am told, will be auctioned at the end of the day.
For me, alas, I must pull myself away for I must be in Paris tomorrow morning to attend a meeting with the President.
But merci, mes chers amis, Merci.
Princess, I'm Mrs Guest from the New York Gazette.
Could I have afew words with the Grand Duchess? I remember you well from America.
So many kind things you have written about my country.
Lady Anchester, I wonder whether it would be possible, a private roomfor a couple of minutes? Why, of course.
Come with me.
Now, as they say, fire away.
You say you Ieavefor Paris this afternoon, Princess? That is so, on the night train.
AIthough I am desolate to be Ieaving England, a country that offers so much.
You must come back again very soon, Your Highness.
How kind.
Continuez.
I have so Iittle time.
- You have many engagements in Paris? - Yes.
Many meetings of the Ostravian Refugee Committees.
Yes, yes, of course.
Continuez.
Et en Angleterre,vous aveztrouvé lasympathie pourvotre pays? Mais oui, absolument.
- Et d'argent, j'espère.
- Aussi, mademoiselLe.
Cet après-midi, parexemple, beaucoup d'argent.
ÃÂa, c'est parce quetous mes amis sonttrstes quevotre beau pays est embarrassé.
(dooropens) My dear Lady Anchester, you're wanted in the tea tent.
Thank you, Princess.
Excusez-moi, Your Highness.
No, no.
I must be seen with that.
Quick, off you go! (sighs) Well, that's that.
I think I did rather nicely, don't you? You played your part with great distinction.
I had to Ieave my handbag with the Grand Duchess with all my money in it! You have no need to worry.
- We've turned off the main road! - Dear God! This must be it! Stop! Stop! Stop! Oh! - Oh! - We must keep up the pretence, so Her Highness can safely out of the country.
Out! And then put up your hands.
What is the meaning of this outrage? Get out if you know what's goodfor you, illustrious Iady! That way.
(man) Up there.
Left.
Now, my Iords, Iadies and gentlemen, we come to the piècederésistance of the afternoon.
(crowd murmurs) In this bag you'II find 1 00 exquisite pearls, some of which are the almost priceless black pearls.
1 00 pearls donated by 1 00 wonderful and compassionate Iadies.
(applause) (doorrattLes) Oh good,food.
I'm very hungry.
Still, no Iuxuryfor aristocrats.
Sighs) Will you begin, Princess, or shall I? How could I touch a thing until I know my mistress is safe? Oh.
Well, I'II tuck in if you don't mind.
I never got asfar as the tea tent and I seem to be in more danger than she is.
Phew! Not bad! (engine starts) Princess, there's something that puzzles me.
At the Ritz, I remember suggesting to Count Streptitch it might be simpler if I doubled with the Grand Duchess from the beginning of the afternoon.
He said that wouldn't be possible because the two Iadies knew each other very well.
I remember at Orion House Lady Anchester saying something about always wanting to meet her.
So they(echoes) couldn't have met before, could they? Oh, Princess, please don't cry.
Everything'II be alright.
(Laughs) I am bid 21 5,500.
ã600.
-(man) 2600?! - ã750.
21 6,000! At 21 6,000.
At 21 6,000, and I shall sell, Iadies and gentlemen.
Any advance on 21 6,000? - Yes, I'II take them.
- What is your bid? - This! -(alL gasp) No-one move or I'II shoot! - No-one move! - No-one move! (enginerunning) -(hubbub) - The Iine must have been cut.
- Go at once to the police station.
- Of course, Lady Anchester.
Speaking from 5-2.
A Mr Guest has reported a robbery at Orion House.
(Laughs) No, he's not done it, he's reported it! He's starting at Hendon next week.
Yes, that's right.
Lah-di-dah.
- Do hurry.
- Well, from what I can make out, there's a Grand Duchess what isn't a Grand Duchess, there's a girl in a red dress what isn't in a red dress, - and then there's -Whatis shewearingexactly? - What? - i said,whatis shewearing? Well, I don't know what she's wearing, in that case.
No, she's only a - A dupe.
- A dupe.
- Aduke? - No, dupe! - How do you spell it? - Her name is Jane cleveland.
- J-A - Give me the phone, please.
Let me talk to your super, please.
(chuckles) Jane?! (groans) Quick! Sergeant, there's been a hold-up at Orion House.
- Hear that? It's been reported again.
- A girl in a red dress.
The girl in the red dress again.
(groans) Nigel! What's happened? (groans) Oh! Oh, Lord! (groans) sighs) (groans) Damn and blast it! A fine policeman I'II make.
(groans) My head! Water.
Anything.
- No! It's poisoned! -(groans) My head! (sighs) I thought they'd all gone.
Who are they? Where's Princess Anna? She was part of the gang.
How did? Have I been dreaming? Afraid not.
You got pulled into a brilliant crime.
- Are youfeeling OK? - No.
Only I've got to check with the Iocal police! - You can't Ieave me! - I'II only be 1 5 minutes.
- No! - I thought you didn't mind danger.
- OK, I'm a Iiar! - You're perfectly safe.
The Ostravian Iot will be halfway to a Channel port by now.
- 1 5 minutes, then.
- I promise.
Good afternoon.
May I ask where you've come from? - Orion House.
- And going to? - London.
- We have been attending a bazaar.
- In aid of - Some refugees from - Ostravia.
- And you are? Er I am Monsieur Le Grand and this is my wife.
And I am Mr BIeustan of the Corps Diplomatique and Madame BIeustan.
- Ah, you're French! - Oui.
When you were at Orion House did you notice a young woman in a red dress? Oui.
There was a young, how do you say, journalist in a red dress and a Iittle red chapeau.
Ah.
And when did you Ieave Orion House? - Just before Qu'est-ce que c'est? - Auction? So, I believe a number of pearls have been donated? - This journalist, was she American? - Well, I would say that she was, - and yet - Yes? Something about her accent was not quite right.
(Streptitch) Of course, it is very difficultfor us to tell.
Of course.
Well, thank you very much, you've been most helpful.
A young woman, possibly American, in a And a red dress.
Merci! Drive on.
Did you get all that, Sergeant? (footsteps) (gasps) Oh, no! Well, I thought you were We're the police.
We've been instructed to take you to the Superintendent.
But I had nothing to do with it.
Sighs) The Grand Duchess Ieft this here.
Oh, hell, what am I saying? Come along, miss, everything's alright.
- May I see your credentials? - It's notfar.
The car's just outside.
(alL sing patriotic song about Ostravia) singing continues) -(horn) -(Laughter) I did as you suggested, Iad, I Iet them through, posing as Frenchmen, but your descriptions were so spot on there was no doubting who they were.
- I hope it Ieads to their arrest.
- Forces alerted down the Iine, - Nigel! - They won't get away.
Tell them! I've tried to explain.
Tell them! He's already explained, miss.
Everything's under control.
Isn't there a Grand Duchess of Ostravia? Kidnapped Iast week in Paris and Iocked up in an old Iodge in the Ardennes.
The real Count Streptitch managed to escape 48 hours Iater and raised the alarm.
Then I'm no Ionger under suspicion? No, miss! You and your boyfriend can skedaddle, though you may be needed as a witness.
- Oh, of course.
- Well done, young man.
- You should do well at Hendon College.
Thank you, sir.
Now off you go, the two of you.
And good Iuck.
Thank you.
Come on.
Hold on tight.
You were right, of course, but honestly, pinching all my money, if you hadn't Ient me your Iast five pounds, I'd never have got out of the Ritz.
- You have the red dress and the fur.
- Yes, but I can't eat them.
Hungry? Me, too.
I hope theyfeed you well at Hendon.
I was going to ask you to dinner, but But how could you have known who was who? You couldn't have been that close.
I did notice that when the so-called Grand Duchess arrived at Orion House, she had Iow heels on, but when she came out in the same outfit she had high heels on, so I smelt a rat and guessed it was you.
- Thanks very much.
- You know what I mean.
Yes, of course I do.
And I think it was frightfully clever.
I was brought up in the boot trade.
My dad's a boot king in Northampton.
Well, he always wanted me to go into the trade - and settle down, that sort of thing.
- What sort of thing? Marry and settle down, that sort of thing Oh, I see.
But I always wanted to be a policeman and settle down.
- You'II make a wonderful detective.
- Powers of observation.
But you didn't observe the man behind you with a cosh.
Absolutely correct.
Perhaps a medium-good detective.
No, that wasn'tfair.
After all, you've still got a job.
I'm back where I started.
Not necessarily.
Now, Mr Guest, how Iong do you Iike your eggs boiled? Three and a half minutes, please.
- Good morning, miss.
I said yesterday I would be coming up this morning.
Did you? Oh, yes, so you did.
- You know what it's about.
- How many guesses? I'm not a grasping woman, miss, but I can't Iive on thin air no better than nobody else can.
I know you can't, Miss Northwood.
And I'm sorry, but I simply cannot find a job.
I wade through all the "situations vacant" every morning.
And, Iook, one miserable boiled eggfor breakfast.
Oh, and I absolutely Iust after bacon and sausage and potato cakes and fried bread and Just a couple of pounds perhaps? Truth of the matter is that daughters of country vicars are simply not bought up to do anything anyone will ever pay themfor.
Oh, dear.
30 shillings, then? I've pawned just about everything of value I possess.
- A pound, then? - Ten bob, Miss Northwood? It's all I can manage at the minute.
-(knock atdoor) - Who is it? (hums) Gosh, sorry! I won't worry you any more this morning, miss.
- Perhaps today will be my Iucky day.
- I do hope so, miss,for all our sakes.
Your egg will be hardboiled if you don't watch it.
I know it's not none of my business, but have you ever thought of getting married? Of course I have, Miss Northwood.
Trouble is, all the men I Iike seem to be even poorer than I am.
I couldn't marryfor money, could I? - Or could I? -(knock atdoor) - Oh, come in, Mr Guest.
- I'm sorry I barged in Iike that.
- Good morning, Miss Northwood.
- Good morning, Mr Guest.
- How did you get on yesterday? - The usual blank.
- The pigfarm? - Not a sausage, needed investment.
The woman who advertisedfor a willing girl? - Turned out to be a man.
- Oh, whatever next?! I've been Iooking in the agony column ofTheTimes - Why were you Iooking there? - Well, because I always do.
- Oh, in the course of duty? - What do you mean? Well, wasn't I once told that crooks put messages in code in the agony column? You know the sort of thing, "Julia, always thinking of you.
Shall we meet on Valentine's Day?" Meaning, "Meet me outside the Bank of England with dynamite and blow torch.
" I'II Iearn more about that when I get to Hendon next week.
I've never had a policeman rooming here before.
- Oh, I'II only be a cadet.
- Still, it might come in useful.
No, I've got something which suits you down to the ground.
Listen.
"If a young Iady of around 25 years of age" - A good start.
- ".
.
fair hair, good complexion" - That you have, miss.
- Go on.
- ".
.
straight nose" - Straightish.
".
.
a slim figure, height around fivefeet five inches" - Sort of.
- You've certainly got a slim figure.
Oh, thanks, it's starvation.
Go on.
- Oh.
".
.
good mimic" - What on earth does that mean? It doesn't say.
".
.
able to speak French" - Oh, dear, that does it.
- I speak it rather well.
Oh, good.
"calls at 30 Endersley Square between the hours of 2:30 and 4:30pm" "She may Iearn something to her advantage.
" - Hello.
- Hello.
-(cockney accent) What a throng.
- Yes.
Do you know what it's all about? Not a clue.
But times is hard, as they say, so who cares? My name's Holly De Witt.
- Holly de? - Witt.
W-I-T-T.
What's yours? - Jane CIeveland.
- No, your professional name? AIas and alack, I have no profession.
Then what if this jamboree turns out to befor dancing girls? No getty job.
- Do you? - Do I what? Dance? If called upon.
There are other things I do better.
Like speaking French? Oh, heavens, yes.
My second Ianguage.
Just brushing up.
Oh, good.
They've been kicked out.
We can move up three.
Excuse me.
Next! (foreign accent) It is possible, mademoiselle, .
.
that you are the person for which we searchfor.
Good.
Parlezun petit peufrançais, s'ilvous plaît, mademoiselLe.
Danslevieux parc solitaire et glacé Deuxformes onttout àl'heure passé.
- Verlaine.
- Of course.
Yes, French good.
What is the job if you don't mind me asking? I cannot tell you that yet.
If you are chosen, then you will be told.
But why all the mystery? If it's something I wouldn't do, why all the catechism? Are you intelligent? Intelligent enough to be careful what I Iet myself into.
- Is it anything to do with the stage? - The stage?(Laughs) Heavensforbid! - Crime? - Oh, come now, is that Iikely? - Well, it's notfor me to say.
- Do you have discretion? Oodles of discretion and tons of intelligence.
Anything else? - Are you married? - What has that got to do with it? Will you permit me to ask the questions? - No.
- I beg your pardon? - No, I'm not married.
- Oh.
Engaged perhaps? - Not even perhaps.
- You have a mother, afather? - Yes, one of each.
- Still alive? - No.
- Then who is your next of kin? My next of kin?! Good heavens! Am I Iiable to be bumped off? Oh, no, no.
It's just an elementary precaution.
I don't see why.
I have nothing of importance to Ieave to anyone and What is thefeefor this mystery tour? 22,000.
Two?! - BIow me! - For two or three days' work.
My name is Miss Jane CIeveland.
My next of kin is a Miss Northwood, who Iives at 32a Handle Crescent, North W1 .
AIright, now I give you your instructions.
You know CIaridge's hotel? I know where it is.
I've never eaten there, worse Iuck.
You are to go there and askfor Count Streptitch.
This will ensure that the Count will see you.
The final decision Iies with him and with one other person.
I am Count Streptitch.
The good Colonel Kranin has sent you here.
Yes.
I take his word that you may possibly prove suitable.
Would you mind walking to the door, please? - Like a mannequin? - No, no, no, just naturally.
And back again.
Hmm.
Princess Anna, .
.
a moment, please.
(East European accent) She might do.
Better than the others.
I agree.
And Kranin has passed her in French.
Hmm.
Miss CIeveland, this is the Princess Anna Mikhailovna.
- Princess, Miss Jane CIeveland.
- How do you do? And now, my child, do you have courage? I don't Iike being hurt, if that's what you mean.
- No.
No, what I mean is danger.
- No, no, I don't mind danger.
And you would Iike to earn very much money? I would very much Iike to earn very much money.
Erm Shall I explain matters, Anna Mikhailovna? - No.
Her Highness wishes to do that.
- It is not wise.
Nevertheless, it is her command.
Wait here.
Her Highness? The Grand Duchess Pauline of Ostravia.
I say! Wasn't it in the paper about her coming here? A bazaar or something? That is true.
In aid of Ostravian refugees.
Your Royal Highness, allow me to present Miss Jane CIeveland.
This is splendid, Anna! Wonderful! Come, Iet us see each other side by side.
You see, it's a good match.
You are perhaps a trifle taller, Your Highness.
No, who would notice? No, no, nothing could be better.
It is settled.
Hang on, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing yet.
True, Iforgot.
I will tell her.
Leave us alone, both of you.
- But, Your - Go! And do not argue.
And order some teafor us at once.
They are tiresome, these old people.
- Now, Miss? - Oh, CIeveland, Jane CIeveland.
- Do sit down.
- Thank you.
Now tell me, do you know the history of Ostravia? Not very well, I'm afraid.
AII myfamily are dead, murdered by the rebels.
I am the Iast of my Iine, but being a woman I cannot sit on the throne.
- You'd think they would Iet me alone.
- Don't they? No.
They make my Iife a misery wherever I go, the vodka-soaked brutes.
- I see.
- I Iive in semi-retirement in Paris, but I have to go abroad to raise money for my exiled countrymen.
- Like attending bazaars? - You know about that? Yes, I read it in the paper.
That is to raise money for Ostravian refugees.
Lady Anchester is Iending me her house in Buckinghamshire.
But I don't see where I come into all this.
It is very important that I should not be assassinated in the nextfew days.
Assassinated?! Oh, you want me to Want you to what, ma chère? Er.
.
Peut-être pas devantledomestique? Oh, the domestic! What were you going to say? - You want me to take your place? - Only at Iarge public functions.
- Not in any intimacy.
- No, of course not.
- Thank you, that will be all.
-Merci, madame.
Now, to business.
Erm what happens if I get assassinated instead of you? Oh, there is a risk, but it seems more probable that they would kidnap me and demand money.
Killing me would make a martyr of me.
- Oh, I see.
- Of course, they might throw a bomb.
- Milk or Iemon? - Lemon, please.
I think we should discuss thefee, don't you? I cannot remember what Colonel Kranin suggested.
Sugar? Yes, please.
Erm 22,000.
Well, is it enough? Would you rather have 23,000? Oh, I'd rather have 23,000.
I am so glad you're business-Iike.
Me, I have no headfor money at all.
- What I want, I have to have.
- Oh, I do so agree.
That's why I'd rather have 23,000.
And then, of course, there is the danger.
You don't seem the sort of girl to mind that.
Within certain Iimits, I suppose.
You see, it is very important for my country that I should marry and have at Ieast two sons.
An heir to the throne of Ostravia is absolutely essential.
- Oh, and a spare? - A spare! (Laughs) What a quaint way of putting it.
And then, well, after that, it doesn't really matter what happens to me.
So, will you accept? OK, I accept.
Excellent! Have a cucumber sandwich.
Sighs) I have explained everything.
Miss cleveland will do as we ask.
But can we be absolutely sure she can play her part? At 23,000? I'II show you.
(mimicsPauline) Excellent, Anna.
This is wonderful.
- Let us see each other side by side.
- You see, it's a good match.
- Yes, it would deceive most people.
- Yes.
Yes, it is true.
How clever you are, I couldn't imitate anybody to save my Iife.
- Miss CIeveland is to have 23,000.
- It will be seen to, Highness.
Come, Miss CIeveland, we must go and try some of my clothes on you.
Bring your tea.
This is what I shall wear to the bazaar at Orion House the day after tomorrow.
It may not be necessary for you to take my place, but try it on just in case.
Golly! It's stunning.
It must have cost afortune.
I suppose so.
Yet I envy you.
I am never allowed to wear anything simple.
- Cheap, you mean.
- No, no, simple.
Simplicity can be the height of chic.
Perhaps one day it'II be chic to have Iadders in one's stockings.
If we do have to change places at a moment's notice, I think you should be wearing something quite different, don't you? Yes, what a clever idea.
- Perhaps a flame-red marocain.
- That would be very striking.
And of course I must Iook quite different, mustn't I? Sort of old-fashioned perhaps, spectacles or something? Excellent, excellent, but Iet us hope it will not be necessary.
There.
Oh, it's perfect! - Well - A shade too Iong on you, but I see you wear Iow heels.
Do you always? Yes, I cannot abide the high heels.
Show me the shoes you'II wearfor the bazaar.
Yes, of course.
- I Iove dressing up, don't you? - Yes.
If you were to buy the same shoes but with a higher heel, - that would even us up.
- Of course! Now you're being clever! (knock atdoor) What do you want? Can't you see we're busy? Forgive me, Your Highness, but Count Streptitch thinks that he should book rooms for Miss cleveland at the Ritz.
The Ritz? Golly! But do you think it's really necessary? - We think so.
- I agree.
We must also find the reason for you to be staying in London.
- A different name perhaps? - Exactly.
Count Streptitch suggests Mrs Smith.
There'II be enough Mrs Smiths staying.
- Mrs Jones? - Ditto.
- Mrs Mrs? - Mrs Guest.
Very well, we will call you Mrs Guest.
- From? - From New York.
- Golly! More mimicry! - And then - What are you? - Thoroughly confused.
Yes, we must find the reasonfor you to be hanging around close by.
- A photographer! - I've got it, a journalist.
Well done! An American journalist staying at the Ritz, perfect.
-(clearsthroat) - Oh.
This afternoon, Miss CIeveland, you will buy anything you need in the way of clothes and tomorrow you will move into the Ritz hotel.
- What about the wherewithal? - The, erm the wherewithal? What? Dummkopf! The money to buy the clothes! Yes, of course.
ã1 00.
- For a dress, shoes, gloves and bag.
- Exactly.
Thank you.
At the same time, I shall need an advance on myfee.
But surely, until you have done something For heaven's sake, Streptitch, give her some more of the wherewithal.
Thank you, Your Highness.
Oh, 2200 should prove sufficient.
So I beetled off to Norman Hartnell's and bought this.
I Iove red, don't you? Oh, and what about these shoes? Très slinky.
And this bag.
Oh, and what do you think of this cheeky Iittle titfer? - Yes, well, great, swell.
- Your enthusiasm overwhelms me.
Well, I'm not sure I Iike the sound of it.
My dear chap, you put me on to it.
Yes, but I didn't know it was going to get - Now you want to take me off it! - Just to be cautious.
Oh, you policemen! I can only go by what you've told me.
Did you ask to see their credentials? - Stooping to old musical-hall jokes! - No, no, I'm serious.
Why shouldn't they be genuine? It's all in the papers about the Grand Duchess of Ostravia coming here.
Is she doing anything wrong by using me as her double? - No, but I have a funnyfeeling - Come now, Mr Guest.
Policemen deal withfacts and figures, not funnyfeelings.
I'd just Iike you to Iook after yourself.
- As sure as my name is Oh, Lord! - What? We had to think of a namefor my staying at the Ritz and I said "Guest".
It was the first name that came into my head.
- Well, I'm flattered.
Miss or Mrs? - Miss! Of course.
Well, I won't hang about.
I just wanted to see how it went that's all.
- Hang on a tick.
- Well, now what? Well, I thought we'd I thought I'd celebrate.
I had some moolah Ieft over from my shopping spree, so champagne thought I! No, honestly, Ifeel I'm intruding.
Oh, nonsense! I'd be glad of some good solid English company.
- Is that a compliment? - You know what I mean.
After dealing with floods offoreigners.
I thought at any minute they'd break into TheWhiteHorselnn or Ivor Novello! Oh, here, you have a go.
There's this bazaar the Grand Duchess is going to the day after tomorrow.
- Yes, it's well advertised.
- There might be a kidnap attempt.
- You could be killed! - Oh, I've decided to take the risk.
I've told them I don't mind danger and think of all those fivers! Oh! Nigel Iook out! - Mr Guest, I mean.
- Nigel's fine.
You see, I've never dreamt of so much money in all my Iife.
- You haven't got it yet! - Oh, why are you so depressing? I'II get it when the Grand Duchess is safely out of the country.
You should Iet me Iook into it.
You could obviously be in some danger.
AII this knight:errant business is so old-fashioned! - You can Iook after yourself? - course I can.
I mean, well, I have sofar, haven't I? Fine.
Then I won't worry.
Good, swell, cheers.
Cheers.
I also went to Lyons Corner House and bought something beginning with F.
Food! - A transformation indeed.
- Do you think I'II pass? - I scarcely recognised you.
- Well, I'm quite ready.
It's onlyfair to tell you, Miss cleveland (American accent) Mrs Guest! My name is Mrs Guest and I workfor the New York Gazette.
Yes, of course, Mrs Guest.
Well, I think it onlyfair to tell you, Mrs Guest, that Iate Iast night we received information that an attempt to kidnap Her Highness will almost certainly be made this afternoon on her way back from the bazaar.
Then why don't I take her place from the beginning? Because Her Highness and Lady Anchester are old friends.
But how will I know when I'm supposed to make the switch? At the end of Her Highness's speech, you will stepforward and askfor an interview.
But how do we change clothes in the bazaar? The Princess Anna will arrange that, you may be sure.
Well, I'm ready to be kidnapped.
The address! Orion House, Little Missenden, Buckinghamshire.
- I cannot, of course, accompany you.
- No, I do see that.
I shall, naturally, be with the royal entourage.
- Of course.
- You will go to Aylesbury by train.
At the same time I think I should have an advance on myfee.
- You do owe me over 22,000.
- Certainly.
How much would you Iike? - Another 2200 perhaps? - Another ã200.
But what if the planfails to succeed? It won't.
By the way, how do I get the balance of myfee? Colonel Kranin remains in London.
He will pay you.
Marylebone station, please.
Thank you.
(Light orchestral music plays) - Isn't the Grand Duchess here yet? - Oh, I think not.
- Have those pearls been collected? - Oh, some days ago, I believe.
In safekeeping, I trust? I hear they're worth more than 21 0,000.
- 21 0,000! - There's something happening now.
(Laughter) Your Highness, may I present Lady Anchester? Your Highness, welcome to Orion House.
It is so kind of you to throw open your Iovely home for the cause which is so close to my heart.
I have always wanted to meet Your Highness.
We are both fighters in the cause of freedom.
My aide-de-camp, Count Streptitch.
- Enchantée.
- Enchanté.
The Princess Anna.
Enchantée.
And our London representative, colonel Kranin.
- Enchanté.
- Enchantée.
And now, Your Highness, allow me to escort you round the bazaar.
You will be pleased to know that sales are already brisk.
Oh, what a beautiful old house.
The pearls are already collected? I believe so.
It has been a most rewarding and gratifying afternoon.
I cannot tell you how pleased I am that you have worked so hard to alleviate the terrible plight of my countrymen and women.
I must give particular many thank yous to the 1 00 Iady friends of Ostravia, who have generously donated the gift of one pearI from their priceless necklaces, and which, I am told, will be auctioned at the end of the day.
For me, alas, I must pull myself away for I must be in Paris tomorrow morning to attend a meeting with the President.
But merci, mes chers amis, Merci.
Princess, I'm Mrs Guest from the New York Gazette.
Could I have afew words with the Grand Duchess? I remember you well from America.
So many kind things you have written about my country.
Lady Anchester, I wonder whether it would be possible, a private roomfor a couple of minutes? Why, of course.
Come with me.
Now, as they say, fire away.
You say you Ieavefor Paris this afternoon, Princess? That is so, on the night train.
AIthough I am desolate to be Ieaving England, a country that offers so much.
You must come back again very soon, Your Highness.
How kind.
Continuez.
I have so Iittle time.
- You have many engagements in Paris? - Yes.
Many meetings of the Ostravian Refugee Committees.
Yes, yes, of course.
Continuez.
Et en Angleterre,vous aveztrouvé lasympathie pourvotre pays? Mais oui, absolument.
- Et d'argent, j'espère.
- Aussi, mademoiselLe.
Cet après-midi, parexemple, beaucoup d'argent.
ÃÂa, c'est parce quetous mes amis sonttrstes quevotre beau pays est embarrassé.
(dooropens) My dear Lady Anchester, you're wanted in the tea tent.
Thank you, Princess.
Excusez-moi, Your Highness.
No, no.
I must be seen with that.
Quick, off you go! (sighs) Well, that's that.
I think I did rather nicely, don't you? You played your part with great distinction.
I had to Ieave my handbag with the Grand Duchess with all my money in it! You have no need to worry.
- We've turned off the main road! - Dear God! This must be it! Stop! Stop! Stop! Oh! - Oh! - We must keep up the pretence, so Her Highness can safely out of the country.
Out! And then put up your hands.
What is the meaning of this outrage? Get out if you know what's goodfor you, illustrious Iady! That way.
(man) Up there.
Left.
Now, my Iords, Iadies and gentlemen, we come to the piècederésistance of the afternoon.
(crowd murmurs) In this bag you'II find 1 00 exquisite pearls, some of which are the almost priceless black pearls.
1 00 pearls donated by 1 00 wonderful and compassionate Iadies.
(applause) (doorrattLes) Oh good,food.
I'm very hungry.
Still, no Iuxuryfor aristocrats.
Sighs) Will you begin, Princess, or shall I? How could I touch a thing until I know my mistress is safe? Oh.
Well, I'II tuck in if you don't mind.
I never got asfar as the tea tent and I seem to be in more danger than she is.
Phew! Not bad! (engine starts) Princess, there's something that puzzles me.
At the Ritz, I remember suggesting to Count Streptitch it might be simpler if I doubled with the Grand Duchess from the beginning of the afternoon.
He said that wouldn't be possible because the two Iadies knew each other very well.
I remember at Orion House Lady Anchester saying something about always wanting to meet her.
So they(echoes) couldn't have met before, could they? Oh, Princess, please don't cry.
Everything'II be alright.
(Laughs) I am bid 21 5,500.
ã600.
-(man) 2600?! - ã750.
21 6,000! At 21 6,000.
At 21 6,000, and I shall sell, Iadies and gentlemen.
Any advance on 21 6,000? - Yes, I'II take them.
- What is your bid? - This! -(alL gasp) No-one move or I'II shoot! - No-one move! - No-one move! (enginerunning) -(hubbub) - The Iine must have been cut.
- Go at once to the police station.
- Of course, Lady Anchester.
Speaking from 5-2.
A Mr Guest has reported a robbery at Orion House.
(Laughs) No, he's not done it, he's reported it! He's starting at Hendon next week.
Yes, that's right.
Lah-di-dah.
- Do hurry.
- Well, from what I can make out, there's a Grand Duchess what isn't a Grand Duchess, there's a girl in a red dress what isn't in a red dress, - and then there's -Whatis shewearingexactly? - What? - i said,whatis shewearing? Well, I don't know what she's wearing, in that case.
No, she's only a - A dupe.
- A dupe.
- Aduke? - No, dupe! - How do you spell it? - Her name is Jane cleveland.
- J-A - Give me the phone, please.
Let me talk to your super, please.
(chuckles) Jane?! (groans) Quick! Sergeant, there's been a hold-up at Orion House.
- Hear that? It's been reported again.
- A girl in a red dress.
The girl in the red dress again.
(groans) Nigel! What's happened? (groans) Oh! Oh, Lord! (groans) sighs) (groans) Damn and blast it! A fine policeman I'II make.
(groans) My head! Water.
Anything.
- No! It's poisoned! -(groans) My head! (sighs) I thought they'd all gone.
Who are they? Where's Princess Anna? She was part of the gang.
How did? Have I been dreaming? Afraid not.
You got pulled into a brilliant crime.
- Are youfeeling OK? - No.
Only I've got to check with the Iocal police! - You can't Ieave me! - I'II only be 1 5 minutes.
- No! - I thought you didn't mind danger.
- OK, I'm a Iiar! - You're perfectly safe.
The Ostravian Iot will be halfway to a Channel port by now.
- 1 5 minutes, then.
- I promise.
Good afternoon.
May I ask where you've come from? - Orion House.
- And going to? - London.
- We have been attending a bazaar.
- In aid of - Some refugees from - Ostravia.
- And you are? Er I am Monsieur Le Grand and this is my wife.
And I am Mr BIeustan of the Corps Diplomatique and Madame BIeustan.
- Ah, you're French! - Oui.
When you were at Orion House did you notice a young woman in a red dress? Oui.
There was a young, how do you say, journalist in a red dress and a Iittle red chapeau.
Ah.
And when did you Ieave Orion House? - Just before Qu'est-ce que c'est? - Auction? So, I believe a number of pearls have been donated? - This journalist, was she American? - Well, I would say that she was, - and yet - Yes? Something about her accent was not quite right.
(Streptitch) Of course, it is very difficultfor us to tell.
Of course.
Well, thank you very much, you've been most helpful.
A young woman, possibly American, in a And a red dress.
Merci! Drive on.
Did you get all that, Sergeant? (footsteps) (gasps) Oh, no! Well, I thought you were We're the police.
We've been instructed to take you to the Superintendent.
But I had nothing to do with it.
Sighs) The Grand Duchess Ieft this here.
Oh, hell, what am I saying? Come along, miss, everything's alright.
- May I see your credentials? - It's notfar.
The car's just outside.
(alL sing patriotic song about Ostravia) singing continues) -(horn) -(Laughter) I did as you suggested, Iad, I Iet them through, posing as Frenchmen, but your descriptions were so spot on there was no doubting who they were.
- I hope it Ieads to their arrest.
- Forces alerted down the Iine, - Nigel! - They won't get away.
Tell them! I've tried to explain.
Tell them! He's already explained, miss.
Everything's under control.
Isn't there a Grand Duchess of Ostravia? Kidnapped Iast week in Paris and Iocked up in an old Iodge in the Ardennes.
The real Count Streptitch managed to escape 48 hours Iater and raised the alarm.
Then I'm no Ionger under suspicion? No, miss! You and your boyfriend can skedaddle, though you may be needed as a witness.
- Oh, of course.
- Well done, young man.
- You should do well at Hendon College.
Thank you, sir.
Now off you go, the two of you.
And good Iuck.
Thank you.
Come on.
Hold on tight.
You were right, of course, but honestly, pinching all my money, if you hadn't Ient me your Iast five pounds, I'd never have got out of the Ritz.
- You have the red dress and the fur.
- Yes, but I can't eat them.
Hungry? Me, too.
I hope theyfeed you well at Hendon.
I was going to ask you to dinner, but But how could you have known who was who? You couldn't have been that close.
I did notice that when the so-called Grand Duchess arrived at Orion House, she had Iow heels on, but when she came out in the same outfit she had high heels on, so I smelt a rat and guessed it was you.
- Thanks very much.
- You know what I mean.
Yes, of course I do.
And I think it was frightfully clever.
I was brought up in the boot trade.
My dad's a boot king in Northampton.
Well, he always wanted me to go into the trade - and settle down, that sort of thing.
- What sort of thing? Marry and settle down, that sort of thing Oh, I see.
But I always wanted to be a policeman and settle down.
- You'II make a wonderful detective.
- Powers of observation.
But you didn't observe the man behind you with a cosh.
Absolutely correct.
Perhaps a medium-good detective.
No, that wasn'tfair.
After all, you've still got a job.
I'm back where I started.
Not necessarily.
Now, Mr Guest, how Iong do you Iike your eggs boiled? Three and a half minutes, please.