The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s01e09 Episode Script

Don't go.
I love you being around.
Who is the man that just went into Gaia's room? Gaia's boyfriend.
The weirdest thing about that drug was how even though you totally out of it, you can't move a muscle your brain still see's everything going on around.
Odin.
That's pretty heavy duty.
Odin meets Frigg badaboom, powers all around.
And I most definitively would share the love with anyone who helped me.
She's right.
Working for you is as bad as any god.
And this is how you all feel, is it? - I can give you Frigg.
- Bullshit.
No crap.
Straight up.
Which is why I need you to swear we will be equals in the new order.
I'm here about your daughter.
What about her? I think she's rather special.
Yes, she is.
Yes? Fuck.
Halleluiah! My sources tell me he's a bit shy for a god.
So you take control.
Keep things moving in the right direction.
What direction is that? The one that says: "What will be, will be.
" - I hate this shirt.
- The shirt's fine.
It's you thats the problem, you don't match it.
She's not gonna want me because you bought me a new shirt.
Axl, if you gonna pull this off you need everything you got going for you and then some.
Don't I have destiny going for me? It's weird, you know? That my whole life apparently revolves around this night with this guy I don't even know.
Thats kind of fucked up.
You're a goddess, Eva.
So you have a path.
You can fight it, or you can embrace it.
- Whats this? - To pay for dinner, dimwit.
The PIN is 6969.
- Classy.
- Easy to remember when pissed.
Oh, and if for some reason that gets declined, try this one.
Same PIN.
So how do you think it will happen? Well, after dinner you kiss her then after some more kissing the boy god put his penis into the girl gods vagina.
You do get this is a pressures situatuion for me, right? So, any words of advise would be good.
Good advice, not shit advise.
Okay.
One Listen.
Women, and I'm presuming goddesses love it when guys listen.
Even when we're not.
Two tonight is all about her.
Three, don't drink too much 'cause you don't want miss the floppy in the house when the time comes.
And four, don't get cought in a box (unclear) - I'll stick with one and two.
- See? You're all over it already.
- What's this? - It's my apartment.
It's yours for the night, bro.
'Cause no way you bring her back to this shitheep.
Now, there's chocolate, champagne, the shit ladys like, plus there's some stuff in the bedside drawer, if she's into more adventurous Okay, enough.
At the end of the day Eva treat it like any other date.
Go out there, have fun - go with the flow.
- I'm coming too.
No, Stacey, you're not.
I am Fulla, handmaiden of Frigg.
I go where she goes.
Stacey, I kind of need to do this on my own.
Hey, Hi.
You're good to go, eh? Yeah, good thing, Zeb.
Sweet.
Big date, is it? Just diner.
Cool.
Have a good time.
Yeah, tah.
You too, with whatever it is, you you know, doing? Me and Jake we're off to the movies.
Excellent.
Do I know this one? No but I think you will.
The Almighty Johnsons - S01E09 VO made by Arzt for Timings from Okay, this is fucking weird.
Just the two of us in here.
My brother booked the whole private room, so we can be alone.
Why? So you can ravish me on the big table if you want? So we can talk without anyone listening.
Right.
- Godie stuff.
- Yeah.
You like steak a lot, don't you? Did you think Frigg would be all about rabbit food? - No.
- Good.
I hate it when people judge me, that's all.
I wasn't judging you.
I'm not a judging kind of guy.
Kind of god, don't you mean? You mean we will suddenly be 600 feet tall with bushy beards? I don't know, I just wonna know what will actually happen when we get our powers back.
Well, I imagine we will be more powerful.
Yay.
Cheer up! Dawn is insufferable of happyness as it is now.
- Really? - Imagine how (unclear) it will be, when you lay your full god powers on her.
She'll orgasm at the thought of Hod's staff of power.
I've always wondered what it would be like making love to Ty.
When you're (unclear), naked skin on skin does she notice you run a few degrees colder? She thinks I have body issues and I don't like anyone seeing me naked.
And thats working for you, is it? She sort of likes that I'm excentric.
But when you're inside her what does your cock feel like to her? Believe it or not, condoms help.
- Okay, you lost me there.
- Good.
But the longer you and her go at it do you heat up or cool down more? We tend not to go at it for too long, at any given time.
And that's okay with her? Yes, because we do it several times a night, actually.
But what about those nights where you both spent and you fall asleep still inside her? Jesus, grandpa.
We can't do that for obvious reasons, so I have a system.
Dawn believes I have some kind of circulatory affliction which means I feel the cold really really badly so I need to rug up appropriately.
Good night.
Good night.
So she thinks you're mental and have a weird disease? Okay, so it's not an ideal basis for a relationship.
It would be so much easier if I just could tell her the truth.
No, you can't do that.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Rule number one, never bring a mortal in on god business.
I thought we were waiting for news on Axl not picking on Ty.
Are you a prick like my father? I don't know.
Hope not.
Doesn't it come with the territory when you're a god? Not with me.
And i don't know anything about your father.
Well, let me clear you in.
For starters he let me think that I was insane rather than tell me who I really am.
Does that sound like any father you know? I've never met my father.
He shot through when I was a baby.
Oh, I didn't know.
From the sounds of it most godfathers are like yours.
So maybe I'm better of not knowing him.
Whoever he is, I bet he wouldn't be a patch on Colin Gundersen the fucking psychotic mental case.
I can't believe he didn't tell you you're a goddess.
I mean, the way I feel somedays if I didn't know why i felt like I do, because of all the god stuff All I can say is, it's it's amazing you are you.
Which is what? Relatively normal, from what I can tell so far.
That's the nicest thing anyone said to me in a long time.
- You're not meant to be here.
- We waited, nothing happened.
So is she She's not, is she? So you thougt you just nick the stuff I so kindly gave to you? Which you gave to me, so it's mine.
- How did you screw it up, Axl? - I didn't.
Thanks for dinner.
And thanks for listening.
Sorry I kind of went on a bit.
It's okay.
- Your old man sounds like a total tool.
- He is.
- I'll give you a call.
- Yeah, night.
Night.
I forked out a fortune for therapy and not even a pash? - Hey, her old man's a basterd.
- And our mother's a tree.
- We all got problems, Axl.
- I feel sorry for her.
- That's all - Then do something about it.
Claim her.
Become Odin and teach her dad the prick any lesson you like.
I can do that, can I? And? And nothing.
Gaia's in her room with Jacob.
We're the last thing on her mind.
So? So I feel sorry for her.
And angry about the way she's been treated.
Cool.
Were there lighting bolts? - Why would there be lightning bolts? - When you got angry.
No, no lightning bolts.
Okay.
I'm new at this god stuff.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How was your date? Okay.
That's good.
Bathroom.
I like waking up beside you.
I like waking up beside you.
And I've been thinking I've got some leave owing.
A lot of leave owing.
Actually everytime I try to take the leave is always some emergency - Anders needs me to stay for.
- So you got some leave owing.
And I was thinking How would you like to take some of that leave with me? We could go somewhere.
- Sure, that sounds great.
- Yay.
We should go somewhere warm.
Warm? Like an island.
Where we wouldn't need all this.
- Sure, that sounds great.
- Okay.
I'll pick up some brochures today.
Okay.
Excellent.
Who the hell are you? My name is Axl Johnson.
I'm looking for Colin Gundersen.
How do you know that this is his house? I googled him and there was a picture of this house.
Why would he want to speak to (unclear) of Axl Johnson? It's about his daughter.
Never heard of the man.
Yes, you have.
It's you.
Asshole.
Hello.
Excuse me, hello.
Hello! You're Colin Gundersen, right? Why does Axl Johnson want to speak to me? I want to tell you to be nicer to your daughter.
Eva.
- I only have one daughter.
- Yeah, well then you should be way nicer to her than you are now.
- Is that so? - Yeah, I reckon.
Well thank you for sharing it, Axl Johnson.
Good parenting advise is worth it's weight in gold Especially when it comes from a young man who knows nothing what it takes to be a parent.
That's the sort of advice you live for.
Look I know you're a god.
Is that so? So you need to know that I'm Odin.
- He's returned.
- Yup, he's me.
It's not really that impressive when it's you who's saying it.
But I'm Odin, so when I tell you that you have to stop treating your daughter, who is Frigg, like shit, you need to do as I say, don't you? What are you doing? Calling the new Chief of the Aserer the respect I feel he deserves.
Watch out? What the fuck? Stop that! As Odin I order you to stop that! You're mental! You did break into the man's house.
He tried to set fire to me! - And you don't know who her dad is? - His name is Colin.
Which god Oh, no.
She doesn't talk to him so she never asked.
- Olaf? - On the evidence I go with Loki.
Who is Loki? God of fire.
Yeah I was thinking it's a sort of basterd (unclear) wheels, but with the fire it definitely makes sense.
So is Loki good or bad? He tried to set fire to you, Axl.
What do you think? - You don't have to vacuum.
- The thing is I do have to.
I fucking hate vacuuming and I don't have a fucking choice, do I? I don't know, do you? I'm your handmaiden, so no I don't.
Just F.
Y.
I.
- But I don't need a handmaiden.
- Thanks, now I feel really wanted.
I didn't mean that.
You being an awesome handmaiden, but You've already got a job and everything.
Yeah, I'll fit in the handmaidening around it.
I'll get it.
Is Eva here? Who wants to know? If you're here to tell me I'm a goddess and not insane too late.
This guy is your prick father? What a nice Bit Pull bitch you got.
- Yeah, and I bite.
- Yes, I bet you do.
What do you want? I don't care if your boyfriend is Odin.
Don't send him around for the hard word on me.
- He's not my boyfriend.
- Next time send Scary Spice.
- I would have way more fun with her.
- Is it okay if I hit him? He's not worth it, believe me.
Fucking idiot.
Check it out! That's a big hunk of meat you got there, Zeb.
That's what all the ladys say.
- My gift to your birthday party.
- How did you afford that? - Connections in the food industrie.
- You flip burgers.
The burger star ist actually meat, and this was a total steal.
I don't want to know.
Once my secret marinade recipe works his magic on this baby Okay, that toilet is as clean as it's ever gonna be.
That was very brave of you.
Some might say (unclear).
Anything else I can do? No, I think we're good.
Thanks for volunteering.
Why are you suddenly such a big suck-up? I just want things to be good for Gaia's birthday, okay? What's wrong with that? I knocked, but no one answered.
I need to talk to you.
Sure.
Everyone, this is Eva.
Eva, my flatmates, Zeb and Gaia.
- Hi.
- Hi there! Hello.
A filet.
Overrated.
Don't you dare fighting my fights for me.
I wasn't! Okay, I kind of was, but only 'couse you're not.
I had my father where I wanted him, far away from me.
Thanks to you he's back in my life.
Pardon me, but from what I heard last night he still (unclear) in your life messing with your head.
I think that sucks.
I don't care if he is Loki.
He messes with you, he messes with me.
Who's Loki? Your dad, it's his god name.
So, what's Loki do? I think he's god of wankers.
That would be about right.
You're Odin, I'm Frigg, right? And everyone keeps telling me we're ment to be together.
We're like this super power couple.
More powerful than Loki? Maybe.
So you think Loki will be really fucked off if it happended, if we got married.
I guess he would.
Then let's get married! Look I don't know what you think is going to happen between you and me but I'm telling you now, it isn't happening without a wedding.
So you can piss your old man off? - I'm the goddess of marriage, Axl! - Yeah, people keep telling me that.
Then that's how it works.
What's stopping you? Nothing, I guess.
Okay.
Then we're good? Can I at least get to ask you? Feels more godly that way.
What ever you want.
Frigg will you marry me? Yes, Odin, I will.
Hi.
Hello again.
We just have to pop out for a bit.
To go tell my dad we're engaged.
Awesome.
Tah.
Wow.
Congratulations.
Tah.
- What if he sets fire to us? - Then we will set fire to him.
You're kidding, right? I thought you vowed you never set foot in this house again.
Thought you like to know that we're getting married.
which means that we will rule you.
Is this the will of Odin? Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Loki.
Well, good luck mate, you need it.
Come on, forget him.
Let's go.
Didn't you love it? The way it kicked him in the balls? - I thought he took it pretty well.
- Trust me, he was hurting bad.
So, what are we thinking for the wedding, and the - the union? - A little bit early, Anders.
A simple ceremony, not in a church.
A few friends, invited family definitely not my father.
Then we'll do the after sooner than later.
You are so the goddess of marriage.
And the the rest? The god stuff? I guess that will come afterwards.
To the new world order! To Odin and Frigg and the now and future best friends.
You know I have this image of us celebrating this moment in my bed.
What are we doing in your bed? Everything.
- And by everyting you mean - Anything you want.
But my wants might be rather extreme.
That's what I'm hoping! Anyway you want, sport After the wedding.
Are you making me wet? What can I say? I'm a love goddess.
Weddings get me in the mood.
Right now I have a hard-on for you like you wouldn't believe.
As tempting as it is you still gonna have to wait.
No, I mean, I haven't had to work to get laid in years.
I've forgotten what it is to anticipate, and I like it.
But not for too long.
Afterwards, tiger.
Hi! Hi! Where's Eva? At her place.
Shouldn't you be celebrating the good news together? It worked out better if we went to our own places.
So, will Eva be living here after the wedding or will you be moving out? I don't know.
It's all kind of sudden.
You know, Axl, you don't have to marry girls these days just because they're pregnant.
She's not pregnant.
So you've fallen madly in love with her in the space of what a day? We're getting married, Gaia, a ceremony and everything.
You can bring Jacob along.
Is it just me or do all pacific islands look the same? Yes, but that's not a bad thing.
You pick, I'm happy.
Are you sure? They all look warm to me.
So we won't need to pack your sleeping bag? You think I'm weird, don't you? No.
I think you're you.
I am the way I am, Dawn.
That's a fact of life.
And going to a tropical island isn't going to change that.
Don't get me wrong.
I do want to go to a tropical island with you.
I really really do.
But if this is part of some life changing plan for me it won't work.
I am what I am.
I'm a nutbar and that's it.
- I don't think you're a nutbar.
- Yeah, you do.
Okay maybe just a little bit.
But in a weird way I guess that's one of the things I love about you.
Your weird kind of goes hand in hand with my weird.
Which is why I think we work so well together.
And if I want to change you, it's it's because of how sad I see you are sometimes and I don't like that because it makes me sad, too.
I'm not sad.
Sometimes you are.
Okay, sometimes I am, but not now.
Not here.
Not with you.
Inside very happy.
Really? Seriously, all good.
Then I don't care if you sleep in a sleeping bag or up a palm tree, or covered in mango juice as long as you're sleeping with me.
Covered in mango juice.
We can try when we're on holiday.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I love you.
And I love you.
Can I help you? You have a humble hall.
Not at all what I expected to Ydalir.
It's a nice house.
It's got good bones.
It's hardly a dwelling fit for a lord of the Aesir like Ullr.
You are Ullr, right? According to my research, you are.
- Who are you? - Think of me as the messenger so please don't shoot me.
You're Michael Johnson, legal guardian of Axl Johnson, right? Axl is old enough to look after himself these days.
Colin Gundersen.
My daughter is marrying your brother.
You're Eva's father - And you're Loki.
- But don't hold that against me.
This is yours.
The contract.
Sorry, what contract? The marriage contract.
My card's in there so call me when you're good to sign.
Oh, no! No.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
Dawn, anytime you want to tear yourself away from your boyfriend and all the multiple orgasms I'm sure he's giving you, and come to work, that'd be good.
Thank you.
Intriguing.
I like the way they look like trees - dancing trees.
- Oh, for fucks sake! You and grandma never sign anything like this? We were never, what you call, married.
She didn't need a licence to cut off my balls.
So basically we don't know what the hell it is, what we ment to sign.
No, but I know someone who might be able to help us.
Who? A friend of mine.
Who can read runes? Maybe.
She's real clued up on shit like - this.
- When you say "shit like this", you mean god stuff, right? Stuff, for example, only an oracle might know.
An oracle who knows what she's doing as opposed to you.
- That's a wounding thing for you to say.
- You're seeing her, are you? - Who? - The other oracle.
The weird one from Whangamomona? Ingrid's a lovely lady and we enjoy spending time together.
- I'm teaching her to surf.
- But she's the enemy! Yes, on paper.
Look, do you want to know what it says or not? Hi.
I just about killed her, Mike.
When I woke up When I woke up she was all blue.
Shit.
She was frozen, Mike.
Where are you now? At the hospital I'll be right there.
- Got to go.
- Why? I just do.
- So we'll deal with this, shall we? - Without doing anything stupid would be good.
I don't think he has faith in us.
I love the way they look like dancing trees.
Yes.
So in god world oracle is synonymous with useless.
- Can you read it? - Would we be here if I could? Well, then you can't exactly cast the first stone, can you? But there are times I want to.
I do, as it happens, know someone who definitely can read this.
- Awesome.
- But you need to leave it with me.
- Why can't we take it to them? - 'Cause she doesn't like gods.
- She's a goddess.
- Oh yes, a powerful goddess.
- That's cool.
- No, it's not.
It's not cool at all.
This is Frigg and Odin's wedding licence, or something, the thing they're trying to stop.
- Things have moved on.
- Moved on when? There's an acceptance, I feel, it's since Odin and Frigg have met, that the union is inevitable, unless Odin dies sudden.
- I thought we were over - We are.
I'm just saying.
I vote we give Ingrid the thing so she can check it out.
Since when did we vote on stuff? - Since A, I really trust Ingrid.
- Thank you, Olaf.
And B we have no other way of finding out.
Fair point.
How is she? They bring her temperature back up to normal.
Her normal, not mine.
They worry she might have brain damage.
Ty how much do they actually know? Did you use the same excuse? I told them that I found her in my ice carving room that she must have gone sleep walking.
Good, mate.
No, not good.
This is way worse way, way worse! - It's okay, mate.
- Don't touch me! I do not want to kill you too.
Why on earth should I translate this? Give me one good reason.
It's going to happen whether you like it or not, Agnetha.
Then they can sign the bloody thing without reading it, can't they? I've got into a lot of trouble in the past if i haven't read They found each other.
So now we either get on Odin's good side, or risk his wrath later on.
Odin's wrath? I'm shaking in my boots.
We're all on board.
You should be too.
Are you? All on board? I believe in destiny and love.
Excuse me when I puke.
You? I go where she goes.
Such a follower.
But how do you feel, being the object of a contract? Depends.
Do I have to sign it? If you want to marry Odin, you do.
Then I'd like to know what it says.
Hand it over.
Well, the first sections defines the partys involved the joining of two familys in an unbreakable union.
You okay so far? Sure.
It then specifys the Best translates as dowry.
You being traded like cattle.
It's my father.
I expect nothing less.
Bla, bla, bla.
Oh, then we get to the practical bit who brings what to the wedding feast, the meat, the hering, the Christ knows where you gonna find a hunch of elk in New Zealand.
I can get a good cut of venison.
And then there's stuff about the god gilde.
- The what, what? - The god gilde.
The ceremony where the gods gather to sanctify the upcoming union and get pissed.
Then there's a bit at the bottom where the happy couple and their celestial guardian sign on the dotted line.
And that's it? That's it.
And in goes secret ingredient X.
It's not really a secret if you tell everyone, Zeb.
Our secret.
I'm good with secrets.
If you say so.
- Hi.
Is Axl here? - In his room.
I never really got a chance to say congratulations on the wedding.
Thanks.
So it's a god marriage licence? I guess.
What do you want to do? Well, we have kind of told everyone that we're getting married, so that means we have to sign something.
That's what I tought.
Are you sure? Are you sure? Actually yeah, I am.
I mean, I haven't been sure about a lot lately but this seems like something much bigger than the both of us.
I know.
So I'm as sure as I'll ever be.
So we sign? Do we sign it now? Apparently there's a ceremony.
Let me guess.
It's in the forest? What did Axl want? Nothing important.
Did you tell him about Dawn? He sends his love.
Did you tell him what a hero Ty was? No, he wasn't.
Nonsense! If you hadn't woken and found her it doesn't need thinking about.
You need to put a lock on that door in case it happens again.
The weird thing is, I I remember dreaming of the angel you carved, at the bar where we had our first drink.
That must have been why I walked in there to see the angel.
Well, we just might need to tie her to the bed from now on.
Who knows? It might be fun.
Why is it so cold in this room? Don't they realize, there's a women suffering from hypothermia in here? I'll do something about it.
She's okay, Ty.
She'll be right.
Yeah.
It'll all be good.
I'll call you afterwards we can talk.
- Come on, you have to let me come.
- You can't be there, Zeb.
- I have to be there.
I'm Robin.
- What? You're Batman, I'm Robin.
You can't do cool god ceremony stuff without Robin.
- Batman and Robin weren't gods.
- Which makes this even better? You need me there to watch your back in case something goes wrong.
Nothing's gonna get wrong.
And you're not allowed to be there.
And we shouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.
But we already did have the conversation, didn't we? Which means, I'm in, Axl.
I'm part of your other life, whether you like it or not.
I'll hide.
No one will see me.
I'll watch and learn, Axl.
I need to be there to learn about your world for when you need my help.
But bring a jacket.
It can get cold in the forest, Robin.
Yes! To the Batmobile! - Excellent timing.
- I'd love to help, can't stop.
Here, let me.
Tah.
Come on, we'll be late.
Late for what? Just a thing.
We'll be back in time for the party.
Ah, okay.
- Really sorry I can't stay and help.
- It's okay.
Make sure Eva comes, will you? Yeah, I'll check.
- Nice of you to show up for your own thing.
- Sorry.
Come on, the others went this way.
- Is Ty not coming? - He's got other thing on his mind.
Has he tried to sort things out with Dawn? - Not funny, Anders.
- She'll be fine.
She's much tougher than she looks.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ing.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Well, I believe this is us today.
This is Var.
Goddess of oaths and agreements.
She also works for my firm.
So, if anybody needs a good contract lawyer Did you bring your stones? We form the circle together.
One family's stone, then the other's and so on, and so on to symbolize the joining our two clans.
Maybe we should take this some place else.
The way to the heart of a woman is through her ear for they are easily swayed by pretty words - as they are by pretty juwels.
- Oh, for fucks sake! So, to ensure the purity of this act of marriage we join our familys in an oath that shall never be broken.
I'm here for my daughter.
Who speaks for this god? Guess that's me.
- Poet, you're good with words? - Well, I haven't actually prepared anything Turn around.
Hi there.
- Sorry, what? - Stay still.
Now hold very on right there.
With the blood of the goddess of oaths this bond is sealed.
Ullr? Hey, this isn't going through to my jacket, is it? Daughter? Lord Odin? Sorry.
Lawyer slut.
And that is all.
I see you all back at my place on the appointed day for the god guild.
I'll have a copy of this contract couriered to you.
So, we're having this party tonight.
Oh, I have a gig.
Oh, okay.
But maybe after? - Yeah, text me.
- I will.
I have to go, see Ty, but you and I need to have a little chat about the rules of being a god.
Don't know what you mean.
Yeah, you do.
- Okay, that was freaking awesome.
- Get in the boot.
And that god chick cut her tit like - (unclear) - Get in the boot.
They're gone, I can ride with you.
Boot.
Sorry you weren't there.
I do not go to anything that involves being in a forest.
It's going well.
You care to celebrate? You do as you need, Loki.
I'll sit by your fire, warming my bones.
1001 Movies you must see before you die.
Cool, thanks.
I got it ages ago after we watched that french film you really liked.
And then you started going on about all the films you wanted to see.
It's lovely, Axl.
Not sure about the "before you die" though.
Anyway, happy 22nd birthday.
It's a nothing birthday, compared to a 21st.
21st's are deeply overrated.
Is Jacob coming? He had to go, see a client some rich guy he's assigning a place for, down country somewhere.
I'm sorry.
Is Eva coming? No, she's got a gig.
You should go to that.
No, I should be here.
Oh my god VO by Arzt for