The Ben Stiller Show (1992) s01e09 Episode Script

Hello.
How you doing? I'm Ben Stiller.
Welcome to the show.
It's 95 degrees, it's the middle of winter I'm in California, I'm wearing a jacket.
I'm a walking contradiction.
I don't know what's going on.
Garry Shandling's gonna be here.
It'll be lots of fun.
Why don't you watch this now? It's time for Hair Styling with Bruce.
Today's guest is Gary Coleman.
Gary, you got a great head of hair.
You know that? That was the thing I noticed on Diff'rent Strokes.
- Thanks.
- No, I mean it.
I got tapes of all the shows.
It was interesting.
Willis' hair, it got a lot bigger in the second season, you know? - Really? - Your hair, it seemed to get smaller.
What was that all about? That was the best thing about Diff'rent Strokes is watching your hair in that show.
- Interesting.
Hey, mind if I take a piece of your hair? - Yes.
- All right.
You know It's no problem.
Really, it's okay.
So this is some crazy weather we're having, huh? Yeah, this is crazy weather we're having.
In the tradition of Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula comes another re-envisioned horror classic.
No, no.
You can't teach hieroglyphics, you know.
- Either you know it or you don't.
- Gabe, you're too critical.
You want everyone to be Aleister Crowley or Nostradamus.
No, that's crazy.
I hope I can talk them out of doing that human sacrifice.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm sorry we're late.
You look wonderful.
Your hair! They're doing something to that moat on 80th.
They're always working on it.
Frank and I have an announcement to make.
What? You don't want me to do this now? - No, it's no big deal.
- Frank and I are splitting up.
- You're what? - What happened? - Did something happen? - It's fine.
You know, when Frank and Judy split up, I was you know, I was shocked.
L - We were devastated.
I said to him, "Frank, what are you thinking? - She was made for you.
" - Literally.
So are you two getting along? It's wonderful.
She's a wonderful girl, you know.
She wraps me up, you know puts me to sleep, and I take a nap for 1000 years.
We're very happy.
- Rain.
- Professor Ramses, hi.
- Hi.
- Is something wrong with my assignment? Oh, no.
It was wonderful.
It was great.
It was one of the most horrifying curses I've ever read.
- Oh, am I blushing? - No.
'Cause your approbation means so much to me.
I haven't been that frightened since I saw the colorized version of Casablanca.
- You know.
- Stop it.
I mean, it's nothing compared to your work.
That line you had about: "Blood is thicker than water only it goes down a lot smoother.
" I think that's brilliant.
- My knees were knocking.
- But I mean, you: "And your skin will crawl with insects.
And your brain will boil and consume you.
And you'll drown in your own blood.
" - I mean, it's just incredible.
- I'm touched.
I know I have no right to ask this, but do you think I could read the curse you're working on now? - It's very rough at the moment.
You know, it's more of a hex.
It's not so much terrifying as it is insulting.
I met a great woman.
She's fun, she's energetic.
Want to know the best part? I scare the hell out of her.
You seem calmer.
She's got me drinking these teas.
I didn't realize, but I was unbalanced.
My fluids were unbalanced, and she's got me drinking herbal teas.
It's crazy, wacky stuff, but it works.
I love Judy, but this is what I needed.
Hey, Gabe, listen, I want you to meet Christine.
Nice to meet you.
- She's really turning my life around.
- No, you don't.
He's on this vegan diet.
Look, honey, it's time for your fiber shake.
- Bye.
- Yeah.
- For this you broke up with Judy? - What, she's wonderful, isn't she? - She's great.
She's young.
We have fun.
- How old is she, then, 25? - Yeah.
- You're 150, Frank.
She likes discos.
You get frightened if someone lights a match in the room.
- She's not even one of us.
She's alive.
- Exactly.
She's alive, vibrant.
She holds on to my bolts when we do it.
It's great.
Your IQ took a nosedive right down to your shoes there.
I'm so sick of listening to your mortal junk.
Get in the car.
- Why? - Get in the car.
Why do I always have to do what you say? Because you're Frankenstein? Get in the car! And for the last time, I'm not Frankenstein.
I'm Frankenstein's monster! Now get in the car! No! Help! There's a monster trying to kill me! You infant! Come on.
Get in the car.
Oh, great! This is just great.
Hey, you got it all wrong.
Just give me some space here.
Would you calm down? Would you just calm down? You're getting me very angry here.
No.
No, wait.
Wait.
I didn't What the hell am I doing? I miss Judy.
- What brought you two back together? - I'd have to say, you know it was the whole townspeople thing.
I'm there ripping this guy's head off and I'm thinking, you know, I got this great woman waiting for me.
What am I doing? Frank, you're starting to screw up.
Do you mind if I light a torch and wave it at you? Yes, I mind.
What are you doing? Don't start with that.
Yes.
You want to die? So, what about the whole sexual thing? - It's - Unresolved.
It's, you know, when two people are When you have two bodies that are sewn together there are gonna be certain pieces - You make compromises.
- All pieces don't fit sometimes.
You know what the funny thing is? It works.
- You figure out a way to make it work.
- Absolutely.
You know, life is painful.
You hurt people, and, you know, people hurt you.
And the worst part of it is, you live forever.
Is this interview over? I've got to get back to the tomb.
There's been a series of grave robberies, and I'm worried about my stuff.
One of the great things about doing this show is, we go and shoot on location.
Due to the immense popularity of The Ben Stiller Show it's difficult for us to get out without being hounded by lots of people as you can see.
It kind of becomes difficult.
No privacy anymore.
What we did was, we hired a security guard, Alex who's here to make sure nothing goes wrong and we can do our job smoothly.
Wait a minute.
I know you.
- You're "the Man.
" - No, no.
You here to break somebody's spirit? Smash the marketplace! - No, Janeane.
- Another scam perpetrated by the Man.
- He's just a paid security guard.
- He's here to ruin our show and censor us.
You in cahoots with the FCC? She's just had a lot of caffeine.
She hangs out in coffeehouses a lot.
She's one of those hipsters who hangs out in coffeehouses.
- I'm not walking anymore.
I'm out.
- All right.
It's me and Alex.
If you get mobbed, you're on your own.
Alex, watch my back.
The Ben Stiller Show.
Yeah.
Shooting The Ben Stiller Show.
It's time to work it out on Club Fredrick.
Welcome to Club Fredrick's One Minute Work It On Out 2-3-4.
I'm here to tell you that working it on out and giving it all you got, 6-7-8, is for young and old alike.
Here to prove it is the unflappable goddess of fitness, Endora.
Watch it, you're liable to give a man a permanent injury, 2-3-4.
Also joining us at the other end of the species is an ordinary guy like you folks at home, only much older.
Let's say hello to Hymie Kirshbaum.
Look at old Hymie.
He needs a time ship to the beginning of the century.
Until we find him one, we're gonna to work him on out, 2-3-4.
Over to the Club Fredrick stair-stepper.
That's right.
Get on up there, Hymie.
- I don't feel so hot.
- No excuses, Hymie.
We're gonna climb that Aztec pyramid.
We're climbing up because we're high priests.
We gotta make a sacrifice, 2-3-4.
And we're gonna rip out a virgin's heart, 2-3-4.
And rip and rip, let's rip that virgin's heart.
- How you doing there, Hymie? - I don't think I can go on.
No stopping now, Hymie.
We're marching through Europe.
That's right, we got our jackboots on, and we're heading for exercise conquest.
And blitz and krieg and blitz and krieg.
And blitz and krieg and blitz Endora, help me out.
Here's an exercise for home.
Take a fist, put it in your hand and pound.
Breathe for me, Hymie.
Breathe, 2-3-4.
- Breathe! - Oh, no.
He's gone.
Gone It looks like Hymie's not gonna be working it on out anymore because Hymie's Well, Hymie's dead, 2-3-4.
That's right.
But don't worry, he'll be reincarnated.
Coming back on the Serengeti Plain as a cheetah or a lion where he'll be hungry and proud, and he'll work it on out.
That's all the time we got this week on Club Fredrick's Work It On Out.
Till then, this is Fredrick saying, I hope I have insurance, 2-3-4.
Let's get rid of the body, 6-7-8.
Come on, come on.
Someone call an ambulance and get him out of here.
And here and here, let's lose the body now.
Hi.
Welcome back to the show.
We're waiting for Garry Shandling to show up.
- Hey, Garry.
How you doing? - Hey, Ben.
Good to see you, have a seat.
This is great.
- Garry Shandling's here.
Very exciting.
- You've tricked me.
- I've tricked you? - You've tricked me.
You didn't tell me the cameras would be here.
This isn't right.
You just said that we were gonna you just said we were gonna have lunch.
I didn't know you'd trick me to be on your show.
What, am I going to be on one of those segments between the sketches? The weakest part of the show? Is that what it'll be? Yes, it is.
Would you? Do you mind? - Well, all right.
- Good.
Good.
Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Garry Shandling.
- It's really great to have you here, Garry.
- My pleasure.
The credibility of the show goes through the roof.
We haven't been able to get anybody on the show.
It's fine, I'm happy to be here.
Really, because guests have just turned us down.
You say Ben Stiller Show, they slam the door to have someone like you It's fantastic.
- Everybody's turned it down? - Not everybody.
We've had guests.
- We've had good guests.
- So, what are you saying? I'm saying nobody of your caliber.
Other people I'm the only guy who would do the show, is what you're saying.
Well, I mean, come on.
Let's face it.
Would you want to do the show if I hadn't come down and invited you to lunch? Who else has done it? Todd Bridges, Adam West.
Casey Kasem.
Casey Kasem, you know.
- What's he like? - He's okay.
He seems like a nice guy when he says, "green lights" and whatever.
- "Keep your feet on the floor.
" - Seems like he's talking to me.
He cares.
- He did Scooby-Doo.
He did the voice.
- I gotta make a call.
- Why don't we just go to a film, okay? - You don't know which film, do you? No, I don't.
We shoot them a lot later.
Backtrack.
Backtrack a second here.
I happen to know that Mr.
De Niro is a very big fan of Corey Feldman's.
No, that's Haim! They're very different.
Start with the hairstyle Hello? - So, Alex.
- Yes, Michael? I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about the great things in your career.
I was tossing and turning.
I was Jerry Lee-whatever in the bed.
- Like what? - How about the football comeback? I'm little too old for football, Michael.
Tell that to George Foreman.
People love elderly sports figures, freaks them out.
Do a whole Bo Jackson thing.
Not only football, but hockey and lacrosse.
It'll be great.
Jennifer, get me Nike.
We'll do cross training.
Michael, I'd appreciate it if you'd concentrate on my acting.
I have been.
I just got off the phone three seconds ago with Emmanuel Lewis.
- He wants to work with you again.
- He's a nice little man, but I'd like to broaden myself a bit.
You know, go on with my career.
So does he.
He's burned out on Michael Jackson.
He wants you.
The Defiant Ones.
You and him, the sitcom.
No Don't even Don't.
Let it sit.
- Michael - It's ridiculous.
I know it's ridiculous.
That's what I told him.
The guy's been riding your coattails for years.
You've done the little guy.
Let's do a big guy.
Hey, huh? Let's do it.
You and Manute Bol.
Odd Couple.
Sloppy or tidy? What do you think? I think tidy.
I shouldn't have even asked.
I look at you, and I see you're cleanly.
Michael, do you have any idea what my goals are in this business? You know, Alex, I have to answer that question with another question.
Which is: Merlin Olsen sells flowers, what does Alex Karras sell? - Nothing.
- Wrong.
Balloons.
You're the new spokesman for Phone-a-Balloon.
"Hello? I need 25 Mylar for my cousin Ray's wedding in Winnemucca can you get them there by tomorrow?" Yes, we can.
Why? Because people trust Alex Karras, okay? Besides, they last twice as long as flowers, and they float.
This is ridiculous, Michael.
You understand what I'm saying? You've given me bad advice, Michael.
This is not good for me.
You've demeaned my name.
I don't like it, Michael.
You know what I think you need? I think you need an up-up-and-away bouquet.
Alex, you are gonna make so much money.
- How much? - People won't be able to look at you without thinking of helium.
Might not be a bad idea.
It's your career.
It's time once again for John O'Donohue's Cop Stories True tales of New York's finest.
It was 3 p.
m.
My partner and I were positioned in front of the Olympic Savings Bank.
We'd gotten a tip that there was going to be a major heist at exactly 3:15 by a splinter group of the Jamaican posse.
This is the same group that attempted to blow up the president's motorcade so we were ready for anything.
Suddenly I realized I'm supposed to be in traffic court so I slammed the pedal to the metal, and I'm there in 10 minutes.
I burst through the door, this punk's telling the judge that he stopped at the stop sign.
I said, "Hey, you didn't stop you were rolling.
What am I, an idiot? I don't know the difference between stopping and rolling? You were rolling.
" Then he says, "You were just trying to meet your quota.
" I says, "I already met my quota, you jerk.
Think I wake up in the morning thinking I'm gonna give Gerald Friedman a ticket for no reason? Like I give two cents about your life, you dirtbag.
" Tune in again for another gripping adventure.
I'm pretty sure he was rolling.
Hey, if the badge says you're rolling, you're rolling.
On John O'Donohue's Cop Stories.
Tales of action from the boys in blue.
Welcome back.
We're really excited 'cause Garry Shandling is here.
I hope you don't mind, but I invited the entire cast to see you because this is a big thing for us, to meet someone of your stature.
Yeah, celebrity.
I love it! How many times was he on The Tonight Show? - Hundreds.
- I've never met anyone who was on Make Me Laugh before.
- He probably makes millions.
- Garry's right here, guys.
You can just direct your - He's so tall.
- You can tell he's strong.
- Internally and externally.
- He's gotta work out.
And drink carrot juice or something.
Okay, okay, guys.
Garry, do you have anything you want to say? The Larry Sanders Show on HBO.
Check your local listings.
Who's using who, buddy boy? What was that supposed to mean? I don't know, but the voice was just beautiful.
He is brilliant! Why don't we just go to another film that has yet to be determined? - Garry? - It was like a code.
What a day, man.
First we kick Dartmouth's butt in ultimate Frisbee and then we chill at the Museum of Natural History for a little culture.
Going to college sure makes you glad to be an American, don't it? Oh, yeah! Look at this.
"With his razor-sharp claws and 7-inch teeth the 10-ton allosaurus was truly king of the jungle.
" I bet if he was alive today, he'd tear us to bits.
Yeah, but he's not alive, are you, Mr.
King of the Jungle? You are dead! That's right because along came something called the warm-blooded mammal and guess what? You got your butt kicked! Homo sapiens are number one! Check this out.
"Thousands of years ago, the New Guinean people prayed to their god Quetzalcoatl for victory in war.
" - Fat lot of good it did them.
- I don't see any New Guineans.
I have no respect for you.
None! What are you going to do, mighty Quetzalcoatl? Strike me down? I don't think so! Oh, hello there.
In my culture, we celebrate the traditions of our forefathers.
What do you do in your culture? I'm sorry, you don't have a culture anymore.
Because you got your butt kicked! I'm a big Northeastern grizzly bear.
I eat meat, and I could rip you apart.
So sorry you're almost extinct! You had to learn the hard way that when you mess with Homo sapiens you get your butt kicked! - Dead! - Gone! - Wasted! - Extinct! - Conquered! - Eaten! - Out of here! - Bye-bye! Crushed! Species Homo sapiens.
How they amuse me! Oh, hello there, funny creatures.
You are my favorite exhibit.
You have been watching Bad Twist Ending Theater.
Tune in next week for the dream that really happened.
It was all a dream.
I wasn't taken into the woods and kidnapped by monsters.
Oh, no, no! And now an important message from the Fox Network fox, Foxy Fox.
Hey, kids.
Be cool, stay in school and watch Fox all night.
Where's the bathroom? - Okay, that's about it - I don't have to meet the cast again, do I? No.
They went away for good.
Thanks for doing the show, Garry.
- My pleasure.
- You really helped the show a lot.
Think I helped this show as much as this hurt my career? If you really hurt your career as much as you helped the show you don't have anything to worry about.
- That's a slam, isn't it? - No, no, it isn't.
That's a slam.
You're just slamming me now.
There's no lunch, never was gonna be a lunch and now you're slamming me.
- Look, if you don't - I'm gonna go try and pick up the pieces.
If you didn't want to do the show, you should've said, "I'm not hungry.
" - Well, I'll know for next time.
- Do me a favor? Do you have Bob Saget's phone number? Yes.
Yes, I do.
I didn't mean that in a Gar? Garry, you don't gotta get okay.
All right, well he's got a little bit of a temper, I guess, doesn't he? Hey, Garry, I love your show.
As soon as I get hooked up for cable I'm gonna catch it again.
Saw it at a friend's house once.
He's up here, you're down here.
You're up here.
Maybe one day you're up, he's down there, you know? Somebody has the key, but we don't know who.
The key is love.
I didn't realize how unhappy I was, because I thought I was so happy.
Now that I'm unhappy, I'm much happier about myself.
I'm working out with her.
She's into that fitness thing, which is very new to me.
I feel like I'm 78 again.
You know? Rolling.