The Big C (2010) s01e09 Episode Script

Previously on The Big C I've decided to go to the Bahamas to a friend's art opening.
- I want to go.
- Really? For my birthday, that's what I want to do.
- Surprise! - Surprise! - Hello.
- Lenny! Hi.
You haven't been happy for 20 years? Is that what I said? That's basically the entire time you've known me.
How you doing? Nice to see you.
Fuck you.
Suck my dick.
It's me.
I'm coming with you.
Slowly Slowly back up and stop.
Stop! Stop.
You didn't do the one-two-three.
Do you know how many children are run over every year because people don't do their one-two-threes? They're called "mirrors," Mom.
Dad's in two.
- What are you doing? - Mom's teaching me how to drive.
What the hell? He's 14.
He can't even get his permit for a year.
I'm not allowing him to drive, I'm teaching him how to drive.
I just thought we'd get it over with, and I wanted to be the one to teach him.
- You never use your turn signals.
- I know.
I'm a real mess, huh? Okay, you teach him how to drive, I'll teach him how to run off to the Bahamas.
Oh, wait! Maybe you should teach him that, too.
Guys, this isn't fun for me.
Sorry, Adam.
Sorry, buddy.
Can we please be civil in front of him? I don't know how to talk to you any more without blowing up.
I just came to get a suit to wear to a dinner celebrating my promotion.
You got the promotion? Paul! Congratulations, that's huge.
Congratulations.
Do you want Do you need me to go? What, so you can suck all the joy out of that moment for me, too? Look, see.
I can't be nice.
This sucks.
Sorry for the nonmedical language.
If they're only gonna pay for 70% of my scans, then I'm thinking maybe I should only pay 70% of my premiums.
Or we're gonna have to save the scans for fancy occasions.
You can't be passing those out like mints.
Insurance industry works great if you never actually get sick.
Well, that ship has sailed.
Have we heard anything from that clinical trial? I mean, those babies are free, right? They are, yeah, and I'll let you know as soon as I hear.
So when are you proposing to her? How did you How did you know? There's an engagement ring on your laptop.
So either you've just removed it from someone's colon, or you're popping the question.
Or you're popping the question with a ring from someone's colon, but let's hope not.
I've been thinking about asking Julie.
You know, it's time.
- "Time"? - We've been together five years.
- What? - No, I'm sorry.
It just No, it just sounds odd.
You know, I just I picture this egg timer going off while the two of you are folding laundry.
You suddenly getting on your knee going, "Honey, it's time.
" Well, doesn't sound very romantic when you say that.
You know what is romantic? The Bahamas.
- Is that where you and Paul went? - It's where I went.
- Little birthday treat for myself.
- He didn't want to come? - We're separated.
- Seriously? So fucking typical.
Things get rough, the guy bails.
How can he sleep at night knowing he's leaving you when you're going through this? - It's complicated.
- No, it's not.
Loving someone through sickness and in health? Not complicated.
Julie's so gonna say yes.
Is there anything better than chewable vitamins? It's like they took everything that's good in sugar and fruit punch and chalk and turned it into these miracle little pills.
I found these on the floor after class.
Now, I am no drug expert, but I know my cartoon pills and these babies look more like they would ruin your complexion and cost your parents a fortune in bail money.
Anybody want to claim these? Anybody? - Andrea, do you know anything about these? - No, but text me if you find my crack pipe.
I'm jonesing like a motherfucker.
I'm not accusing you of anything.
Then what are you asking me about drugs for? Don't you know that racial profiling is rude? I just thought you might have heard something.
- Actually, I did hear something.
- Really? I heard it's none of your damn business.
Hey, Andrea.
- Well, good morning, Ms Jamison.
- Good morning.
Getting a little bold, wouldn't you say? Just waltzing into my class in front a student with a brush in your hand.
Well, perhaps the Bahamas has made me bold.
What are you doing with Ecstasy on your desk? I wouldn't take these all at once, unless you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like you're living in a bad Disney movie.
- What does it do? - You've never taken E before? - You have? - How do you think I paint those murals? Well, what's it like? Well, it makes you feel euphoric, uninhibited.
They take them at raves, and people dance all night.
Makes you escape reality for a while.
I was always too afraid to do drugs.
Smoked a little pot, cigarettes.
Yeah, but the hard stuff I don't know, I guess I was always too afraid I'd end up feeling like I was living in a bad Disney movie.
- Dang it, I can't get it even.
- Well, good.
I don't want it to be even.
You know what'd be sick? If you let me shave it all off.
And give up my just-been-fucked look? Just trim it and cut anything - Adam! knotted or matted.
I got a movie! I realised I think we need more music in our lives, so I got Xanadu.
Why does my kitchen floor look like it's going through puberty? I'm teaching your son to barter, so he'll understand how utterly unnatural it is to spend money.
Uncle Sean said he'd let me have this if I cut his hair.
Little bling for the little man's big night out.
What's big about tonight? - Just going to a party with Brent.
- What party? It's a Monday.
- Who throws parties on a Monday? - It's summer.
Well, is it a rave? People do weird things at raves.
No, there are gonna be adults, Mom.
It's a birthday party for Brent's cousin.
I'll crash at Brent's house.
And look, off your list of three survival meals I have to make before summer's out, and one romantic dessert, I give you chocolate mousse.
Madam.
- You can go.
- Yes! You're done.
Sorry to barge in on you, but my freezer's on the blink again and without my cold Fresca, I can't eat my dinner.
Eddie always fixed these things.
- Think I could borrow some ice cubes? - Sure, Marlene.
- Hey, Marlene, how old are you? - Sean.
Seventy-nine and counting.
Why? I got a buddy of mine around your age I think you might like.
- You trying to fix me up? - Well, I could chaperone, if you like.
- I think you and Earl might just hit it off.
- Why? You think all old people are soul mates? Hey, if you want to sit around making ice cubes, be my guest.
Be 79 years old and picky.
Good luck with that.
Fine.
Set me up, Cupid.
I got to take this.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Wait one second.
- Hi.
- Hi, it's Dr Mauer.
No, I know.
I have you under capital "C.
" That's depressing.
Look, I'm just gonna rip the Band-Aid off here.
The clinical trial is only accepting patients who have had prior treatment.
I was trying to get into this trial to get treatment.
So it turns out I have to have had treatment to get treatment? - That's a real cancer-22.
- Well, look, every clinical trial's different.
- We'll try for the next one.
- You do that.
Go read an X-ray.
I need an escape.
- So when am I gonna feel it? - Any minute now.
- There's nothing to be nervous about.
- Except according to the Internet, there is.
I mean, I'm really glad that we're doing this, but apparently, all that rave dancing is life-threatening.
No, we could get hypothermia.
Our organs could slowly bake inside of us till they shut down.
- You're being paranoid.
- The Internet said that would happen, too.
Just don't play any music I can dance to, especially Abba.
- No, honestly, do not Do not play Abba.
- Okay.
It would literally give me kidney failure.
You'll be safe, all right? I promise it.
Maybe if the Internet had an English accent, it wouldn't sound as scary as it does.
Hey, Trevor, thanks for taking us.
I mean, my mom would choke on her tongue if she knew there were no parents here.
Don't thank my dickhead brother.
I'm washing his car for a month for driving us.
Yeah, including the rims.
Later, ladies.
- Who the fuck let in a couple of freshmen? - Andrea, what's up? Cool party, huh? Yeah, if you're looking for the bouncy castle, there isn't one.
Shut up.
You're only two years older than me.
Which is why I was invited.
Come on, I'll show you where all the drinks are.
Maybe we can find a sippy cup.
Where do you think we go? I mean, when we go, Lenny, where do you think we go? I mean, I think that the energy just stays in the earth, in the air.
Energy, it can't be destroyed, so I think we become a part of everything.
I think you're absolutely right.
We become a part of everything.
We're everywhere.
- Right.
- I've wrestled with this question, but, God, now the answer's so obvious.
You're so beautiful.
- I'm not afraid any more.
- What aren't you afraid of? Anything.
Death, sharks.
- Anything.
- Yeah, what about big cats, like lions? - Nope.
- Nope.
I'm hot.
Are you hot? Cathy? It's Paul! Got my suit! Forgot my tie! Maybe I'll get the one you gave me for our anniversary.
Or maybe I'll shred that one and get another one.
Everything looks so good.
I'd go for the corn on the cob, but I didn't bring my good teeth.
And if I'd known they were gonna bring us all this bread, I would have brought my big purse.
This is good.
I had a feeling you guys had the same sensibilities.
You know what I'd really like to eat? You.
Easy there, Earl.
Start slow.
- I apologise, Marlene.
- Apologise for what? Hey, I may be 82 years old, but I got a tongue that can lick the paint off an outhouse.
Sorry, everyone.
I was detained at the bar by a lovely bartender who understands the definition of the "generous pour.
" - Where's Cathy? - She couldn't make it.
I just found out that she had a previous commitment.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry she can't join us, but we'll try not to let it dampen our celebration.
Now, Paul, Nick, I am so thrilled to have you as my new Vice Presidents of Creative Services.
- Congratulations.
- Congratulations.
Well done.
Where's the dude? Dude? Dude? I'm so lucky to know you, and I'm so lucky to have met you.
No.
I feel really lucky, and I'm beginning to feel for the first time, finally, that everything's gonna be all right.
- It is gonna be all right.
- Maybe I don't have to I don't have to work so hard, I don't have to worry so much, I don't even have to raise Adam.
He will be raised by the world.
He'll be okay with the rest of it.
And it's not even It's not even what I say, is it? I just I should quit talking to Adam altogether.
I mean, I should exist around him, so he knows that I'm there, but no words.
No words.
You want to see my pool hole? I have an awesome pool hole.
Earl, why don't you tell Marlene a little bit about yourself? All right.
Marlene, I could tell you I moved here from Brooklyn, served in Korea, three brothers.
But the only thing you really have to know about me is in my pants.
- Oh, my God.
- Is that so? I've got the biggest pair of nuts you've ever seen.
Jesus, Earl! This is not polite dinner conversation.
It's not even bachelor party conversation.
And my dick ain't bad, either, though it looks smaller against my balls than it really is.
Optical illusion.
Jeez, would you get that for me, please, Marlene? I got it.
I got it.
- Jesus Christ, Earl! - It wasn't meant for you.
It was meant for her.
- Sean, could I speak to you alone? - What? Excuse me.
It's okay, ladies, I'm transgender.
It was a horrible doctor.
Don't ask for his number.
I'm so sorry, Marlene.
I've known Earl for a while, but I guess I've never really been in a social situation with him.
Stop getting in the way.
- I'm sorry? - You heard me.
I'm an old woman who doesn't get a lot of opportunities with men, especially one so clearly ready for relations.
I didn't agree to come tonight because I'm looking for someone to grow old with.
I'm already old.
And old people get horny, too, so quit cock-blocking me.
- Dude, check out this statue.
- Yeah.
She's got some long-ass titties.
Looks like a couple of torpedoes flew through her back and got caught in her chest.
She could use those as nunchucks.
Dude, there's this girl upstairs, and she's really drunk, and she's fucking any guy who wants to get laid.
That's pathetic.
- Megan needs a virgin.
- Seriously? Who wants to pop their cherry? Who the fuck in here's a lame-ass virgin? Oh, Adam.
- No, thanks, dude.
I'm good.
- What are you, a pussy? Virgin.
Virgin! Virgin! - Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! - Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! - Virgin! Virgin! Virgin - Virgin! Virgin! Virgin He's not a virgin.
- How would you know? - Trust me.
- Holy shit.
- You slept with this cow? What? No.
No way.
Fuck you.
Don't mind if I do.
So, Nick, I heard that you and Andy got a new place in Saint Paul.
We did.
We bought a loft in the Lowry building.
- Nice.
- But that's not our biggest news.
Tonight's kind of a double celebration for Andy and me.
Of course, there's our promotion.
But last week, Andy and I got married.
Yeah, we drove down to Mason City, lowa, and we tied the old rainbow knot.
Who would have thought there'd be a shining example of tolerance, like, just 200 miles away? - That's great.
- That's terrific.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
You know what I don't get about gay marriage? Two things.
First of all, ass sex.
Support it, support it.
Don't get it.
But what I really don't understand is why the fuck would you want to get married in the first place? Well, to enjoy the same rights and privileges as all And pain and heartache.
Say you're just living together and things go south.
You wake up one day, and you go, "You know, this guy's had bad breath all the time, "but today his breath is so bad, I'm gonna end the relationship.
" You just walk.
You know, but if you committed a lifetime to each other and somebody walks, it's like open-fucking-heart surgery without the anaesthesia.
Paul, you're drunk.
Nick, ding, ding, ding, ding, you're right.
But this I know.
I know this.
Marriage is a suffocating death trap, and monogamy is a fucking myth.
You know what marriage needs? To be punched in the balls.
That's what marriage needs, swift kick in the nuts.
Okay, Paul, that's enough.
Obviously, you and Cathy have some personal issues.
Fuck you, Simon.
You tell me that's enough when you find your wife fucking a black guy.
FYI, if you do ever decide to do that, Danielle, please have the courtesy to not do it in your own fucking backyard.
- What the fuck do you want? - They were just joking.
And what's your excuse, asshole? Well, they thought we were together or something.
So what? I'm not good enough for your scrawny virgin ass? That's fucked up.
- Jesus! Chill out.
- You know what? Fuck you, Adam.
Fuck you and your whole fucked-up family.
Thanks for coming to get me.
It's crazy in there.
Sorry.
So, wait.
So I guess I'm in trouble now? You did the right thing.
Those kids are plastered.
Okay, let's get going.
Wait, so my punishment is driving myself home? Look, it's not great that I drove over here after having a 30-year-old scotch.
Actually, I had five of them, so that's, like, 150 years of drinks.
And I don't want to endanger your life, so you drive, buddy.
- I don't want to endanger your life.
- Just don't go over 15 miles per hour, don't make any left turns, and stop at anything red.
It's okay, buddy.
I'm right here.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What's wrong? - Adam called me.
He never calls me.
He certainly doesn't call me 11 times.
- He needs a ride.
Crap! - Okay, don't panic.
- Don't panic.
- Something's wrong.
- I can feel it.
- Do you want me to come with you? What? To pick up my son? No.
Right.
No, I just want to help.
How can I help? You can't.
You don't.
Got you.
Look, you're not a parent.
Look, Lenny, I like you, and I love how you make me feel, but I can't do this.
I'm a mom, and I need to act like one.
I can't do this.
Cathy, it's not Adam.
It's Paul.
- Paul? - He's gonna be fine.
He has seven stitches, but he's gonna be fine.
A tree, Paul? - Tell me you didn't get drunk at dinner.
- I had a little bit too much at dinner, yep.
God, Paul.
So I let Adam drive.
You did what? Are you fucking kidding me? How could you do that? - You taught him to drive, didn't you? - Not allowing him to drive! Where were you, honey? He tried to call you.
- I couldn't hear the phone.
- Yeah.
Is that because it was up your vagina? Sorry.
That was the big black guy's penis.
I saw you.
In our own fucking house! I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Mom.
Me, too.
Jamison.
Paul Jamison.
Mr Jamison? Dr Mauer.
Cathy's doctor.
She called me and told me what happened.
I just want to assure you that the staff down here is excellent.
They'll take good care of your son.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Mr Jamison, as a man, I got to say I think it's really shitty of you to move out of the house.
- She told you that? - How can you leave her when she needs you? Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't you ask her that? I have no idea what the fuck is going on with her.
You're here.
You didn't have to come.
He doesn't know you're sick.
You said he knew.
I just want to live a little longer without everything being about my being sick.
I just want to be happy just a little longer.
Telling Paul I have cancer will not make me happy.
How do you know? - Paul.
- I want a divorce.