The Boss Baby: Back in the Crib (2022) s01e09 Episode Script

1 - Hold all my Whoa! - [laughing.]
Boss Baby! ♪ I'm the boss, dial in to the meeting ♪ Everybody here? Please find your seating ♪ While you teething I'm sinking my teeth in ♪ First one to show So I could do all my greeting ♪ Profits, payrolls, and pacifiers ♪ I make friends I love you, you're hired! ♪ So come on And raise your juice boxes skyward ♪ Boss babies until we retire ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - I'm a legend, mythic ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - Can a baby get a witness? ♪ Grab a high chair This the family business Boss baby ♪ [alarm ringing.]
It's my [grunts.]
[groans.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Today's the big day, right? Oh, yeah.
Let me say happy birthday, so I don't have to participate in that.
Oppah, oppah, oppah It's your birthday, it's your birthday ♪ Oppah, oppah, oppah Here's your bib, here's your card ♪ Oppah, oppah, oppah Happy birthday to you, to you, to you ♪ So good.
If I seem unappreciative, it's because you can't see my heart smiling.
Talk tomorrow? [shouts.]
Dig in, birthday boy.
Blow out the candle, if you can.
Why'd it be hard? That's crazy.
Just blow.
- Is it a trick candle? - What? They make those? Sorry, I'm just not in the mood.
For completely normal candles? [Tina laughs.]
Isn't it amazing? Die, mesmerizing birthday sorcery! How are you grumpy on your b-day? That's like being mad at time.
I know, I'm sorry.
It was a good song and dance.
I'm just not used to spending birthdays like this.
In a suit? 'Cause it's Saturday, and you did have options.
No, as a baby.
Back in my pre-framed-for-embezzlement days, my parties were legendary.
Everyone used to say my birthday was like a national holiday but better - 'cause the banks stayed open.
- I doubt everyone said that.
One guy did, in the comments on the video.
- Video? Found it! - Don't search for The Teddy Templeton Birthday Experience? Years ago, I had my assistant, Jaron, put together a birthday sizzle reel.
[Jaron.]
Legendary business tycoon.
Legend.
Tycoon.
Good bud.
Best friend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Great style.
Swanky.
Ooh-la-la! Bro, I would embezzle anything for that suit.
And I know embezzling.
In hindsight, it's obvious Bradley was gonna frame me.
[Jaron.]
Killer food.
Deep dish.
An improv comedy.
It's all made up.
- Special delivery.
It's - An answering machine.
Right.
An answering machine.
Beep! Hey, guy, filming prohibited! [Jaron.]
I'm not allowed to watch or participate in violence! That was so much better than our song.
No offense, all I can think about is what I'd be doing if I wasn't on the run.
You're not.
The FBI is after Teddy Templeton, the adult.
Boss Baby is free to go live it up in Chicago all he wants.
You deep dishing what I think you're deep dishing? If we leave now, you'll be there in time for all the best birthday nightlife.
If we leave? Are we talking? [both.]
Brother road trip! - I'll get the tunes.
- I'm on snacks.
[screaming.]
[groaning.]
Let's hit the road.
I got rezzies at Chez Big Boeuf without dropping a name.
A miracle! If there's one thing Tim Templeton believes in, it's birthday miracles.
Key me! [shouts.]
No, okay, I can't drive.
Your feet work fine.
You do gas and brakes, I'll take the wheel.
- It's every baby's dream.
- Not happening.
- Nice idea, but - Why doesn't Mom take Uncle Teddy? - Bad idea! - No.
- Great idea.
- Thanks.
It's a Tabitha original.
I love your uncle as much as I have to, but put us alone for hours? - We'll just fight and argue.
- Exactly.
Aw, look at you two on the same page.
Hit that road! - You'll wanna take - I've driven to Chicago, thanks.
Chicago.
Chi-Town.
Old Paris on the Prairie.
The Big Cheese and Caramel.
- City of the Wet Sandwich.
- How about some music? [man.]
Ooh.
An alligator just bit [rock music playing over stereo.]
This is great.
This is the waiting room music at a tattoo parlor for moms.
Now, this is a road trip jam.
It's my birthday mix, and it kicks.
And it's my birthday.
[muttering.]
Industry! [hip-hop music playing over stereo.]
Greatest value! Did the band forget to show up? The music is garbage.
That garbage is Wall Street's top a capella group, the T-Notes, covering Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations.
- [rock music resumes.]
- Hey, put the T's back on! No chance.
I'm getting through this as painlessly as possible.
- [crying.]
- You think crying will work? I have kids.
I do crosswords during tantrums.
Come at me.
[hip-hop music resumes, then stops.]
Never launch anything from the back.
You could've caused a wreck.
I'm an excellent marksman, - just below distinguished marksman.
- Stop saying "marksman.
" - Play my music.
- That wasn't music.
Excellent marksman is above first-class marksman - and above general marksman - You want music? - which anyone can be - I got your music.
- This isn't the T-Notes [snoring.]
- [lullaby playing.]
Let's never leave Aruba, Adam Smith.
[grunting.]
How dare you! Did we have a good nappy-nap? All I asked for today was to not feel like a baby, and what do you do? You drug me for transport, like a common circus rhino! Would you look up? Really is the Paris on the Prairie, huh? So, birthday boy, where to first? I said viridian.
This is kelly.
If I wanted someone colorblind to fetch me things, I would've hired a dog.
[sobbing.]
Milton Livree is the best tailor this side of Savile Row.
I buy a suit from him every birthday.
Your party, your clown.
I'm just here to push the stroller.
Prepare to see true genius at work.
Milton knows how to dress a man who knows what he wants.
And I am a man who knows what he wants.
Yes? Uh [babbling.]
Of course, the baby can't talk.
If you want a cute outfit to out-mommy the other mommies, the baby department is in the basement.
And the shoe department is over there.
- Great meeting you.
- Where you going? I'm here to push the stroller.
If you can't order Order it for me.
Custom travel suit, pinstripes, peak lapels.
Will you just stop? Hey! Are you able to control your stroller pet? Depends.
Are you able to make a travel suit with pinstripes and peak lapels? - For a baby? - Ooh! Challenge accepted.
Lay the thing down, and we'll begin.
He's gonna ask questions.
Pay attention, and we'll be okay.
How many buttons? Two? Three! - [Milton.]
And you want this in flannel? - Sure ly not.
[Milton.]
Tweed? That.
I think.
[Milton.]
Cuffed pants or hemmed? Uh, one of each.
How unique.
Moving on to footwear.
Where's my shoe horn? You just designed a suit for some salesman.
- You wouldn't quit giggling! - Everything tickles! Listen to me, Harris Tweed, cuffed pants, single monk strap, brown Italian leather shoes.
I can't remember those meaningless details.
It's my birthday! Fine.
What was it? Hairy tweed, monkey strap shoes? I'm in a nightmare.
Found my shoe horn.
Ow! Enough! I am a bespoke artisan, not some spittle-rag maker! Please, Mr.
Livree, I know his order and I know his shoe size.
It's his birthday.
All right.
It'll be 9000 for the suit.
Payment up front.
- Cool.
What can I get for 5? - [gasps.]
[groans.]
- It looks nice.
- Of course, you're a hillbilly.
- I would've paid you back.
- How? You're a baby.
Can we go five minutes without reminding me of that? You're right, your birthday.
So where to next? Chez Big Boeuf.
[maître d'.]
Madame, right this way.
Ooh-la-la.
"Madame.
" - Play it cool, hillbilly.
- I'm from Dallas! The booth d'triomphe! I didn't think it was available.
Your table, madame.
[shouts.]
Merci, and do you have a seat for the bundle of joy? This is nice.
That's nice.
This is a backwoods jail cell at the intersection of Kitchen Street, Bathroom Ave.
and Rue de Back Door.
[cooks chattering.]
Food's the same, so quit crying.
Is that a baby slur? This is what I'm talking about, Carol.
It's booth politics.
Just 'cause I can't grow a mustache or win at peekaboo, - I get the trash and toilet table? - I couldn't care less! If there was a care bank and I had an account, it'd be empty, 0.
00 cares.
So drop it, I'm starving! [maître d'.]
Here are the menus, and please stop yelling at your baby.
Was I yelling? It's so loud in here, I didn't realize.
Yes, we'd love some bread.
Thanks! - Not another word.
- I'm in menu land.
Keep up.
Speaking of, I'll order.
Two of everything, medium rare.
Like I'm paying for $60 steaks.
Choose one, we'll share.
Fine.
Wagyu T-bone.
- Of course, he picks the most expensive.
- I picked the best.
This is for you too.
We're in the big city.
- Live a little, hillbilly.
- I'm from Dallas! And we do like our steaks.
Oh, would you look at that? We're having a moment.
Enjoy your overpriced meat, birthday boy.
- [man.]
Baby's got a knife! - [woman.]
Call Child Services! I got it.
Chill your uppity butts.
Moment over.
Mm, mm.
"Give me my sin again.
" - Dude? - It's Shakespeare, hillbilly.
- Call me hillbilly one more time - It means, "Me want more!" - Just cut me off another - [stomach gurgling.]
- No.
No, no, no! - What? - My stupid baby belly is already full.
- Are you serious? You made me buy the most expensive steak.
How do you think I feel? I don't even have the meat sweats.
[grunting.]
It's all yours.
Fine.
Yo, waiter! Need this back on the grill! - What are you doing? - I like it medium-well.
- You won't taste-murder this! - Mine.
I'll eat it my way.
Burnt over a hillbilly trash fire? Dallas-Fort Worth is the 4th-largest metropolitan region in the U.
S.
! Hillbilly.
It's the cultural and economic powerhouse of Texas! A 19-block arts district and an aquarium! I have a master's degree, dumb baby! [maître d' clearing throat.]
Slow down! I got stubby legs! You got us kicked out of a restaurant.
Uh, I don't remember me yelling at a baby.
That is exactly what you are! Stubborn, selfish, loudest voice in the room, everything's gotta be done your way.
That didn't come from drinking Baby Corp formula that shrank you back to toddler size.
Mm-mm.
Teddy Templeton never stopped being a baby.
Happy birthday.
We're going home.
- Give me the keys.
- No.
We have to hit my favorite improv show.
Why would I watch unemployed people play make-believe? - I have kids.
- I've been selfish! This is the birthday tradition I care about most.
It's right there! It's not fussy.
It's not pricey.
It's just fun.
Please.
If you hate it, we can leave at intermission.
Two tickets for Duran Durango.
No outside food or beverages.
Uh, it's formula.
For my baby.
Rules are rules.
I won't change them because some bad mom decided to bring a baby to an improv show.
At night.
One moment, please.
Bav.
He's a real mood.
Leave the stuff, it's fine.
Including the magic juice that keeps you a baby? I'll grab a sip at intermish.
Come on, I need laughs! Improv comedy, huh? It's off-brand for me.
But there's something about improv.
The unpredictable vibe.
The risk-taking.
The guy who framed me for embezzlement Bradley? The guy who forced you to live at our house? And stole from my company and sent the federal government after me, but who's prioritizing, Carol? - We should go.
- No.
He took my business, but he's not taking my Duran Durango.
He's looking right at me.
I think he recognizes me! Maybe from a photo on your desk.
I cut you and Tim out of all my photos of the girls.
He's mouthing something.
Menu? Menu? - Does he think I'm serving tables? - He thinks every woman's a waitress.
[both.]
Ugh.
- Wanna mess with that jerk? - What? Beans? Oh, boy.
Nobody knows you as a baby.
Let's have some fun with that.
Now we're having a moment.
I need that map to chomp town U.
S.
A.
, lady.
- [cell phone buzzing.]
- Ooh.
Unknown number.
Very spicy.
You got the Bradley.
Speak at me.
[Boss Baby.]
Hello, Bradley.
Teddy.
Where are you? Bolivia.
Or is it Zimbabwe? Or am I TP'ing your lake house? Don't! I was gonna burn that down and collect on the insurance! Ugh.
Are you ever not a criminal? - Hello, beautiful humans! - [crowd cheering.]
We are your improv entertainment, Duran Durango.
[echoing.]
And remember, in improv, we never say no, always "yes and" Your phone's being weird bro Bro! You're here at the show! What? No, I'm not.
Bro, there's an echo.
You totes be in the house.
We love you, Duran Durango! Heard that.
Swing by my tabe.
Sorry I couldn't invite our old buds, but I had to bring all these FBI guys.
Told you he wouldn't miss Duran Durango on his birthday! - Say hi, Agent Browns! - [all.]
Hello.
I'm not here.
Bye.
It's an ambush! We'll do improv for you.
No scripts, no planning, everything on the spot, never to be seen again.
Like an alien abduction but with more laughs.
Hopefully.
[audience laughing.]
They are on tonight.
- [cell phone buzzing.]
- It's Bradley! Don't answer it! Hello? Oh! - [Don.]
Can we get a suggestion - Not him.
to start our show? Where are you, bro? Give yourself up! Thank you so much.
Duran Durango presents "Where are you, bro? Give yourself up!" I'm here to take you to the opera.
[operatic.]
I'm late! I'm late! Sorry to interrupt your good time, but the FBI is looking for you! They're looking for grown-up me.
Eventually they'll get to this table, check my ID, - and find out my name ends in Templeton! - Ugh.
Fine.
Let's go.
That will look more suspicious! We need a plan! You're in Marrakech.
In Morocco.
In Africa.
[audience laughing.]
Marrakech! Bav just had that one at his fingertips! Okay! We move one table at a time.
We get behind them and they'll think they've already ID'd us.
It's what I got.
Honey, will you pass the salad with your dolphin flippers? - [mimicking dolphin squeak.]
- [audience laughing.]
[operatic.]
My boss is gonna kill me.
I love you too! I think it worked! Did we check that irresponsible mother? The winds of Marrakech sweep through the city square.
[all.]
Sweep.
Sweep.
Sweep.
Sweep.
Sweep.
Sweep.
Go! "Guard the door, Agent Brown.
" I hate being the rookie.
Okay.
We can hide here until they give up.
Oh, no.
[screams.]
All rise for honorable Judge Jones.
Standing 5'6", 190 pounds, from Judge University.
Ugh.
I'll get arrested in earth tones.
You said you didn't need more special formula until intermission! - It's not exact science! - [Brown.]
Mr.
Templeton? Agent Brown, FBI.
- And associates.
- [agents.]
Hello.
I don't wanna go to prison for harboring a fugitive.
I wanna go for something fun.
Like impersonating the queen.
No one's going to prison.
When that opera lady takes the stand, you take her out with this [Boss Baby.]
Burrito! [EJ.]
Take her out with this burrito.
Because her career's a wrap! I would've made a "full of beans" joke, but I'm not the professional.
Focus! Rooftop exit! We'll swing across.
I'll go first then send it back.
Teddy! [screaming.]
He's coming Who will save me? ♪ It's me! Detective Backwards Man! Egad! Not Detective Backwards Man! That's right.
You thought you could just leave right now out the door.
The exit of this room, Carol.
Hang on.
I know who you are.
It's the waitress who never brought me those menus! Investigate why she's so stuck up! The case has come full circle, wouldn't you say, Detective Frontwards Man! It's him! Back-Front-Man! Get him! Carol, go! Sorry for ruining what was, as always, an incredible Duran Durango show.
Business tycoon Teddy Templeton, your legendary birthday parties kept the lights on in this theater for years.
You've always been loyal to improv.
And improv will always be loyal to you.
Ladies and gentlemen, a real treat.
Legendary improv founder Saul Mayes! [chattering.]
That's intermission! See you at the second act for more! [knocking on door.]
Let us in.
Agent Brown, FBI.
Bav, house manager, halfway decent improviser, and law school dropout.
The only way you'll get in is with a warrant or with food in lieu of being paid.
And I don't see either.
Your hearts are as kind as your parents were about your chosen life paths.
But now we're all trapped.
Any ideas? - We could improv our way out! - That's a dumb idea, Don! Back with those menus in a sec, hun! Real steak! Hyenas.
No.
Artists.
Duran Durango! Go crush that 'prov.
We got it from here.
Who's ready for more improv? [audience cheering.]
Where is he? Waitress! You see a business bro in here? Afraid not, sugar! [laughs.]
And Bradley, what a pig idiot that guy is! But that escape? Woo-hoo! Bet you're glad you're a baby now.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
One quick stop.
[Boss Baby.]
Magalagabagagianos! - My favorite deep dish! How'd you know? - I saw it in your birthday video.
You had a rough day.
I'm a mom.
I'm a sucker for pouty baby faces.
Save me a slice, birthday boy.
"Pontooning it up in Lake Geneva this weekend.
Back with slices on Monday.
Go State!" Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, hey, come on, fight the tears.
I can't.
I'm a baby.
[crying.]
Hey, come on.
It's gonna be all right.
It's gonna be all right.
[closing theme playing.]
Boss baby ♪ Boss baby ♪ Boss baby ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - I'm a legend, mythic ♪ Y'all heard the story But you know what the twist is? ♪ Welcome to the family business Boss baby ♪