The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e09 Episode Script

- Good morning.
- Morning, Billy.
- How are you today? - I'm good, how are you? Good.
Keep me safe.
- Okay, have a great day.
- See ya.
Yeah.
Good g Oh, boy.
Look how he parks.
Every day, he's a little over the line.
I don't think I can get in there.
This is like my mother in a shoe store.
"I'm a seven, dear.
What size are those?" "Those are a four.
" "Uh, I'll take them.
" It's ridiculous.
God damn it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
We got a we got a great show for you guys tonight, so I just wanted to tell you, I met this girl the other day.
- Well, made love to this - Josh, before we before we - Yeah? - Move on.
We have to talk about parking.
How how he parks, or doesn't park.
For the record, I literally have no idea what's happening right now.
Okay, go on.
Yeah, no, we we we park right next to each other in the lot right outside.
Right.
He gets here a little bit before me every day so he can park partially in my spot.
Here's what he does.
Take a look at this.
Look at that.
I took this this morning, because he's always a little bit in my spot.
And I pull in, and here's how I have to park.
Oh, that's fun.
Oh, that's not fun.
How can I get my car in? My car.
I can't get my car in.
And then getting out is fun 'cause then it's this and it's like that.
Well Uh You know what? They gotta paint the lines wider.
- The lines wider? - Yeah.
No, just come in straight.
It's like parking next to Marty Feldman's eye.
- Oh.
- It's like Marty Feldman, that's a good reference for the FX audience.
That's good.
I wouldn't have brought it up, but you cracked my tail light.
Denis.
He whispered something to you during the opening.
Yes, he did.
He whispered He whispered something, yes.
Well, what did he say? Did he mention the time slot? He asked me where the bathroom was is.
We're getting killed here.
There's no promotion.
Every place I look, I see giant eyes with worms coming out of them.
Where are our giant eyes with worms coming out of them? Hey, Denis.
- Billy.
- Hey.
The show was very funny.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, I'm glad, I'm glad.
You know, 'cause I saw you from the stage and you looked very serious.
- No.
- I mean, very serious.
Yeah, I'm not much of a laugher.
Hardly ever laugh.
- Really? - Yeah, don't enjoy it.
You must be fun in bed.
"I'm putting a baby in you now.
" So listen, Billy you're probably wondering about the time slot, and You know, not really.
It just just never crossed my mind.
I just, you know, leave it to you.
You know I heard you talking about it just now.
- Yeah, I am.
- So, we plan on making a decision any day now.
Oh, my God! Oh, wow! Did you see that guy? Oh, God.
Pew! Are you okay? Are you Denis, are you ok ? Oh.
Whew.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude of 30,00 feet.
It is now safe to turn on your electrical devices provided they remain in airplane mode.
In a few minutes, our flight attendants will begin our beverage services.
We will only accept credit cards at this time.
We no longer take cash.
Thank you for travelling with Air Express.
Have a safe and pleasant journey.
Billy! Hey.
I I hope you don't mind.
I'm doing this to boost morale.
I bought some booze, I got a keg, some Pringles.
Those are literally the only things I got.
No, it's a great idea.
- Yeah, 'cause - Yeah, okay, great.
Nice of you to do this.
Let me get you something.
Let me Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
What do you got here? Can I get you some Cuervo? No, you know what? I-I I'm not gonna drink.
Have a little bit.
You sure? - Yeah.
- All right.
You're happy in general with the With the cue cards are legible and Oh, they're great.
I've written some of my own jokes.
If you want to take a gander at some of them.
Fun, fun.
- Yeah.
- Good for you.
Why don't you email them to me? I I can't email them.
They're already written on the cue cards.
Kristen, it's a very simple sketch.
Billy is lactose intolerant.
Josh is intolerance intolerant.
So Josh throws milk in Billy's face.
What is so hard to understand there? I think what I am not getting is who's gonna tell Billy we're throwing milk in his face? I can't believe he just sold me out on camera in front of a studio audience.
I didn't even want a studio audience.
Do you want me to say something to him? To Billy Crystal? Do I want you to say something to Billy Crystal? We have a rapport.
I could No.
No, I don't want you to say anything to Billy Crystal.
Why are you even here? You invited me here, man.
Uninvited.
You're uninvited.
So if you give me a 30-minute.
- Mm-hmm.
- Then 15, then I I know when to get dressed and - Yeah, yeah, no, I - Just gives me a rhythm.
- That's what I like.
- Yeah.
I'm glad you're having a good time.
- Hey.
- Oh Yeah? Here we go.
- You got - The gold.
Do you want maybe take a just take a give 'em Take a spin.
- You know what? - What? You look like Frank Sinatra.
Chairman of the board? Really? No one's ever told you that before? No, no.
No one has ever I see it.
I really see it.
"Hey, baby, who likes pasta?" - Hm.
- What about this? What if you sw Flipped the roles? And instead of being afraid of milk, Josh is afraid of tennis balls.
And Billy keeps throwing tennis balls at him.
That's a funny, funny sketch idea, Kristen.
I gotta hand it to you.
That's a winner.
He made it look like there was so much space, and I just back up and hear this little Bink.
Just the tiniest little Bink.
And it's this stupid $50,000 tail light.
Do you know what would be more fun than that story? The captain has turned off the seat belt switch.
Sir, please.
I'm just trying to read.
Oh, my God, Mitch.
That's hilarious.
Intolerance intolerant? Thanks, yeah.
I just thought of it.
He's intolerant of intolerance, so You might want to keep an eye on Esme.
I just saw her do a ton of ecstasy with Josh.
Oh.
Okay, that makes sense.
TSA regulations require that you do not congregate outside of the lavatory at the front of the cabin.
Josh? - Hey, Billy.
- Hey.
Hey, I was just looking for you.
And look at that.
You found me.
I just want to say.
What? You mean so much to me.
Mm-kay? Thank you, Josh.
You you you mean stuff to me too.
I was mad before.
I was pissed off.
- Mm-hmm.
- But what are you gonna do? You know what, Josh? I'm gonna give you a ride home.
I gonna give you a ride home.
What what is that? You're making me so thirsty.
'Cause your mouth is so wet.
Josh, I'm gonna give you a ride home because if I let you drive, then you could possibly die a terrible death, a terrible death.
Then I would feel sad and I'd have no show.
You're a truly funny man, Billy Crystal.
Thanks, Josh.
Come on.
Let's go.
All right? Do you remember when this happened? It's happening.
Yes.
What did you eat at the wrap party? I had Pringles and drugs.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
You're judging me, aren't you? You're judging me right now.
No, I'm I'm not judging you at all.
You're Billy, you're judging me for being so [bleep.]
up.
You know, you're doing ecstasy.
You know, it's a studio, not Burning Man.
You know? And listen, I have been more messed up than you are right now.
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, yes.
Yes.
It's my 30th birthday, and I had not had a joint or a drink or anything for, like, six years 'cause my daughter was born, the first one, when I was 24 years old.
- You have kids? - Two.
So now comes my 30th birthday, and I figured, what the hell.
You know, it's 30.
So I smoke huge Two huge joints and drop a tab of organic mescaline.
Have you ever done organic mescaline? - Yes.
- You have? - No.
- All right, so it makes you want to do one of two things.
Take an enormous shit or jerk off.
I decide to do both at the same time.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- No.
- So now, picture yours truly on the floor of my bathroom writhing around.
And Julie walks in, and she goes, "One at a time, pal.
One at a time.
" All right? So We all have our moments, buddy.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
How does Helen Keller masturbate? I don't know.
How? No, I'm genuinely asking that.
I was really hoping you knew.
Oh, no.
I hope it's nothing.
It better be nothing.
You're an enormously skilled driver.
Nice.
Oh, boy.
License and registration.
Here you go, sir.
Can you step out of the car, please? Sure.
Do you want me to call the cops? You got a busted tail light here.
Oh, the tail light.
That's my fault, officer! This happened the other day, and I promise you I-I was gonna take care of it first thing in the morning.
Okay.
Okay? Listen, I'm a huge fan.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Okay? "You look marvelous.
" No, that was hold on.
"You look marvelous.
" It's "you look marvelous.
" "You look marvelous.
" - There you go.
- Oh, really? That was actually very good.
- Okay.
- It was great, actually.
Okay, well Make sure you get that fixed ASAP.
I-I promise you.
First thing Excuse me! - Oh, no.
- No, I'm talking now.
- Listen - Josh.
Do you know who this is? Huh? - All right.
- This ring of any bells? City Slickers.
Princess Bride.
Three Amigos.
- I was not in that.
- He's on a stamp.
That's wrong, too.
Why don't you get back in the car? You're not a real cop, are you? Josh, he is a real cop.
You're a man stripper.
You're like Channing Tatum and company in that man stripping movie.
- Sir.
- Are these tear away pants? - Sir.
- Huh? I'm gonna need you to get back in the car now.
We had a little party at the studio.
It was a morale booster.
Someone drugged me.
- Josh.
- I drugged me.
Josh, stop it.
- Oh.
- Just stop it.
- Hey.
- Stop it.
Is your friend also Does he strip? - Excuse me.
- Josh.
Do you strip? Hey, ow! - Whoa.
- Stop it or I will slap your face.
- Please.
- You are heading down a Shia LaBeouf kind of road.
- Is that what you want? - No.
- Just get control - I mean, he's really good in some things, like Eagle Eye.
- Just shut up, please.
- Guys.
- You are so strong.
- Come on.
You're like an ant, but human-sized.
Just stop it.
Just st - Oh! - Whoa.
Hey.
Whoa, hey! Aah! Come on.
Ow! Stripper, get him off me! Oh, my Jesus, Lord in Heaven.
What are you hitting me for, you ? Who am I fighting? Instant classic, right? Ugh.
- Oh.
- No! I mean, it's probably the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life.
You should probably write something like this.
Okay, okay.
Stop it.
And that's, like, if you want to sell stuff on Etsy.
- That's how it works.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hi, Billy.
- Hi, Billy.
- Hey.
What are you watching? - Nothing.
- Porno.
He was showing me a porno.
You can't get porn in here.
There's a firewall.
How do you know that? So what is it? The dashcam video? - No.
- Yes.
Oh, boy.
How many hits is it up to now? 91,000.
Oh, boy.
Oh, hold on.
Let me refresh.
330,000.
- Oh.
- It's not that many.
So, Denis called.
He wants us to come to the network for a meeting.
You guys can come in.
Denis is just finishing up a meeting, but he'll be right with you.
Thank you.
It's like getting called into the principal's office.
Can I get you gentlemen anything to drink? - No, I'm fine, thank you.
- A water? I'll have a no, thank you.
- Great to meet you.
- Okay.
Nothing for me, either.
I'm good, too.
You dragged me into your shit, Josh.
Well, you know what? At least they're talking about our show now, right? It's not the kind of talking I like.
You know what? Maybe it's fine.
I mean, we have all had, like, a not-so-sober altercation with a cop, right? Right? Kristen, let's start having some thoughts we don't voice, okay? I already do that.
- Hi, Denis.
- Hey, buddy.
Hello, gentlemen.
- Please sit.
- Hi.
So, this Denis, nobody's more mortified about this video than me.
- Except me.
- We love it.
- What? - Interesting.
Yeah, this thing has done more to raise awareness for the show than any single piece of promotion, viral marketing, anything my team has come up with over the past six months.
How very, very interesting.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am going to be firing my entire team.
But that's not your problem.
What I'd like from you guys, if you're game, is to run with it.
- Run with it? - Hmm.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- How do we do that? A mea culpa tour.
People love those things.
You guys can go on Kimmel, Fallon the other idiot who's not named Jimmy.
You want me to take the thing that I'm most embarrassed about in my entire career and exploit it? Yes.
I think we've stumbled upon something really interesting here.
A comedy team who hates each other.
Even if it's not true in real life.
- No, it's not true, not true.
- No, it's not true at all.
It's attention-grabbing, it's it's noisy, in a good way.
This is why you are so good at what you do.
Fellas, if I Honestly, I have a little trouble with this.
Maybe I grew up in a time where if you did something bad, you were ashamed, and you did not brag about it, and you did not exploit it.
Yeah, we're the network that gave Charlie Sheen a show, so All right, you know what? For me, it feels wrong.
Well, as in all things, we ultimately defer to the artist.
And if you're not comfortable, we don't do it.
Great.
I personally think it would be good for the show.
But it's your choice.
Our first guest tonight are the co-stars of a new sketch comedy program on FX.
It's premiering sometime this fall.
It's called The Billy & Josh Show.
I don't know where they came up with the name, either.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Billy Crystal and Josh Gad.
Great to have you here.
- Thanks for having me.
- Great having you here.
You guy you want maybe wanna squeeze in a little bit closer? - No, we're we're okay.
- I'm good.
We're good.
Yeah.
All right, so everybody has seen the dashcam video that you guys made.
I guess maybe that would be the way to put it.
Well.
You know what, Jimmy? Can we skip that? Talk about Everyone's seen it, and the - Well - Let's just talk about our show, which is coming on in the fall, which is fantastic.
With all due respect And none taken.
I think I think we need to have maybe a "come to Jesus" moment.
Maybe a Jewish "come to Jesus" moment.
- Those are my favorite kind.
- He was.
I was talking to Josh backstage.
And, Josh, you have something you want to say to Billy? Yes, thank you, Seth.
Billy I'm I'm sorry for doing drugs.
I'm sorry for slapping you.
And I'm also sorry for urinating on your car.
That's nice.
You urinated on my car? A few months ago, yes.
All right.
At least you didn't do it in my car.
Uh we'll talk about it later.
- Well, you know - Oh, my.
- Wow.
- I think that's very big of you to do.
Billy, do you accept Josh's apology? If I say yes, will you then talk about our show? - Yes.
- Okay, then yes.
All right, very good.
Gentlemen - How about that? - One more thing we have to do.
If you could just shake hands to show that yes.
Not no, no, no, no, no.
- Hands.
- No.
Josh.
- See? - He said a handshake.
- Now that's - He always goes too far.
He does.
That's how you do it, President Obama.
That is how you broker a peace agreement between warring nations.
So there you go.
How do you guys feel now? - So much better.
- Pretty much the same.
All right, well, we will be right back You know, the guy you have to worry about when when it comes to drugs is Billy.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, Billy, you gotta tell the story.
What story is that? Your 30th birthday.
The thing you did.
Tell them.
Tell them the story.
What the hell was that? I thought that was pretty funny.
Funny? I told you that story in confidence.
Yeah, well, you know what? I hate your car in confidence, and you didn't mind talking about that in front of an audience.
Without even telling me.
Are you serious? It was a bit, that's all.
- Yeah, really funny bit.
- It was a bit.
- It was, the audience loved it.
- So was mine, so was mine.
It was actually funny.
It was real.
My thing was a bit on Jimmy Kimmel - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Oh.
- Oh, no, that's FX.
- Yeah.
- Oh, shit.
- What do we do? Pick it up, and I'll say that I'm your maid and you're not here.
You're I don't have a maid.
Hello? Billy, hey, it's Denis.
Hey, Denis.
You have both of us.
It's me, Josh.
Listen, guys.
Unbelievable.
- I know, Denis you know - Yeah.
Truly hilarious.
So uncomfortable.
I didn't even know you guys were even gonna do the bit where Josh puts you on the spot.
I was laughing my ass off.
Yeah, well I thought you don't laugh, Denis.
Well, I make exceptions.
So, listen, listen, guys.
Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna find more money in the marketing budget.
We're gonna promote the hell out of you.
Break a leg on Conan tomorrow night, all right? Okay.
- Okay, fellas? - All right, thanks for calling.
- Great work.
- Thank you.
Thanks, Denis.
[bleep.]
Hey, excuse.
Hey, chief.
Who do we call to get a car towed? Yeah, that black Mercedes SUV.
It's half in my spot.
It's Josh Gad's car.
Just go ahead and tow him, please.