The Comedy Get Down (2017) s01e09 Episode Script
LA Story Part 1
1 Well, I wanna say thank you again, man, for inviting us all out, Kareem.
This is awesome.
- Yeah, Kareem.
- Thank you, man.
A five-star dinner with you is amazing.
- How are you doing? - Busy.
You know, I got my real estate, and that's like a full-time job.
And I do a lot of speaking engagements.
Plus, I started a new ice cream company, and I've given it a really cool name.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, is this another corny like "Ice Kareem"? [LAUGHTER.]
- That is the name.
- Oh.
You think it's corny? [CLEARS THROAT.]
- I'm just playing.
- Oh.
[LAUGHTER.]
That's called deadpan comedy.
Oh, that's what you were doing.
KAREEM: Yes.
I learned that from Les.
CEDRIC: Les Lessster Leslie Nielsen? - ALL: Oh! - Oh, of course.
Lester Holt, I would've said.
Anyway, Kareem, I bet you have some great stories about your time with the Lakers, man.
-Oh yeah, I've got a million of 'em.
.
But the best ones are from when we shot the movie "Airplane.
" Let me tell you, you know, I had to study flying to prepare for that role.
- I didn't know that.
- You don't say.
Oh yeah, man.
You see, it was a sunny day in Van Nuys.
We got to the airport.
And I was just getting warmed up there.
And it was a great day for flying.
[THEME SONG.]
The Comedy Get Down 1x09 "LA Story Part 1 " Dec 14, 2017 Yes, yes.
And the name of that man was Robert Hays.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, Robert Hays, okay! Him, yes.
Hey, guys, if I can be serious for a moment here, the show tonight is gonna be at the Forum, which is my home.
And I wanna tell you all, from me personally, welcome.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Kareem.
I mean, listen, being here with you The Forum is the first time I saw Peter Frampton play.
- Who did he play for? - He was in Los Lobos.
You know [LAUGHS.]
I met you once before, but it was an awkward meeting.
I was on a plane flying from New York to LA with you.
We both had aisle seats.
And I knew you was gonna look my way eventually, and I would be able to wave and introduce myself.
But I never did.
And I ended up flying to LA, five hours from New York, like this.
[LAUGHTER.]
I remember being at the Forum, man, sitting way up in these shitty seats in the nosebleed section, but watching you and Magic Johnson get down, man.
One of my best memories, man.
And you know what? Now we're playing a sold-out show at the Forum.
So you guys got me some good seats for tonight? Kareem, you got the best seats the best.
Gentlemen, how was everything tonight? - Excellent.
- Wonderful.
- Amazing, thank you so much.
- Wonderful.
Can I tempt you with some dessert? Only if you have some ice Kareem.
- We do have ice cream.
- No, Kareem.
You know what? Never mind.
GEORGE: No, listen, we're all right.
After the show, we're having a big after-party with the dessert bar and everything, so we're good.
But thank you.
We hope you'll dine with us again.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So it's gonna be a real good after-party? Oh, Kareem, come on.
You gotta come to the after-party.
Yeah, we're gonna have weed.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
Oh, hey, I gotta take this.
It's Ben.
I'm trying to lure him away from Jerry.
See you guys tonight.
- All right.
- Good luck.
Ben, my man.
What's happening in Vermont? Did Kareem walk out without paying the bill? - Ha! - That's what it seems like.
Man, I can't believe this, man.
He invited our asses out to dinner and then bounced on the check.
Maybe he fell on some hard times because it's not a credit card in here.
Hard times my ass.
That man is a ice cream mogul.
Well, I don't think he'd stiff us, but the rule is richest guy at the table pays.
Well, since richest guy pays, Mr.
Two Books, - you take care of it.
- No, no, no.
Murphy's the biggest name in comedy.
Yeah, Eddie Murphy.
I'm Broke Murphy.
I think we should give it to my brother from "Malcolm and Eddie," Eddie Griffin.
Yeah, it was a small show on a small network.
Guys, come on, man! - CEDRIC: Really, George.
- "Beverly Hills Chihuahua"? - DL: I saw that twice.
- EDDIE: Absolutely.
You stop spending all your money on hats [CHUCKLING.]
[BLEEP.]
Give me a mint.
No, 'cause you ain't pitched in.
And that is why you never meet your heroes.
Why is that? Because they just disappoint you, you know? I could expect something like this from AC Green.
I mean, the guy hasn't changed his haircut since '82.
GEORGE: That's right.
Rambis, same glasses for 40 years.
Something's going on there.
But Kareem? Never.
I know, it just caught me off guard.
George, we're starting in about 10 minutes, so let's get you out there.
What's going on, fellas? Man, we're just talking about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
The ice cream guy? Oh my god.
My favorite is sky hook crunch.
I am lactose intolerant, but, you know, sometimes it is worth it, I must say.
Ice cream's just a symbol of fun.
The cream, the crunch, the nuts of it all.
I'm allergic to nuts too, so I pay a price.
Okay, let's go.
What else do you like on your ice cream? Oh, cherries and, you know, whatever.
Do you like those chocolate straws? I love those.
- All right! - Okay.
You know, he has a great one, a goggleberry swirl.
Not you too.
Not you too.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
LA! AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Let me tell you something, my ticket said 8:00, mother [BLEEP.]
.
[BLEEP.]
! [BLEEP.]
! [BLEEP.]
8:00! It's almost [BLEEP.]
9:00.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
My shit was on time until I started working with black people, [BLEEP.]
! [BLEEP.]
, man! Milk.
Now whole milk is bad.
It used to be good for you bones.
It used to be good for your body.
Now, I if I go to Starbucks, it'd be arguing.
Is this 2%? AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
- Because I can only have 1%.
- Is this 2%? Are you the manager? Hi, are you the manager? Is this 2%? 'Cause I can only have 1%.
Is this 2%? If [BLEEP.]
grab that latte and I spill half here.
[BLEEP.]
, that was 1%! Get the [BLEEP.]
You don't look like you ever ate 2% anything, you fat [BLEEP.]
! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
That's what they should do at Starbucks.
Instead of yelling your name, they should yell what you look like.
Will the mother [BLEEP.]
that looks like an owl Your coffee's ready.
Hey, that's you.
Hey, they want you.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Will the woman wearing yoga pants who clearly doesn't do yoga AUDIENCE: [LAUGHER.]
your [BLEEP.]
Frappuccino with extra double [BLEEP.]
whipped cream is ready, you fatass.
Hey, hola, they want you! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Will the dude that looks like Manny Pacquiao [BLEEP.]
Colonel Sanders That's me.
Wait, that's me! You said Manny Pacquiao [BLEEP.]
Colonel Sanders? That's me! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
[BLEEP.]
! If you have relatives that were in Mexico, they used to drink goat milk.
That shit ugh.
[UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Your [BLEEP.]
grandfather be grabbing some dirty nipples.
You dare me to drink it? No.
No, it's all right.
Even the goat would come out of the barn and look What the [BLEEP.]
? He's not gonna drink that shit, is he? [BLEEP.]
trying to warn you! [BLEATS.]
[BLEATS LOUDER.]
Shut up, you [BLEEP.]
goat.
You gotta know what's wrong with your family, though, because none of us know.
We don't know our family history.
They just fall out.
[KNOCK.]
He was laughing and then he just died.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
We don't know shit.
Was your mom diabetic? No, she was just mad all the time.
I don't know.
She worked nights.
She wasn't on a diet.
She was fat.
Because you're not gonna live forever, so you should eat the shit you wanna eat, drink the shit you wanna drink.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Tonight, smoke weed, take pills, do blow, drink! AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, they [BLEEP.]
can't catch us all! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
They might catch two gluten-free mother [BLEEP.]
down in Manchester.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Poof! Do Latino lives matter? You're [BLEEP.]
right they do.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
If you mother [BLEEP.]
ever wanna see a blueberry again, they [BLEEP.]
do.
If you wanna see lettuce, or a [BLEEP.]
blueberry, or some [BLEEP.]
tomatoes, leave us the [BLEEP.]
alone and let us work! AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
The [BLEEP.]
you wanna do? Pitch in? If white people had to pick shit, they'd just pick enough for themselves! I got two heads of lettuce, Ryan! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Ryan, I got mine! Find the crouton tree.
Let's get the [BLEEP.]
out of here! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Let me tell you something.
If we wanted to be terrorists, we'd be the most effective [BLEEP.]
terrorists.
Even ISIS would be [STUTTERS.]
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I don't know how they did that! The number-one ingredient in making a bomb? Fertilizer.
You know there's no way to stop a Mexican from buying fertilizer.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You want 3 tons? Yeah, hey AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
because we're doing a big house.
Well, I took care of our little Kareem problem.
See, Charlie, when you say stuff like that, it makes me nervous.
What do you mean, you took care of our little Kareem problem? Just what I said.
I took care of our Kareem problem.
Oh, no, man.
You killed Kareem? You ain't killed Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? I mean, come on, Charlie, how can this be? I can't go to jail, man.
My skin is too supple for that shit.
GEORGE: Put your hands together, Los Angeles, for Put your hands together for Mr.
Charlie Murphy! Showtime.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- I ain't going to jail, man.
- Nobody No, man, 'cause I need a sleep number bed.
I'm a 12.
What's up, LA Forum? Make some noise, LA.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- I'm happy to see LA.
- Darkness is spreading.
Hey, before I start, I want y'all to give some love to my homeboy, Mr.
George Lopez.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
I want to give a shoutout to all the single parents in the audience tonight too.
Give them a round of applause.
Single parents, congratulations on your night out.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I know them shit is hard to come by [BLEEP.]
damn it.
I know, 'cause I'm a single parent.
I got a boy and a girl at the house right now.
I'm mommy and daddy to both of 'em, you know what I'm saying? That's right.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Please don't insult me by giving me a round of applause for taking care of my kids.
Don't insult me.
That's a myth that we got going around, that black men don't take care of their kids.
I know I take care of mine and all the black men I know take care of theirs, so don't give me no round of applause for taking care of my kids.
To me, that's like giving me a round of applause for, you know, brushing my teeth and some shit.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I got a boy and a girl at the house right now.
I'll be honest, the boy part is easy 'cause, you know, we understand each other.
He's a male and I'm a male, so we understand each other.
Like, if I walk in his room and I see a sock over in the corner AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I know better than to go touch that sock.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
We understand each other.
I told the mother [BLEEP.]
right before I left, to come out here I said, yeah, man, you get that [BLEEP.]
sock outta there and wash it in the machine by itself.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
And my girl, she's a trip, man.
She's ten years old now.
I'm learning a lot about women, and I thought I already knew.
Like, I thought that older women taught the younger ones, and asked all those [BLEEP.]
questions.
Shit.
You mother [BLEEP.]
are born asking questions.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You mother [BLEEP.]
invented the word "interrogation.
" Y'all invented the technique of asking questions on Monday and doing a follow-up on Friday to fact check.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I found all that out from having a daughter.
My daughter's a trip.
A real trip.
She be asking me a lot of [BLEEP.]
questions.
I have to tell her sometime, listen, uh, you're not my wife.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You're my daughter, so I think you better back it on up, ask me no more [BLEEP.]
damn questions.
I wouldn't trade her for nothing, though, man.
My kids is a trip.
I learned from my daughter from over the years I learned some things, man.
Like for instance, I learned that if you buy Barbie, you gotta buy four other little [BLEEP.]
that's her friends.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
They all got their own individual clothing line, too.
I know 'cause my daughter had me on the bed, comparing the dresses.
And how do you like this one? On the inside, I was like, wow, I feel gay right now.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Then she made me sit down with her to eat one of them nasty-ass cakes out of the Easy-Bake Oven.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Boy, was that cake nasty.
The cake was so nasty, I wrote a letter to Mattel [BLEEP.]
them! How dare you mother [BLEEP.]
have a bakery division? This cake don't taste like cake.
It taste like toys, mother [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
But I love my kids.
I wouldn't trade them for nothin', man.
I really wouldn't.
Right now, it's just me and them.
I'm single right now because Not because I wanna be, but because I have to be, because I ain't taking no shit.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
To all my single guys in the audience, I wanted to spread some love, to give you a little wisdom that was given to me earlier this week by an old man.
This shit is true, too.
There are four rules to a happy romance.
Four.
Rule number one get you a woman! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Or if you're a [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
man, get you a man.
AUDIENCE: Whoa! Rule number two get you a woman that can cook.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Rule number three get you a woman that can make love.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND WHISTLING.]
Or if you're an [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
man, get you a man that can [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
WOMAN: Woo! I never did that joke that way before.
That's pretty funny.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Rule number four.
This is the most important of all four of the rules.
Never, ever, ever allow any of these three women.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
to be in the same room at the same time.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING.]
I really like telling that joke.
But I know I caused somebody some problems in this mother [BLEEP.]
tonight.
This is what's gonna happen in somebody's car on the way home.
Yeah, well, mother [BLEEP.]
, we both know I can't cook! So which bitch am I? AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
DL: Anybody know what Charlie did to Kareem? CHARLIE: That's the new thing, you know Okay, listen.
I don't know if Charlie choked Kareem out.
CHARLIE: That shit is, Butto me, some creep shit.
t.
He put him in a very special seat.
- Oh, wow! - Look at him.
EDDIE: Yeah, you should've paid that bill, buddy! [LAUGHTER.]
Him knees up in him chest.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
- CEDRIC: Crunch time for real.
- His nuts is up in his throat! As I was saying, I smoke a lot of weed.
AUDIENCE ON TV: [LAUGHTER.]
Look at, I can't believe Charlie did that shit, man.
He had Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's ass in the last row of the Forum.
DL: He was all the way up! Aw man, he was all up against the ceiling, like NINA: All right, thanks.
I'll tell him.
George, that was Essefess Steak House.
I guess there was a mix-up.
You double paid for dinner.
They're crediting back your card.
- Double paid? - Yeah.
Apparently Kareem had already bought the dinner tonight on his house account.
Uh Eddie, you're on in five.
I gotta go pray.
Wait, wait, wait.
So Kareem did pay, and we promised him the best seats.
But instead, he put his ass way in the top row In the middle of the top row! Oh! [SHOUTING FRANTICALLY.]
GEORGE: Kareem! Charlie did it! Charlie did it! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Is he here? GEORGE: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's think.
Maybe maybe he went to the bathroom.
Yeah, George, he went to take a dump on our careers.
Damn.
This is awesome.
- Yeah, Kareem.
- Thank you, man.
A five-star dinner with you is amazing.
- How are you doing? - Busy.
You know, I got my real estate, and that's like a full-time job.
And I do a lot of speaking engagements.
Plus, I started a new ice cream company, and I've given it a really cool name.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, is this another corny like "Ice Kareem"? [LAUGHTER.]
- That is the name.
- Oh.
You think it's corny? [CLEARS THROAT.]
- I'm just playing.
- Oh.
[LAUGHTER.]
That's called deadpan comedy.
Oh, that's what you were doing.
KAREEM: Yes.
I learned that from Les.
CEDRIC: Les Lessster Leslie Nielsen? - ALL: Oh! - Oh, of course.
Lester Holt, I would've said.
Anyway, Kareem, I bet you have some great stories about your time with the Lakers, man.
-Oh yeah, I've got a million of 'em.
.
But the best ones are from when we shot the movie "Airplane.
" Let me tell you, you know, I had to study flying to prepare for that role.
- I didn't know that.
- You don't say.
Oh yeah, man.
You see, it was a sunny day in Van Nuys.
We got to the airport.
And I was just getting warmed up there.
And it was a great day for flying.
[THEME SONG.]
The Comedy Get Down 1x09 "LA Story Part 1 " Dec 14, 2017 Yes, yes.
And the name of that man was Robert Hays.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, Robert Hays, okay! Him, yes.
Hey, guys, if I can be serious for a moment here, the show tonight is gonna be at the Forum, which is my home.
And I wanna tell you all, from me personally, welcome.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Kareem.
I mean, listen, being here with you The Forum is the first time I saw Peter Frampton play.
- Who did he play for? - He was in Los Lobos.
You know [LAUGHS.]
I met you once before, but it was an awkward meeting.
I was on a plane flying from New York to LA with you.
We both had aisle seats.
And I knew you was gonna look my way eventually, and I would be able to wave and introduce myself.
But I never did.
And I ended up flying to LA, five hours from New York, like this.
[LAUGHTER.]
I remember being at the Forum, man, sitting way up in these shitty seats in the nosebleed section, but watching you and Magic Johnson get down, man.
One of my best memories, man.
And you know what? Now we're playing a sold-out show at the Forum.
So you guys got me some good seats for tonight? Kareem, you got the best seats the best.
Gentlemen, how was everything tonight? - Excellent.
- Wonderful.
- Amazing, thank you so much.
- Wonderful.
Can I tempt you with some dessert? Only if you have some ice Kareem.
- We do have ice cream.
- No, Kareem.
You know what? Never mind.
GEORGE: No, listen, we're all right.
After the show, we're having a big after-party with the dessert bar and everything, so we're good.
But thank you.
We hope you'll dine with us again.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So it's gonna be a real good after-party? Oh, Kareem, come on.
You gotta come to the after-party.
Yeah, we're gonna have weed.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
Oh, hey, I gotta take this.
It's Ben.
I'm trying to lure him away from Jerry.
See you guys tonight.
- All right.
- Good luck.
Ben, my man.
What's happening in Vermont? Did Kareem walk out without paying the bill? - Ha! - That's what it seems like.
Man, I can't believe this, man.
He invited our asses out to dinner and then bounced on the check.
Maybe he fell on some hard times because it's not a credit card in here.
Hard times my ass.
That man is a ice cream mogul.
Well, I don't think he'd stiff us, but the rule is richest guy at the table pays.
Well, since richest guy pays, Mr.
Two Books, - you take care of it.
- No, no, no.
Murphy's the biggest name in comedy.
Yeah, Eddie Murphy.
I'm Broke Murphy.
I think we should give it to my brother from "Malcolm and Eddie," Eddie Griffin.
Yeah, it was a small show on a small network.
Guys, come on, man! - CEDRIC: Really, George.
- "Beverly Hills Chihuahua"? - DL: I saw that twice.
- EDDIE: Absolutely.
You stop spending all your money on hats [CHUCKLING.]
[BLEEP.]
Give me a mint.
No, 'cause you ain't pitched in.
And that is why you never meet your heroes.
Why is that? Because they just disappoint you, you know? I could expect something like this from AC Green.
I mean, the guy hasn't changed his haircut since '82.
GEORGE: That's right.
Rambis, same glasses for 40 years.
Something's going on there.
But Kareem? Never.
I know, it just caught me off guard.
George, we're starting in about 10 minutes, so let's get you out there.
What's going on, fellas? Man, we're just talking about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
The ice cream guy? Oh my god.
My favorite is sky hook crunch.
I am lactose intolerant, but, you know, sometimes it is worth it, I must say.
Ice cream's just a symbol of fun.
The cream, the crunch, the nuts of it all.
I'm allergic to nuts too, so I pay a price.
Okay, let's go.
What else do you like on your ice cream? Oh, cherries and, you know, whatever.
Do you like those chocolate straws? I love those.
- All right! - Okay.
You know, he has a great one, a goggleberry swirl.
Not you too.
Not you too.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
LA! AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Let me tell you something, my ticket said 8:00, mother [BLEEP.]
.
[BLEEP.]
! [BLEEP.]
! [BLEEP.]
8:00! It's almost [BLEEP.]
9:00.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
My shit was on time until I started working with black people, [BLEEP.]
! [BLEEP.]
, man! Milk.
Now whole milk is bad.
It used to be good for you bones.
It used to be good for your body.
Now, I if I go to Starbucks, it'd be arguing.
Is this 2%? AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
- Because I can only have 1%.
- Is this 2%? Are you the manager? Hi, are you the manager? Is this 2%? 'Cause I can only have 1%.
Is this 2%? If [BLEEP.]
grab that latte and I spill half here.
[BLEEP.]
, that was 1%! Get the [BLEEP.]
You don't look like you ever ate 2% anything, you fat [BLEEP.]
! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
That's what they should do at Starbucks.
Instead of yelling your name, they should yell what you look like.
Will the mother [BLEEP.]
that looks like an owl Your coffee's ready.
Hey, that's you.
Hey, they want you.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Will the woman wearing yoga pants who clearly doesn't do yoga AUDIENCE: [LAUGHER.]
your [BLEEP.]
Frappuccino with extra double [BLEEP.]
whipped cream is ready, you fatass.
Hey, hola, they want you! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Will the dude that looks like Manny Pacquiao [BLEEP.]
Colonel Sanders That's me.
Wait, that's me! You said Manny Pacquiao [BLEEP.]
Colonel Sanders? That's me! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
[BLEEP.]
! If you have relatives that were in Mexico, they used to drink goat milk.
That shit ugh.
[UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Your [BLEEP.]
grandfather be grabbing some dirty nipples.
You dare me to drink it? No.
No, it's all right.
Even the goat would come out of the barn and look What the [BLEEP.]
? He's not gonna drink that shit, is he? [BLEEP.]
trying to warn you! [BLEATS.]
[BLEATS LOUDER.]
Shut up, you [BLEEP.]
goat.
You gotta know what's wrong with your family, though, because none of us know.
We don't know our family history.
They just fall out.
[KNOCK.]
He was laughing and then he just died.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
We don't know shit.
Was your mom diabetic? No, she was just mad all the time.
I don't know.
She worked nights.
She wasn't on a diet.
She was fat.
Because you're not gonna live forever, so you should eat the shit you wanna eat, drink the shit you wanna drink.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Tonight, smoke weed, take pills, do blow, drink! AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, they [BLEEP.]
can't catch us all! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
They might catch two gluten-free mother [BLEEP.]
down in Manchester.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Poof! Do Latino lives matter? You're [BLEEP.]
right they do.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
If you mother [BLEEP.]
ever wanna see a blueberry again, they [BLEEP.]
do.
If you wanna see lettuce, or a [BLEEP.]
blueberry, or some [BLEEP.]
tomatoes, leave us the [BLEEP.]
alone and let us work! AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
The [BLEEP.]
you wanna do? Pitch in? If white people had to pick shit, they'd just pick enough for themselves! I got two heads of lettuce, Ryan! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Ryan, I got mine! Find the crouton tree.
Let's get the [BLEEP.]
out of here! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Let me tell you something.
If we wanted to be terrorists, we'd be the most effective [BLEEP.]
terrorists.
Even ISIS would be [STUTTERS.]
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I don't know how they did that! The number-one ingredient in making a bomb? Fertilizer.
You know there's no way to stop a Mexican from buying fertilizer.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You want 3 tons? Yeah, hey AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
because we're doing a big house.
Well, I took care of our little Kareem problem.
See, Charlie, when you say stuff like that, it makes me nervous.
What do you mean, you took care of our little Kareem problem? Just what I said.
I took care of our Kareem problem.
Oh, no, man.
You killed Kareem? You ain't killed Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? I mean, come on, Charlie, how can this be? I can't go to jail, man.
My skin is too supple for that shit.
GEORGE: Put your hands together, Los Angeles, for Put your hands together for Mr.
Charlie Murphy! Showtime.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- I ain't going to jail, man.
- Nobody No, man, 'cause I need a sleep number bed.
I'm a 12.
What's up, LA Forum? Make some noise, LA.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- I'm happy to see LA.
- Darkness is spreading.
Hey, before I start, I want y'all to give some love to my homeboy, Mr.
George Lopez.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
I want to give a shoutout to all the single parents in the audience tonight too.
Give them a round of applause.
Single parents, congratulations on your night out.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I know them shit is hard to come by [BLEEP.]
damn it.
I know, 'cause I'm a single parent.
I got a boy and a girl at the house right now.
I'm mommy and daddy to both of 'em, you know what I'm saying? That's right.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Please don't insult me by giving me a round of applause for taking care of my kids.
Don't insult me.
That's a myth that we got going around, that black men don't take care of their kids.
I know I take care of mine and all the black men I know take care of theirs, so don't give me no round of applause for taking care of my kids.
To me, that's like giving me a round of applause for, you know, brushing my teeth and some shit.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I got a boy and a girl at the house right now.
I'll be honest, the boy part is easy 'cause, you know, we understand each other.
He's a male and I'm a male, so we understand each other.
Like, if I walk in his room and I see a sock over in the corner AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I know better than to go touch that sock.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
We understand each other.
I told the mother [BLEEP.]
right before I left, to come out here I said, yeah, man, you get that [BLEEP.]
sock outta there and wash it in the machine by itself.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
And my girl, she's a trip, man.
She's ten years old now.
I'm learning a lot about women, and I thought I already knew.
Like, I thought that older women taught the younger ones, and asked all those [BLEEP.]
questions.
Shit.
You mother [BLEEP.]
are born asking questions.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You mother [BLEEP.]
invented the word "interrogation.
" Y'all invented the technique of asking questions on Monday and doing a follow-up on Friday to fact check.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I found all that out from having a daughter.
My daughter's a trip.
A real trip.
She be asking me a lot of [BLEEP.]
questions.
I have to tell her sometime, listen, uh, you're not my wife.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You're my daughter, so I think you better back it on up, ask me no more [BLEEP.]
damn questions.
I wouldn't trade her for nothing, though, man.
My kids is a trip.
I learned from my daughter from over the years I learned some things, man.
Like for instance, I learned that if you buy Barbie, you gotta buy four other little [BLEEP.]
that's her friends.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
They all got their own individual clothing line, too.
I know 'cause my daughter had me on the bed, comparing the dresses.
And how do you like this one? On the inside, I was like, wow, I feel gay right now.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Then she made me sit down with her to eat one of them nasty-ass cakes out of the Easy-Bake Oven.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Boy, was that cake nasty.
The cake was so nasty, I wrote a letter to Mattel [BLEEP.]
them! How dare you mother [BLEEP.]
have a bakery division? This cake don't taste like cake.
It taste like toys, mother [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
But I love my kids.
I wouldn't trade them for nothin', man.
I really wouldn't.
Right now, it's just me and them.
I'm single right now because Not because I wanna be, but because I have to be, because I ain't taking no shit.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
To all my single guys in the audience, I wanted to spread some love, to give you a little wisdom that was given to me earlier this week by an old man.
This shit is true, too.
There are four rules to a happy romance.
Four.
Rule number one get you a woman! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Or if you're a [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
man, get you a man.
AUDIENCE: Whoa! Rule number two get you a woman that can cook.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Rule number three get you a woman that can make love.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND WHISTLING.]
Or if you're an [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
man, get you a man that can [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
WOMAN: Woo! I never did that joke that way before.
That's pretty funny.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Rule number four.
This is the most important of all four of the rules.
Never, ever, ever allow any of these three women.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
to be in the same room at the same time.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING.]
I really like telling that joke.
But I know I caused somebody some problems in this mother [BLEEP.]
tonight.
This is what's gonna happen in somebody's car on the way home.
Yeah, well, mother [BLEEP.]
, we both know I can't cook! So which bitch am I? AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
DL: Anybody know what Charlie did to Kareem? CHARLIE: That's the new thing, you know Okay, listen.
I don't know if Charlie choked Kareem out.
CHARLIE: That shit is, Butto me, some creep shit.
t.
He put him in a very special seat.
- Oh, wow! - Look at him.
EDDIE: Yeah, you should've paid that bill, buddy! [LAUGHTER.]
Him knees up in him chest.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
- CEDRIC: Crunch time for real.
- His nuts is up in his throat! As I was saying, I smoke a lot of weed.
AUDIENCE ON TV: [LAUGHTER.]
Look at, I can't believe Charlie did that shit, man.
He had Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's ass in the last row of the Forum.
DL: He was all the way up! Aw man, he was all up against the ceiling, like NINA: All right, thanks.
I'll tell him.
George, that was Essefess Steak House.
I guess there was a mix-up.
You double paid for dinner.
They're crediting back your card.
- Double paid? - Yeah.
Apparently Kareem had already bought the dinner tonight on his house account.
Uh Eddie, you're on in five.
I gotta go pray.
Wait, wait, wait.
So Kareem did pay, and we promised him the best seats.
But instead, he put his ass way in the top row In the middle of the top row! Oh! [SHOUTING FRANTICALLY.]
GEORGE: Kareem! Charlie did it! Charlie did it! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Is he here? GEORGE: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's think.
Maybe maybe he went to the bathroom.
Yeah, George, he went to take a dump on our careers.
Damn.