The Crazy Ones s01e09 Episode Script

Hey, Lauren! Think fast! - Yeah, she's playing for the team.
- Mmhmm.
Actually, I'm into dudes again.
Women are just too much work.
No, we're talking about the 16-inch softball team.
- What's 16-inch softball? - It's basically regular softball's fat sister same pretty face, just bigger and easier.
Oh, right, the big rivalry between creatives and account execs.
Yeah.
I started reading about that in the company newsletter, and then I stopped when I realized I was reading the company newsletter.
You know I write that.
That is such a cute top.
Morning, Muggles.
Simon, are you playing? No.
Please.
I'm retired.
Besides, softball is a young lesbian's game.
And I'm neither of those anymore.
Last time Simon played was ten years ago when he single-handedly won the game for the Creatives.
God, I would have given anything to have seen that.
Anything.
Me, too.
Oh.
That's why you should read the newsletter.
Because every year, I reprint the story.
That seems like lazy journalism.
Look at you in your sleevelessssop and short shorts.
It was my first game.
I didn't know what to wear, so I went Richard Simmons.
Simon's kind of a legend.
They say it was one of the greatest sports moments of all time.
Please, no need to rehash my glory days.
Besides, we have to work on the Rice Krispies campaign.
Yeah.
We have a lot of work to do, people.
Let's focus up, guys.
It was a late fall evening.
The last of the fireflies were winking in the night.
The air was crisp with a hint of warm brown sugar.
We had just landed the Bath & Body Works account.
And Simon Roberts steps up to bat and, boom, hits four home runs Bitch, it was five.
If you're going to tell the story, tell it right.
This is is how it happened.
It all came down to the final play.
I was at home plate, bases were loaded.
And there on the mound was my nemesis, my business partner, Gordon Lewis, glaring at me like a Yeti on crack.
You're goin' down, Roberts.
It's a good impression.
- Thank you.
- And that's when I did the point, a little move I borrowed from Babe Ruth.
- The point - Sorry.
halfway between the sky and Gordon's Easter Island face.
And then, time changed.
It was like everything went into slow motion.
And the fateful pitch came at me.
Sydney, the fateful pitch came at me.
- Ah - Shh, shh, shh, shh.
And I hammered it.
Ah! It went it up, up, up.
And a little more up.
Yeah! Straight over the center field fence, exactly where I pointed! And the crowd went wild! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Give me! Give me! Give me! Oh, yeah! Yeah! And I'll never forget the look on Gordon's fafa when he said, Simon Roberts, you Lucky son of a bitch.
Um.
could we have our ball back? It's mine now, kid.
Fun's over.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-h oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I don't know.
Do you think Snap and Crackle are too far apart? Yeah, but Pop wants it that way.
See, he's secretly in love with Snap, and though he appreciates Crackle's ideas, Pop's ready to move on.
Just he and Snap starting over somewhere fresh.
I stayed late last night, and thoughts came to me.
Gordon Lewis is bringing baked goods! I call the ladies' room.
Every man for himself.
What's the big deal? It's just some rosemary shortbread that my husband made.
Butter, sugar, suppressed rage for a directionless life.
Which is also the name of his play that went nowhere.
We see you with baked goods, we think you're going to fire someone.
Well, in that case you're right.
How did we lose the Pocket Motorcycle account? We didn't lose 'em.
We dumped them.
Apparently, they overestimated the weight limit, and a a bunch of fat kids got hurt.
Dad, I'm sorry.
I know how much that account meant to you.
Aah! Whoa! Kids are going to love this! Well, I know childhood obesity is a problem, but why take it away from the thin kids? They did nothing wrong.
Look, you know the deal.
We get an account, we hire people.
We lose an account, we got to lay someone off.
Well, we'll be sorry to lose you, Gordon.
But look at the positive side.
You and Timothy can spend more time together.
Maybe open a little dinner theatre, a B and B.
I'm told it's a middle-aged gay man's world out there.
Yeah, everything's coming up Gordon.
Mm.
All right, listen.
This is what we have to do.
We're gonna have to lose one of your little baby birds on the creative side.
Why does it have to be our side? Why can't we just lose someone in accounts? Accounts lost someone in the last three layoffs.
It's creative's turn.
Absolutely not! We're not losing anyone.
They're like family.
Brad, Asian Brad, even Lazy Tony.
It's Tim, and he's not lazy.
He's in a wheelchair.
They're like my children.
Well, I'm not laying off one of Gordon's Guerrillas.
Then we're at an impasse.
Okay, there's only one thing to do.
Softball bet.
- Wait.
A bet? - Mmhmm.
That's right.
That's how we resolve all of our major dilemmas.
Why do you think the urinals are now a foot higher? Okay, so that settles it then.
Whoever loses the softball game is gonna has to fire someone from their department.
- Done.
- And be warned.
I have the best team yet.
Account Execs are going to destroy you, Roberts.
Destroy you! In your dreams, Lewis.
In your dreams.
I just feel like there's more to the story of Snap, Crackle and Pop.
Where are you, lost lady? I hate this.
I don't want to fire anyone.
Nancy.
Hey, sweetie.
Tell her I say hi.
Yeah, lunch sounds great.
I'll just do a search for a vegetarian restaurant within a three-miles radius that doesn't smell like B.
O.
Okay, I got to go.
Byesies.
Why didn't you tell her I say hi? Uh, she prefers the more formal, "Good Day.
" It reminds her of a simpler time when people arrived on time for dinner and left before balling the help.
- And you're lying.
- Yeah.
- I am.
She hates you.
- Wait.
- Well, why would she hate me? - Come on.
- What do you care? You hate her.
- That's not the point! You and I are friends.
If she doesn't like me It's because of the kiss.
That? That was nothing! So, you had a crush on me for, like, two seconds.
And why would you ever tell her that you kissed me? Well, I said there was a kiss, that lips met lips.
Whose lips lunged first, I cannot say.
But you did.
I did.
Yours lunged first.
Damn it, Andrew! You lied? It was just easier to explain that way! And I couldn't not tell her.
Even if it was a lie, I had to be honest with her.
I don't like this.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, her jealousy makes the sex crazy good.
That is so good to hear.
All right, we have to optimize our chances for a win.
First thing we have to do is assign positions.
Okay? What the hell is that? Oh.
Andrew wanted to introduce a female character to Snap, Crackle and Pop.
You know, three bachelors living alone in a cereal bowl.
You know, people talk.
It's brilliant, but I don't have time for brilliance.
He has another one of those, right? Yeah.
Okay, good.
All right, who do we have? - Um, me.
- Okay.
- Uh, Andrew.
- Nah.
- Sydney.
- Yeah.
And, uh, someone who wrote, "Fire Tommy.
He had sex on your desk.
" What happened? We had ten people this morning.
People keep crossing their names off the list.
I guess it's too much pressure to know if you screw up, someone loses their job.
No, this is the time we should be rallying together as a team.
You know what would make people play? - What? - If you signed up.
- No, no, no.
- I don't play anymore.
- No, but it would give everyone hope.
They need to believe they have a chance to win.
- They need a hero.
- Oh, I'm-l'm really not a hero.
Come on, hero.
Sorry.
Really wasn't expecting that.
Oh, no.
You know, it's okay, though.
There.
There you go.
I'm ready now.
- Okay.
- Let's do this.
Yeah! Come again.
Oh.
Oh, is there a glare? Simon? Tell me more about Flizz.
She seems like a nice girl.
How can I lie to that face? You're like a baby who shaves.
Okay, I can't play softball.
You hit five home runs in one game.
You ever hear the story of Dock Ellis? I feel like you're about to tell me an old-timey story.
He was a Major League pitcher who threw a no-hitter.
He later admitted that he did it while tripping on acid.
Imagine walking out onto a field, and the field is like "I'm coming for you!" And then, this nice penguin hands you a ball.
All the pigeons overhead starting to turn into vultures.
I wonder what they're talking about in there.
Maybe they're admiring my new Rice Krispies character, Flizz.
I unknowingly took a play out of his book.
I was high as a kite.
I remember looking down at the field, going, "Well, I look pretty good, huh?" I haven't played since.
Wow.
Yeah.
I'm not athletic.
I never was.
I once was tangled in a jump rope for an entire day.
When they found me, they put me on suicide watch.
So this is just between you and us, okay? - Absolutely.
- Okay.
- And you know what? - What? - I still think we can win.
- You do? "Yes, ve gan.
" Like, "Yes, we.
.
"" That's clever.
You see? No, yeah, , get it.
See, you say, "No grande"" Nancy! Hey! Oh, my God.
Oh.
I didn't know you were going to be here! Hi, Sydney.
Yeah, Nancy's just taking me out to lunch, so if you could just just move your body.
Oh, you know, why don't I just ride down with you guys.
Oh, good.
So, Nancy, um, I have a gift for you, actually.
It's a gift certificate to the Peninsula for a massage.
It's a couples massage.
Well, which is it? Which is what? You said you didn't know I was going to be here, but you had a gift for me.
So, you must have known I was going to be here.
Which is it? Your hair is so perfect.
It's like a wig! Thanks.
Attention, Creatives! I know t tse are fragile times.
I know you're scared.
And I know Tommy had sex on my desk, but still, I'm asking you to fight for your team! Are we going to let Accounts take our jobs? No, we're not! What do we want?! A new microwave! One with a popcorn button! That'd be great, but we still need a victory on that field! So I'm asking you to trust me and sign this list! Step up and say, "I will play! I will play.
" Dad, you're playing? Oh, my God, he's playing? Yes.
Simon! Simon! Simon! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Simon! Simon! We could always fire Tommy! None of our desks are safe! No! - Simon! Simon! - No! - Simon! Simon! Simon! - No! Okay, so, at one point, you hit a ball over a fence five times.
- I was a little enhanced.
- Your body - should be able to do it again.
- Yeah.
We just need to remind it how.
Good, good, maybe I can lead the team to victory.
I just have to warn you, though, I have a bad back, a trick ankle, and a questionable mole.
All helpful information.
Let's see what you got.
You got it, I want it You got it, I need it You have it, I'm gonna get it You got it, I want it I say, ow, ow, ow! Do the everything Ow! Baby, Watusi Shake what you wanna Ow! Okay, how am I doing? - Be honest with me.
- Honest? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, you lack flexibility, coordination, and have no real comprehension of the game itself.
- Plus your pants give you a diaper butt.
- Okay, now be a little less honest, remember you work for me.
- You're a natural.
- And the pants? - So cute.
- Okay, so I've got softball player of all time so someone doesn't get fired.
- No pressure.
- Boss, you're psyching yourself out.
Maybe just let go of your ego.
Ego? I don't have an ego.
No, God, - who said that.
- I don't know.
- Ego.
- Haha.
- You know what? - What? Maybe we're thinking about this the wrong way.
Really? As long as they believe that they're playing the legend and not the creaky tin man standing before me - your words - My words? then we have a chance.
- You think so? - Yeah.
- I'm a legend.
- You are a legend, baby.
You're gonna psych Accounts out just by walking on that field.
You'll have Gordon shaking in his size 20 Top-Siders.
We're going to crush you, Roberts.
In your dreams, Gordon.
I've waited for this rematch for ten years.
It's kind of like when Carol Channing went up against Pearl Bailey with those dueling Hello, Dollys.
Oh, yeah, I could have used a sports reference, but I chose not to.
He seems more confident than you suggested.
You know what they say: frightened people are the loudest.
Ha, they say that?! Okay, team, this is our chance to win.
The only thing we have to remember to do is to focus Nancy, hi! Oh, I'm so glad you could make it.
That bag is fabulous Nancy, is it Tory Burch? - I almost bought one just - Sydney.
focus.
Focus.
With Simon on our team, we cannot lose that's my dad.
Okay, everyone, let's play ball! Hey, ho, let's go Hey, ho, let's go Hey, ho, let's go While we're young.
I'm losing estrogen.
They're formin' in a straight line They're goin' through a tight wind The kids are losin' their minds I usually don't spend this long on first base.
We could go to second or third.
They're pilin' in the backseat The ball.
They're generatin' steam heat Pulsatin' to the backbeat Blitzkrieg bop Come on, Sydney! Simon, did you see that?! Run! Run! Hey, ho, let's go.
All right, Simon, you're up.
What are the chances it'll all come back to me the second I stand up at that plate? Like, 95%.
- Yeah? - Eh.
- All right, let's do this.
- Yeah.
You know him as the hero of the home office, but it's been years since you've seen him with the hickory in his hand.
S-S-S-Simon R-R-R-Roberts! Simon, Simon! Simon, Simon, Simon, Simon! You've got to be kidding me.
Aren't we overselling this a little bit? All that matters is that Gordon and Accounts think you're a legend, so get out there and be one! Yeah.
Thunder, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Thunder Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Thunder Thunder Thunder Gordon's just walking him.
That was the plan.
Thank you, Baseball Jesus.
Thunderstruck Ah, come on.
Thunderstruck Chicken.
I was caught In the middle of a railroad track Thunder I looked 'round And I knew there was no turnin' back Thunder Thunderstruck Thunderstruck Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Thunderstruck Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah You've been thunderstruck.
Hey, Gordon, I got ten bucks to donate to your walk-a-thon.
Honey, walk-a-thons do a lot of good.
I raised you better than that.
Well, I'm just saying, how about throwing an actual pitch? Time-out! What's going on? He's really going to do this.
Just try your best.
No one's going to be upset with you if you strike out.
Except me.
Look at those faces.
I have a confession.
I enjoy being a legend.
This is the last ten seconds I have of everyone.
Believing the myth.
How do I go back to being an ordinary man? Is it selfish I want to make this all about me? That's the very definition of selfish.
How do I make this about me and not be selfish? Just go out there and try your best.
Uhhuh.
And if it helps, still look up to you.
- Really? - And really is there an opinion out here more important than mine? - Well, there's my daughter.
- You don't have to say it I know I'm number one.
For God's sakes, get a room already.
All right, all right.
Ow! Dad.
Are you faking that? Of course he's not.
Are you, boss? Wish I was.
Dad, are you okay? That looked like it hurt.
I'm fine, I just don't want to disappoint everybody, you know.
Disappoint everybody? This team has never played better - because of you.
- He's right.
All right, look, let's get him to a bench.
There you go.
Get up here, Simon.
Oh, gosh, you know, the last time we did this, you were passed out naked except for an egregious amount of Mardi Gras beads.
Boy, was I relieved to find out it was Mardi Gras.
Hey, Sydney, is your dad okay? Oh, yeah, he's going to be fine.
Thank you for asking.
I'm glad, and by the way, thank you again for that spa thing.
I got a foot fungus, but the massage was not horrible.
Welcome.
Maybe after the game we can grab something to eat? I would love that.
You know, I eat anything ice cream, pizza, - bacon double cheeseburgers between two donuts.
- Yeah.
Hey, did you see that? You mean your slow descent into type-two diabetes? Yes.
Sydney, you cannot be friends with my girlfriend.
I forbid it.
- Why? - Because you and I it got weird between us for a second, and now seeing you next to her, it's just confusing for me.
Get a hit.
Come on, I thought we left the drama at home.
Play ball.
- Whoo! - Wh oh, ow.
I'm starting to think we shouldn't play sports at work anymore.
You're going to be okay, honey, just a little yellow concealer.
Oh, my God, - Nancy, I am so sorry.
- You're a monster.
Hey, hey.
I tried to be friends with you in spite of the fact that you went after my boyfriend.
No, I didn't, I If I can't have him, no woman can.
Hey! Who's gonna bat? So I can strike 'em out and get this over with.
I'll bat.
Dad, that's a broom.
I'll broom.
Is, is he okay? I got this, baby, I'm back in.
He might be a little loopy from the muscle relaxer.
I gave him a shot.
Wait, you gave him a shot? Why is he running? He didn't hit the ball.
'Cause he's a legend.
That's gonna leave a mark.
Come on, Lazy Tony, come on, Lazy Tony.
Okay, let's see, what do we got here? Andrew no.
Okay, come on, Lazy Tony.
It's Tim, and we can't fire him.
I know, I can't find his name anywhere.
This is not the way to do this.
Look, let me save you the trouble, and it galls me to say this, but yesterday doesn't count.
You were high.
How can anybody hit a ball like that? I have no idea.
Well, then, how are we going to decide? Well, we're professionals and we'll decide this like professionals.
Pocket motorcycle jousting! On your marks, get set, go! Oh, no.
Step right up hit the boom, make a sound - Hey, Lauren, think fast.
- Great.
No, wait, wait, there's another option.
Hold on, go back, I blew the line.
Go back, go back.
Give me the knockers.