The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e09 Episode Script

[knocking on door]
- Hey Drew.
- Lisa.
You know you're not
supposed to be over here.
Relax, I know the rules.
We can't date. You're my boss.
People could see us.
Everything's cool.
Okay, as long as
you know it's completely
wrong and unacceptable..
come on in.
Wow, What beautiful taste
your mother had.
Yeah, I sleep upstairs
with a big race car.
So, uh, why are you here?
I brought over your invitation
to the office Christmas party.
Yeah, you couldn't just
give this to me at work?
You said we couldn't see
each other at work.
Oh, okay, so you're doing
everything I say now.
Oh, it's not quite
that easy, Drew.
Okay, well, in that case
you need a better reason.
You left your jacket
at my place.
That's not my jacket and
I've never been to your place.
- Then you left your purse?
- Give me that.
This isn't my purse..
this is my money.
Hey, hey, hey.
I just wanted to talk.
- How about a beer?
- Uh, it's kind of embarrassing.
I really wasn't
expecting anybody.
All I have is, uh, Coors
Budweiser, Miller, Amstel Light
Heineken, Red Dog, Red Tail..
Oops! Only half a bud.
[laughs]
Oh, God, Drew.
This is so crazy.
Here I am, enjoying your company
and I feel like some criminal
who has to sneak over
in the middle of the night.
Isn't there some way we can
move this relationship forward?
[chuckles]
Yeah, not with half a beer.
Come on, we're young.
I'm attractive.
"X-Files" is over,
what's stopping us?
How about a little show
called "20-20?"
Look, you know how bad
I wanna be with you
butI've worked
ten years at this company
to get from here to here.
You know, here.
I can't risk losing it.
Alright, big guy, I give up.
I'll see you tomorrow at work.
Well, wait.
You, uh..
you left your jacket
at my place.
[Lisa screams]
Please tell me
that was a climax.
(Lisa)
'Oh, God. It's just Kate.'
Oh.
What are you doin' out there?
Sorry, I saw two people kissing
and I thought
I was at the wrong house.
You see that? And Kate just
happened to be walkin' by.
Who knows who else
could have been out there?
[Oswald sneezes]
(Lewis)
'God bless you.'
Alright, who else is out there?
- Nobody.
- Okay, who wants a beer?
- How about you, Jules?
- 'No, thanks.'
(Jules)
'How about you, Billy?'
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland ♪
Underneath
your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin' ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Who hasn't picked their
secret Santa
to see who they're giving
the gift to?
There's only a few left!
- Oh, perfect!
- Oh, no. Not you.
Uh, so, Mimi,
what are you allergic to?
Diamonds.
[both chuckle]
She stuffed the box.
I got Mimi too.
There's a Mimi-2?
How come they're always making
sequels of things
I don't like?
- Hey.
- Hey!
What're you guys doing here?
Uh, gettin' a jump
on our holiday shopping.
We made up a list of things
we want you to buy at the store
for us with
your company discount.
We found some things for you
you're really gonna love.
- Right there.
- Oh, yeah.
Wait a minute. I gotta buy
my own Christmas gifts?
- Relax, we'll pay you back.
- With what?
Hey, everyone's getting big fat
Christmas bonuses
down at my Company.
You know,
for the first time ever
Drug Co. isn't being sued
for selling products
that caused disabling side
effects or premature death.
Proud? Damn right, we're proud.
So, having a second row of teeth
is no longer considered
a side effect?
So, Drew, am I your date again
for the Christmas party, Friday?
No, now that you work here,
I can't tell everybody
you're my girlfriend anymore.
It's about time, Drew.
It's kind of sad you're always
taking your friends as dates.
Lewis, do you want
to go to a party?
Only if you call me Julio.
So, I guess you'll be
needing someone to spin
some holiday tunes on this,
the most magical of all seasons.
Will you work for $20?
Will you pay me in cash all at
once so it looks like something?
Will you wear tie
so you look like something?
Deal. Hey, I get to go
to a Christmas party!
- 'Hey!'
- Oh, ho-ho!
So, those things
get pretty wild?
Wild? They're insane.
There's always some couple
locked in the bathroom
going at it while outside..
Actually, I don't know
what goes on outside.
Drew, I just got a call from
Mrs. Louder's secretary.
And Mrs. Louder wants you
to have lunch with her..
tomorrow afternoon
upstairs in the Crystal Room.
What?
Is that Mrs. Louder as in the
Winfred-Louder department store?
Yeah, it's Louder's widow.
[chuckles]
Gee, I wonder how he died.
I need an ambulance right away.
Well, what's the name?
Louder. What's the name?
Louder. What's the name? Louder.
He died waiting for a liver
transplant!
Who's that liver for? Louder.
Who's the liver for? Louder.
Who's the liver for?
Ah, never mind, he's dead.
Wait, wait,
here's his wife asking him
to turn up the stereo.
Turn up the stereo.
Oh, you want it louder? Yes!
And then he says it
like a bunch of times
and everybody laughs.
- That's okay. Maybe next time.
- Alright.
Man, I wonder
what she wants me for?
Maybe she's looking for someone
to inherit the store
and she picked you!
Yeah, that's probably
possibility number one million.
- Wonder what else it could be?
- She's really rich.
Maybe she wants to send you
off in the wilderness
and hunt you for sport.
Well, see, now,
we're getting somewhere.
Have you done anything wrong?
Maybe she wants to fire you.
Fire me? What?
I'm-I'm a model employee.
Well, maybe you said somethin'.
You know, these stores have bugs
and microphones everywhere.
Why, that's ridiculous.
Someone as beautiful
as Mrs. Louder
has better things to do than to
bug her employees.
"I stole pens, tons of pens."
"Shut up, Oswald."
[instrumental music]
Dear Pizza..
I do not care or give a wit
that you are one-day-old.
I think you're beautiful
even when you're cold.
[dog barking]
What the hell is going on?
Jules!
[dog barking]
[door opens]
Jules!
[barking continues]
[knocking on door]
Hey, Drew!
Feliz Navidad.
Jules, turn down the lights.
Oh, come on, Drew.
Where's your Christmas spirit?
It's more than a month
till Christmas.
That's why I haven't put
all the lights in yet.
Oh, uh, don't look
directly at the baby Jesus.
You'll go blind.
Oh, my God. What're you gonna
use him for signal an aircraft?
Hey, why do you have Santa Claus
up there in the manger for?
He's got nothing to do with
nothing.
Who's he? Mary's Lamaze coach?
Hey, I'm just trying'
to win the contest
for the brightest
Christmas display.
- What contest?
- From the power company.
Winner gets $50 off
his next bill.
Oh, yeah, great thinking, Jules.
You know,
if you cut your legs off
you can park anywhere for free.
I-I need my sleep.
I got a big meeting
with the owner
of my company tomorrow.
Now, turn off the lights
and the dogs
or I'm gonna call the cops.
Go ahead, call 'em.
We ain't doin' anything illegal.
Be kind of stupid
under all this light.
Ah, whoever turn that off
thank you.
Actually, the blinkers
just kicked in.
[instrumental music]
Okay, don't be nervous, Drew.
- Everything's gonna go great.
- Yeah, but what does she want?
What am I gonna talk
to her about? She-she's 80.
Well, that's not so old compared
to say, the ocean.
- Just make small talk.
- Yeah, about what?
I don't know, you'll talk
aboutyourfirst Christmas
and she'll talk about
the first Christmas.
Good luck, Drew. Break a hip.
Hi, I'm Drew Carey. I'm here
to see, uh, Mrs. Louder.
[sighs]
She's right over there.
Look, uhyou probably
see her every day.
Do you have any advice?
Well, if she likes you,
you're gold.
If she doesn't like you..
I'm Mike,
we'll be working together.
Thank you.
[clears throat]
Mrs. Louder?
- Uh, Hi! I'm Drew Carey.
- Mr. Carey!
Watch it with the tongue,
Mr. Carey.
I didn't.. Oh!
[chuckles]
Good one. Right back at ya.
I like your look, Mr. Carey.
It's comforting.
It's as if the '50s
never went away.
Oh, may I just say, Mrs. Louder
with your peaches
and cream complexion
it's like your 50s
never went away either.
Aww. The first butt kiss of the
day is always the sweetest.
Oh. Allow me.
You're one of a dying breed,
Mr. Carey.
So are you.
I mean, uh..
Look, I don't know what to say.
You scare the hell out of me.
If it's about the pens,
I'll pay you back.
Relax, Mr. Carey.
This isn't about pens.
You're here because I want to
offer you a new position.
Oh, a promotion!
Well, you didn't have to take me
out to lunch personally.
I mean, uh,
I know it's been seven years
you probably
feel a little guilty.
That's all water under
the bridge.
I'll tell you what.
I'll just eat a little extra.
- We'll call it even.
- Mr. Carey..
I'd like you to become
my personal assistant.
Head of personnel! Oh, yeah!
I've waited so long.
That's not what I said,
I said personal assistant.
I know what you said,
I just wanted to feel good
for too lousy stinkin' seconds.
It's a good job. I know
it's not what you expected.
But if you do this for me,
you'll become head of personnel
faster than you ever imagined.
Well, it sounds great but
you know, how can I just give up
my job like that?
You could give up your job
for any number of reasons.
For example,
you could offend Mrs. Louder.
Well, now, can I at least,
you know, think about it?
You can let me know
when you pick me up
for the Christmas party.
Oh, by the way.
The position pays twice
what you're making now.
- Mr. Carey?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just, uh,
hookin' up my new stereo.
[dog barking]
Hey, what are you people
doin' here?
This is private property.
Come on, now. Clear out.
Hey, do you see
what's goin' on here?
Boy, do I.
Look at all this gawkers
fighting for a glimpse
of a glowing reindeer.
They've totally lost touch with
the true meaning of Christmas.
The pop's three bucks a can.
You don't like it, tough,
I'm the only game in town.
[sheep bleats]
Oh, good. Livestock.
(Jules)
'You got one of my sheep?'
Why is there a sheep
in my backyard?
She's part of the live
Nativity scene.
Every night till Christmas.
Then we shave her
and eat her.
Alright, that's it. Show's over.
Come on. Clear out of here.
Let's go. Alright, that's it.
I'm turnin' on the sprinklers.
Whoops!
Oh, now what?
[imitates dog barking]
Oh, great.
I'll be singing that all week.
- Drew, are you really lonely?
- Why?
I just saw a herd of sheep
running from your house.
So, Drew, how'd it go
with Mrs. Louder?
She wants one of your lungs,
right?
No.
She put me on the fast-track
to bein' the head of personnel.
Wow, what would your title be?
Uh, you know,
personal assistant.
Oh, so it's like
"Driving Miss Daisy."
Time to go to the Piggly Wiggly,
Ms. Louder.
[laughing]
No, you guys don't understand.
This is a, like a shortcut
up the corporate ladder.
If I can just suck it up
for a couple of years, I'm in.
And you wanna know
the best part?
I can start dating Lisa.
I mean, this is huge.
Are you sure
she's gonna let you date?
I mean, what if you have to
service the old broad?
Mm-hm.
A lot of older women
still have sex.
And let me tell you something,
you better be in shape
'cause it takes them
a little longer.
Sometimes they nap
in the middle.
(Kate)
Yeah.
[doorbell rings]
Hey, Drew, guess what I am?
Lawrence of Cleveland.
- I'm a wise man.
- Any takers?
- No.
- No.
Oh, this came for you today.
I signed for it.
It came like this.
Oh, yeah? Was there
barbeque sauce all over it too?
Uh, I better get back
to the manger, see you.
- It's from Mrs. Louder.
- Wow.
(Oswald)
'And there's a note attached..'
and it's a dirty note.
Listen to this. "The penis
mightier than the sword."
Give me that.
That'spen is,you moron.
This particular pen
belonged to Mr. Louder.
I see in you many of the
qualities I saw in him.
Welcome aboard, love, Dottie.
Oh, yeah.
She wants some Drew Carey bad.
You know what,
this is really class.
I mean, why
wouldn't I take this job?
It's good pay.
Good future.
Good pen,
and good luck saying no.
'Cause if I don't take the job,
she's gonna fire me.
Wow, she's really
got you by thepen is.
Oh, yeah. And now, at number 15
in the Christmas top 20
countdown for the 142nd
straight year
"Hark The Herald Angels Sing."
And ooh, baby, do they sing.
Man, what a bash.
Hey, thanks for inviting me,
Kate.
You know, I never go to the Drug
Co. Christmas parties anymore.
I mean, the punch is good
but, uh, made me invisible.
Who said that?
I don't know.
- Ho-ho-ho!
- Oh, man.
Would you look at Mr. Bell?
Some Santa Claus.
He knows when you've been
sleeping alright 'cause that's
when he gets up
and makes a dash for his car.
Hey, look who's here?
'Harold and Maude.'
Wow! The things you can learn
at a board meeting.
You reallycancheat the
government out of everything.
And it really is only just
suckers like me that pay taxes.
Drew, you're doing splendidly.
If you keep up the good work,
I might even let you see
Mr. Louder's cryogenically
frozen head.
I knew it!
That was just a joke, sweetie.
I told him I'd do it,
but I never did.
Merry Christmas, Drew.
Mrs. Louder, it's a great
pleasure to meet you.
I'm Mimi Bobeck.
Oh, Mimi, guess what,
I'm working for Mrs. Louder now.
You are?
Yeah, let's see
what my secret Santa gave me?
No, I mean..
oh, I've made a mistake.
I must've buried your gift.
Oh, this is a squirrel
I hit last March.
Uh, your present's over there
underneath the tree.
My neighbor's sheep made it.
Mrs. Louder, they're waiting
for you in the Crystal Room.
Oh, thank you.
I'll be right there.
If you'll excuse me
for a little while, Drew.
The board is about to exchange
their own secret Santa gifts.
Just, uh, don't give me away
to anybody.
Oh, you little devil.
So, word has it
you're sweatin' to the oldies.
What?
Mimi's spreadin' it around that
you're Mrs. Louder's
new boy toy.
Oh, yeah? Would, uh,
Mrs. Louder's boy toy do this?
Hey, what about
all your stupid rules?
I'm not management anymore.
Hey, everybody, look at me.
I got a girlfriend.
[all cheer]
Oh, jeez, what a lousy time
to tell you I'm gay.
She's not very funny,
but she's the best I'm gonna do.
You know, uh..
this is the first time
I'm not really jealous
of all those people
locked in the bathrooms.
Aww. You've been locked inside
your share of bathrooms.
Well, maybe at home.
You mean, uh, you've never?
No.
Well, uh, you wanna?
Yeah, sure. Okay.
Come on.
Oh, we are talking
about sex, right?
[laughs]
Excuse me, uh,
have you seen Drew?
I left some gifts in the car
and I need him to help me.
Uh, no,
but I'd be happy to help you.
I'm Kate O'Brien.
By the way, let me tell you
what a pleasure it is
to meet a fellow businesswoman
someone who has broken through
the glass ceiling
and showered the rest of us
with the pointy shards
of her success.
Can you see me?
Listen, kids.
Kids, there are some free cabs
downstairs, help yourselves.
Free cabs? Well, Merry Christmas
to you too, Mrs. Louder.
Listen, there's no smoking here.
Bell's office has a window
that opens, come on.
[Lisa giggling]
(Drew)
'Shh.'
Thank you, Santa.
Pardon me, Mrs. Louder.
I think I found Drew.
He's in Mr. Bells' office.
Oh, thank you.
Bell!
Mrs. Louder. I..
I-I-I can explain.
Jerry, I'm shocked.
This is a family business.
Uh, can we please talk
about this in private?
Fine, but I'm not going
in there.
[Drew gasps]
Drew!
- Carey?!
- 'Santa.'
Ho-ho-ho!
Be sure to check out our
toy department
where this afternoon
everything is 10% off.
- Right, Trixie?
- That's right, Mr. Claus.
Santa pig!
Devil elf!
Oh, boo-hoo. So, Louder kicked
you back to your cubicle.
I didn't do anything
and I'm stuck here
every lunch till Christmas.
Oh, give me a break. You're
lucky Bell didn't fire you
for getting him into trouble.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, the room was dark,
I saw a fat man
strikin' out with a woman,
I assumed it was you.
Uh, excuse me,
but aren't the elves
supposed to be smaller
than Santa?
Ahh!
Merry Christmas.
Hey.
Hey.
That was worth it, wasn't it?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
[laughs]
- Uh, same time next year?
- Yeah.
- Same place?
- No.
You sure Mrs. Louder
won't mind us doing this?
Hey, she said
free cab rides home.
And she didn't say
what route we had to take.
- Chicago sure was fun.
- 'Mm-hmm.'
I really enjoyed "Phantom."
Hmm, I think the cabbie did too.
It's kind of cold here though.
I think it might be a little
warmer down south.
Uh, right around Graceland.
(Oswald)
'Graceland!'
[production theme]